All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S07E07 - Ding Dong.eng.SDH

What's this meeting about?

Did someone find my meatball sub?

A, we would never have
a meeting about that.

B, you are holding it. Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Meeting adjourned.
Meeting's not over, dummy.

Terry said he had some
news from the office

of Commissioner Wuntch. Ugh!
What does that human blister want now?

Does she intend to
demote me even further?

Or perhaps she'll transfer me
to the swamps of New Jersey

so I can patrol the sinkhole
where she was spawned.

Or it's possible the announcement

has nothing to do with you.

Oh, good thinking, Peralta.

You're right.
Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all

that she's a Cheuksin.

A what? A Cheuksin.

A Korean toilet ghost,
lives in an outhouse,

wraps her hair around your throat

and chokes you to death
while you move your bowels.

You know what? I will give you $6,000

if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Okay, everyone. I have some news.

That Madeline Wuntch
is a Korean toilet ghost?

Boring. We already knew that.

Madeline Wuntch is dead. Say what now?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait, Wuntch is dead?

Yeah. The Commissioner's
office just notified us.

No way that's true. As Wuntch says

when she sees deodorant,

"I'm not buying it." [LAUGHS]

-Sir, she's dead.
-HOLT: Oh, Terry.

Zombies can't die.

This is some sort of scam.

If she were dead,

we would be hearing
the sounds of children

-singing in the streets.
-BOYLE: I don't know, sir.

You didn't believe it when we told you

the Disco Strangler died either.

And I was right. He was faking it.

Maybe she's alive.

Why would Wuntch fake her own death?

The same reason she
visits Mexico once a year

and sucks the blood from all the goats.

For kicks.

Look, I don't know what to tell you,

but she's dead. What do you want?

To open up her coffin
and check for yourself?

Oh, she's very dead.

Hello, gentlemen. Guess who's walking

the red carpet this Saturday?

Chord Overstreet. Who?

Sam Evans from Glee. No, me.
Why would you guess that?

I was clearly talking about me.

Okay, but for the record,
I bet Chord Overstreet

will also be walking one.

Stop talking about Chord Overstreet.

No, I'm going to the world premiere

of Kwazy Kupcakes: The Movie.

Whoa! How'd you get the invite?

My buddy Mikey J. hooked me up.

Oh, your ska friend?
Did he work on the movie?

No, he submitted an unsolicited script

that a producer accidentally opened

so legally they had to
give him a "story by" credit,

and now I've got four tickets.

Wow. So who you bringing?

You know, Cagney and
Lacey love Kwazy Kupcakes.

They are crazy Kwazy fans.

Cool.
Well, if you guys are free this Saturday…

Stop, before you say anything you regret,

you should know that Kwazy Kupcakes

means a lot to Nikolaj.

At the orphanage, that
game was his only friend.

Touching, but Cagney and
Lacey don't have any friends at all.

Maybe they can make some at this event.

So what do you say, Jake?
Whose kids do you like more?

What? Wait, wait, wait.
That's not what this is about.

No, Boyle's right.
Whose kids do you like more?

Tell us now. Okay.

You guys are being really intense.

I like all of your kids an equal amount.

Just give me some
space and I'll figure out

who I'm gonna take.

Okay, backing off. Stepping away.

Making room. Letting you breathe.

-PERALTA: Thank you.
-[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Did you both just send me
pictures of your kids crying?

BOTH: No.

Ding, dong, the Wuntch is dead.

Bagels for everyone!

So I guess you believe it now.

Yep. Wanna see the selfies I took?

Actually, yes.
I'll share the album with you.

Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch!

She was so young!

For a redwood tree.

I don't understand what's going on.

Why are you crying?

A person is dead. I feel sad.

That's insane.
You don't feel sad when a monster dies

in a monster movie.

In E.T. did you feel sad when E.T. dies?

Yes. He wasn't a monster.

He caused a real commotion.

It isn't just Wuntch.
I started seeing a fertility doctor

and she has me taking hormones

to help with ovulation

and my emotions are in overdrive.

Well, I know just the
thing to cheer you up.

Wuntch is dead! Bagel!

Bagel! Bagel!

Sir, I am loving this color on you,

but don't you think you
should tone it down?

Why, in case I run into her family?

I'm not planning any
trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Wait. Does this mean you're
gonna be captain again?

