All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e05

♪♪

Rob, I cannot do this job without you.

Most of these things are yours.

Honey, why don't you leave all that junk in the closet?

Because that's just it. Most of it's junk

and we need the closet space.

Then just dump it all.

Some of this stuff you might want to keep.

Honey, you're the keeper. I'm the thrower, remember?

Dump it all out.

All of it? Yeah, dump it all.

Okay, you're the boss. We'll start with this.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not throwing away my army coat.

Sarge, my orders were to dump it all.

I don't care. You're not throwing my army coat out.

You don't plan to reenlist, do you?

Honey, that's government issue.

Put it on, Daddy.

I want to see how you looked

when you were a soldier.

Okay, Rich. It may not fit like it did in the army.

Oh, honey, come on. If we try on everything,

we're gonna be here all night.

Hey, look at that. It still doesn't fit,

just like it didn't fit when I was in the service.

Hey, look here.

My old petit cap.

Hey, baby, how about a kiss?

Oh, Rob.

Hey, you want to give a soldier a kiss, little boy?

( LAUGHS )

Boy, Daddy, you're a funny soldier.

Honey, I can't throw this away.

There's too many good laughs left in it.

All right. you see why I need you here?

Oh, yeah.

Honey, what's in the box? What box?

This box right here.

It's just a shoebox, that's all.

It's a pretty funny-looking shoebox. What's in it?

What do you think would be in a funny-looking shoebox?

Funny-looking old shoes.

Then why are you saving them? Throw them out.

They're just Ritchie's baby shoes.

I want to see them!

I want to see how little my feets were!

Me, too. No, if we examine everything,

we're going to be here forever.

We'll look real fast. Won't we, Rich?

Yeah, Mommy. We'll look at 'em real fast.

All right.

There they are.

Look at that, Rich. Would you ever believe

your foot was that size?

Gee, they're small. They're too soft.

Well, Rich, all baby shoes are soft.

Not my friend Freddy's.

He wore iron shoes.

Iron shoes?

No, Rich. Freddy didn't have iron shoes.

His daddy had 'em bronzed to preserve them

as a remembrance of Freddy when he was a baby.

Why didn't you bronze mine?

Don't you want to remember me?

Of course we do. That's why we kept those.

You know something?

It's an awful big box for such little baby shoes.

Rob, give-- What else is in here?

Aw, honey.

You saved my combat boots.

Look, Rich, Mommy didn't have mine bronzed, either.

I don't know why I kept them.

I do. Why, Daddy?

Because your mommy is sentimental, that's why.

Rich, you see those boots?

Those are the boots I was wearing

when I stepped on your mommy's foot

and broke her toes.

Did Daddy really break your toes, Mommy?

Yes, he did.

Why did you break Mommy's toes?

I didn't do it on purpose, Rich. it was an accident.

Your mommy used to dance with the U.S.O. show.

No, Daddy! What do you mean, no?

It's not "U.S.O." It's "U.S.A."

Oh. no, Rich.

"U.S.O." Means "United Service Organization".

They used to go around putting on shoes for all the soldiers.

And your mommy danced in those shows.

It was the first time I ever saw your mommy.

Did you like Mommy when you first saw her?

I sure did. I remember the first time I saw her,

I was waking in the rec hall one night,

and the U.S.O. show was just rehearsing on the stage.

( WHISTLES )

Hi, Solly, how's it going? Good show tonight?

I don't know, Sarge. All they keep doin' is them crazy exercises.

Hey, you gonna entertain tonight?

No, I'm just gonna introduce the numbers.

Ain't you even gonna do your drunk bit?

Sol, this is a U.S.O. show. They don't need me.

I love-- I love that drunk bit.

I could watch you do it every night.

Hey, Sarge, give me the face.

A little bit-- The face. Sol, come on.

Come on, the face, the face, the face!

A little face. Here, do the face.

Do the face. All right, I'll do the drunk.

( SQUEALING ) Yeah.

