All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e15

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK, here's a word, hiccup.

Two Cs in hiccup.

This is a small hiccup.

Look, Daddy, Aunt Pickles and Uncle Buddy.

Well, what do you know, a picture of Pickles and Buddy.

Oh, let me see.

How come they get their pictures in the paper?

Well, it says they went to an opening night.

Buddy Sorrell, well-known writer of the Alan Brady show,

and his wife Pickles Conway, former showgirl.

Hey, how come he got his picture in the paper?

He's not such big news.

Oh, his press agent probably put it in.

The way it's phrased here, it sounds like he writes the Alan

Brady show all by himself. - Yeah.

JERRY: Hey, Rob, why don't you get a press agent

and straighten this out?

Well, it's not that important.

Well, it never hurts to get your name

and picture in the paper.

Like [inaudible] Siegel's father

got his name in the paper too.

Mr. Siegel, the man who lives on the next block?

Yeah. LAURA: What did he do?

Someone stole his cat.

ROB: Stole his cat?

Let me see that, Rich.

Here, see?

What do you know?

Was I right, Daddy, someone stole his cat?

Uh, hey, Rich, is it getting late?

Yeah, boy, it is late.

I tell you, Rich, if you're in bed in two minutes,

you can have this cupcake.

Oh, boy.

Ritchie, you just brushed your teeth.

I'll put it under my pillow for the morning.

What, Rich, better take a cookie.

It's already flat.

RITCHIE: OK.

Be in in a minute, dear.

RITCHIE: OK.

Rob, what is it you didn't want Rich to hear?

We have got a cat burglar in the neighborhood.

You mean somebody busted in the Siegel's house?

Yeah, and officially made away with two oil paintings, a TV

set, and a set of silverware.

Oh, my goodness, a thief on our street in this day and age?

That's terrible. - No clues?

No.

Siegel claims no one heard anything, not even a car motor.

Jerry, I want to move.

I don't want to live in a neighborhood

where people can sneak into your house without making a sound.

Now, calm down, Millie.

Nobody's sneaking into our house.

Yeah, that's probably what Mr Siegel told his wife.

Let me see that.

Rob, the thief wouldn't come back to the same neighborhood,

would he?

Well, that's very unlikely.

It's the fourth house, the fourth house he broke

into in this neighborhood.

really

How do you like that?

They can cure the common cold, and they can't catch a crook.

They can't cure the common cold.

You see?

They can't do anything.

I want to move.

We're not moving.

I'll take care of him.

If he comes near our house, he'll wish he hadn't.

You're not going to bring one of your rifles into our bedroom

again?

Well, just for a couple of nights.

Listen, I'm warning you.

I will not sleep in the same room with a rifle.

I'm not going to use it.

Then why have one?

Well, because it's a great deterrent.

Hey, Rob, why don't I lend you one of my rifles?

No, thanks.

I'm not expecting any burglars.

Wouldn't do any harm if Jerry lent you an empty rifle.

That's a great idea, great idea.

Rob, I'll drop off one of my .22s.

I don't need any rifle.

All this talk is making me nervous.

I want to go home. - Wait a minute, Millie.

It's early.

I haven't even had coffee yet.

You and I are going to start closing,

locking, and bolting things.

I'm sorry, Laura.

Boy, oh, boy, every year she gets more and more nervous.

That's because you keep bringing

explosives into our bedroom.

All right, goodnight.

Honey, what explosives.

It's just a .22.

That was a short evening.

How about some coffee?

What makes you think that we need a rifle in this house?

Well, Darling, it's just all that talk about the burglar

made me a little jumpy.

Well, I mean, you have any doubts that I can handle myself

in a situation like that?

No, Darling, well, it's just that--

Well, do you think that I can't--

I can't protect my own home and family

without some crazy rifle?

Darling, of course not.

Yeah, you-- you-- you'd feel-- you'd feel

a lot safer if I was a more aggressive type, wouldn't you?

Now, why would I want you to be that?

I don't know.

But I'd get my picture in the paper like Buddy?

Darling, believe me, I'm happy with you as you are.

If you never got your picture in the paper,

I'd probably still stay married to you.

Yeah, you know something, I hope that burglar

shows up here tonight.

