All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E11

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, Mary Tyler Moore.

Just stay in your room until I tell you you can come out.

Hi, honey.

Oh, please.

Why did you call the agency for a maid?

Oh, I called and I am on the bottom of every agency's list

in Westchester County.

Poor kid, I feel sorry for you work so hard.

You pick up that jacket, Rob.

I'm not going to pick it up.

Let the maid pick it up.

Rob, I am in no mood for jokes.

I am not joking.

Honey, if you'll come right over here and stand right there,

I'm going to give you a piece of news

that's going to make you sit down and say, you're kidding.

What is it, dear?

I went out and hired you a maid today.

You're kidding.

Why didn't you sit down?

And I'm not kidding.

Rob, you really got us a maid?

That's right.

Where did you get her?

Well, essentially when I talked to you

and you said you were going crazy,

I picked up the phone look under classified.

And I called them.

All I did was offer them a little more than the going rate

and we have one.

Well who is she? What's she like?

What do you know about her?

Well, I don't know, the lady said

she was honest and industrious and very pleasant.

What else you got to know about a maid.

Well, lots of things, Rob.

Like does she get along with children?

Can she cook?

Does she drink?

I mean how many days a week will she come?

How many hours can she give me?

Well, honey, she'll give you as many hours of the week

as she has free.

That's all.

Look we got a nice break. Let's accept it.

You wanted a maid.

You got one.

We'll work out all the details later.

When does she start?

She's coming out on the next train.

Today?

Well, yeah.

Well, Rob, I'm not ready for her.

Darling, the house, it's a mess.

That's why we're getting help, isn't it?

Rob, I can't have that.

I have to straighten up for her.

I don't want her to think we live like this.

Please vacuum this room and I'll start in the other room,

please darling.

Hey, boy we don't need a maid around this house.

All we need is a threat of a maid.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Rich, will you get that?

Mama's probably got an armload of groceries.

OK.

It's not Mommy, Daddy.

It's a lady.

Oh, she's here.

Excuse me.

Oh, you must be from the agency.

Yes, of course, won't you come right in?

Daddy can I go over to Dr. Helper's

and watch him drill some teeth?

If it's all right with him, it's all right with me, Rich.

Oh, good!

We have a dentist next door.

Oh, thank you, driver.

What's the fare?

There's more.

There's more?

Oh, Miss, I believe there's been some mistake here.

I told the agency that I wanted day help, that I

didn't want to sleep-in help.

We have no room for a maid here.

I'm sorry the agency didn't give me your name, Miss.

[speaking spanish]

Miss Pensumay.

Por favor.

What?

Phrases commonly used in Spain.

You're Spanish?

Espanol?

[speaking spanish]

I had just about a year and a half of that

and it was a long time ago in high school.

Do you-- do you--

do you speak English?

Habla usted espanol, no, americano?

Si, un poco.

Poco, poco, that's a little.

Well, you understand English?

I mean you understand what I'm saying now?

But uncomprehende?

Boy, driver, wait a minute.

Don't.

Don't put those down.

There's been a little mistake.

They may be leaving right away.

I'm going to call that agent.

No, I'm not going to call that agency.

They're closed.

Well, there's no use or you waiting around here.

Here, keep the change.

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome.

It's nice.

You haven't found a place to live yet.

Where are you living?

Where, where do you--

where do you

[snoring]

Se, mucho.

No, no, I mean, I mean, where are you going to stay?

Uh, where?

Where, where, where where, where, oh, donde.

Donde es su casa.

Oh, in Barcelona.

Barcelona.

I mean, I mean, where are you going to--

Where are you going to live here?

Donde.

[speaking spanish]

Aqui?

You want a key already?

Aqui, that means here.

That means here.

You're going to live here?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

You can't-- look there's been a terrible mistake.

There's a big el grande boo boo.

Yeah, you can't-- you no can live here.

No aqui.

Hey, don't do that.

Look, we'll wait till my wife gets home.

And we'll talk to her even with the language barrier.

