All language subtitles for Life.At.The.Resort.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG_English

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

(upbeat rock music)

(car engine rumbling)

- [Radio DJ] It's
12:11 here at KHWD

and another beautiful day
here in the Hollywood Hills.

Breaking news from the
Hollywood rumor mill,

the Hollywood Resort
is up for sale.

This one-time luxury resort

has been host to the rich
and famous for decades,

but it's been on the
decline for some time.

Apparently buyers from
all over the globe

have shown interest.

We'll keep you in
the loop as this--

- [Chip] Yo, dog!

- Oh, there he is!

There you go.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

How you doing, Chippy?
- Good.

Nice wheels, boss man!

- It's actually a rental,
mine's in the shop, pal.

- No, I'm talking shoes, bro.

Kicks, you dig?

(playful music)

- (speaks foreign language)

(chuckles) Well, never mind.

There you go, Chip.

Wait a minute, actually I've
got a pair back at the house,

maybe I can bring them tomorrow

and you can have them as a
tip, what do you say, champ?

- Yeah, you the man, Mr. Harvey!

- (laughs) Car!
(tires screech)

- I told George that he
should give you a call.

No, you call George since
he doesn't have the brains

to call you and you guys
get this shit together.

Did I ask you to open the door?

Can't you see I'm on the phone?

- Sorry, Mr. Murray.
(car door slams)

- Idiots!

I can't get away from them.

(playful music)

(phone rings)

- (chuckles) Hello, everybody!

Morning.

Max, Jimmy.

(phone rings)
Afternoon, Dee Dee.

- Good morning, Mr. Harvey.

I mean, good afternoon.

- (chuckles) Best day ever.
(phone rings)

Dee Dee, do you hear that phone?

- Hollywood Resort,
how many I help you?

Uh-huh.

Okay, one moment, please,

I'll connect you
to the tennis shop.

- They expect me
to get them water.

- Oh, poor baby.

- I said to them, "Do I
look like a water boy?"

- (laughs) Look, I'm
sure they didn't actually

mean anything by it.

(Caleb groans)

- Take the bags up to the room,

and I'll meet you at
the veranda in a minute.

Now!

Do I have to say everything
twice in this universe?

(pencils clang in jar)

- Have you talked to him yet?

- (sighs) No.

I mean not since I told
him, but, you know,

I don't think I'm going to.

- He's an ass-wipe.

Hey, Miguel!

- What are you
doing, don't do that!

- Lots of other
puppies in the kennel.

Let me tell you, the only
reason I continue to drag

my well-toned behind
up in here every day

is the incessant
window-shopping opportunities.

It's like speed-dating,

only without the awkward
dating experience, yeah.

(both laugh)

- Yo, dog, what up?

- Yo, puppy, what up?

- [Allison] Hey, Chip.

What are you doing here?

- What's it look
like, foxy mama?

Coffee for a fellow employee
busting his ass for the man.

- One coffee of the day, then.

Small, right?

- Pssh, large, shawty.

Why you playing me like that?

H2O for your homie, bro?

Chill, dude, I feel you.

You're looking
sharp today, Caleb.

- Oh, thank you,
Chip. (chuckles)

- I gotta get back to my peeps.

- Okay.

- Maybe we can hang later.

- Puppy love is awkward, right?

- Caleb, please,
just not today, okay?

- Jeez, bite my head off!

- I'm sorry, honey, I don't
know what's wrong with me.

It's the hormones.

It's these damn hormones.

- Mmm, bit on the lean
side, but what the hell,

I'd do him, even if I
wasn't drunk. (chuckles)

- You would do any human male.

- That's cold.

- Yeah, well I have become
a cold-hearted woman.

(Caleb clears throat)

Hi, Mr. Warfield.

- You're looking well
this morning, my dear.

- Glowing.

(playful music)

- Thank you, Mr. Warfield.

Oh, I assume you want the usual.

- Please.

- Right.

(rummages around)

- I'll just go get it.

(light music)

- Order up.

Could use some clean plates.

- Will you chill out,
man, I just got here, bro.

