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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hurry up, Laura.
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I'm the carpool chauffeur, and I got
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to get started in 5 minutes.
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LAURA: I'll be out in a second.
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Well, what is it you want to show me?
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LAURA: Millie, be patient.
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Well, can I come in?
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LAURA: No!
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I'll be right out.
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OK, but last time I was late, and a lot of the kids
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walked home from school in the rain.
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Their mothers were so mad at me.
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I don't want to be late again.
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LAURA: I'm coming.
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Well, hurry up because it looks like it might rain.
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Oh, my!
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Oh!
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What do you think?
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Oh, it is just beautiful.
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Laura, that is the most beautiful outfit I have ever--
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it is just beautiful.
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Beautiful!
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You really like it?
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MILLIE: Oh, it is just beautiful.
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You don't think it's too much?
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Whatever you paid for it, it's worth it.
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No, no, I mean, I'm not overdressed?
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Overdressed?
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It is just beautiful.
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Could I wear it for any occasion?
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Well, I wouldn't wear it to the beach.
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Oh, Millie.
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Or the gym.
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Oh, come on.
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No, I mean could I wear it to, oh, say matinee or a luncheon
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or an informal wedding?
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Oh, yes, why?
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You have a special affair coming up soon?
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Yeah, I'd say it was a very special affair.
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Well, what is it?
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I don't think I can tell you, Mill.
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Me?
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You can't tell me?
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No, I'm afraid not.
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Laura, it's me, your neighbor, closemouthed Millie.
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I'm the person you can-- you can tell anything to.
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Not this though.
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Laura, I'm the one you told about the Frenchman who
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fell in love with you, and gave you a lump of sugar,
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and said you were a million times sweeter than it.
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I wish I could tell you, Millie.
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Well, you know what they say?
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Wishing makes it so, so tell me.
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Millie, you're going to be late,
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and it does look like rain.
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Who cares?
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What's the occasion?
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The children will get wet.
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Let them.
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It'll toughen them up.
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Millie, Ritchie, just got over a cold.
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Good.
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If you really care about your son's health,
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you'd better tell me.
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I can't.
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Why not?
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Because I don't want anyone to know.
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Well, Rob and I swore to each other that we wouldn't tell.
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we'll if I guess, will you tell me?
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Well, Rob and I swore.
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Well, was it one of the three things you mentioned?
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Which three?
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A luncheon, a theater matinee, or an informal wedding.
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Yes, and that's all I'm saying.
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A matinee or a luncheon?
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No.
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It's a wedding!
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Who's getting married?
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Millie, Ritchie's going to catch cold.
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I'll pay for his flu shot.
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Oh, Millie.
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Uh, Sally.
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Sally found a fellow, and she's going to elope,
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and you and Rob are going to stand up for her.
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That's it, huh? - No.
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Now look, if you're not going to pick up those children,
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then I'm just going to have to.
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OK, I'll go but you're mean.
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I'm not going to tell you another thing I swore not to.
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From now on, I'm telling all my secrets to Sadie Stein.
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Oh, Millie, I wish I could tell you.
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I really do.
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Well, then tell me.
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I've never seen you so jumpy.
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You'd think it was your own wedding.
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- Why'd you say that? - What?
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What?
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Your-- your own wedding?
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Millie, if I tell you, will you swear not to tell anyone?
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Not Jerry, not anyone.
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Oh, they can pull out my fingernails,
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and drop water on my head.
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Who's getting married?
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Because Millie, if you ever told,
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you would cause a great deal of embarrassment
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and I don't know what all to many people.
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They can stretch me on a rack, and tickle
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my feet with feathers.
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Who's getting married?
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Rob and I.
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Rob and you!
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Ssh.
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And remember, you swore not a soul.
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Of course, I didn't really tell you anyway.
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You guessed it. right. Millie.
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I was just kidding.
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You guessed it!
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All right, all right.
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I guessed it.
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All right.
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Listen, I may be crazy, but it seems to me you and Rob
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have been married for years.
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Not legally.
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Since when?
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Since always.
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Come on, I'll go to school with you,
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and tell you about it in the car.
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But I don't understand.
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In the car.
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Well, OK, but you better drive.
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You got me so nervous I'd probably kill us both.
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Now remember, you must never.
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I know, I know.
