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1
00:00:00,696 --> 00:00:02,132
What can I say?
2
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,265
The nightclub has reallytaken off recently.
3
00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,484
Nadja's has become the hot spot
4
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:09,183
for the tri-state areavampire community.
5
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:11,402
And I, its queen.
6
00:00:11,446 --> 00:00:13,839
Most of the vampires lining upwon't get in
7
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,537
due to general ugliness. Move!
8
00:00:15,580 --> 00:00:17,756
Okay, you two in the denim
capes, it ain't happening.
9
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,150
Fly back to New Jersey.
10
00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:23,327
This place has even startedattracting human celebrities,
11
00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:25,068
which is really great
for business.
12
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,635
There's three of them now.
13
00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:28,028
Sofia, you stupid bitch,
14
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,768
when are you gonna put me
in one of your movies?
15
00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,467
I want to show the camera
my bling ring.
16
00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:33,772
Hey, Colin really is
17
00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:35,078
performing tonight, right?
18
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:36,471
We are very excited, man.
19
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,299
We've been hearing
about him for weeks.
20
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,475
Colin is going to be on stage
in three minutes.
21
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,564
Great, that kid is incredible.
22
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:43,956
More than a star,
he's a phenomenon.
23
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,350
He does have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
24
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,705
He must have brain scrambles.
That was utter gibberish.
25
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,272
- Can I just ask you,
26
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:58,884
what's the "Celebrity Special,"
and is it really $5,000?
27
00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:01,670
Oh, the Celebrity Special!
28
00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:02,975
Something you're interested in?
29
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:04,281
- Yes, very much.
- Yes, please.
- Jim?
30
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:06,283
Oh, not for me.
We're shooting in the morning.
31
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:07,980
And, really, I don't make
that kind of money.
32
00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:12,115
Oh. Celebrity Special
for two, anyone?
33
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:13,682
- Okay, uh...
34
00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:14,683
You two, over here.
35
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:17,512
May I present for you
36
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:19,731
the Celebrity Special?
37
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,081
It's to die for.
38
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,042
Oh, shit, that looks so real.
39
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,088
It's so much more fun
40
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:30,133
when the celebrities actually
ask for it themselves.
41
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,308
He's empty.
42
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,484
Come on, you guys.
You are really good.
43
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,138
That is amazing.
44
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,271
- Do the head.
- That's right.
45
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,795
- Do the head...
46
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:43,320
I could never
afford a gag like this.
47
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,192
That's amazing.
48
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,890
We're so glad you're enjoying
the show, Jim.
49
00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:24,187
- Over here!
50
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,841
- Sofia?
- You think
that the celebrities
51
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:27,886
would have caught on by now,
but I have got Chloeë Sevigny
52
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,540
and Tiki Barber booked
for tomorrow night,
53
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,890
and the great Fran Lebowitz
on Thursday.
54
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,066
She says what
we're all thinking.
55
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:37,809
Okay, time for my little
moneymaker, Baby Colin.
56
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,376
Let's get on with the show.
57
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,856
Now, where is he?
58
00:02:43,119 --> 00:02:46,122
Are you fucking kidding me?
59
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,342
What do you mean that
Baby Colin is not performing?
60
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,431
He goes on every night
at 3:00 a.m.!
61
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:53,042
I know, my darling,
but things have changed.
62
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:55,262
The nightclub
is extraordinarily successful,
63
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:58,874
and we both know why, so his
contract must reflect that.
64
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:01,137
- He doesn't have a contract.
- Au contraire.
65
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,921
- I drew one up this morning.
66
00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:07,970
So, full disclosure,
67
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,494
I met someone.
68
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,801
Well, a while back, when
I was in England with Nadja,
69
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:15,238
there was this guy, Freddie,
70
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,762
and yeah, we just hadthis whirlwind romance.
71
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:19,764
Ever since I've been back herewe've been FaceTiming,
72
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,418
like, all the time.
73
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:24,116
And now, he's comingto New York for the weekend.
74
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,727
- See you soon.
- Okay, besos.
75
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,251
Which is super exciting
and super terrifying,
76
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,862
because he's the first person
77
00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:34,953
that I've ever really
dated dated, you know?
78
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:36,390
I'm gonna pick him up
at the airport,
79
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:39,044
and we're gonna spend
the whole weekend in the city,
80
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,308
- just Freddie and I and...
81
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:43,788
Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys.
