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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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[metal clinking]
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I'm up.
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I'm up.
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[laughs]
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Good morning, Tarzan.
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Morning, Cheetah.
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Did you stay here all night or something?
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I woke up this morning and my wife was baking biscuits.
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So I ran out of the house like a thief.
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You ran out of the house?
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Only thing I can't stand in the morning as my wife's
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blueberry cement biscuits.
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Hey.
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What did you guys to last night?
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Oh, we took Sally out to dinner last night.
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Guess who we ran into?
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A waiter with a bag of soup.
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That's pretty close, all right.
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Do you remember Freddy White?
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That deadbeat?
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What's he doing now?
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Still playing cockamamy little nightclubs around the country.
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Boy, that's all he deserves.
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He's the worst, that guy.
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You know, I wrote some songs for him a couple of years ago.
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Never paid me.
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Sees you, he runs across the street.
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That's right. He stuck me, too.
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I wrote a monologue for him once.
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I never got a nickel.
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What was he doing last night, trying to finagle
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you into writing a new act?
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No.
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All he got from me was dessert, a cup of coffee, two drinks.
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However, he did make a big play for our gal Sal.
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- Came on strong? - Oh, boy.
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He was whispering so many compliments in her ear
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I thought her earrings were going to melt.
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[laughs] Boy, I bet Sal took him apart.
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No, she didn't.
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But I think she's going to take me apart.
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Why?
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Because Laura and I let Freddy take her home.
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I bet she's still steaming.
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You think she's sore?
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Good morning, gentlemen.
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Morning, Sal.
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Hello.
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Aw, you didn't have to sit down for me.
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Ooh, Rob, I love you!
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Hmm.
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ROB: It's obvious that you've forgiven me.
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Forgive you for what?
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For not taking your home last night.
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Rob, I want to thank you for introducing me
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to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.
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I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.
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I did.
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You mean, you like that guy?
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Liked him?
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Listen, he's replacing Herman Glimscher
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as my number one fella.
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Come on.
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You're joshing.
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I'm going to give Herman back to his mother.
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I've always felt a little guilty about breaking up that set.
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Sally, you can't be serious.
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Oh, Rob, listen.
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On the contrary, I'm very serious.
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In fact, Freddy and I are going to be driving
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up around your way tonight.
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Would you like us to drop in for coffee?
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Why-- coffee?
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Oh, wonderful.
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Wonderful.
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Well, don't be so enthused.
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Well, I'm not sure whether you're ribbing me right now
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like I thought you were ribbing Freddy White last night.
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Ribbing Freddy?
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Are you kidding?
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Listen, Rob, he had me eating out of his hand
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and it was delicious. Come on, fellas.
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What do you say we get to work so I get home early.
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I got to do a little extra beautifying for my new fella.
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Your new fella?
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Yeah.
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If I play my cards right, that boy is going to be
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the future Mr. Sally Rogers.
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[ominous music]
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Rob, will you sit down?
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You're wearing out the nap on the carpet.
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You know, I don't understand it.
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Isn't Sally smart enough to see what kind of a guy
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Freddy White is?
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Maybe he's changed.
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Guys like that only change for the worse.
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LAURA: You think he's romancing her just so he can use her?
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Yes, I do.
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And if we don't stop it, he's going
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to get Sal to write him an act for nothing,
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then he's going to drop her.
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I know exactly what kind of a guy he is.
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Rob, you're not thinking of trying to break it up, are you?
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Yeah, I am.
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I'm the guy that put 'em together.
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I'm the guy that better put 'em asunder.
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I've got to do something to convince
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Sally that that guy is as phony as a three legged duck.
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Rob, don't you see that the harder you try to show him up
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as a phony, and the more you point out his faults,
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the more she'll love him and fight to prove you wrong?
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Where'd you get that little piece of philosophy?
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Darling, I know.
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I'm a woman.
