All language subtitles for Mack.and.Rita.2022.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264

♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

♪ Ooh, 'cause all we are
Is all we'll ever be ♪

♪ And there's nothing
We can do but make believe ♪

♪ 'Cause all we are... ♪

Bye, Mack.

♪ Is all we'll ever be ♪

Mack, sweetie,

don't you want to keep playing
with the other kids?

Nah. They all ride too fast.

I don't like to go that fast.

Me neither, kid. Me neither.

♪ And I'm working
Overtime again ♪

Life goes fast enough as it is.

I got it. This is the one.
This is the one. Do you love it?

-I love it!
-You love it.

♪ I'm gonna pretend
That it's not all fake ♪

♪ While sticking my head
In an easy bake ♪

♪ And tossing the pills
They'll make me take ♪

♪ If I don't smile
'Cause I feel ♪

♪ Broke is hard to fix ♪

♪ Saying, where'd we
Lose the kid? ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ 'Cause all we are
Is all we'll ever be ♪

Oh, you chickens wouldn't
mind scooching in a smidge

for an old gal, would you?

Huh?

I grew up always feeling
like I was an older woman

trapped in the body
of a little girl.

I think that's why I was
so fond of the term "old gal."

I was raised by my grandma.

And she was
the coolest "old gal"

I ever knew.

Whenever I told her that,
she'd say...

Well, that's because I'm old.

I got less time to live,
so I got less flips to give.

All I wanted was to be
like Grammie Martin.

But, like any kid,
I had to fit in.

♪ Make believe is all we are ♪

Over the years...

...I got better at hiding

what I thought was cool,

and getting into what
my friends thought was cool.

And you know what?
It worked out pretty well.

I wrote a book...

...and people liked it.

And I liked
being invited to the party.

And even though
I didn't always know

what to do with myself,

I surrounded myself
with people who did.

And I did my darnedest

to keep my inner old gal
to myself.

♪ Make believe is all we are ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ La, la ♪

Um, hello,
are you listening to me?

I said, maybe,
you should write a short story

about the time
I projectile-vomited

into the Chex Mix bowl
at junior prom.

- I think it's a good story.

Uh, yeah. I'll, uh,
I'll think about it.

I actually, um,
I called to see what, uh,

Little Brown said
about my proposal?

They rejected it,
which is so unfair.

Oh. Okay.

Listen, I can't get you
an advance

on a book right now,
and I don't know...

why you'd want to waste
your time writing one, okay?

No one reads

anymore.

Isn't like
every Barnes and Noble

an Eataly now?

What I can do is,
I can make some calls

and I can keep getting you
minor branding opportunities

so you don't feel
like a total sham,

calling yourself a writer,
every time someone asks

what you do at parties.

Well, thank you for investing
in my talent.

Was that sarcasm?

Mack, just remember,

if you're not getting paid
for something, it's a hobby.

And hobbies are disgusting.

Got it.

I love you, baby. Bye.

Okay.

Blankets.

-Good morning, girls!
-Hi, Mrs. Coletti.

Come to do a little shopping
at Sharon's Vineyard?

Yes. And as I told you,

that joke's only funny
if your name's Martha.

Well, I think it works.

Take whatever you like.

Thank you. Love you.

I could have actually
done this shopping.

It is your bachelorette party.

But when I put you
in charge of my 21st,

we ended up with a tableful

of different flavors
of schnapps.

Whatever. That was
a super fun spread!

Okay.

-What's wrong?
-Oh, nothing.

Just posting for socks,
because that's what I do.

Had a very enlightening
conversation this morning

with my agent, who informed me,
in no uncertain terms,

that I am essentially
no longer a writer.

So, you know.

Instagram doesn't define you.
Instagram just pays the bills.

-Okay?
-Ugh! I know. I know.

I-- I just need to write a book.
Another book.

-I'm gonna write another one.
-You should.

Mama, we're leaving.

Have fun, girls.
Enjoy the house.

You have no idea
how many yarn stores

I had to take Betty to
for her to let you gals use it.

Yarn stores?

So, see you back here Sunday
for the shower.

- Thanks, Mrs. C.
- Indeed.

Mack,

-get that hair out of your face.
-Ooh.

How does she do that?

This...

This.

Hey. Hey, there you are.

Here I am.
My house. Hanging out.

Packing up.

Yeah.

Oh, Cheesy! Hey.

Hi, buddy. Yes, come.

Yes. Hello. Oh, whoops.

Oh, Cheese-- Cheesy!

God, I am so sorry. I'll, um--

-It's--
-Ugh!

I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll replace them.

No! You-- you... you can't.

They're limited editions.

Oh.

Yeah, and I've already
worn them twice,

so, really, what am I
gonna get out of them

-at this point, right?
-Well, again,

so sorry about that.

So, um, anyway, each day's food
is in these little baggies,

so half in the morning,
then half at night.

Every day and night.

Yeah. Uh, I'll be able
to figure out how to--

- how to feed the dog.
- Right. Cool.

Wow, crazy plans this weekend?

Uh, yeah!

It's my best friend's
bachelorette

in Palm Springs.
I mean, it's gonna be wild.

Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Uh, well, if you're looking
for something

a little more low-key,
I like to every now and again,

just go for a rip
around the neighborhood

on my longboard,

and if you wanted, maybe,
you could come with, some time.

Maybe.

Whelp!

I think that's everything.

-Great.
-Thank you, Jack.

No problem, Mack.

-Awesome.
-Yeah.

All right.
See you later, Cheesy.

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it l Like a earthquake ♪

♪ All around
Like it's my birthday ♪

♪ Put it work,
fucking put it work ♪

Sorry.

Found it! So,
it was under the seat.

So, you said that he wanted
to go skateboarding with you?

Well, I think
that's definite proof

that Hot Dog-Sitter Guy is
completely obsessed with you.

Oh, my God. Why won't you give
this hot man what he wants?

I don't know. I mean, he comes
off like a total Lothario.

-I'm sorry, what?
-Who?

Lothario?

-You know, Lothario.
-What is that?

- Oh, you know--
- Thank you.

Lothario.

- Lothario? What is that?
- I don't know.

-I don't know what that means.
-A playa.

-Guys!
-Woohoo!

Okay, back to the SAT word.

Uh. I can't date my neighbor.
I can't do it.

Um, no one said "date."

No, I didn't hear that.
I didn't hear date.

Mm-mm. Cheers.

Cheers.

Okay, wait, can we look up
his socials real quick?

-Yes, what is it? What is it?
-Oh, that's the thing.

-He doesn't do social.
-Oh, hey, that's not good.

-Mm-mm.
-Right? That's what I said.

How do we know
he's not a stalker tracking you?

Working for the NSA?
Working for the government?

CAA?

- FDA?
- Yeah, weird.

Like, just so we're clear,
you're prejudging him

based on what
he shows to the world

without entertaining the idea

that there could
be something more?

- I see you.
- Loth-- Lothario.

Careful with
your drinks, ladies.

Betty's precious
about her carpet.

- Carpet?
- Yeah.

Fucking no. Carpets, ew.

I can't stay in
a place with carpets.

I stand corrected.

Okay. I bet our Betty
puts some parties in here.

- I bet our Betty did.
- Oh, for sure.

Oh, Betty, my God.
I'm in love with you.

Is she single?

Oh, my God. It's like as
if there's a filter in here.

This weekend is

going to be sick!

I'm getting married.

♪ Shake it, shake it
Shake it like a earthquake ♪

♪ All around like
It's my birthday ♪

Oh, shit! We got it all

over Betty's carpet.

No,
just leave it there,

and put the broken glass
on the side.

Oh, my God.

Okay, let's go.
I'll meet you outside.

Oh, my God.

They're gorgeous.

They're all...

...so gorgeous.

Hello.

Let's see.

There she is.

Mack, where
the freak are you?

-We're at the bar already.
-Uh, nothing. Nowhere.

Okay, well, get your
cutie little booty tooty

out to the bar.
We're doing shots!

Yeah. I feel like if
I got my tonsils out,

I would just, like,
want to put them in a jar.

Ready?

Yeah, me, too.

Oh.

- No.
- You--

Okay. So, um...
...just so you're aware,

it is our best bebe's
bachelorette bridal brunch,

and you best come correct.

And, at the moment,
you're very incorrect.

Oh. Well, I'm not ready-ready.

You know, I wa-- I was saying,
are you guys ready?

I would say one, two, three,

-yeah, we're ready.
-No problem.

- Okay.
- Okay. Great.

Just go get something
out of my suitcase.

Okay.

