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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi Ritch.
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Hi daddy.
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You're late. - Yeah.
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I know. I didn't get a chance to call.
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Is Momma mad?
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I don't know.
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She's in the kitchen talking to a man.
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Anybody we know?
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Uh uh.
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He has a mustache.
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He's a lawyer.
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A lawyer?
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Just because I'm late for dinner?
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Laura?
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In here darling.
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Do you take it off when it goes ding or ding ding?
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No, the ding just lets you know it's ready.
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And then it'll shut itself off.
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Hi Darling.
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Darling, this is our new neighbor Arthur Stanwyck.
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My husband, Rob Petrie.
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Oh, hi Arthur.
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Hi Rob.
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Ow.
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Your wife's been kind enough to instruct me
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in the operation of all my new mechanical devices.
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Oh, how's she doing?
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Well, she's been trying to teach
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me how to make a chicken roast itself
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while I'm out playing golf.
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I've got the same equipment in my kitchen.
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But I must say, I'm thoroughly confused.
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Listen, I never have been able to figure out all these timers.
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You better let your wife do it. It's safer.
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Yeah, I know.
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But that's a big price to pay just
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to get your stove turned off.
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How's that?
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Well Arthur's not married.
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Oh, you're not?
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I'm afraid I'm a bachelor.
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Well don't be afraid.
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Some of the most married men I know were bachelors.
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We just love it.
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Say, Arthur, are you engaged or anything?
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No, nothing.
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As a matter of fact, I'm so unentangled at the moment,
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that next week I'm going to a Bar Association ball
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with my brother.
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Oh that's terrible.
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Oh, no, no. Not really.
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He's a rotten dancer.
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I beg your pardon?
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Well, his wife is an excellent one, and I take over for him.
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Oh.
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Well, I won't hold you two folks up any longer.
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Thanks for the course in stoves and water heaters.
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Listen, would you like to stay for dinner?
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Well thanks, but I have a house
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full of dust to rearrange.
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May I have a rain check?
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Sure, you can cash it in tomorrow night or Friday
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if you like. - I'd love it.
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May I call you on that? - Please do.
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Thanks again. Bye.
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Bye.
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Call us if you need anything.
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Thanks.
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He's kind of a nice guy.
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Very.
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What's a good looking bachelor with a mustache
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doing living in the suburbs?
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Well I asked him that, not quite that way of course.
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But he said he's looking for a quieter way of life.
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Sort of a change from the bustle of the city.
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ROB: Well I hope he finds it.
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You know what I think he's looking for?
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ROB: What? - A wife.
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Yeah?
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Who's?
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LAURA: Oh, well don't--
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I won't give him yours.
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Well that's OK.
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Listen, Darling.
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I know how you hate it, but would you mind if I took
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one more fling at matchmaking?
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What if I said no to that?
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I'll probably do it behind your back.
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Yeah, that's what I thought.
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Well go ahead if you want to, but I
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don't think that he's her type.
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He's who's type?
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Well, Sally of course.
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Oh, I agree.
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But why bother about it?
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Well I was thinking about my cousin Donna.
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Your cousin Donna?
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Yeah, she'd be just perfect for him Rob.
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Are you kidding, honey?
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She's more imperfect for him than Sally is.
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This guy strikes me as being quite a live one.
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Well Donna's a live one too.
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Well, yeah, she's alive.
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This guy, he's a golf playing lawyer
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that dances with a mustache.
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Listen, there's a lot more to life than just dancing,
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and I think Donna and Arthur have a lot in common.
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Yeah, like what?
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Well, like Arthur likes to live in the suburbs,
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and so does Donna.
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You'll admit that Sally hates the suburbs.
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She claims that she does.
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Besides, Sally once told me she hated men with mustaches
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and Donna has always loved David Niven.
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Oh, good, that leaves Sally free to meet Arthur.
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I'm going to call Donna.
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Call Sally.
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Donna.
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Call Sally.
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We'll call them both.
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Both?
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Why, can you think of a fairer way to do it?
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No, I guess not.
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All right, call them both, and make the best lady win.
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Still busy.
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Now Honey, why don't you just forget the matchmaking?
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We'll have Arthur over Thursday or Friday,
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we'll give him a nice brisket of beef.
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No.
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We'll have him over Thursday and Friday.
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What, two dinners?
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Yeah, that way he can meet them both separately
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and make up his own mind.
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That's great.