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Every time anyone points out your fault
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and your shortcomings, I defend you
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and I love you just that much more.
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I know, honey.
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What faults?
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What shortcomings you talking-- you been talking
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with Jerry or something? - No, darling.
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I'm just generalizing. [doorbell ringing]
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You know what I mean.
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There they are.
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All right, now, will you remember
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please you're Sally's friend, not her father.
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I'll try and remember, but I won't promise.
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[laughter]
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Hi, Sal.
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Hi, Sally.
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Hi, Fred.
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Hi, Fred.
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[laughter]
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Hey, Sal, what's the big joke?
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Do you know what this nut did?
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There was a mud outside, so he spread his coat
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and told me to walk on it.
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[laughs]
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Why not?
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Walter Raleigh did it and became immortal.
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[laughs] I know, but he did it for a queen.
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And what do you think you are, Your Majesty, chopped chicken
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liver?
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Why don't we all sit down?
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Yeah.
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Sit down, Sal.
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Oh, thanks Rob.
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Well, where did you two have dinner?
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At The Plush Pheasant.
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The Plush Pheasant-- that's kind of classy, isn't it?
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I hope to kiss a rhino.
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You know the cost for dinner for two?
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$41, not including the tip.
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Oh, want did you tell 'em for?
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Why not?
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Listen, I've never met a girl before that took
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me to such expensive places.
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Sal, you mean to tell me you paid for the dinner?
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No, only for what I ate.
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It's only fair, Rob.
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I had chicken.
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She had the pheasant.
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Yeah.
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But he was a real gent.
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He paid for the tip, the hat check, and the parking,
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and he gave me back the change.
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That's me, second rate comedian with star's class.
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Oh, now, cut that out, Freddy.
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You're not a second rate comedian.
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You've only got second rate material.
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Hey, you know what you need?
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Yeah.
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I know what I need.
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I need a new first rate act.
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And I might just get one real soon.
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From whom, Fred?
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I figure if I kind of be nice to this lovely blonde girl,
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she might write me an act real cheap.
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Listen.
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You keep kissing me like that, I'll
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write you a new act for free.
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Two more dates like tonight, and Rob
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may lose his prettiest comedy writer for life.
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Hey.
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Does that sound like a murder threat
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or did I just hear a marriage proposal?
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I don't know.
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I think either way, you're dead.
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[laughs]
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Laura, what do you think?
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Didn't that sound like a marriage proposal?
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Well, I think you want to discuss that with Fred.
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Aw, he'd just laugh.
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Oh, yeah?
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You just try me on the way home, Mommy.
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Honey, why don't you want to fix some coffee?
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Yeah.
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That's a good idea. - Good idea.
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Sal, why don't you give her a hand there?
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Sal?
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Sal.
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Sal, why don't you help--
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Sally. - Oh, yeah.
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Yeah. ROB: Help Laura with the coffee.
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Yeah, sure.
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I'll-- I'll go fix the sugar and the--
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the creamer, and I'll go slice some cake.
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Can you sew buttons, too?
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Like Betsy Ross.
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Show me.
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You know you're a nut?
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You know you're a nut?
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You really got a little Sally going there, haven't you?
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Yeah.
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She's infatuated with the old master.
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What-- what does the old master think of her?
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Oh, nice girl.
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Good figure, good teeth, good legs.
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Mm-hmm.
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I got plans for her.
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What are you gonna do, put her in a horse race?
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I'll tell you, a comic like me and a writer like Sally--
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together we can go right to the top of the heap.
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Yeah. I see.
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Fred, I know you're going to tell me
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this is none of my business, but I got to ask you something.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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I know.
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You want to know I love Sally. - That's right.
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Do you?
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I'm going to marry her if I can.
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Well, isn't that a little drastic, marrying somebody
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just to get some material?
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Why don't you ask her to write you an act instead?
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Rob, it's not the same.
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You see, if she's married to me, she'll write material forever.
