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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,000
(applause)
2
00:00:03,050 --> 00:00:04,090
- Could we turn up
the lights so we can
3
00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:07,990
talk to the people
please before we start?
4
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,010
Do you have any questions
5
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:10,100
you might like to
ask this evening?
6
00:00:10,150 --> 00:00:11,230
Yes ma'am?
7
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,090
- Do a motion picture
with Lucille Ball.
8
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,160
- Am I ever going to do a motion
9
00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:16,220
picture with Lucille Ball?
10
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,030
It's funny you should ask, no.
11
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,230
(audience laughs)
12
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,980
Actually Lucy and I have talked
13
00:00:23,030 --> 00:00:24,230
about doing a movie
together but it's very
14
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,980
difficult to find
the right property.
15
00:00:27,030 --> 00:00:29,030
But I would really
love to very much.
16
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,040
I've worked with
her on her show.
17
00:00:31,090 --> 00:00:33,010
I just did a couple
that'll be on
18
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:35,010
in December and she
was on our show.
19
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,970
She's quite a gal and
I would love to do a
20
00:00:38,020 --> 00:00:39,190
movie with her but if
you think of something
21
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,160
we could do together
let me know, okay?
22
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,990
The odd couple.
23
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,050
(audience laughs)
24
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,020
What'd you say?
25
00:00:46,070 --> 00:00:47,030
- Beauty and the Beast.
26
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,040
- Beauty and the Beast.
27
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:49,980
(audience laughs)
28
00:00:50,030 --> 00:00:52,000
That's our drunk cameraman.
29
00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:53,090
(audience laughs)
30
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,170
(applause)
31
00:00:57,010 --> 00:01:00,150
(Carol Burnett theme music)
32
00:01:11,050 --> 00:01:13,120
(applause)
33
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,210
- Of all the hectic times I had
34
00:01:19,260 --> 00:01:21,120
bringing up my kid sister
I think the wildest
35
00:01:21,170 --> 00:01:23,110
was the night
Chrissie and I decided
36
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,960
to give Roger a
surprise birthday party.
37
00:01:26,010 --> 00:01:27,090
To ensure the
surprise we made it
38
00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:30,110
exactly one week
before his birthday.
39
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,010
Since he always came
home at seven o'clock
40
00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,120
all the guests
were set to arrive
41
00:01:33,170 --> 00:01:35,030
at 06:00 and everything
was going very
42
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,220
smoothly until about
a quarter till six.
43
00:01:48,090 --> 00:01:49,130
Here are the party hats,
44
00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:51,090
let's see now remember
everybody will
45
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,100
be in the kitchen
and you all come out
46
00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:56,100
and yell surprise
when I say, "Now!"
47
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,230
- I know, I know.
48
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,020
- Fix the coffee.
49
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,030
- I forgot to buy the coffee.
50
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,040
I'll have to run out
to the supermarket.
51
00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:06,180
Hi.
- Hi Chris, how are you?
52
00:02:06,230 --> 00:02:07,100
Hi Carol.
53
00:02:07,150 --> 00:02:08,120
- Oh, thank you.
54
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,220
Now remember what you do is you
55
00:02:09,270 --> 00:02:11,020
go into the kitchen and then you
56
00:02:11,070 --> 00:02:12,200
come out when Roger's here but
57
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,960
only when I yell, "Now!"
58
00:02:14,010 --> 00:02:15,010
And you say, "Surprise."
59
00:02:15,060 --> 00:02:16,110
- Does Roger suspect anything?
60
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,030
- Not a thing.
61
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,060
(doorbell rings)
62
00:02:18,110 --> 00:02:20,020
Oh, that must be the Robinson's.
63
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:21,090
(door slams)
It's Roger!
64
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:24,170
(audience laughs)
65
00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:26,100
Hurry, take everything
in the kitchen.
66
00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:27,160
- Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
67
00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:29,120
- He never comes
home this early.