( SLURRING ) Hey, baby, how about a little kiss?

Sol, who is that girl?

No, not that girl. Not that girl, Sarge.

You're gonna wait your turn with that girl.

She's as stuck-up as they come, that girl.

What makes you think she's so stuck-up? I know her.

I know that girl. I talked to her.

I went right up to her, polite-like, nice,

and I said to her, "How do you do, sweetie?

"How about you and I hop down to the P.X.,

"and I'll spring for a couple of beers,

"and then, if I'm not too drunk,

"then I'll, uh--I'll heist the weapons carrier

and we'll take a spin around the obstacle course?"

You know, nice.

Well, Sarge, that girl--stuck-up--

comes back with an answer that you'd never believe.

What did she say?

She said, "No, thank you."

Sol, what is so stuck-up about that?

What's so-- Sarge, she was sent by the U.S.O.

To entertain the troops, right?

Right.

Well, ain't I a troop?

Yeah, you're a troop. Maybe she had a date or something.

You know something? She's pretty good.

Hey, sweetie. This is my friend Rob Petrie.

He's got eyes for you. How about the three of us

go down for a couple of beers later? What do you say?

No, thank you.

Hmm! "No, thank you." See what I mean?

You didn't believe me, right?

Stuck-up? ( WHISTLES )

Sol, I gotta meet that girl.

Sarge, what for?

Any girl that won't go for a ride in a weapons carrier

and doesn't like beer--beer!

You're wasting your time, Sarge.

You're wasting your time.

Oh, but what a way to waste it.

( WHISTLING )

Hi there. I believe you dropped your sneakers.

No, I'm wearing my sneakers.

Are you sure these aren't yours?

Your name's in them. Marcia Rochelle.

My name happens to be Laura Meeker.

Oh, hi there. I'm Rob Petrie.

I'm going to be emceeing the show tonight.

How would you like for me to show you around the camp?

Well, I'm sorry, but I never go around camp

with people who steal other people's sneakers.

What's the matter with a sneaker sneak thief?

So you admit you stole Marcia's sneakers?

To meet you, I would've stolen Marcia.

Now, how about tonight, Laura Meeker?

No, Sergeant, thank you very much.

Come on, give me one good reason

why you won't go out with me tonight.

I'll give you two. First of all,

we are not allowed to date servicemen.

Servicemen? This is merely a temporary disguise

with which to fool the enemy.

Underneath this uniform beats the heart

of a 100% confirmed civilian

who attended the University of Illinois,

majoring in dramatics and journalism

and English and all intellectual stuff like that.

It may interest you to know

that I don't smoke or drink or bite my nails.

I don't tell unsavory jokes in mixed company.

And, uh, about complaining-- I'm very easy to live with.

I can go for a whole week with a whole in my sock,

you wouldn't hear a word out of me.

As far as entertainment is concerned,

we'll see nothing but June Allyson pictures. All right?

And when it comes to the guest list for the wedding,

you can invite all the people you want to from your side of the family,

as long as I reserve the right to have either my father or my mother.

Now, when your mother comes to live with us,

she'll be as welcome as the flowers in the spring.

Now, what's the second reason?

I don't like you.

At all!

Just because I make a rotten first impression!

Ask anybody!

Yeah, he makes a rotten first impression!

The girls flip for him!

There's a blond beer lady at the P.X... Sol!

Who told me that-- I'm trying to fix it for you.

Stop trying to fix it for me, will you?

Sarge, Sarge, Sarge, I don't know

what you're knocking yourself out for.

Can't you see she's a cold potato?

Sol, my boy,

you add a little mayonnaise,

some spices, some celery and egg,

and a cold potato becomes a...

( SMACKS LIPS ) Delicious potato salad.

Yeah, yeah.

I could sure go for a hot pastrami sandwich now.

Wanna eat? No.

Oh, there they are.

Oh, they fell out of your bag.

I was just coming after you.

Well, aren't you nice?