Let me take that.

Should be able to do some housework.

Got a dandy here.

Listen, what is your name?

Que es su nombre.

Maria, Maria, Maria, very good.

Maria, why don't you go in this room here.

That's good.

You go in this room and we'll wait till my wife comes home.

Here would you take that?

You can just sit in there and make yourself comfortable

and read.

No, you can't.

You'll have to rest.

That's it.

[speaking spanish]

Thank you, you're welcome or whatever the case is.

Make yourself at home there, Maria,

and we'll talk about it later.

- Oh, hi, honey. - Who are you talking to, dear?

Oh, the maid.

The maid's here.

Oh, wonderful.

What's she like?

Well her name is Maria.

Isn't that a beautiful name?

Very, but after all, what difference does it make just

long as she can give me a hand.

Yeah.

She'll give you a hand.

Honey.

What's she doing?

Well, honey, I put her in the den.

I got to warn you, she's a little short.

Oh, well, does she seem pleasant.

Well, yeah, I think she's very pleasant,

despite what happened to her.

What happened to her?

Well, honey, she had a little hard luck.

Her arm, actually it will be all right when the cast is off.

Her arm is in a cast.

Well the forearm, just here.

She can wiggle her fingers and everything.

That's marvelous.

Which arm?

Her-- well, she could be left handed.

Well, honey, you can't expect everything about her

to be perfect.

After all it isn't every day you get a maid who speaks Spanish.

She does?

Like a Spaniard.

Gee, maybe she could teach Richie.

That's a good idea.

And Richie could teach her English.

She doesn't speak English.

Well, no.

Not fluently, you know, I mean just

off the boat and everything.

She couldn't have learned unless the cab driver

told her on the way up here.

Oh, Rob, what have you got us into?

Oh, honey, you should have been here when she came.

You would feel just like I did.

Well, she's a child.

She's a little shawl over her head and big brown eyes

and lip that quivers when she talks.

And her luggage was pitiful.

Her luggage?

She a sleep in.

Well, she's going to sleep aqui, here.

Rob, what did you do?

I got you a maid.

What did you want me to do?

I got you-- what you want me to just throw her of here?

You say the word, I'll go in there

and I'll throw her and her pitiful effects

right on the street.

Is that what you like?

In other words, you want me to handle this problem.

Whatever you want.

[knocking]

Maria.

Maria.

She doesn't understand English.

She's asleep.

Poor thing must be exhausted.

Well, honey, the long boat trip over here, steerage,

probably stood up the whole way.

Know what she was doing?

What?

Sucking her thumb.

Let's get it over with.

Hey, honey, wait, let's--

I don't like to fire anybody on an empty stomach.

Can we have some coffee?

Let's have some coffee.

That's a good idea.

Oh!

Good morning.

Buenos dias.

Oh, honey, this is Maria.

Buenos dias, Maria.

Es mi madre.

Madre?

Not my mother.

You see this es mi esposa, la Senora Petrie.

Rob.

Not on an empty stomach, honey.

Well.

She wants to help out

Oh?

[speaking spanish]

Oh.

Just.

She tried.

Maria, I tell you what.

Why don't you let me do this and you could

get the water for the coffee.

No comprendo.

Well, me either.

So--

Agua, agua, agua pour la java.

Well, tell her darling, not me.

No, no, that's the hot.

[speaking spanish]

Honey, I think she wants us to leave the kitchen.

Oh.

Let's give her a chance.

All right.

Well, she might turn out to be a great cook.

I don't think she's ever been in a kitchen

before in her life.

Oh, honey, I think it's just nervousness,

opening night jitters.

Well, I don't know.

She certainly seems eager about it.

[crash from kitchen]

What happened?

Funny bone, my funny bone.

Marie, come back here.

Maria, come back here.

Oh, shoot.

Rob, are you hurt?

No, just my funny bone.

What a mess.

Well, I think we got eggs Maria in there.

Rob, this is just not going to work out.

Now I think you better call the agency.

You're right, honey.

It won't work.