68
00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:32,180
(audience laughs)
69
00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:37,220
(doorbell rings)
(audience laughs)
70
00:02:41,150 --> 00:02:44,060
(doorbell rings)
71
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,980
- Why did you do that?
72
00:02:51,030 --> 00:02:51,960
- Do what honey?
73
00:02:52,010 --> 00:02:53,010
- Slam the door in my face.
74
00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:54,970
- Oh, well I did that because
75
00:02:55,020 --> 00:02:56,210
I didn't know it was you.
76
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,110
I mean you never
get home this early.
77
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,220
- Is that the only
way you recognize me
78
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,010
as the guy who walks through
79
00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:03,080
that door at seven o'clock?
80
00:03:03,130 --> 00:03:06,980
- Well no, usually
you don't ring,
81
00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:09,030
you use your key
and come right in.
82
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,070
Why did you ring it, the bell?
83
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,010
(Roger sighs)
84
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:13,180
- I forgot my keys this morning.
85
00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:14,970
The whole day's been that way.
86
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,220
Thought I'd come home
early and have a drink.
87
00:03:16,270 --> 00:03:18,130
- Where are you going?!
88
00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:20,000
- [Roger] The kitchen
to get some ice cubes.
89
00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:21,180
- No, I wouldn't
let you do a thing
90
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:22,230
like that sweetheart!
91
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,030
Get your own ice cubes?
92
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,020
Never, never in a million years.
93
00:03:26,070 --> 00:03:28,000
No, I'll get your ice cubes and
94
00:03:28,050 --> 00:03:29,000
I'll fix you a drink.
95
00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:30,070
After all I'm the wife,
96
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,220
your the husband.
97
00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:34,000
- Okay, what happened today?
98
00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:35,090
- Nothing.
(audience laughs)
99
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:36,150
- You wrecked the car.
100
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,020
- No, no, nothing, no.
(doorbell rings)
101
00:03:38,070 --> 00:03:38,970
- I'll get it.
102
00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:39,960
- No, no, I just
remembered where
103
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:41,800
I think I saw your keys.
- Where?
104
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,070
- Upstairs in the
bedroom on the dresser,
105
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,230
next to the bed.
- Oh, great.
106
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,970
- Well go check on them.
107
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:47,040
- I'll check later.
- They may go away.
108
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,970
- What are you talking about?
109
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,010
- Go up and see.
(audience laughs)
110
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:50,970
- Carol what's the
matter with you?
111
00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:51,810
- Check on them.
112
00:03:52,010 --> 00:03:54,020
Go check dear, just check.
113
00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:59,080
Shh, Roger's upstairs.
114
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,120
- Who is it honey?
115
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,030
- Wrong number.
(audience laughs)
116
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,060
- Wrong what?
117
00:04:08,110 --> 00:04:09,190
- Address, they wanted
the Smith's house.
118
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,090
- Oh.
119
00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:11,080
- What are you doing?
120
00:04:11,130 --> 00:04:12,090
Where, who, what, how, why?
121
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:13,040
- The keys aren't upstairs.
122
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:14,010
Maybe they're in that jacket
123
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:14,980
that I wore yesterday.
124
00:04:15,030 --> 00:04:15,990
- No they're not there.
- How do you know?
125
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:17,210
- I know because I sent all the
126
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:19,980
clothes in the closet out to the
127
00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:21,150
cleaners yesterday
and before I did that
128
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,200
I looked in the
pockets and there
129
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,180
were no keys there.
130
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:26,110
(doorbell rings)
131
00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:29,130
- Hi Roger.
132
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:30,140
- Hi Chrissie, have
you seen my keys?
133
00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:31,960
- Maybe they're in the closet.
134
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,040
- There not in the closet!
- There not in the closet!
135
00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:35,000
(audience laughs)
136
00:04:35,050 --> 00:04:36,090
Come to think of
it I saw some keys
137
00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,230
up in the bathroom this morning.
138
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,160
- Good thank you.
Not the closet!
139
00:04:47,030 --> 00:04:49,000
Hey wait a minute.
140
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:52,170
I know where they are.
141
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,160
- Yeah?