I'll be back.
82
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:48,315
- Surprise.
- Oh. Freddie.
83
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:49,577
My flight got in early.
84
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:51,753
Oh, my God, look at your face.
85
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,146
- "Look at my face." Oh, wow.
- Aww.
86
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,670
Who-who are these guys?
87
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:56,975
It's a, uh, a documentary crew.
88
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,281
How did you find my place?
89
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,283
Oh, return address
of the post you sent me.
90
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,112
Sorry, the "mail" you sent me.
Oh, my God, you Americans.
91
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,592
- Guillermo?
92
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,985
Oh. That is very kind of you,
93
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,639
but I'm not hungry right now.
94
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,862
Number one,
95
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,908
"Nightclub staff will not
make direct eye contact
96
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,432
with Colin unless they are
giving him a gift."
97
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,303
- Hey, Nadja, guess what?
98
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,131
- What?
- Chicken butt.
99
00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:24,568
- Ugh.
- Okay, number two, uh,
100
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,701
"We also require a merch table,
101
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:29,356
"where we will sell
Colin's new compact disc..."
102
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,793
An Hour of Singsongs
103
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:34,665
and Laugh-'Em-Ups
for the Whole Famn Damily.
104
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:37,102
- Are you gonna sign it?
- Of course not!
105
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,408
My darling,
if it wasn't for this boy,
106
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:39,670
your club would be
as dead as disco.
107
00:04:39,714 --> 00:04:41,324
- And guess what?
- What?
108
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,501
All I want is to sing and dance
and make people smile.
109
00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:46,721
I don't even really care about
all this contract baloney.
110
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,679
No, no, no, no. He doesn't
know what he's saying.
111
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,290
So, do have we a deal?
112
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,901
Um, let me just have a little
think, uh, mull it over.
113
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,992
- All right.
- What is this made of?
114
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,560
Fuck no!
Do you think that my club
115
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:02,650
needs this little weird
ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?
116
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:04,826
- Hey.
- But he is our main attraction.
117
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:07,002
I could replace him in a second.
118
00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,395
Well, good luck with that.
119
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:10,222
I've had the owner
of the hottest vampire nightclub
120
00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:11,354
on the phone to me
day and night,
121
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,616
and he's not the only one.
122
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,792
So you're actually
going to leave?
123
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,881
Looks that way, doesn't it?
Come on, boy.
124
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,449
Let's take your talents upstate.
125
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,495
Albany and Binghamton,
to be more precise, but...
126
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,105
- got to start somewhere.
127
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,370
Wow, this place
is like a museum.
128
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,067
I-I can't believe this
is your house, Guillermo.
129
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:30,634
Well, it's actually
not my house.
130
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,288
I just help take care of Nandor.
131
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,507
How'd you never mention that?
132
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,204
I-I thought you worked
at the U.N.
133
00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:36,771
Don't be silly.
134
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:39,426
Guillermo does not work
at the U and N.
135
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:40,949
He forgets a lot of things.
136
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,430
His mind doesn't work
the way it used to, so...
137
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,607
- I volunteer on my days off.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
138
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,652
- Guillermo.
- Hmm.
139
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:51,699
Why did you not tell me you had
a friend coming to visit?
140
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:52,874
- Friends...
- Oh, we're, uh,
we're a little bit
141
00:05:52,917 --> 00:05:54,223
more than friends, actually.
142
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:56,965
Oh, I see.
143
00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:58,967
- Best friends.
- No, uh...
144
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:02,492
He's my boyfriend.
145
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,581
Oh.
146
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:08,106
- Oh, wow.
147
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,935
And I'm sorry I didn't
mention that earlier.
148
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:11,936
This is fantastic news.
149
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:13,155
- Right?
- Good.
150
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:14,852
And a long time coming.
151
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,941
- Oh.
- He has been very lonely.
152
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,552
- Oh.
- Extremely lonely.
153
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,988
- Not that lonely.
- Pretty lonely.
154
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,250
Not that lonely.
155
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,121
Very pathetic. Really lonely.
156
00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:26,211
Thank you, Nandor,
that is very interesting.
157
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,997
And can I just reiterate
that your home is beautiful?
158
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,739
I-I mean, this tapestry,
is this Turkish in origin?
159
00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:33,393
- Y-Yes. Yes...
- Around the 15th century,
this one here?
160
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,611
Freddie's actually
a junior associate
161
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,047
at an auction house in London.