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And then all I have to bear is a little love, compliments,
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and some attention.
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I think it's a great arrangement.
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Right?
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I think it stinks.
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I'm certainly glad that you're not Sally's father.
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You wouldn't spring for a good church wedding, would you?
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I'm going to go in there and tell Sally this right now.
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You won't.
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And if you did, it wouldn't do any good anyway, because she's
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got stars in her eyes.
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And I put them there.
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You know something, Freddy?
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You are not a very nice man.
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You know, Rob, your porch lights are on.
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But everybody notices it right away.
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[music playing]
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Rob, are you just going to lie there and let
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her be hurt by that man?
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What do you want me to do?
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Go to bed.
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Why don't you talk to her, Rob,
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and tell her what he told you tonight?
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I told him I was going to tell her.
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It didn't faze him.
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He said she wouldn't even believe me.
269
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:03,142
Do you know she's in love with him?
270
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,077
Did she say that to you in those words?
271
00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:06,979
Right in our kitchen.
272
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,247
Oh, boy.
273
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:10,182
Well, maybe she's, you know, just infatuated.
274
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,885
Well, in that case it'll make it that much easier for you
275
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,086
to tell her.
276
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:14,887
Honey, look.
277
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,188
Why don't you talk to Sally?
278
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,690
You're both the same sex.
279
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:19,792
Well, so are you.
280
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:20,526
What?
281
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,094
So are you and Fred.
282
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:24,797
Besides, it'll be much more convincing coming from a man.
283
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,966
Yeah, I suppose so.
284
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,402
Oh, I wish she would just marry Herman Glimscher
285
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,937
and settle down.
286
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,872
LAURA: Of course, you could just resist introducing
287
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:34,540
her to charming rat finks.
288
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,441
Oh, I will.
289
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,710
You watch your language.
290
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:39,979
Will you go to bed?
291
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:41,013
Oh.
292
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,686
[music playing]
293
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:48,854
And Laura is trying to make me believe
294
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,556
it's my fault that Sally and that fink
295
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:51,924
White got together, simply because I
296
00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:53,292
was the guy who introduced 'em.
297
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:54,627
Well, Laura's right.
298
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,529
I'll always hold a special place in my heart
299
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,598
for the guy who introduced me to Pickles.
300
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,100
Every time I get heartburn, I think of him.
301
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,804
Well, I don't want Sally to think that way about me.
302
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,439
BUDDY: You really think the guy will marry her
303
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,640
just to get an act for free?
304
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,175
He said that to me in those words,
305
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,078
just as calmly as if he were ordering a shrimp cocktail.
306
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:16,582
Boy, that's a new one, an honest louse.
307
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,351
That's the worst kind.
308
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,319
Hey, maybe we better tell Sal before she starts
309
00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:21,654
emptying out her hope chest.
310
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:24,156
I intend to, just when the proper moment comes.
311
00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:24,857
Hi, fellas.
312
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:25,825
I'm sorry I'm late.
313
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:26,892
I was at the beauty shop.
314
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,127
Oh, didn't get waited on.
315
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,128
Right?
316
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:33,199
You better be nice to me.
317
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,001
I may not be around here too much longer.
318
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:35,768
Oh?
319
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,036
Look what Freddy gave me.
320
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:40,006
A manicure?
321
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:40,940
Wrong hand.
322
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:41,841
Look.
323
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:43,609
Freddy gave you a cigar band?
324
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:44,810
Yeah.
325
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:46,846
Maybe he wants to smoke your finger.
326
00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:49,148
You know what he said to me when he gave this to me?
327
00:10:49,248 --> 00:10:52,051
He said, Mommy, I'm gonna replace
328
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:55,354
that paper band with something a little more durable.
329
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,323
A peach pit ring.
330
00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:00,926
No, a real one.
331
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:05,798
Hey Rob, Buddy, we're getting married.
332
00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,337
Well, aren't you gonna say congratulations
333
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,271
or something like that?