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You and Rob swore, and I guessed.
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Right.
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Now what is it?
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I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.
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What?
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I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.
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How old are you anyway?
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[music playing]
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Believe me, you guys, I'd like to tell you, but I just can't.
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Have something to do with the show?
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Please, Buddy.
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Oh, it has to do with the show.
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I can't say.
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Well, if you can't say, it must have
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something to do with your show.
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No, I can't say because if I say it has nothing
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to do with the show, then you're going
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to keep right on guessing.
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And if you hit it, I'm going to have to lie to you,
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and I hate to lie because I giggle, and then you'll know.
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Know what?
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Please, Buddy, come on.
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Let's get to work.
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I'm not going to tell you, and that's final.
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Hey, Rob, you know, you really want to tell us.
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Yeah, you sure do.
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How do you figure that?
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Ha, we know you pretty good.
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And any time that--
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Sally, tell them how we figured out.
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Well, first of all, if you didn't really want us to know,
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you'd have taken the morning off,
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and never told us your planned to.
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You'd said you had a dental appointment
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or that you were taking a dancing lesson.
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Or a taxidermy lesson.
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Taxidermy lesson.
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Sure.
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You never know when you might want to stuff an owl.
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Sure you do.
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Hey, Rob, you know you're dying to tell us,
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and you're dying for us to bother you to tell us.
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Am I right? - Right.
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Right.
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Because you see-- I am?
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Yes, I'm afraid I can't fight the truth.
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Then you're going to tell us?
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No, I'm not.
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Look, I guess I should have mentioned it earlier,
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but Laura and I promised each other we wouldn't tell anybody.
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Oh, well, why didn't you say so Rob?
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I'm sorry.
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Subject is closed, Buddy.
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OK.
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Very good.
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Now let's get down to work.
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Where were we?
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Well, if it had nothing to do with your show,
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and it's very person--
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Buddy!
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How about if Alan comes out dressed as a Cockney chimney
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sweep, but he's getting so fat he can't get down the chimney?
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Rob?
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Hey, and speaking of fat chimneys.
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Rob, may I disturb you for a minute?
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A minute with you disturbs me for a month.
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[clicking]
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What was that?
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A clicker.
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My therapist suggested it to relieve my inner tensions
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brought on by hostile insects.
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You ever try rubbing your hind legs together?
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[clicking]
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Rob, Alan asked me to tell you that the staff meeting
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tomorrow will be held in the morning
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rather than the afternoon.
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Remind me?
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This is the first I've heard of it.
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Oh, well, then instead of going to your office
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just come to his.
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Well, I hadn't planned on coming
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in tomorrow morning, Mel.
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Oh, you mean this week's show is all written?
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well, No we were planning on working
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late tonight if we had to.
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Mel can't Buddy and I go to the meeting for Rob?
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Now Sally, you know Alan insists
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that the heads of his creative staff be at all those meetings.
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How come he lets you in?
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Your head isn't creative enough to grow hair.
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[clicking]
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Rob, what should I tell Alan?
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I mean, if you've got a good reason--
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I've got a good reason, Mel, but I
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can't tell you what it is.
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I'll be in tomorrow afternoon.
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All right, but you better have a good excuse even
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if you have to make one up.
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If you want me, you'll know where to find me.
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Oh you're going back to that rock?
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[clicking]
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Rob, I'm leaving Alan to you.
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I'm leaving that to the Smithsonian.
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I don't care what you leave, just leave.
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[clicking rapidly]
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Hey, either he's getting rid of a whole lot of hostility
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or he just discovered uranium.
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Hey, Rob, look if you're not going to tell us what you're
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going to do tomorrow, tell us anything
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even if you have to lie.
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All right, I'll tell you the truth,
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but I just told both of you aren't hurt
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because you weren't invited. - What?
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Where?
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Invited to what?
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Well, tomorrow morning Laura and I
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are going to get all dressed up, and we're going
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to drive up to the Bronx Zoo.
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The Bronx Zoo?
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Yeah, they've-- they've got a 40 foot boa constrictor wrapped
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around a telephone pole, and some
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of the more prominent citizens have
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been invited to the unwinding.
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[music playing]
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Rich!
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Come on, Rich, you're going to be late for school.
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Hey, is he still here?
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Yeah.
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Hey, honey, where's my dark suit?
