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Baby Colin is miserable,
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and it's a mystery to me.
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Seems like only yesterday
when he danced and sang
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and was full of joys and smiles.
5
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Now he barely talks to me.
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And when he does, it's very unpleasant.
7
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Shit. Have you got enough toys
on the floor?
8
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I say, can you take the headphones off?
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My headphones are on.
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Yeah, I know. Can you take them off?
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Just for one second.
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Hold on. What?
13
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I was thinking, why don't we hop
the fence at the zoo
14
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and see if those baby rhinos have grown
15
00:00:31,304 --> 00:00:33,618
- since the last time we...
- Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.
16
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- Looked at them.
- Thank you.
17
00:00:36,515 --> 00:00:37,559
Why are you still here?
18
00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,285
- Okay. Uh...
- Huh?
19
00:00:39,309 --> 00:00:41,768
I know he has the body of a man now,
20
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:45,208
but it was literally last week
when he was but a small boy.
21
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And I've read
all the relevant literature
22
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on the trials and tribulations
of being a young person,
23
00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:52,339
but it's provided me
with no guidance at all.
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00:00:52,363 --> 00:00:55,736
He doesn't even enjoy
his playdates anymore.
25
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,256
He's really had quite the
growth spurt, hasn't he?
26
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,831
Ain't that the truth, Alison?
27
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You see, he's on the cusp
28
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of that awkward age.
29
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,580
No, I'm on base. I'm on base!
30
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Dylan!
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Dylan said that the staircase
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was base, and I was touching
base, but he hit me anyway!
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- It wasn't fair!
- It's all right.
34
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,337
I wish you were dead, Dylan!
35
00:01:16,361 --> 00:01:18,274
- No, no, come on. No, you don't.
- Yes, I do!
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00:01:18,298 --> 00:01:20,011
It's like he's half kid, half adult.
37
00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:21,214
It's okay.
38
00:01:21,238 --> 00:01:22,906
I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson
39
00:01:22,930 --> 00:01:25,814
and he sounds like Colin Robinson,
but mentally he's all over the place.
40
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- So, you're gonna hold the bat.
- Why?
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00:01:27,663 --> 00:01:29,330
As the other parental figure in his life,
42
00:01:29,354 --> 00:01:31,734
I thought I'd have the
opportunity to teach him things.
43
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Swing! All right!
44
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Okay. It's okay. I'll get it.
45
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It just happened so fast. Just...
46
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So you really want
to look at the ball, okay?
47
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- I did look at the ball.
- The only thing
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that seems to give him any joy these
days and has done since he learned to walk
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is hammering holes
50
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in his old room in the basement.
51
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Now, I've tried to stop him,
52
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but it seems like a healthy release
53
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for this seemingly relentless
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and unwarranted anger.
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♪ When did she get to be a beauty? ♪
56
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:09,343
♪ When did he grow to be so tall? ♪
57
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♪ Wasn't it yesterday when they ♪
58
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♪ Were small? ♪
59
00:02:18,085 --> 00:02:20,799
♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
60
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♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
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♪ Swiftly flow the day s ♪
62
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♪ Seedlings turn overnight
to sunflowers ♪
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♪ Blossoming even when we gaze. ♪
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Now that we don't have
Baby Colin as our big draw,
65
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the nightclub has just gone
to a big steaming shit!
66
00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,131
- I wouldn't say "shit," but...
- Well, I would.
67
00:02:53,155 --> 00:02:56,254
And we still don't have even close
to enough money to repair the house.
68
00:02:56,278 --> 00:02:57,739
But we're not giving up.
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00:02:57,763 --> 00:02:59,043
She's full of ideas, this one.
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I am. I still think we should try
71
00:03:01,004 --> 00:03:03,451
that all-vampire
freestyle rap battle again.
72
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:06,858
It's no good.
Vampires are too hotheaded.
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00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,394
♪ Why you out here competing? ♪
74
00:03:08,418 --> 00:03:09,998
♪ Why's that hairline receding? ♪
75
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♪ Why'd you even... ♪
76
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,600
And then there was
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00:03:13,624 --> 00:03:16,844
the human
improvisational comedy troupe.
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00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:18,881
Okay, so, to get us started, first
we're gonna need a suggestion.
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00:03:18,905 --> 00:03:20,465
Suck each other's dicks!
80
00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:21,787
- Yeah!
- Seems like vampires
81
00:03:21,811 --> 00:03:23,825
just don't get improv comedy.
82
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Because it's not funny.
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More like a location.
84
00:03:26,288 --> 00:03:27,699
Suck each other's dicks
85
00:03:27,723 --> 00:03:29,036
in outer space!
86
00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:30,338
You know, I really thought
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00:03:30,362 --> 00:03:32,409
that Laszlo showcasing his new songs
88
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would be a big hit.
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♪ Is my song too complex? ♪
90
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♪ Why you looking perplexed? ♪
91
00:03:41,418 --> 00:03:44,800
♪ My intelligence is a ten ♪
92
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♪ Yours are three and fours ♪
93
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♪ It's not my fault ♪
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00:03:50,823 --> 00:03:53,484
♪ Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours ♪
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- Come on, join in, you stupid...
