All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e19

[theme music playing]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[piano playing]

All we need is just one joke to finish the show.

Come up with something, Buddy, and you

can go home to your wife.

Oh, my wife?

What kind of a reward is that?

It's like winning a free ticket to Death Valley.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You say one more joke we can go home?

- Yeah. - I got it.

I got it.

And to show you how sure I am of this joke tell you what we do.

Rob, here's your hat.

Sally, here's your purse.

Get ready, and we're going home. This is the big joke.

Well, he, if he's sure, I'm sure.

- Well, let's have it. - You ready?

Alan says, good night, ladies and gentlemen.

And now shock theater--

my mother-in-law in curlers.

[plays piano]

And speaking of curlers--

the only guy I know can walk into a barbershop

and say, give me a shave and a shave.

Yech.

Mel, how did you like the sketch?

Did-- did Alan like it?

Oh, I haven't shown it to Alan yet.

But I want to tell you that opening monologue is one

of the funniest I've ever read.

Oh, you really think so?

Hey, looks like we're in good shape this week, huh?

Oh, there is one little thing.

What little thing?

The middle sketch.

The middle sketch?

Do you mean The 17-minute middle

sketch that took five days to write, that little thing?

What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just not funny.

Aw.

Aw, come on, Mel.

I don't usually say this, but I think

that sketch is one of the funniest

we've written in months.

Well, I'm sorry.

It just didn't make me laugh.

That proves it's funny.

What did Alan say?

I didn't show it to him.

Why not?

Because, as his producer, it's my job

not to show him a bad script.

A bad script!

What are you talking about?

Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script,

and I'm sure Alan would agree with me too.

I'm sorry.

There's no use--

Mel, I could go over your head.

Watch it, Rob.

It's slippery up there.

Not now, Buddy.

Rob, he is not going to see that script.

Now, will you please write a new sketch?

- A new sketch? - What?

Do you mean to say you want us to sit

down and start all over again?

What's the matter with you?

Did you lose some brains along with your hair?

Just a minute, you guys.

Mel, let's have a moment of truth here.

What's really bugging you about that sketch?

It's about a man in a large corporation

who goes up from file clerk to vice president in 17 minutes.

Yes, and he does this by hard work,

perseverance, dogged courage, and marrying the boss's sister.

That has nothing to do with it.

Nothing to do with it?

If it wasn't for that, you'd be back washing cars.

That's what digging in your craw, Mel.

Just because you happen to be Alan Brady's brother-in-law,

you don't think it's funny.

Rob, there is no point in arguing.

You are going to have to write a new sketch.

No, sir, not while there's a good sketch already written.

And very well written.

You said it.

Once and for all, that sketch is out.

Mel, if that sketch is out, we are out.

That's right, Rob.

You tell him.

You mean-- you mean you're quitting?

Well, I don't see where we're doing much good around here.

No good at all, believe me.

Not with that attitude you're not.

Look, Mel, the only way we will rewrite that sketch

is if Alan Brady asks us to.

Yeah, if it comes from the head man, fine.

That's right.

And if that's not satisfactory to you,

then you'll just get yourself three new writers.

That's right.

Get yourself three new writers.

OK!

Suit yourself.

All right. OK.

That's it.

Come on, gang.

Come on.

Come on, gang.

I-- I rang for the elevator.

Buddy, Sally, the elevator's here.

Buddy, Sally, the elevator's about to go down.

LAURA: Rob, is that you?

Yeah, honey.

LAURA: I'll be out in a minute, dear.

I want to show you something.

OK.

Well, what do you think?

Is that something!

Very smart, very chic.

I thought you'd like it.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, it gives you that real soft look.

You don't think it needs anything done to it?

Well, there is one little thing you might do.

What's that?

Take it back.

We can't afford the money.

I walked out of my job today.

You what?

Well, we wrote a sketch which I consider

to be very, very funny.

And Mel not only turned it down.

He wouldn't even let Alan see it!

Why?

Because it was about a man who's the boss's

brother-in-law, and it struck him just

a little bit too close to home.

That's all.

I'm out of a job.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it!

What are they going to do down there without you

and Buddy and Sally?

Buddy and Sally?

You mean Benedict Arnold and Matahari?

What do you mean?

Honey, that's just what I mean.

They're traitors.