334
00:11:12,371 --> 00:11:13,172
Yeah.
335
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:13,906
Congratulations.
336
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,141
Congratulations, Sal.
337
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,343
Well, don't jump up and down for joy.
338
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:18,644
Sally, sit down.
339
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,179
There's a few things I want to say to you.
340
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,148
Well, if you're gonna tell me about the birds and bees,
341
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,749
I know.
342
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:24,984
About Freddy White.
343
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:27,586
You mean about how he owes you money?
344
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:28,821
Not only that.
345
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,723
About your conversation last night?
346
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:31,624
He told you?
347
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,225
Every word.
348
00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:35,728
Well, Sal, don't you see the reason he's going to marry you?
349
00:11:35,828 --> 00:11:37,396
Well, do you mean did he tell me
350
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:39,532
that he intended to use me as his head writer
351
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:40,633
of free comedy material?
352
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,034
Yeah, he told me.
353
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:44,270
And he said you'd probably tell me if he didn't.
354
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,604
Well, I'll be.
355
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:47,606
Sally, don't you see what he's trying to do?
356
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,076
Well, I think he's being painfully honest.
357
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:51,911
Sally, I don't know quite how to say this.
358
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,447
But Freddy White is not a very nice man.
359
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,748
Now, Rob, wait a minute--
360
00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:57,917
wasn't a very nice man.
361
00:11:58,017 --> 00:12:00,352
Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.
362
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,720
Yeah.
363
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:02,388
It keeps you from bowling on Thursday nights.
364
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:08,360
Look, fellas, Freddy's a very gifted man,
365
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,196
and I know I can help him.
366
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:10,963
And let's face it.
367
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,032
I-- I know he can help me.
368
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:16,469
So don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
369
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:17,970
I hope so.
370
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,807
Well, all I can say, Sal, is I wish you great happiness
371
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:22,875
and lots of luck.
372
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,444
Yeah, lots of luck.
373
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:26,378
Thanks, Rob.
374
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,948
You too, Buddy.
375
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:33,018
Well, when-- when you think you'll be leaving us, Sal?
376
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:35,387
Well, that's kind of, like, up to Fred.
377
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:36,655
You know.
378
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,124
Hi, fellas.
379
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:39,425
Mommy.
380
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:40,459
Mommy.
381
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,597
Did she tell you the news? - Yeah.
382
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:45,531
She told us.
383
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:46,465
Exciting, isn't it?
384
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,600
Yeah, very.
385
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,935
Makes me all goosey pimply.
386
00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:51,904
I know how you guys feel, but don't feel bad.
387
00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:53,038
You're not losing a collaborator.
388
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,474
You're only gaining a new star.
389
00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:57,209
We're thrilled.
390
00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:59,578
Listen, Rob, can I borrow my girl for about an hour?
391
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:01,280
- For what? - For what?
392
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:02,414
Me.
393
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,717
I found an engagement ring for you that's you.
394
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:05,651
Yeah?
395
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:06,952
Yeah.
396
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,487
And I want you to be the first one to see it.
397
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:11,190
After all, you're paying for it.
398
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,525
Wait a minute.
399
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,826
Sal, you mean you're gonna buy your own engagement ring?
400
00:13:13,926 --> 00:13:14,760
Why not?
401
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:15,961
She's gonna wear it.
402
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:17,163
SALLY: He's only kidding. - Listen.
403
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:18,364
While we're gone, you can discuss
404
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,698
a nice engagement gift for us. - Yeah.
405
00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:20,966
Sure.
406
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,001
Why don't we write your new act, so she
407
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,269
can have a nice honeymoon.
408
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,904
Hey.
409
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,572
That's not a bad idea.
410
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,073
Discuss it, will you?
411
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,375
Come on, Mommy, let's go.
412
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,342
Yeah, but listen.
413
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:31,810
Also talk about silverware and salad
414
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:34,380
bowls, things like that there, you know.