142
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,190
- When I was
putting on my jacket
143
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,160
this morning I heard something
144
00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:56,200
drop in the closet, excuse me.
145
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:59,990
- Roger!
(audience laughs)
146
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,140
Roger why don't we
ever talk anymore?
147
00:05:02,190 --> 00:05:04,040
(audience laughs)
148
00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:05,130
- Because we scream a lot.
149
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,170
(audience laughs)
150
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:08,130
- No darling it's always running
151
00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:10,120
and working and going
152
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:13,150
and we never talk
just man to man,
153
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,990
no, man to wife, we never talk.
154
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,080
Why don't we just sit down and
155
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:19,220
talk to each other sweetheart.
156
00:05:19,270 --> 00:05:21,060
Talk.
157
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,130
- All right can
we start off if I
158
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,090
ask you a very
personal question dear?
159
00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:25,090
- Anything.
160
00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:27,020
- Do you know
you're a fruitcake?
161
00:05:27,070 --> 00:05:27,980
(audience laughs)
162
00:05:28,030 --> 00:05:29,020
- Oh, you're so sweet.
163
00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:31,100
I know I may seem
sort of jumpy now
164
00:05:31,150 --> 00:05:33,160
but you have no
idea what it's like
165
00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:36,110
spending an entire
day in the kitchen!
166
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,990
- Hollering in my
ear that's terrific.
167
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,230
Will you tell me what
this is all about Carol?
168
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,870
Come on I--
- Nothing sweetheart, nothing.
169
00:05:44,070 --> 00:05:46,970
- Honey will you just tell me?
170
00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:49,990
Carol I'm really getting upset!
171
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,190
- Not for the world I love you.
172
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,020
You're my life.
173
00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:54,160
- Now you're suffocating me!
(audience laughs)
174
00:05:54,210 --> 00:05:56,020
(doorbell rings)
175
00:05:56,070 --> 00:05:57,040
- Chrissie get the door!
176
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,970
Probably that person about the
177
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:01,040
problem in the kitchen.
178
00:06:01,090 --> 00:06:02,130
Take them around the back.
179
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:04,960
(audience laughs)
180
00:06:05,010 --> 00:06:06,070
- What problem!?
- The problem in the kitchen,
181
00:06:06,270 --> 00:06:08,050
it's nothing a person--
182
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,050
(audience laughs)
183
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:13,080
(Roger screams)
184
00:06:13,130 --> 00:06:16,070
(audience laughs)
185
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,180
- What person and what problem?
186
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:22,020
- Well if you must
know the sink leaks.
187
00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:24,050
- So what's so secret
about the sink leaking?
188
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,150
- What so secret!
189
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,170
I'll tell you what the secret
about the sink leaking.
190
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:30,990
It may not mean
anything to you but
191
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,150
I wanted to provide
a good home for you.
192
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,090
(audience laughs)
193
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,060
And it may not mean anything
194
00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:39,130
but somehow a leaking sink
195
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,050
makes me feel like I'm
a failure as a woman.
196
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,030
(audience laughs)
197
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,100
- Carol?
- What?
198
00:06:48,150 --> 00:06:50,130
- Everything's all
fixed in the kitchen.
199
00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:52,020
- Good.
200
00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:53,980
- Wait a minute!
201
00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:55,160
Stop it, something's
going on around here
202
00:06:55,210 --> 00:06:56,980
and I'm going to
find out what it is.
203
00:06:57,030 --> 00:06:58,970
- You mean now?
- I mean right now!
204
00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,130
- Surprise!
205
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,220
(audience laughs)
206
00:07:04,270 --> 00:07:07,120
(trumpet music)
207
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:18,160
(trumpet music)
208
00:07:18,210 --> 00:07:20,050
- Aunt Martha are you sure you
209
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,030
can't stay for dinner, please.
210
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,230
- No thank you dear.
211
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,170
To be perfectly honest I never
212
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:27,230
feel quite comfortable
around Harry.
213
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,140
- Yes, I can't that
say I blame you.