It does. The Chief of Personnel called

to say the promotion is in the works.

Her death means I've won.

It's finally over.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

An email from Madeline Wuntch?

Subject line, "It's not over."

My friends,

I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.

Why are you talking like that?

And why'd you have us come in here?
Is this about the tickets?

It is indeed about said tickets,

and said proclamation
about said tickets is in fact…

Jake, just tell us.
No one is liking this.

I'm loving it. You sound so smart.

Oh, thank you, my loyal subject, Charles.

Now, as you know, this decision
has been quite hard upon me,

title of mine sex tape

but I have made it at long last,

and it is my decree

that the recipient of
said tickets shall be…

Both of you. What?
Did you talk to Mikey J.

And get more tickets?
Indeed I did not, but it is my decision

that I will cut all of
said tickets in twain.

Twain? Terry doesn't want a
twained ticket to Kwazy Kupcakes.

That's not how tickets work.

You'd just be ruining them.
None of us would get in.

Are you dumb? No!

All right, full disclosure.

I was trying to do that Bible thing

and then one of you was
gonna take the high road

and say that rather than
see the tickets destroyed,

you would just bow
out, and then that person

was gonna get the tickets.

Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.

Agreed. Boyles or bust.

Cut them up.
[SIGHS] I'm not gonna do that.

I'm just gonna have to think of
another way to figure this out.

Stupid Bible with stupid
lessons never solved crap.

So you were right. Wuntch was
not able to claw through her coffin

and write the email herself.

It turns out, the lawyer
for her estate sent it.

I wish I had taken the LSATs.

Not to be a lawyer.
Just seems like a fun test.

Dude, you're bumming us out.

All right.
The email contains a link to a video.

I'm going to play it. Brace yourselves.

If it shows Madeline, be sure
not to look directly into her eyes.

Because we'll turn to stone?

No. Because her eyes are ugly.

Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?

-[KEYBOARD CLICKS]
-Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary

three times, so yes.

When did she record this?

Judging by the flames around
her, it could be a livestream.

-[CHUCKLES] Very good, Rosa. [LAUGHING]
-[KEYBOARD CLICKS]

I'm sure you consider my
untimely death a victory,

but I'd never let you win.

I told everyone that in my final days,

we reconciled and you insisted
on hosting and organizing

my NYPD memorial service.

I know you won't be able
to resist badmouthing me

at the service.
All the top brass will be there,

and when you speak ill of
me, it will end your career.

It's over. I won.

Bye, Raymond.

Oh, no. I'm doomed.

Seriously? All you have to
do is not insult a dead woman

at her own memorial service.

Exactly.

It's impossible.

Oh, you must be feeling better.

You're heating up your
favorite meal, beans.

They're refried. It's bad enough

they were cooked once, let alone twice,

and now the toaster
oven makes it three times.

[OVEN BEEPS]

I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

So I take it you couldn't get out
of organizing Wuntch's memorial.

Oh, no. It's impossible.

She has bested me yet again.

Well, then stop being
such a moron, you idiot.

Amy! Sorry, it's the hormones.

They're making me really irritable.

Angry Amy's right.
All you have to do is say

a few nice comments during the memorial.

As God said when Wuntch tried to
sneak past the gates into heaven,

"It ain't happening, honey." [LAUGHS]

I tried to write a kind
speech about her last night,

and this is what came out.

Oh. It's, like, 20 pages long.

Why is it in all caps?

So I remember to yell it.

Oh, well, you obviously
can't read any of this.

Look, since you can't say anything nice,

try saying the opposite of
whatever you're thinking.

Interesting. I'll give it a whirl.

Madeline Wuntch was…

A friend. See? It's not that hard

to say something… Oh, you're vomiting.

[RETCHING]

Hi, Jake. It's me, Nikolaj.

Hey, bud. What are you doing here?

It's Thursday.
Shouldn't you be at tailoring class?

I want to say thank you.

Dad said that you were giving us tickets

to the Kwazy Kupcakes movie.

Oh, he did, did he? Excuse me one second.

[WHISPERING] Of all the twisted moves!

Don't hate the player.
Go ahead. Tell Niko

he's not going. I dare you.

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Hey, listen. [CLEARS THROAT]

Niko, there's something I gotta tell you.

BOTH: Uncle Jake! Uncle Jake!

Slow down, girls. No need to run.