162
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:38,136
He's kind of an art buff.
163
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,269
- No.
- Very good eye.
164
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:43,620
I disemboweled many villagers
to get this tapestry.
165
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:44,926
We're thinking
of upping his medicine dose
166
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:46,449
- 'cause...
167
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:49,365
I would love to hear more
of your stories, Nandor.
168
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,888
I'm just so glad
to have a new buddy.
169
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:53,804
Oh, that's me.
170
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,284
I am the buddy.
171
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:57,591
This, uh, this place
is pretty dusty, though.
172
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,636
I'd tell you to get a Roomba
in here, but, uh,
173
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,508
- I think it might kill itself.
174
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:04,554
- I couldn't resist.
175
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:07,296
I don't know what any of that
means, but I love it.
176
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:09,472
Okay. Such long teeth.
177
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:12,344
It's a genetic disorder
in the family.
178
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,259
And, uh, if you ever need anyone
to help you look after
179
00:07:14,303 --> 00:07:16,174
any of these treasures,
180
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:18,350
- promise you'll give me
a call, eh?
- Oh.
181
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,831
So nice to meet you.
What a, what a pleasure.
182
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,050
- I'll see you very soon.
- Yes.
183
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,312
- All right.
- Hopefully.
184
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,618
- Bye-bye.
- Sorry about that...
185
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,794
- That's okay.
186
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,889
I cannot sleep.
187
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,368
My mind has been seizedby thoughts
188
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,762
of a very special person.
189
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:42,070
A person by the name of...
190
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:43,506
Freddie.
191
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,290
Ever since he and Guillermo
192
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:48,424
left for the hotel,Freddie's charm
193
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:52,297
and sweet, supportive nature
have echoed in my mind.
194
00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:54,561
He touched my arm.
195
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,780
Also, things have grown
a little stale
196
00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,565
with my beloved Marwa.
197
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,132
Are you, um...
198
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:04,222
enjoying sitting in that chair?
199
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:07,051
Yes. Hmm.
200
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,620
And yours is good?
201
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:13,667
Yes, uh...
202
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:17,497
It was a little bit hard,
so I put a cushion on it.
203
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:19,716
- Wonderful.
- Yes.
204
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,023
Fuck, she's boring.
205
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,504
But marriage is sacred to me.
206
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:27,202
I never once cheatedon any of my 37 wives,
207
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,291
and I'm not about to start now.
208
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:32,512
Could I steal Freddie
from Guillermo?
209
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:33,774
Of course.
210
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,253
But that would be cruel.
211
00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:38,561
And also, you know,sloppy seconds.
212
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,041
If only...
213
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,695
Excuse me for a moment.
214
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,307
I'm not sure
if this is possible,
215
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,701
but I wish for Marwa
to be transformed
216
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:51,966
into an exact copy
Freddie.
217
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,099
Appearance, personality,
everything.
218
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,971
- Why are you whispering?
- Because Marwa is someone
219
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:58,712
that I love very much,
220
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,235
and I don't want her to hear
that I'm about to change her
221
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:01,976
into a completely
different person.
222
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,805
As you wish.
223
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:10,550
Marwa?
224
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:16,033
Hello.
225
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,601
Hi, there. I'm Freddie.
226
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:19,907
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
227
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,604
Boy, this place is pretty dusty.
228
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,084
I'd tell you to get
a Roomba in here,
229
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,607
but I think
it might kill itself.
230
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,566
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
231
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:30,047
Freddie.
232
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,574
Our star performer's departure
233
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:37,054
could not come at a worse time
for Mistress Nadja.
234
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,361
I'm actually a little worried
about her.
235
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,406
There's so much pressure
running a nightclub,
236
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,800
and she's been consuming
a massive amount
237
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,497
of liquor blood.
238
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,195
Are you talking shit about me?
239
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:49,110
- No.
- Hey, I love you
like a sister, baby,
240
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,939
you know it, but even...
if you even think
241
00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:54,768
about damaging my brand,
I will cut you in two!
242
00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:57,684
Okay!
243
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:01,209
- Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
244
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:04,212
I can't believe I'm on the road,
on my own tour bus.
245
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:06,736
Now, this one maybe
isn't as nice as the one
246
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,696
in Cameron Crowe's
turn-of-the-century masterpiece
247
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:12,481
- Almost Famous, but it...
- We've got to work our way
to the top, boy.