214
00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:32,050
I'm becoming a
nervous wreck myself.
215
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,230
- Well you're a
brave girl, Fran.
216
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,050
There aren't many
women who would
217
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,210
marry an invisible man.
218
00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:39,070
- Yes I know.
219
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,090
Sometimes I wonder
what I ever saw in him.
220
00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:44,090
(audience laughs)
221
00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:45,170
(Fran screams)
222
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:47,100
I'm sorry Aunt
Martha, that was you.
223
00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:48,090
You never know.
224
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:49,980
- Well, I was just going to say
225
00:07:50,030 --> 00:07:51,100
looks aren't everything.
226
00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:53,000
- His looks aren't anything.
227
00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:54,090
(audience laughs)
228
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,130
- Are his parents invisible too?
229
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:58,950
- Well his father
is but his mother
230
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,150
is just invisible from here up.
231
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,020
- That must be dreadful.
232
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:04,990
- Not really, it
helps her in her work.
233
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,190
She's a topless waitress.
234
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,060
(audience laughs)
235
00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:09,020
(footsteps)
236
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,220
That sounds like Harry.
237
00:08:10,270 --> 00:08:13,000
- I'll just say hello to
him and then run, huh?
238
00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:14,130
- Do you have to go Aunt Martha?
239
00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:15,080
- Yes dear.
240
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,220
- [Harry] Hi honey.
241
00:08:18,210 --> 00:08:20,030
Oh, Aunt Martha nice to see you.
242
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,160
- Well I wish I
could say the same.
243
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,120
- [Harry] She's a
scream, right baby?
244
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,230
Ha ha ha ha!
(slap)
245
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,050
- Ow Harry, cut it out!
246
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:29,980
- [Harry] Where's
my little kiss?
247
00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:31,070
- Where are your little lips?
248
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,150
(audience laughs)
249
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:34,970
- [Harry] Come here.
250
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:37,090
- Harry stop, harry.
(smacking kiss)
251
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:38,190
Harry stop it let go.
252
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,010
Harry stop it.
(audience laughs)
253
00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:43,100
Cut it out Harry not in
front of Aunt Martha!
254
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:48,060
- Well dear I think I'll
just be running along.
255
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,150
- Goodbye Aunt Martha.
256
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:53,010
- Well, goodbye
and goodbye Harry,
257
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,070
where ever you are.
258
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,050
- [Harry] Gitchy gitchy goo!
259
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,090
(Aunt Martha yelps in surprise)
260
00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:59,090
(audience laughs)
261
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:02,080
- It sure was good to
see Aunt Martha, Harry.
262
00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:03,130
(klunk)
(audience laughs)
263
00:09:03,180 --> 00:09:04,160
- [Harry] Watch
where you're going.
264
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,100
- What good would that do?
265
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:07,170
I'll get your dinner.
266
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:09,090
- [Harry] Nah, I think
I'll skip dinner.
267
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,140
I'm trying to lose some weight.
268
00:09:11,190 --> 00:09:13,980
- Oh, swell.
(audience laughs)
269
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:17,960
- [Harry] I'm tired.
I've got to sit down.
270
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,190
Hey, what do you say we
go to a movie tonight?
271
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,020
- No Harry, that's
not much fun for me.
272
00:09:23,070 --> 00:09:25,140
I don't like to just
sit for three hours
273
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,130
next to a bag of popcorn.
274
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:29,090
Will you move your feet!
275
00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:31,170
- [Harry] That was my
head I was tying my shoes!
276
00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:34,180
- I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
277
00:09:34,230 --> 00:09:36,190
- [Harry] Hey, how about
a little drink-a-roo?
278
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,150
- No Harry, I'm not thirsty.
279
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,080
Harry, Harry, no please.
280
00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:41,990
Please I don't want
a drink, Harry.
281
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,060
Don't you drink either.
282
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:44,230
You know how you get
when you drink, Harry.
283
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,110
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
284
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,070
- Rocking already Harry.
285
00:09:51,130 --> 00:09:52,180
Here we go again.