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The dark suit came back from the cleaners,
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and I put it in the closet.
269
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:56,569
OK.
270
00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:57,837
Ritchie!
271
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:59,672
Honey, would you have been proud of me.
272
00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,741
Mel said that Alan would practically go through the roof
273
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,509
if I didn't show up for that meeting in the morning,
274
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:05,077
and I stood firm, boy.
275
00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:06,245
Oh, good.
276
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,413
Ritchie!
277
00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:08,247
I don't know what's keeping that--
278
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:09,181
Hi, Mommy.
279
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,683
Well, it's about time.
280
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,151
Now remember, dear, after school you're to go straight
281
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,286
to Millie's house, huh?
282
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,154
OK, but what are you guys going?
283
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,622
Well, I--
284
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,758
Daddy and I have an errand to do
285
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:19,859
Oh.
286
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,227
Well, aren't you a little late there, Rich?
287
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,563
Well the teachers have a meeting this morning,
288
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,298
and we're supposed to come late.
289
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,265
Bye, Daddy.
290
00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:27,466
Bye.
291
00:09:27,566 --> 00:09:28,568
Of all mornings to have their meeting
292
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:29,669
they had to have it this morning.
293
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:30,736
Well, we still have all day.
294
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,038
No we don't, honey.
295
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,106
I've got to be right back to work afterward.
296
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:35,141
After what?
297
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,142
Ritchie!
298
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,843
Rich, will you go get an education?
299
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,850
Rob, I was counting on your taking the whole day off.
300
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:46,585
Well, honey, I tried the best I could.
301
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:48,187
It just turned out to be impossible.
302
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:52,358
You mean, after the ceremony you're just going to leave me?
303
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,793
I am not going to leave you.
304
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:56,295
I'll drop you here, and just continue on, that's all.
305
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:57,797
How romantic.
306
00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,665
Well, honey, come on.
307
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,600
It's not like we were really getting married.
308
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,269
Well, that's what we're doing, isn't it?
309
00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:04,470
Well, I don't know.
310
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,105
As far as the majority of our 50 states
311
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:08,341
are concerned we are already married, that's all.
312
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,343
Oh, I know, but it is a ceremony.
313
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,546
And I don't know, I kind of feel like I was getting
314
00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:14,780
married for the first time.
315
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,916
You know, a little nervous, don't you?
316
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:18,651
Well, I don't know as though I feel nervous.
317
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:20,219
I do feel something though.
318
00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:21,253
What?
319
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,288
Silly.
320
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,760
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way
321
00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:30,830
because I feel like a bride, and I can't help it.
322
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,231
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
323
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:33,766
I'd love to be able to take you out for the day,
324
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:34,967
but it's just impossible.
325
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,435
We haven't finished this week's show.
326
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:38,304
As it is, I'm not going to be able to make that staff
327
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,572
meeting in the morning.
328
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:40,840
I'm sure that Buddy and Sally would have
329
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,575
been happy to cover for you, especially
330
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:43,943
for an occasion like this.
331
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,311
Honey, the boss expects--
332
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,950
what do you mean you're sure Buddy and Sally would
333
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:53,386
have been willing to cover for me on a special occasion
334
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,353
like this?
335
00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:56,856
Wh-- what do you mean?
336
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,924
Are you suggesting that I told Buddy
337
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,860
and Sally about the wedding?
338
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,560
No.
339
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,529
You didn't, did you?
340
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:04,830
Of course I didn't.
341
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:06,399
We agreed to keep it a secret, and that's
342
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,434
the way I've kept it.
343
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:09,368
Well, I'm--
344
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,469
I'm glad, darling.
345
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,071
I'm glad.
346
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,306
Of course it wouldn't be the end of the world if they did know.
347
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,709
I mean after all, they're very trustworthy,
348
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,644
and I'm sure they'd keep our secret.
349
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,746
ROB: Honey, you didn't by any chance
350
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,182
tell somebody about the wedding, did you?
351
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:27,219
Well, Rob, you and I agreed that it would be very
352
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,789
embarrassing for Rich if he ever found
353
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:32,458
out that I lied about my age on-- on our marriage
354
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:33,759
certificate.
355
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:35,394
I mean, he's much too young to understand
356
00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:36,695
how I felt at the time.
