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1
00:00:02,190 --> 00:00:05,010
(applause)
2
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:12,050
- On our show tonight
we've very happy to have
3
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,200
that marvelous comedian
from McHale's Navy,
4
00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,080
Tim Conway.
5
00:00:16,130 --> 00:00:18,010
And I think, thank you--
6
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,970
(applause)
7
00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:24,180
just about the best singer to
come down the pike in ages,
8
00:00:24,230 --> 00:00:26,190
Mr. Jack Jones.
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00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:29,230
(clapping and cheering)
10
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:34,210
Before we get started
may we turn up the lights
11
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:36,200
so we can talk to
the folks, please?
12
00:00:38,050 --> 00:00:40,150
Do you have any questions
you might like to ask?
13
00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,150
(voice is muffled)
14
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,150
Our orchestra leader is
Harry Zimmerman and he's been
15
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,990
with us for years and
I love him dearly.
16
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:52,170
You can see him right
through that glass booth.
17
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,200
(applause)
18
00:00:58,050 --> 00:01:00,190
Thank you for asking,
that's Harry's sister.
19
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,110
(laughing)
20
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,270
Yes, miss.
21
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,810
- We have something for
you, may we give it to you?
22
00:01:05,010 --> 00:01:06,190
- You have something for me?
23
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,040
Sure, yeah come on up.
24
00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:10,080
Or should I?
25
00:01:10,130 --> 00:01:11,210
(audience laughing)
26
00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:14,960
Come on up, I'm getting a gift.
27
00:01:15,010 --> 00:01:16,160
(audience laughing)
28
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,200
Wait til I see it?
29
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,200
Come on up.
30
00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:23,020
What's your name?
- Miss Swan.
31
00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:24,990
- Miss Swan, hi.
32
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,120
- Hi, how are you?
33
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,170
- Thank you, let me see.
34
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,230
- It's from that
young lady over there.
35
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,030
She's worked on it
for a whole week.
36
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,200
- To Carol from Nickie Marcus.
37
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,030
Can I open it now
or should I wait?
38
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,140
- You sure can.
39
00:01:34,190 --> 00:01:36,180
- Okay well stay here now,
Miss Swan, one minute.
40
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:37,180
In case it--
41
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:41,000
(audience laughing)
42
00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:43,010
Don't go away.
(audience laughing)
43
00:01:43,210 --> 00:01:45,200
Oh it's really what is it?
44
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,200
I'm always really nervous
about opening things.
45
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:50,200
Anybody got a pair of scissors?
46
00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:53,200
- I thought she was
gonna be nervous.
47
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- It's a tube.
48
00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:06,060
(laughing)
49
00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:07,070
It's awful.
50
00:02:08,230 --> 00:02:11,060
Oh that's adorable,
look can you see that?
51
00:02:11,110 --> 00:02:13,140
(applause)
52
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:20,190
That's very cute, thank you.
53
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,050
Thank you Nickie,
that's just adorable.
54
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:25,070
I really appreciate it.
55
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,080
Oh geez, she's gorgeous.
56
00:02:27,130 --> 00:02:28,190
(audience laughing)
57
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,100
Thank you very much, I
shall have this framed
58
00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:34,020
and I'll give it to our
writers for their dart board.
59
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:35,190
(audience laughing)
60
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,210
Thank you, don't
you keep it now.
61
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:40,090
Any other gifts?
62
00:02:40,140 --> 00:02:43,090
(audience laughing)
63
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:46,120
- Have you ever kissed a man
with a mustache and beard?
64
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,210
And if so, did you like it?
65
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,050
- You're a devil.
66
00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:53,020
He says have I ever kissed
a man with a mustache
67
00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:56,120
and a beard before, and
if so did I like it?
68
00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:58,210
No I haven't, you
want a crack at it?
69
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,210
(audience laughing)
70
00:03:07,150 --> 00:03:08,980
I love it!
71
00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:12,150
(clapping and cheering)
72
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,060
(audience laughing)
73
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:22,100
Pretty good.
74
00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,040
Well, gifts and kisses.
75
00:03:26,180 --> 00:03:28,030
Any, uh, body else?
76
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,190
No lady, not you.
