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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,140
(jazzy trumpet)
2
00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:26,050
- When the technical crew
of a television network
3
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,080
goes on strike, things are bad.
4
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,200
But, when the executives
of that network
5
00:00:31,250 --> 00:00:34,090
have to take the jobs that
the technical crew had,
6
00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:38,090
things may be a lot worse,
as demonstrated now,
7
00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:41,200
as the Donny Bishop
show goes on the air.
8
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:43,130
I'm Regis McMann,
9
00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:49,020
and here's Donny.
10
00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:51,120
(audience claps)
11
00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:01,180
(Regis continues to
clap without audience)
12
00:01:01,230 --> 00:01:02,230
(audience laughs)
13
00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:06,100
- Thank you very much, Regis,
I can't tell you what a--
14
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,050
(microphone feedback buzzing)
15
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:11,000
I can't tell you what a
feeling of confidence a man has
16
00:01:11,050 --> 00:01:14,110
working here knowing that the
head of your television crew
17
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,150
is General Sarnoff.
18
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:19,230
(audience laughs)
19
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,140
Make that Colonel Sarnoff.
20
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,210
Actually the crew
isn't out on strike,
21
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:29,210
they're out sick because
they ate in the commissary.
22
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:30,190
(rimshot)
23
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,040
(audience laughs)
24
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:35,000
- That's funny!
25
00:01:35,050 --> 00:01:37,190
(audience laughs)
26
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:40,110
- Actually, nothing is
normal here tonight,
27
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,100
even the band showed up sober.
28
00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:44,130
(rimshot)
29
00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:47,140
(wacky trumpet)
30
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,090
(audience laughs)
31
00:01:53,060 --> 00:01:54,110
I must read you a
marvelous little item
32
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,970
that I saw in the paper today.
33
00:01:56,020 --> 00:01:57,170
(Regis continues laughing)
34
00:01:57,220 --> 00:01:59,970
(audience laughs)
35
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,180
I'm sorry, I forgot, but the
prop department is on strike.
36
00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:03,230
Oh, that reminds me,
37
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,010
I do have something
that I wanna tell you.
38
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:09,090
(audience laughs)
39
00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:11,170
That reminds me that
the wardrobe department
40
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:12,160
is also on strike.
41
00:02:12,210 --> 00:02:13,170
(audience laughs)
42
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,230
Yes, well, let's get
down to our first guest.
43
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,080
Uh, cameraman, could we wait
for the introduction, please?
44
00:02:20,130 --> 00:02:21,170
Thank you, sir.
45
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,960
(audience laughs)
46
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,120
Now, our first guest is
a beautiful new starlet
47
00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:28,160
from Paramour Studios
making her screen debut
48
00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:32,000
in Paramour's new picture
Marriage Jewel Style.
49
00:02:33,150 --> 00:02:36,100
(audience laughs)
50
00:02:37,210 --> 00:02:40,180
Let's give her a nice
hand, Miss Candy St. Sweet.
51
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,190
(audience claps)
52
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,130
(audience laughs)
53
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,170
Well, how are you, Candy?
54
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:10,030
- (squealing) Oh, I'm
just fine, Donny, fine!
55
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,110
Do you like my dress?
56
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,060
(audience laughs)
57
00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:19,130
- We're sorry about
that, Candy, but you see,
58
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:21,180
our regular crew is on
strike and the fellow
59
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:24,080
on that microphone is one of
our new network executives.
60
00:03:24,130 --> 00:03:26,170
As a matter of fact,
he's the Vice President
61
00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,990
in charge of
discovering new talent.
62
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,140
- (squealing) Oh, is that right?
63
00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:32,010
You mean that man
on the microphone
64
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:35,140
and all these fellas here on
the camera are executives?
65
00:03:35,190 --> 00:03:39,060
Well, there's no
loved it, I loved it.
66
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,150
(giggling)
67
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,030
- Well that is quite a dress
you've got on there, Candy.
68
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,230
- Oh, yes, and see it has
these cute little pantaloons.