Rob, why do you feel we need a burglar here?

Well, for two good reasons, if I caught a burglar,

I'd prove to you I can protect my home

and my family without a rifle.

And I'd get some free publicity in the newspaper

without a press agent.

Darling, you don't have to prove anything to me.

Now, how about that coffee?

No, thanks.

Well, good.

Then we're all set for breakfast.

How about some television.

OK, let's watch it in bed.

That way I can read at the same time.

OK. And Honey, you go ahead.

I'll check Rich.

Yeah, Rob, will you, uh, check all the doors?

Honey, will you stop worrying about a prowler.

At Camp Crowder, I was boxing champ of my barracks.

OK, champ.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[sighs]

Goodnight, Darling.

Goodnight.

[distant clatter]

Rob.

Hmm?

I heard a noise.

There it is again.

Shh.

Go, Rob.

Don't shoot!

The silver's in the dining room.

JERRY: It's me, Jerry, your neighbor.

Relax, Honey, it's Jerry, our neighbor.

Hi.

What in the devil do you think you're doing?

Well, uh, Rob, I didn't want to ring the bell

and wake up Ritchie.

So you decided to shoot a gun off in the room.

Well, Rob, I--

I just wanted to give you this.

Listen, I spoke with the police.

And they're not as sure as we are that that burglar

won't come around here again.

Just take it, Rob, for one night.

It'll make me feel better.

If you aren't the insistent one.

Thanks, Rob.

Oh, and-- and here.

Here's some bullets.

I don't want any bullets.

Well, just take one.

All right, Jerry, I'll take one bullet.

That's good.

I'm a firm believer in preventive medicine.

Oh, Laura, I hope I didn't disturb you.

Uh, not at all, Jerry.

It was a wonderful surprise.

So long.

I know you'll be thankful for this.

Yes, goodnight, Jerry.

What are you going to do with that gun?

I'm going to hide it where nobody will get hurt.

Honey, take this bullet.

[whimpers] Just-- just hide it.

Just hide it somewhere.

I'm going to stage this in the hall closet.

Boy, that Jerry is not happy unless everybody

does everything his way.

[jewelry box music playing]

I thought you were going to put the gun in the closet.

I changed my mind, Honey.

Ritchie might get up early and find it.

Be safer in here.

Oh, Rob, do you really think a burglar is going to come here?

No, Honey.

I don't think a burglar is going to come-- look,

he's burgled four nights in a row now.

He's got to take a night off some time.

His wife will kill him.

[thunk]

[gasps]

Rob, somebody is trying to get into our house.

Shh, shh, shh.

I don't think anybody is trying to get in.

I think somebody is trying to get out.

[whimpers]

What are you going to do with the gun?

Shh, I'm going out there.

And I hope whoever's there is as scared as I am.

Where did you put the bullet?

What are you going to do with it?

If he runs, I'll fire it in the air.

Where's the bullet?

It's in my jewelry box.

Oh, Rob.

Shh.

[jewelry box music playing]

[rustling]

[music playing]

Rob, be careful.

[jewelry box music continues]

[thunk]

Don't move.

[door closes]

[knocking]

Don't move.

I got you covered.

[grunts]

Don't shoot.

[clunk]

[thunk]

[yelps]

[crash]

Rob, don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

It's me, Laura-- Laura You

Honey, take it easy, honey.

[crying]

Honey, why didn't you--

Well, why didn't you?

Well, I didn't know.

Oh.

Oh, boy, that does.

What are you doing?

I'm going to take this thing and hide

it where nobody gets hurt.

It isn't safe carrying one of these loaded things

around a house.

Somebody you love very much might shoot himself.

Yeah.

LAURA: Rob, will you put the muffins in the oven please?

Sure.

Come on, Rich.

You're going to be late for school.

RITCHIE: OK, Mommy.

Hey, I didn't scare you badly enough

last night to change any of those brown beauties

to white, did I?

I don't think so, dear.

Oh, I feel so silly prowling around

here like a phantom burglar all night.

It was pretty awful.

[phone rings]

I get that.

OK, I'll take Rich.

Hey, Rich, come on.

You're' going to be late for school.

RITCHIE: OK.

