All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s02e02 Queen of the Court.eng

announcer: Tired of all them
boring court shows?

In need of a higher authority
than Judge Judy

or Judge Joe Brown?

Well, how about a queen?

Court is now in session,
honey.

- I love a hung jury.

- Real people, real cases,
real extra.

This is "Judge Miss Sophia."

- Denise was thrown out
of her sister's house

for no damn reason,
and she's been rendered

homeless, jobless,
and Brazilian bundle-ness.

She's suing the defendant
for loss of property,

emotional distress,
and lace-front abuse.

She's mad.

She's asking
for $3,500 in damages.

Ms. Pat doesn't know why the
hell her sister is suing her

because she knows goddamn
well why her ass got put out.

Ms. Pat is countersuing
the plaintiff for back rent,

pain and suffering,
and just simply

for being a low
down dirty bitch.

- And now we finna talk
to the family that's caught

in the middle
of this crossfire.

You are the husband, right?

- Unfortunately.

- You seem embarrassed.

- It's just--
I believe our family shouldn't

be airing our
business on TV like this.

You know what I'm saying?
I feel like a Braxton.

- Well,
that shirt you got on says

your bank account
don't feel like a Braxton.

And what about y'all?

You children,
y'all feel the same?

Embarrassed and ashamed?

- Well, I'm just grateful
for the exposure, my G.

You see,
people have been thirsting

to see this face all
on their television screen.

But the real question is,
um,

what are the residual checks
for some shit like this?

- Brandon,
sit your dumbass down.

- Oh, so I'm dumb now?

You know what?
I was doing you a favor.

You know what? I'm gonna sit
on Aunt Denise' side.

- I don't give a fuck.

- And you?

- I would just like to say
that these TV court shows are

making a mockery out of our
severely flawed legal system.

We have to--
- And the plaintiff's family

is represented by...

a traitor--
ooh, and a white dude!

- Big fan of the show.

Like, huge.

Huge, huge.

- Ooh, child!

When white
people get to watching,

that mean we're
getting a bigger budget.

Come through, then.

Now then...

- All rise...

unless you've been tucked.

For the honorably fabulous
Judge Justice Miss Sophia.

[disco music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Yass! Judge,
you better work!

- Fuck it up, sis.
- Yes. Mama, turn back around.

It's not my fault
the straights are boring.

- All right, all right,
all right.

- Let justice rain like men.

- What kind of Billy Porter
ass shit you done got us into?

- I got us into the one
court I got a shot at winning.

Cause can't nobody understand
wig problems like a drag queen.

Right?
- Shush ya mouth in here.

Today, I will be serving lewks

and legally binding opinions.

- She went to law school?

- I got my law
degree the same way

Kim Kardashian did:

suspiciously.

- All right,
let's get this shit started.

Raise your right hand so
I can swear y'all asses in.

- I got my Bible
right here, Judge.

- Don't be fooled, Judge.

The closest she ever
been to church

is a Tyler Perry play.

- Well,
at least I've been saved.

- By the bell.

- She has always been wicked,
Your Outrageousness.

And God has been watching, too.

He showed his wrath by
taking one of her nipples.

- Mom, take this.

I checked it
out from the library.

- I'ma swear in
on this thick ass book.

- All right, I'll allow it.

But any outburst
in this courtroom

and I will Kunta Kickya
ass out of here.

- Paws on the laws, ladies.

- Do you swear to spill
the tea, the whole tea,

and nothing but the tea,

so help you, Diana Ross.

- I do.
- Diana Ross?

- All right. I wanna
get both sides of the story.

Now, I'm gonna start
with you, my bible baby.

So tell me, what's going on?

- Well,
it's really very simple,

Judge Justice Miss Sophia.

My sister, who I have
loved her entire ungodly life,

kicked me out
of my home for no reason.

- You know the reason, Denise!
[gavel bangs]

My-my-my-my-my-my bad,
the cameras just make you

get into it,
you know what I'm saying?

- Sit your buff ass down, sir.

- Like I was spilling,
before I was so

rudely interrupted,
I was forced out of the house

with only
the clothes on my back.

