All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S07E11 - Valloweaster.eng.SDH

MALE OFFICER: I don't miss Porzingis.

I'm glad the Knicks got rid of him.
That's crazy.

You never trade a seven-footer
with three-point range.

[OFFICERS CLAMORING]

Why is the precinct full of bunnies?

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

MAN: Go, go, go!

[CACKLES]

This is still going on? What is?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Halloween heist!

[ALL CHEERING]

[AIR HORN BLARING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PERALTA: Happy Halloween.

I see you all have your game faces on.

Special shout-out to Amy

who is clearly only wearing
that pumpkin costume

to conceal her heist equipment.

Nuh-uh. I was greeting
kids at the Halloween party.

Nobody believes you.

Anyhow, will there be a new
champion crowned this year,

or will I become the first
ever three-time winner,

building on my glorious victories

in heists one and five?

You didn't win the fifth heist.

I did, when you proposed to me.

HOLT: I won that year.

You ended up with a modified
version of the cummerbund,

and you only got that because
you slept your way into it.

Sorry, sir, that no one
here wants to bone you,

you dusty, old skeleton.

Whoa! [LAUGHS]

Okay, so this segs me nicely
into my next point, decorum.

This is supposed to be a fun day

that brings us all closer together,

but in the past few years,

I've noticed it trending
in the opposite direction.

Is this about the surveillance
system I set up in your apartment?

Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.

No, but it is now.

All right, look, the point is,
this year when we team up,

there will be no betrayals,
because at the end of the day,

we're all friends, and
we love each other,

and also, you'll be
handcuffed to your partner.

If you undo them, you lose.

Now, in each of these
envelopes is a name.

The last four champs
will pick their partners,

and, since I'm already up here,

I'll just go first. So… Nope.

You've obviously rigged
this to get the best teammate,

but I'm not falling
for that crap this time.

So I am going to partner with…

Scully.

You know what?
We are friends, best friends.

Sorry I took your envelope.

No, no, no! It's too late.

Boyle, cuff 'em. It's okay, Rosa.

I'm focused this year,

and I'm more determined to win than ever.

I also really have to go to the bathroom.

Why didn't you say that

before he put the handcuffs on us?

SANTIAGO: Okay, I'll go next.

I have… [CHUCKLES]

Geppetto? Yeah.

Ugh, that must be Charles.

It is because I'm the puppeteer,

and you're all my little puppets.

Ugh.

Can we choke our partner
to death with our handcuffs?

Sure, choke away. Terry?

I'm out.

Terry is retiring from heisting.

I don't have anything left to prove after

my win last year.

But we need you.
What if one of us has a plan

that involves a big, strong brute?

Not a great sales pitch, Jake.

Terry is going out on top.

PERALTA: Ugh, fine.

I guess that makes it my turn,

so I will pick my partner.

And it is…

[LAUGHS] Raymond Holt.

Well, well, well,

it appears the original two heist champs

are teaming up.

Should we just skip ahead so everyone can

bow down to us now?

Yes, you all heard him. Bow down.

Boyle, you first.

He is not gonna bow do…
Ugh, he's already doing it.

Well, they're gonna win.
I'm currying favor.

So what prize are we
playing for, you ask?

Wait, what about me?
Nobody picked my envelope.

So what prize are we
playing for, you ask?

[HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC]

Ooh, the Infinity Gauntlet
from The Avengers.

Yes, except not quite.

The actual movie replica
was extremely expensive,

so I had to get something
off Russian eBay.

Say hello to the Infinitude Gobbler.

It's identical to the one that Thaboo
wore in the movie Avangaboys.

HOLT: This glove… Gobbler.

…contains three plastic jewels.

The Infinitude Gems.

Each representing one
aspect of a heist winner.

"Amazing," "human," "genius."

Whoever possesses
these stones at midnight

will be named champion.

But what obstacles will I
face, you may ask yourself.

Well, the Infinitude Gems will be guarded

by a ferocious and daunting sentry.

Hey, best friends.

We're not your best friends, Bill.

[LAUGHS] You don't get to decide that.

So Bill will hide the
gems in his pockets.

You're really gonna have
to root around in there.

I dried my jeans, so they're extra tight.

You were right, Amy.
I should have got a safe.

Sorry, everyone. Let the heist begin!

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

HOLT: I can't believe the
two strongest competitors

got partnered up.

We're a dream team

like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Okay, I know you're not
talking about basketball,

so just tell me what weird sport

you think the Dream Team was from.