♪ I know I'm hot ♪

♪ But I stay on
My cool hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ I keep it hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ I know I'm hot
But I stay on my cool ♪

♪ Hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ I keep it hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ I know I'm hot
But I stay on my cool ♪

Why aren't we over there?

-Where?
-There.

I mean, look at them.
They've got it figured out,

those women. You know,
just eating toast

and laughing.

I wanna be like them.

Just sitting around
and falling asleep

till someone comes
and shakes me awake and tells me

it's time to go to sleep
somewhere else.

We need to know.
We need to know.

But we are gonna do
what you want.

Whatever you want.

I am, uh, really excited
for this weekend!

Carla, you're up.
Party of four?

Oh, Carla. That's me.
I mean, no. It's not me.

- It's us. I mean her.
- She's getting married!

♪ Make you come alive ♪

♪ Listen to my eyes ♪

♪ Check it out, it's all good ♪

♪ I will go around
And use magic ♪

♪ Dances in the music
In sonic flashes ♪

♪ Look like a honeymoon
Night in Paris ♪

♪ Gotta get yours ♪

♪ Get more ♪

♪ Do what makes you feel good ♪

♪ Do what makes you feel good ♪

♪ Blow up the bass ♪

What's up? I'm getting married.

♪ Blow up the bass
Blow up the bass ♪

What? No. Okay, the physical
therapist is not overrated.

When you have sex
with your physical therapist--

okay, so he's not my
all the time, he was my sub.

Okay. He was just,
like, your substitute--

Babe, I told you,
wear the green ones.

These are not for the desert.

You guys, is anyone else,
you know, feeling like...

-...anxious from this heat?
-No. I actually love it.

-Oh, shit.
-I feel like it's life-giving.

- You guys.
- Life-- What?

Bad Bunny is playing
a private show

in a walk-in refrigerator
behind Ralph's.

Starts in an hour.

Wait. Can... we... ra-lly?

Yes, we ca-a-a-n!

- Meh.
- Bah!

-What was that?
-What?

What was that

sound that you made with,
like, your face and your mouth?

Oh, no. I mean, I'm kidding.

- Okay.
- Obviously. I just-- no!

I thought it would be super fun,
uh, if we all, um...

take a break.

And lie down.

and, uh, did a-- did a...
a past life regression!

- What?
- Yeah.

It could be, like,
a bachelorette activity.

Mm-hmm.
I've done one of these before.

Honestly, truly life-changing.

Saw a lot, but--

Bad Bunny in a refrigerator.

No, it's just, it's crazy.
You know, I was--

I was just thinking of
pitching a piece

on past-life regressions,

and-- and there's a sign
for one right there,

and-- and it kind of feels
like, well, a sign.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

You should go do it.

I know this isn't your thing.
It's all good. I love you.

- Thank you.
- Mm, mm, mm, mm.

We'll just meet
back up at the house.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Have fun.

Regress and be blessed.
Regress and be blessed.

Regress.

Why can't I enjoy a stupid show

in a refrigerator
like everyone else?

I mean, I would lie down
in a refrigerator.

Hello?

Uh, okay. Did I just step
through the looking glass?

What is this?

Uh, hello?

Is anyone here?

Hello?

Welcome. Mm.

Hi. I'm, uh-- oh,
I'm here to, um, regress.

Oh, lovely.
Do you have an appointment?

-I don't, no, but--
-Oh, no! Uh. Wait, wait, wait.

Please, please don't touch,
it-- this is very expensive

equipment from Europe,
thank you.

Right, but the sign said

-lie flat.
-Yeah, you will, you will.

Just let me check the schedule,
okay? We're very busy.

Om!

Om-- oh!

Today is your lucky day,
Moonchild.

Mercury must be in Gatorade.
I'm normally swamped,

but something
just popped open for you, so--

-So, I can just lie flat?
-Yeah. Yes.

-Okay. Here.
-Oh, ah, but I request

that you pay before
undergoing the regression.

Uh, after visiting
your other lives,

you may feel disoriented.

I take PayPal, cash,
Visa, MasterCard.

Thank you. Let's get you in.

No, I really just need
to lie down, so--

Oh, please, please.
Lay down, Moonchild.

Yes, there you go.

-Oh, yes. Oh, gosh!
-Ah, yes.

- Slide in there. Okay.
- I'm sorry.

All right, Moonchild.

Okay, Moonman.

Take a deep breath,
relax, and breathe.

Okay, once you are relaxed,

I want you to think
about who you are,

who you were,
and who you want to be.

Today's intention is to connect
with the person you once were.

Life can take you
on a winding path

that often moves
in both directions.

It's important to remember
that time is merely a construct.

Who you are, who you were,
who you want to be.

It's all within
you at this very moment.

You know what? I-- I--

I, uh--
I don't need the whole spiel.

If you could just let me
lay here, that would be great.

Okay, uh, uh,
who do you want to be?

-What?
-Who do you want to be?

Who do I want to be?

I want to be
a person who doesn't, you know,

feel like they have to do
every little thing right.

You know, I want to be able
to lay down whenever I want to,

not have to wear
these tall, tall boots

and walk around
like I'm a giraffe.

And I don't want to have
to put a filter on every photo

to be deemed attractive
by everyone I meet.

And I... I...
I don't want to have

to pretend I like kombucha.

I don't. It's disgusting!

And I want to be able
to sit anywhere I want to,

lay anywhere I want to,

and I just want
to stay home, like,

and not be judged

for being a hermit.

I just want to be my Grammie.
I want to be Grammie Martin.

I want to be free
to say whatever I want.

I-- I wanna be the women

at the Pancake House
eating pancakes!

Who are you?

I don't know! I don't know.

I just...

Who are you deep inside
your core? Who are you?

I'm-- I'm a 70-year-old woman,

trapped in the body of
a 30-year-old

who really just needs
a minute to rest!

Hello? Hello?

Okay.

Oh. Oh.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh, dear. Ow! Oh.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

What's that guy's name again?

Luca? Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God! No, no. Wait.

What is this?
This is--

Oh, my God, no.

Oh. Oh, my God. No.

No, no.
Where is that guy? Luca!

Get in here, fix this!

Luca! Luca!

Luca! Will somebody help me?

This is not me!
I'm not-- Where am I?

Luca!
I'm not me. I'm not me.

I'm old. I'm really not okay.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, dear.

Oh, these stupid boots.

Oh, ow.

- Oh. Oh, my God.
- Please.

Ah! Oh! No! Come on.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

What?

You can't be here.
I'm very sorry.

If you're on meth,
we don't have any.

What? No, no.

I'm not on meth, Carla. It's me.

- Ma'am, I'm serious.
- 'Okay, please.

Listen. Listen.

One more move and you get
an eyeful of pepper.

-It stings. Trust me.
-That is empty.

No, it's not.

Oh, I know that's empty,

because you've had it
since college.

How you know that?

Because we bought
those pepper sprays together

and we tested them out
on each other,

just to make sure
that they worked. And--

No, no, but I'm serious!

You're a ghost.
Please, ghost. Go away, ghost!

-Carla!
-Go away. Go away, ghost.

-Carla!
-Go away, ghost.

Carla, I'm not a ghost.

It's me! Mack!

-What?
-I don't know what to do.

Something really crazy happened
to me in that regression pod,

and I don't even look
like me anymore.

But I'm me, okay? The--
Well, look, look. See? See.

That's Mack's jewelry.
What did you do with her?

What do you mean?
You gave me this bracelet.

Because you said
all my other jewelry

looked like I bought
it at a Judge Judy estate sale.

Which I said is
a good thing because--

Judge Judy rich as hell.

What the hell?!

I don't know
what happened to me.

You're my best friend.

-I love you so much.
-Okay, okay, okay.

I love you, too.

- Carla?
- Carla?

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!

Then I heard "ghost,"
and then I...

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?
'Cause we heard screams.

-I heard you literally scream.
-Yeah,

just one of Betty's friends.

Hey.

I'll meet you guys there.
I wanna change. I feel like--

-Sure, yeah.
-Definitely change, for sure.

-Yeah. You guys look hot.
-Thank you so much.

-Thanks. You can too.
-You can, too.

I'm trying try to get laid.

-Okay. Thank you.
-Ooh, yeah!

- Nice meeting the-- you.
- Okay, just get us enough seats.

Okay, I want to make sure
they're not waiting.

Okay. I need a drink.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

This like-- it's like I'm me,
but I'm not me.

I mean, I'm me way up here.
But these things here,

like, I had them.
They're not mine.

Mine were like normal size.
Ah, this is horrible.

Okay, so what were
you thinking about

when he was asking you
who you wanted to be?

Well, I was thinking
about Grammie Martin,

and about how sick
of all the bullshit I am. And--

Okay, so you were thinking
about old lady stuff

- and then you turned into one.
- Uh-huh.