She kept all my stuff,

including my
prized possessions, my wigs.

- Not the wigs, bitch!

- The wigs, bitch.

both: The wigs, bitch.

- I gave her back them
cockatoo titty ass wigs.

- But after she defaced them.

- Well, I'll have
to see this for myself.

Bailiff, could you
bring the wigs to the bench?

Slower.

- Y'all must not
have an HR department.

- Well, damn!

This is some fine wig-onometry.

This don't look
like no cockatoo titty.

Why, you got some raw Indian,

some Malaysia,

and my go-to,

some Bold Bad Bitch Brazilian.

- That's what I'm saying.
Tell it, Judge!

Okay, now, if I may.

Excuse me. I'd like to present,
Exhibit A.

As you can plainly see,
she dyed my wigs.

My sister murdered Michelle,
Sasha and Malia.

- That one look like Bobo.

- Enough!

I hate to see sisters fight.

I'm lying,
it's better than porn.

Lying again. Ugh.

No, it's not.

Miss Carson, it's your turn,
darling. Tell us your side.

- [whispering] Mom, Mom, Mom.

I've seen this show before.

She likes it if you
just lead with the facts.

- Janelle, I got to this.
Just stick to the script.

Your Honor, I'm going
to lead with the facts.

My sister here
has been leeching off me

for years,
and she won't even keep a job.

- That's a damn lie,
Your Honor.

In the last year alone,
I've had, like, six jobs.

- And she got fired from seven.

- False again.

I'm an entrepreneur now.

- Your Honor, this girl lyin'
like a Trump.

- No, no, I'm serious.

I am a business woman.

And all of you,
and all of you at home,

can buy my new hair care
product, Denise Grease.

Now, it's coming soon
to your local

beauty supply,
salons, hardware stores.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Save that shit
for "Shark Tank."

- Your Honor,
this is another one of her

get-broke quick schemes.

- Oh, girl, shut up!

- See, this is the generational
curse I'm trying to break.

- Oh, say more.

- She don't know
what she's talking about.

We squashed all that.

- No, we didn't.
I tried to at our mama funeral.

But this bitch
served me with papers

while I was
standing over the casket.

- You gon' stop
calling me a bitch.

- I done told you,
you keep trying it--

[talking over each other]

[slams gavel]
- Wigless Wonder

and nigga named Toby,

I'm gonna need you all
to calm down.

It is getting
too heated in here.

Y'all got my lace lifting!

- You need
to talk to your boutique.

- I can send you
some Denise Grease.

- I'm gonna take a recess

so I can cool off.

Bailiff, could you
get a bitch some quaalude?

- That nigga on dope.

♪ ♪

- Oh. I am trying to take
a break from all this nonsense.

- All right,
so y'all know we at

the middle point part, right?

Who do you think has the edge?

- Well, you know, it's kinda
hard to say, to be honest.

Right now,
they both look pretty stupid.

- And you?
- Yeah, I agree.

- I know you didn't
just call my mama stupid.

- She sure did.

And what you think
about your auntie--

What you over here reading?

- I'm just here
so I don't get fined.

- Okay, Miss Carson,
who are these witnesses

you have with you?

- These are my
ungrateful ass kids.

- You, there.

Stand up and join your mom.

Can you tell the court
how this fight started?

- [quietly] Tell the story,

but...like I told you to.

- [clears throat]

My Auntie came in
and violently lashed out

at my innocent and kind mama.

But my mama had no
other choice but to throw her

triflin' ass out.

- I told you to say behind.
Why you up here ad-libbing?

- Did you also
tell him to mention

the drug dealer he
invited to the house that

started all this
mess to begin with?

- He plead the fifth.

- And the sixth,
seventh and eighth.

- An eighth of parsley
is what he purchased.

- Oh, come on!

He can't be tried ex
post facto for that, Judge.

- Yeah, what she said,
expo fuckto.

- All of you all need
to sit the fuckto down.

- Well, this proves nothing,
Your Honor,

my sister's
wasting the court's time.

- Oh, I am? Your Honor,

my upstanding and honest
daughter Janelle

can tell you
how this happened.

- I object.

- On what grounds?

- Bullshit grounds.