Sport?
I'm talking about the opening ceremonies.

Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus

singing back-to-back arias.

Wonderful, yes, we are
just like Agnes and Alfredo

all thanks to me.

What? Oh, yeah.

I rigged the envelopes
so that we could team up.

But you chose Scully initially.

Only because I knew as
soon as I tried to go first,

Rosa would jump in, and then I made sure

no one picked our
envelopes by marking them

with Cheeto thumbprints.

Oh, so everyone would assume

that they were Hitchcock and Scully's.

Brilliant.

These fools don't stand
a chance against us.

Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they?

Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo

beat at singing to get into the Olympics.

I know nothing about opera.
No, you're right.

Amy's a real Teresa Berganza, huh?

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHING] I don't know.

Look at them laughing. Jake must
have said something really funny.

Should we forfeit and
go hear what it was?

No, Charles, we're not forfeiting.

I wanted Jake to rig the envelopes

and partner up with Holt.

I gave him the idea by
making him watch Lincoln.

Oh, wow, a team of rivals.

Mmm-hmm.

And when that didn't work,

we watched X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Magneto and Professor X working together?

Amy, are you seeing this?

Yes, I see it.

[WHISPERS] I see it all.

Why would you do that?
Jake and Holt are like the '92 dream team.

I know you're not talking about sports,

so who do you think the
'92 Dream Team was?

Aladdin and Abu. Right.

Look, Jake and Holt are too stubborn

and too proud to work as a team.

Once they implode, we'll
waltz in and grab the gems.

I do love waltzing.
What about Rosa and Scully?

I'm not too worried about them.

SCULLY: Hey, Rosa, you
brought headphones, right?

To drown out the sound? No.

Oh boy, I'm really sorry
for what's heading your way.

-[DIAZ SCREAMS]
-I'm sorry!

So here's the plan. Okay.

We're gonna need pliers, grappling hook…

Wait. Amy, look.

[GASPS]

The bullpen's filling up with smoke.

Oh, someone's making a move.
That's right.

That someone is us.

Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.

You're just saying it's
sloppy because you're jealous

you didn't think of it.

You don't even know what we're doing yet.

Fog up the room until no one
can see and then steal the gems.

Yeah, but I also got us little booties,

so we can move through the room quietly.

And I memorized the exact
layout of the entire bullpen

using a blindfold, so follow me.

One, two, three, desk.

One, two, turn.

One, two, three, four, Bill.

Hi, boys. Oh, God!

Why do you sound horny? Very upsetting.

Okay, reaching into your pockets,

feeling a lot of things,
and I got the gems.

Let's go.

One, two, three… Oh! Whoa.

Was that the gems? Did you drop them?

That chair wasn't supposed to be there.

-Where'd they go?
-HOLT: I can't see anything.

Turn off the smoke.
It's lucky I was prepared for you to fail.

Now, I didn't wanna
reveal him this early, but…

[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

HOLT: Here he comes.

Cheddar! Cheddar the Dog!

Yeah, we all knew he was coming.

You don't have to make
such a meal out of it.

Go, Cheddar. Arcessere.

Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Who has the gems? What's going on?

And explain it quickly.
I have to pee again.

You're too late.

For the last three months, I
have been training Cheddar

to retrieve gems.

Using his low center of
gravity and keen sense of smell,

he expertly… [GASPS]

Oh, no. He swallowed them.

He swallowed the gems!

Well… [BLEEP]

Mmm, got a pedicure, made a smoothie

'cause Terry loves smoothies.

Retiring early was the best
decision I have ever made.

Well, you're missing out.
People are saying

this is the most fun
heist we've ever done.

Looks like Holt keeps
trying to put his whole hand

in Cheddar's mouth

while Rosa googles,
"how to make a dog vomit."

Yeah.

Like I said, we're having a blast.

[GIGGLES]

Why would he have swallowed the gems?

Well, a photograph of Cheddar
was featured on Chonky Pups,

an Instagram account for overweight pets.

A top comment called him a "thick king."

Kevin and I put him
on a diet, and I suppose

he got hungry enough to
mistake the gems for food.

This is why you don't team up with a dog.

It's better than teaming up
with Bill like you do every year.

Bill is a human.

He is able to use more
than just his mouth.

Not if you don't want me to.
Bill, stop chiming in.

I'm just saying.
I'm not that different than a dog.

You're not helping.

We need to get Cheddar
to a doctor right now.