So, he should be able
to turn you back into you.

Oh, God, this is really
a nightmare.

My hair is different.
It's, like, really weird.

Look at this.

It feels like it's well-coated
wire or something.

It's not hair.

Mack, we're going to fix this.

I'm just really tired

and overwhelmed,
and I need to rest.

I just don't know how
to explain this to you.

But you know what I can feel?
I can, like, feel the bones.

We're gonna figure this out.

Yeah. And if we don't, you know,

I'll just lose my friends
and my sponsors,

- and I'll just run outta money.
- No.

And I'll be one of those
old people, you know,

that dies in their apartment
and turns into flesh soup

because nobody finds
them for weeks.

Okay, I'm not gonna
let you turn into flesh soup.

-Really?
-Really.

I'm gonna call my mom,

and ask her if we can use
Betty's house another few days.

But wait a minute. Whoa!
What about your shower?

I'll cancel it.
This is a little more important.

No, no, no, I'm sorry.
No, you're not going to cancel

anything at all.

I got an idea.
Here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna drive
the girls back to LA,

and you just tell them that,
I don't know,

some sort of
a work thing came up.

Anyway, I will go back
into town,

and I will see
if I can find him,

and I'll be back in LA
in time for your shower.

You don't want me
to come with you?

No.

I just think I need
to be alone right now.

This is-- Whoo--
a lot to process.

And you're sure
there's nothing I can do?

Could you drive me somewhere
to rent a car?

-I have a better idea.
-Hmm?

Get some rest tonight.
I got you.

All right.
You look amazing.

I do not. Oh, dear.

Okay, I'll see you
at the shower.

- Yeah, wish me luck.
- You got this.

Okay.

- Love you.
- Love you.

No! Where did he go?

Where did he go?

♪ When we are together ♪

- It's gonna be fine.
- ♪ Do I drive you wild ♪

Maybe this is just--
I don't know, what is this,

some sort of a dream?
Just a real, like,

terrible dream.

Yeah, well,
but still, nevertheless.

Let's just wake up, okay?

Damn it!
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

♪ Water's deep
But I'm already half in ♪

-Whoa.
-Here you go, buddy.

Oh.

Uh, can I help you?

Well, hello.
There you go. I'm...

I'm really not, um--

Uh, you know,
I'm not Mack's mom.

I'm Mack's, a-- actually
I'm Mack's aunt.

And it's her Aunt Rita.
Is that...

She didn't tell you, though,
about me because,

she-- she knows I'm her aunt.

Anyway, so what
we're doing is...

...uh, an--
an apartment swap.

And Mack is using my house
as a writer's retreat,

in Scottsdale or--
Yeah, Scottsdale it is.

- Yeah.
- Oh, cool.

I didn't know
she was writing again.

I-- I really liked
her first book.

-You did?
-Yeah.

She'd be really flattered
if she knew.

But anyway, who cares,
right? And--

So, uh, how long
are you here for?

Me? Oh.

It's like
I'm not really--

I don't know.
Right now, I'm not quite sure.

But you know,
it'll-- it'll be a while, maybe.

Okay, well.

- Uh, I'm Jack.
- Hey.

Welcome to the building.

Uh, I usually take care
of Cheese

when Mack's out of town.

Oh, sorry. He's usually
a little cuter than this.

No, he's very cute,

but at some--

I don't know why.
Doesn't seem to like me.

Maybe it's just because
"Rita and Cheese"

doesn't have the same ring
to it as "Mack and Cheese."

- "Mack and Cheese."
- Right? It's "Mack and Cheese."

That's pretty funny.

That is-- It's so stupid.
But it is, it's funny.

Okay, I don't know.
I think it's pretty cute.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

So, uh, Mack, s-- she didn't,
uh, mention me?

She did not mention
a dog walker. No.

Oh, oh, okay.
Well, I'm-- I mean, I'm also,

-like, a pretty good guy. Yeah.
-And you...

- And modest, huh?
- Yeah. Well, nice to meet you.

Uh, again, I--
I'm just next door

if-- if you need anything.

Any-- any help with the dog,
or-- or whatever.

-Oh.
-I'm Jack.

-You're Jack. Good boy.
-Later, Cheese.

Thank you, by the way.
Got it, and I won't.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.

Whoa.

Wait.

What? This isn't gonna work.
It's ridiculous.

Forget it.

♪ Everybody's high
On consolation ♪

♪ Everybody's trying to tell ♪

♪ Me what's right
for me, yeah ♪

♪ I need a drink
And a quick decision ♪

- Oh. Yeah.
- Okay.

♪ Now it's up to me
Ooh, what will be ♪

♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪

♪ Oh I, oh I ♪

♪ I better learn
How to face it ♪

♪ She's gone
She's gone, oh I, oh I ♪

♪ I'd pay the devil
To replace her ♪

♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪

-♪ Oh why, what went wrong? ♪
-Okay.

Yes.

♪ Get up in the morning,
Look in the mirror ♪

Oh, God. I love that.

[What about this?
With this, okay.

♪ I'm worn as a toothbrush... ♪

♪ In the stand ♪

♪ My face ain't looking
Any younger ♪

Oh, dear. Oh.

♪ Now I can see love's
Taken a toll on me ♪

Well? Mm.

♪ She's gone
She's gone, oh, I, oh, I ♪

All right. I'm gonna make this--
I'm gonna make this work.

♪ She's gone
She's gone, oh, I, oh, I ♪

Oh.

-You cut your hair.
-Oh, I know. I had to.

It-- it felt so weird.

-Do you think?
-This is very weird,

but you look amazing.

-No. Come on.
-Okay, we're gonna do this.

-Okay.
-Yeah. Ladies.

Oh.

Um, this is Mack's Auntie Rita.

- Oh. Hi.
- And, um,

these are the ladies
from my mom's wine club.

-Oh.
-Carol.

-Nice to meet you.
-Betty.

-Hi.
-Hey.

- Hey, Betty.
- Angela.

- Fabulous. All of it.
- Oh, oh.

Doesn't she look so cute?
And that's my mom, Sharon.

- She does.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Rita.

Where's Mack?

She's doing the writing retreat
in Scottsdale.

-We talk-- I told you.
-Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh, odd timing.

But I'm glad
she's writing again.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yes. Thank you.

Auntie Rita. Can I talk
to you for a second?

-I want to show you something.
-Of course.

I wanna just--
I wanna show her something.

-Yes. Show me.
-We'll be right back.

We'll be here.
Oh, I love that outfit...

It was like
he was never even there.

We're-- We're gonna find him.
We're gonna--

In all truth, you should
be focusing

on your wedding, Carla.

Please, girl.

Like she's gonna let me do
anything I want wedding-wise.

And this is for me.

How are we supposed to grow old
on the French Riviera

if you're 50 years ahead of me?

Ladies, can you come over
and sit down?

We've already started
opening the presents.

I did it. I--

- I don't like to wait.
- Oh.

Sorry about this.
Betty's in a race.

She's so old
that every second counts.

Oh. What do you
have there, Betty?

What-- what do we have there?

Wait till you see.

So, Rita, what would
you like to drink?

Wine? Would
you like red or white?

-Oh, red wine with ice cubes.
-Oh, great answer.

You know, I love a woman
who knows what she likes.

A woman

who knows what she likes.

So, how often, I'm just curious,

do you ladies meet
for your wine club?

Every day.

-Oh, at least.
-And, uh, nights, too.

-Oh.
-A lot.

Sometimes we spend the weekend.

Oh, here you go.

-Oh. Thank you.
-Oh, there you go.

So, if you're gonna
be in town for a while,

you really should join us.

I mean, we really need
someone to help us get through

the garishly large wine cellar
my ex-wife left me,

you know, before she died.

Don't call Mama Tina
your ex-wife.

Well, you told me not
to call her my dead wife.

And don't call her Mama Tina.

Make me sound like I was married
to a spaghetti sauce legacy.

Let the girl call her Mama Tina.

-No, she will not.
-Oh.

See, Rita.
This is my house, my rules.

I say what I want,
and I do what I want.

And people that don't like it,
they know where the door is.

I've got a door
back there, too.

Please, please, God.

Okay. What do you
have there, Betty?

-Carla.
-I'm getting another one.

Carla, I'm gonna keep this one.

It belongs on your side table.

Okay, who is this from?

Wow, I love the wrapping.

There's nothing there.

No, there's nothing there.

Look and see.
You would agree with me.

Damn thing.

We gonna do this.

I need you
to have positive thought.

You're gonna visualize
your boobs are higher,

your hair is softer.
You don't use the word "rest."