286
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:54,000
- [Harry] How about
a little music?
287
00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:56,050
- No, leave me alone
Harry, I'm warning you.
288
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,030
- [Harry] Aw come on baby,
289
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,180
let's kick the light fantastic.
290
00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,970
- I don't want to dance Harry.
291
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,180
I don't want to, Harry!
292
00:10:01,230 --> 00:10:03,190
- [Harry] Hand!
293
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,070
(audience laughs)
294
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,110
- Harry!
295
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,120
Harry, I don't want to!
296
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:13,080
Harry I don't want to dance!
297
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,190
(baby crying)
298
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,110
You woke up the baby.
299
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,140
My luck it had to
look like it's father.
300
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,080
(audience laughs)
301
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:36,050
(slurping)
302
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,060
- [Harry] Hey little
fellow was starved.
303
00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:39,010
- Yeah.
304
00:10:40,130 --> 00:10:41,120
(burp)
305
00:10:41,170 --> 00:10:42,080
Good.
(audience laughs)
306
00:10:42,130 --> 00:10:43,010
- [Harry] That was me.
307
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,130
What was that?
308
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,030
- I'll get it.
309
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,040
- [Delivery Person]
Warwick drugs.
310
00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:50,020
- Oh gee thanks.
311
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:51,100
- [Harry] Hey what is that?
312
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,990
- It's a formula
the druggist has
313
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,030
been working on to
make the baby visible.
314
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,090
I'm going to try it.
315
00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:58,020
- [Harry] Wait, you can't
experiment on the baby.
316
00:10:58,070 --> 00:10:59,190
Let me try it first
and if it works
317
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,080
on me then we can
give it to the baby.
318
00:11:01,130 --> 00:11:02,020
- Okay.
319
00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:07,060
Harry, you're going to
walk right into the wall.
320
00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:09,010
(audience laughs)
321
00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,170
- [Harry] Hey it works!
322
00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:11,990
It's amazing it works!
323
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,140
Give it to the baby!
324
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,020
(audience laughs)
325
00:11:31,030 --> 00:11:32,970
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
326
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,000
Tonight as a service we
present to our viewers
327
00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:38,080
another in our illustrious
series of documentaries.
328
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,970
In order to bring you
this special program
329
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:41,140
we have preempted
the action packed
330
00:11:41,190 --> 00:11:43,140
western Frontier Hairdressers.
331
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:47,970
And a rollicking situation
comedy Occasional Flop.
332
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,010
Tonight's documentary
is entitled,
333
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,150
The Wonderful World of Prisons.
334
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,100
(audience laughs)
335
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:04,210
- Gosh isn't he beautiful.
336
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,190
Good evening.
337
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,120
This is Walter Crankcase.
338
00:12:08,170 --> 00:12:10,020
(audience laughs)
339
00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:11,970
I am talking to you
from the warden's office
340
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,160
here at Levinworst Prison.
341
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,130
Within these stone
walls lives some of
342
00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:18,120
the most hostile,
hardened, violent
343
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:21,230
members of our society,
the prison guards.
344
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,130
(audience laughs)
345
00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:25,130
This fine looking gentleman here
346
00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:27,060
is Warden Lewis Hack.
347
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,160
Warden.
348
00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:30,130
Hello Warden.
349
00:12:30,180 --> 00:12:31,230
- How are you?
350
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,010
- [Walter] Very well sir, how are you?
- Just fine.
351
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,030
- I'd like to ask you
a series of questions.
352
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,020
- Goodie.
353
00:12:36,070 --> 00:12:37,200
(audience laughs)
354
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:39,000
- First of all,
355
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,090
how long have you
been at this prison?
356
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:41,130
- Let's see now,
357
00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:43,120
I've been here
for over 25 years.
358
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:45,100
I started at the bottom,
worked my way up.
359
00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:46,140
I was a prisoner.
360
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:49,100
(audience laughs)
361
00:12:49,150 --> 00:12:51,060
- [Walter] That's really
working yourself up.