- Fuck off, Laszlo!
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♪ It's not my... ♪
97
00:03:56,848 --> 00:03:58,461
But we're still making
a little bit of income.
98
00:03:58,485 --> 00:04:00,265
Yes, a little trickle.
99
00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:01,901
♪ It's not my fault ♪
100
00:04:01,925 --> 00:04:03,872
♪ You thick pieces of shit ♪
101
00:04:03,896 --> 00:04:06,693
♪ It's yours ♪
102
00:04:06,717 --> 00:04:07,981
- ♪ It's not my fault ♪
- But we're really scraping
103
00:04:08,005 --> 00:04:09,416
- the bottom...
- Shh.
104
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,187
Of the old desperate barrel
at this point.
105
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A lot of bachelorette parties.
106
00:04:13,274 --> 00:04:15,528
♪ Throw it back, all the girls... ♪
107
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And then we worked so hard
108
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,368
on the haunted house.
109
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,938
Seemed like a slam dunk.
110
00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:26,918
It's like, did they just order
the costumes off of Amazon?
111
00:04:26,942 --> 00:04:28,855
Yeah, let's get out of here.
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00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:31,827
Children's birthday parties
are now, unfortunately,
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our biggest draw.
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00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:35,035
Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!
115
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Upstairs out-of-bounds!
116
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I got you!
117
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This one!
118
00:04:38,916 --> 00:04:40,211
He keeps cheating me!
119
00:04:42,227 --> 00:04:43,988
It's just a phase.
He'll grow out of it.
120
00:04:44,012 --> 00:04:45,155
Well, at the rate he's growing,
121
00:04:45,179 --> 00:04:46,891
he should have grown out of it already.
122
00:04:46,915 --> 00:04:49,296
Well, at least he's not
a boring energy vampire.
123
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,502
I'd rather he was boring
than this insolent monster.
124
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With respect,
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the trouble is that neither
of you know how to speak
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00:04:56,434 --> 00:04:59,016
to the younger generation
in their own language.
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00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,142
What, and you do?
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00:05:00,651 --> 00:05:03,191
Some of my finest soldiers
were just teenagers.
129
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:05,095
It was essential to communicate
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00:05:05,119 --> 00:05:07,065
with them in their own lingo...
131
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:09,003
Or gutter patois, if you will...
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00:05:09,027 --> 00:05:12,589
To inspire and motivate them
onto the battlefield
133
00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:15,282
because we'd usually put
the youngsters at the front.
134
00:05:15,306 --> 00:05:16,884
And they would instantly
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00:05:16,908 --> 00:05:19,089
be mowed down by the attacking army.
136
00:05:19,113 --> 00:05:20,592
So they were always a little
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reluctant to stand there.
138
00:05:22,453 --> 00:05:25,492
You know what? I will fix.
139
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We're fucked.
140
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,237
Watch and learn.
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00:05:34,979 --> 00:05:37,159
Very cool tunes.
142
00:05:37,183 --> 00:05:39,830
I, too, get off on rocking out
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00:05:39,854 --> 00:05:41,300
to cool tunes like these.
144
00:05:41,324 --> 00:05:44,006
But you know,
145
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:45,909
there's more to life than just...
146
00:05:51,044 --> 00:05:52,589
- Dude.
- But you know,
147
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,159
there's more to life than just
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rocking out to cool tunes.
149
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- Like what?
- Ah,
150
00:05:57,923 --> 00:05:59,903
you're probably too young to grok
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00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,109
what I'm trying to lay down.
152
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,013
One of the all-time
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00:06:04,037 --> 00:06:07,252
coolest ways of rocking out
is to be nice and polite
154
00:06:07,276 --> 00:06:10,558
to your housemates and to your elders.
155
00:06:10,582 --> 00:06:12,396
Wow. R-Really?
156
00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:15,001
A-A-And you think
this could work for me?
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00:06:15,025 --> 00:06:17,472
I... I do.
158
00:06:17,496 --> 00:06:18,908
Thanks, man.
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00:06:18,932 --> 00:06:21,113
Uh, thank you for blessing me
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with these pearls of wisdom.
161
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,588
You are very welcome...
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00:06:25,612 --> 00:06:26,924
man.
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00:06:26,948 --> 00:06:28,461
You see?
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00:06:28,485 --> 00:06:31,825
You just have to know
how to speak their language.
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If anyone complains,
that's when you can kill them.
166
00:06:38,095 --> 00:06:40,552
And I was wondering...
Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.
167
00:06:40,576 --> 00:06:42,656
- Oh.
- May I introduce to you
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00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,417
to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?
169
00:06:44,441 --> 00:06:45,488
- Hmm.
- Oh.
170
00:06:45,512 --> 00:06:47,722
Mr. Barnum was just
giving me some great advice
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- about bringing in the crowds.