77
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,090
(audience laughing)
78
00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,070
You know, I would like
to bring out Tim Conway
79
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,040
to say hello and
answer a few questions.
80
00:03:37,090 --> 00:03:39,130
(applause)
81
00:03:46,230 --> 00:03:49,100
Anybody have any questions
they want to shoot at Tim?
82
00:03:49,150 --> 00:03:50,190
Anything, don't be chicken.
83
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,070
- Good night, thanks.
84
00:03:53,130 --> 00:03:55,090
- The gentleman over there.
85
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:57,180
- (voice is muffled)
You get the bald head?
86
00:03:57,230 --> 00:03:58,200
- Where'd you get the bald head?
87
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:00,990
(audience laughing)
88
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,160
- Actually I'm not bald,
I do have my own hair.
89
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,060
It's home in a box.
90
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,190
I could have brought it if
I'd known you were coming.
91
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,210
I don't know, it just
kind of came on me.
92
00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:11,010
- From birth.
93
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:11,800
- Standing there eating
soup one day and I said,
94
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:12,800
there is hair in this.
95
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,960
(audience laughing)
96
00:04:16,010 --> 00:04:17,960
- Girl back there.
97
00:04:18,010 --> 00:04:19,010
- [Woman] Are you gonna
do another TV series?
98
00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:21,070
- Am I gonna do
another TV series?
99
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,230
I don't think so, we were
doing the last one, Rango.
100
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,140
A fellow from the network
we were doing it for
101
00:04:26,190 --> 00:04:28,140
came in and said
don't do this anymore.
102
00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:29,230
(audience laughing)
103
00:04:30,010 --> 00:04:31,210
We stopped there and I
haven't done one since.
104
00:04:31,260 --> 00:04:34,130
(applause)
105
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:38,080
(sultry instrumental music)
106
00:04:57,110 --> 00:04:59,150
- During the years that I was
bringing up my kid sister,
107
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,020
I must say that my husband
Roger was easygoing
108
00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:04,040
and tolerant, except
occasionally when he
109
00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:05,130
was under pressure
110
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,180
and then just about
everybody got on his nerves.
111
00:05:08,230 --> 00:05:12,160
(lively instrumental music)
112
00:05:14,170 --> 00:05:18,120
- 495, 76, what did she spend?
113
00:05:18,170 --> 00:05:22,170
459, 76, 715.
114
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:28,020
Carol!
115
00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:29,090
(screams)
116
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:32,060
Will you stop pounding
around the house?
117
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,990
- I was trying to be quiet.
118
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,190
- Yeah well my
accountant is coming over
119
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,170
and I've got to get these
tax information together.
120
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,000
- Alright, alright I'll go out.
121
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:42,040
- [Roger] Be quiet.
122
00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:49,100
- Hi.
- Shh.
123
00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:52,160
- I never thought I'd get
mugged in my own living room.
124
00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:53,060
- Shh.
125
00:05:53,110 --> 00:05:54,050
- What's the matter?
126
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:55,000
- Roger's thinking.
127
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,070
- With what?
128
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,110
- I heard that, I heard that.
129
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,140
- There goes Mt. Vesuvius again.
130
00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:02,970
- Carol, let me
ask you something.
131
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:04,220
Is it too much to
ask for a man to be--
132
00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:07,160
- [Both] Entitled to a
little peace and quiet
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00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:08,170
in his own house?
134
00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:10,170
A man home is his castle.
135
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,120
- And I'm the king.
136
00:06:15,090 --> 00:06:18,050
- If I'm the king how come
she eats like Henry VIII?
137
00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:20,190
- He's starting again.
138
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,010
- Roger, forget she's my sister.
139
00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:24,070
Just look upon her
as a tax deduction.
140
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,100
- Some tax deduction,
$600 lousy dollars.
141
00:06:27,150 --> 00:06:29,080
She eats that much
in apples alone.
142
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,110
- Come on, sis, we'll make
old Scrooge here happy
143
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,050
and we'll go into the kitchen
and quietly starve to death.
144
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,990
- But you guys,
Gretchen's coming over.
145
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,200
We're gonna study together.
146
00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:39,980
- Gretchen?
147
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,050
Is Gretchen the
one I think she is?