362
00:12:51,110 --> 00:12:52,130
I've noticed that the prison--
363
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:53,190
- I was in the library
for six months (laughs).
364
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,180
(audience laughs)
365
00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:55,190
- [Walter] Is that right?
366
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,970
- Go ahead.
367
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:58,150
- [Walter] I've noticed that the
368
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,980
prisoners seem to be
rather well behaved here.
369
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,120
- Well we try to use
a little psychology
370
00:13:03,170 --> 00:13:06,100
and understand along with
the constant beatings.
371
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:09,960
(audience laughs)
372
00:13:10,010 --> 00:13:11,150
- [Walter] I've
often wondered sir,
373
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,150
can you simply look at a man and
374
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,100
tell if he's a criminal type?
375
00:13:15,150 --> 00:13:18,050
- Certainly, it always
for the most part
376
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:21,050
shows in the eyes
and in the hands.
377
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,090
And that is if you
know what to look for.
378
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:24,210
- [Walter] Well what
do you look for?
379
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:27,100
- Well, you look for
a mask over the eyes.
380
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,190
(audience laughs)
381
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,070
And a gun in the hand.
(audience laughs)
382
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,180
- [Walter] Sir, this
may seem a little
383
00:13:38,230 --> 00:13:41,040
delicate but many
people have accused
384
00:13:41,090 --> 00:13:42,190
you of being cold blooded.
385
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,090
- Don't you ever say that.
386
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,180
You understand?
387
00:13:46,230 --> 00:13:50,060
Why these boys in this
prison love me, clown.
388
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,130
(audience laughs)
389
00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:53,020
I'm like a father to these boys.
390
00:13:53,070 --> 00:13:55,150
As a matter of fact I am
a father to one of them.
391
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,080
(audience laughs)
392
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,020
I've got a kid in here.
393
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:01,070
- [Walter] You have?
394
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,090
- Yes I do.
395
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,100
- [Walter] What was
he convicted of?
396
00:14:03,150 --> 00:14:06,030
- Arson, he burned down a house.
397
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,010
Seems that his draft
card got a little
398
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,230
out of line there that was it.
399
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,010
(audience laughs)
400
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,150
- [Walter] I see, well
Warden I've also heard
401
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,220
complaints that the men here
don't get enough exercise.
402
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:18,040
- Why that's the
most ridiculous,
403
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:21,080
almost said something else,
(audience laughs)
404
00:14:21,130 --> 00:14:23,000
statement I ever heard.
405
00:14:23,050 --> 00:14:24,220
Look at the boys out
there through the bars
406
00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:26,130
playing in the yard
just running around out
407
00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:28,000
there exercising, look
at them out there.
408
00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:29,120
- [Walter] I see
them, yes but I also
409
00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:31,050
see some police
dogs chasing them.
410
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,030
- What?
411
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,960
- Police dogs,
they're chasing those
412
00:14:34,010 --> 00:14:35,080
poor prisoners around.
413
00:14:35,130 --> 00:14:36,220
- That's right we
exercise the dogs
414
00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:38,010
and the men at the same time.
415
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:39,100
(audience laughs)
416
00:14:39,150 --> 00:14:41,050
Works out just fine.
417
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,150
- Isn't that a little
rough on the old prisoners?
418
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,040
- We don't have
any old prisoners.
419
00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:47,120
(audience laughs)
420
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:49,020
- Thank you Warden Lewis Hack.
421
00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:51,100
(applause)
422
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,970
It is not only the prisoners who
423
00:14:58,020 --> 00:14:59,160
suffer by their imprisonment but
424
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:01,060
also those who love them.
425
00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:03,960
There is perhaps no
sadder slice of life
426
00:15:04,010 --> 00:15:06,140
than a prison on visiting day.
427
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:09,060
- [Wife] Oh my darling I
can't take it any longer!
428
00:15:09,110 --> 00:15:11,230
I want to be strong but
I can't help myself,
429
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,210
I'm only a woman and I
can't go on like this
430
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:16,190
week after week
just looking at you
431
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,100
and not being able to touch you!
