All language subtitles for S03_E05

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring, Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Come on, honey.

Party time.

LAURA: Just another minute.

Every minute we spend here is a minute less we get to laugh,

and eat, and play games.

LAURA: Darling, don't be in such a hurry.

We're only going next door.

Listen.

Why don't you wrap the wine bottle in the meantime?

It's already wrapped.

Boy, I hope they never send a woman up into space.

I'm sure we'll hear that.

5, 4, 3-- just a minute, darling.

Hey, honey, will you bring me a handkerchief?

LAURA: We're only going next door.

I can-- I can run back here and blow my nose, I guess.

LAURA: Jerry and Millie will wait for us.

Yeah, but honey, Buddy and Sally are going to be there.

They're our friends.

We ought to be there when they arrive at least.

LAURA: Quarter of a minute.

A quarter of a minute.

[chuckles] Ow.

Seriously.

Hmph.

Well, at least it's an ambulance.

Honey, why does Ritchie have to leave

these toys in the living room?

I almost killed myself just now.

LAURA: Any second now.

Water rocket launcher with nuclear warhead.

Moon anti-aggression massive retaliation mop-up kit.

Nice wholesome toys.

Hey, honey, whatever happened to Lotto and Tootsietoys?

LAURA: Be out in a minute, darling.

(HIGH-PITCHED) In a minute, darling.

Interplanetary intercom.

[chuckles] Come in, Mars.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Woohoo.

Woohoo, honey.

Jerry.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): What is it, dear?

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): I made some dip for the party tonight.

Come taste it.

See if it's all right.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): In a minute, honey.

All ready, darling.

Shh.

What are you doing?

[snickers] They're going to talk again.

Who?

Our neighbors.

It's Ritchie's intercom.

Evidently, he and Freddie have hooked it up from here

to next door.

I can hear every word Jerry and Millie are saying.

Rob, that's eavesdropping.

Turn it off.

Honey, it's just a toy.

We're not eavesdropping.

We're playing.

[chuckles]

Darling, did it ever occur to you that they

can hear what we're saying too?

Honey, I have the receiving button on.

We can hear them.

They can't hear us.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, you're a good taster.

What do you think?

What is it?

It's avocado and peanut butter dip.

Laura gave me the recipe.

Rob, this is pure unadulterated prying.

Now, please turn it off.

In a second, honey.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, how does it taste?

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): You want to know the truth?

It tastes a little drab.

Drab?

That's my own recipe.

You're right, honey.

We better turn it off.

Don't you dare.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): I think it's drab too.

Laura gave you the recipe.

Maybe you did something wrong.

No.

I followed her recipe to a T. I didn't do anything wrong.

Maybe she did.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

[chuckles] Honey, this is shameful, listening

to someone else's conversation. I'm turning it off.

No, you're not.

We eavesdropped this long.

We can eave a drop longer.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Why would she do a thing like that?

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, so she could say that Laura Petrie

makes the best peanut butter and avocado

dip in Westchester County.

Maybe she left something out on purpose.

What a nerve!

To accuse me of such a catty trick.

Oh, honey.

Millie doesn't mean that.

She's probably just nervous because of the party tonight.

Now, let's turn it off and go over there.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Laura wouldn't do a thing like that.

See.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Rob would, but Laura wouldn't.

Turn it off, darling.

In a second.

I don't know.

You know, sometimes Laura holds back just a little bit.

Remember that time she gave me that pattern for a dress?

She left out a sleeve.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): You know, we're both right, honey.

Either one of them would have done it.

It's all part of their compulsive drive

to be the best.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, I never would have done

anything like that to Laura.

I'd never leave anything out of a recipe.

If I give, I give.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Well, listen, honey.

We're not as competitive as they are, and we're not selfish.

Selfish?

Well, if she didn't want me to have the recipe,

she should have said so.

I would have understood.

But no, she says, of course, you can have my recipe.

I didn't think Laura could be so insincere.

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Well, let's face it, honey.

Rob is no Albert Schweitzer either.

Would you ever forget the time that he borrowed that--

What?

Borrowed what?

Did you hear what he said?

I'm no Albert Schweitzer.

Of all the--

insincere and selfish?

I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh?

Well, he's no Eleanor Roosevelt.

And we have to go to their dinner party tonight.

We're not going to their dinner party.

Well, Rob, we have to.

Buddy and Sally are going to be there.

They're our friends.

We have to go and greet them.

What is the difference?

They'll never miss us.

There are only going to be six people there.

BOTH: They'll miss us.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, Jerry, sure is nice of you to invite us over here tonight.

Well, it's about time.

You said it.