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I'll call Donna for Thursday and then you ask Sally for Friday.
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OK?
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Hang up.
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What now?
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Why should Donna get a head start?
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What do you mean?
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Well Honey, there's a psychological advantage
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in the first meeting.
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Oh, Rob, that's silly.
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What do you mean, silly?
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Do you ever hear of anybody falling
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in love on second sight?
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Oh.
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Now that's just ridiculous.
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Did you ever hear of anybody say second come first serve?
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Rob, it doesn't make any difference at all.
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That's right, it doesn't.
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So I'll call Sally first.
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All right, you go right ahead.
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And I'll never speak to you again.
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We'll be fair about it and flip a coin.
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Heads, I win.
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Wait, I didn't even call it yet!
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Rob, you know heads is mine.
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Ever since we've been married heads is mine.
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Oh.
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You sure you didn't used to take tails?
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I hate tails.
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I'm calling Sally, and I'm going to ask her for Friday.
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And I'll call Donna and ask her for Thursday.
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Agreed? - OK.
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Wait a minute.
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Oh, Rob, what now?
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Now that we've got Arthur's future all planned for him,
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you think we ought to call him and tell him?
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Good idea.
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Boy, since I put up that new target, my aim is beautiful.
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You better cut it out.
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Mel's been complaining of headaches.
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Serious?
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Really?
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Oh, hi Rob.
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Sal, what's your feeling about mustaches?
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Well, they should be worn under the nose.
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And women should definitely be discouraged from growing them.
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And I'll ask you one.
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What ever happened to good morning for a greeting?
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I'll get to it in a minute.
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Sal, tell me.
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How do you feel about living in the suburbs?
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Well, I'm not too crazy about them.
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But if I get a firm offer from a good looking suburb,
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I might consider it.
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Hey Rob, you got a guy for our Sal?
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Yeah, you got something?
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I might have, Sal.
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But he lives in a suburb and he loves it.
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So I'll buy 100 pounds of crabgrass and convert.
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No she won't.
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You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
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Well maybe you can, but the pig would be deaf.
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Hey Rob, who is this farmer who is changing
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my whole mode of living?
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Well he's a new neighbor of ours.
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He's a bachelor named Arthur Stanwyck,
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and Laura and I'd like you to come
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over Friday night and meet him.
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Good, then I'll be there.
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Suburbs.
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Yeah, I'd like to look out my window and see a little green.
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Why don't you get an apartment in front of a stoplight?
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Sal?
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Doesn't it bother you at all that the guy has a mustache?
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No, just as long as they don't droop over his teeth.
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Why, you're fickle.
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You told me you could never go for a guy with a mustache.
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Well that was last year.
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Next year I'm accepting tattoos.
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Boy, the guy that puts these corks in
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must be the same guy that puts lids on macadamia nuts.
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Why don't you use that new one?
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The one that goes like that?
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Well there's no challenge in that one.
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Well they should be here any minute now.
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I sure wish Sally was the one meeting him first.
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Oh Rob, you're not going to start that now?
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I'm not starting anything.
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Will you please remember that this is not a contest.
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So I hope you're not going to do anything that would ruin
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Donna's chances of winning it.
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But it's not a contest.
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You know what I mean.
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Yeah, I know what you mean.
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You mean I can't even lock her in a bathroom or trip
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her like Sally suggested.
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Rob.
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[door bell]
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Oh, Darling, would you get it?
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I'll be right out.
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OK.
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And behave yourself.
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I won't trip her unless she trips me first.
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Oh, hi Donna. - Hi Rob.
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Come on in.
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Nice to see you.
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Let me take your coat.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Oh, that's all right.
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It's supposed to be that way.
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I designed it myself.
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Oh.
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Gee, that's-- [inaudible] I've never seen anything like that.
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Is that all?
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Yes, that's all.
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ROB: Honey, Donna's here.
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LAURA: Hi!
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I'll be right out.
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Don't rush Laura.
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Well, how you been Donna?
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Just fine Rob.
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How's Aunt Martha and Uncle Edward?
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Well actually, I don't see my parents much anymore.
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We don't have anything in common.
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Well, except maybe your grandparents.
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Actually, I could have more in common with my grandparents
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than my parents, genetically speaking.
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Hereditary patterns often skip a generation.
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Oh, yeah.
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Matter of fact, ours did.
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Are you still taking harp lessons?
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I never took harp lessons.