Uncle Jake is family.
Now, what do you wanna say to Uncle Jake?

BOTH: Thank you for the tickets.

Oh, that's so cute how you said that

at the same time without
rehearsing it in the car.

It sure is.
Hey, Terry, Charles, can I speak with you

in the break room for a moment?

Uh, hey, kids, look at this.

Pimping out your kids?
I hate to say this,

but you two are acting like bad dads,

and I should know. One time my
father forgot to pick me up from school

'cause he was having sex
with my best friend's mom.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Yeah. I was 15.

I just walked to the mall and watched

Empire Records by
myself, but the point is,

you're both acting ridiculous.

No, this is on you, Jake.

You need to make a choice.

That's not fair. You both want to go

and I don't want to hurt either of you.

But maybe I don't have to.

I can let fate hurt you.

We'll flip a coin.
Terry, call it in the air.

Heads or tails.

[GRUNTS] Neither.

Oh, my God.
Did you just fold my quarter in half?

Fate's a bitch. You make the choice.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Just so you know, I would
never bend your money.

Yeah, 'cause you can't.
Correct, I cannot.

No one can. How did he do that?

Now these fertility drugs
are making me sweat.

Is it noticeable? No.

Yes. Oh.
I thought we were gonna lie to her

because it's so upsetting to look at.

Just tell me what
room the memorial is in.

We don't have a lot of time to set up.

About that.
Yesterday, before you convinced me

to hold a respectful service,

I sent some instructions

for how I wanted the room to look.

We may need to make some tweaks.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

So many balloon arches.

I know. It all has to go.

Okay! Everyone, we have work to do.

[FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Better? Much.

But to be clear, the
first version was dope

and you have my respect for life.

Excuse me.
Is this the memorial for Madeline Wuntch?

Yes, this is the memorial
for Madeline Wuntch.

Just saying her name
brings tears to my eyes.

Why, because her heart
was made of onions?

Excuse me?
Madeline Wuntch was what you get

when you cross a slug
with an anal fissure.

We spent our entire lives
trying to destroy each other.

I was her one true nemesis.

No.

Hey there, Jake. I felt bad
about folding your quarter in half,

so I got you a new one.

Thank you. But that's not a quarter.

Wow, you're right.
That happens to be an 1883

Carson City silver dollar
in near-mint condition

complete with commemorative case.

[WHISTLES] That's gotta be worth $138.

You know what? Keep it.

Shame. Shame, Terrence Jeffords, shame!

You probably didn't realize this, Jake,

but the lieutenant over
here is trying to bribe you.

Yeah, I don't think he's hiding that.

I am not. Well, neither am I.

Here's a check for $200.

Another silver dollar.
Ooh, looks like I'm up to $276.

Well, here's a second check for $77.

I am up $1.

Four more.

How many silver dollars do you have?

As many as it takes.

Well, this checkbook is only on 304,

so I can write checks all day long.

Well, you know what? Here's my watch.

Yeah, melt this down.

Enough! I'm tired of being
stuck in the middle of this.

You figure out who gets
the tickets and tell me.

That should keep them
busy for a little while.

Hey, Jake, we've
decided how to settle this.

We're gonna duke it out in the ring.

What?

That man is lying.

I don't believe Wuntch had another rival.

I saw it in her eyes.
She only had hate for me.

Are you jealous? Of course I am.

I despised her with my entire being

while she was only despising me

with a fraction of hers?

Sir, you were doing so well, okay?

Don't let this rattle you.

Are you wearing sponges in your armpits?

If you have a better
way to soak up sweat,

I would like to hear it.

Where are you going?
To find out if there was

another man.

So, um, Adam is it? Mmm-hmm.

I only ask because Madeline
never mentioned you.

Interesting, 'cause she
mentioned you to me,

as a friend. Friend?

Mmm. I think you added
an "R" to the word "fiend."

No, I'm sure it was friend.

I mean, based on context alone,

I wouldn't say somebody
was one of my closest fiends.

Oh, you might.

We had a very contentious relationship.

She never forgave me for embarrassing her

in front of Derek Jeter.

Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod

and J. Lo together.

For 15 years I replaced
her anti-wrinkle cream

with sour cream.

I replaced her Lactaid
pills with Tic Tacs.

Dead moron was crapping
her pants for months.