You don't know how nice he really is.

He makes a rotten first impression.

His name is Rob Petrie,

and I'm his best buddy, Sol Pomeroy. Hello.

How do you do? My name is--

Marcie Rochelle. How did you know?

I read your sneaker.

Too cute.

Say, what are you fellas doing here?

We're in the army. He's a sergeant,

and I'm a--well, I'm nothing yet.

I know that. Do you work here at the recreation hall?

Yeah, we work here. I pull the curtain.

I'm a curtain-puller,

and also I'm the stage manager back here.

I sew, I do everything.

And Rob-- I'm the reporter.

Oh, you are? Yes, I'm the reporter

for the Camp Crowder Gazette.

That's great! Yes.

I'm, uh, doing an article about your show

for the camp newspaper, and I thought maybe you could tell me something

about some of the other people in the show, and yourself.

I'd love to. Fine.

Sol, would you go get the camp photographer?

Have him report here, please. Photographer?

Yes, I want to take some cheesecake pictures of Miss Rochelle.

I have a camera-- Would you get the photographer?

Photog--

oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, yeah, cheesecake-- Oh, yes, I'm going!

And now, Miss Rochelle, if you'll just sit down over here,

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Where do all you girls come from?

We're from all different places.

Phyllis is from Brooklyn,

I'm from the Bronx,

and Laura's from Brooklyn.

All spread out there, aren't you?

How did you all ever get together?

See, I had a theatrical agent

in the Strand Theatre building--

Just a moment. Miss Rochelle, I tell you what--

Let's get the other girls out of the way

so I can concentrate on you.

You're cute.

Now, this Laura you mentioned--

Do you happen to know what her hobbies are?

She collects recipes. Recipes, huh?

She's always ripping them out of newspapers.

Last Sunday, there was a meatloaf in the back of Li'l Abner.

And, you know, I never did find out

if Moonbeam Mcswine trapped him in the pigsty.

"Mcswine...pigsty."

Do you happen to know what her favorite songs are?

Songs. Say, why don't you ask her yourself?

I'd much rather be talking to you.

You're cute.

Well, so much for Laura.

Let's talk about you now.

Uh, in your opinion, what kind of a guy

do you think this Laura might go for?

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You're interested in her!

I think you've got some nerve!

Miss Rochelle, you don't understand. It's for the paper.

Where you goin', doll? Hey, don't go away!

He makes a rotten first impression! Sol!

But the girls love him! There's a blond lady at the P.X.--

Sol, will you forget it?

No? No? No.

Now, where am I gonna get a cookbook?

What are you gonna do, bake her a cake?

No, Sol, it seems that our little Miss Stuck-up

likes to collect recipes.

I've got the idea that I can use all this information

to trap that cute little brown-eyed mouse.

Sarge-- But how to set the bait?

That's gonna be my problem.

No, Sergeant, that's not your problem.

Your problem is that you suffer from an inflated ego.

You think you're irresistible, don't you?

Well, you may be irresistible to big, blond beer maids,

but I have never met a more resistible person in my life!

No, that's only the first impression!

If you could only meet people the second time first.

Sol, if she's that pretty when she's angry,

imagine what she looks like when she's smiling.

Sarge, Sarge, Sarge, do yourself a favor.

Forget that girl.

For-- Sol, that is the girl

I am going to marry.

Well, if you're gonna marry her--

Marry?! Yeah, that's a great idea!

That'll give her a chance to get to know you better!

( LAUGHING )

When did you break Mommy's toes?

Well, I'm coming to that.

Ohh, that's the good part.

Well, a little while later,

after mom had finished rehearsing her dance routine,

I went up to mama's dancing partner...

( VOCALIZING )

Oh, that's gonna work fine.

Thanks. I gotta go get my hair set.

Okay, see you tonight.

Hi. Oh, hi.

I'm Rob Petrie. I'll be emceeing the show tonight.

Is there anything you'd like me to say about your dance number?