Plus, you know cleaning goes
against my nature, don't you?

- Then why the hell did you
take up a job as a dishwasher?

- I don't know.

If I had known any better,

I would be securely ensconced
in my coffin right about now.

- Ensconced.

Yeah, right.

If I could only be so lucky.

So, where were you?

- Hot date last night.

She kicked me out.

Said she had to go
to work or some shit.

- Oh, I believe
you had work too.

- Yeah?

We were having fun.

- Yeah, you were.

- Oh, believe me, a good
time was being had by all.

- Well, there's two
sides to every story.

- What's up with you, man?

- I don't know.

(bag clatters)

Can you just do
something around here?

Order up!

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- [Caleb] Have a nice day!

(light tinkling at piano)

- Tell that to my
son at the piano.

He's the one with his
knickers in a knot

over the blind date
he's having today.

- [Caleb] Really?
- Really.

We're going on a double date

that my special lady
friend has set up.

- Very nice, sir.

- Actually I'm a little
embarrassed to say it.

It's a mother/daughter date.

Weird, but also a
little exciting.

Mother/daughter.

Father/son.

Who knows? (chuckles)

- Yes, very exciting.

- If you get a chance,
tell Craig not to worry.

I've taught him everything
he needs to know.

If you know what I mean.

- That's very special, sir.
(Thomas chuckles)

I ain't telling that
sad thing nothing.

You go tell him.

- George.

George, I--
- Hi, there.

May I help you?

- Right.

Right, which is...

Precisely, which is
why you work for me.

- Excuse me.

- Look, Gina and I are staying

at the Hollywood Resort this
weekend, if you hear anything.

Large coffee.

- Would you like it with--

- Ah!

Which is why it's becoming a
bear to listen to your bull!

Black and sweet.

- Mm, why thank you.
(Allison laughs)

- And bring it over
to the piano, huh?

- Yes.

- Incompetence!

God, I'm surrounded by it!
- Excuse me!

Caleb, do you want to bring it?

- Oh, I'll bring it.

(playful music)

- Do me a favor,
add the Peruvians,

the Vietnamese clan
most definitely.

And that Greek cat
called Limperopolis

from the Spartan
Academy, add him too.

(phone rings)
- Ooh!

Big double date day, woo hoo!

- Bob, Carol, Ted,
and Alice. (chuckles)

(clicks tongue)
Oh!

(phone rings)

(chuckles) Okay, so
where were we, Betty?

Please continue.

The Vietnamese, add them.

And that Limperopolis Greek
guy from the Spartan Academy,

add him as well,
correct the spelling.

And do me a favor, read that
back to me, please, Betty.

(playful music)

(light piano music)

(upbeat music)

- (giggles) I can't stand
on my head that long.

Look, I've got to
go, I'm at work.

Love you, bye-bye.

Tennis shop, please hold.

- [Betty] Have you heard?

- Oh, yeah.

- You know?

- Yeah, yeah, they're planning
on selling the resort.

It's yesterday's news.

- They're selling the hotel?

- Yes, and I'm telling you this.

The entire staff is ready
to just walk right out.

So am I.

To some Russian company,
as I understand it.

They expect us to learn Rusky?

- No, this is not about that.

- No?

- Nope.

- Do tell.

- Well, I think that Todd--

(playful music)

- Hi.

- I think that Todd
is up to something.

- Todd Harvey?

- Mm-hm.

- Todd "Everything's All
Right with the World" Harvey?

- Uh-huh.

- (chuckles) Please
continue holding.

- Something's off,
it's almost palpable.

- Whoa, back the truck up a bit.

What's off?

- Did you see
Todd's shoes today?

- (chuckles) When
I look at Todd,

I'm not looking at his feet.

His hands, maybe.

- They're odd.

- You're odd.

- No, Todd is wearing
odd shoes today.

- Odd shoes?

- Yes, one brown, one black.

- Okay, riddle me this.

Boxers or briefs?

- What?

- Do you know if he
wears boxers or briefs?

Or maybe a thong!

- Oh, stop, this is serious!