Carla, you gotta
get me out of this thing.

I'm freezing!

♪ I see in black and white ♪

Where are you?

Where are you?
Where are you?

Did it work? Did it work?

Okay. Let's keep it going.

- What do you mean, another one?
- Keep it going?

This is my go-to
for a total body reset.

Oh, okay. Thank--

No! No, no. No.

-Women should be remembered...
-Luca.

-I know, I-- I--
-Mm-hmm.

Hi, excuse me. Do you know
anyone by the name of Luca?

Get outta here.

-Oh, we're never gonna find him.
-Yes, we are.

♪ I wanna stay a classic girl ♪

♪ So, I'm making my place
In the modern world ♪

The most

effective anti-aging
treatment--

I know you're there.
I heard you make a fear noise.

Coming. Coming.

-Are you sick?
-No.

Weird. You sound weird.
Your voice is, like, drier or--

Uh. Yeah, well, yeah.
It's-- I'm very thirsty.

So, that's it, probably, yeah.

Anyway, what do you want?

Okay, well, I'm calling
to confirm you

for the All-Bodies
Pilates thing.

The-- I don't even know.
The All-what?

What is wrong with you?

You are scheduled to cover
the Pilates event today.

A job, may I remind you
is a gift to you.

You're welcome.

- Just remember, post pictures.
- Post pictures.

If people see you at a party,
they will think you're fun.

They don't have to be of you,
just post pictures

of, like, the swag
or, like, people's butts.

I don't care.

Just make sure you hashtag
#AllBodiesCanDoPilates

- on the post.
- Pilates! Got it.

Okay? Bye.

As a facelift
implant with no side effects.

Before you begin...

I can't believe this.

-Hi.
-Good morning.

Hmm.

Okay, oh, excuse me. I have
to take a picture of you.

With your arm over ther--
Yes! Oh, good.

That is so-- that's perfect.

Okay. So perfect.

Thank you.
So lovely. Oh...

Yeah. Yeah, there it is.

Stun me, woman.

- Oh.
- This look is slaying.

Oh, I-- Thank you so much.

-Slay.
-Slay. Oh.

Yeah, oh, thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you. And, uh--

Do you need any help?

Oh, me? Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm-- Actually,
I'm kind of a pro at this.

-A pro?
-A pro. That's it.

- Fantastic.
- So--

I love having people who know

what they're doing
at these things.

-So good. Slay.
-Yeah. You're welcome.

Slay. I love that.

Yeah.

Okay, ladies,
let's get started.

Whoa! That's not--

I'm gonna be fine.
Okay, here I go.

Okay. Okay, get ready.

Stop! No, no. Oh, God!
Okay, give me a sec. I got it.

Yeah, I've got it.

Okay, ladies, right foot
forward on the hand rests,

left knee down on the carriage,
hands in short straps.

Enjoy the stretch.

Yes. Very nice, ladies.

Thumbs up, bicep curls.

Slowly press out into a lunge.

Lift your chest. Inhale.

Open your legs, bend your knee.

♪ Only needed to be someone
That you're proud of ♪

- Out, then in. Out, then in.
- Whoo!

And lifting up.
Straighten that back leg,

and arabesque, and jump.

Whoa! I'm getting it.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Beautiful.

- Yeah.
- Jump. Yes.

One blue spring,
hands in short straps.

Sure.

-Beautiful.
-Yeah.

Like a gazelle.

- Beautiful.
- Whoa!

Wait, my leg!

Oh! A lit-- Oh, damn. Cute.

-Beautiful.
-Yeah.

- Looks great.
- Thank you.

Superwomen.
All of us.

Ow!
How do I get--? How do I get--?

Oh, okay, that's good.
Thank you. Oh, my God.

Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Sorry.

All bodies can do Pilates,

but not all bodies should
do Pilates, okay?

And let's reset.

Ow. Oh, no.

No. No. I posted that?

No, no, no.

- Hey, Rita.
- Oh, hi.

How's it going?
How's your face...?

Ah, oh. Yeah, this is-- This--

I-- I tried Pilates,
so...

-Nice. I used to do Pilates.
-Mm-hmm. You did Pilates?

Yeah. Well, I was doing
this thing

where I was trying to encourage
my mom to stay active.

So, I told her that
I would go with her, um,

but then she bailed and I just

-ended up going all by myself...
-Mm-hmm.

...for an entire year,

because I bought her
an annual pass

and I hate wasting money.

That is so sweet of you,
you know,

to be so invested
in your mom's health. It's--

- Uh, yeah, I guess. I try.
- Yeah.

-What about you? Look at you.
-What about me?

-You're pretty active. Right?
-Me?

I mean, not that you
couldn't be because of your--

Not to say that you're old.

No, I mean, let's face it. I am.

I mean, it's not an insult.
It's just where I'm at. I'm old.

Yeah, that's very cool.
I-- I like that outlook a lot.

You're crazy.

Uh, hey, I'm about
to head up to the roof

because they're doing one
of those mid-month mixers.

-Do you want to come?
-No.

No, those things are always
full of people

who want to connect,
and they want to

talk about LinkedIn,

-and, you know--
-Uh, yes, that is accurate.

There's plenty of people
to clown on,

which is arguably,
like, half the fun of it.

But also, there's shrimp.

Oh, wait a minute.
Are we talking big shrimp?

Oh, yeah. Jumbo shrimp,

like the for sure
genetically engineered ones.

-Okay.
-Yeah?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. All right. Let's go.

Okay. Let's go.

♪ Bossa nova baby
Beach house, lazy ♪

♪ Pink shades, rosé
Sleepin' all day ♪

♪ We wanna have fun
For the summer, yeah ♪

Well, you know,
I have never been up here.

Never.

Really? I come up here

probably every night.
Yeah, and here's

-what I like to do.
-Okay.

So, I'll look out at
all the city lights,

and I try to estimate how much
the electrical infrastructure

of each building cost to build.

Then, I guess how much
money they would save

if they implemented
more modern technology.

Wow, you're a real party animal.

Yeah, I mean,
I... I used to be, to be honest.

-I used to be.
-Really?

I used to go out a ton.

But I hated having to pretend
to like it, so I stopped.

And as a result,
I hang out by myself a lot.

-Yeah.
-Uh, but it's okay.

I-- I like hanging out
by myself.

I'm just curious. How does that
go into a relationship?

- Not ever good.
- No, I mean--

But no, I feel like--

I feel like you understand
that, though, right?

Well, you know, obviously,

I'm a woman of a certain age.
Have you noticed?

You know, who's had a full
spectrum of life experiences,

and just a few relationships.

-Right. Well, to not pretending.
-Yeah. Oh, hey, cheers.

Oh!

Wow. Wow. Wow.

No, no. That's not okay.

- Yeah.
- No, no.

I'm so sorry.
That's mortifying to me.

I'm gonna go get
some more shrimp.

- More shrimp.
- Shrimp.

More shrimp will
solve that problem.

You bet. Jumbo shrimp
solves everything.

-Okay.
-Oh, well. Uh. More shrimp.

-Yeah, yeah.
-More shrimp.

Can I say thanks
for the invite, Sharon?

This is so nice.

-Oh, please.
-Oh, this is...

No need to coop yourself up
in Mack's little apartment

all day, when you have us.

And, honey, we can always
use some fresh blood

-in this group.
-That's right.

So, Rita. You got a man?

-Oh.
-Huh?

You'll have
to excuse Betty.

She lost her filter.

-Oh.
-I didn't lose anything.

-Oh, yeah?
-I just prefer

-to skip the small talk.
-That's right.

So, you know,
Mack has this neighbor.

-Oh.
-Now we're talking.

Oh! What does he do?

Well, I don't-- I don't know.
I-- I don't know much.

I guess maybe real estate
or something,

or maybe his parents
still pay for everything.

-That's a little weird.
-Well, who cares what he does?

It's not like
you're looking for somebody

to spend the rest of
your life with, at this point.

Well,
you certainly aren't.

The rest of your life
could be the length

of one episode of Ellen.

That's so mean.

-Mm!
-I am mean. I am. I am.

-So, Rita?
-Huh?

This-- this gentleman caller
of yours,

um, is he good-looking?

What do you--?
What do you mean? I mean--

Oh-ho! Oh!

Don't look at me like that.

Oh, I know that look.
We got a handsome one, girl.

Well, you know, he might--

he might be a little,
like, too handsome.

Oh, come on. Yeah.

When has a man
ever been too handsome?

I get it. I get it.

Sometimes I wish that
Harold were less handsome,

so I wouldn't have to keep
up the lie that I'm only 91.

Well, this guy's young.

He's young. He's young.