Well, just say it's a song and dance

to be done by Laura Meeker and Mark Mullen,

and, uh, the name of tune is you wonderful you.

Oh, great song. Yeah, real good one.

Say, Mark...I wonder if you could do me a favor.

You know, I work here at the rec hall.

The guys see me night after night,

and they get so sick of seeing the same thing all the time.

You know that routine you do?

If I could learn a couple of those steps--

I wouldn't steal the whole routine or anything.

Heh. Go ahead, steal it.

We stole it from Gene Kelly.

I know the beginning, but you know the break you do? I can't get it.

Oh, sure, I can show you that. Come on.

It's pretty easy. She comes on first,

then I-- Well, look, let me show you the break.

It goes like this. And...

( VOCALIZING )

Now try it.

Let's see. and...

( BOTH VOCALIZING )

Oh, that's fine. Hey, Diz, let's go from the top.

( PIANO PLAYING )

Hey, you really did steal it, didn't you?

That's fine. Now, here comes the break.

Break.

( CHEERING AND WHISTLING )

All right, now, here-- MAN: More! More! More!

All right, I'm gonna give you some more.

You're not rid of me yet. Here's an impression

of an airplane that is lost.

An airplane that is lost.

( IMITATING PLANE ENGINE )

( LAUGHTER AND CHEERING )

We got a--

All right, all right. One more, one more.

Here it is. A half-man/half-woman.

A half-man/half-woman. Man on this side.

Muscles, five o'clock shadow all over.

On this side, feminine, with long, golden curls.

And it walks something like this.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERING AND WHISTLING )

What? The pickpocket!

Oh, the pickpocket. All right, the pickpocket.

Here, a very bad pick-on--

( LAUGHS ) Pickpocket. Pickpocket.

A very bad pickpocket.

( LAUGHTER AND CHEERING )

Okay, now-- We got acts.

We got a lot of acts tonight.

MAN: The fighter! The fighter?

( LAUGHS ) All right. A fighter

out on the road, doing his road work.

Doing his road work.

And his manager's driving in the car behind him.

"Well, boss, won't be long now.

"Come thursday, I'll be the new world champion.

"Or is that come Wednesday, I'll be the new world champion?

"When's the fight? When--

Hey, boss, is the fight-- aaaah!"

( LAUGHTER AND CHEERING )

Listen, we've got a great act. We've got a great act.

No, wait a minute. I want you to give a real camp crowder welcome

to these guys--

Larry Spud, his Idaho potatoes,

playing the french fried blues!

Let's hear it!

( CHEERING )

( WHISTLES )

Oh, great. You were great.

They love you. Them dog-faces, they love you.

Now if I can just get that doll-face to love me.

She's on in five minutes. I gotta tell her.

Let me do it, Sol, please.

LAURA: Yes? ( MUFFLED SHOUTS )

What?

Five minutes, Miss Meeker.

Boy, you really got her on the brain, don't you?

I told you, Sol, that's the girl I want to marry.

Marry? Heh heh!

I think you're really serious. Of course I am.

I want to get that girl to say, "I do."

Heh! "I do"? You can't even get her to say hello.

I admit, she doesn't notice me so far.

Oh, she's noticed you. She just don't like what she's noticed.

Don't worry. I'm gonna get to her. I've got a plan.

Sol, how much money have you got?

Money? Yeah, money. How much you got?

Well...I got about 25.

Good. Uh, Mark, could I see you just a second?

Give it to me.

What's your plan? You gonna buy her?

Something like that.

Mark, could I ask you a personal question?

How much do you get for doing the act?

Too darn little. 85 bucks a week, plus expenses.

85. That'd be about... 17 bucks a show, huh?

Yeah, what are you getting at?

You get $17 to dance with Laura.

I'll give you 50 bucks not to.

$50? You want me to throw the dance for $50?

No, no. I want you to let me dance with her.

Mark, I gotta talk to that girl.