69
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,020
(laughing)
70
00:03:50,070 --> 00:03:52,220
(audience laughs)
71
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,070
- Will you shut up?
72
00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:04,000
Yes, well, how are you, Candy?
73
00:04:04,050 --> 00:04:06,090
- Oh, I'm just super peachy!
74
00:04:06,140 --> 00:04:08,050
(giggling)
75
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:09,970
Watch it!
76
00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:10,800
(audience laughs)
77
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,220
I have a joke for you, Donny!
78
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:13,970
- Oh, good.
79
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,170
- Knock, knock!
80
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,080
- Who's there?
81
00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:18,150
- Arch.
82
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,180
- Arch who?
83
00:04:19,230 --> 00:04:20,190
- Gesundheit!
84
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,160
(laughing)
85
00:04:21,210 --> 00:04:24,110
(audience laughs)
86
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,180
- Well, that certainly
is a beautiful necklace.
87
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:36,130
(audience laughs)
88
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:52,140
Well, that certainly
is a beautiful necklace
89
00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:53,230
that you have on there, Candy.
90
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,040
- You noticed that?
91
00:04:55,090 --> 00:04:57,000
Well, I wear this in my movie,
92
00:04:57,050 --> 00:04:59,040
Marriage (sound warping) Style,
93
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,990
(audience laughs)
94
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,060
and, not too many
people know this,
95
00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:03,200
but it's a very
interesting story.
96
00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:05,210
You see, I make all my
own necklaces and jewelry.
97
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,170
Could the cute little
executive cameraman
98
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:09,110
get a close up of it?
99
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,060
- [Donny] Could we get a
closup of the necklace,
100
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:13,000
please, Dr. Rafferty?
101
00:05:13,050 --> 00:05:14,170
(screaming)
102
00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:17,110
(audience laughs)
103
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,220
- [Donny] You all right, Candy?
104
00:05:19,270 --> 00:05:21,020
- Oh, yes, I'm just
fine, Donny, how are you?
105
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:22,020
- Swell, swell.
106
00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:23,140
Well, I'm gonna have
to sell something now,
107
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,010
would you like to get
ready for your song?
108
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,220
- Oh, the one I
do in my picture?
109
00:05:26,270 --> 00:05:29,010
Do you want me to do
it here, or over there?
110
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,220
Well, I can, I, I'll
do it over there.
111
00:05:31,270 --> 00:05:34,170
(audience laughs)
112
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,010
- Well, let's see,
what am I selling?
113
00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:45,990
Is it the vitamin pills
or the steam iron?
114
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,030
Oh, the vitamin pills, good.
115
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,200
Folks, if you're
feeling run down...
116
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,120
(audience laughs)
117
00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:00,070
We'll do the commercial later.
118
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,180
And now, for the voice
of Candy St. Sweet.
119
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,020
(audience claps)
120
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,120
(jazzy music)
121
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,080
? I'm just ?
122
00:06:11,130 --> 00:06:14,080
(audience laughs)
123
00:06:14,130 --> 00:06:17,140
? Sailing away, sailing ?
124
00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:20,070
(audience laughs)
125
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,080
? Like the birds that sing ?
126
00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:25,100
(audience laughs)
127
00:06:27,090 --> 00:06:28,090
- Wasn't she marvelous, folks?
128
00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:29,030
Wasn't she marvelous?
129
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,050
Let's hear it out there!
130
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,080
(audience laughs)
131
00:06:31,130 --> 00:06:34,030
(audience claps)
132
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,180
Let's hear it out
there for Candy!
133
00:06:35,230 --> 00:06:37,100
(laughing)
134
00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:40,100
(audience laughs)
135
00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,130
(jazzy trumpet)
136
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,190
(whimsical music)
137
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,040
- Oh, hi.
138
00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,070
- Oh, hi.
139
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,030
Say, do you have the right time?
140
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,070
- Yeah, it's uh, five
minutes to three.
141
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,000
- Oh, good, I made it,
I thought I'd never
142
00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:10,220
get out of that checkout line.