SANTIAGO: Bravo.

What a performance.

Cheddar didn't swallow any gems.

This is all a ruse
just like my brilliant lie

about the pumpkin costume. That was good.

There is no chance in
hell that any of this is real.

Yep, you can see the
gems right here on the X-ray.

Okay, so it's real.

Uh, I'm sorry. Who are all these people?

We're coworkers involved in
an elaborate Halloween heist.

Do you seriously not
talk to your vet about us?

Seems to me Cheddar has the gems,

and he's my property, so we win.

PERALTA: Yeah, works for me.

Time for the big wrap-up speech.

I'm sure you're all wondering
how we pulled this off.

No, we continue the
heist right here, right now.

I'm gonna open him up.

No, no, no, no, there's
no need to operate.

The gems are small enough.

He should be able to excrete
them without discomfort.

The medical term for
excrete is "dump out".

It is not. Hmm?

Okay, so we wait until
Cheddar passes the gems,

and then we restart the heist the
next time we all have a free day.

Perfect. When will that be?

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Valentine's Day

Halloween heist.

This is still happening?

SANTIAGO: Why so curious, Terry?

Hoping we'll let you participate now?

'Cause you can't! Oh, no.

I don't get to compete
for a bunch of stones

that were in a dog's butt.
What will I do?

I'll have you know that
a dog's butt is cleaner

than a human's mouth. That can't be true.

Well, a dog's mouth is
cleaner than a human's mouth,

and dog mouths lick dog butts,

so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

He has no comeback.

All right, the heist will
pick up where we left off.

There are six hours
remaining and three teams left.

The now-sterilized Infinitude Gems

will be placed back
into the care of Bill.

Oh, wow, Bill, looks like
you had a rough four months.

It was actually a great three months

and then one really bad one.

Okay, but you're here, and
you're happier than ever.

I don't know why you think that.

Let the heist re-begin!

Okay, your smoke plan was a disaster.

Yeah, because your dog ate the gems.

Because you tripped and dropped them.

Yeah, because someone
put a chair in my way

that wasn't supposed to be there.

I'm sorry.
Are you accusing me of something?

Was that not clear?
Do you need me to say it in Latin?

[IMITATES ITALIAN ACCENT]
I think-a you a-sabotage a-me.

I would never. I want to win.

Which is why I'm
initiating Operation Fabius.

Okay.

That does sound kind of cool.

Well, it shouldn't.
I may have to change the name.

Roman dictator Fabius Maximus

defeated Hannibal by avoiding
battle and exercising patience.

I can be patient. I just listened
to you talk about that Fabius guy

for, like, four hours.

It was two sentences. Ugh, shut up.

SANTIAGO: And the infighting continues.

I guess Jake and I still have

the only unbreakable
bond in the whole precinct.

I mean, he is my husband.

Uh-huh. No one ever gets divorced?

Charles. I'm sorry.

I'm just all worked up
because of the heist.

There's heist in the geist.

No, look. There's something happening.

MAN: I have flowers for Bill Hummertrout.

PERALTA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a scam.

There's no one in Bill's life
that would send him flowers.

It's true. Something's up.

Flowers for Bill Hummertrout?

How many of these guys are there?

Flowers for Bill… What is happening?

You tell us. You're the one
who just mysteriously appeared

at this critical moment.

I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully.

-It was a nightmare.
-SCULLY: For me too.

Hitchcock and I haven't
had any time alone all day.

I don't even know what he had for lunch.

Italian sandwich.
But, with what kind of chips?

Okay, stop. We don't have time for this.

Everyone, form a blockade! Protect Bill!

Protect the gems!

DIAZ: I can't see anything.
There's too many of them.

SANTIAGO: Wait, they're clearing out.

BILL: Yeah, because they got them.

-The gems are gone.
-PERALTA: Of course they are.

This is clearly the work of
Charles Boyle, the son of a florist.

You think I'd make
bouquets that look like this?

With all this baby's-breath?
What do you think of me?

Maybe it was Terry who sent the flowers!

Yeah, I really wanted to
spend $2,000 on Valentine's Day

not for my wife.

-Ah, he admitted it!
-HOLT: No, Rosa took the gems.

I saw you brush up against
one of the flower delivery men

who handed you the gems,
which you gave to Scully,

who placed them in his mouth.

-That's absurd.
-[MUFFLED] Yeah, that's absurd.

Okay, fine, but no one
is getting those gems.

Yeah.