-Oh, my.
-What are you talking, 60?

Oh, my God.
I think he's younger.

-Cougar.
-Stop! You gotta stop.

I'm not gonna play this game.
I'm not interested in him.

-Fifty?
-Fifty?

Oh, come on.

Come on. Go, go.
Go, go, go, go for it.

The worst that can happen
is you wind up with herpes.

-Ah! Oh, my God!
-Oh, Jesus!

But once you move
into a retirement home,

you're gonna get 'em anyway.

You guys, you know what you are?
You're too much.

Okay, I have
an eye doctor appointment.

And, um, Rita,
would you mind giving me a ride?

Yes, I would like to.

-Okay.
-Oh, that's awful nice of you.

Okay, I got it.

-Okay.
-Okay.

- Yeah, come back.
- Thank you. Oh, my God.

-All right, here we go.
-Lock it up tight, girls.

- Yeah. Bye.
- All right, we will.

Phew.

You know, we're not
going to my eye doctor.

But wait a minute,
don't we have an appointment?

Yeah, but what they
gonna do about it?

Oh, God. You see, I love that.
I could never even do that.

Yes, you could, Rita.
You could do it now.

But first,
let's do what I want to do.

But I thought I shouldn't do
what people tell me to do.

I am an exception.

- Uh-uh.
- Because I'm always right.

Woo-hoo.

Mack lives here?

This is a raggedy-ass
neighborhood.

Yeah, well, this is the--
the back of the building.

Uh-huh. Well, okay.
Let's get these boxes.

-Wait, what are you doing?
-Is that his window?

-I thought-- What?
-Yes, but--

All right, then we gotta
get it on, girl.

No. Wait a second.
This is a bo-- don't do that.

Just help me move this.
By myself.

Sharon, I think this
is beyond the call of duty.

Rita, Rita--

Where am I supposed
to put it down?

- Just put it over here.
- I'm doing what you--

-What? Wait.
-Ooh, I messed up my nice bag!

-We just have to get up.
-I don't know. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, lord. I think I done
pulled my back out.

No, don't pull your back out.

- Let's get this.
- Okay.

We're just gonna get up here.

Rita, you need to see what
he's doing up in there.

I'm gonna take a look.

No, no, no. No, I'm not looking.

- Typical. He's married.
- Sharon. What? He's married?

Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

I knew you were interested.

- I told you.
- What? Let me see.

-Oh, there he is. Look.
-Okay, that's it.

Don't do that. Don't.

-He's hung.
-Oh, no. Oh, no!

Hey, Google, how do you say,

"Roll over, Cheese" in Japanese?

In Japanese,
that's, "Chiizu, koro."

What else should I translate?

I see what you mean when you
say he's just too good-looking.

But if you ask me, I'd say
he's just good-looking enough!

Okay, that is it.

More than a couple
red flags there.

And a-- a stupid skateboard?
I mean, that's immature.

What? What about it?

He tryin' to hold on
to his youth here,

-just like we are.
-It's my-- Okay.

And don't tell me that
you don't like what you see.

What?

Because he's one of the finest
50-year-old men I ever seen.

Look at him.

Stop it!

No! I don't know about this,
Carla, really.

Mushrooms are all about
being in the right headspace

before going into them,
you know?

So, just think, "30."

But I've never done mushrooms.

Don't they make people nuts,
like crazy, or?

Just drink that tea.

Think about
changing back.

And just think,
you're 30.

I'm 30. We're flirty.

Not dirty. We're 30.

Who's 30?

- Thirty.
- You're 30.

- Thirty.
- I'm 30.

-We're 30.
-Thirty.

Thirty, mm.

Thirty...

Oh... I think.
Oh, no, no. I think this...

Yeah. It might be working.

Oh.

Yeah, I think it's working.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Even as a child ♪

Woochi,
woochi, woochi.

Woochi, oh,
your skin is so supple.

Supple, supple duppy.

♪ No, I just never smiled ♪

♪ But you, you have a glow ♪

♪ A glow from an innocence ♪

Wow, oh, wow.

♪ 'Cause I was never young ♪

Whoo! Is this really happening?

♪ Even as a boy ♪

♪ No, I was never young ♪

Supple, supple duppy guppy.

I'm 30.

Oh, that is so chic.

Tell me more about this.

I'm 30.

Thirty.

I'm going
to tell you something.

Our age is
but a number, you see.

It is all about what is on
the inside of a girl like you.

What is inside you?

I'm 30 on the insides
in a new way.

It's like I'm seeing the world,
like I'm-- the world of 30s.

I love you. Very chic.

I would like a treat now.

I don't tell lies
for no reason.

I am 30. Inside me.

Underneath.

♪ Never young ♪

♪ I was never young ♪

Well, that was super fun.

But guess what?
I'm still Rita. Call me.

Clinically proven

and a lifetime warranty.

Time to look your best
with younger, more vibrant,

more beautiful skin.

Yeah, no, but I submitted

the article two weeks ago.

And can you just chase down
that check for me, please?

Why are you being so assertive?

Oh, my God,
you joined Scientology.

What are you-- No!

Whatever, it's fine. I joined.

I got kicked out
because I showed Tom Cruise

a boob at a brunch,
and I apologized,

so I'm kind of, like,
awaiting to hear back

if I'm still in or not.

Anyways,
just please post

more of My Glammy Grammie

to your Insta.
People are dying for her.

Well, I mean,
I-- I can try, okay?

My friend Shelley says

that Rita has the bone
structure for bangs.

Let that sink in.

I'm glad they're dying for her,
and she's great. I admit it.

But what--
what did you just say?

Just post more of
that glamma, okay?

People are talking.
Buzz gets scuzz.

I made that up, scuzz is money,

and I think
I made up glamma, too.

That's glamourous grandma.

Oh.

- How?
- Huh?

-How did you do this?
-Oh.

What even is this place?

They have five dresses,

all cool, for my very
different bridesmaids.

-Thank you.
-You know,

I never told you this,

but Grammie Martin
started taking me here

when I was, like,
seven or something.

-What? Really?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, she did.
-You never told me that.

I always thought you were
raiding Grandma's closet.

No. No, I was just,
I-- I don't know.

I just-- I was
kind of embarrassed

to tell you about this place
because I thought maybe

you'd think,
"Okay, it's dorky"

or something like that.

Since when do you care
about seeming cool to me?

This place is
the opposite of dorky.

-Look at all this stuff.
-Oh, I know.

-Whoo.
-Just listen to me for a second.

Just please don't tell anybody
about this place, okay,

because I don't want some
lame-o coming in here

and taking the good stuff.

- My lips are sealed.
- Okay.

Thank you, Macaroon.

- Mack, I love you.
- Yeah.

-My real wife.
-Yeah.

My wife for life. Okay.

-Oh. Oh, sure,
-Let's get the blue.

-yeah. Okay.
-I don't know. I might be

-a little... Mm.
-Hmm.

Ooh.

-Oh.
-Huh?

We're not gonna
need the white suit.

Well, we don't, but Aunt Rita.
Aunt Rita, she definitely does.

Ah, I love the seashells.

Oh, yeah?

My grammie, she used to let
me take a seashell home

every summer vacation.
Actually, you know what?

It's not really silly.

I loved trying to hear the ocean
inside them when we got home.

Although, you know,
quite honestly,

I don't think I could ever
really hear it. Could you?

No, I can't.
Can't hear the ocean.

I can definitely smell
the ocean, but can't hear it.

I don't know
why people say that.

Why do people always say that?

Hey, so what
are you thinkin' for lunch?

Oh.

Wow. Looking good, Aunt Rita.

Thank you very much.

Now, listen, I know
exactly what we're gonna do.

Oh, man, I could
really get used to this.

I mean, I'm--
Retirement, I mean, of course.

Yeah. Yeah. Me, too, in a way.

I didn't even know
that you worked.

What? What did you think that--

that I was just sitting
around doing nothing all day?

-Wait, what?
-No, I mean--

Actually? I'll have you know

that I'm a highly sought-after
private wealth manager.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Wait, so you just thought
that I, like, did nothing?

Well, I mean, you--
you never talk about it, ever.

So, I mean,
what am I led to believe?

Yeah, I mean, I guess, it--

it-- it's kind of boring.

You know?
And you are so not boring,

so I didn't want to bore you
with how boring I am.

-Are you folks ready to order?
-Oh.

Oh, yeah. No, listen, I--
I need no time with the menu.

Um, I just love this place
and I never even come here

so I don't even
know why.

Yeah, me, too!

Okay, I know what I want.

So, what I want is the garlic
cream fettuccine, please,

and add bacon.

Wow, I-- I did not realize
that I was dealing

with a professional here.