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Oh, I thought--
271
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,034
I thought you played some kind of instrument.
272
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:31,604
Oh that was the Cambodian [inaudible]
273
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:32,805
Oh, that's right.
274
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,106
You're a [inaudible] player.
275
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:35,474
Yeah.
276
00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:36,809
Well isn't that something like a harp?
277
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,244
Oh, no, not at all.
278
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:41,948
Actually, a [inaudible] is an East Indian milking
279
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,916
funnel covered with goat guts.
280
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,385
Oh, and you just kind of-- just--
281
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:47,887
Yeah.
282
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:48,621
I see.
283
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:50,690
Oh, G and E flat minor.
284
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:51,757
I think that's Arthur.
285
00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:54,460
Oh, no, the doorbell.
286
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,828
You mean the pitch?
287
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:56,529
Uh huh.
288
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:57,930
E and E and E and--
289
00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:58,831
Bom, bom.
290
00:09:58,931 --> 00:09:59,565
Bom.
291
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:01,534
I didn't know that.
292
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:02,435
Hi Rob!
293
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,369
How are you?
294
00:10:03,469 --> 00:10:04,770
Oh, I'm sorry.
295
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:06,706
Don't be sorry, it's an excellent year.
296
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:14,880
Hello, hello, hello.
297
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:15,915
Hi.
298
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,316
Arthur Stanwyck, I'd like you to meet
299
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:18,918
my cousin, Donna Palmer.
300
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:21,087
Well, I'm very happy to meet you.
301
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,021
Hello.
302
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,622
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have
303
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:24,957
these lovely hors d'oeurve in the oven
304
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,025
and I do hate to burn them.
305
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,226
Oh, and Laura, let me help you.
306
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:28,427
No, no, no.
307
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:29,595
You stay there and entertain Arthur.
308
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:30,863
I know you're a wiz in the kitchen.
309
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,932
And she really is a marvelous cook.
310
00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:34,567
- Oh, is she now? - Yes.
311
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:35,601
She illustrated a cookbook.
312
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:39,605
Yeah, she draws the best food.
313
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,207
She once drew a boiled chicken.
314
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,608
Rob, I think that's--
315
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,944
Well Arthur, why don't you sit down this nice easy chair here
316
00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:46,512
and make-- [clearing throat]
317
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:47,446
Wait a minute.
318
00:10:47,546 --> 00:10:48,714
Sit on that sofa.
319
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,050
I think you'll get more out of it.
320
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,756
Well.
321
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,492
Donna, did you know that Arthur's a successful lawyer.
322
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:00,626
Oh, yes, I know.
323
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:01,761
Laura told me so.
324
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,362
Yeah, he's got his own ambulance.
325
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,603
And Donna here is a psychologist, Arthur.
326
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:12,171
She is?
327
00:11:12,271 --> 00:11:13,939
Well, I hope you're not nursing any grudges against lawyers.
328
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:14,874
Oh, no.
329
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:16,342
But in my work as a psychologist,
330
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,278
I have had some rather heated discussions with members
331
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:20,212
of your profession.
332
00:11:20,312 --> 00:11:21,347
That's wonderful.
333
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,782
I beg your pardon?
334
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,116
Well I mean, you and Arthur have a little something
335
00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:25,051
in common there.
336
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:26,585
What's that?
337
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,387
Professional antagonism.
338
00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:34,293
Paternalism.
339
00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:37,363
Actually, I enjoy discussions with my lawyer friends.
340
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,232
Well I hope we enjoy our discussion tonight.
341
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:41,934
Oh I'm sure we will.
342
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,170
That's a beautiful stone.
343
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:45,071
What is it?
344
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,505
A rock.
345
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:49,275
I found it in my backyard.
346
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,877
I have some great rocks in my yard.
347
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:53,546
Oh, I'd love to see them.
348
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:54,980
You see, I mount my own rocks.
349
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,382
Did you mount this one?
350
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,117
Oh, yes I did.
351
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,118
May I?
352
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:04,056
A beautiful job of mounting.
353
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:05,724
Can you see with my glasses?
354
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:06,625
Perfectly.
355
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:08,761
Isn't that marvelous?
356
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:13,365
They both have the same prescription.
357
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:17,036
You know, actually I made a lot of my own jewelry.
358
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:18,971
Well, I've always admired people
359
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,439
who can work with their hands.
360
00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,776
I've never been able to.
361
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,144
Oh, Laura, Laura.
