All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E07

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Rob, you said you'd be home early.

Honey, and I meant it sincerely when I said it.

But when I said it, I didn't know

we were going to have so much trouble with this last sketch.

Rob, my aunt and uncle have been to our home four times.

And you've managed to be missing three of those times.

Honey, once, I was in the army.

The other three times I had a valid reason.

Rob, why don't you just admit it?

You don't like my aunt and uncle.

Say, there's another valid reason.

What time will you be home?

Honey, how do I know?

Look, when I am finished with work, I will jump in my car.

And I'll fly home.

That's what I like to see.

Another guy fighting with his wife.

Look, honey.

If you don't let me go back to work,

I may never get home at all.

What time, Rob? 8:30?

9:00. Come on.

Give me a hint.

We're having roast beef, and I have to time it.

Oh, honey, look.

I got enough trouble down here.

Why don't you cook something you don't have to time?

Frankfurters, melted cheese sandwiches, anything.

You wouldn't be suggesting frankfurters

if it were your aunt and uncle.

Honey, I'll make a deal with you.

Next week, we'll invite all my close

relatives over to the house.

And we'll crack open a carton of cottage cheese, OK?

I don't think you're at all funny, Rob.

That's exactly right.

That's why we're having so much trouble with this last sketch.

Now, honey, I--

Laura, I'm busy.

Laura, I will be home when you see me and not before.

Whew.

Boy, do I feel married today.

Come on.

Let's get back to the jokes.

Boy, after a conversation like that,

we'll probably come up with something as funny

as "Death of a Salesman."

Oh, as a matter of fact, I've found the greatest creations

come right out of torment.

Oh.

You want torment? OK.

Let's go to work, huh? ROB: OK.

Let's do the sketch again.

Only this time, Buddy, why don't you play the other fellow, OK?

All right.

Your voice was too low.

Hey, maybe I could do it with an English accent.

Hey, try that. That's good.

An English accent. Do that, OK?

All right, good. Here.

Here.

You're the guy with the fiddle company,

and I'm the charming young Englishman.

Right? - All right.

(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) Uh, I beg your pardon, sir.

But do you happen to have a violin made by Stradivarius,

an original violin--

Hey, buddy.

[whistles]

That's Hungarian.

Hey, how do you like that?

I didn't know I could do Hungarian.

Ooh.

Come in again.

You'll be the charming young Hungarian now.

All right. (HUNGARIAN ACCENT) I beg your pardon,

sir, but do you have an authentic Stradivarius violin

for sale?

Are you in luck!

We've got one left.

They've been going like hotcakes.

Good.

Here we are, the last one.

How much?

ROB: Uh, $50,000 today only.

Well, sounds like a fair price,

but how do I know that it is original without the signature?

I'll show you. Look inside here.

See inside there?

Only Antonio Stradivari has signed

his name in that peculiar way with the little rat

tail on the end?

See the little rat tail?

I do not even see the rat.

Here, here. Look.

Look again there.

Look. See it?

I don't see nothing.

Nothing.

And I will not buy it unless I see the signature.

You've got to see the signature, huh?

Right.

See that little rat tail?

That is the signature.

Wow.

I'll take it.

Here's your check for $50,000.

Thank you.

All right.

And, sir, here is your priceless Stradivari violin.

Thank you very much.

It is a pleasure to do business with an honest man.

Thank you.

Well?

What do you say, Sal?

[laughter]

Oh, that's the most wonderful sketch you guys ever run.

Good.

The audience is going to scream.

Oh, let's get this down on paper.

I'll let you guys type that.

[laughter]

Hey, Sal?

You got a date, and you want to get out early, huh?

Yeah.

Hey.

It stunk, didn't it?

You're right.

Come on, you guys.

Let's get something good.

I want to go home, too.

I got a wife who thinks I hate all her relatives.

Now let's really get something unusual this time.

Let's don't use any more breakaway violins.

I don't think my head could take it.

Hey, Rob.

Huh?

You didn't use the breakaway.

I didn't think so.