HOLT: She hacked into my Netflix account

and watched The Lizzie McGuire Movie

on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

She made me guard that doctor

who came back to New York with Ebola.

Sir, maybe you want to keep it down.
There's people…

That witch ruined my life!

She demoted me from
captain to uniformed officer.

Eight years ago she had me
kicked off the force entirely.

You were not her greatest rival,

and the proof is right here.

Hello, Adam. I may be dying

but I burned down your cabin in Maine.

-You were my one true rival.
-[MOUTHING ALONG]

There you have it.

I meant nothing to her.

That cockroach Madeline
was two-timing me!

No sign of Holt anywhere.

I know that's important, but I
don't think I can just breeze past

the outfit, Sister Act.

I sweat through my clothes

and I found this in the
back of a closet, okay?

Deal with it. You look great.

Oh, there he is. Sir, over here.

Where were you? Why are you
holding the mean yelling speech?

Because I'm gonna yell it, meanly.

I wasted half my life
hating that duplicitous hag,

and she didn't even have the decency

to truly hate me back.

Well, screw her.

I'm gonna ruin her memorial.

No, you can't do that.
If you read that speech, you'll be fired.

You're right.

And that would ruin my career.

And it's worth it.

I'm giving the speech.

No, that's what Wuntch wanted.

You're letting her win.

DIAZ: Sweaty Amy's right.

If you really wanna get back at her,

you'll team up with Adam
and give her a nice funeral.

It's like The Durrells of Corfu

when Prudence and Louisa joined forces…

To sink the catamaran
of the bookseller Yorgos

who wronged them both. Yes!

I will team up with Adam.

Wow. [CHUCKLES] For a moment there,

I almost forgot who the real villain was.

The woman who recently died. Mmm.

Charles, why did you
let Terry choose boxing?

He didn't. I picked it.

But you'll die.

Don't worry about it.
Boxing's in my blood.

My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.

I'm sure she did but… And hear me out…

What if you're not as
strong as your Nana Boyle?

I can handle myself.

She taught me her signature
punch, the Strawberry Basket.

That does not reassure me.

Hey there, big guy. You sure you're
feeling okay about ending Charles's life?

Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.

Right, well, before you
commit manslaughter,

I do feel compelled to
tell you that the movie

only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

Jake, stop yapping and let them fight.

I wanna see the big guy
pop the little guy's head off.

Yeah, let's start the fight!

I wanna pop that little guy's head off!

You're clearly the little guy.

[LAUGHS] Good one, Jake. All right.

I guess this is happening.

Touch gloves.

Charles, it's been very
nice being your friend.

Terry, I'll visit you in prison. And…

-[BELL DINGING]
-Fight.

Strawberry basket!

[GROANS]

Whoo, yeah! You mess with Grandma,

you're gonna get the basket!

PERALTA: Charles, you
punched him in the nards.

Yeah, Nana fought nasty.

Now if you don't mind,
I'd like those tickets.

I didn't hear no bell!

[GROANS]

Jake, I think those tickets are mine.

Strawberry basket! [GROANS]

[COUGHING]

Guys, stop! It's a movie about cupcakes!

You don't understand!

You don't have kids!

Wow, that speech would have been amazing.

I had to look up what a toilet ghost was.

Uh, yes, I took a trip to Korea

just to research a new Wuntch insult.

In fact, it's been a motivation

for most of my international travel. Mmm.

So you guys are friends now?

Uh, yes, it seems we have
a great deal in common.

Well, one thing.

BOTH: Hating Wuntch.

[LAUGHING] I read him
the obituary I wrote for her,

but the Times wouldn't publish it.

It had too many obscenities.

And I read him my all caps speech.

And I loved it. It was like poetry.

"Madeline smelled like dog crap."

Raymond convinced me the
best way to get back at Wuntch

is to make sure he doesn't get fired.

Also I'm just gonna chisel
a penis onto her headstone.

-And I'm gonna watch.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Please take your seats.

Well, uh, time for me to go
make a tearjerker of a speech.

ADAM: Hey, I thought of the best hashtag

to post with my photo of the grave penis.

I'm not on board with that friendship.

Yeah, there's something
weird about that guy.

Hey, when did he say
he got kicked off the force?

Eight years ago. That doesn't add up.

He said Wuntch sent him
to guard the Ebola doctor.

Wasn't that six years ago? Yeah.