That's what they are!

I'm swelling the ranks of the unemployed.

Buddy and Sally still have jobs down there.

Well, Rob, you'll never have to worry

about being unemployed.

Why, with your reputation, every show in town

will be calling you.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe we'd better cut down on these lights till they call.

You're really worried about this, aren't you?

Well, yeah, I am.

It's not the job either.

You know what really bugs me?

Buddy and Sally.

Some friends they are.

We were the three musketeers right up until-- we

could-- have stood up to Mel.

We could have all walked out of there.

They deserted me.

Some friends.

Oh, Rob, they are your friends.

They must have had their reasons.

Darling, you sit down and relax.

I'm going to fix dinner. I'll bring it right in.

It's almost ready.

Well, some friends.

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah, Rob, you're right.

You tell him, Rob.

He's right.

Yeah, we're behind you, Rob.

Boy, some friends.

After all we've been to each other.

Don't even remember.

Oh, I remember.

Remember the first day I came to work for them.

That was 10 years ago.

This is it, Rob, the writer's office.

This is where you'll be cracking the whip.

Yeah, about that, Mr. Coolidge.

Cooley.

Oh, yeah, Cooley.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand why I was made the head writer.

After all, Mr. Sorrell and Miss Rogers

have been here over a year now.

Rob, when our last head writer left, Alan wanted somebody who

would give a new look to the show,

bring something different, original.

When he saw the film of your work

he said, get me the man who did those sketches.

But those were only done on a small local station.

Which impressed Mr. Brady all the more.

Well, I mean, Mr. Sorrell and Miss Rogers, don't you

think they'll be upset?

I mean, a novice telling them what to do?

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll handle it.

Well, you think you can?

Rob, I'm the producer.

- Good morning, Mel! - Sally.

Hey! Hiya, Mel.

Hey!

You've been worried about getting bald.

I got good news for you.

You are not losing your hair.

I'm not?

No, I just found it.

Look there's some here and here.

Hey, who's your friend, Mel?

Oh, he's not my friend.

Well, that's a point in his favor.

Is he Married

Yes, I am.

Well, you just lost your point, Fred.

Rob.

Oh, Rob.

Yeah, Robert Petrie, Sally and Buddy.

Rob has been hired to be with us.

Well, I didn't think he was hired to be against us.

[phone rings] - I'll get it.

Hello?

- I hope you enjoy-- - Yeah.

Yeah, he's here. - --being on the team.

OK.

Uh, Mel, Alan wants you.

Oh, fine.

I'll be back in a minute.

Excuse me.

Mr. Cooley!

Mr. Cooley, you didn't--

Of course he didn't.

He never does.

He never does what?

He never does anything.

Rob?

It is Rob, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Mel said you're going to be with us.

What do you do?

Well, I've been hired to be your writer.

BUDDY: Writer? Hey!

Yeah, that's good.

We sure could use one around here.

Here, how about some coffee?

Oh, thank you.

Hey, how about-- how about going

halvies with me on a donut.

Oh, thank a lot!

Boy, I sure hope you can spell.

Why don't you sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh.

Hey, who'd you work for last?

My last job was in Danville.

Danville?

Yeah, well, Danville, Illinois.

It's just south of Chicago.

- Oh. - Oh.

Well, what did you do there, I mean besides visiting

Chicago on your day off?

[laughs] Well, I did about everything at that station.

I did the weather.

I did the news.

I had a two-hour variety show every night.

Mr. Brady saw some of the films of the show.

And I guess he liked them.

Anyway, I'm here.

Ah, welcome aboard.

You see, Sal?

We finally got a talented apprentice here.

Well, it's nice to have you with us, Rob.

- Sure is. - Thank you.

Come on right over here.

Sit down, relax yourself.

Take it easy.

You got nothing to worry about.

The first few days you just sit and listen.

Yeah, and then little by little you toss in some ideas.

And then that way you'll work your way in.

You're going to shape up just fine.

Well, that's very nice of you.

I think I ought to tell you something.

I'm-- I--

Oh, that you're nervous?

Aw, relax.

We'll turn you into a professional

in spite of yourself.

No, you see, the reason I--

Rob?

Yes, Mr. Cooley?

Alan would like you to do the opening monologue for the show.

So would you get your staff busy on it, please?