148
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,190
The one that's
always staring at me
149
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,080
with that goofy
look on her face?
150
00:06:44,130 --> 00:06:45,970
- [Carol And Chris]
That's Gretchen.
151
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,060
- What's with her anyway?
152
00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:50,980
She never says hello,
she just stares.
153
00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:54,000
- Roger, it so happens that
she has a crush on you.
154
00:06:54,050 --> 00:06:56,070
(laughing)
155
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,050
- Crush?
156
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,080
- She thinks you're groovy.
157
00:06:59,130 --> 00:07:01,020
- I never said two
words to the girl.
158
00:07:01,070 --> 00:07:02,130
- Maybe that's why.
159
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:03,170
(audience laughing)
160
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:04,970
- Crush, now I've
heard everything.
161
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:09,950
Please get out of here. (doorbell rings)
- That must be Gretchen.
162
00:07:10,150 --> 00:07:12,010
- Hi Gretch.
- Hi Chris.
163
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:13,180
- Oh hi Gretchen, how are you?
164
00:07:13,230 --> 00:07:14,220
- Fine, Mrs. Bradford.
165
00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:15,150
- Good.
166
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:18,100
- Roger, say hello to Gretchen.
167
00:07:18,150 --> 00:07:21,110
(audience laughing)
168
00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:24,040
- Hello, Gretchen.
169
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:27,200
You look very nice
tonight, Gretchen.
170
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:28,150
Oh boy.
171
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,060
- Now you girls just sit
down and study very quietly
172
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:35,030
because Roger's got a lot
of work to do, and you can--
173
00:07:37,210 --> 00:07:38,150
Gretchen.
174
00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:49,090
Gretchen, I'll whip up
some things in the kitchen.
175
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,000
- Have an apple, or 12.
176
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:59,220
(audience laughing)
177
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,010
Alright that's 9, 17, 34.
178
00:08:05,090 --> 00:08:08,040
(apple crunching)
179
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:16,070
- (sighs) 9, 17, 34.
180
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,130
(apple crunching)
181
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:19,110
(audience laughing)
182
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,220
Kids, I'm trying to concentrate.
183
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,120
Could you switch to bananas?
184
00:08:23,230 --> 00:08:24,200
- Sorry, Roger.
185
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:27,010
- Sorry Roger, sorry Roger.
186
00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:32,140
Uh alright, 9, 17, 34, 46.
187
00:08:32,190 --> 00:08:35,100
That's 10, seven,
carry over one.
188
00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:38,100
(audience laughing)
189
00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:50,980
Carol.
190
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,220
- [Carol] I'll be
out in a minute.
191
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,000
(groans)
192
00:08:57,050 --> 00:08:58,090
(audience laughing)
193
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:00,210
- Oh boy he's groovy.
194
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:03,010
- Oh boy you're crazy.
195
00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:05,160
- No, I mean he's so
tall and masculine,
196
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,110
and mature in everything.
197
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,980
- He's an old grouch.
198
00:09:09,030 --> 00:09:13,120
- He's not a grouch, he's
nasty like Humphrey Bogart.
199
00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:14,220
- Carol, I can't
take it anymore.
200
00:09:14,270 --> 00:09:16,130
She keeps staring at
me with that goofy look
201
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,170
on her face.
202
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:19,980
- Oh honey, be nice to
her, she's just a kid.
203
00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:22,050
You know when I was her age
and I was in high school
204
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,060
I had a big crush on
my history teacher.
205
00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:26,060
- Yeah, well how long did
it take you to get over it?
206
00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:27,100
- Three years.
207
00:09:28,090 --> 00:09:29,180
- Three years?
208
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:32,130
- Yeah, well after all he was
very handsome and charming.
209
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,170
It will take Gretchen
about three days.
210
00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:37,190
(audience laughing)
211
00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:39,150
- Thanks.
212
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,030
- You know he was very kind.
213
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,200
He sat me down and he
patiently explained to me
214
00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:45,050
that he was more than twice
my age and happily married.
215
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,030
That took care of it.
216
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,150
I understood and I got over it.
217
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,000
- That's it, that's
what I've got to do.