None of you would dare
to put your bare hands

inside Scully's mouth. Yeah.

DIAZ: Who knows what
kind of diseases he's got.

[NORMAL VOICE] My doctors sure don't.

Scully, why wasn't that garbled?

Yep, he swallowed 'em.

You can see the gems
right here on the X-ray.

And you're sure those are the gems

and there's not something
horribly wrong with him?

Well, the part that's
horribly wrong with him

is if you look here… Oh, nobody cares.

What does this mean for the heist?

PERALTA: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Easter
Valentine's Day Halloween heist!

We will once again
pick up where we left off.

The Infinitude Gems…

You guys are still doing this?

You know it's April now.

Yeah, Terry, we're still doing it,

and we're still having a great time.

Why are the gems so pale?

I guess Scully's insides

zapped all the color out of them?
I don't know.

Babe, you're undercutting
my whole thing with Terry here.

Anyways, the Infinitude Gems

will go back to Bill

whose life seems to have
unraveled even further.

Tough March for you there, bud?
Yeah, just a heads up.

I sold my pants with the pockets,

so I'll be putting the gems
in my undies this time.

ALL: No.

I'll give him a fanny pack.
Can I keep it?

This could be just what I
need to turn my life around.

Yeah, Bill, you can keep the fanny pack.

I don't have to do anything for it, do I?

Because I will if you ask.

I'll do anything, even…

What's that supposed to represent?

No one answer that.
Anyhow, quick heist update.

There's less than an hour left,

and only two teams remain.

Two? My doctor said I'm at a grave risk

for a shenanigan-related
death, so I have to drop out.

That's not fair.
I should get a new partner.

-Terry, you want back in?
-JEFFORDS: Nope.

I want my mango tango. Slurp, slurp.

Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners

this late in the game,

they have to have the
same skill set as Scully.

I'm available. Right, or…

That filing cabinet
kind of looks like Scully.

I see it. Same flat top. But if we
really wanna make this a fair switch,

it seems like you need
to start in the men's room.

Come on. Let the heist re-re-begin!

Okay, in five minutes, ten other bunnies

will march past this door.

We'll blend in and grab the gems.
It's foolproof.

How is this any different
than my bunny suit plan?

Oh, it's very different.

I gave the bunnies
glasses and little, blue vests.

The vests add nothing.

The vests add gravitas.

Your butt adds gravitas.

Get ready.
Bunnies are gonna be here at any moment.

How do you know this is their plan?

'Cause Jake frickin' told me.

He did? Yeah.

He's so frustrated with Holt,

like I knew he would be,

that it's all he talks about.

In therapy. What?

The thing is, the bunny
vests do add gravitas,

but I can't tell him that
'cause then he wins.

Oh, hey, is it weird that
Jane Jetson gives me a bo…

You found a therapist
that let you do that?

No, I've been paying an actress

to pretend to treat him for months.

She's actually helped him a lot.

Oh, did Jake ever say anything about me

while you were listening?

Where are those bunnies?

[FILE CABINET SCRAPING]

Boy, that thing's pretty heavy, huh?

Here they come, my
beautiful, blue-vested bunnies.

My God, they're so cool.

What's that? Hmm? Nothing. I hate them.

This probably won't even work. Let's go.

It's happening. Put on your head.
Oh, with pleasure.

I love disappearing into a role.

I'm Argyle James
Hopford, a bachelor bunny

who's carrying out a scandalous
affair with a local goose.

Shut up and put on your damn head!

Hello, bunnies.

SANTIAGO: Okay,
just be cool and blend in.

HOLT: Jake, who are those bunnies?

PERALTA: They must be Amy and Charles.

BOYLE: They see us. Let's go.

SANTIAGO: Give it up, Bill! Give it up!

PERALTA: Come on, Holt, move your ass.

SANTIAGO: No, I can't unclasp
the fanny pack with these furry hands.

HOLT: You're hitting me, Jake.

PERALTA: I can't see anything,
and we're all dressed the same.

-BOYLE: Uh-oh, Rosa's coming.
-SANTIAGO: And Bill's getting away.

HOLT: Nope, I got his ankle.

SANTIAGO: Get off me! Get off me!

PERALTA: Someone got the fanny pack!

SANTIAGO: They're headed for the roof!

PERALTA: Go, go, go!

[CACKLES]

This is still going on?

Was it Terry?

Nope. Wasn't me.

Wait, if you're Terry, then that must be…

What's up, losers?