LAURA: Hello.

Millie?

Millie, calm down a minute.

I-- oh, my goodness, your good silverware?

Yeah.

What-- what happened? What is it?

It's Millie.

The cat burglar got their silverware last night.

Yeah, Millie. No, no.

I'll let Rob talk to them. It's the police.

They want to talk to us.

What? the police?

Yes, sir.

Well, uh, yeah. No-- no, sir.

Well, we thought-- we thought that he had

come here last night, but I got up

and I made an exhaustive search.

And it was negative, Lieutenant.

Well, uh, I don't know.

I'll check.

Honey, do we still have the silverware?

[gasps]

She's checking, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Still here.

Wh-- TV set?

Wait a minute.

Yeah, still here.

Why?

Is that the only thing he ever takes?

Oh, a specialist, huh?

You're welcome, Lieutenant.

Anytime.

Poor Millie.

She was so upset.

You want breakfast?

No, just a muffin and coffee, hon.

You know, that noise we heard last night

was probably the cat burglar.

Well, it could be.

Might as well eat in the dining room.

It's all set from last night.

Oh, good idea.

Jam's on the counter.

Oh, OK.

[thunk]

Honey-- honey, would you come in here a minute?

LAURA: What is it?

Wh-- what did-- what did you do

with the-- the dining room set?

LAURA: Rob, what are you talking about?

Rob, where is our dining room set?

Uh, somebody took it.

How could somebody take our dining room set?

[interposing voices] - I don't know, Honey.

Just relax.

There's a very easy explanation for this whole thing.

We've been robbed.

Who are you calling?

I'm going to call Millie.

Maybe the police are still there.

Now, the front door was bolted from the inside.

I don't see how he got the furniture out of here.

Ah, well, neither do I. You say you didn't

hear a truck or a car motor.

No, neither one of us heard a [shutter click] thing.

I don't see-- and he couldn't have got that table out

through a window.

No, he couldn't.

You write the Alan Brady show, don't you?

Yes.

Yeah, that's right, I do.

Please, the press can question Mr. Petrie after I'm

through with him, huh?

OK.

Now, Mr. Petrie, you're in show business, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

This wouldn't be a publicity stunt, would it?

Publicity stunt?

That's ridiculous.

But you wouldn't object to the newspapers printing

those pictures they just took.

Now, wait just a minute, Lieutenant.

Officer, I happen to know how my neighbor

feels about publicity.

Why, just last night, we were kidding

him about how his writing staff gets

more publicity than he does. - Jerry.

- But he was saying. - Jerry.

Huh?

That's very interesting.

Lieutenant, my husband doesn't want publicity.

He wants his table and chairs.

Honey, I know how to say it.

Lieutenant, I don't want any publicity.

I want my table and chairs.

Yeah, of course you do.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Now, Mr. Petrie, how about another

picture, right here at the scene of the crime.

Now, just a minute.

This whole thing has gone a little too far.

I don't want any more pictures. I don't--

Smile.

Aha, well, that'll be all for now.

If I hear anything, I'll let you know.

Well, what about my table?

We'll let you know.

Good night Mr. Petrie, Mrs. Petrie.

Wh-- boy, how do you like that guy.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Laura?

What is it?

Well, where is the key to the tool shed?

It's hanging on mail out--

why do you want the key to the tool shed.

Those handy men who clean up our backyard last week

left some cartons in the shed.

And they're here to finish up now.

Of course.

Honey, stall them until I get home.

Why?

If you'll just do as I say, I think I can

solve our dining set mystery.

Now, just stall them.

How will I keep them here?

I don't know.

Tell them you want them to take our bedroom set.

Our bedroom set?

Yeah, tell them-- tell them we're tired of it.

Tell them it's cluttering up the whole bedroom.

Tell them anything, honey.

Just stall them.

Marge, I want you to call the Westchester police

and have them up at my house in a half an hour.

Just call the police.

I'll explain it later.

Is Rob going crazy?

I don't know.

But he better get here soon.

One more piece and they'll be finished.

Laura.

Rob, how did you get in the house?

I parked down the block and came

in the rear basement window. Are they finished in there yet.

Not quite.

Rob, what's all this about?

I'm getting scared.