I'll check back with you later.

Well, mister-- mister--

Mr. Cooley.

Your staff?

Did he say your staff?

Well-- [chuckles softly] [coughs]

My paper clip.

Ah, well, he's the head writer.

He's got to have a lot of room for his head.

Look, I didn't even ask to be the head writer.

I would have been very happy just to be

the third man around here.

- Oh, sure you would. - Yeah.

Who'd you say you were married to?

A girl I met over in the army.

Why?

She related Alan Brady?

Oh, cut it out, Buddy.

Come on now, we've got a show to do.

What-- what do we work on?

Don't ask me.

Let's ask the chief.

I just take orders from him.

What it's going to be today, Mr. Head Writer?

Well, Mr. Cooley asked for an opening

monologue for Mr. Brady.

Why-- why don't we start with that?

Oh, good thinking.

That kid's a born leader.

What kind of jokes this week, chief?

Well, I--

I-- I wasn't actually thinking in terms of, well, jokes.

Well, look, why don't we do a nightclub routine.

Yeah, that's wonderful.

Alan just got finished playing a nightclub in Las Vegas.

Vegas, Vegas, Vegas joke.

Oh! Oh!

He says, the only way to beat the gambling tables

in Las Vegas, when you get off the plane,

walk into the propeller.

[laughs]

Like that one, chief?

Well, I-- I--

I don't think-- I-- those--

I had the feeling those-- those are the jokes, they're not--

well--

All right.

Now, how about this.

I just visited a hotel in Las Vegas.

They have slot machines all over, even in the rooms.

I lost $40 playing the sink.

[laughs] - [laughs] Beautiful!

Beautiful!

Gee, that's good.

Hey!

And listen, Alan just drove back from Vegas.

How about-- how about automobile jokes?

Automobile?

Hey, how are you on car jokes? - Cars?

Well, as a matter of fact--

[laughs] Beautiful.

Look, why don't why do one where Alan says,

I just bought a little secondhand car.

It's a five-passenger job.

One drives and four push.

Hey, got any more car jokes like that?

- No! - No?

No?

Well, I just think instead of doing

a string of jokes about cars--

You don't want to open a comedy show with jokes?

No.

Maybe we should open it with a Budapest string quartet.

No, you see, I drove up from Danville in a car.

And I noticed all the new cars along the highway.

And I got this idea for doing an impersonation-- impersonation

of a brand-new car.

You want Alan to be a car?

Well, yeah, it might be fun.

Oh, lots of laughs.

That's fun. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Let's not be conclusion jumpers.

This may really be something.

I think we ought to look at it.

Oh, yeah, well, maybe we should see.

I think we should see.

Why-- why don't you do it for us.

Of course, this may not be exactly what you want in there.

But I-- I think it-- it could be very funny.

Alan would be-- see, Alan would be a car.

SALLY: Mm-hmm.

Like, see, I'm a car.

These are headlights.

Funny, I thought they looked like hands.

Han-- [mumbling] all right.

I'm a car, see, on this room-- all right.

Well, here I am, a brand-new car on the showroom floor.

Great to get out from under wraps.

I'll say that.

Everything on me too, white-side wall tires,

air conditioning, power seat.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Hmm. Hmm.

More ways, too.

Here comes somebody in now, a customer.

Pretty seedy looking.

He sees me.

Here he comes.

No, no, get away from me.

Ooh!

He's kicking the tires.

Mm!

Oh, boy Unh!

He's opening the door.

He's closing the door.

Oh

Now he's opening the door.

Oh, he's getting in.

Oh, all right.

Stop fooling around with the steering wheel, will you.

Now he's trying the brakes.

Oh, don't do that.

Why don't you try the horn, you-- beep!

I begin my beeping.

Beep!

Beep!

The keys aren't in--

[engine sounds]

They are! Good.

Here comes the manager.

He's throwing him out.

Good for you.

Boy.

Hey, here comes somebody looks like my style.

Hey, how do I look?

Polish up the grille work.

That's it.

Windshield wipers straight.

Now look racy.

Yeah.

Yeah, he sees me.

Here he comes.

Oh, he's going to open the hood.

Ah.

How do you like that, twin carburetors!

[imitates hood slamming] Oh.

Yeah, he's impressed.

He's going over.