143
00:07:10,270 --> 00:07:12,170
- You pickin' up your kid too?
144
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:14,140
- I have to, my wife's asleep.
145
00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:16,010
(audience laughs)
146
00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:17,140
- At three in the afternoon?
147
00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:18,160
- That's right.
148
00:07:18,210 --> 00:07:20,010
The day after we
got married I think
149
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:22,010
she was bitten by a tse-tse fly.
150
00:07:22,060 --> 00:07:23,080
(audience laughs)
151
00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:26,020
She wakes up every three
hours to spend money.
152
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,020
(audience laughs)
153
00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:28,080
- Big shopper, eh?
154
00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:30,020
- Are you kidding,
she's a champion.
155
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:32,200
She's got a charge plate
tattooed on her hand.
156
00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:34,000
(audience laughs)
157
00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:35,040
- Yeah, my wife's
a big shopper too.
158
00:07:35,090 --> 00:07:36,090
You know the week
she had the flu,
159
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:39,030
Neiman-Marcus came
over with chicken soup.
160
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,020
(audience laughs)
161
00:07:41,070 --> 00:07:42,160
- No kidding.
162
00:07:42,210 --> 00:07:43,960
- Yeah.
163
00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:46,190
(audience laughs)
164
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:49,220
- Well, they should
be out any minute.
165
00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:51,030
How many kids do you have?
166
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,220
- Uh, three, not counting
my wife, how about you?
167
00:07:54,270 --> 00:07:56,960
- I've got four
kids, like a TV show.
168
00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,000
- Yeah, which one?
- Accidental family.
169
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,160
(audience laughs)
170
00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:02,960
My oldest boy takes after me.
171
00:08:03,010 --> 00:08:03,980
Know what he wants to
be when he grows up?
172
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:05,990
- What?
- A bachelor.
173
00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:08,090
Kids can really get on
your nerves, can't they?
174
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:09,130
- Ah, it's not too bad.
175
00:08:09,180 --> 00:08:11,090
My kids come home from
school at three o'clock,
176
00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:12,110
then they go to camp.
177
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,980
On Saturdays, they
go to the Boy Scouts.
178
00:08:14,030 --> 00:08:15,100
- Hmm, what about Sundays?
179
00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:16,190
- Oh, I took care of that,
180
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,080
they go to church
from nine to five.
181
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:20,050
(audience laughs)
182
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,030
- Church from nine to five?
183
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,070
That's a little unusual.
184
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,090
- You're not kidding,
we're Jewish.
185
00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:27,110
(audience laughs)
186
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,230
Oh, no, my kids are really
spoiled, take my 10 year old.
187
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,070
He's so fresh
since he got a job.
188
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,170
- What kind of a job?
189
00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:38,990
- I give him $5.00 a day
to take out the garbage.
190
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,030
- Oh, that reminds me, I've
got a roast in the oven.
191
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,060
(audience laughs)
192
00:08:44,110 --> 00:08:45,220
- Hey, I think they're
about ready to come out now.
193
00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:48,010
I see my boy!
194
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,090
- Which one is he?
195
00:08:49,140 --> 00:08:51,050
- The one dragging the
little girl by the ankle.
196
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,090
- Ah, well, she'll get even,
wait'll they're married.
197
00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:54,190
- Yeah, hey, well, I'm off.
198
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,000
Let's have lunch someday.
199
00:08:56,050 --> 00:08:58,020
- Okay, I'll ask my
wife for a day off.
200
00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,190
- Listen, why don't you
assert yourself, tell her off?
201
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:04,090
- Well, I would but I can't
stand the hysterical crying.
202
00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:05,980
My eyes get all red.
203
00:09:06,030 --> 00:09:07,130
(audience laughs)
204
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,070
- Hey, what kind
of work do you do?
205
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,080
- I'm a marriage counselor.
206
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,960
(audience laughs)
207
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,130
(jazzy trumpet)
208
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:17,130
(audience claps)
209
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,040
- Oh, bless you!