Hey, how's your head feel?

Like my kid left his bike in the driveway.

Hey.

Listen.

That's how we do the bit.

We use a real violin and a breakable head.

No.

Let's really get some good now, something

that must make people laugh.

Rob.

There it is.

Situation comedy with fat legs.

What is it, Lem?

May I speak-- Lem?

Yeah, Lem.

That's Mel backwards.

Lem is also short for lemon, which in your case

means sourpuss.

Rob, Alan would like you to do him a favor.

Oh, I think I'll do myself a favor

and go out and get a cup of coffee.

How about you? A little raisin cake?

- Yeah, sure. - Good.

Sal, fruit salad? - Yeah.

Only this time, check the cherries, will you?

Last time, it was too many grapes.

Oh, I'll check it personally.

Mel, can I get you something?

A cup of coffee? Donut?

Toupee?

- Yuck. - All right.

I'll get you something to settle your stomach.

Rob, Alan would like you to bring this week's script over

to his place.

Oh, what's the matter, Mel?

Is Alan sick or something?

Oh, no.

But he's exhausted from his yearly checkup.

SALLY: Oh.

How about it, Rob?

Will you?

To, uh, where?

The penthouse.

When? When?

Well, any time before you go home.

Right now, if you like.

Oh, sure.

OK, I'll do it now.

Uh, are these the special lyrics for the musical numbers?

Yeah, all those right there.

What-- what is that address again?

The same as it always was, the Temple Towers.

SALLY: Hey, Rob, should we wait for you,

or should we knock off for the day?

Oh, fine.

Fine, fine.

And here you are.

Rob, here's your raisin cake.

Hey, where are you going?

Huh?

I said, where are you going?

Oh, I have to read this.

You're going to read him your palm?

Here.

Read mine.

It's funnier.

How about the script?

Oh, thanks.

Uh, where am I going?

The Temple Towers on East 61st Street, New York City, USA.

Yeah.

SALLY: Hey, Rob.

You know, I can't believe that you were in the Signal Corps.

He was a Sergeant yet.

Boy, lucky thing the army didn't

give you the message to Garcia.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's lucky.

Message to Garcia.

[whistling]

He's got a good memory, but it's short.

Well, so long, everybody.

Good night. - Wait a minute.

I don't want to be nosy, but what's going on here?

Listen. Don't ask questions.

We've been sprung for the day. Come on.

What am I going to do with this fruit salad?

Oh, have it made up into a sport jacket.

Come on. Let's go.

So long, Mel.

See you tomorrow at noon.

Noon?

You always come in that late?

Well, don't forget.

I go home early.

Oh.

Oh, I think we better be going home now.

Where's our favorite grand nephew?

I think he's watching one of his programs.

Ritchie! - Oh.

Come say goodbye to Uncle Edward and Aunt Mildred.

If I didn't know better, I'd think

that everyone in the house is trying to avoid us.

Oh.

Bye, Uncle Edward.

Bye, Aunt Mildred.

Uh, Ritchie, dear.

Aren't you going to kiss your aunt goodnight?

Not on the lips, dear.

How about one for your favorite uncle, huh?

Edward.

I know, I know.

Never on the lips.

[laughter]

[kissing sound]

And how about you, my dear?

[clearing throat]

[groaning]

Be sure and-- be sure and say hello to Lamont

Cranston when he comes home.

Lamont Cranston?

Yes, your husband.

You know, the shadow.

[creepy laughter]

Oh, Edward.

[inaudible].

I'm so embarrassed about Rob's not being here.

And I know he feels terrible, too.

So please promise to come back soon.

Yes, we will.

If only to see whether he lives here or not.

Oh, Edward.

I know he lives here, my dear.

Only kidding.

Because I saw a picture of him in the bedroom

and a blob of shaving cream on the bathroom mirror.

Oh, Edward!

Come on.

See how you are?

Bye.

Mommy, where is Daddy?

He's working, dear.

Go on, get to bed now.

It's late.

Mommy, are you going to yell at Daddy when he comes home?