362
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:25,945
Let me help you.
363
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,379
LAURA: No, that's all right.
364
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,648
[screaming]
365
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:31,917
Rob!
366
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:34,887
No, it's my fault. I'm just clumsy.
367
00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:36,422
You are not clumsy, Donna.
368
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:37,790
You are very graceful.
369
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,725
She dances like the wind.
370
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,026
Oh, Rob.
371
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,095
Why don't you just lock her in the bathroom?
372
00:12:43,195 --> 00:12:45,664
Arthur, would you like a glass of wine?
373
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,199
Thank you. Thank you, Rob.
374
00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:47,933
I'd love one.
375
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,135
How about you Donna?
376
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:50,069
Oh, me too.
377
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:51,237
Oh, well.
378
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,271
Oh well what?
379
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:54,440
They both love wine.
380
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,643
Isn't that compatible?
381
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,778
[speaking french]
382
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,480
You speak French?
383
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:02,648
A little.
384
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:03,782
I picked it up from foreign films.
385
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:05,484
You like foreign films?
386
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:06,519
I love them.
387
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,620
Don't you just hate subtitles?
388
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,021
Oh, I despise them.
389
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,122
They make me nauseous.
390
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:10,923
Me too.
391
00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:12,525
Oh, they both get nauseous.
392
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,199
What do you think of Ingmar Bergman?
393
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,636
Well I find his symbolism a little too blatant.
394
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,204
ARTHUR: I'm afraid I have to agree.
395
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,740
DONNA: You know the clock without hands in that Wild
396
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,775
Strawberries dream sequence?
397
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,343
Well its meaning was so obvious.
398
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,246
Oh, much too obvious.
399
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:36,749
But you are the first person who's ever agreed with me.
400
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,384
Arthur, have a little more wine there.
401
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,351
No, no, no, Arthur.
402
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:41,921
You save your palate for my chicken.
403
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,822
You know, a new set of screenings
404
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:44,957
is starting at the museum.
405
00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:46,458
- I know, I'm a member. - You are?
406
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,626
Yes.
407
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:50,262
So am I. Isn't that a coincidence?
408
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,731
Well, isn't it?
409
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,500
A lot of people belong to museums.
410
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,869
You don't have to be the same blood type exactly.
411
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:59,171
Rob, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen?
412
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,240
Honey, we have guests here.
413
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,742
I'm sure they can take care of themselves, Darling.
414
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,644
Let's us go check my chicken paprikash.
415
00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:06,779
Shall we?
416
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,515
Oh, I just love chicken paprikash.
417
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:10,583
Me too.
418
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,384
That figures.
419
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:15,421
Do you know if A Grand Illusion is scheduled?
420
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,156
Oh, I think it is.
421
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:19,358
Rob, what did you do with my [inaudible]??
422
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,359
Your what?
423
00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:21,293
My coat.
424
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:22,528
Oh, ponch-- coat.
425
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:23,929
[inaudible], it's in the den. I'll get it for you.
426
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,497
Oh, no, no, no. You help Laura.
427
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,432
I'll get it.
428
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,200
Do you have a problem?
429
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,436
You need a chaperone, you just yell.
430
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:33,606
Now sir, if there's anything I hate worse than subtitles,
431
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,074
it's a chaperone.
432
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:40,012
Ow.
433
00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:41,280
Why did you it?
434
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,248
That hurts!
435
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:44,883
Because you deserve to be punished.
436
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:47,820
You behaved just abominably.
437
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,121
You're winning anyhow.
438
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,689
I don't know why you had to give them wine.
439
00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:53,525
Up till then, the only thing they had in common was rocks.
440
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,729
Well I hope you're not planning any more sabotage.
441
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,465
Oh, now you don't think I really tripped them on purpose?
442
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,868
I'll reserve judgment until the evening is over.
443
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,003
[knocking]
444
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:07,039
DONNA: Please let me out of here!
445
00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:08,173
What is that?
446
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,209
Did you lock her in the bathroom?
447
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:11,143
What?
448
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:11,844
Oh!
449
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:13,479
Rob!
450
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:20,786
[interposing voices]
451
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:23,022
Donna, are you all right?
452
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,223
Hang on, Donna.
453
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,524
Rob, please, can't you do something?
454
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:26,458
Donna.
455
00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:27,493
Hold on Donna.
456
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,961
Stand back Donna. Get out of the way.
457
00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:30,396
We're going to get you out Donna.