415
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,950
Don't forget, it's for Sally, so money should be no object.
416
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,522
Yuck.
417
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:44,456
Yeah.
418
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,025
Boy, he is lovable.
419
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:46,959
Buddy, you know something?
420
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:48,394
You're a genius.
421
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,161
I'm what?
422
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:50,696
I said, you're a genius.
423
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:51,931
Has my mother been blabbing again?
424
00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:53,499
[laughs] No.
425
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,100
You were kidding when you said we'd write Freddy a new act,
426
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,336
but that's just what you and I are going to do.
427
00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:58,304
Oh, come on.
428
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,738
We're going to write Freddy White
429
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,073
the best act he's ever had.
430
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:04,176
I wouldn't write that guy I get well card.
431
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:06,512
Didn't you notice when you said you'd write him a new act,
432
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:08,047
those beady eyes lit up?
433
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,683
Who wants to light up his beady little eyes?
434
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:13,786
Buddy, I've got a hunch that if you and I write him a really
435
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:15,888
great act, Freddy White is liable to lose
436
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:18,490
interest in his Mommy.
437
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:19,825
Gee, do you really think so?
438
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:20,993
Sure.
439
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:22,461
And the worst thing that can happen
440
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,495
is that we're proven wrong.
441
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:24,997
What do you say? - Yeah.
442
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:26,832
And if we're wrong it means he really cares for Sally.
443
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:27,866
That's right.
444
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,335
Gee, what a great idea I had.
445
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,241
[laughter]
446
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,977
You know, ladies and gentlemen, many times when
447
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,979
the person comes out on stage people in the audience
448
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:41,981
sometimes say to themselves, gee,
449
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,016
I wonder where he comes from.
450
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:47,219
After all, not everyone can come from West Chester.
451
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:48,887
[laughter]
452
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,789
I come from a little town called South
453
00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:55,961
Mokelumne Falls, which is in Mahanoy County, Pennsylvania.
454
00:14:56,061 --> 00:15:00,799
And it's exactly six miles north of Plunkettville,
455
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:02,701
another strange little town.
456
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,937
And this is where I spent my youth.
457
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,306
Now, to more or less reminisce about my youth,
458
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,108
I was a little too young for a dog,
459
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:11,243
a little too old for a giraffe.
460
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:14,146
So I had to settle for an ordinary housefly.
461
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,882
And every day when I went to school, Horace to fly
462
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:19,551
would follow me to school, land on my desk,
463
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,720
and show me his exercises.
464
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,689
[laughter]
465
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:27,393
[applause]
466
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,334
There was a neighbor that lived a couple of doors away
467
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:38,504
that used to raise rare birds, the Umack bird.
468
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,973
Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the Umack
469
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:42,841
bird, the Umack bird happens to be
470
00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:46,478
one of the rare species of birds on the face of the earth today.
471
00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:49,214
They also happen to be very passionate birds.
472
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:53,352
Do you know that every night at 9:30 o'clock,
473
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,155
when the moon is at its very lowest, you can
474
00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,592
find this bird flying from branch to branch,
475
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,695
search for her mate.
476
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,330
Is that you, Mack?
477
00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:07,466
[laughter]
478
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,069
Is that you, Mack?
479
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:11,637
[mimics bird]
480
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,707
[laughter]
481
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,643
Today I walked into a drug store.
482
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:20,079
Now, walking into a drug store nowadays is not
483
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,613
quite like it was years ago.
484
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,183
So you will notice that invariably, in a drug store,
485
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,618
they have a section set up for alarm clocks,
486
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:31,490
ranging from $3.95 to $39.95.
487
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,892
However, years ago we never needed
488
00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:35,761
alarm clocks to wake us up.
489
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:37,363
Because there was an old man that
490
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:41,567
lived next door who was 50 years old and had a 75-year-old cold.
491
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,936
And every morning, he'd clear out his sinuses.