- Oh.

I'm gonna have to check
my law book on that one.

Overruled.

- Okay, well,
can we please get back

to the serious
subject of my wigs?

Because all
of this is irrelevant.

My sister is
a horrible person.

She called me a crackhead
and threw me out on the street.

I've been sober
for three years, Your Honor.

Do you know how
that made me feel?

- I've just been informed that
we have a surprise witness,

someone who could shed
some light on this situation.

[wind chime rustling]

- Look what the wind
done blew the fuck in.

[cheers and applause]

Miss whatever-you-is,
my name is--

- Marcus, what the hell
are you doing here?

- I'm Denise and Pat's cousin
on both sides.

- Ew!

That is some triflin' shit.

Continue.

- Well, ever since their
mother's funeral, it's brought

up a lot of bad feelings
between the two of them.

- Nigga,
you weren't even there.

- Neither was your edges.

- Your Honor,
Cousin Marcus is right.

Ever since Mama's funeral,
it showed me that Pat

once again believes that
she's better than me.

- She lyin'.
She had every opportunity

that I didn't have,
especially when we was kids.

- What are you talking about?

We were raised in the same
house the exact same way.

- Oh, is that how you see it?

'Cause that says a lot.

- Oh!
This isn't about the wigs.

- Oh, shit!
She threw the wigs, baby.

She done threw it.
Get it. Get it.

- ♪ Your cousin
has made me see ♪

- Amen!

- ♪ That we have just
been scratching the surface ♪

- ♪ 'Cause that's
what the fuck I do ♪

- ♪ This is
an old family beef ♪

- ♪ Yes, it is, now♪

- ♪ Here at
Judge Miss Sophia ♪

- ♪ Potter's house, Potter's
house, Potter's house! ♪

- ♪ Ahh! ♪

♪ Will you ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

- I'm sorry about that.
I was a big fan of the show.

Watched it all the time.

Surprised me when I first
turned on the remote control,

I said, "Oh, my God,
it's a rhinoceros in a wig!"

But then...

But then I
notice you was a judge,

and I've been
watching it ever since.

- You know,
here at Judge Miss Sophia,

I like to go beyond the ruling.

So tell me, what were things
like when you all were kids?

- Well, we had
a fantastic childhood.

- What are you talking about?

Our mother was a piece of shit.

- Good thing we
have an eyewitness here.

So tell us, Marcus,

who's telling the truth
about their mom?

- Well, they're both telling
the truth. You know, in a way.

I mean, Mildred, she treated
both of them differently.

I mean, Denise, she
treated her like a princess.

And Pat, well,
she treated her like--

- Shit!

- Well, I would have
used more of a TV term.

More like "excrement."

- What that mean?
- Shit.

It saddens me to see
you girls fighting like this.

- Oh! But it makes great TV.

- I don't know about all that.

- You were the same.

Remember when you
two were little girls?

You had each other's back.

That's how things
should be, always.

- Judge Justice Miss Sophia,

permission
to approach the bitch?

- Ooh, I thought
you'd never ask.

- Ah!
Ah! Ah!

I've been
informed that you resemble

an inmate at
the Macon State Prison.

- Ah! Ah!

Ah!

I'ma a fuck with ya.

[wind rustling]

- Damn! That wig game tight.

- He might be a criminal,
but let me just say,

that is how you
make a motherfuckin' exit!

[applause]

- That nigga stole my gavel!

[soft banging]

- You know,
your cousin brought up

something that I needs
to get an understanding.

If you all had each other's
backs when you were kids,

where did all of this
anger and bitterness come from?

- I have no idea.

- 'Cause she was
the golden child, Your Honor.

My mama treated her
different because she was

skinnier and prettier.

And plus, my mom was fucking
her real daddy on the weekends.

- Well, I'm not
the golden child now, am I?

I had to live with you until
you kicked me to the curb.

- Somebody is always
there to catch you, ain't it?

If it's not me,
it's the White boy.

Who it gon' be next?

- Well, which White boy are you
talking about,

Lee or Jesus?

- Only one
of them niggas is white.

- Pat-Pat,
you was talking about

our mama like
she wasn't nothing.