458
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,635
LAURA: Are you all right?
459
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:37,670
I'm fine.
460
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:42,341
Come on out, Donna.
461
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,275
[screaming]
462
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:44,276
Oh!
463
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:44,977
Donna!
464
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:48,347
I feel so silly.
465
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,882
Oh, Rob.
466
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,318
That is the dirtiest trick of all time.
467
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:53,652
Don't tell me you didn't do it.
468
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:54,687
[interposing voices]
469
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,688
--told me you wouldn't do it.
470
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:59,024
[laughter]
471
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,093
Well, you can trip her all your like.
472
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,995
It doesn't seem to have any effect.
473
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,537
Actually, it's warm out.
474
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,604
I'll carry my sleeves.
475
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,539
Oh.
476
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,773
Invertable sleeves.
477
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:15,808
That's very clever.
478
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,710
And Donna designed it herself.
479
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:18,877
But you drive carefully now.
480
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,212
She's one of my favorite relatives.
481
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,815
Don't worry, she's in good hands.
482
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,817
Well, good bye all.
483
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,618
Good bye.
484
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,686
[screaming]
485
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:28,687
ARTHUR: I got her!
486
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,789
DONNA: Oh, I'm just so clumsy.
487
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,257
LAURA: Are you all right Donna?
488
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,792
DONNA: Yeah, I'm fine.
489
00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:34,793
Good bye Rob.
490
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,161
Good night, Donna.
491
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,799
All right, blame it on me!
492
00:16:40,899 --> 00:16:43,902
What did you leave in the walk?
493
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,404
I didn't leave anything in the walk.
494
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,939
She probably tripped on her own sleeves.
495
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:48,474
Oh.
496
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,577
Why, Sally hasn't got a chance.
497
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,246
Those two are a better match than we are.
498
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,415
I think I'll call her tomorrow and cancel the whole thing.
499
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:57,182
No Rob!
500
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:58,384
Everything's all arranged.
501
00:16:58,484 --> 00:16:59,918
Sally's coming over tomorrow night.
502
00:17:00,018 --> 00:17:01,854
Yeah, and they'll probably sit there the whole evening
503
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,055
and just stare at each other.
504
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,090
You think so?
505
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,126
I mean, do you think so?
506
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,279
So the messenger boy says, what are you talking about?
507
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,882
I just came to deliver a package.
508
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:30,849
That's the right punchline.
509
00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:32,151
Gee, you're wonderful.
510
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,152
ARTHUR: I told you, I know all the jokes.
511
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:34,453
I'll tell you what.
512
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,654
This time, you just give me a punch line,
513
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:36,655
and I'll tell you the joke.
514
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:37,556
Oh, no.
515
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:38,323
Yeah.
516
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,958
OK, just the punch line?
517
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,494
OK, here you go.
518
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,264
All right, then give me a haircut.
519
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,865
OK, here's a joke.
520
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:49,635
A drunk walks into a bar room, and he says to the bartender,
521
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,103
give me a Scotch and soda.
522
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,671
And then he drops his head down on the bar.
523
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,706
The bartender says, I can't serve you.
524
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:56,375
You're so drunk now you can't hold your head up.
525
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:58,610
So the drunk says, all right, then give me a haircut.
526
00:18:01,613 --> 00:18:03,882
Oh, Rob, this guy is the greatest.
527
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:05,117
I thought you said you were a lawyer.
528
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,819
Well I am, but as a kid my idols were
529
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,120
W. C. Fields and Fred Allen.
530
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,688
No Clarence Darrow?
531
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,689
No.
532
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,091
Frankie Darro.
533
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:14,293
SALLY: Well how'd you get so interested in law?
534
00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:16,261
Well, somebody heard my jokes and sued me.
535
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,697
I had to defend myself.
536
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:21,567
[inaudible] hey, you're my kind of guy.
537
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,269
Yeah, there's nothing I like better than a good comedy.
538
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:26,238
More than foreign films and rocks?
539
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:28,574
Oh, I have a wide variety of interests.
540
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,209
- Hey, you like rocks? - I love 'em!
541
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:31,210
Oh, me too.
542
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:34,146
Emeralds, sapphires, rubies.
543
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:36,281
Boy, them's my kind of rocks.
544
00:18:36,381 --> 00:18:39,852
Oh, you're talking to a poor lawyer, not a rich jeweler.
545
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:43,989
Oh, I wasn't suggesting that you buy them for me counselor.