- Mm-hmm.
172
00:06:49,579 --> 00:06:53,010
Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us
just one moment.
173
00:06:53,034 --> 00:06:54,981
Okay, thank you.
174
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:58,087
P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago.
175
00:06:58,111 --> 00:07:00,325
- Is he a vampire?
- Yeah, don't ask me to explain.
176
00:07:00,349 --> 00:07:02,095
Well, I feel like I must
ask you to explain.
177
00:07:02,119 --> 00:07:04,133
- Ah, it's no big deal.
- Well, I'm your boss,
178
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,468
so do you want me to use my loud voice?
179
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:06,518
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, for...
180
00:07:06,542 --> 00:07:08,305
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, hey, uh,
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00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:10,512
sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting.
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- You are.
- Oh.
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00:07:11,744 --> 00:07:13,251
I just wanted to give you
184
00:07:13,275 --> 00:07:15,355
this CD of some songs that I
185
00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:19,029
burned for you. I mean,
I-I didn't burn it just for you,
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00:07:19,053 --> 00:07:21,100
'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic.
187
00:07:21,124 --> 00:07:23,704
Well, I had an extra CD,
I guess, and so...
188
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Thank you, Colin.
189
00:07:24,998 --> 00:07:26,677
I will definitely figure out
190
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how to listen to this.
191
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,712
If you like the songs, maybe we could
192
00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:33,221
hang out sometime.
193
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:35,728
And if you don't like the songs,
I don't really give a shit.
194
00:07:35,752 --> 00:07:38,201
So, either way, it's,
you know, whatever.
195
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,429
All right, later. Bye.
196
00:07:41,397 --> 00:07:43,044
- Speak, bitch.
- All right.
197
00:07:43,068 --> 00:07:45,548
But you mustn't breathe
a word of this to anyone.
198
00:07:47,243 --> 00:07:50,091
Over the last few decades,
I have come across
199
00:07:50,115 --> 00:07:52,095
some books in the
Vampiric Council library
200
00:07:52,119 --> 00:07:54,433
that contain the most forbidden-est
201
00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:57,205
of secret knowledges,
and I have learned
202
00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,743
the ancient art form
of summoning the dead.
203
00:08:01,104 --> 00:08:03,618
But this is witchcraft.
204
00:08:03,642 --> 00:08:05,121
Cut that out.
205
00:08:05,145 --> 00:08:07,626
So you can bring any person
back from the dead?
206
00:08:07,650 --> 00:08:09,998
Only the ones that I own the souls of.
207
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,300
One moment.
208
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,361
Mr. Barnum, right this way, please.
209
00:08:15,098 --> 00:08:17,045
May I present...
210
00:08:17,069 --> 00:08:18,982
the second finest collection
211
00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:21,687
of human dead souls
in these United States.
212
00:08:21,711 --> 00:08:22,753
Wow.
213
00:08:22,777 --> 00:08:24,393
And who has the finest collection?
214
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,363
Some rich computer guy.
215
00:08:26,387 --> 00:08:30,104
So, um, how do you turn
these souls back into people?
216
00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:32,209
Now, sadly,
217
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:35,148
once the souls are reanimated
into human form,
218
00:08:35,172 --> 00:08:37,185
they only live for about 24 hours
219
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:38,754
and then they dissolve back
220
00:08:38,778 --> 00:08:41,126
into the ingredients
from whence they came.
221
00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:42,762
- Oh. Ooh.
- Okay, hand me the soul.
222
00:08:42,786 --> 00:08:46,227
Okay. Thank you. And in it goes.
223
00:08:47,796 --> 00:08:49,109
Oh, it stinks.
224
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,113
That's life, baby. Take it in.
225
00:08:51,137 --> 00:08:52,164
Hello?
226
00:08:54,177 --> 00:08:57,514
Ah!
227
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,561
It worked.
228
00:08:58,585 --> 00:09:00,598
Scott Joplin, I presume?
229
00:09:00,622 --> 00:09:02,769
Happy to make your acquaintance, madam.
230
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,529
- And yours.
- Uh, and you as well, madam.
231
00:09:05,614 --> 00:09:07,679
Look, uh, we all make mistakes.
232
00:09:07,703 --> 00:09:08,835
It's no big deal.
233
00:09:08,859 --> 00:09:10,285
Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean,
234
00:09:10,309 --> 00:09:11,587
'cause he stole your car.
235
00:09:11,611 --> 00:09:14,059
- I was gonna bring it back.
- I beg your pardon?
236
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:16,297
I said I was going to bring it back.
237
00:09:16,321 --> 00:09:19,269
Listen, he was just
taking it for a little joyride.
238
00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:22,042
Colin, maybe you could help us
understand what you were thinking.
239
00:09:22,066 --> 00:09:23,711
- I don't know.
- Your behavior
240
00:09:23,735 --> 00:09:25,615
is nothing like the Colin we know.
241
00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:28,421
The Colin you know?
You don't know me at all.