Ritchie, I don't yell at Daddy.

Yes, you do, when he doesn't call and say when he's coming.

Ritchie, I may be a little annoyed when Daddy

doesn't call, but I don't yell.

Are you a little annoyed now?

- Yes, I am. - I'm going.

I'm going.

I'm going!

Millie?

No, he's not home yet.

I don't know whether to be worried or angry.

Well, I called everywhere he could possibly be.

I called the office, and the cleaning lady

said that they left hours ago.

And then I called Sally, and she said that he went

to Alan Brady's house to work.

Well, of course, I called there.

And they said that he never showed up.

And that's why I'm more worried than I am angry.

Well, wouldn't your voice quiver if you

had no idea where your husband was or what he was doing?

I mean, for all I know, Millie, he

could be lying in a dark alley calling my name.

Graciella, baby, go, go.

[music playing]

[chatter]

[whistling]

[laughter]

[applause]

[inaudible]

Wow, wow.

More. More, Tony.

Come on.

Dance with me some

Graciella, can we just sit one out?

Oh, but we're having so much fun.

Yeah.

Oh, Tony.

Tony, you're so silly.

Hey, why-- why do you keep calling me Tony?

Well, isn't that your name?

No, no, no.

Not Tony.

Antonio.

Antonio Stradivarius.

Oh.

You don't look Polish.

[laughter]

I play violin in the Signal Corps, and I am a Sergeant.

Oh!

An officer.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to reserve the rest of my dances for you,

Sergeant Stradivarius.

Do you enjoy being in the army?

Well, it's no picnic.

But a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

But it's a pleasure defending a country with such good

looking citizens in it.

[laughter]

Oh, Antonio.

You're such a ding-dong.

Hey, well, listen, Sergeant.

Let's storm the buffet, as we say in military circles.

Very good.

Hop in.

I will dance you over to the Tower Apartments

on East 61st Street in New York City.

Oh, hey, that's a very long dance from Red Hook.

Red Hook?

Where's that?

Uh, here.

We're there. This is it.

Red Hook?

You know something?

I think that's off limits.

Oh, well, I'm shipping out tomorrow, anyway.

Let's eat.

Graciella sure found herself a wild one.

Did she thank you yet?

For what?

For inviting him.

I didn't invite him.

I thought you did.

Why, I never saw him before.

What?

Well, how did he get in?

Well, he rang the bell, and there he was.

And I said, yes?

And he said he had a message for Garcia.

Naturally, I thought he meant Graciella.

[laughter]

Well, whatever it was, she got his message.

Did you really mean what you said before?

What's all that?

Well, when you said I am a lovely girl,

and you'd certainly like to write to me?

Listen, I think you're just about the nicest fella I ever

met.

And I'm going to look forward to your letters so much.

Do you have a piece of paper and a pencil?

Hm.

I'm so excited.

Here you go.

All right.

[laughter]

You want me to write on your raisin cake?

[laughter]

That's so silly of you. - Here.

Here, here, here.

OK.

See if I can remember the address.

Let me see.

Sergeant Antonio Stradivarius, 35th Battalion Company E,

Camp Crowder--

Camp Crowder, where is that?

Uh, New Rochelle.

Oh, silly.

It's in Missouri.

Now you remember that.

Oh, boy.

Such a ding-dong.

Oh!

What is this address here?

148 Bonnie Meadow Road, New Rochelle.

What is that?

What?

I live there.

Oh, is that your family's home?

Yeah.

Yes, my family.

Oh.

What-- what-- what time is it?

Oh, well, it's 1:30 o'clock.

AM or PM?

[laughter]

You're crazy about me, aren't you?

Oh, I knew it.

Why'd you-- why'd you say that?

Well, because you don't if it's day or night or anything.

Hey, it's dark out, isn't it?

Would you excuse me?

I think I'd better be getting home.

Oh, well, uh, back to your family in New Rochelle?

Yeah, my family.

Oh, you've got a very long drive.

Where am I?