Yes.

Whoo. Whoo.

Rosa, that was amazing.

It was not amazing.
She didn't stay handcuffed to her partner.

She's disqualified.

We'll reset and start
over on the next holiday.

Earth day. An Earth day heist.

-It's perfect.
-DIAZ: Wrong.

Rules said I couldn't
undo the cuffs, and I didn't.

Oh, not fair. I didn't know I
could cut off Peralta's hand.

I'll file that away for next year.

Actually, I think we're one and done

on the whole handcuff concept.

This is incredible.
How'd you do it, Rosa?

Well, back on Halloween,

I knew Jake would make the
first move, and I had to be ready.

PERALTA: You were hiding in the fog.

It wasn't Holt that put
that chair in my pathway.

No, I did.

I wanted to be the one who
was responsible for our victory.

What? We already lost.

There's no point in trying to
maintain team morale now.

-Dick.
-DIAZ: Anyway, I knew

Cheddar would be making an appearance.

Oh, everyone loves to see Cheddar.

He's here a lot. I never bring in Arlo.

Who? Exactly.

I spent every morning for the last year

giving Cheddar a taste for ham.

Oh, so that's why he got so thick

and ended up on "Chonky Pups."

I submitted his photo.

And once you put Cheddar on a diet,

all I had to do was mark the gems

with a little of that sweet ham taste.

Why did you want Cheddar
to swallow the gems?

Because I needed to delay things.

The second part of my plan
took place on Valentine's Day,

which went perfectly.

Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly.

Scully swallowed the gems.

'Cause I tricked him into it.
Wasn't hard.

Pretty much used the same
Cheddar ham playbook.

Table ham.

Seven days in a row.

So now I have to think
twice before I eat food

I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

DIAZ: I marked the gems with ham again,

and everything pushed to
Easter when I could finally

get rid of Scully as my partner.

Doctor, I'm willing to pay you

to tell Norm Scully not to participate…

Participate? No, no, no.

Norm Scully should not be
participating in any activities.

He could die. I'll go call him right now.

Now I finally had a teammate
whose hand I could cut off.

Just needed a little help from Terry.

Boy, that thing's pretty heavy, huh?

Did you bring the tools?

But you were retired.
You were loving your smoothies.

Yeah, but after a while, I felt left out.

And if I'm being honest,

the smoothies weren't even that good.

I wonder why that was.

Maybe it's because I
hammed your smoothie.

Am I the only one who
didn't get fed ham this year?

Wait, how did you know
about Jake's bunny plan?

You weren't the only one
listening in on his therapy.

Of course the bunnies
should have glasses.

I just can't believe I didn't
come up with it myself.

Oh, you know what?
Betty Rubble also gives me a bo…

You guys were listening in on my therapy?

That feels like a real violation.

Jake, Jake, this is Rosa's moment.

Yeah, man, go tell it
to your fake therapist.

She's fake?

Anyway, then I grabbed the gems,

jumped off the roof, and
wrote my name in flames.

Wait, why did you
keep delaying the heist?

Couldn't you have just won at Halloween?

Oh, I did.

These are the real Halloween gems.

I switched them out
before Cheddar found them.

I also won on Valentine's Day.

What is happening?

I switched those gems out
before I gave them to Scully.

And then I won today.

So while you nerds are always arguing

about who the only two-time champion is…

PERALTA, SANTIAGO, HOLT: Me.

I just became the first
three-time champion.

I guess there's just
one thing left to do.

To Rosa Diaz, an amazing human/genius.

ALL: To Rosa Diaz.

Well, you did it, but
always remember one thing.

Those gems were in Scully's butt.

How dare you. I know.

I'm happy for you, I guess. I don't know.

Hold on. I have some math questions.

If Rosa has three wins,
does Scully have two?

-Am I now tied with Scully?
-SANTIAGO: No, no, no.

I'm tied with Scully.

You're tied with the filing cabinet.

The filing cabinet has more wins than me?

Yes, obviously.
Yeah, that's how that works.

As it should. Guys, stop it.

We're supposed to be
celebrating Rosa here,

not fighting. No, no, keep fighting.

It's why I did this.

You know, technically, we
all shared in Jake's first win,

so this might be my fourth.

What? No.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Oh, we also helped Holt win too.

Oh, shut up, Santiago. Just shut up.

Excuse me? Wow, "shut up"?

PERALTA: How dare you, sir.
I won two times.

That is my wife.

[ALL ARGUING]