357
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:39,732
And actually, we are married in most states.
358
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,634
Practically all of them as a matter of fact.
359
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:45,771
So I'm certainly not anxious for a secret like this to get out.
360
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,107
And the more that I think about it the
361
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,544
happier I am that you didn't tell Alan or Buddy or Sally
362
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:52,545
about it.
363
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,479
You told Millie.
364
00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:56,382
I didn't tell her.
365
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:57,383
You didn't tell Millie?
366
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,884
No, I didn't tell.
367
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,886
Now let's get going, darling.
368
00:12:00,986 --> 00:12:02,988
The Justice of the Peace said that the witnesses
369
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,156
would be there at 9:30.
370
00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:05,324
All right, you didn't tell Millie.
371
00:12:05,424 --> 00:12:07,693
Who did you tell?
372
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,728
Rob, you just called me a liar.
373
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,030
I did nothing of the sort.
374
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,932
I simply asked you if you told anybody,
375
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,267
and you answered and said no as if you didn't really mean it.
376
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,403
Now honey, I don't mean to upset you.
377
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:19,772
Well, you have upset me.
378
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:21,173
First, you call me a liar.
379
00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:22,842
Then, you're going to drive me up to Greenwich,
380
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,978
Connecticut marry me, and drop me like a hot potato.
381
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,714
I don't think that that's being very considerate.
382
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,416
Laura, I can't help it.
383
00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:31,817
I tried to, but it's impossible.
384
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,453
I happen to have a responsibility to my job.
385
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,689
Now I told you, if you wanted to wait a few weeks,
386
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:38,090
I'd be able to take a couple of days,
387
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,492
and we could have a second honeymoon.
388
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,294
But you said you were too uncomfortable to wait.
389
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:43,229
Well, I am.
390
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,030
I don't like this feeling of only
391
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,233
being married in some states.
392
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:51,070
Will you tell me why you were never uncomfortable before?
393
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,440
Because I never thought of checking with a lawyer like you
394
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,908
did.
395
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:58,444
Boy, the minute you found out I'd lied about my age,
396
00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,379
you were on the phone checking with lawyers
397
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:01,847
and looking for loopholes.
398
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,519
Honey, let's not get into a thing.
399
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,553
Let's just go get it over with.
400
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:09,221
I am not getting into a thing.
401
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:10,956
Well, you're certainly not in a very appropriate
402
00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:13,726
mood for a marriage ceremony.
403
00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:14,960
Oh?
404
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:16,395
Well, perhaps you would like to crawl
405
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,631
through one of those little loopholes you
406
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:22,168
and your lawyer discovered.
407
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:24,403
I am not the one who lied.
408
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:25,704
I didn't lie.
409
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,540
I didn't tell Millie until she guessed it.
410
00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:34,947
Millie knows.
411
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:38,117
How dare you call me a liar.
412
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,652
I didn't call you a liar.
413
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:43,189
You didn't Just say, "honey, I'm not the one who lied?"
414
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:44,757
You didn't wait for me to finish.
415
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:47,193
I was about to say I am not the one who lied about my age
416
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,627
on the marriage certificate.
417
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:50,129
You are calling me a liar.
418
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:52,198
Well, that's what you are,
419
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:53,499
Oh!
420
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:54,767
All right then were.
421
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:57,303
Who's oh, doggonnit are.
422
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,605
Why you have to go to Millie for?
423
00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:01,707
I told you, she guessed it.
424
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:04,243
Oh, sure, without the tiniest little bit of a hint from you
425
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,578
I suppose, huh?
426
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,446
And I suppose you didn't give Buddy or Sally the tiniest
427
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:08,514
little bit of a hint.
428
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:09,882
What did you tell them?
429
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,717
I told them we were going up to the Bronx Zoo
430
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:16,021
to unwind a boa constrictor.
431
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:19,892
Rob, would you like to call off our marriage?
432
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:21,126
Which one?
433
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:25,931
Take your pick.
434
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,804
I am not a welcher.
435
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:33,005
Well, neither am I.
436
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:34,607
All right then, let's go get married.
437
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:35,741
OK.
438
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:37,276
Boy, if we didn't have a son.
439
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:38,811
If we didn't have a son we wouldn't
440
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,646
have a neighbor that you could blah, blah, blah.