242
00:09:28,445 --> 00:09:31,627
I mean, you can't tell me
who my parents are
243
00:09:31,651 --> 00:09:33,331
or where I came from
244
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,735
or why I have these thoughts in my head
245
00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:38,051
about hammering holes in the wall.
246
00:09:38,075 --> 00:09:39,476
We don't know ourselves!
247
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,347
You can't tell me why I grew
248
00:09:41,371 --> 00:09:44,029
a foot and a half overnight
like a human radish.
249
00:09:44,053 --> 00:09:46,057
Listen, you ungrateful fuck,
you're giving me the pip.
250
00:09:46,081 --> 00:09:47,692
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- We're doing our best here.
251
00:09:47,716 --> 00:09:49,463
Oh, well, that makes me feel
so much better.
252
00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:50,765
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, guys, guys.
253
00:09:50,789 --> 00:09:51,834
All right, you cheeky fuck.
254
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,858
Things are getting
a little too heated in here.
255
00:09:53,882 --> 00:09:55,608
- Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it.
- He started it.
256
00:09:55,632 --> 00:09:57,812
Okay, listen,
my dad and I used to fight
257
00:09:57,836 --> 00:09:59,149
like this all the time!
258
00:09:59,173 --> 00:10:01,153
And nothing good came from it!
259
00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:02,988
- You understand me?
- Yes.
260
00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:04,942
- Okay.
- But my pops and I,
261
00:10:04,966 --> 00:10:07,832
we were able to figure out a way
to settle our differences.
262
00:10:07,856 --> 00:10:11,173
And that's what we're gonna do
right now. So, get up.
263
00:10:11,197 --> 00:10:12,242
- What?
- Get up.
264
00:10:12,266 --> 00:10:13,578
Both of youse.
265
00:10:13,602 --> 00:10:15,882
Let's do it. You can trust Seanie.
266
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,252
All right, face each other.
267
00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:19,289
- We are.
- Good. Make eye contact.
268
00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:20,777
Okay?
269
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:21,830
Good enough.
270
00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:23,397
Now, I'm gonna count down from three.
271
00:10:23,421 --> 00:10:26,136
When I say go, start swinging.
272
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,639
- Wait, what?
- First one to tap out,
273
00:10:27,663 --> 00:10:29,090
other one's head of the household.
274
00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:31,180
- Three, two, one...
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
275
00:10:31,204 --> 00:10:33,284
- We're not doing that.
- Come on!
276
00:10:33,308 --> 00:10:35,642
Wait, it-it's-it's all right.
I feel better now.
277
00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:38,151
I'm sorry that I disappointed you.
278
00:10:38,661 --> 00:10:40,131
Mm.
279
00:10:40,155 --> 00:10:42,693
- There's got to be a "but."
- No, no "buts."
280
00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,339
Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can
281
00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:46,343
go find a tow truck and get your
282
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:48,314
- car out of Richmond Creek.
- Good man.
283
00:10:48,338 --> 00:10:51,721
Come on. I mean, I'd rather
take the insurance, but...
284
00:10:53,901 --> 00:10:56,864
He's a lot calmer and more
pleasant when he's made me angry.
285
00:10:56,888 --> 00:10:58,734
He's feeding on us.
286
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,371
But not by boring us...
287
00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:02,475
but by infuriating us.
288
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:03,589
I think you might be right.
289
00:11:03,613 --> 00:11:06,715
Colin Robinson is and will always be
290
00:11:06,739 --> 00:11:08,654
- an energy vampire.
- Yeah.
291
00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,558
Which means I have to tell him.
292
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,695
I have to tell him exactly what he is.
293
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,906
Why didn't you tell me
about this secret wisdom
294
00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:20,311
and this collection of souls?
I can't believe it.
295
00:11:20,335 --> 00:11:22,182
Well, you don't seem very interested
296
00:11:22,206 --> 00:11:24,286
when I try to share things
about my life.
297
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,922
Hey, what about asking
298
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,794
Diamond Jim Brady for some tips
about the crowds, huh?
299
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:32,235
He was a noted gourmand
and nightlife habitué.
300
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,270
No.
301
00:11:33,294 --> 00:11:35,408
The reanimated humans themselves
302
00:11:35,432 --> 00:11:36,710
will be the show.
303
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,781
Imagine the crowds we will get.
304
00:11:38,805 --> 00:11:41,754
The greatest minds
in all of human history
305
00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:44,559
together onstage for one night only
306
00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:46,421
- at Nadja's.
- Wow.
307
00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:49,202
I really should have thought of that.
308
00:11:49,226 --> 00:11:51,373
Yeah. It's actually
very troubling that you didn't.
309
00:11:51,397 --> 00:11:53,735
Ah!
310
00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:05,201
So, it's not going so well.
I told Nadja
311
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,639
she might want to do some
homework before the panel,
312
00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:09,977
but she said she just
wanted to wing it.
313
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:19,529
Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky.