248
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,309
We got to strike out on tour.
249
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,833
It's how all the best
vampire acts started.
250
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,183
Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.
251
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:21,359
Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.
252
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,884
Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.
253
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,494
The Undead Kennedys.
254
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:30,455
Freshly drained blood
255
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,544
of a drunk human celebrity.
256
00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:35,330
Just a little something
to keep Mama sharp.
257
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:38,899
Rest in peace,
Sofia Copp-Coppola.
258
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:42,380
Let us get on with it.
Bring on the first little freak!
259
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,513
Well, first we have
Jack Metcalf.
260
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:46,950
He is repped
by Christie Marx Management.
261
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:49,431
He is four feet
and two inches high.
262
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,786
Flat! Flat!
263
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,919
You don't have the range, babe.
264
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:01,356
Get off my stage. Next!
265
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,576
Peter Doskin,
repped by Grandpa and Grandma.
266
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,100
Chrysanthemum.
267
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,928
C-H-R-Y-S-A...
268
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,582
Why are you not stuffed
in a locker somewhere?
269
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,716
Your bullies are not doing
a good enough job.
270
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,239
Next!
271
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:28,383
Right, well, that's enough,
you freeloading deadbeats.
272
00:11:28,426 --> 00:11:30,037
If you want to watch,
then you've got to pay. Come on.
273
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,390
Ugh.
274
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,741
No, no, no.
275
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:41,744
No.
276
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,006
Okay.
277
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,095
I'm coming. Stop it.
278
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:47,184
Okay, stop tapping.
Watch and learn, bitch.
279
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,756
- Auditions are over.
280
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,541
No, it's going well.
That was the finale.
281
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:57,891
Ta-da!
282
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,765
Things are going really,
really well with Freddie.
283
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:04,419
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
284
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:07,552
Aw.
285
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:10,251
I even let him make a listof all the things
286
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:12,253
he's always wantedto do in New York City.
287
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,778
I'm having the best timewith my Freddie.
288
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:20,000
He has written a list of things
289
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,871
he would like to doin New York City,
290
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,613
and now we are doingthose things.
291
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,746
- Is-is it your turn next?
I-I think...
- No.
292
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,660
- Oh, my God!
293
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,575
Wow.
294
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:33,187
Hey! Hey!
295
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:34,928
Oh, wow!
296
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,930
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, okay. All right.
297
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,932
- Come around.
298
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,200
So, this weekend has
299
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,854
made me realize
that I really need
300
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,594
- a life outside of work.
- Yeah.
301
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:52,032
I felt like I literally kept
seeing Nandor everywhere--
302
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,121
which is ridiculous--
303
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,732
because that's how much space
he occupies in my mind.
304
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,081
- Anyways, we're not
talking about Nandor.
- No.
305
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,604
- Let's go get some cheesecake.
- Okay.
306
00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:01,563
- Hello.
307
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,565
Well, last night's auditionswere a mess.
308
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,175
And then I realized,
309
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,830
why am I even trying to find
another child performer?
310
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,353
Fuck them kids.
311
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:13,705
This is a scary,
sexy nightclub for adults.
312
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:18,188
So I decided to call
Le Cirque EÉrotique.
313
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:23,150
Le Cirque EÉrotiqueis a legendary consortium
314
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:26,022
of sophisticatedand deeply carnal
315
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,851
vampire circus performers.
316
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,548
Some of the most thrilling,
obscene spectacles
317
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,681
known to vampires.
318
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,596
They're famously tough to book.
319
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:35,989
But they are coming here
320
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:39,122
to perform tonight!
321
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:41,342
Lamar?
322
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,387
Yeah, I'm just checking in.
This place is amazing.
323
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,608
It has ice on demand,
24 hours a day.
324
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:47,870
And it's gratis.
325
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,959
I've got to go,
'cause it's showtime.
326
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:51,743
Why isn't that boy
doing his scales?
327
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,833
Why aren't you doing
your scales, boy...
328
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,270
- Hey.
Time to hit the road.
- Shit.
329
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:59,055
This little star's ready
to shake his moneymaker.
330
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:02,537
Is something wrong?
331
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,974
Do you feel
there's something wrong?
332
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,671
No. How far is it to the venue?
333
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,630
To the what?
334
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,371
- Venue.
- Um...
335
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,590
Not far.
336
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,201
The fuck?
337
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,333
Right, now,
that was a bit of a shock.