Uh, I'm gonna get the OG
barbecue chicken pizza, please.

Fantastic. I'll have that
right out for you guys.

Oh, damn it. Oh, shoot.

- Wait a second.
- What?

I forgot-- no,
never mind. It's nothing.

What? No.
What is it? Just ask for it.

No, no, no, no.
It's nothing.

Look, here's the truth.

The truth is the bacon needs
to be extra crispy-crispy.

Yeah, wow. I could not
agree more with you on that.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna take
care of that right now.

-No, you hang tight.
-Oh. Oh, no, sit--

Let me see what kind
of magic I can do.

Where are you?

I'm at a lunch, Stephanie,

and actually, I can't really
talk right now, okay?

Listen, I just wanted

to say that we're getting some
interesting offers for Rita.

-Really?
-They're mostly, like,

sensible adult
women's wear companies...

-I mean--
-...but they're offering

real money.

She could really
make a lot of money, right?

I mean, enough that
she could actually, like--

Whatever! I don't need to hear
her whole life's journey, Mack.

Okay, just make sure
she posts more pictures.

- Okay.
- And have her make

her own account.
The woman is regal.

Hah! Regal!

Wow.

Hi, sorry to bother you.

It's not a bother.
Not at all. No--

Sorry. I was just sitting
over there,

and you guys seem to be
having such a good time.

You're obviously
very funny.

Oh, I don't know about that.
I am? I don't--

Your son must get it from you.
He seems so funny, too.

I love funny. Is he single?
Is he? Is he single?

No, no, no.

You see, he's actually, he's--
he's not my son.

Oh. O-- Oh!

- Oh. Damn. Okay.
- Yeah.

Damn. All right.

- I see you.
- We're just--

we're friends. We're
just friends. Just friends.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Well, well, well.

A magician at work.

Per the gentleman's request.

Oh, not bad, right?

Yeah. Um...

- Yeah.
- Quick problem,

that-- that's mine.

So, we should, yeah--
we'll just tradesies.

Oh, oh. Of course. I mean,
I don't know what I'm thinking.

Yeah.

-Oh.
-Okay.

-Whoo. Yeah.
-Here you go.

Thanks again.

Yeah.

Bon appétit.

-You gonna eat that bacon?
-Yeah, me?

-Get a little bit of this--
-Yeah, dig in.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you have
to taste this, ladies.

I made it myself.

-Oh, did you rush?
-No, I took my time.

No, no, I mean--

I'm sorry. Your shirt.

Oh.

It's my granddaughter's.

Oh, that's sweet.

She didn't want it, and I never
say no to a free T-shirt.

Hey, what is your
granddaughter's name?

Cindy Carpenter.

- Cindy Carpenter.
- Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh.
- What's she doin'?

Boom.

- See?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

-That's it. That's it.
-Is it?

-Yeah, that's right.
-Right?

There she is, right there.

-Let me see.
-All right.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, look.
-Oh.

-Sweet face! Sweet.
-Yep.

You know, while you guys
have been

fooling around with your pocket
computer photo album--

Mm-hmm.

We could be deciding on
who's gonna go and get

the next bottle of wine.

You know, these pocket
computer photo albums

are actually my job these days.

-What?
-I get paid to post pictures.

No. That's--
No, that's not a job.

I mean, I-- I post pictures
of my grandbabies

- all the time on my Instagram.
- All the time.

I'm just saying
that nobody pays me.

Well, you know, it's--
it's kind of a thing now.

- Oh.
- Because sometimes

a company will give you money
just to post a picture

of yourself enjoying
the products.

Oh, oh, is-- is that what, uh,
all those hearts are for?

Uh, no, no.
Those are my likes. You see?

-Oh, yeah, okay.
-Who are all these people?

Yeah, well,
most of them are strangers.

You have strangers
following you?

- Creepy.
- You know what?

That's what I don't understand
about social media.

Why do they even care
about what you're doing?

I don't know. I guess
if you just post something

that resonates with someone,
or let's say it's 500 people,

or if you're me these
last few weeks--

-Shall I tell you the truth?
-Yeah.

- Two hundred thousand people.
- What?

Wait, what, what, what, what?

Yeah, two hundred
thousand people.

- All right.
- Get out of here.

Oh!

It's silly to call it
a job-job.

No, no, no, no. I mean, if you--

if you can get a job like that,
I'd say good for you, girl.

-You go.
-Mm-hmm.

You know,
I got an idea.

Let's all get in.
Come on. Let's take a picture.

All of us together.
Okay, here we go.

-Let me get some followers.
-We're gonna get some.

-Raise it up.
-Oh, raise it. Raise it!

Don't you think-- Tilt it more?
What if I tilt it--

Now make your sexy face.

All right, there. Go.

Yeah-uh.

No, no. I think--

♪ It's hard to share you ♪

-♪ With anyone else ♪
-Oh, what the hell?

Look. Oh, baby.

♪ I want to keep you close
Keep you for myself ♪

Oh, oh!

You got it?

- These are--
- Okay.

Okay, you know what?
I quit. You can have it.

It's yours. Here. Take it.

-Sushi. Ah!
-Whoa!

♪ Somewhere that we can be ♪

♪ As we are, it might be far ♪

Never! No, I'm not kidding!

Don't do that. Stop.

♪ Won't be seen by anyone ♪

♪ Don't be late
'Cause I can't wait ♪

♪ Come on, baby, come on ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

-Oh! Oh, my God.
-Whoa! Ow!

No, no. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. No, no.

Knix just slid into my DMs.

They saw my post
from the Pilates party,

and, my God, they want me
to be a brand ambassador.

Yeah, they said,
"We've been looking for..."

"...a fierce,
sophisticated woman

to slay on their feed!"

Oh, that sounds pretty dope.

It is. It is so dope! Man!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, wait a minute.

Look what I just--
Oh, oh, wait a minute.

They're-- they're offering
100,000-dollar...

exclusive engagement fee.

-Whoa, 100,000 dollars?
-Oh, my God.

You can take half
of that into an IRA

and the rest in
a simple index fund,

-and you will be sitting pretty.
-Whoa!

Surprisingly robust advice

from a man
in daytime sweatpants.

Okay. It's a man

whose life strategically
allows him to wear

-daytime sweatpants. Thank you.
-Oh.

Now please respond to this.

Well, of course.
That goes without saying.

-Whoo!
-This is very cool, Rita.

So cool. Wow!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm so happy. Yeah.

Oh, dear. Whoo, whoo. Yeah. Wow.

Anyway, do you still
want to order, or--?

-Yeah, that's-- yeah. Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna
go grab my laptop, I'll--

and so we can look together.
I'll be right back.

Okay, yep. That's a--
a-- a smart idea.

Smart. Yeah.

Um...

-Honestly, we can just eat...
-What?

-...in my car.
-No, no, no, no.

No way. No,
just watch and learn.

Oh, uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

But you chickens
wouldn't mind scooting over

just a little smidge
for an old gal?

Oh, it's so sweet of you.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my goodness.

Ooh. Ah.

Okay.

I kissed Jack.

Like in one
of those for-real, big time--

-What?
-Oh, my God.

Carla, I just went for it.

A real, big-time...

...romantically interested kiss.

Stop! Carla, I just kind of said
to myself, "You go for it,"

because when have
I ever even done that?

Initiate a kiss?
It's like a first kiss?

I just don't even
do things like that.

Okay. You're not
the only one with a surprise.

What do you mean?

Your boy is gonna be
downtown this weekend,

-doing a pop-up.
-Uh-huh.

Regress and be blessed.

You okay?

Well, yeah. I mean,
I'm really good.

I mean, it obviously would be
crazy to keep living like this.

Yeah, Mack.

Everything that's happening
for you right now

is because you're showing
the world who you are, right?

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah. It's Stephanie.

I gotta get this.
I'll be right back.

Hey, listen, I'm kind of
in the middle of something,

so can I call you back?

Knix needs Rita

to appear at
the Marie Claire Power Summit.

It's a big deal.
Santa Monica Beach by the pier.

Friday. They need me
to confirm today.

Oh, wow. I mean,
that is so cool.

- But what is that anyway?
- Oh, I don't know,

just a major event that
celebrates the power of women

thrown by a publication
you would die to have

your little,
stinky pieces run in?

- Oh.
- Knix

is a top spons,

and they wanna roll out
Rita's ambassadorship with them.

I really can't. I--

I mean, that's the night
of Carla's rehearsal dinner.

Yeah,
I don't think they really care

if you're there.

I mean, you could go if you
want to get a swag bag of,

like, free yoni eggs
or something,

but Knix has made it
crystal clear

that the event is mandatory
for Rita.