- So the man is fashionably
challenged, big whoop!

- Well that's just it, he's
not, he never has been.

- Oh, you're right,
he is always fine.

- I'll bet it's his wife.

- Oh, that gold digger.

- Oh yeah, she is up to
something, I can feel it.

- Maybe it's Todd
who's done something.

- Todd?

- Why not?

- No, no, no, no, no,
he wouldn't do that,

I refuse to believe that.

- He is a man, isn't he?

- Well, he does have a nice ass.

(seductive saxophone flourish)

- [Caleb] Oh, where'd
you disappear to?

- Oh, with my schedule,

I don't get the joy
of morning sickness.

I get the pleasure of
afternoon sickness.

- Oh, poor thing.

Well, instead of
wallowing in self-pity,

how about we evaluate all
the fine eligible man meat

who parade within
our radar, hmm?

- (chuckles) No, that's not
really my style, you know that.

And I haven't given
up on Miguel yet.

- Oh, please, get over him!

And get over yourself too!

Flirt!

Shoot.

Tap into your inner slut.

You know it's there if
you just dig deep enough.

In fact, why don't we
go work on it right now?

- No, him, he's taken.

- (scoffs) I'm not talking
about a big, long relationship.

I'm talking about a big, long--

- No one wants a
chick that's preggers.

- It could be his
little surprise.

Go!

Or do I have to do
him again myself?

- Oh, my God, again?

- Again?

What?

- Hey, Parker.

Where's Samanya?

- She's around, somewhere.

- Cool, you guys
good, you're good?

- Sure.

- Have you heard from
your pimp lately?

- Huh?

- Your agent.

- Oh, no, not yet, man,
but any day now, any day.

- Right, me too.

I can't wait to blow this dump.

- Yeah.

Blowing this sounds
pretty good, right?

Oh well, back to work.

- Girl!

(playful music)

- Have you heard the latest?
- Who hasn't?

- You mean you've
already heard about the--

- The hotel being
sold, of course.

I have inside sources.

- No, not about the hotel.

- Why would anyone
in their right mind

sell an American hotel to an
Indian outfit, of all places?

It makes no sense,
no sense at all.

I mean we are, after
all, a cowboy hotel.

- Nadya, it's not
about the hotel.

- No?

- No.

- What then?

- Well, you didn't
hear it from me.

- You have to ask?

I was KGB.

(mischievous music)

So?

- Todd Harvey's
having an affair!

- Get out!
- (giggles) Yes!

- No.

Not Todd "Never Miss a
Mass on Sunday" Harvey!

- (giggles) The
one and the same!

- I cannot believe it.

- Believe it!

- With who?

- Probably one of those
sluts in housekeeping.

You know how they're
always flirting with him,

trying to corrupt him?

- Yes, one of those
brothel whores.

- Maybe they succeeded.

- Impossible.

- Why not, he is a man.

- It would not be
true of my Todd,

and I refuse to believe it.

And you, you should not go
around spreading vicious rumors!

Nyet!

- And you can kiss my
big American A-S-S.

Nyet!

(overlapping chatter)

(light swinging music)

- So, is it true?

- Is what true?

- Answer me, damn it!

- What, I don't...

What brought this
on all of a sudden?

When I left to wait on
table two you were fine.

- Please, Parker, no more games.

It's imperative that I know.

- Know?

What?

Why?

- Because it is--

- Don't tell me, life or death?

- Yes.

- Screw that, everything's
life or death with you, Sam!

- Parker.

- (sighs) Fine, it's true.

- No!

(Samanya cries)
(Parker sighs)

(Samanya laughs)

So what'd you think?

- What?

Think?

- Please tell me I
was convincing enough.

- Convincing?

- I'm gonna nail this part
if it's the last thing I do.

- Part?

- Hello?

The audition tomorrow.

When is the last
time a man listened?

(light music)

- Joe.

- Nadya.

- Are you going up?

- Yes.

- I see.

- Okay, it's only for
non-paying student film,

but it's for the lead
and I'm perfect for it.