210
00:09:30,090 --> 00:09:32,040
- Oh, thank you, oh, this
cold is making me miserable.
211
00:09:32,090 --> 00:09:33,190
- It'll get better, sweetheart.
212
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,990
- I hope so.
213
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,150
Aren't you having some tea?
214
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,170
- No, I think I'll try this
new cool drink, Fressa.
215
00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:48,000
(audience laughs)
216
00:09:48,050 --> 00:09:50,200
(jazzy trumpet)
217
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:58,020
(romantic music)
218
00:10:02,190 --> 00:10:03,090
- Hi, Claire.
219
00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:04,160
Frank home yet?
220
00:10:04,210 --> 00:10:06,200
- Hi, June, no he'll
be in soon, come on in!
221
00:10:06,250 --> 00:10:08,040
- Joe and I thought
you'd like to
222
00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:09,170
play bridge with us tonight.
223
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:12,230
- Oh, gee, that sounds
nice, I'd love to.
224
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,070
I'm bushed today,
I've had shopping.
225
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,070
Hey, you want a laugh?
226
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,160
I lost my purse.
227
00:10:17,210 --> 00:10:18,150
- Oh, no!
228
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,130
- Yeah.
229
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,020
- [June] Did you
have any money in it?
230
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:22,080
- Oh, two or three dollars
and some old papers.
231
00:10:22,130 --> 00:10:23,110
- [June] Were they valuable?
232
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,200
- No, I don't think
so, just some old stuff
233
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:26,090
we had in our safe deposit box.
234
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:28,070
Frank asked me to
stop by at the bank
235
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,180
and pick 'em up for him tonight.
236
00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:31,960
I guess he wants
to throw 'em away.
237
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:33,120
- Lucky it was
nothing important.
238
00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:34,130
- Yeah.
239
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,100
- Hi, dear!
240
00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:36,110
- Hi, darling!
241
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,060
- Oh, hello, June.
242
00:10:37,110 --> 00:10:38,160
- Hi, Frank.
243
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,140
- Oh, honey, the kids want us
to come over to their house
244
00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:40,210
tonight and play bridge.
245
00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:42,080
- Oh, I can't, I've
gotta work tonight.
246
00:10:42,130 --> 00:10:45,120
The government is investigating
my 1964 tax return.
247
00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:46,990
They say I deducted too much.
248
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,230
They want me to pay $2,000.
249
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,140
- [Claire] $2,000, Frank!
250
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:54,100
- Don't worry, don't
worry, I have proof
251
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:57,050
that every deduction I made
was absolutely legitimate.
252
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:58,220
I have every canceled check,
253
00:10:58,270 --> 00:11:00,190
every receipt,
charitable contribution,
254
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,140
I have all my
entertainment expenses,
255
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:05,040
travel vouchers, medical
bills and business statements
256
00:11:05,090 --> 00:11:06,180
for the entire year.
257
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,980
Those were the
papers I asked you
258
00:11:08,030 --> 00:11:09,190
to pick up from the
bank today, dear.
259
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,020
(audience laughs)
260
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,040
All we have to do is
to take those papers
261
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:15,120
and show them to the tax man
262
00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:18,080
and I won't have
to pay the $2,000.
263
00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:19,990
Well I'm gonna wash up.
264
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,120
I wanna get to work on those
papers right after dinner.
265
00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:30,040
Dear, did you put a green
bulb in there today?
266
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,020
It's a very depressing color.
267
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,010
And that'll be enough vinegar.
268
00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,010
(audience laughs)
269
00:11:37,060 --> 00:11:38,130
- Oh, June, what
am I going to do?
270
00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:40,170
I can't tell him I
lost those papers!
271
00:11:40,220 --> 00:11:43,160
You know his temper, how
wild he gets when he's mad!
272
00:11:43,210 --> 00:11:45,020
- [June] I'll see
you later, dear.
273
00:11:45,070 --> 00:11:46,170
- Oh, no, June,
please don't leave me,
274
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,000
maybe he'll be
too shy to kill me
275
00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:49,070
in front of the neighbors.