546
00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:47,726
I'm going to buy them for you.
547
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:51,230
You're my kind of woman, Mrs. Calabash.
548
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,604
Oh, that was a wonderful dinner, Laura.
549
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,006
And I hope you're not mad at us for running off like this.
550
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:02,174
No, not at all.
551
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,709
Do you know, it's not very often
552
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,444
that I find a date who's a shooting gallery bud like I am.
553
00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:07,246
And the amusement park closes at midnight.
554
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:08,780
Well that's when the ducks go home.
555
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,182
They're unionized.
556
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,650
Listen, you two have fun.
557
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:12,751
Oh, don't worry.
558
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,152
We will.
559
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:16,221
And listen, if you beat me at the shooting gallery,
560
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,257
I'll pay your way to the exhibit right next to it.
561
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:19,191
What's that?
562
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:20,859
Tunnel of love.
563
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:22,494
Either way, I can't lose.
564
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:23,195
Good night.
565
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,630
Good night.
566
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:29,234
I don't get it.
567
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,836
I don't either.
568
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:33,071
He gets along with Sally just as well as he did with Donna.
569
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:34,640
But it's like two different people.
570
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,109
He seemed to really like them both,
571
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:38,710
and they both seem to like him.
572
00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:40,646
Yeah.
573
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,848
Well, their problem.
574
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,149
Let's get some sleep.
575
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,385
You know, it's like that story about the man
576
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:47,953
who was going to open a door.
577
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:51,990
Didn't know which was going to come out, a lady or a tiger.
578
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:53,926
Remember that story, Darling?
579
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,827
[screaming]
580
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,196
What did you do that for?
581
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,463
I just want you to know that I'm
582
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,465
for my candidate, the tiger.
583
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,737
You sure Sally gave him her phone number at work?
584
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,773
Honey, she gave him her phone number,
585
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,274
her office phone number, home address,
586
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,209
and I think her zip code.
587
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,678
I just don't understand it.
588
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:16,181
He spends two wonderful evenings with two wonderful girls
589
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:17,616
and then doesn't call either one of them.
590
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,685
I think he probably will in a couple of days.
591
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:22,321
I just can't wait to find out which one.
592
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:23,522
Why don't you call him and invite
593
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,423
him over to dinner again?
594
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:25,557
Three nights in a row?
595
00:20:25,657 --> 00:20:27,259
He'll think I'm after him.
596
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:30,963
Why don't you call him, Darling?
597
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,164
You're a man.
598
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:33,899
What am I going to say to him?
599
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:36,602
Well, invite him over to work in your hobby shop
600
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:37,502
or something.
601
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:38,870
Honey?
602
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,573
I haven't got a hobby shop or something.
603
00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:46,612
Well, ask him over for some other manly reason.
604
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:47,746
Hi fella.
605
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:51,617
Would you like to come over and shave with me?
606
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:53,385
[door bell]
607
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:54,920
That's probably Millie.
608
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:57,055
I told her I'd help her hem a dress later this evening.
609
00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:58,724
Oh.
610
00:20:58,824 --> 00:20:59,958
It's him! - Hi!
611
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:01,393
Arthur Stanwyck.
612
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:02,961
Hey, we were just going to ask you over for coffee.
613
00:21:03,061 --> 00:21:05,330
I just wanted to drop off a little something to thank you
614
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,531
for those two lovely evenings.
615
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:07,733
You didn't have to do that.
616
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:09,201
You will stay for coffee, won't you?
617
00:21:09,301 --> 00:21:10,369
Oh, I don't want to bother you.
618
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:11,236
- No bother at all. - Not at all.
619
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:11,970
I'll get the coffee.
620
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:12,904
I got Arthur.
621
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:14,172
OK.
622
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,674
I'm not interrupting your dinner, am I?
623
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:16,908
No.
624
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,477
We always have little coffee and cake before dinner.
625
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:22,414
A diet.
626
00:21:22,514 --> 00:21:24,349
It ruins your appetite.
627
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,885
Well I'm getting to be sort of a permanent fixture
628
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:27,819
around here.
629
00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:28,887
Yes.
630
00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:30,822
LAURA: Here we are.
631
00:21:30,922 --> 00:21:32,157
Well that was fast.
632
00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:33,091
Yes, instant coffee.
633
00:21:33,191 --> 00:21:34,359
Oh dear.