I told you, Red Hook.

Red Hook.

Oh, Antonio, are you all right?

Who?

I said, are you all right?

Yeah.

Yes, I'm-- I'm just fine.

Uh, would you excuse me?

I think I'd better go home.

Oh, Antonio, aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?

- Kiss you goodbye? - Yes.

Don't you want to?

How well do-- how--

do we know each other?

Oh, you'll call me before you leave for camp?

Leave for camp?

Yes.

I certainly will.

Oh.

I certainly will call you before I leave for camp.

I've got to get home now.

[inaudible] Bye.

Antonio!

You forgot this.

Keep it.

[gunshots on television]

[screaming on television]

You-- you see what can happen to a man?

Oh, come on, Laura.

He couldn't possibly be shot by Indians.

[inaudible].

He has never ever not called unless he

couldn't get to a phone.

Maybe his car broke down.

Broke down or--

or--

Laura, if he had been in an accident,

you would have heard about it.

Not if he drove off the road into some ditch.

Oh, come on, Laura.

There are no ditches between New Rochelle and New York.

It's all straight highway.

Sure.

He couldn't even drive over a cliff if he wanted to.

- Buddy, why'd you say that? - What?

What'd I say?

Was Rob depressed when he left the office today?

No.

Laura, you spoke to him five minutes before he left.

And the last thing he said to me

was, I'll be home when I'll be home.

- Well, is he home? - No.

Then he's not late.

No.

Laura, look, maybe there's something he wanted to do,

and he just didn't want you to know about it.

Like what?

Well, maybe he's leading a double life.

Buddy, you know what you should be?

A marriage counselor.

I'm just trying to help.

And I do appreciate your both coming up here.

Really, I do.

Look, Laura.

We didn't come up here to hold your hand.

We came up here.

We thought maybe we could get a couple of hours work in.

Sure, you did.

You came up here because you're worried, too.

Oh, Rob's all right.

I know he is.

Yeah, maybe he got temporary amnesia.

Hey, there's a great excuse.

My drunken uncle used it for years.

Shut up.

Hey, maybe he got drunk.

Oh, Buddy.

Rob doesn't get drunk.

Well, maybe tonight he made it.

Will you cut it out?

[inaudible].

Something's happened to him.

I just know it.

Because he's never ever ever been this late.

Laura, will you please calm down?

He's probably lying somewhere.

[interposing voices]

- Now please. - Oh!

Oh, Rob!

Hi.

Oh, darling!

Oh, are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - You're not hurt?

Believe me, honey. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Rob, why didn't you call me?

Honey, I didn't think of it.

You didn't think of it?

See, I was right.

Temporary amnesia.

Yeah, that's right.

That's-- I didn't think anybody would--

anybody would believe me.

I-- I-- I think we'd better get going.

Come on.

I want to stay here and hear Rob's story.

Come on.

I'll tell you "Black Beauty" on the way home.

Yeah, but-- all right.

Good night, Rob, Laura. - Yeah.

Good night.

I'm glad you're all right, Rob.

- See you tomorrow. - See you at the office.

Goodnight.

Well?

Well, honey, I--

I had a case of temporary amnesia.

Temporary amnesia.

Rob, why didn't you call me?

Honey.

If you've got temporary amnesia, you

don't know that you've got it.

Then how do you know you had it?

Because I woke up right in the middle of the party.

I suddenly remembered.

The party?

Well, I told you--

Look, Rob, before you go any further,

I think you should know that I called Alan Brady's house,

and I happen to know there was no party there tonight.

Honey, I wasn't at Alan Brady's.

I was at a party in Red Hook.

Red Hook, New Jersey?

I don't know how I got to Red Hook, New Jersey.

Rob, have you been drinking?

I don't know.

No, I don't-- I don't think I have.

All right, darling.

Why don't you just very slowly start at the beginning

and tell me the whole story?

Well, honey, the beginning--

I'm-- I remember in the office.

I remember that.

It started in the office. - Yeah?

Buddy came up.