I mean, even Nichelle Nichols
had to start somewhere.

- So, this was your audition?

You're brilliant, as always.

So who's Nichelle Nichols?

- Uhura on "Star Trek,"
the first on-screen kiss

between a black
woman and a white man

on American television.

Don't you know anything about
why we can be together today?

- Cool, so I'm
like Captain Kirk.

(mischievous music)

- You hear that some Chinese
outfit is buying the hotel?

You believe that shit?

- Todd Harvey is
having an affair.

- What?

- You did not hear it from me.

- Todd "Curse and
Burn in Hell" Harvey?

- Da.

- No way.

- Yes.

Way.

(seductive saxophone flourish)

(elevator stops)

- By the way, where were
you all morning anyway?

- When, this morning?

- Parker, answer me.

I called your cell and nothing!

- Well, then battery
must've died.

- How's that even
remotely possible?

You charge it every
goddamn night.

Tinkle, teeth, phone.

- Then I must've been in
a tunnel when you called.

- All morning?

Must have been a
very long tunnel.

- Then it must've
been the battery.

Maybe it didn't make
the proper contact,

you know, when I
was charging it.

- What?

- Modern technology.

We're dependent on it,

but yet it's the bane
of our existence.

- Damn it, Parker!

Not this.

Not before a major audition.

I can't be stressed out!

(exhales sharply)

- (laughs) Gotcha!

- What? (chuckles)

- Hey, you're not the only
one blessed with talent

in this relationship!

I'm not destined to be an
extra forever, you know?

- (laughs) God,
that was brilliant!

- [Parker] Oh, you're
gonna do great!

- Really?

- Absolutely!

Trust me.

(playful music)

- Someone from work?

- We think it's one
of the brothel whores
from housekeeping.

- We?

- Look, at this point,
it's only speculation.

So keep it to yourself for now.

- Absolutely.

- I'll be watching.

- Goes without saying.

(playful music)

(upbeat music)

- Christ, George, an
eight-year-old child

with a sp-p-p-eech impediment

could close this friggin' deal!

(overlapping chatter)

(spits) God!

No!

Oh!

Morons, I'm surrounded by 'em!

(both chuckle)

- [Samanya] Okay, you
know how when we're--

- When we're what?
(low bright music)

- Well, busy.

- [Parker] Busy?

- [Samanya] You know, in there?

- Oh, you mean in the bedroom?

- Right.

- When we're...

So, what about it?

- Do you mean it or is
it more the situation?

- Situation?

- Yeah, are you merely
caught up in the moment

or do you really--
(inhales sharply)

- Really what?

Now you're driving me insane.

- Do you love me, Parker?

- [Parker] Love you?

- Yes!

Do you really love me or is it

merely another
bravura performance?

Because if it is you're
totally convincing. (sobs)

- Convincing?

- How was that?

Did I portray needy with the
right amount of conviction?

- Needy?

- For the audition!

Earth to Parker!

What the hell is
up with you today?

- Again with the audition?

- I need to give
them this druggy

who's totally
dependent and insecure.

What'd you think?

- Oh, yeah!

I mean, you certainly
had me fooled.

- You mean that?

- Uh, yeah.

- Truly, madly, deeply?

- [Parker] All that.

- Oh, you're so sweet!

(gently bright music)

- [Miguel] About time.

- What is up your ass, dude?

- [Miguel] Nothing.

- Come on, we both
know that's not true.

- It's the whole game, bro,

this whole meat
market mentality.

- You know, I'm sorry.

It is way too early in the
day to wax philosophical.

- Loud bars, inane
conversations,
feigning interests.

I mean is this how
you want to spend

the rest of your life, bro?
- Yeah.

It's worked for me so far,

and I believe that quantity is
quality, so give me a break.

- Quantity?

Quality?

These women, what do you
even know about any of them?

- Plenty.

- [Miguel] Like what?
- Enough!

- Like what?

- Like their names.

Usually.

- Right.

- Hey, I get to know them in
the biblical sense, don't I?

- Well, aren't you at
least curious, bro?