634
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:35,794
Wow, it's a wonderful world we live in.
635
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:37,095
It certainly is.
636
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:38,130
Thank you.
637
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:41,033
There we are.
638
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:45,404
Honey, you should have waited for the water to get hot.
639
00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:51,710
Well-- cold coffee is nice for a change.
640
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:54,379
I really shouldn't have anything anyway.
641
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:55,847
I have a date for dinner.
642
00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:56,782
Oh?
643
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:57,749
You do?
644
00:21:57,849 --> 00:21:58,483
Anybody we know?
645
00:21:58,583 --> 00:21:59,384
Well, I doubt it.
646
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,119
It's my ex-wife.
647
00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,954
Oh.
648
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,322
Your ex-wife?
649
00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:06,124
Did I say something to shock you?
650
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:07,359
No, why?
651
00:22:07,459 --> 00:22:09,695
You're wiping the tray with the cake.
652
00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:15,000
Sponge cake.
653
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,739
What about your ex-wife?
654
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,341
Oh well, she just got into town, and she phoned me.
655
00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:24,910
And so we decided to get together
656
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,378
and talk over old times.
657
00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:27,546
She was my first, you know.
658
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:28,714
Your first wife?
659
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:29,715
Yes.
660
00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:30,549
And my third.
661
00:22:30,649 --> 00:22:32,017
I married her twice.
662
00:22:32,117 --> 00:22:35,087
You've had two wives and three marriages?
663
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:36,521
Oh, yes.
664
00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:38,156
None of them worked out.
665
00:22:38,256 --> 00:22:40,592
I have this bad, bad temper you see.
666
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:46,264
And well, I'm prone to hit people that I love.
667
00:22:46,364 --> 00:22:49,201
You hit your wives?
668
00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:51,069
Well I have.
669
00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:53,739
I must be upsetting you people with my problems.
670
00:22:53,839 --> 00:22:55,073
No, no, no.
671
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:57,609
No, it's very interesting.
672
00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:59,544
I've been going to this psychiatrist now,
673
00:22:59,644 --> 00:23:02,180
and I must say, it's been very, very helpful.
674
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,217
I hardly hit at all anymore.
675
00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:07,552
Well how about Donna and Sally?
676
00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:09,154
Oh, they're lovely girls.
677
00:23:09,254 --> 00:23:10,122
I like both of them.
678
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,357
Well enough to hit--
679
00:23:12,457 --> 00:23:13,859
to take them out again?
680
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:14,593
Yes.
681
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:15,961
That's why I won't.
682
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,163
Now you see, my psychiatrist has advised me
683
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:20,532
never to take a woman out more than once until I've
684
00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:22,367
completely solved my problem.
685
00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:24,536
Oh, well that sounds like a good idea.
686
00:23:24,636 --> 00:23:28,140
Oh, yes, it's no sense in hurting people
687
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,174
you've grown fond of.
688
00:23:29,274 --> 00:23:30,776
No, no sense in that at all.
689
00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:33,278
I'd have asked one of them to that dance next weekend.
690
00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:36,148
But-- well, I like both of them too much.
691
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,116
Oh well that's wonderful.
692
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:39,851
I mean-- I mean that--
693
00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:40,652
well, you know.
694
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,454
Yeah, I know what you mean.
695
00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:43,688
Well, goodbye.
696
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,662
Say goodbye to Sally and Donna for me.
697
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:52,531
Yes, we certainly will do that.
698
00:23:52,631 --> 00:23:55,200
Oh, if you know any other girls,
699
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:56,668
I'd be happy to meet them once.
700
00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:59,004
Well, I'll really have to dash now to meet my wife.
701
00:23:59,104 --> 00:23:59,905
Oh.
702
00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:01,306
Oh.
703
00:24:01,406 --> 00:24:02,541
Oh, don't worry.
704
00:24:02,641 --> 00:24:05,177
That's just a nervous habit.
705
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:06,244
I don't like her anymore.
706
00:24:06,344 --> 00:24:07,479
Well, bye.
707
00:24:22,227 --> 00:24:25,030
I just want you to know I still love you.
708
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:31,369
Darling, there are other ways of showing people your love.
709
00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:33,505
Oh, boy-- what did you-- that hurt!
710
00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:35,574
Oh, come on, I didn't even touch you.
711
00:24:35,674 --> 00:24:37,342
What, you didn't touch-- come on, put them up.
712
00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:39,644
Rob!
48038
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