314
00:12:19,553 --> 00:12:22,435
Food for bloody thought. Now, um,
315
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:24,272
Lady Murasaki Shikibu,
316
00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:26,945
some say your Tales of Genji
317
00:12:26,969 --> 00:12:30,385
created the literary form
we now call the novel.
318
00:12:30,409 --> 00:12:32,689
So, I must ask you,
319
00:12:32,713 --> 00:12:35,328
where do you get your ideas from?
320
00:12:40,395 --> 00:12:41,975
Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want
321
00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:43,644
to jump in anytime,
just feel like a normal
322
00:12:43,668 --> 00:12:46,016
conversation, where we all
cut in each other and...
323
00:12:49,093 --> 00:12:50,728
Too true.
324
00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:52,929
- An energy vampire?
- Yeah.
325
00:12:52,953 --> 00:12:54,607
And so there's...
326
00:12:55,036 --> 00:12:58,541
like, nothing I can do to-to change it?
327
00:12:58,565 --> 00:13:00,645
No. I'm afraid not, my boy.
328
00:13:00,669 --> 00:13:02,615
You see, it's genetics.
It's beyond our control.
329
00:13:02,639 --> 00:13:04,486
If I'd have been told
when I was your age
330
00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:06,523
that I'd be burdened
with rugged good looks,
331
00:13:06,547 --> 00:13:08,828
a rapier wit, and a thick cock,
332
00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:12,335
I, too, would have protested,
but, uh, them's the breaks.
333
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,974
Just... an energy vampire,
334
00:13:14,998 --> 00:13:16,525
it just, it sounds so awful.
335
00:13:16,549 --> 00:13:18,286
Yeah, it's not great.
336
00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:22,489
Well, why didn't you do something?
337
00:13:22,513 --> 00:13:24,559
You should have ought
to done something about it
338
00:13:24,583 --> 00:13:25,996
instead of just sitting here.
339
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:29,069
You know the saying,
"Man makes plans and...
340
00:13:29,093 --> 00:13:30,905
hmm, laughs."
341
00:13:30,929 --> 00:13:32,275
Who, God?
342
00:13:32,299 --> 00:13:33,677
Now you're blaming God?
343
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,848
Who next, Baby Jesus?!
344
00:13:35,872 --> 00:13:38,479
I hate you!
345
00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:40,206
Shit, that's painful.
346
00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:43,798
I'm doing fine, I guess.
347
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,334
You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone
348
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,071
and Colin basically all grown up,
349
00:13:47,095 --> 00:13:49,733
I feel like there's not much
for me to do around here.
350
00:13:51,671 --> 00:13:54,786
So, I guess this is what it
feels like to be an empty nester.
351
00:13:54,810 --> 00:13:57,025
I never thought
I'd get bored of this job
352
00:13:57,049 --> 00:13:59,003
'cause there's always something to do,
353
00:13:59,027 --> 00:14:00,832
but nothing ever changes,
354
00:14:00,856 --> 00:14:02,502
even in my personal life.
355
00:14:02,526 --> 00:14:04,116
I found my first boyfriend, and he...
356
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:05,775
left me for himself.
357
00:14:05,799 --> 00:14:09,049
It's back to where it all
started and the same
358
00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:10,651
day in, day out.
359
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:12,655
It's like hamsters in those wheels.
360
00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:14,392
I'm a hamster in a...
361
00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:17,422
wheel.
362
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,687
Knock, knock.
Seeing if you need anything.
363
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:31,460
No. All good. Thanks.
364
00:14:31,484 --> 00:14:32,529
You're kind of quiet lately.
365
00:14:32,553 --> 00:14:35,468
Are you sad because Marwa's gone?
366
00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:37,705
There's nothing like
the end of a relationship
367
00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:40,511
to really make one
appreciate being alone.
368
00:14:40,535 --> 00:14:42,048
So that's it?
369
00:14:42,072 --> 00:14:43,985
- That is what?
- It was so important
370
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,423
for you to find a wife
and have a huge wedding,
371
00:14:46,447 --> 00:14:49,367
and now that's all gone,
and you're just fine?
372
00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:50,794
Pretty much, yeah.
373
00:14:51,988 --> 00:14:54,039
Don't you feel like nothing
ever changes around here?
374
00:14:54,063 --> 00:14:56,543
Like, every day just leads to the next
375
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,004
and then the next,
and before you know it,
376
00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:01,186
- years go by?
- Yes.
377
00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:03,524
Isn't it wonderful?
378
00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:04,783
Okay.
379
00:15:06,187 --> 00:15:07,599
So then what's next?
380
00:15:07,623 --> 00:15:08,969
As you may have noticed,
381
00:15:08,993 --> 00:15:11,573
I've really got back
into reading books,
382
00:15:11,597 --> 00:15:12,642
so I think
383
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:14,206
I'm just gonna do this for a while.
384
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,230
- Oh, for how long?
- Not long.
385
00:15:16,254 --> 00:15:18,745
15 years, maybe 20.
386
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,502
As I once said,
387
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,773
you can only win over the opponent...