No, I mean you've had us out so many times,

it's about time we've had you over here for dinner.

Why didn't you send us the money?

We could have stayed home, you know, and saved carfare.

You know, you're funny, Buddy.

I hope so.

Jerry.

Yeah, Mill.

What do you think could be keeping Rob and Laura?

Hey, maybe they had a fist fight.

[ominous notes]

Fist fight?

Rob and Laura? - Yeah.

Worst thing they ever do is kiss hard.

That's true.

You know, it's disgusting.

We've had six big fights to every one of their little ones.

Ha ha.

It's not much fun living next door to them.

We never hear any juicy arguments or anything.

[buzzer buzzing]

Hey, that's Rob and Laura at the door.

No.

That's my nutcake and sweet potatoes in the oven.

Ain't she cute?

If they don't get here in one minute,

I'll give them a call on the phone.

One minute. Hey, play the minute waltz.

I only know half of it.

Play it twice.

[plays minute waltz on piano]

I cannot go over there and act pleasant to two people

who loathe and despise me.

Well, they didn't exactly say that, darling.

They might just as well of.

Accusing you of leaving something out of a recipe.

You know what that is, that's malicious accusory.

You'd never leave something out of a recipe.

Would you, honey?

You wouldn't.

Would you?

You did, didn't you?

Well, I might have left out the mustard.

You left the mustard out of the avocado and peanut butter?

Well, I don't know that I did.

And if I did, I meant well.

I mean, I was just experimenting.

I mean, after all, where would the world be today, Rob,

if it weren't for experiments.

We wouldn't be on the moon today.

We're not on the moon.

That's beside the point.

I mean, what Jerry said about you calling you

competitive and selfish, I--

I just can't forgive him for that, Rob.

Yeah.

Saying I'm no Albert Schweitzer.

[phone ringing]

It's them.

They're calling to apologize.

Yeah.

Apologize for what?

Well, because they didn't know what

we heard, but they are guilty because they

know they said even though they didn't know that we know,

you know?

What?

You unscramble it.

There's a good sentence in there somewhere.

Rob.

W-- w--

Hey, I'm disconnected.

Must have dialed the wrong number.

Maybe they're on their way over.

No.

Their lights are on over there.

They're still there.

Hey, answer the phone over there.

Will you?

OK.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Hi there.

JERRY (ON PHONE): What do you mean "hi there"?

Buddy and Sally are here.

We're waiting for you.

Well, we uh-- had a-- we had a slight delay.

Uh, excuse me a minute.

Are we going or aren't we?

I don't know. ROB: Well, make up your mind.

Well, why should it be my decision?

They insulted you too.

OK.

Is there anything I can do for you, Jerry?

Yeah. There's a lot you can do.

You can get over here right away.

And if you're not over here in two minutes,

I'm going to come over there and drag you over here.

Well, we got to go.

You think so?

Well, for Buddy and Sally.

Why should they suffer just because we're not there?

I suppose you're right.

All right.

What do we do about the wine?

Give them wine?

Never.

Well, let's go see the nice people next door,

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

More. More.

Why? Why?

Oh, sure.

I don't want to do any more now.

Let's wait until Rob and Laura get here.

OK.

They want to get in on the fun too.

I don't want them to miss any of these gems.

[plays cello]

Hey, by the way, where are they?

They're probably outside waiting for the cello music

to stop. [doorbell rings]

See. - Oh, there they are now.

Hey, come on.

The door's open.

I said come in. - (SINGING) Come in.

(SINGING) Come in.

(SINGING) Come in.

(SINGING) Come in.

BUDDY: Hey, look who's here.

JERRY: Why don't you just walk in?

We weren't sure we were welcome.

Well, you're not.

Come on in anyway.

Where've you been?

You missed a lot of fun.

Yeah.

I just did four of my brand new jokes.

Yeah, and I sang Bill Bailey so many times he

finally went home.

Hi there. - Buddy.

Sally.

How are you?

I'm still single.

Thank you.

Let me hang this up for you.

No thank you.

It's always a little cold in here.

Well, listen.

What was the delay for Pete's sake?

We had a headache.

One headache for two people?

Can't you guys afford separate headaches?

Separate headaches.

Well, can I get you some aspirins for your headache?

BOTH: No thank you.

Well, maybe a little glass of sherry

would make you feel better.

No thank you.

Would you like some dip?

No thank you.

Well, how about some--

BOTH: No thank you.

I haven't had laughs like this since the St.

Valentine's Day Massacre.

Come on, you two.

What's bothering you?

We'd rather not discuss it.

I thought you told me they never fight.

Well, maybe he kissed her too hard.

Well, dinner should be ready pretty soon.