492
00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:50,509
[mimics clearing throat]
493
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:54,179
[laughter and applause]
494
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,584
You see, this woke up our neighborhood.
495
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:02,187
Now, that was usually a definite cue for the neighbor next door
496
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:04,590
to commence with this daily chores.
497
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:10,763
[non-english speech] [mimics sawing wood]
498
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,077
Well, we had a little construction problem
499
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:26,979
in those days, too, just as we have today.
500
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,948
Today there are two types of highways in the United States--
501
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:33,786
inadequate and under construction.
502
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,088
But it would be unkind and unfair to make you think
503
00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:38,991
I had no love, for I met my first real love when
504
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,293
I was just eight years old.
505
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:42,828
Her name was Olivia.
506
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:50,202
She was tall, beautiful, gorgeous, elegant, shapely.
507
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,570
She was an ostrich.
508
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:57,409
[mimics ostrich call]
509
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:08,720
[laughter and applause]
510
00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:25,304
You were great.
511
00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:26,605
Oh, wasn't he great, Mel?
512
00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:29,641
First rate, absolutely first rate.
513
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,210
Don't congratulate me.
514
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:32,878
Congratulate Mutt and Jeff.
515
00:18:32,978 --> 00:18:34,446
They wrote it.
516
00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:37,249
Fred, how would you like to do that act on "The Alan
517
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:38,784
Brady Show" next week?
518
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,586
I wouldn't.
519
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:41,887
You wouldn't?
520
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:44,456
Of course not, at least not until I've made as much as
521
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:46,291
I can out of it work in nightclubs and theaters
522
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:47,860
throughout the country.
523
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,262
After all, why should I blow it all on one television show?
524
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:51,597
That makes sense, Mel.
525
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:52,898
Well, it doesn't make sense to me, not at all.
526
00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:54,199
I think it makes sense, Mel.
527
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,901
After all, he can play our show after he's
528
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,236
toured the world with it.
529
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,037
Pretty nice engagement gift, huh, Freddy?
530
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,372
What, are you guys kidding?
531
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,375
This is too good for an engagement gift.
532
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:04,643
What do you mean, Fred?
533
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,111
Well, do you realize I could do a world
534
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,613
tour with this material?
535
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,413
So?
536
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:11,416
So engagement gift is out.
537
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,385
What?
538
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,487
Mommy.
539
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:17,556
Mommy.
540
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,625
A wedding gift.
541
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,461
A wedding gift?
542
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:26,398
Well, you two certainly broke up that romance.
543
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:30,235
[mimics dog barking]
544
00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:33,639
Come on, honey.
545
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:34,873
Just put that over there. Would you, please?
546
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:36,708
- Oh, sure, Mommy. - Good.
547
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:37,943
I won't be too long.
548
00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:38,944
Take your time.
549
00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:44,917
Hey, you know, Mommy--
550
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,051
What?
551
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:46,885
You know what you remind me of?
552
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,387
What?
553
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:49,988
A schoolgirl emptying her desk at the end of the year.
554
00:19:50,088 --> 00:19:52,524
You know, I feel like one.
555
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:53,659
You know, there'll probably be lots
556
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:54,993
of times when I'll miss those two
557
00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:58,397
nuts and this old school room--
558
00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:03,902
Rob doing his push ups, and Buddy sleeping on the couch.
559
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:08,674
Come on, let's get out of here before they come back.
560
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:11,243
You know, we did the goodbye bit to death last night.
561
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:14,980
Hey, wait a minute, Mommy.
562
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,115
What's with the [sniffles]?
563
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,584
Something wrong with you? - No, why?
564
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,218
You're not going to miss writing, are you?
565
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,020
Well, I'll be writing for you, won't I?
566
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,856
You better believe it, Mommy.
567
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,526
[laughs]
568
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:29,027
What are you laughing at?
569
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:29,995
What am I laughing at?
570
00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:31,530
SALLY: Yeah.