432
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:22,030
My entire body is
crying out to hold
433
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,000
you in my arms and to kiss you!
434
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:26,200
Sitting across this
table so near yet so
435
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:30,010
far away I can't control
myself any longer!
436
00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:31,090
- Just one more minute.
437
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:32,230
- [Wife] I don't care
what they do to me!
438
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:37,210
I have to hold you in
my arms and kiss you!
439
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:43,150
(audience laughs and applauds)
440
00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:53,170
- Ladies and gentlemen
I see another
441
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:57,060
visitor waiting
quietly, let's talk.
442
00:15:57,110 --> 00:16:00,030
(audience laughs)
443
00:16:00,230 --> 00:16:01,220
Pardon me madam.
444
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,090
- Yes.
445
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:05,140
- [Walter] May I
ask you your name?
446
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,020
- I'm Maudie Frecker.
447
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:09,130
(applause)
448
00:16:13,210 --> 00:16:14,170
- [Walter] Are you all right?
449
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:15,110
- Oh, gas.
450
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,070
Passed by my lung and touched
451
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,200
my heart and ricocheted.
452
00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:23,150
(audience laughs)
453
00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:25,990
Go ahead.
454
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,060
- Maudie I must say
it's a pleasure to
455
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,230
meet you I've heard all
about you of course.
456
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,100
I hear that you come
here every visitors day,
457
00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,140
you never miss rain or shine.
458
00:16:33,190 --> 00:16:35,090
- That's true, very true.
459
00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:38,120
I come here to
cheer the boys up.
460
00:16:38,170 --> 00:16:41,070
I tell them not to
look at this place
461
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,150
as a prison but as a
school and that they're
462
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:48,050
naughty boys and have
to be kept after school.
463
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,100
Isn't that sweet?
464
00:16:49,150 --> 00:16:52,030
(audience laughs)
- Very.
465
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,040
- Very sweet, I'm very touched.
466
00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:55,080
- Well it beats
telling them they
467
00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:56,150
got to go to the chair.
468
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,980
(audience laughs)
469
00:16:58,030 --> 00:17:00,080
Some of them have
to stay after school
470
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,060
you know 40 or 50 years.
471
00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:03,160
- [Walter] Oh really?
472
00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:05,020
- And I tell them to go
to the principle's office.
473
00:17:05,070 --> 00:17:06,140
- I see, well its--
474
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:07,210
- We blew that didn't we?
475
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,150
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
476
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,130
- [Maudie] Should we go back?
477
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:12,140
- I don't think so let's go on.
478
00:17:12,190 --> 00:17:13,150
- They can edit.
479
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,000
- I'm sure they can.
480
00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:17,010
(audience laughs)
481
00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:19,980
Maudie I must say you
are a charming woman
482
00:17:20,030 --> 00:17:21,210
and you have a
marvelous charming way
483
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:24,020
of cheering these boys
up, it's wonderful.
484
00:17:24,070 --> 00:17:27,210
- Well you know, if it
weren't for that screen,
485
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:29,110
I'd really cheer them up.
486
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,110
Some of those boys
haven't kissed
487
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,130
a woman in maybe 50 years.
488
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,190
That'd be wild though,
489
00:17:37,020 --> 00:17:39,130
to get with them
and lay one on them.
490
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,140
(audience laughs)
491
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,040
- My goodness.
492
00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:43,100
- These are all my own.
493
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:44,090
(audience laughs)
494
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,130
No, I'm just kidding,
495
00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:47,110
that's my dog's tooth there.
496
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,130
(audience laughs)
497
00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:51,180
Little feisty creature.
498
00:17:53,050 --> 00:17:54,160
Bit the baby twice.
499
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:56,070
(audience laughs)
500
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,060
Let's hear it for the baby.
501
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,120
Aww.
502
00:17:58,170 --> 00:17:59,110
(audience laughs)
503
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,220
- Maudie tell me is there anyone
504
00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:02,090
special that you
come here to see?