441
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,916
[music playing]
442
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,685
Is that right, Judge?
443
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:47,720
Yes, thank you.
444
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:48,621
Good luck and bless you both.
445
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:49,521
Thank you.
446
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,857
Bye bye to you.
447
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:54,426
They sure a nice young couple.
448
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:57,563
Yeah, wasn't she the pretty little thing?
449
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,398
Oh, my, yes.
450
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,800
I'd say they're both about as attractive a young couple
451
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,202
as I've ever married.
452
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:07,139
Oh, I really enjoy watching these ceremonies.
453
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,775
Yes, they're better than TV or movies.
454
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:14,079
It's real life happening on the spot, and we are a part of it.
455
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,615
Yes, we are there.
456
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,587
Judge, what number was that couple?
457
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:26,191
It was 32,491.
458
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:31,630
Sweetie pie, what number was this for us?
459
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:36,035
This was our 814 witnessing.
460
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:39,571
If the railroad had retired you a year earlier,
461
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:43,509
we could have made it away over the 1,000 mark.
462
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,844
Don't you worry, you keep coming here every week
463
00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:47,813
and you'll hit 10,000.
464
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,415
Well, who are we witnessing next?
465
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:53,319
Let's see Mr. Robert 'Pee-tree" and his fiancee.
466
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,521
Show them in will you, Donald?
467
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,623
The judge is ready for you, Mr. "Pee-tree."
468
00:15:57,723 --> 00:15:58,657
Oh, yes.
469
00:15:58,757 --> 00:15:59,925
Petrie.
470
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:03,128
My wife to be is having a little problem.
471
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:06,298
Excuse us, we'll be all right.
472
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:08,300
LAURA: Rob, take me home, please, Just take me home,
473
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,835
Will you just do what we came here to do?
474
00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:11,170
Look, if I never marry you again it
475
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:13,372
will be just fine with me.
476
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,874
Will you please just go in and get married?
477
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:18,677
Will you please let's just get married.
478
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,190
Hello, I'm Robert Petrie.
479
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:34,893
This is my wife-to-be Laura.
480
00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:35,861
How do you do?
481
00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:36,795
How do you do?
482
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,030
I'm Judge Krata.
483
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,634
Judge Crater?
484
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,769
No, not that one.
485
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:46,238
K-R-A-T-A, Krata.
486
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,240
I should pronounce it Krata, but I
487
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,677
enjoy seeing people's reactions when I say I'm Judge Crater.
488
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,448
Oh, hope we didn't disappoint you.
489
00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:57,416
Not at all.
490
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,284
I'd like you to meet your witnesses.
491
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,686
Donald?
492
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:03,655
Mr and Mrs. Donald Lucas Parker.
493
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,057
Oh, how do you do, sir?
494
00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:08,060
I'm Robert Petrie, and this is my fiancee Laura.
495
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:08,994
How do you do?
496
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:09,962
How do you do?
497
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,530
Oh, just fine, thank you.
498
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:14,199
And I hope you two young folks will find all the happiness
499
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:18,670
and contentment that my darling dodo and I have shared.
500
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:19,605
Thank you.
501
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,540
I hope so for our sakes.
502
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,010
Mr. Parker and I are going to celebrate our wedding
503
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,179
anniversary next month.
504
00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:30,549
I'll wager you can't guess how many years it is.
505
00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:33,018
Oh, well I'm not very good at guessing.
506
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,187
Oh, go on, guess.
507
00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:37,790
Oh, well, 30 years?
508
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,857
30 years.
509
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:41,060
Did you hear that, Mr. Parker?
510
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,428
30 years.
511
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,929
That last couple guessed 40.
512
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,397
Yeah.
513
00:17:45,497 --> 00:17:48,000
Go on, tell him how long we've been married, Dodo.
514
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:51,804
Next month Mr. Parker and I will celebrate
515
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,406
five beautiful years together.
516
00:17:58,610 --> 00:17:59,278
Five years.
517
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:02,815
Our wooden anniversary.
518
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,283
Tell him how you met.
519
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:08,954
Well, Mr. Parker's first wife and my first husband
520
00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:13,792
passed away on the same day, and were buried in adjoining plots.
521
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:24,303
The first time I saw my Dodo was at the cemetery.
522
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:27,072
And the next time was at the prescription
523
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,675
counter at the pharmacy.