338
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:19,423
He appears to have
hit puberty overnight.
339
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,296
The worst thing is,
I don't think he realizes it.
340
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:24,472
- All right.
341
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,735
All the way up
from Staten Island,
342
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,737
let's give a warm,
Binghamton welcome
343
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:31,653
to the most talented
little boy in the world,
344
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:33,394
- Baby Colin.
345
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,439
Hi, Binghamton.
346
00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,621
He's just a kid.
347
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,931
Come on, let's get
a big clap going.
348
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,766
That's not Baby Colin.
349
00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,724
- It is... Yeah, it is.
- Fuck... fuck off.
350
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,030
I don't think it's him.
351
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,989
- Get off the stage!
- Everyone hates me!
352
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,208
- He sucks!
353
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:08,081
- Go eat shit.
- Be back soon.
354
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,909
Oh, that's fun.
355
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,476
Come on, the circus troupe
is loading in soon.
356
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,869
- Hello?
- Ah.
357
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,610
Gustave LeRoy
of Le Cirque EÉrotique.
358
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,873
Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.
359
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,353
And the rest of your troupe
are, um...
360
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,137
Oh, I thought they told you.
361
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,878
It's just gonna be me tonight.
362
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,706
Yeah, nobody else was available,
but lucky for you,
363
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:27,230
I'm very free. Oh.
364
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,797
I'd like to have you put those
up around the club, please.
365
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,581
Just you?
366
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:33,193
"The clown who can suck
himself off."
367
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,021
I put a little comedy
into it as well.
368
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:37,240
Now, where is a good place
for me to, uh,
369
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,589
start my stretches?
370
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,026
Hello?
371
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,810
I just need to get
some insoles for my feet.
372
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,638
- They're killing me.
373
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:48,382
- ...the left nipple.
374
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:50,427
Hey, look who it is.
375
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:53,039
Freddie, what are you... How?
376
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,737
- Welcome.
- You were just
in the car with me.
377
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,000
Don't be silly.
This is not your Freddie.
378
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:01,308
- This is my own Freddie.
- All right, bruv.
379
00:16:01,351 --> 00:16:03,745
What the hell?
380
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,573
I asked the djinn to turn Marwa
into a carbon copy
381
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:07,836
of your Freddie.
382
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:10,056
- What is wrong with you?
- Don't be upset about it.
383
00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:11,666
- You should be flattered.
- Put him back...
384
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:14,016
- Gigi, what's taking you
so long? We need to go.
- No, um...
385
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,365
Freddie, you should probably
wait in the car, because...
386
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:16,410
Um...
387
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:33,601
Please give a warm welcome
to your entertainment
388
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:36,604
for the evening,
Mr. Gustave LeRoy, huh?
389
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,567
Ah, yeah!
390
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:47,310
Yeah!
391
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:52,359
Yeah, let's see it.
392
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,191
Yes!
393
00:16:58,234 --> 00:16:59,844
He's really going for it.
394
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:01,107
He's going for a full suck!
395
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:02,760
Hey, Sofia, so it turns out
396
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:05,372
it's just some guy
sucking his own dick.
397
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:07,852
Anyway, very funny the way
you guys disappeared
398
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:11,073
the other night after
the bloody magic trick,
399
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:13,423
which I'm still trying
to figure out.
400
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,817
But enough is enough.
Come on, call me back.
401
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:19,212
- Really?
- That's it?
402
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:21,040
- That's it?
- That was, like, 20 seconds.
403
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,606
Ladies and gentlemen,
404
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,044
it was a pleasure for me
405
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:26,915
- to suck myself off for you.
406
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:30,962
- What the fuck was that?
- Wasn't it amazing?
407
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:32,529
I've never lasted that long.
408
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,140
This was supposed to be
a whole evening of sucking.
409
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,445
You're useless.
410
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,143
Okay, to, um,
411
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,493
keep the fun going
and liven you guys up,
412
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,887
we're gonna release
the blood sprinklers.
413
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:48,154
Get ready for loads of blood.
414
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:51,418
- Oh, yeah!
- Spill the blood
for the vampires.
415
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:54,943
We love blood so much.
416
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:57,728
Blood sprinklers. Can we getthe blood sprinklers on?
417
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,687
Let's get them on.
418
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,777
- Billy!
419
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,257
Uh...
420
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,998
- Um... Okay...
421
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:09,827
- Son of a bitch!
- Peace out, I'm done.