Honey, just trust me. [vehicle doors closing]

I'll prot-- oh, oh.

Well, that would shake my faith.

Rob, what are you doing?

Catching crooks.

OK, you guys. It's a trap.

It's all over. - Rob.

Honey, there's nothing to be frightened ab-- oh, Lieutenant,

am I glad to see you.

Huh?

Right in there, your friendly neighborhood burglars.

You're-- you going to shoot the lock off?

Don't you have a key?

Yeah, I always thought you guys

[imitates gunshot] shot 'em.

OK, take them.

We took them.

Where did you take them?

Coming out the window.

Next time you lock a burglar in your bedroom,

you be sure the windows are all locked.

Oh, yeah, I sure will.

You mean those men were the burglars?

Yeah, that's right.

We've been tailing them all morning, watching

them collect evidence for us.

Well, where's our dining room set?

Well at--

Well, the night that--

oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

May I?

Enjoy yourself.

Everybody sit down.

Are you going to love this.

When you called me and told me the handyman were here

to pick up the junk they left here last week,

everything fell right into place.

Now, this is the way I figure it.

The night of the burglary, they broke in here, they came over,

and they dismantled our dining room set and hid

the pieces in the toolshed.

Wh-- wh-- You're going to love this.

Wait.

Why did they hide it in the tool shed?

Well, so they can come back today with a truck.

And then, as clean up men, they could pick it up.

LAURA: Oh.

Watch the step.

I saw it.

Come here, everybody.

You're going to love this.

See, they get all the pieces of the stolen

dining table in these old cartons,

covered up with all this debris.

And right there is one of our dining table legs.

Then you mean the rest of the set's out in the toolshed.

Precisely.

And my silverware?

It's probably out in your toolshed, Millie.

Well, we don't have a toolshed.

Well, the-- oh, uh, where do you think it is, Lieutenant?

Probably in one of the other cartons.

It's probably in one of the other cartons, Millie.

I'm going to go look, right now.

But why did they try to steal our dining room set?

Probably for publicity, huh, Lieutenant?

Yeah, you're right.

I am?

Yeah, very often a criminal will attempt something

big and dramatic just for the thrill of reading

about it in the papers.

Yeah, like that guy that stole the ferry boat

and sailed it up the Hudson.

Yeah, the drama of it intrigues them.

That's it.

They're intrigued by all that drama.

Well, I guess I can bring your things back in now.

Yes, well, I guess you can wipe this one off the blotter,

huh, Lieutenant?

It's a Mark-7.

Mark-7?

Well, I don't know.

10-4?

10-4?

What is it you guys say when-- when a case is solved?

The case is solved.

Thanks a lot, Lieutenant.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Interesting case.

Yeah.

[door closes]

The case is solved, Honey.

Watch it. Easy.

I want to keep it quiet.

It's my husband's day off.

There you go.

You'll have it back by next weekend, won't you?

I'm expecting company.

Thank you.

It's impossible.

It's impossible.

They struck again.

See about that.

Operator, give me the police.

Hello?

Police station, I would like to report a burglary.

That's right.

Somebody broke into my house and stole my sofa.

That's what I said, a sofa, a 9 foot curved couch.

No, sir.

This is not a gag.

Rob, I didn't know you were up.

Who are you calling?

The police, who do think?

Why didn't you wake me up?

No, sir.

I am not a practical joker.

And I am not a drunk.

If you don't believe me, you may come

down here and see for yourself.

Take my name and address, and I'll show you.

Where there was once a beautiful curved sofa

is now a large, gaping hole in my living room.

My name--

- Rob, hang up. - What?

I sent it out to be recovered.

You what?

My name?

Hey, listen, Sergeant, uh, uh, what--

I better-- I better double check.

I might have misplaced it or something.

Oh, here it is now.

There-- my wife's bringing it in.

Well, I guess that wraps up another caper, huh?

It's a Mark-7-- no, a 10-4.

Uh, the case is solved.

Honey, why didn't you warn me?

I did, Darling, last night.

You just forgot.

I did not forget.

Honey, how could I forget a 9 foot sofa, for crying out loud.

See, you forgot again.

I did not forget.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm just going back to bed.

[music playing]