I know the routine well enough to fake it. What do you say?

For $50, you could go on for me every night.

Oh, Mark, you don't know what you've just done for me.

Joplin, here I come.

Miss Meeker? You're on.

Oh, Sol, buddy, you're gonna be the best man.

Ooh! You made me stick myself! I'm sorry.

( CROWD LAUGHING )

Now I'll press it a little bit.

Hope the iron's hot.

ROB: Let's hear it again for larry spud

and his Idaho potatoes.

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

All right, wait a minute.

Now we've got a big surprise for you,

a bit of a surprise, I must say.

Originally scheduled in this spot on the show

was to be Miss Laura Meeker and Mark Mullen doing a soft-shoe routine.

Unfortunately, Mark just fell down and sprained his ankle.

He will not be able to perform this evening. I'm sorry.

( CROWD BOOING )

Mark? Mark?

( WHISTLES ) Mark?

However, we have prevailed

upon one of our own G.I. staff sergeants

to step into this spot for Mark,

and I think any guy who has the courage and the unselfishness

to jump into a spot like this deserves a big hand.

What do you say? Let's hear it.

Wonderful, wonderful!

All right, now, here they are--

Miss Laura Meeker and that wonderful staff sergeant,

doing a soft-shoe to the song you wonderful you.

Let's hear it.

Incidentally, this is the first time that a soft-shoe

will be done in combat boots.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

I know you're mad, but the show must go on.

I'll go on, all right, alone!

You set one foot on that stage, I'll have you court-martialed!

I know the number.

( CHEERING AND WHISTLING )

( CHEERING )

Why do you hate me?

Doesn't everyone?

What can I do to make you like me?

Get off the stage.

Now that you like me, will you marry me?

Don't answer now. We'll wait till the dance is finished.

♪ I'm glad I met you

♪ Wonderful is the only word for you ♪

♪ You wonderful you ♪ You wonderful you

♪ I can't forget you

♪ Isn't it grand to find what love can do? ♪

♪ You wonderful you

♪ You wonderful you

♪ You're like a breath of Spring ♪ ♪ Tell me

♪ A whole new thing has happened ♪

♪ All the pretty things I want to hear ♪

♪ And without much ado ♪

♪ I can feel that ♪ I look at you and

♪ There stands love

♪ My arms around you

♪ Isn't that what your arms are really for? ♪

♪ That's wonderful, too ♪ That's wonderful, too

♪ I'm glad I found you ♪

♪ Looking around, I've found there are no more like ♪

♪ You wonderful you, you-ou-ou ♪ You-ou-ou ♪

♪ Remember, finders, keepers ♪

♪ Losers, weepers

♪ And because that's true

♪ You're mine now

♪ You wonderful you

Oh! My foot! I'm sorry!

Oh, my foot!

( SCREAMING )

Up to the time I stepped on your mama's foot,

she didn't like me too well.

When they told her at the hospital

that I had broken her toes,

it looked very much like Mama was never gonna like me at all.

I wouldn't like you if you broke my toes.

That's what I thought, too,

but while I was in the army hospital,

Daddy would visit me every day

and bring me flowers and candy

and dozens of cookbooks.

Took me about three weeks to find out

what a wonderful person your daddy is.

I knew your mommy was wonderful

the minute I laid eyes on her.

So you see, Rich,

if Daddy hadn't stepped on Mommy's foot.

You might never have been born.

You should've stepped on both feet, Daddy.

Why, Rich? Then I would've had a twin brother.

Honey, what about this? Store it or throw it?

Well, I guess I don't use any 7-woods anymore.

GIRL: Owww!

What was that? Sounds like Ellen.

She came over to play with Rich.

Ellen, honey, what happened?

Ritchie stepped on my foot on purpose.

Ritchie, did you do that? Now, why did you?

Because I love her and I want her to marry me.

You love her and you want her to marry you?

I won't marry you because I don't like you.

That's 'cause I make a bad first impression.

♪♪