388
00:15:44,797 --> 00:15:46,710
We figured out,
we don't need to do these
389
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:47,933
in front of a live audience.
390
00:15:47,957 --> 00:15:50,463
We can reach a bigger group
of people by simply
391
00:15:50,487 --> 00:15:53,160
recording it and then
broadcasting it electronically.
392
00:15:53,481 --> 00:15:55,061
Hello, and welcome to
393
00:15:55,085 --> 00:15:57,165
Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos.
394
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,826
On tonight's episode...
395
00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:01,573
Then we can make money
by selling advertising on it.
396
00:16:01,597 --> 00:16:05,147
Hatred is the subtlest form of...
397
00:16:05,171 --> 00:16:06,951
If I could just, uh,
quickly interrupt for a moment.
398
00:16:06,975 --> 00:16:08,654
Would you be so kind as to read off
399
00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:10,625
- this card, Mr. Gandhi?
- Mm.
400
00:16:10,649 --> 00:16:13,063
"Pan-seared steaks
401
00:16:13,087 --> 00:16:14,866
"with hot honey biscuits.
402
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,173
"Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas.
403
00:16:18,197 --> 00:16:21,480
"And those are just two
of the signature dishes
404
00:16:21,504 --> 00:16:22,715
- coming from..."
- Mmm, mmm.
405
00:16:22,739 --> 00:16:24,653
"Blue Apron this month."
406
00:16:24,677 --> 00:16:27,125
Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma,
407
00:16:27,149 --> 00:16:28,527
when was the first time
408
00:16:28,551 --> 00:16:30,264
you tried Blue Apron?
409
00:16:31,446 --> 00:16:32,682
Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it.
410
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,539
Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway.
411
00:16:34,563 --> 00:16:35,976
I-I wanted you to do
412
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,971
the Casper mattresses one
before the next break.
413
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,953
So, the money from our sponsorships
414
00:16:44,977 --> 00:16:46,826
was dependent on total
415
00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:50,905
listeners. We made Guillermo
listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents.
416
00:16:50,929 --> 00:16:54,286
All that witchcraft for nothing.
417
00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:56,550
Turns out the world just isn't ready
418
00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,587
for electronic audio stories.
419
00:16:58,611 --> 00:16:59,856
It also has no use
420
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,560
for a vampire nightclub.
421
00:17:01,584 --> 00:17:03,895
Enough is enough.
422
00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:05,722
I told The Guide to go
and sleep at my house
423
00:17:05,746 --> 00:17:07,684
for a girls night, and she obviously
424
00:17:07,708 --> 00:17:10,115
jumped far too enthusiastically
at that chance.
425
00:17:10,139 --> 00:17:12,378
Ciao. Au revoir.
426
00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:14,606
I told the wraiths that
they've been working too hard,
427
00:17:14,777 --> 00:17:16,156
so they should go on vacation.
428
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:18,127
Send me a postcard.
See you when you're back.
429
00:17:18,151 --> 00:17:20,792
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
430
00:17:22,649 --> 00:17:24,639
You guys should probably
get out of here.
431
00:17:24,663 --> 00:17:27,035
It's over.
432
00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:33,628
I said get out. Fuck off.
433
00:18:38,744 --> 00:18:40,882
Move.
434
00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:06,796
This is all my fault.
If I had not accepted
435
00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:08,700
your kind invitation last night...
436
00:20:08,724 --> 00:20:10,171
- Thank you again, by the way...
- Mm-hmm.
437
00:20:10,195 --> 00:20:11,806
I would have been here,
and I could have
438
00:20:11,830 --> 00:20:13,310
- kept this from happening.
- Listen,
439
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,714
we can't be everywhere
all the time, can we?
440
00:20:15,738 --> 00:20:17,852
No, but we did get lucky.
441
00:20:17,876 --> 00:20:20,925
Nothing actually got burned. Phew.
442
00:20:20,949 --> 00:20:22,728
Nothing got burned?
443
00:20:22,752 --> 00:20:23,897
The blood sprinklers went off
444
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:25,734
and extinguished the fire
before it could
445
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:26,903
really get going.
446
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,307
- The blood sprinklers?
- Yes.
447
00:20:28,331 --> 00:20:31,246
The blood sprinklers
that have never worked
448
00:20:31,270 --> 00:20:34,018
any of the times we have tried
to make them work?
449
00:20:34,042 --> 00:20:37,916
This is making me very hungry.
450
00:20:39,883 --> 00:20:43,437
So, your office
is the only room that got burned
451
00:20:43,461 --> 00:20:45,261
because there are
no blood sprinklers in it.
452
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:46,376
Yes.
453
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,251
I am so upset right now.
454
00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:51,853
So, I was just wondering, um,
455
00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:53,156
how much money can we get for this?
456
00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:54,893
Depends what kind
of insurance you have.
457
00:20:54,917 --> 00:20:57,298
What is "insur-suriance,"
458
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,935
and, uh, where can we get some?
459
00:20:58,959 --> 00:21:02,074
Uh, probably a little late
for that at this point.