So, please make sure she shows.

- Hey.
- Hey, nice robe.

Thanks. Wore it home
from the spa.

Um, I just don't understand
how someone

so handsome, thank you,
could be quite so strange.

Well, I was, uh,

in the fifth percentile
for weight

-until I was, like, 17, so--
-Oh.

My personality just developed
before my looks.

And so that explains everything.

-Yeah. Shall I?
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

- So, how was your day?
- So--

What, uh-- what's going on?
You all right?

-You have a rough day or what?
-Oh, yeah, I just--

Oh, God. I have
to make a big decision

and I just hate
making big decisions.

Mm. That's so weird
because I love big decisions.

-Hit me.
-Okay. I--

So, there's this big
Knix partner event

on the same day
as Carla's rehearsal dinner.

So, skip the rehearsal dinner.

Well, Jack, I mean, that's
a really huge thing to skip.

I've never gotten married
before, but if I did,

I don't think that
I would care that much

if my best friend's
aunt wasn't there.

-I can't miss it.
-Okay,

well, then skip the event.

No, but I-- but, you know,
then I'll lose my contract.

I'll lose the 100,000 dollars.

Uh, okay.
Do you have the contract?

Can I-- can I see
the paperwork on it?

-Yeah, no--
-On your phone?

Oh, that-- You don't have
to do that.

No, I'm-- I'm very good
at this kinda thing.

-Trust me.
-Oh. Yeah, no. Okay.

-Yeah.
-Sure. Of course.

Okay. It's right-- it's on here.

-Okay.
-See, it's right there. Okay.

-Okay. Okay, so...
-What?

Uh, this only says that
you have to attend the event,

but it doesn't say anything
about how long

-you have to stay there for.
-Oh, really?

So, why don't you just
go to the event,

and then leave early,

and you'll make it in time
for the rehearsal dinner.

You know what?
This is such a great idea.

-Of course!
-You sound surprised.

Well, I'm not surprised.

I mean, you're--
you're very smart.

-I'm smart.
-Yes, you are.

Yeah. See, finally some honesty.

I can't help it.
I'm sorry.

-Oh, boy. I need some wine.
-Yeah.

Oh, excuse me, but, you know,
I have to leave early.

But it's not a problem.

Um, hi, hello.

Rita Martin.
That's my name. Yes.

Rita,
over here.

Is that Rita Martin?

Here, Rita.

♪ Who's scrolling
Through my feed? ♪

♪ Who's wishing they were me? ♪

-I am dead.
-Whoo! Excuse me!

-Aunt Rita in the flesh. You--
-Yes.

-are so freaking R-E-A-L.
-Oh!

My friends and I are huge fans.

-Well, thank you so much.
-I'm Sam.

I'm the marketing
manager for Knix.

-Oh!
-Not to brag,

but I am the one
that told my bosses

they had to reach out to you.

Well, thank you.
Really? I--

Wow. It's just,
I appreciate that so much.

-You've got to come...
-Where?

...to the VIP area for Urth.

Oh, oh, well. Earth?

Urth. She's leading the
collective breathing seminar

that's closing out the day.

Oh, no. You know, I really--
honestly, I can't do that.

-Thank you so much.
-You crack me up.

-Come on. Come on.
-Yeah, oh, what do you mean?

-Oh.
-You know,

I was one of the 10,000
to unfollow Lil' Yachty

after he commented
that your sweater was too loose.

-What was that?
-Oh.

Oh, I don't know. You know,
he's obsessed with me.

-It's honestly kind of weird.
-Well, so am I.

So, anyway, just enjoy
the event, and I'm just gonna

capture some video
of you in your natural habitat.

-Okay?
-Okay, but wait, wait.

I want to thank you
for this offer, of course...

-Yeah, you bet.
-...but just one quick thing.

-Hmm?
-Um, I have my best friend's

rehearsal dinner tonight.
So, actually, I'm--

I'm gonna have to leave now.

-I totally hear you...
-So, anyway--

...but if you could just

stick around for
a few more minutes, okay?

We're gonna be streaming
this on Instagram Live,

and I want to make sure
that you are front and center.

Yeah, oh. Oh, but, you see,

that's the opposite
of what I said I wanted to do.

-Mm. Yeah. Mm.
-Uh-huh.

But it's just, we have to make
sure that our new partners

are familiar with our followers.

-Uh-huh. I see--
-That's how it works.

I've seen some incredible
partners lose contracts...

-Yeah, but--
-...just because the fans

-don't see them as friends.
-Oh.

So, no pressure, you know,
but make it organic, you know?

Have your own experience and--

and we are looking to create
some moments here.

-So, energy up! Big smiles.
-Well-- Wait, what?

Rah-rah-rah! Yeah.

All right, my warriors.

Who's ready to find their light?

Oh, my warriors.

I want you to repeat after me.

For us!

Okay. For us!

For you! For me!

Let me hear you!

For us!

For you!

For you!

For me!

For me!

For us!

For you!

- Yeah.
- For me! Oh, yes.

Your chanting,
it nourishes my soul.

-Ah!
-We are not here to work out

our abs or our glutes
or our triceps. No.

We are here
to work on our souls.

Our soul!

Ho-ho.

We did not come here
to exercise our bodies.

No.

We came here
to exploresize our demons!

- For me!
- Let me hear you!

For us! For you!

For me!

Oh, yes! I feel it.

I feel it, you are powerful. Oh!

That is a warrior right there!

-Huh?
-Yes. Come on up here.

- Really?
- Come on. Come on, yes!

Come on up here!
Yes, warrior!

Yes! Oh! Yes!

I am a warrior.

I am a warrior!

Yes! Yes!

Squat and feel it, yeah!

No!

-You're on fire!
-On fire!

Everybody, let's not panic.
Let's just grab a buddy.

Everybody calm down!

Everybody, it's gonna be good!
We're gonna be okay.

Everybody just-- just--

Yeah. That--
Move in that direction.

Are you all right? I'm so sorry.

I-- I think you should--

Help!

Carla, Carla, it's me.
I'm almost there.

I'm really, I'm-- I'm--
Quite frankly, I'm there.

Really. I mean--

So, we'll see
you guys tomorrow.

- Love you.
- Carla?

Carla. Oh!

-Are you okay?
-I--

I just, I got stuck
at that Marie Claire thing,

and, you know,
it's the kind of situation

where you just don't know
what you can say no

to and-- and what you can't.

And I set myself on fire.
I know. It's crazy.

I'm not gonna lie, Mack.

I'm really, really bummed
you didn't make it tonight.

You missed my rehearsal dinner
for an influencer event?

-You're my maid of honor.
-I-- I know. I--

You've been my best friend
my whole life.

And I've loved
every single version of you.

But right now,
Mack, Rita, whatever,

I don't recognize the person
standing in front of me.

And it has nothing to do
with what you look like.

I'm-- I'm so sorry, Carla.

The one thing we've always done
for one another is show up.

You didn't do that tonight.
And it just really makes me sad.

Oh, God.

I don't know
what I'm doing half the time.

Hey, thought I'd find you
up here.

-Is everything okay?
-Oh.

Yeah.

-Hey.
-What?

Rita, look at me.

- Please, Jack.
- Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey.
No. It's okay. It's okay.

Look, you don't have to be
embarrassed in front of me.

- No.
- Here, here.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

I'm just so really frustrated
with who I am right now.

Because I haven't always been
like this, Jack, you see.

You know, I thought, like,
being in a different place,

you know,
it'd help me feel better.

You know, it'd help me
be a better person.

But today, I was worse, just--
I was a bad friend.

It just sounds
like you had a really bad day,

but that doesn't make
you a bad person.

-Jack--
-No, you are one

of the best people
that I've ever met.

Why? Why are you
being so nice to me?

Why? Huh?

-Don't do that.
-Because I like you.

What's the matter
with you anyway? Huh?

I mean, you want,
like, a full list?

No, no, I'm really serious.

You spent the past month
hanging out with an old lady

like she's your girlfriend
or something.

What are you trying
to avoid, Jack?

Nothing.

Listen, I know that my life
doesn't look like

what you think a 40-year-old's
life should look like,

but I love it.

And I have done enough therapy
to know that I like myself.

And when I met you, I saw
someone who was comfortable

being exactly who they are.
And I know that--

you know, you're not going
to be here forever.

You've got your own
life to go back to.

Exactly. I have a life, Jack.

And I've lost sight
of who I really am.

Do you understand what I mean?

I mean,
I can't really stay here.

I just can't stay here, Jack.
I can't do that anymore.

Wha-oh!

You wanna tell us
what's going on...

Mack?

Well, I need a refill.
Anyone else?