I hope so.

[funeral march on cello]

How about we do a little old folk song

for these little old folks? - Yeah.

That's good.

You remember when they used to like folk songs.

Yeah. Folk songs.

OK. [piano music]

BOTH: (SINGING) Go tell Aunt Rhody.

Go tell Aunt Rhody.

Go tell Aunt Rhody--

--she's really Uncle Fred.

[laughs]

Gee.

What a beautiful ashtray.

Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

Yeah.

We gave them that ashtray.

We gave them this lamp too.

No special reason.

Just in friendship.

Boy, this is a beautiful ashtray.

It is.

Let's play a game.

A game.

Let's play a game, huh?

What do you say, a game?

Hey, Rob, let's have some fun, huh?

Well, how could you have more fun than this?

Unless you're lucky enough to have an impacted wisdom tooth.

I got the game. Who am I?

That's great.

Hey, Rob, let's play Who Am I?

Who am I?

We gave you that vase too.

I know. I know.

Thanks.

Who am I?

I don't know.

Not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.

Come on. Who am I?

Let's play it.

What do you say, Rob?

Let's play charades.

Charades.

Everybody loves charades.

Hey, I got it.

Laura, Rob, and I, we'll be on one team.

And Millie, Sally, and Buddy, you're on the other.

We're all set. - I got the slips of paper.

- Oh, great. - They're all made up.

Charades all right, Rob?

Laura?

It's your house.

You didn't give them the house?

Come on. Let's play, huh?

I'll tell you what.

I'll keep time during the game. All right?

Yeah. Your team goes first.

OK. Here, Laura.

You want to go first?

Please, Jerry, I--

I don't think so.

Oh, come on.

You don't want to ruin the party?

I never ruined a party before in my life, Jerry.

Well, of course, you haven't.

So go ahead.

Good. Come on.

Come on, Rob. We'll beat them.

Let's go. We can do it.

You and I on the same team. Come on.

OK, ready?

It's a song title.

First word.

Over.

A beat, pat.

Crush.

Destroy.

What?

Oh, second word. OK.

Second.

Little word, small.

Petty.

Hypocritical.

Two-faced.

That's the song title?

The second word is petty, two-faced.

JERRY: You're going to do the whole thing, the whole.

OK.

March.

- Yeah. - Walk.

Stomp.

Stomp all over people.

Walk all over people.

Goosestep.

Treachery.

Treachery.

Two-faced.

Two-faced. Stab.

Stab in the back.

Stab in the back.

Uh, point. Point.

Finger. Finger.

Accuse.

Indict.

Malicious accusory.

That's right. Pearl Harbor.

I got it.

What is it?

"On the Street Where You Live."

Right.

Hey, that is right.

"On the Street Where You Live"?

Pearl Harbor?

Stab in the back?

Boy, this isn't charades.

This is a new game.

World War 3.

How did you get that out of "On the Street Where You Live"?

Husbands and wives have a way of reading

each other's minds, Mildred.

Yeah.

But this is so far out.

It was perfectly clear to me, Gerald.

Hey, avocado and peanut butter dip.

How come you made this?

This is Laura's specialty.

Well, I don't make it as well as Laura does.

Mm. Real good.

But why'd you leave out the mustard?

Mustard?

Laura, is there supposed to be mustard?

Oh, I like it better this way.

Hey, Sally, try some of this.

You'll love it.

Here.

Listen, Buddy.

Don't fill up on that.

I think dinner's ready right now-- about now, honey?

Yeah. Dinner's ready.

We'll all feel better after we eat.

Right. Let's go.

OK. Come on.

Come on.

Hey, Millie does make it better.

MILLIE: Come on, Laura.

JERRY: Coming?

Did you see the way she acted?

Like she weren't even angry about that dip.

Boy, if you can ask me, she's the one who's insincere.

That's just the difference between them and us.

When we're mad, we show it.

That's sincerity.

Hey, come on.

The food's getting cold.

All right.

We're coming, Jerry.

Rob, don't eat much.

I'm just going to nibble.

I'm too sincere to eat a lot.

Good night, Sally.

- Good night, Rob. - Good night.

- Good night, Rob. - Good night.

OK.

I give up.

What was that all about?

Boy, I never saw them act like that.

Did you two guys have a fight with them?

I didn't. Did you, Millie?

I can't think of anything.

I know.

It's the $0.38 I owe her for Brussels sprouts.

Come on. JERRY: Don't be silly.

No, that's right.

It couldn't be that.

She owes me $0.32 for cauliflower.

I don't know what it could be.

Did we say anything during the evening to offend them?

Well, it couldn't have been during the party.

They came in angry.