460
00:21:02,098 --> 00:21:04,153
You said you had a floor plan
I can take a look at?
461
00:21:04,177 --> 00:21:05,514
Yes, right this way.
462
00:21:05,538 --> 00:21:07,351
Shit.
463
00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:15,326
I haven't been making
the best decisions recently,
464
00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:19,533
thanks to all the delicious
liquor blood I've been drinking.
465
00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:26,790
My money.
466
00:21:26,814 --> 00:21:30,864
She was so fresh and green,
467
00:21:30,888 --> 00:21:34,329
and now the faces are all burnt!
468
00:22:07,262 --> 00:22:09,042
No. The way it works
469
00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:10,979
is, you buy the insurance
470
00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:12,882
before something bad happens,
471
00:22:12,906 --> 00:22:14,252
- and then...
- No, I think, my friend,
472
00:22:14,276 --> 00:22:16,456
you buy. And did you buy? No.
473
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,860
How much money could we get
474
00:22:18,884 --> 00:22:20,264
if we set him on fire?
475
00:22:20,288 --> 00:22:22,001
Hey, hey. What's up?
476
00:22:22,025 --> 00:22:23,537
How's it hanging?
477
00:22:23,561 --> 00:22:25,307
L-O-L. R-O-F-L.
478
00:22:25,331 --> 00:22:28,277
Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F.
479
00:22:28,301 --> 00:22:31,322
All those acronyms, I love them.
480
00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:35,205
Colin Robinson?
481
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,734
Is it really you?
482
00:22:36,758 --> 00:22:38,997
Well, it's not Don Knotts.
483
00:22:39,021 --> 00:22:41,406
- But how the shit have you...?
- Oh, well,
484
00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:45,214
the great thing about keeping
a detailed diary is,
485
00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:48,612
if you ever forget
anything about your life,
486
00:22:48,636 --> 00:22:50,022
you can look it up.
487
00:22:50,046 --> 00:22:53,080
It's also great for receipts.
488
00:22:53,104 --> 00:22:54,565
Now, a lot of people
489
00:22:54,589 --> 00:22:57,171
keep receipts,
but they forget to write down
490
00:22:57,195 --> 00:22:58,975
what they were for, which causes
491
00:22:58,999 --> 00:23:01,179
a major headache come tax time.
492
00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:03,705
Whether you hire an accountant or
493
00:23:03,729 --> 00:23:05,654
you do it online by yourself,
494
00:23:05,678 --> 00:23:07,191
you're gonna miss some deductions
495
00:23:07,215 --> 00:23:09,629
because you won't be able to reference
496
00:23:09,653 --> 00:23:12,068
what they were when Johnny Taxman
497
00:23:12,092 --> 00:23:13,637
- comes and...
- Colin Robinson, tell me something,
498
00:23:13,661 --> 00:23:16,910
a while ago, we went to
a lads night at Sean's house,
499
00:23:16,934 --> 00:23:18,696
and as we entered his premises,
500
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,617
you used some ridiculous
childish voice.
501
00:23:20,641 --> 00:23:23,323
Meesa Jar Jar Binks.
502
00:23:23,347 --> 00:23:25,194
- It's him.
- Ah. Well,
503
00:23:25,218 --> 00:23:28,200
welcome back, original
Colin Robinson. Now,
504
00:23:28,224 --> 00:23:30,204
how much money do we have
in our bank account?
505
00:23:30,228 --> 00:23:34,164
Uh, around $655,415
506
00:23:34,188 --> 00:23:35,677
and change.
507
00:23:35,701 --> 00:23:37,852
- Oh, yes, very nice.
- Now, I wanted to roll that
508
00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:39,288
into a Roth IRA, not to be confused...
509
00:23:39,312 --> 00:23:40,557
What's our bank account PIN code?
510
00:23:40,581 --> 00:23:43,497
Oh, our personal identification number
511
00:23:43,521 --> 00:23:45,501
is 420, 69, 24, 7.
512
00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:47,138
I'll call the contractors
in the morning.
513
00:23:47,162 --> 00:23:51,103
Actually, if it's to fix
up this shithole, I'll do it.
514
00:23:51,127 --> 00:23:52,983
If there's anything I enjoy more
515
00:23:53,007 --> 00:23:54,252
than managing a project,
516
00:23:54,276 --> 00:23:56,156
it's micromanaging a project.
517
00:23:56,180 --> 00:23:59,629
And, so, after you replace these pipes,
518
00:23:59,653 --> 00:24:01,566
- we're gonna want to put in...
- New Sheetrock and...
519
00:24:01,590 --> 00:24:03,503
Excuse me, if I may finish.
520
00:24:03,527 --> 00:24:05,975
We're gonna want to put on half-inch
521
00:24:05,999 --> 00:24:07,645
VOC-absorbing drywall,
522
00:24:07,669 --> 00:24:11,019
not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said.
523
00:24:11,043 --> 00:24:13,590
Uh, Laszlo, what do you want
to do with this race car bed?