He's talking to the manager now.

Yeah.

He's taking out a gun.

A gun!

Hey, what is-- he's coming over this way.

He's getting in.

I'm being stolen!

[engine revving]

Where are we going?

Oh, no, we're out on the highway.

Help!

How fast am I going?

I'm going 100 miles an hour!

[engine sounds]

I'm going 110.

I'm going a quarter after 10.

[siren sounding]

Oh, no, it's the cops!

Oh, they're after him.

[gunfire]

Oh, and they're shooting at him.

Oh, they got me in the carburetor.

Oh.

I'm blacking out!

I can't see the road.

Look out!

Look out!

How do you like that?

Right in the grille work.

Oh, and he smashed all my window glass.

I can't see a thing without my window glass.

Ssss!

And a flat tire.

Oh, no. Help.

Help!

Don't leave me out here to die.

Someone help!

I-- oh, good. Oh, good.

It's the wrecker.

They're coming to save me.

Oh, watch. Easy.

Easy with the hook, boys. That's it.

Oh, good.

Well, what do you think?

Sally, where were we?

You had a five-passenger car.

Yeah, one drives and four push it.

Then we get a couple of traffic jokes.

Five-passenger car.

That's good.

[typing]

Ah, don't you think we ought to get something

about back-seat drivers?

That ought to be good there.

BUDDY: Yeah, yeah.

Got an automatic joke for backseat driver.

Well, they treated me like a teenage head writer.

Well, I realize I was thrown at 'em, but even so.

No, they've gone home now, thank goodness.

I'll be leaving in a few minutes, honey.

I've just got to wait and see what Mr. Brady thought

of the opening monologue.

Because I'm the head writer.

[door opening]

Heh, heh, head writer.

I'll call you back, honey.

Did Mr. Brady see the script?

Mm-hmm.

Well, what'd he think of it?

This answer your question?

Did Mr. Brady you do that?

Yes, and he didn't even finish reading it.

He expected a fresh approach from you,

unless you call those tired, old automobile jokes original.

Well, no, no!

I--

You handed them in, didn't you?

Well, yeah, I did, but--

You better come up with something fresh by tomorrow.

Alan's beginning to think he made a mistake.

What, a mistake?

Giving you the job.

By the way, where's Sally and Buddy?

Well, they went out.

They went out for some coffee.

They'll be-- they'll be back, and we'll get a right--

right on this, Mr. Cooley.

See you in the morning.

Try to remember why you were hired.

Goodnight, Bob. - Rob.

Rob.

Yeah, goodnight, Rob.

Boy, Alan is sure taking a long time reading those jokes.

Maybe his interpreter didn't show up.

Listen, they're all great jokes.

At most, he'll throw out one or two.

Miss Rogers, Mr. Sorrell, I think there's something

I better explain to you.

You don't have to explain anything.

You talked the producer into making you the head writer.

We understand.

Sure, we understand.

About this opening--

He liked it, huh?

Liked it?

He loved it!

Naturally.

Yeah, you stick with us, kid.

What a fabulous idea, a shiny new car doing a monologue.

Alan can't wait to perform it!

Brilliant!

Brilliant.

You three make a great team.

I must say I'm pleasantly surprised.

Well, mis-- um.

Uh.

Rob, Alan never got to see the opening jokes we wrote, did he?

Did Alan crumple this?

Yup, that's Alan crumple.

I'd know it any place.

Drop it.

Last night, a few minutes after you

left, Mr. Cooley came, and he wanted a whole new opening bit.

So I had to take a chance and type my notes up.

And you put our names on it.

Well, yeah, I think that anything that comes out

of this office comes from us.

You know, I mean all of us.

I would never have thought of a car bit

if you hadn't mentioned cars in the first place.

And I-- I have to admit that by putting your names on it,

if Alan hated it, I wouldn't have to take all the blame.

[laughs]

Ooh!

And my favorite paperclip.

Here we are, darling, all ready.

Uh, I don't feel like eating.

But Rob, darling, it's your favorite.

It's franks and beans and sauerkraut.

Look here.

Aw.

Huh.

[chuckles] See that?

Right there, that's the way it used to be right there.

That's the way what used to be?

Buddy and Sally and I-- we were a team, just like franks

and beans and sauerkraut.