Yeah. If what
you just said is true,

I cannot possibly tell
you how stupid you sound.

-Nobody wants to be old.
-No, no. Sure they do.

Yes.

My grammie used to always say
this thing about, like,

how when you're old, you get
the best seat at the table.

Oh, you get any seat
at the table,

because people know
your bones hurt.

You get the best seat
at the table

because you realize
what you want and don't want.

And maybe the best seat
at the table

is in the other damn room,
where you're 30.

Right.

Rita, I-- I mean Mack.
You know those 30 years

you skipped so that you could,
uh, maybe wear, uh,

elastic waistbands
and, uh, whatever?

Those are the good years.
Those are the you years.

And you really don't want
to skip those.

- Nuh-uh.
- The 30 after that,

they're good, too.
But, oh, those middle years...

Oh, man. Mwah!

It's not magic,
sweetheart.

-It's just work.
-Oh.

You? You had
to work on yourself?

Oh.

I was married
to a man named Steve.

And then I spent my middle age
building a home

with a woman named Tina, so...

- Tina.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I did some work.
Mack, sweetheart,

you didn't want to be old.
What you wanted was to be you.

Mm-hmm.

- I gotta go, okay?
- You got to go.

- You go, girl.
- Yeah.

You girls lock it up
on your way out, okay?

And get that hair
out of your face.

I'm trying.

-Okay, now I'll have some more.
-Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah, right.
Okay. Wow.

Okay. Okay, hell. Okay.

Luca! Luca!

Where are you,
you son of a bitch?

Luca! Luca!

Luca! Lu-- oh!

-Do you have an appointment?
-No. No, Luca.

I don't have
an appointment, Luca.

Okay, you're coming in
with a lot of energy.

-We don't really do that here.
-Uh-huh. Really?

You didn't turn me into this?

I happen to be
a 30-year-old woman...

-Keep it down.
-...and this is not my face!

-Mm.
-And this is not my hair.

And guess what?
This is not my body!

Okay, look, lady.
I don't know what drugs

-you're on right now--
-You did this to me!

but this is
an old broken tanning bed

I got off Craigslist.
It doesn't do anything, okay?

But wait a second, sir.

In Palm Springs,
I laid down in that pod,

and when I came out,
I was in this body.

Okay, I'm gonna go get you
a cup of water. Maybe--

No, no, no! Don't you dare!

You get over here.
You open

that tin can up right now.

-All right.
-Yes!

All right.
Stop yelling at me. Jesus.

What?

- Just get in. It's--
- Oh. Oh, my God.

Go.

Okay.

I'm sorry I yelled at you, lady.

That-- that was
not very Zen of me.

Come on. Work, okay? Work!

It's okay. Just calm down.

Relax. Breathe.

You're not saying
your whole spiel.

Please just say it.

-Please.
-Think about who you are.

Come on.

-Think about who you wanna be.
-Work, damn it! Work.

Come on.

Life can take you
on a winding path

that often moves
in both directions.

Come on!

It's important to
remember that...

- Okay.
- ...time is merely a construct.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Who you are...

...who you were...

Who you're going to be...

It's all within
you at this very moment.

Oh, yes.

Yes! Yes! Oh,
I missed you. I missed you.

Oh, my God. Hah!

Whoa!

Oh!

This thing...

Yes!

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm back. I'm back.

Thank you. Thank you.

-Thank you. Thank you so much.
-What just happened?

I know. It's crazy!

I need to go. I have to go.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

Carla!

-Oh!
-Oh!

Don't cry.

She's happy.

- Well--
- I'm gonna cry.

Don't cry.
You're getting married.

Oh, my God.
You look so beautiful.

-Oh, my gosh.
-I kinda miss the gray.

I know. Me, too.

Oh, it's so good

to see you,
sweetheart.

Hi!

I thought you were dead!

Go change.

Yes.
'Cause you are wearing white

and jeans at a wedding,
and that's crazy.

Close your mouth, honey.

We did it.

Ooh, ooh, yeah.

Oh! Uh, hey.

-Hey.
-Hey. Uh--

Whoo, sorry. Hey, you.

I'm sorry. It is--
it's weird

that I'm here right now.

I-- I realize that.

I just-- I didn't know if Rita--
She's-- she's gone.

Oh, yeah. We swapped back.

Apartments, which is what
we swapped in the first place.

So, yeah, she's in,
uh, Scottsdale.

Seriously? I never
even got to say goodbye.

We, um-- Yeah, we just kind
of were hanging out

while she was staying here.

Oh? Hanging out?

Well, we just both
had nothing to do,

so we did nothing together.

She's, um, really not like
anyone I've ever met before.

Well...
...for what it's worth,

she told me that
you were really cool, too.

Maybe a little
too old for a skateboard.

She said that? I--

I mean, the-- the first thing,
about being cool?

Because I knew how she felt
about my skateboard.

Yeah. She did.

Cool.

You think she's ever
coming back?

Someday, maybe.

But not for a really,
really long time.

Okay.

Uh, if you do talk to her,
please just tell her I said hi.

I will.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Sorry. I, um-- ugh!

I had too many shrimp.
But they were the big ones.

The jumbo, like, for sure
genetically engineered ones?

For sure genetically
engineered ones.

Yeah.

Okay.

Congrats on
your new book.

You know, I've been seeing
a lot of people

posting pictures of it
on their legs on the beach

-and they call that hotdogging.
-Oh, very cool.

I gotta be honest,
I kind of miss Rita.

Her French exit from the feed
was one of the sexiest things

I've ever seen,
and I've seen porn.

Mm-hmm.

Also, thank you for recommending
the Instagrammies to me.

The drunkest one, she has
over 500,000 followers

and it just makes me be like,

"What have you
ever done for me?"

Oh, yeah. They're--
they're awesome.

Oh, wait. S-- s--
co-- yeah, copy that.

Okay.

Hi!

Thank you so much
for coming.

Hi, bebe. I'm so proud of you.

Ooh!

-All right, you ready? Ready?
-Yes. Yes, sorry.

All right, everyone,
let's get jazzed

for this reading.

- Yeah.
- You go, girl.

Um, so that's me,
right? Uh...

Hi. Uh, thank you
all for coming.

Uh-uh.

I-- I really-- I wanted
to share this book

with the people in my life
who mean the most to me.

My first book was a series
of essays about my grandma.

And until very recently,

she was
the only person in my life

who made me feel like
I had license to be myself.

And when she died,

I-- I thought
that I had lost that.

I, uh...

I had a really hard time
feeling like I was enough.

And, uh, I-- I worried
so much about, you know,

all the things that made me, me.

That they were
too weird, too different,

and not fun, not cool.

And it took a, uh...

a near-death experience

to realize that that's not true.

I realized that the people
in my life who I love--

love those things about me, too.

And believing that gave me
the confidence

to show myself,
you know, to new people.

And to finally write
another book, so...

Without further ado...

Okay.

Here we go.
All right, let's see.

"I grew up always feeling
like I was an older woman

trapped in the body
of a little girl."

"I think that's why I was
so fond of the term 'old gal.'"

"I was raised by my grandma."

"And she was the coolest
'old gal' I ever knew."

"All I wanted was
to be like Grammie Martin."

"But like any kid,
I had to fit in."

♪ Are we beautiful ♪

♪ All of us? ♪

♪ 'Cause we got
Something natural ♪

♪ It's a part of us ♪

♪ Darlin', when they put
You down like that ♪

♪ Yeah, you can
Reply right back ♪

♪ You are beautiful, yeah ♪

♪ I know, I know you are ♪

♪ I know, I know, you are ♪

♪ I found myself
looking again ♪

♪ Wondering why my body
Doesn't look like them ♪

♪ Know it might sound weird
But I refuse to pretend ♪

♪ And then you probably think
The same every now and again ♪

♪ I got more than
All these scars ♪

♪ I got flaws
And broken hearts ♪

♪ I don't like this stranger ♪

♪ Staring at me, yeah ♪

♪ All the things you do to me ♪

♪ Tell me the truth ♪

♪ Are we beautiful? ♪

♪ All of us? ♪

♪ 'Cause we got
Something natural ♪

♪ It's a part of us ♪

♪ Darlin', when they put
You down like that ♪

♪ Yeah, you can
Reply right back ♪

♪ You are beautiful, yeah ♪

♪ I know, I know you are ♪

♪ I know, I know you are ♪

♪ We are beautiful, yeah ♪

♪ I know, I know, we are ♪

♪ We are beautiful, yeah ♪

♪ I know, I know
We are, we are ♪

♪ I know, I know, we are ♪

♪ We are beautiful ♪

♪ I know, I know we are ♪