422
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,351
Hang on. No, no, no, don't go,
'cause I'm going to perform.
423
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,357
Come on, guys.
Let's get a big clap going.
424
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,625
- Oh, no.
425
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:27,018
In three, two, one, go!
426
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:30,065
- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal.
- Got it.
427
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,980
- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef.
- Yep.
428
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:34,461
- Uh, Barbie doll. Uh, Alaska.
- Yep. Yep.
429
00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,680
So, I did a little hypnosis
430
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,421
on the two Freddies.
431
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,988
Basically, I told them
not to make such a big a deal
432
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,382
out of the whole cloning thing.
433
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,645
- Uh, Genji monogatari
by Murasaki Shikibu.
- Hai!
434
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,647
Oh, uh, T-The New Adventuresof Old Christine.
435
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:48,431
- Yes.
- And that's time.
436
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,521
- Yes! Come on, Freddie.
- Oh.
437
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,915
- Very impressive, you two.
438
00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:56,439
Very, um, in sync.
439
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:57,875
- Hmm?
440
00:18:57,919 --> 00:18:58,963
- Hmm?
- Very good.
441
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:00,965
Now they're getting on great,
442
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,316
so the situation
is totally fine.
443
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,795
Fun little evening we're having,
wouldn't you say?
444
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,536
No, I wouldn't say.
445
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,625
- Couldn't just let me
have one thing of my own?
- I did.
446
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,323
You have your thing
and I have mine.
447
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:11,672
Oh, so you took your wife,
448
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,195
who you transformed
into the perfect woman,
449
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:15,763
and then turned her into
a carbon copy of my boyfriend?
450
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:17,939
Doesn't that register with you
as being messed up?
451
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,723
Stop saying things
that I have done.
452
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,638
This is my last night
with Freddie.
453
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,423
Okay, this might seem like
a huge game to you, but it's not
454
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,599
- to me, I really care about him.
- I know, I just...
455
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:28,732
Do you understand that
I've never, in my whole life,
456
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:31,605
ever, had a long-term
boyfriend? Not once.
457
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:35,435
And you find a way
to make it about yourself.
458
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:36,740
So thanks.
459
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,351
Uh, wait... I...
460
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,179
- Freddie? We're leaving.
- Yes?
461
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,180
- Oh, uh...
- Oh, uh...
462
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:42,703
That's, uh...
463
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,226
That's actually...
464
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,318
...my Freddie.
465
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:52,016
Freddie, we're leaving.
466
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:53,235
Oh, uh, awesome
to meet you, Freddie.
467
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:54,628
Awesome to meet you, too,
Freddie.
468
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,195
Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.
469
00:20:01,112 --> 00:20:02,853
Well,
470
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,333
Freddie had to go backto England...
471
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:05,465
Bye.
472
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,249
I love you.
473
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,773
...meaning I'm backto my normal life,
474
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,167
being a familiar for Nandor
475
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:16,780
and his exact cloneof my boyfriend.
476
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:20,219
At least we can stay in touchthrough the Internet.
477
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,481
- How's
it going?
- Are you having beans
478
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,352
- for dinner again?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
479
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:24,788
- You're such a little
bean freak, babe.
- Guilty as charged.
480
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,050
Is that who I think it is?
481
00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:28,227
Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?
482
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:30,098
Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.
483
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,882
- Ooh, did you get a chanceto read the deep dive
- Uh...
484
00:20:31,926 --> 00:20:34,276
on the Palatine Hill inthis month's Rosetta Journal?
485
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,018
Oh, let me have a think.
Hmm, how about yes?
486
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,194
That's section on early medieval
earthenware they just excavated?
487
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,804
Bombshell, am I right?
488
00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:42,502
I had to put the journal downand take a walk
489
00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,286
- around the block.
- Me, too, I just had to put
490
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,114
the journal down and take
a walk around the block.
491
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:47,724
- Honestly.
- Me, too! I had to put...
492
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,032
I'm sorry, can we can cut?
493
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:52,729
You can't cancel our dates,you bastard.
494
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,427
We've got a contract.
495
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:56,559
- Don't fuck me.
- Why is this happening to me?
496
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,039
I'm repulsive.
497
00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:00,911
Good grief!
Whatever is that foul odor?
498
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:03,087
It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?
499
00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:04,785
- What?
- I hate you.
You're ruining my life!
500
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:06,743
Come on, boy,
don't be like that.