218
00:09:49,050 --> 00:09:50,960
- Alright here take the
cookies and milk into the kids
219
00:09:51,010 --> 00:09:54,890
and I'll be out in a second.
- Alright I'll do it.
220
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:58,970
Hey kids, Carol whipped
up nice milk and cookies.
221
00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:01,970
Made those herself, great
baker, wonderful housekeeper.
222
00:10:02,020 --> 00:10:03,150
I tell you, I don't know
what I'd do without her.
223
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,230
I love her madly, what
a wonderful woman.
224
00:10:06,010 --> 00:10:07,080
- Well how are we doing?
225
00:10:07,130 --> 00:10:08,210
Gretchen are those
cookies alright honey?
226
00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:10,210
Would you like to
have a piece of cake?
227
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,230
(audience laughing)
228
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,110
Chris, would you come
in the kitchen with me
229
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,060
for a minute?
230
00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:22,100
- Sure, Carol.
231
00:10:22,150 --> 00:10:23,120
- Yes, let's go into the
kitchen for a minute.
232
00:10:23,170 --> 00:10:24,070
- Stay.
233
00:10:27,010 --> 00:10:28,910
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
234
00:10:29,110 --> 00:10:33,140
- Well Gretchen how are
things in your world?
235
00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,170
I'm glad, I really am.
236
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:39,010
You're a very nice girl,
Gretchen, you really are.
237
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:43,160
(audience laughing)
238
00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:49,000
I'm glad that Chris has
you for a friend Gretchen,
239
00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:50,060
I really am.
240
00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,180
Say, why don't we sit down
and have a talk for a --
241
00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:54,100
(audience laughing)
242
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:55,120
You're usually so busy
when you come over
243
00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,970
you don't have a chance to chat.
244
00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:00,180
But I'm not busy now, why
don't we have our chat?
245
00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:06,970
Hm-mm, okay so you know it's
wonderful to be young like you,
246
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:09,990
I suppose have a long happy
life to look forward to.
247
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,180
Not like us old fogies.
248
00:11:13,070 --> 00:11:16,130
Oh, I know what you're thinking
and I think you're kind
249
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:17,160
to think that way.
250
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,160
You think older men
are super, don't you?
251
00:11:19,210 --> 00:11:22,190
Yeah, but I'll let you in on
a little secret, Gretchen.
252
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,070
I've lied to Chris about my age.
253
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:28,180
I told her I'm 36, but
I'm not, I'm closer to 56.
254
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,020
Yeah I know I don't
look it on the outside,
255
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:31,230
but inside I'm all wrinkled.
256
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,140
(audience laughing)
257
00:11:34,190 --> 00:11:38,020
Gnarled, you know, wracked
with pain, rheumatism,
258
00:11:38,070 --> 00:11:41,010
arthritis, bursitis,
constritis, gout.
259
00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:43,100
You know I'm so lucky to
have Carol to take care of me
260
00:11:43,150 --> 00:11:45,060
during my few remaining years.
261
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:46,170
So thankful.
262
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,170
Every morning she dresses
me and at night when no one
263
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:51,110
is around she gives me some
cookies floating around
264
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,000
in Geritol.
265
00:11:53,050 --> 00:11:54,960
(audience laughing)
266
00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:56,000
I've got false teeth you know.
267
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:57,010
You want to see them.
268
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,990
(groans)
269
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,030
Then she puts on my
Lawrence Welk records.
270
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,230
I think he's super, don't you?
271
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,200
A one, a two.
272
00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:05,370
- Chris!
- Gretch.
273
00:12:05,570 --> 00:12:07,810
- I don't feel like
studying any more tonight.
274
00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,010
- Oh that's too bad.
275
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,100
- Well I best be getting
back to my paperwork
276
00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,970
before these old eyes give out.
277
00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:14,230
- Don't you think
you're overdoing it?
278
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,970
(doorbell rings)
- Hey that must be Larry.
279
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:19,180
- Hi Larry.
280
00:12:19,230 --> 00:12:21,080
- Hi Chris, hi
Carol how are you?
281
00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:23,150
(applause)
282
00:12:27,010 --> 00:12:28,000
Roger, you got the papers?
283
00:12:28,050 --> 00:12:29,010
- Yeah, listen why
don't you take them all.