Well, now there's a team that sticks together.

You can't break a team like that up.

Let me show you something.

Look, does that look right?

Huh?

Does that look right to you?

Yeah.

The hot dog sitting at home out of work

while the beans and sauerkraut are downtown laughing at him.

Rob, you're not making any sense.

Yes, I am too making sense, honey.

Buddy and Sally and I, we're a team.

We're like-- like Laurel and Hardy were a team.

They stuck together, those two guys.

They were a team.

If they had a fight, if one of them walked out on something,

the other would walk right out with him.

Yeah, darling, that's true.

Listen, honey, people are either together

or they're not together.

We're together, right?

Right.

We're a team, right?

Right.

All right, then.

If you and I had a big fight and I said I'm walking out,

wouldn't you walk right out with me?

Rob, that's ridiculous!

Well, I know it is, honey.

You see how upset they got me.

Laura, I'm hurt.

I'm very hurt.

Darling, don't you want your beans and sauerkraut?

ROB: Don't bring those traitors in this bedroom!

Morning, honey.

Good morning, darling.

What's this, breakfast in the dining room?

Well, I figured since you're a man of leisure now,

we'd have breakfast like they do in the movies.

Sure, why not?

Why not?

Every day will be Sunday.

Boy, what a day this is going to be-- no work,

no running for the 814.

That's my Rob.

Any calls?

Darling, it's only 7:30 in the morning.

Yeah.

Well, that's it.

If they haven't called by now, forget it.

- Want some toast? - Sure.

Why not?

I'm not going anyplace.

Light or dark?

Dark, I got plenty of time.

Three-minute eggs?

5-minute eggs, 10-minute eggs!

I've got nothing to look forward to for my whole life.

[phone rings]

Aha!

Ha!

I knew they'd call.

[laughs] There's a lot more involved here

than a 17-minute sketch, honey.

Hello? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

Millie wants to know if you've got any liver in the freezer.

Millie?

Yeah, I've got some.

Oh, good.

I'll call you back.

How about that?

After four weeks, their cat came back.

Sure, cats come back.

They come back.

They're loyal.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it, honey. - Oh, would you, darling?

I think it's the laundry man.

Just give him the bag on the chair.

OK.

No starch.

I--

Oh.

- May I come in? - Yeah.

Yeah, come on in.

Thank you.

Hello, Mel.

Laura.

Would you like some coffee?

No, thank you.

Rob, I'd like you to come back to work right now, today.

Mel, you don't need me.

You got Buddy and Sally still down.

And they're very, very talented, not loyal, but talented.

Uh, Rob, I reread your script.

Perhaps I was a little hasty.

True, the sketch is about a brother-in-law,

but that's where the resemblance ends.

He was a parasite.

He didn't do any work.

But I earn my money.

Believe me, I earn in aggravation alone.

First you quit.

That was a matter of principle.

And then Buddy and Sally quit.

I had a full head of hair when I started this job!

Buddy and Sally quit?

Well, they stayed for a while, tried to convince me

you were right.

And then they left.

Rob, I'm going to submit that script to Alan.

Let it stand or fall on its own merit.

Buddy and Sally quit.

What do you say, Rob?

How do you like that?

The beans and the sauerkraut came through.

Oh.

I always dress for breakfast, Mel.

It give the neighborhood a little class.

I had this ready for you, too.

Oh, thanks!

Oh, darling, would you drop this off on your way?

Cat's waiting.

Well, does Alan know anything about what

happened in here yesterday? - Nah.

Nah.

Well, look, don't tell him about it, will you not?

I don't want to get Mel in trouble.

He's a little overbearing at times, but he can't help it.

Sure he can help.

He could stay home.

Don't worry about Mel.

I had a talk with him, and I promised him

we wouldn't say a word to Alan.

You talked things over with Mel?

Yeah, of course I did most of the talking.

But I told him we wouldn't tell Alan how he almost ruined

the show, but I worked it out so he'd

do a couple of things for me.

What could Mel do for you?

[tapping on door]

I think he's doing it right now.

What, pounding his head against the door?

Tell him to keep pounding.

It might come out the shape he likes it.

Tomorrow, cold Vichyssoise, chicken a la king,

and any fruit that's not in season.

Oh, you little blackmailer, you.

[theme music playing]