505
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:06,120
- Yes, yes I come here
to see my son Lenny.
506
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:09,070
And I always say, "Hi Lenny."
507
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,030
And he always says, "Hi Dad."
508
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,970
Lenny's weird, he's off.
(audience laughs)
509
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:17,210
- Were there any
indications when Lenny
510
00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:20,010
was young that he
might turn to crime?
511
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:21,220
- No, on the contrary.
512
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,170
Lenny was a good boy.
513
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:25,000
He was an Eagle Scout,
514
00:18:25,050 --> 00:18:27,110
he sung in the church choir,
515
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,080
he attended school regularly.
516
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:33,200
You know, the kid just
didn't stand a chance.
517
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,010
(audience laughs)
518
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:38,180
- Well, usually.
(audience laughs)
519
00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:42,020
- Pretty suit.
- Thank you.
520
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,950
- That yours?
- Oh yes.
521
00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:49,190
- This is my Dad's dress.
522
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,140
(audience laughs)
523
00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,040
Go ahead, all right.
524
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,100
- I was going to ask you
what your mother wore
525
00:18:56,150 --> 00:18:57,180
but I guess I have a better.
526
00:18:57,230 --> 00:18:59,050
- She's a legionnaire.
527
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,050
- Oh is she?
528
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,160
Usually a boy.
(audience laughs)
529
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,060
Maudie get back what
we were talking about.
530
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:05,200
- [Maudie] Yes, of course.
531
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:08,000
I'm 86 sonny, I'm
a little out of it.
532
00:19:08,050 --> 00:19:11,020
Be nice to me or
I'll cold cock you!
533
00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:13,190
(audience laughs)
534
00:19:14,210 --> 00:19:16,180
Go ahead and ask me, I'm sorry.
535
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:20,800
It's a farm expression.
536
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,100
- Yes.
537
00:19:22,150 --> 00:19:23,170
I hope so.
538
00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:26,220
To get back to what
you were saying,
539
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:28,160
I think you were suggesting that
540
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:30,120
he had the good
part of his youth,
541
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,160
that nothing happened to him but
542
00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,170
I think it's just
the other way around.
543
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:33,210
That that's the exception.
544
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,130
Usually a boy turns
to crime because
545
00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,990
he gets in with bad company.
546
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,200
- Well I guess
that's what sort of
547
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:40,000
happened to Lenny,
548
00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:42,230
he started running
around with Arnold.
549
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,220
Arnold was an older boy,
550
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,190
taught him to do
terrible things.
551
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:50,140
- He was one of those
neighborhood kids, was he?
552
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:53,090
- No, Arnold was Lenny's father.
553
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:54,970
(audience laughs)
554
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,190
Took him to a
movie one night and
555
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,090
that's what started the crime.
556
00:19:58,140 --> 00:19:59,160
- Oh, was the movie
one of those with a lot
557
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:01,210
of violence in it
like Bonnie and Clyde?
558
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:04,160
- No honey it was Mary Poppins.
559
00:20:05,230 --> 00:20:07,120
- Mary Poppins, how
could that start
560
00:20:07,170 --> 00:20:08,120
him in crime?
561
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:10,100
- He held up the box office.
562
00:20:10,150 --> 00:20:12,110
(audience laughs)
563
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,140
- Thank you Maudie
Frecker and goodnight
564
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:16,040
from Levinworst Prison.
565
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:18,110
(applause)
566
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:36,000
? I'm so glad we had
this time together ?
567
00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:41,990
? Just to have a
laugh or sing a song ?
568
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,130
? Seems we just get started ?
569
00:20:44,180 --> 00:20:48,030
? And before you know it ?
570
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,160
? Comes the time
we have to say ?
571
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,040
? So long ?
572
00:20:55,090 --> 00:20:56,070
- Goodnight.
573
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,060
(Carol Burnett
theme music plays)
574
00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:31,150
- [Announcer] The
part of Aunt Martha
575
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,080
was played by Barbara Morrison.
576
00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:38,150
(applause)
39616
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