284
00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:30,120
I haven't got the head for them.
285
00:12:30,170 --> 00:12:32,950
- Oh Larry this is Christine's
girlfriend, Gretchen.
286
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,210
Gretchen, this is Mr. Porter.
287
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:37,040
- Oh hi, Gretchen,
nice to see you.
288
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,020
(audience laughing)
289
00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:41,040
Listen, nice to see you.
290
00:12:41,090 --> 00:12:44,220
(upbeat instrumental music)
291
00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:48,090
(applause)
292
00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:53,010
(slow instrumental music)
293
00:13:02,150 --> 00:13:03,970
(screams)
294
00:13:04,020 --> 00:13:06,970
- Oh geez, I didn't know.
295
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,060
Were you on that
cruise ship that sank?
296
00:13:09,110 --> 00:13:10,030
- Yes.
297
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,150
- You know something?
- What?
298
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,190
- I think we're the
only two survivors.
299
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,990
- We are?
300
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,230
- The way I figure it,
we're on this island alone.
301
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:18,970
- Alone?
302
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,060
- Yeah, oh now don't--
303
00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:22,060
- Don't you touch me!
304
00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:24,990
(audience laughing)
305
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,970
You stay away from me.
306
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:28,000
- Oh no wait a minute.
307
00:13:28,050 --> 00:13:30,030
(screams)
308
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,070
Animal, animal, animal.
309
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,070
Don't you try to unleash your
animalistic passions on me.
310
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,040
- I wouldn't do
anything, really.
311
00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,980
- You bet you're not, buster.
312
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:41,120
For all I know you could
be Jack the Ripper.
313
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:43,020
- No, no I'm Fred the Plumber.
314
00:13:43,070 --> 00:13:44,010
I had a card.
315
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,170
(audience laughing)
316
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:46,960
Really, my wallet's gone.
317
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:48,960
- Well don't you try
to take advantage of me
318
00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:50,050
just because I'm a woman.
319
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,180
I know your type.
320
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:53,100
- No really, honestly I'm not.
321
00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:55,970
Well looks are deceiving.
322
00:13:56,020 --> 00:13:57,030
Do you think that I,
323
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,130
now wait a minute got to
get control of yourself.
324
00:14:00,180 --> 00:14:02,210
We've got to build a
signal fire here in case
325
00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:04,160
a rescue ship comes by.
326
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:07,000
- We'll never be
rescued, I just know it.
327
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:08,070
We'll never be rescued.
328
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,080
- Oh sure we will.
329
00:14:09,130 --> 00:14:11,070
- I'll just die
here on this island.
330
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,000
I'll be nothing but a bunch
of bleached bones in the sand.
331
00:14:15,050 --> 00:14:16,230
I know it, do you hear me?
332
00:14:17,010 --> 00:14:18,010
I just--
Oh, I needed that.
333
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:20,000
(audience laughing)
334
00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:21,160
I didn't need that.
335
00:14:21,210 --> 00:14:24,990
- Sometimes two are
better than one.
336
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,020
Look I'm sorry, but you've got
to learn to control yourself.
337
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:30,040
I'm gonna take charge
here, I'm the man
338
00:14:30,090 --> 00:14:33,000
and I'm also a Boy Scout.
339
00:14:33,050 --> 00:14:35,210
Troop 33, Cleveland,
Ohio, Chipmunk Patrol.
340
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:39,010
(audience laughing)
341
00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:40,220
I've got plenty of merit
badges in photography
342
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,960
and brushing my teeth
so now don't worry.
343
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:45,040
I know how to find food
and I know how to find wood
344
00:14:45,090 --> 00:14:46,060
for shelter.
345
00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:48,020
Just stick with me
and you'll be alright.
346
00:14:48,070 --> 00:14:49,040
Okay let's move out.
347
00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:52,980
(audience laughing)
348
00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:54,000
I found wood.
349
00:14:54,050 --> 00:14:55,200
(audience laughing)
350
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:57,050
- Let me help you up.
351
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,130
Ow.
352
00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:01,040
- Oh gee, I'm sorry,
are you alright?
353
00:15:01,090 --> 00:15:02,960
- It's only dislocated.