Go ahead, call them.

Me?

Why should I call them.

You're the one who--

I don't care.

I just can't call them.

You call.

All right, what's the number?

Well, it's on the pad.

I don't know why they call this a funny bone.

Hello, is this the employment agency?

One moment please.

Hello, this is Robert Petrie.

You sent me a maid last night.

Well, Barcelona, Spain, Spain.

Well, look, she just isn't working out.

Well, because you didn't mention a few little things,

that's why.

Like she doesn't speak English.

Like she doesn't speak any English at all.

And she's got a broken arm.

What do you mean, why didn't I ask?

Why should I ask?

Look, I know that I agreed.

But that's before I found out.

Well of course I don't want to have her deported.

But I don't think that's my responsibility.

Well, how much time?

Well, OK, look but really get on it, will you?

Things around here are impossible.

All right, thank you.

Well, they're going to try to find her another job.

And they want us to keep her until they do?

Yeah.

Rob, that could take forever.

I've got to get the office.

You mean, you're going to leave me here?

Maria.

Adios.

Maria, where are you going?

Viaja usted?

She says.

Darling, ask her if she has some friends to stay with.

Maria, quines amigos?

[spanish]

Well, ask her about her family.

Where's your family?

Uh, donde es su madre.

[spanish]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Maria.

We all have to go sometime.

Y su padre?

[spanish]

En la carcel, is that a city?

Carcel, that's a jail.

[speaking spanish]

Oh, boy.

Her mother's muerta and her father is in jail.

We can't let her go this way.

Tell her she can stay until they find her another job.

OK.

Maria, listen.

Attend to me.

You no parte usted.

Stay aqui until we find a job for you.

[speaking spanish]

Yes.

Oh, senor, senora, gracias.

[speaking spanish]

I'm not sure, honey, but I think she said we own her.

Maria, where is my red sweater?

Where is my red sweater?

Donde, Maria.

Senora.

Maria.

Donde es sweater?

Sweater es on your hand.

Red sweater.

Rojo, rojo sweater.

[speaking spanish] lo llave.

Yo llave.

You washed it?

Oh, please, don't let it be in hot water.

[speaking spanish]

Oh, no.

[spanish]

Oh, good.

Where is it?

Donde est?

[speaking spanish]

The dryer.

[speaking spanish] senora.

No, no, that's, that's all right, Maria.

Was a little large anyway.

RICHIE: Venga, Maria, venga.

You go venga with Richie.

No, that's all right.

Buenos dios, senora, senor.

Buenos dias, yourself.

Oh, boy.

What does she do?

She washed my sweater.

My gosh, it looks like it shrunk.

Honey, what else did she do?

She did something for you.

Oh, yes.

She painted your tie.

Painted my tie?

You remember the one I gave you for Father's Day

with the tiny little monogram on it?

Yeah, well, she thought it was a spot.

And when it wouldn't come off--

Happy Father's Day.

Well, you know that's not the kind of thing

you'd put around your neck exactly,

but you know that shows talent.

Oh, Rob, it looks like one of those things

you'd find in a novelty shop on Broadway.

I don't care.

You've got to admit, that's a good toreador, honey.

Honey, what, what can I do?

Rob, I don't know.

She's a darling girl, but she doesn't know

anything about housekeeping.

What will happen if you don't sign her immigration papers?

They ship her back to Barcelona.

But we can't keep her, that's for sure.

No, we can't.

It's there on the pad.

Hello, is this the Immigration and Naturalization Service?

My name is Robert Petrie.

Hey, do you have a pickup service?

Did you talk to Maria?

No, did you?

No, but somebody is going to have to, Rob.

They're going to be here for her soon.

We can't just let them take her.

It would be too cruel.

Did you have to wear that?

Well, honey, I don't know, I just didn't

want her to think we hate her.

Oh, Rob, she doesn't think that, does she?

Where is she?

She's in Richie's room.

Well, not exactly right now, Rich.

But look what Marie did, she painted him.

Hey, she did.