501
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:09,703
I can sort this out. Yeah?
I'll get you on stage tonight.
502
00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:12,836
No! I'm not singing
any more of those baby songs.
503
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,664
- And guess what?
- What?
504
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,797
From here on out,
I'll only consider performing
505
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,974
if it's the music of Papa Roach
or Evanescence!
506
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,064
- Fuck off!
- Shut your mouth.
507
00:21:26,415 --> 00:21:27,982
I am beginning to think
that maybe
508
00:21:28,025 --> 00:21:31,290
what I did was wrong.
509
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:35,424
Probably not, but... maybe.
510
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:39,036
I set out to make things rightwith Guillermo.
511
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,865
I offered to give himmy Freddie,
512
00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:43,911
as a token of apology
513
00:21:43,954 --> 00:21:46,043
and also so that they couldhave sex with each other.
514
00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:48,394
No. It's not the same.
515
00:21:48,437 --> 00:21:51,179
- It's pretty similar.
- But it's not.
516
00:21:52,528 --> 00:21:54,051
That's when I knew I had to let
517
00:21:54,095 --> 00:21:55,226
my Freddie go.
518
00:21:55,270 --> 00:21:56,663
Which also meant
519
00:21:56,706 --> 00:21:59,840
letting my wife Marwa go.
520
00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,408
But I did leave herin Freddie form,
521
00:22:02,451 --> 00:22:04,584
'cause she seemed so much
happier like that.
522
00:22:04,627 --> 00:22:07,500
Perhaps true loveis about more than
523
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:09,719
wishing for someone who likesall the things you like.
524
00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:11,199
My sweet Freddie.
525
00:22:11,242 --> 00:22:12,940
My Freddie always told methat his dream
526
00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:14,507
was to travel the world,
527
00:22:14,550 --> 00:22:18,032
explore his passionfor art and history.
528
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:19,512
Don't forget to buy that Roomba.
529
00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:20,991
I won't.
530
00:22:21,035 --> 00:22:22,689
I suppose I am the one
531
00:22:22,732 --> 00:22:24,343
who is now granting a wish.
532
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:28,129
Fucking sucks.
533
00:22:29,696 --> 00:22:31,741
It is clear to me now that
534
00:22:31,785 --> 00:22:33,830
without Baby Colinas its main attraction,
535
00:22:33,874 --> 00:22:35,528
this club cannot survive.
536
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:38,705
This place was the center
of the vampire universe.
537
00:22:38,748 --> 00:22:41,795
But now it is just a big,
empty piece of shit.
538
00:22:41,838 --> 00:22:43,971
And despite my hopes
of a comeback,
539
00:22:44,014 --> 00:22:46,408
it is clear that
our best days are behind us.
540
00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:48,323
- My darling?
- Laszlo!
541
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,629
I've thought of a way
of saving the club.
542
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,065
Ah. How?
543
00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,762
I've heard about
this amazing clown
544
00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:54,590
that can suck himself dry.
545
00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:58,202
Who is this young ruffian?
546
00:22:58,246 --> 00:22:59,987
You remember Baby Colin?
547
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:01,336
Well, he's had a growth spurt.
548
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:04,034
- Hey.
549
00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:05,819
Can we go?
550
00:23:05,862 --> 00:23:07,647
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bye.
551
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:10,258
Cheers from jolly old England.
552
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:13,087
I decided to gosurprise Freddie,
553
00:23:13,130 --> 00:23:15,437
because why not, right?
You only live once.
554
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:17,657
And I have
all that money saved that I...
555
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,659
whatever, I stole from the club.
556
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:21,617
He has no idea
that I'm here, so...
557
00:23:21,661 --> 00:23:23,793
- Oh. Is that him?
558
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,882
Over there, right with...
559
00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:28,319
- I love you, Freddie.
- I love you, too, Freddie.
560
00:23:28,363 --> 00:23:30,844
- Fancy a pint of bitter?
- Why not?
561
00:23:45,902 --> 00:23:47,643
Impaler Swift.
562
00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:50,385
Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.
563
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,779
And that's not even mentioning
the wraith acts.
564
00:23:52,822 --> 00:23:55,869
Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill.
Wraith Evans.
565
00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:57,261
Billy Wraith Cyrus.
566
00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:59,176
Wraith No More.
567
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:01,309
Wraith Charles.
568
00:24:01,352 --> 00:24:03,485
I could go on.
42082
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