276
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,160
(audience laughs)
277
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,090
- Oh, June you're my best
friend, you've gotta help me!
278
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:54,220
- [June] What can I do?
279
00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:57,090
- Slit my wrists, I'm too
chicken to do it myself!
280
00:11:57,140 --> 00:11:58,070
(audience laughs)
281
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,040
- Don't be ridiculous.
282
00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:00,080
- June, please!
283
00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:01,190
- Good luck, I'll
call you later.
284
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:02,990
- June!
285
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,050
I'll never lend
you any more sugar.
286
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,100
(audience laughs)
287
00:12:06,150 --> 00:12:08,130
- Okay, dear, let's
get those papers,
288
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,100
I wanna get to work on
'em right after dinner.
289
00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,180
- Uh, sweetheart, dinner
isn't nearly ready yet,
290
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:14,180
why don'tcha go in
and take a little nap.
291
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,140
- Oh, no, I couldn't
possibly sleep,
292
00:12:16,190 --> 00:12:18,070
not with $2,000 on my mind!
293
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,090
- Well, uh, uh, why don't
you watch television
294
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:23,010
or read a magazine.
295
00:12:23,060 --> 00:12:26,010
I know, why don'tcha go for
a walk, take in a movie!
296
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:27,180
You're overworked, sweetheart.
297
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:31,050
Why don't you drop in and
see your brother for a while?
298
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,190
- My brother lives in Wisconsin.
299
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,060
(audience laughs)
300
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:37,200
- The trip'll do you good, a
few months away from the house
301
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:38,990
and you'll be as good as new,
302
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,190
and when you get back,
I'll have dinner ready.
303
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,090
- All right, Claire, all
right, I know your tricks,
304
00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:44,170
something happened today.
305
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:45,180
- What do you mean,
what do you mean?
306
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:46,220
- What do I mean?
307
00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:48,230
I'll tell you
exactly what I mean.
308
00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:50,980
I'm about to ask
you three questions.
309
00:12:51,030 --> 00:12:52,120
The answer to any one of which
310
00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:54,210
may disqualify us from
further life together.
311
00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:56,040
(audience laughs)
312
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:58,990
Your first category is dresses.
313
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,150
Did you buy a new dress today?
314
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,170
- No.
315
00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:06,150
- Okay, your next
category, famous battles.
316
00:13:07,210 --> 00:13:08,230
Did you speak to
my mother today?
317
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,070
- No.
318
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,100
- All righty.
319
00:13:11,150 --> 00:13:14,210
Your last category is banks!
320
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,160
- Ugh!
321
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:16,150
- Oh, no.
322
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,230
Oh, no.
323
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,010
Don't tell me you
lost my papers.
324
00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:20,070
- I lost your papers.
325
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,110
- I asked you not
to tell me that!
326
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,080
(audience laughs)
327
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:27,100
- Oh, Frank, you
gotta listen to me!
328
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,210
- All right, take
it easy, calm down,
329
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,120
come over here and sit down.
330
00:13:30,170 --> 00:13:31,210
- Now tell me all about it,
331
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:33,080
tell me everything
that happened.
332
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:35,200
- (speaking gibberish)
333
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:38,030
(audience laughs)
334
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,110
- You went to the bank.
335
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,980
(audience laughs)
336
00:13:41,030 --> 00:13:43,060
- (speaking gibberish)
337
00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:44,220
- You took the papers
out of the vault.
338
00:13:44,270 --> 00:13:45,980
- (speaking gibberish)
339
00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:47,200
- You put them in your purse.
340
00:13:47,250 --> 00:13:49,130
- (speaking gibberish
in a high, panicky tone)
341
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,210
- And then you went shopping.
342
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,090
- (speaking gibberish)
343
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,000
- Then you got on the
bus and you went home.
344
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,150
- (speaking gibberish
and sobbing)
345
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,200
- When you got home you found
346
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:58,040
that you had misplaced your bus.