He brought Sally a fruit salad, and he brought--

I left my raisin cake in Red Hook.

Rob!

I am in no mood for jokes!

I have spent half this evening going out

of my mind worrying about you.

Now, I think I have a right to know where you've been

and what you've been doing.

But if for some reason you don't want me to know,

then just say so.

And the subject will be closed.

Honey, I'd love to tell you what I've been doing.

I forgot.

You just suddenly found yourself at a party

in Red Hook, New Jersey, right?

Right.

Suffering from temporary amnesia?

That's right.

And that's the whole story?

Well, it's not the whole story, honey.

I don't know the whole story.

My-- my memory's spotty.

So is your collar.

Huh?

I guess you don't remember how you got that smear of lipstick

on your collar there.

[nervous laughter]

How-- how about that?

How about that.

Honey, I don't even--

I don't even remember anybody kissing me on the--

whoops.

Whoops?

Honey, uh, I think I better call my doctor.

I think you better call your lawyer!

[door slamming]

[sighing]

[crying]

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, pardon me.

I realize it's very early.

But is Antonio Stradivarius here?

Sergeant Antonio Stradivarius.

Who is it, honey?

Oh, Antonio, darling!

There you are.

Beg your pardon.

Who is she?

Who am I?

Now don't tell me she's your mother.

His mother?

He told me he lived with his mother.

I-- I-- I--

I--

And your name isn't Antonio Stradivarius, I'll bet.

Who?

And you're not a member of the armed forces, either, are you?

I-- I-- well, I was.

I was.

You weren't going to write to me, were you?

No.

I-- I-- I wasn't plan--

I wasn't planning.

Did-- did I say that?

Your name is really Robert Petrie.

And you're married, and she's your wife.

And I'll bet you even have a child.

Yeah.

That's right.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm Rob, and she-- and we-- we-- we have a--

[stuttering]

How-- how-- how did you, uh--

You gave me your wallet.

Next time you try to fool her, don't give your wallet away.

Oh, you certainly had me fooled.

I don't know how I can think that you're

so sweet and so sincere.

[crying]

And to think I slept with your raisin cake under my pillow.

Uh, I think that's the-- the girl

who kissed me on the collar.

Oh, Rob.

Honey, honey, if I were you, I'd be thinking

exactly what you're thinking.

Oh, Rob.

Honey, you don't-- you don't understand.

Rob.

Honey, honey.

Darling.

[inaudible]

Oh, Rob, do you think you could ever forgive me?

Well, sure, I forgive you, honey.

But what did you do?

I didn't trust you.

You told me something was wrong with you,

and I didn't believe you.

Yeah, honey.

I think I had a memory blackout.

I-- how come you believe me now?

Because, darling, I know you.

If you were in your right mind, you

would never have given that girl your wallet

or your raisin cake.

That's right, honey.

I-- I'd certainly never do that.

I mean--

I know.

What are you doing out of bed?

You heard what the doctor said.

Well, honey, you heard him.

He said that I was fine, except just

don't crash any more violins on my head for a few days.

He also said you were not to strain your brain at all,

and you were to stay in bed.

Well, honey, look.

Do you care if I have my chicken soup out there?

If I lie in bed, I start thinking I'm sick.

Well, Rob, you are sick.

You know, even a mild concussion is nothing to laugh at.

Honey, will you do me a favor and call that poor girl?

Why?

Well, I suddenly remembered the girl was crazy about me.

She slept with my raisin cake under her pillow.

And I just don't want the poor kid to be bitter about men

on account of me.

Come on.

Call her, please.

All right.

What's the number?

Uh, see, Red Hook, 7588202.

Rob, how do you happen to remember that number?

[laughter]

The mind-- the mind's a funny thing, isn't it?

I'm teasing, honey.

I looked.

I had a palm.

It's forgotten.

I forgot the whole number.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

It's, uh-- uh, Sydney, Australia, 42974-- no, no.

- Good boy. - Just go on.

Go on.

All right.

7588202.

Not the head!

Not the head!

[music playing]