354
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:04,040
- Well now don't worry.
355
00:15:04,090 --> 00:15:05,100
We'd better get that
signal fire going.
356
00:15:05,150 --> 00:15:06,150
You know a ship might pass.
357
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,020
- I hope it's a hospital ship.
358
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:09,160
(audience laughing)
359
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:11,130
- Just look for anything
dry that we can burn.
360
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:12,160
- [Charlene] Okay.
361
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:14,040
- [Fred] Oh here are
some sticks over here.
362
00:15:14,090 --> 00:15:15,970
- Here's a piece
of wood over here.
363
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:17,050
- [Fred] Oh these will be fine.
364
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,030
- [Charlene] Here's one.
365
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,050
- [Fred] Oh here's a great one.
366
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,000
- [Charlene] Where?
367
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:21,010
- Under your foot.
368
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,140
(audience laughing)
369
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,110
Bring them all down
here, there you go.
370
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:34,070
Boy, oh do you want me to
save a couple for splints?
371
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,220
- I'm getting hungry.
372
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,230
- Oh now don't
worry, don't worry.
373
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,130
Plenty of turtle eggs
on these islands.
374
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:40,160
- Turtle eggs?
375
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:42,030
- Sure, all you've gotta
look for is a rock.
376
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,060
They bury them in the
sand underneath the rock.
377
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,040
- Oh there's a rock.
378
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:47,120
- I'll go to it.
379
00:15:47,170 --> 00:15:50,990
(audience laughing)
380
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,020
Here it is, you
just hang onto that.
381
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,030
(cracking)
382
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,050
(audience laughing)
383
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:56,990
Broken?
384
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,000
- I'll reset it later.
385
00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,100
(audience laughing)
386
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:01,160
- Looks kind of good.
387
00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:05,980
Hey look, look I found
eggs, I found eggs.
388
00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:07,110
- Those are rocks.
389
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,050
- I found rocks, I found rocks.
390
00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:13,120
- Alright save them,
they'll make good roughage.
391
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:16,040
- Those could be mine.
392
00:16:16,090 --> 00:16:18,060
Hey look here are some coconuts.
393
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,190
At least we can drink
the coconut milk.
394
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,080
Just stand back, I'll
crack one of these open.
395
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,000
(pounding)
396
00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,190
- You know, don't you think
it'd be better if you tried
397
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,200
to break it open on
this sharp point right--
398
00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:31,200
(audience laughing)
399
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:34,190
- By golly, you
were right on that.
400
00:16:36,090 --> 00:16:38,200
- If a ship comes I
hope you see it first.
401
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:40,070
I won't be able to point.
402
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,220
(audience laughing)
403
00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:43,110
- I used to eat these.
404
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,130
- Hey why don't we go
deep into the underbrush
405
00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:47,000
and look for berries?
406
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:48,010
- Good idea.
407
00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:49,170
Alright wait a
minute, wait a minute.
408
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:50,110
- What?
409
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,060
- Well you can't go in there.
410
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,110
- Why not?
411
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,160
- Well it's likely
to be dangerous.
412
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:54,160
Likely to be a wild boar
or something in there.
413
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,040
I'd better go first.
414
00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:57,070
- Oh okay.
415
00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:02,060
- There could be a wild
boar or something in there.
416
00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:04,060
- Yeah, I won't go in, you go.
417
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,070
- Yeah well you wait here.
418
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,090
Here I go now.
419
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,210
(animal noises)
420
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,020
Help.
421
00:17:12,070 --> 00:17:13,220
- Are you alright?
422
00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:17,230
- Where are ya?
423
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,050
It was big, about that size.
424
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:23,170
- That was really nice
of you going in there
425
00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:26,100
all by yourself
just to protect me.
426
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:28,080
You're kind of nice.
427
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,040
- Well gee, thanks.
428
00:17:31,090 --> 00:17:34,020
(audience laughing)
429
00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:36,080
You got a small shoulder there.
430
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,160
- I felt something a moment ago.
431
00:17:38,210 --> 00:17:40,970
- You did? Well next time
I'll pull my punches.
432
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:42,080
- No, no, not that.