Oh, my God.
Wuntch sent him to destroy Holt.

Good afternoon. On this sad day,

I'd like to say a few words
about Commissioner Wuntch.

[MICROPHONE FEEDSBACK]

Madeline smelled like dog crap.

I'm sorry. I… I don't know what…

From a sick dog. [LAUGHING]

Adam, what are you doing?

I'm showing everyone your
true colors, Raymond Holt.

Enjoy the show, people!

Madeline Wuntch will
not soon be forgotten.

Trick or Treaters will dress
like her for generations.

Hey!

Diaz, delete all the videos.

Deleted. It's over.

Yeah, for you.
Everyone who's anyone in NYPD

just saw you for your true self.

Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew.

She sent me here to carry out

the final phase of her master plan,

and now it's all over.
Wait, why are you smiling?

Because, Adam, this
isn't the real memorial.

It's all a ruse.

What? Yeah, what?

I knew Wuntch had one
final trick up her sleeve.

I didn't know what it was,

so I had to be prepared for anything.

This whole thing was staged.

None of these people are real mourners.

They're not even in the NYPD.

You hired actors?

Worse.
They're members of local improv troupes,

and they did it for "the exposure."

This has been a blast,

but we have to go start a flash
mob at the Freedom Tower.

Oh, check out our YouTube channel.

No. Sit down.

I have to hand it to you, Adam.

You almost fooled me,
but no other man could

possibly have what Wuntch and I had.

We were star-crossed haters.

Whatever. I still inherit half
her estate just for trying this.

Cool. Who gets the other half
of every child's nightmares?

I love it, Rosa. Great work all day.

So how are you two feeling

after your little boxing match?

My head hurts.
I can't feel my strawberries.

I meant more emotionally
and less groinally,

but listen, ever since I
brought these tickets up,

you guys have made my
life absolutely miserable,

but that ends now,
because I've made a choice.

Cagney is sick.
We don't know how long she has.

We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Just stop, all right? Stop lying.
This is exactly the type of behavior

that has led me to decide
that I'm not taking either of you.

Seriously? Oh, man.

The kids are gonna be so disappointed.

No, they won't, because they're going.

That's right, I'm bringing
all three of them by myself

and you two don't get to go.

Your childish behavior
has led you to miss out

on the most exciting movie premiere event

in the state of New York this Saturday.

I hope you've learned your lesson.
Good day.

[SIGHS]

Wait. He's taking the kids for us?

It's just like getting a free babysitter.

This is incredible.
People without kids are so stupid.

They're gonna destroy him. Yeah.

So just to be clear,

this service is actually real, right?

Oh, yes.
I figured if I needed two fake memorials

to smoke out Wuntch's plan,

she deserved to win, but she didn't win.
I did.

Finally beat the old fishwife.

It's crazy.
After today you never have to think about

Madeline Wuntch again.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Sir, does that make you sad?

I don't know. [SIGHS]

I think maybe…

Yes?

Well, I think it's natural

to feel a little down about her death.

For the last 20 years,

your lives have been entangled.

Because of her ratty hair.

No, it's not the same.

Now it just feels like I'm
insulting a helpless dead person.

You are.
It's what you've been doing all week.

Yeah, it's been tight.

[EXHALES]

Well, it's time for my speech.

Sir, what are you gonna say?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll just be honest.

Did he say he was gonna be honest?

Yeah, this is gonna be bad.

As many of you know, Madeline and I

were bitter rivals,

but I've come to realize she
held a special place in my life.

No one challenged me like she did

or made me feel as alive.

Our relationship was
like an epic chess match.

And it's hard to believe that…

she'll never make another move.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Unless…

No, it's just a notification.

Cheddar's doggy toothpaste has shipped.

So she is gone,

and I wish she were not.

I will miss you, Madeline Wuntch.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
Wario, why are you like this?

Hey, so I don't know if you noticed,

but ever since I started
those hormone treatments…

I didn't notice anything.

You said that way too quick.

I mean, you did cry at
that one car commercial

and it wasn't even an emotional one.

It was about towing capacity.

Yeah. Well, I called the doctor

to see if that was a common side effect

and apparently, it isn't.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

Yeah. She did have one guess

as to what might be causing it.

And, um, she was right.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Ames…

Are we having a baby?

We're having a baby.

[CHUCKLES]

It happened!