I mean, don't you want to
explore a little deeper?

- Oh, I explore pretty
deep, let me tell you.

(playful music)

(water splashes)

- Hey, Peter, you got a minute?

- Pretty soon I will
have more than a minute.

Those scaredy-cat
Armenian bastards

will shit all over themselves

when I go kung fu on their ass!

Yah!

They won't know what
to do with this hotel.

- Armenians?

- The sale, man,
where you been hiding?

- Ah, forget about that for now.

Todd Harvey is schtupping
one of the maids.

- Hell no!

- [Joe] Hell yes!

- Todd "Straight as
an Arrow" Harvey?"

- [Joe] The one and the same.

- That's impossible, man!

(voice breaks) It can't be!

(overlapping chatter)

- Why you so upset?

- (sobs) Because the world is
coming to an end, that's why.

And I haven't gone
to Disneyland yet.

I kept on postponing and
postponing and postponing!

Ah!

- [Joe] Ah!
(both laugh)

- Boom, boom,
boom, fuck me, huh?

Todd Harvey, huh?

With one of those
brothel whores?

- Why is that so
hard to believe?

- (sighs) I believe it, man.

I was once a recipient of
many of an eagle eye myself.

As you can see, I
have a huge package.

Those bitches are ruthless, man.

Look at them.

Those carts full of
towels and lotion.

(inhales sharply)

- Yeah, you and me both, pal.

They've changed many a
sheet on my account, too.

- Ai-yi-yi.

- Ai-yi-yi.

- Muy vierno.

- [Joe] Si.

Vierno?

(playful music)

- The usual, right, Donnie?

- Nah, I'm on duty.

- Oh, I'll hold it for you.

- Oh, okay.

Lots of--
- Cream?

Got it.

Loads of cream.

Thick.

- Oh, that sounds good.

- [Allison] Hey, Donnie,
who's the little fellow

over there with Dee Dee?

- I don't know.

Customer?

- Ah, never mind.

- Maybe it's the new boyfriend.

- I hope not!

- You hope?

Listen, life's all about
certainties, right?

- I guess.

- I mean you're either
a bitch-loving hetero

or you're on the opposing squad.

Relax, I'm just messing
with you, slow day.

- Oh, good.

- Unless of course
you're a switch hitter.

You're not a switch
hitter, are you, Donnie?

- No, I just bat right.

- Ooh, I bet you do!

- Donnie, I think that Dee Dee

needs to talk to you over there.

- Oh, good.

I'll see ya.

- [Caleb] See ya.

(mischievous music)

(bubble pops)

- Whatcha doin'?

- No, uh-uh.

- No?

- No subject change.

- Subject?

- Not today.

- What's the subject?

- Our discussion.

- [Donnie] We were
discussing something?

- You know.

- What do I know?

- You're the
brains, you tell me.

- Okay.

Let me think.

(chuckles)

I got nothing.

- Makes no never mind.

It's not required
that you get it.

Get it?

- No, I'm lost.

- I know.

(spits)

- Look, is there something
you want me to say?

- If I have to tell ya--
- Jeez!

- Nice try, Donnie.

- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
(phone rings)

- Nuh-uh, no blasphemy!
- [Donnie] No blasphemy?

- You burn in hell
for that shit.

Not you, sir.

Okay, yes, I'll transfer you.

- Why don't you just
tell me what you want?

- Shouldn't have to.
- Shouldn't have to?

- Nuh-uh.
- Why not?

- You're the
brains, you tell me.

- Enough with the
brains shit already.

(phone rings)
- Hollywood Resort.

Yes, I'll connect
you to the pro shop.

(bird screeches)
(phone rings)

- Golf Pro Shop, please hold.

(mischievous music)

It doesn't surprise me.

Oh, no, not in the least.

First we're sold
to the Mexicans,

and now Todd Harvey?

- Mexicans?

- What is this world coming to?

I'll have you know he even
made a pass at me, too.

Oh yeah.

On more than one
occasion I might add.

Uh-huh.

I kid you not.

(phone rings)

May I help you?

Of course I have balls.