571
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,498
You know, I know a couple of guys that thought that when
572
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,901
I got a good act that I wouldn't need you,
573
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,536
that I wouldn't marry you.
574
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:40,105
I sure proved them wrong, didn't I?
575
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,340
Did you?
576
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,275
Sally, don't you know by marrying you
577
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,978
I have an opportunity to make half of show business
578
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,280
eat their words?
579
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,815
What do you mean?
580
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,051
I finally get a chance to get rid of the billing Freddy
581
00:20:53,151 --> 00:20:54,519
the Welsher.
582
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,955
This is my opportunity to prove to those characters
583
00:20:57,055 --> 00:21:00,692
that I've changed, that I do honor contracts, debts,
584
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:04,396
verbal commitments, handshakes, and all that jazz,
585
00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,932
like a guy with finesse should.
586
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:10,802
Do to see, Mommy, the day that I marry you
587
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:13,939
I make think dingbats out of half of show business,
588
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,708
for crying out loud.
589
00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:19,378
[somber music]
590
00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:22,981
Yeah, for crying out loud.
591
00:21:23,081 --> 00:21:24,016
Huh.
592
00:21:30,322 --> 00:21:32,891
What are you doing, Sally?
593
00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:36,194
Freddy, I think it'd be best all the way around we
594
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:37,095
call this thing off.
595
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:38,230
Huh?
596
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:39,131
The marriage?
597
00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:40,332
Yeah.
598
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:42,100
You want to call off the wedding?
599
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,135
Yeah.
600
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:44,970
I want to call off the wedding.
601
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:48,540
[somber music]
602
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:53,545
What do you say, Freddy?
603
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:54,579
Huh?
604
00:21:57,616 --> 00:21:58,283
No!
605
00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:00,152
I'm not gonna call it off.
606
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,486
What do you think of that?
607
00:22:01,586 --> 00:22:03,088
You're not gonna call it off?
608
00:22:03,188 --> 00:22:04,022
No.
609
00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:04,956
Come on.
610
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,725
Come on.
611
00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:11,363
Do you think that I'm gonna have those Broadway columnists call
612
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:13,932
me welsher again?
613
00:22:14,032 --> 00:22:14,833
We're get married.
614
00:22:14,933 --> 00:22:16,435
That's final.
615
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:20,105
Uh, Freddy, I got a great idea.
616
00:22:20,205 --> 00:22:21,306
What do you think of this?
617
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:22,474
Suppose we postpone it?
618
00:22:22,574 --> 00:22:24,042
- Postpone it? - Yeah. yeah.
619
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:25,277
You go on tour.
620
00:22:25,377 --> 00:22:26,678
And then, when you come back, you know,
621
00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:28,413
we'll pick up where we left off.
622
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,881
You know, we'll just go right on.
623
00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:30,949
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
624
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:31,917
That's a terrific idea.
625
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:33,018
Good idea, huh?
626
00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:33,919
We postpone it.
627
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:35,120
I go away on tour.
628
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:36,788
Then, when I come back, we get back together again.
629
00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:37,289
Yeah. Good.
630
00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:38,857
Beautiful.
631
00:22:38,957 --> 00:22:40,859
And to show my intentions are honest, I'll keep your ring.
632
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:41,793
OK?
633
00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:42,861
OK.
634
00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:43,929
Yeah.
635
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,931
Oh, Mommy, I'll write to you every day.
636
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:46,765
Yeah.
637
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,133
And I'll answer you every day.
638
00:22:48,233 --> 00:22:49,334
Oh, you're one in a million!
639
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,268
Yeah.
640
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,903
Those are my usual odds.
641
00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,272
Yeah.
642
00:22:54,372 --> 00:22:55,407
You wear that ring.
643
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,910
Oh, till my whole arm turns green.
644
00:22:59,010 --> 00:22:59,978
I got it.