524
00:24:13,614 --> 00:24:15,661
Do you want to keep it,
or can we get rid of it?
525
00:24:15,685 --> 00:24:17,731
Well...
526
00:24:17,755 --> 00:24:19,259
that's your bed.
527
00:24:19,283 --> 00:24:20,637
Well, it was.
528
00:24:20,661 --> 00:24:22,408
I-I-I've never seen
this bed in my life.
529
00:24:22,432 --> 00:24:24,363
All right, well, shitcan the bed.
530
00:24:24,387 --> 00:24:25,982
Now let's head downstairs.
531
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,253
I want to give you guys
a couple quick tips
532
00:24:28,277 --> 00:24:31,659
on how to remove old Formica tiling.
533
00:24:31,683 --> 00:24:32,695
The asbestos
534
00:24:32,719 --> 00:24:34,165
in the adhesive
535
00:24:34,189 --> 00:24:35,534
- can become quite a...
- Colin?
536
00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:37,605
- Yeah.
- So, you really don't remember
537
00:24:37,629 --> 00:24:39,109
anything from the last year?
538
00:24:39,133 --> 00:24:40,672
Uh, no.
539
00:24:40,696 --> 00:24:42,678
Not really. I-I remember it was my...
540
00:24:42,702 --> 00:24:45,195
100th birthday party,
and I had a bit of, uh,
541
00:24:45,219 --> 00:24:46,970
- tummy trouble...
- Right.
542
00:24:46,994 --> 00:24:48,355
And the next thing I remember is,
543
00:24:48,379 --> 00:24:50,731
I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah,
544
00:24:50,755 --> 00:24:51,900
everything in between's a blank.
545
00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:55,474
You don't remember me bringing
you up from a small baby?
546
00:24:55,498 --> 00:24:57,758
No. No, not at all.
547
00:24:57,782 --> 00:24:59,195
Do you remember, um,
548
00:24:59,219 --> 00:25:01,686
me playing the piano
and you singing and dancing?
549
00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:04,592
And then sometimes we'd jump
over the fence at the zoo
550
00:25:04,616 --> 00:25:06,629
in the middle of the night
to look at the baby rhinos?
551
00:25:06,653 --> 00:25:09,469
Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell.
552
00:25:09,493 --> 00:25:10,737
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
553
00:25:10,761 --> 00:25:11,913
- You sure?
- Yeah.
554
00:25:11,937 --> 00:25:14,070
Do-do you smell toast or anything?
555
00:25:14,094 --> 00:25:16,065
- I'm-I'm good.
- All right.
556
00:25:32,772 --> 00:25:35,053
Nothing ever changes in this house.
557
00:25:35,077 --> 00:25:37,057
Nothing is ever going to change,
558
00:25:37,081 --> 00:25:38,326
unless I change it.
559
00:25:38,350 --> 00:25:40,330
So, that's it for me.
560
00:25:40,354 --> 00:25:42,501
Oh, and you guys can use my room
for storage if you want.
561
00:25:42,525 --> 00:25:43,803
I won't need it.
562
00:25:50,210 --> 00:25:51,805
Derek?
563
00:25:51,829 --> 00:25:53,032
Yeah, in the back.
564
00:25:54,115 --> 00:25:55,385
Derek.
565
00:25:55,409 --> 00:25:56,763
Yeah, back here.
566
00:25:56,787 --> 00:26:00,137
I just got to finish
this account. 24 times 18.
567
00:26:00,161 --> 00:26:02,641
Okay. What is so urgent?
568
00:26:02,665 --> 00:26:04,812
Well, Derek...
569
00:26:04,836 --> 00:26:06,160
this...
570
00:26:06,429 --> 00:26:07,773
is for you.
571
00:26:07,797 --> 00:26:09,801
Whoa.
572
00:26:10,147 --> 00:26:12,610
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Nothing.
573
00:26:12,634 --> 00:26:14,204
It's what you're about to do.
574
00:26:14,228 --> 00:26:15,598
Which is...?
575
00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:18,815
You're gonna make me a vampire.
576
00:26:20,135 --> 00:26:23,149
♪ Is this the little girl ♪
577
00:26:23,173 --> 00:26:26,322
♪ I carried? ♪
578
00:26:26,346 --> 00:26:29,195
♪ Is this the little boy ♪
579
00:26:29,219 --> 00:26:32,292
♪ At play? ♪
580
00:26:33,327 --> 00:26:36,109
♪ I don't remember ♪
581
00:26:36,133 --> 00:26:39,606
♪ Growing older ♪
582
00:26:40,341 --> 00:26:46,420
♪ When did they? ♪
583
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,871
♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
584
00:26:50,895 --> 00:26:52,875
♪ Sunrise ♪
585
00:26:52,899 --> 00:26:54,679
♪ Sunset ♪
586
00:26:54,703 --> 00:27:00,691
♪ Swiftly flow the days. ♪
587
00:27:00,715 --> 00:27:08,715
- Synced & corrected by L0tech -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
42457
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