No matter what she was
and no matter her flaws,

that was still our mama.

- You want me to pretend like
she did a good job?

Fuck no!

She the reason why I was
selling drugs

so I can make her proud.

- Mama wasn't the reason
you was in the streets.

- Where else would I go?
Bitch, we got evicted.

- Oh, God, Pat, when
are you gonna let that go?

I mean, you get
to show up to Mama's funeral,

all married and successful,

and I don't have shit.

Pat-Pat,
I was supposed to be you.

But instead, I'm me.

And I hate it.

I hate me more
than you could ever hate me.

- Listen, I just need
to know one last thing.

I mean,
why was Denise thrown out

of the house
in the first place?

I mean,
I know you've had your past

addiction issues,
but you're clean now, right?

- Yeah, I am.

- So it's not like she
brought drugs into your home

and did them with your kids
or something crazy like that.

- Go ahead.

- No, nothing crazy like that.

- We just had a squabble,
like most sisters do.

- Thank you, Pat.

- Okay,
but I'm still gon' have to

rule in favor of...

the defendant, Ms. Pat.

Despite all the theatrics,
the fact remains.

Possession is
9/10ths of the law.

Now, you could have
went back and got your things

at any time,
but you chose not to,

and that's not surprising
when it comes to you,

because that seems
to be a pattern with you.

That's why you didn't
make anything out of yourself,

while your sister's
more successful than you.

And that--
- Hold on, Judge, Justice,

whatever the fuck you are!

Only I can lay
into my sister like that.

- Well, I was just saying--

- I know what you were
just saying,

but if you say one more word

like that about her,
I will come over there

and snatch them wigs
off your raggedy ass scalp.

- What's going on with all
this craziness, anyway?

- You're lucky you
look like a big, old,

delicious chocolate milkshake,

or I'd hold you in contempt.

- Don't be trying
to fuck my husband.

- You want me
to hold you in contempt?

- Now you
trying to fuck me, too?

- Girl, please.

The only thing I could do
with you is play Patty Cake.

Now, back to your sister.

- No. If we're gonna
talk about my sister,

we're gonna talk about
how Denise is one of the most

bravest and incredible people
that you would ever meet.

How she got herself off drugs,

and how she tried every day
to make something of herself.

Now, I know you
probably don't understand this,

but where we came from,
this shit is amazing.

- I don't hate you, Denise.

I love you.

And I will fuck up anybody
who tries to mistreat you.

Hell, I'll beat your ass if
you try to mistreat yourself.

I've already lost a mother.

I don't wanna
lose a sister too.

Not now.

Not ever.

- You don't know how much
I needed to hear that, Pat.

- We all needed that, Denise.

- All this fuckin' crying
is fuckin' up my show!

- Well, this should
be a mistrial, Judge.

- Ooh, this little girl
is so goddamn annoying.

But you're right.

I declare a mistrial.

- Oh.
- Yes!

- Okay, all right.
- And by that, I mean,

Miss Trial,

come and get all
these ghetto ass niggas

outta my courtroom, Queen!

- Sorry, y'all.

But right now is about the time

that we no longer give a fuck.

- Who the fuck is that?
Switching Sandman?

[audience booing]

- You see?

That's why we can't keep
putting straight people on TV.

They gon' brainwash
all the kids.

- Ooh, shit, I look good.

You know, I should really be
on a reality show after this.

- You, on a reality show?

Click. That's me
turning the channel.

- It's so good
to have you home, Denise.

Truly.
- Yeah, we missed you.

- Aww, I missed y'all, too.

You know what else I missed?

Junebug making
sexy eyes at the judge.

[all laugh]

- No, I wasn't.

The TV camera does that to you.

- Man, I can't
believe we made it on TV.

I can't wait for the residual
checks to come in.

Give me that bag, baby.

- Brandon, I don't think that's
how that--

- Just let it be.
- Okay.

- Pat, I've been
calling and texting you.

- Oh, shit. I still got you
blocked, Denise.

- Okay, well,
where are you going?

You don't wanna see
your first TV credit?

- No, fuck that show.

They'll put any damn thing
on BET Plus.

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪

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