347
00:13:58,090 --> 00:13:59,120
- (speaking gibberish)
348
00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:01,970
- Oh, you had
misplaced your purse.
349
00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,020
Your purse with all my
important papers in it!
350
00:14:05,070 --> 00:14:07,040
Claire, how could
you be so careless?
351
00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:08,990
The whole year of 1964 gone!
352
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,090
If we don't find that purse,
353
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,210
we have no proof that
we even lived in 1964!
354
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:14,050
- Of course we can prove it,
355
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,200
that was the year
we got married!
356
00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:19,170
- Did you lose our
marriage certificate too?
357
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:21,140
- No, I left that in the vault.
358
00:14:21,190 --> 00:14:23,100
- Of course you did you dummy.
359
00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:25,080
(audience laughs)
360
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:26,200
A whole year's records gone,
361
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,200
it's like the year
never even happened!
362
00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:30,140
- Frank, you're
getting hysterical!
363
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:33,080
I'm sorry, I didn't know the
papers were that important!
364
00:14:33,130 --> 00:14:34,110
- Did you look everywhere?
365
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,140
Did you look in your pocket?
366
00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:36,220
- Well the papers
were in my purse,
367
00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:38,050
I didn't put 'em in my pocket
368
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,100
because I was afraid
I'd lose 'em that way.
369
00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:41,180
- Look in your pocket.
370
00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:44,020
- Frank this is the only
pocket in this dress
371
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:46,090
and the papers aren't in there.
372
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:47,060
- Look anyway!
373
00:14:47,110 --> 00:14:48,030
- All right!
374
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,060
See, they're not in there!
375
00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:51,020
- Look again!
376
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:52,160
- Oh, Frank, please!
377
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:53,170
(audience laughs)
378
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:54,990
- Well I don't
understand why you didn't
379
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,000
put 'em in your pocket
in the first place!
380
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:57,020
- Well, what's the difference!
381
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:58,050
- What's the difference?
382
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,170
I'll tell you what
the difference is.
383
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:01,130
Every day I hear about
purses being lost,
384
00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:04,080
but have you ever heard
about a pocket being lost?
385
00:15:04,130 --> 00:15:06,100
Call up the police
force and ask them,
386
00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:09,210
in their whole history if
they've ever had someone call up
387
00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:11,190
and reporting a missing pocket.
388
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,150
(audience laughs)
389
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,010
What did the police say
when you called them?
390
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:18,100
- I didn't call the police!
391
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,000
- You didn't call the police!
392
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,070
- I didn't think we had--
393
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,160
- Claire, how could
you be so careless!
394
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:24,230
- It's just a bunch
of old papers,
395
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,230
you didn't tell me they
were that important!
396
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,180
- Hello, police?
397
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,020
Give me the lost and found.
398
00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:31,140
What am I gonna
tell that tax man
399
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:32,170
when he comes here tomorrow?
400
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:33,220
He'll wanna see every
one of those papers!
401
00:15:33,270 --> 00:15:34,130
(sobbing)
402
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:35,140
Hello, lost and found?
403
00:15:35,190 --> 00:15:36,980
I'd like to report a loss.
404
00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:39,990
My wife lost her purse
with the year 1964 in it.
405
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:40,800
The whole year.
406
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,030
(audience laughs)
407
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,130
Well, how do I know
what it looks like?
408
00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:44,230
It's an ordinary year!
409
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,000
Starts in January
and ends in December.
410
00:15:47,050 --> 00:15:48,160
(audience laughs)
411
00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:49,100
Huh?
412
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:50,050
Oh, wait a minute.
413
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,090
Where did you lose it?
414
00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:52,080
- Downtown.
415
00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:53,100
- Downtown.
416
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,960
Well, how do I know
where downtown?
417
00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:57,220
This is a big city,
there are lots of places
418
00:15:57,270 --> 00:16:00,110
to look downtown, if you
really wanna find a lost purse.
419
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,060
Huh?
420
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,200
Oh, was it a small blue suede?
421
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,180
- (speaking gibberish
and sobbing)
422
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:06,150
- No.