524
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,877
We're both suffering from cholesterol.
525
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,248
There's a lot of that going around.
526
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:46,158
And then three months later, Judge Krata joined our hands
527
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,827
together in holy matrimony.
528
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:52,898
And right after that, they became my permanent witnesses.
529
00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:54,766
It was very romantic.
530
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,101
Yes.
531
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:57,436
Well do you two want to join hands and stroll
532
00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,571
down life's highway together?
533
00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:00,639
Yeah, I guess so.
534
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:01,673
You ready, Laura?
535
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,475
Well, we did drive all the way up,
536
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:06,245
and you are missing a morning's work.
537
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:08,380
A morning's work?
538
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,750
Oh, yes, my husband's a very important man.
539
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:12,985
Very busy at the office.
540
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,386
Can't do without him.
541
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,788
I'm very grateful he's giving me this much time.
542
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,326
Are you sure you don't want to think this over,
543
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:22,928
and come back another time?
544
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:23,962
Oh, no, no.
545
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,163
We've got to go through with it.
546
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:26,532
She promised too many of our neighbors
547
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:30,135
we were getting married today.
548
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,638
I didn't tell.
549
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,439
Don't hand me that.
550
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:35,607
Where do you want us to stand, Judge?
551
00:19:35,707 --> 00:19:37,709
Now before I begin the ceremony,
552
00:19:37,809 --> 00:19:41,914
I'd like to offer some words of advice if I may.
553
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,749
Would you sit down, please?
554
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,850
Well Judge as my wi--
555
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,452
you fiancee said, I have to get back to work.
556
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,821
What I have to say won't take long.
557
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:54,126
I don't like to butt in, but I would listen to the judge.
558
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,728
He's a very wise man.
559
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:57,863
He straightened me out.
560
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,805
Do you have a moment to listen?
561
00:20:06,905 --> 00:20:08,440
I'm listening, Judge.
562
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,275
My children, I don't presume to know anything
563
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,910
about you personally except you seem
564
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,645
rather upset about something.
565
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:16,915
Now I performed over 32,000 marriage ceremonies.
566
00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:18,317
And beautifully.
567
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:19,885
Thank you.
568
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:22,955
And I daresay some of those unions turned out disastrously,
569
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:26,225
but I made it a rule never to prejudge any couple's chances
570
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:27,559
for a successful marriage.
571
00:20:27,659 --> 00:20:30,629
And I have never ever refused to marry
572
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,598
anyone who came into this room.
573
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:33,365
Oh good.
574
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,766
Then let's get on with it.
575
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:36,034
Until today.
576
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:37,235
Huh?
577
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:39,871
Are you refusing to marry us?
578
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,139
I'm afraid so.
579
00:20:41,239 --> 00:20:43,208
My conscience won't allow me to wield two
580
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:47,079
such apparent mismated souls.
581
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,880
That's the way he is.
582
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:52,417
I refuse to send you into a life of certain unhappiness
583
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,186
and possible misery.
584
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:57,623
He straightened me out.
585
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,358
Well, you can't mean that.
586
00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:01,126
Would that I didn't.
587
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:03,228
Well, Judge you got to marry us.
588
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:05,163
JUDGE: My conscience won't allow it.
589
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,866
But we love each other, honest we do.
590
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:10,902
Yeah, well, more than any couple we know.
591
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,771
I mean, we're really in love.
592
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:13,872
We're a great couple.
593
00:21:13,972 --> 00:21:15,674
I've known this man for years, and I just
594
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:18,343
couldn't dream of spending my life without him.
595
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,444
Me neither.
596
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:21,246
I'd die without this girl.
597
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:22,848
I'm sorry.
598
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:25,684
And he really is.
599
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:26,718
Rob!
600
00:21:29,321 --> 00:21:30,622
Judge, look, if you don't marry us,
601
00:21:30,722 --> 00:21:32,491
we're just going to drive on up the road
602
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,626
till we find somebody else who will.
603
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:36,561
I mean, if I got to go clear to Canada, I will.
604
00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:38,797
Nobody's going to tell me that we aren't meant for each other
605
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:39,998
after all these years.
606
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,034
But, darling, if we have to go further Upstate,
607
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,168
you'll miss the whole day's work.
608
00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:44,369
Who cares?