433
00:17:42,130 --> 00:17:45,090
I mean before when you came
out and I was holding you.
434
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:49,160
You may not believe this
but I've always been
435
00:17:49,210 --> 00:17:52,080
rather nervous around men.
436
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:57,140
Well golly, in all my 19
years I've never been alone
437
00:17:57,190 --> 00:17:59,010
with a man before.
438
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,080
- Well neither have I.
439
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,160
(audience laughing)
440
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:07,000
No, no I mean I've never been
alone with a girl before.
441
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,230
See how that, except
once of course,
442
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,020
at our high school prom.
443
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:13,040
We went up to Lover's
Lane afterwards.
444
00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:16,080
We were in separate cars, so--
445
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:17,150
(audience laughing)
446
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,170
Nothing going on.
447
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,030
We hooked bumpers,
but that's it.
448
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,090
(audience laughing)
449
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:23,030
- You know back home
I never went out.
450
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,170
One time I tried to
get on the Dating Game.
451
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:26,960
- What happened?
452
00:18:27,010 --> 00:18:28,120
- They sent me over
to Mission Impossible.
453
00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:30,120
(audience laughing)
454
00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:32,030
- Darn guys, I tell you.
455
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,210
You know something?
456
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:35,100
I don't even know your name.
457
00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,190
- Oh, my name is
Charlene Frisby.
458
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:43,000
- Charlene Frisby, that's
a beautiful name, Charlene.
459
00:18:43,050 --> 00:18:45,190
Then you get the Frisby
and it goes downhill.
460
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,030
(audience laughing)
461
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,120
- What's your name?
462
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,140
- Fred Partridge.
463
00:18:49,190 --> 00:18:51,070
- Fred Partridge.
464
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:54,970
? And a partridge
in a pear tree ?
465
00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:56,070
I bet you get a lot of that.
466
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,090
- Yeah, I do, I hate it.
467
00:18:58,140 --> 00:19:00,110
(audience laughing)
468
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,160
So you know something?
469
00:19:01,210 --> 00:19:03,050
Do you think we'll
get to know each other
470
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,050
a little bit better?
471
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,030
- Could be.
472
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,120
- I mean being here and all.
473
00:19:08,150 --> 00:19:09,090
- Yeah.
474
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:11,220
- You, uh, you busy tonight?
475
00:19:11,270 --> 00:19:14,230
(audience laughing)
476
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:17,150
- I don't think so.
477
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,080
- You know something, don't
feel me forward on this.
478
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:24,120
But do you believe in
pre-marital handholding?
479
00:19:24,170 --> 00:19:27,110
(audience laughing)
480
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,030
- Well if the couple
is going steady.
481
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,170
- Guess we're going steady.
482
00:19:35,220 --> 00:19:38,210
Well now I guess we should
do what ever other couple
483
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,060
on a deserted island does.
484
00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:42,950
I mean look for a bottle
and put a note in it
485
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,080
and throw it in the ocean.
486
00:19:44,130 --> 00:19:46,020
- Let's see if we
can find a bottle.
487
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:47,020
Oh looky.
488
00:19:47,070 --> 00:19:50,120
- Here's one, by
golly right over here.
489
00:19:50,170 --> 00:19:52,220
Hey there's already
a note in it.
490
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:53,120
(pops)
491
00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:55,020
- Oh it's a pop bottle.
492
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,040
(audience laughing)
493
00:20:06,010 --> 00:20:08,130
- I hope you won't be here long.
494
00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,010
Oh look it's for you.
495
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:15,040
- Once in the morning does
it, the Green Phantom.
496
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:18,190
(lively instrumental music)
497
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,060
(applause)
498
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:35,200
? I'm so glad we had
this time together ?
499
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:41,140
? Just to have a
laugh or sing a song ?
500
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,160
? Seems we just get started ?
501
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:48,120
? And before you know it ?
502
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:55,080
? Comes the time we
have to say so long ?
503
00:20:56,130 --> 00:21:00,100
(sultry instrumental music)
504
00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:05,100
(applause)
505
00:21:14,130 --> 00:21:16,130
- [Announcer] The part
of Gretchen was played
506
00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:17,170
by Ruth Buzzi.
507
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,120
(big band music)
35310
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