423
00:16:07,230 --> 00:16:08,230
- Was it a big straw carry all?
424
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,190
- (speaking gibberish
and sobbing)
425
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,020
- Was it a black, alligator
over the shoulder bag?
426
00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:15,140
- (speaking gibberish
and sobbing)
427
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,100
- Definitely not that.
428
00:16:16,150 --> 00:16:17,150
(audience laughs)
429
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,090
Yeah, all right,
thank you, I will.
430
00:16:19,140 --> 00:16:20,150
Wise guy.
431
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,150
- What'd he say?
432
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,160
- He said to call back tomorrow,
433
00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:24,000
he'll have a bigger selection.
434
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,110
(audience laughs)
435
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,060
That's what we need on the
police force is funny cops.
436
00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:30,030
Did you look everywhere,
did you look in your pocket?
437
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,980
- Yes!
438
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:32,990
- Then look again!
439
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,180
- Frank if it'll
make you any happier
440
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:37,130
I'll put on a dress with
a whole bunch of pockets!
441
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:38,200
(audience laughs)
442
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:42,110
- Okay, I'm not
gonna get excited.
443
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,060
I'm going to remain
absolutely calm.
444
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:47,190
I happen to have a plan, we
will work this whole thing out.
445
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,210
We will reconstruct
your entire day
446
00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,040
from beginning to finish,
447
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,990
that way it'll all come back
to you and you'll remember.
448
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,170
Now, what's the first
thing that you did?
449
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,960
- I did lots of things.
450
00:16:56,010 --> 00:16:57,990
- Well, don't tell me
about it, act it out,
451
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,040
that way it'll come back to ya!
452
00:16:59,090 --> 00:17:00,230
- Oh, Frank, I can't act.
453
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,160
- Oh, you can so, act.
454
00:17:02,210 --> 00:17:05,110
(audience laughs)
455
00:17:07,030 --> 00:17:08,230
Now what's the first
thing you did today?
456
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:12,050
- Well, don't hit me,
the first thing I did
457
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:13,090
was go to the bank!
458
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:14,140
- The bank.
- The bank.
459
00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:16,000
- The bank, right,
okay we're in the bank.
460
00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:18,000
I'm the bank clerk,
you come into the bank.
461
00:17:19,150 --> 00:17:20,190
Ah, good morning, Mrs. Smith!
462
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,050
- Good morning, I would like--
463
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,210
- Will you please wait your
turn, I'm talking to Mrs. Smith!
464
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,100
(audience laughs)
465
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:28,050
If we're gonna do this
thing, let's do it right!
466
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:31,040
(audience laughs)
467
00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,090
Ah, good morning, Mrs. Jones.
468
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,090
- Good morning, I--
469
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,120
- Will you please
wait your turn!
470
00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:40,110
(audience laughs)
471
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,140
- Well who are all these people?
472
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,150
(audience laughs)
473
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,210
- How do I know?
474
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:45,990
I'm just tryin' to
do this thing right.
475
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,120
Well, let's do it
again and do it right.
476
00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:50,060
(audience laughs)
477
00:17:53,090 --> 00:17:55,000
- Good morning, Mrs. Barton.
478
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:57,210
(audience laughs)
479
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,160
That's you, dummy.
480
00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:03,090
(audience laughs)
481
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,120
- Good morning.
482
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,010
I would like to see my
safe deposit box, please.
483
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:10,110
- Why, certainly, Mrs. Barton,
484
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,070
and how is your wonderful
husband, Mr. Barton?
485
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,090
Fine man.
486
00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:15,230
- Thank you very much,
I'll just put these
487
00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:18,140
important papers in my purse.
488
00:18:18,190 --> 00:18:21,050
- Don't you think
those important papers
489
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,020
would be safer in your pocket?
490
00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:25,980
(audience laughs)
491
00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:28,060
- They never said that!
492
00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:30,060
- Well they should've!
493
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,130
What happened next?