I know what's bothering them.

JERRY, MILLIE, SALLY: What?

They need on the spot relief from acid indigestion.

How does Ritchie eat that stuff every morning?

Why don't you put some milk on it?

Anyway, it's better than eating Millie and Jerry's food.

That's right.

We sure showed them.

Didn't we, honey?

We sure did.

You think we showed them enough?

Well, we ruined their party.

That's pretty good for starters.

I guess so.

Hm.

I sure say they had it coming.

Wouldn't you?

I'd say so after the nasty things

they said about us, calling us selfish,

and insincere, and competitive.

Ha!

Saying I'm no Albert Schweitzer.

Those kind of remarks hurt.

Oh, boy.

Wouldn't you like to know what unjust things they're

saying about us right now simply because we

ruined their little party?

You could just imagine.

They're probably saying things about us

that they have absolutely no right to say.

Ha.

Boy, would I love to know what's on their little minds.

[chuckles]

So would I.

Yeah.

Me too.

Rob, you're not thinking of turning it on again, are you?

Oh, no, no.

I-- whatever they are saying, I sure would like a chance

to debate that in court.

Darling.

Hm?

I think you turned on the intercom.

Oh, did I?

Oh, I guess I put my cigarette out on that by mistake.

Better turn it off.

Oh, I intend to.

I intend to.

[dishes clinking on intercom]

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): Well, they ruined the party.

That's what they did.

They sat there like two statues all evening.

Yeah.

And bringing up all the gifts they gave us.

What was that?

And how about that charades game?

Treachery. Two-faced.

Boy, I tell you.

Why'd they have to say that?

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Yeah.

What did we do to offend them?

Well, I'm the one that's angry now,

and I will never forgive them for their behavior.

Never forgive them?

Honey, their our friends.

After what they said?

Well, so they weren't so nice for one night.

You know, they have their faults.

Everybody does.

People would be pretty dull without them.

Gee.

You know, I hope they're all right.

They look so unhappy.

You think maybe they were sick or something?

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): I didn't think about that.

No, I don't think they were sick.

Hey, maybe Ritchie was sick.

Jerry, their lights are still on,

and they left two hours ago.

Maybe you ought to go over there and see

if you can be some help.

No.

I don't think they were sick or worried.

They were angry.

Yeah.

And they were angry at us.

You're right.

But why?

What did we do?

I think I know what it is, honey.

What?

Well, I sent Rob his dental bill last month,

and I think he thinks it's too high.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, was it?

JERRY (ON INTERCOM): No.

You know I never charge him for my work, just the lab costs.

But they've gone up, and I forgot to tell him about it.

MILLIE (ON INTERCOM): Well, do you think that was it?

No.

That couldn't be it.

Rob and Laura are not the kind of people that

would think that their best friends

would take advantage of them.

I mean, they have their faults, but they're loyal people.

I did leave the mustard out of the dip, you know?

I know.

I-- I also know that I'm not really Albert Schweitzer.

What are you going to do with wine?

Well, if we're going to go next door and swallow our pride

and eat some crow, we better have some good wine

to wash it down with.

Let's go the back way.

It's friendlier.

I feel just terrible.

I wish we could do something.

I'm not going to be able to sleep.

Don't worry, honey. Things will straighten out.

[knocking]

Hey, who could that be?

What time is it?

2 o'clock in the morning.

It could only be one person, your mother.

Hey, Rob.

Laura.

Rob, is everything all right?

Come on in.

Everything's just fine, just fine.

We, um, wanted to talk to you about tonight.

Well, yeah.

What happened?

Why were you so angry?

Yeah.

Did-- did we do or say something?

Yeah. You certainly did.

Well, what?

Come in, honey.

Over.

Rob and Laura are selfish and insincere.

And you know, Jerry, Rob's no Albert

Schweitzer, over and out.

Oh my.

That's not word for word.

But the meat's there.

Oh my.

I-- I didn't know that the kids had that hooked up.

Did you hear about the dip?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

What do you mean, Millie?

We were eavesdropping.

I mean we turned it on accidentally,

but we certainly could have turned it off.

Well, we shouldn't have been talking about you.

Oh, why not, Millie?

If you say what you want to in the privacy of your own home.

If you can't say nasty things about your best friends

at home, where can you?

You uh-- do you say nasty things about us?

Well, let me put it this way, Jerry.

We say less nasty things about you

than we do about any of our other neighbors.

Here's a little token of our esteem.

Thanks.

Oh, you didn't have to.

I just wish it could have been mustard.

Gee, Millie, I feel--

Let's make some coffee.

OK.

[laughs]

[piano music]

So I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh?

[theme music]