609
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:47,172
If a guy can't marry his own--
610
00:21:47,272 --> 00:21:48,807
who can get married?
611
00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:52,010
Rob, do you mean that about missing the whole days work?
612
00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:54,112
If I can find somebody to take care of Rich,
613
00:21:54,212 --> 00:21:55,714
I would take the whole weekend.
614
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:56,615
Rich?
615
00:21:56,715 --> 00:21:57,349
Yeah.
616
00:21:57,449 --> 00:21:59,384
Our oh-- our--
617
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:00,485
our dog. - My dog.
618
00:22:00,585 --> 00:22:01,820
- My dog. - His dog.
619
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:02,521
Her dog.
620
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:03,455
I gave it to him.
621
00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:06,224
I bought it for her.
622
00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:07,993
We've got a dog.
623
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:10,796
Rob, do you mean you'd take the whole weekend?
624
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,602
Huh.
625
00:22:17,703 --> 00:22:19,371
Does that answer your question?
626
00:22:19,471 --> 00:22:21,773
Well, Millie does know about us,
627
00:22:21,873 --> 00:22:25,644
and I think she'd be happy to watch Rich.
628
00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:27,145
How does it, Judge Krata?
629
00:22:27,245 --> 00:22:30,716
You going to marry us or we got to go find a real one?
630
00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:33,385
Your witnesses just outvoted me.
631
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:36,421
Dodo, put on the music.
632
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:39,691
Now, can you--
633
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:41,660
you stand over here, please?
634
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,128
Yeah.
635
00:22:43,228 --> 00:22:44,830
The man is on the right.
636
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,131
Oh, gee, I forgot.
637
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:49,434
I mean, I didn't know.
638
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:53,205
Well, 32,493 coming up.
639
00:22:53,305 --> 00:22:55,574
Will you join hands?
640
00:22:55,674 --> 00:22:57,409
All right, Mrs. Parker.
641
00:22:57,509 --> 00:23:01,046
[music playing]
642
00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:21,199
Dearly beloved, by the powers vested
643
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:22,834
in me by the state of Connecticut,
644
00:23:22,934 --> 00:23:26,004
I now pronounce you man and wife.
645
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,005
You may kiss the bride.
646
00:23:29,441 --> 00:23:31,276
Lovely.
647
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:34,412
Loveliest wedding I've ever seen.
648
00:23:34,513 --> 00:23:35,814
Next to ours.
649
00:23:38,316 --> 00:23:40,886
Well Judge, thank you very much.
650
00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:43,255
I'm sorry we had to practically force you to marry us.
651
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,723
I'm glad you did because I can see
652
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:47,993
in the way you two just kissed, you're a real match set.
653
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:51,396
That's just what he told Mr Parker and me,
654
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:54,366
and he certainly was right there.
655
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:56,067
You can say that again, Dodo.
656
00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:02,207
Well, darling, I guess we better be on our way.
657
00:24:02,307 --> 00:24:03,508
Judge, is there--
658
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:05,577
any kind of little lakeside resort nearby?
659
00:24:05,677 --> 00:24:06,812
As many as you want.
660
00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:09,381
I highly recommend Honeymoon Haven.
661
00:24:09,481 --> 00:24:11,283
It's only 28 miles from here.
662
00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:14,352
They have a great rumba band.
663
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:16,087
Well, honey what do you say?
664
00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:18,857
I say you're very sweet and thoughtful,
665
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:22,360
but you're going down to your office where you're needed.
666
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:23,795
Yeah, you're right.
667
00:24:23,895 --> 00:24:25,464
Oh, and we promised to take Ritchie to the movies.
668
00:24:25,564 --> 00:24:26,398
Of course.
669
00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:27,365
Thanks anyway, Judge.
670
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:28,300
Take care.
671
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:29,868
Thank you very much.
672
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:30,569
Good luck
673
00:24:30,669 --> 00:24:31,837
We just enjoyed it.
674
00:24:36,775 --> 00:24:39,544
I don't understand young folks.
675
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:42,581
Even at my age, I'd still rather go on a honeymoon
676
00:24:42,681 --> 00:24:46,117
than take a dog to the movies.
677
00:24:46,218 --> 00:24:48,820
[music playing]
678
00:24:55,594 --> 00:25:00,599
[theme song]
47222
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