494
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,080
- Then I went to the supermarket
495
00:18:34,130 --> 00:18:35,230
and I bought some vegetables.
496
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,010
- Supermarket, okay.
497
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:38,060
Here we are we're
in the supermarket.
498
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:39,120
I'm the clerk.
499
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:40,120
All right, Mrs. Barton,
some apples, peaches, plums,
500
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:41,980
that'll be 84�.
501
00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:43,190
- Oh, yes, I have the change
right here in my purse.
502
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,020
- Ah!
503
00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:47,070
I see you have some very
important papers in your purse!
504
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,100
(audience laughs)
505
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:50,210
Don't you think they'd
be safer in your pocket?
506
00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:52,230
(audience laughs)
507
00:18:53,010 --> 00:18:54,180
- They never said that!
508
00:18:54,230 --> 00:18:56,090
- Well he should've!
509
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,140
What happened next?
510
00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:59,000
- Then I got on the bus!
511
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:00,060
- Okay, we're on the bus.
512
00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:01,170
You're over here,
I'm on the bus.
513
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,100
Okay, all right.
514
00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:06,160
Yous'll step to the
rear of the bus.
515
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:08,020
Your fare, please, lady.
516
00:19:08,070 --> 00:19:12,060
- I have the exact change
right here in my hand.
517
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:14,050
(audience laughs)
518
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,090
- Lady, I see you have
some very important--
519
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:18,050
- They never said that!
520
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,030
(audience laughs)
521
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:21,120
I'm sorry about the purse!
522
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,110
It was just one of those things!
523
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,150
- Well, you should've
been more careful!
524
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,020
Three people warned ya!
525
00:19:27,070 --> 00:19:30,170
The banker, the grocery
clerk, and the bus driver!
526
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:34,170
(audience laughs and claps)
527
00:19:36,090 --> 00:19:37,170
- They never said those things,
528
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:40,030
you said all those
things, they never did!
529
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:41,010
(doorbell rings)
530
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:42,080
That's the doorbell!
531
00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:43,070
- I know it!
532
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,170
- Well get it!
533
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:47,140
- Well, look in your pockets!
534
00:19:47,190 --> 00:19:49,020
- The doorbell's over there!
535
00:19:49,070 --> 00:19:50,210
- I know where the doorbell is!
536
00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:53,120
(audience laughs)
537
00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:55,210
- Hello, Mr. Barton, your wife
left her purse in the store.
538
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,150
- My purse!
539
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,170
- My papers!
540
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,070
My papers!
541
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,120
You found my papers!
542
00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:00,100
- Important papers, huh?
543
00:20:00,150 --> 00:20:01,150
- Important papers!
544
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,970
You bet your sweet
life they're important!
545
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,170
- You should've kept
them in your pocket!
546
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:07,140
- Would you lay off me!
547
00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:10,080
(audience laughs)
548
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:13,200
- Well these papers
saved my life, $2,000.
549
00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:15,110
You're gonna get a reward, son.
550
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,200
Yes, sir, I have
something here for ya,
551
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:21,030
right in my wallet,
wait, my wallet here.
552
00:20:22,170 --> 00:20:23,180
(audience laughs)
553
00:20:23,230 --> 00:20:24,220
- Can't you find your
wallet, sweetheart?
554
00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:25,180
- Well, it was in my pocket.
555
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:26,200
- Did you look in your pocket?
556
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,010
- I looked in my pocket.
557
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,080
- Maybe you should
look in your purse!
558
00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:30,020
- In my purse?
559
00:20:30,070 --> 00:20:32,210
(jazzy trumpet)
560
00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:36,090
(audience claps)
561
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:46,210
? I'm so glad we had
this time together ?
562
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:52,150
? Just to have a
laugh or sing a song ?
563
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:58,190
? Seems we just get started
and before you know it ?
564
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:05,220
? Comes the time we
have to say so long ?
565
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:07,940
- Good night.
566
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:10,960
("Carol's Theme"
by Joe Hamilton)
567
00:21:11,010 --> 00:21:13,210
(audience claps)
39493
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