Look at that.

That girl will paint anything.

That's beautiful.

She painted a bull on there.

Oh, Maria, Richie Daddy and Mommy want to talk to Maria.

So you run along, OK?

You take your turtle off for a walk or something.

OK.

[speaking spanish]

Yes, the tie.

[speaking spanish] gusta?

Oh, yes, I like it very much.

Me gusta mucho.

Gracias.

[speaking spanish] We get the feeling

you're not too happy with us.

Como?

[speaking spanish]

Happy aqui.

Feliz aqui.

[speaking spanish]

Maria, we feel that you'd be better off

[speaking spanish]

There goes that lip again.

Rob, do something.

[speaking spanish]

Oh, no, it's not that you're not welcome here.

It's not that.

[speaking spanish]

[crying]

Rob, what's she saying?

Well, she's not happy.

She doesn't blame either one of us.

She says she's a jinx.

[crying, speaking spanish]

Oh, now, Maria, you may be incompetent,

but you're not ugly.

Oh, no, Maria, [speaking spanish]

[crying, speaking spanish]

Rob, what did she say?

She either said she's going to throw herself in the ocean

or she's gone to the movies, I don't know.

It's just one of those things.

Deportations are always awkward.

But this girl really has talent.

I told you she's a painting fool.

Well, look at that.

Is that beautiful?

You couldn't give a job, could you?

We don't get many calls for hand painted ties.

Well, she's all packed.

Oh, Rob, she's being so sweet about it.

If she'd just be a little mean about it,

I wouldn't feel so mean.

Listen, you will take good care of her, won't you?

I mean you--

Oh, you don't have to worry, Mrs. Petrie.

She'll be well taken care of.

Isn't there anything you can do?

I wish I could, but this is the rotten part of my job.

Oh, Maria.

Take good care of yourself and take care of your arm.

[speaking spanish]

OK, let's get this over with.

Here I'll bring the rest of her things out.

[speaking spanish]

Maria, we didn't think we'd tell Richie

until after you were gone.

He'd be much too upset.

We will say goodbye for you.

[speaking spanish]

Hasta la vista.

Hey, where's she going?

Richie, dear.

Rich, come here a minute.

What you got there?

Oh, you got that turtle.

Boy, that is really a beauty, you know it?

You know what would be fun?

If we got two turtles and we could have regular turtle races

all over the place.

I know where you can get an--

Hey, Maria!

Hey, Officer, come back here a minute.

Oh, good, what for?

I've got an idea.

If you've got those papers on Maria,

I'll sign them right now.

Rob, what are you going to do?

I can get her a job, honey.

I guarantee it.

You know that little novelty shop on Broadway, where I buy

all those tricks for Richie?

Yeah, they got hand-painted ties.

They got hand-painted turtles, millions of them.

In the window is a sign that says, aqui se hable espanol.

She could get a job there in a minute.

Hey, Richie, show them the turtle.

Is that a turtle?

She did that?

She did it with one hand tied behind her back.

Boy, if you like painted turtles.

Well, there must be somebody that does.

How much longer does she have to run on her permit?

Two days.

You give me two days, I'll have that girl on Broadway.

Tommy the Turkey knew that something,

something bad was going to happen.

Hi, gang.

Darling, you're home early, aren't you?

Daddy, did you bring me something?

Now, just hold your horses, young man.

I saw a friend of yours today.

Who?

Maria.

Oh, Rob, did you?

Yeah, when I went to pick up the theater tickets,

I just dropped by to say hello.

Does she still have the job painting turtles?

Much better than that.

She has now moved up to ashtrays and pillowcases

and she's doing it in the front window.

In the window?

Yeah.

She sent you all her love, Richie.

And she also sent this.

For me?

Well, it's for all of us.

Go ahead and open it.

What is it, a cake?

[chuckles]

It's alive.

It's a live turtle!

Yeah.

But what's that on its back?

It's a picture of the Petrie family.

There's Richie and you and me.

As long as this turtle lives, we're immortal.

[theme music]