645
00:23:00,078 --> 00:23:01,713
Oh, I love you.
646
00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:02,714
What a girl!
647
00:23:06,017 --> 00:23:09,588
[somber music]
648
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:27,172
Freddy told you, huh?
649
00:23:27,272 --> 00:23:28,740
We're sorry, Sal.
650
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,509
Hey, Sal, I want you to know that writing the act
651
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:32,010
for that guy was my idea.
652
00:23:32,110 --> 00:23:33,011
No, it wasn't, Sal.
653
00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,412
I thought maybe it would--
654
00:23:34,513 --> 00:23:36,848
Boy, I never thought you fellas were that way.
655
00:23:36,948 --> 00:23:37,582
What do you mean?
656
00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:39,818
Credit grabbers.
657
00:23:39,918 --> 00:23:41,787
Look, I don't care whose idea it--
658
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:44,623
it worked, and I thank you both very, very much.
659
00:23:44,723 --> 00:23:46,191
You mean, you're not upset?
660
00:23:46,291 --> 00:23:50,595
Oh, yeah, but quite happy about the results, believe me.
661
00:23:50,695 --> 00:23:51,496
It's all right, fellas.
662
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:52,731
Where are you going?
663
00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:53,565
Home.
664
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:54,866
When are you coming back here?
665
00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:56,134
Well, let's see.
666
00:23:56,234 --> 00:23:57,769
It'll take me about 15 minutes to change and unpack,
667
00:23:57,869 --> 00:23:59,004
and 15 minutes for traveling.
668
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,273
I should be back in about three hours.
669
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:02,440
Three hours?
670
00:24:02,541 --> 00:24:03,775
Yeah.
671
00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:06,011
I figure I'm good for at least a two hour cry.
672
00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:07,813
See ya.
673
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:11,249
[somber music]
674
00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:18,824
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Oh.
675
00:24:18,924 --> 00:24:19,724
Hi, Sal.
676
00:24:19,825 --> 00:24:20,659
Hello.
677
00:24:20,759 --> 00:24:21,593
Aw.
678
00:24:21,693 --> 00:24:23,328
You didn't have to stand up for me.
679
00:24:23,428 --> 00:24:24,429
Who was standing up?
680
00:24:24,529 --> 00:24:27,332
I was straightening my girdle.
681
00:24:27,432 --> 00:24:28,800
What are you so happy about, anyway?
682
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:30,402
- I got a present for you. - What?
683
00:24:30,502 --> 00:24:31,169
What? What?
684
00:24:31,269 --> 00:24:31,937
This is you.
685
00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:33,138
Hey, money.
686
00:24:33,238 --> 00:24:34,139
And that's for you.
687
00:24:34,239 --> 00:24:35,173
Hey, what's this for?
688
00:24:35,273 --> 00:24:36,808
For writing Fred White's act.
689
00:24:36,908 --> 00:24:38,343
You mean, he sent us some money?
690
00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:39,477
Nope.
691
00:24:39,578 --> 00:24:40,712
ROB: Then where did it come from?
692
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,380
Well, I took back his engagement ring
693
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:43,982
and got the money.
694
00:24:44,082 --> 00:24:46,017
I thought it was high time he started paying writers.
695
00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:47,085
Hey.
696
00:24:47,185 --> 00:24:48,253
Hey, Rob, you know any more cheap comics
697
00:24:48,353 --> 00:24:49,187
you can introduce her to?
698
00:24:49,287 --> 00:24:50,255
Don't do me any favors.
699
00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:51,189
Why Buddy?
700
00:24:51,289 --> 00:24:52,691
Well, look.
701
00:24:52,791 --> 00:24:54,559
Sal, if it's not too much wear and tear on your heart,
702
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,161
we can make a lot of extra money this way.
703
00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:57,295
- You and her-- - Oh, come on!
704
00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:03,068
[music playing]
705
00:25:08,139 --> 00:25:11,643
[theme music]
48290
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