(chuckles)

- These guys have cajones.

But I say, Todd, man, I
don't swing that way, man,

so find yourself another bitch.

That's right.

And I also told
him, I said, I said,

why don't you hook up with
those Nigerian culeros

that you're so keen
on selling us to?

- Nigerians?

- Oh, and I never fell for
one of their scams, never!

Anybody say so, they're
a freaking liar.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Orgies?

Todd Harvey?

(scoffs) That guy don't
even know how to masturbate!

(chuckles) I can
see that, though.

You know, it's always
the quiet ones.

If they're not out rounding
up children or toting an AK-47

they're info some
other weird shit.

Yeah, it makes sense now,

since he's the one
who is spearheading

the sale of the resort
to some French outfit.

- (scoffs) French?

- Ah those French douche
bags, wine, women, song,

not necessarily in that order.

It's their country motto,
my friend, that's right.

And did you know they're
into a foot fetish?

- Ew!

- Todd Harvey. (scoffs)

(playful music)

- Okay, okay.

Is it, is--
- Too late.

It doesn't matter now.

- (scoffs) Typical,
just like a broad.

- What's that mean?

- What?

- [Dee Dee] What you just said.

- What'd I say?
- "Like a broad."

What's that mean?

- I don't know.

You're the dumb
shit, you tell me.

- Name calling?

Nice.

- (scoffs) You started it.

You called me names first.

- I called you the brains,
not exactly name calling.

- Well, it was implied.

- "Implied?"

"Implied," nice word.

See, the brains, so
it's not name calling.

- (laughs) You said "snot!"

- Shh, keep your voice down.

- [Donnie] What for?

- You'll wake the kid.

- Kid?
- [Dee Dee] Uh-huh.

- Who's kid?

- Ours.

- We don't--

- No, no, no, no.

I don't.

- You did--

(light accordion music)

(spits)

- Todd Harvey,
he's into S&M, huh?

But of course
everyone knows that.

When I heard he was selling
us to those limey bastards--

- Limey?

- I knew something was
not right with him.

I heard he likes to be tied up

and whipped by
the brothel whores

while they dress up
as the Queen Mother.

- Queen Mother.

- I like my women, too.

But one at a time

with wine and music.

- [Margie] Ha!
- Shh!

- What?

- Dee Dee?

- Shh!

Donnie, Jr.'s a light sleeper.

- Donnie, Jr.?
- Uh-huh.

- Donnie, Jr.

- Looks just like ya.

- (chuckles) How about that?

- Spittin' image.
- Looks just like me.

- It's one ugly kid.

- Nice!

So, where'd you get
that kid anyway?

- Relax, it's Josie's.

- Josie?
- My sister.

- Who?

- You know, Josie,
my estranged sibling,

black sheep of the family,
recently reacquainted?

- Recently?

- This morning.
- Oh.

That is recent.

I know your sister?

- You ought to.

(playful music)
(Donnie sighs)

(bright saxophone music)
(Parker and Samanya giggling)

- Yo, hey, Parker.
- [Samanya] Travis.

- Hey, don't you
have an audition?

- Yeah, like in 15 minutes,
but I need my jacket.

- [Parker] Your what?
(low bright music)

- The straight jacket you
borrowed from last week.

- Jacket?

- Hello?

The one you borrowed for
America's Funniest Psych Wards.

- Oh, that jacket.

I'll go check my locker.
(Travis snaps fingers)

- Have a nice day.

(gentle swinging music)

Oh, busting his moves
for your benefit?

- Yeah, that is one ride
I wish I had never taken.

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God!

- You and him?
- No, no!

No, no, don't say that out loud!

No, he just gave me a ride home.

That's it.

Okay, look, so my
car wouldn't start

and he had some Ferrari
that the valet...

He sees hope where
there is none.

(scattered chatter)

- Did you and Chef Boyardee
have a written contract

when he baked that
bun in your oven?

- (sighs) Well, we were dating
for at least like a year.

- Yeah?

And I've had a non-exclusive
relationship with a boy band

that lasted longer than that.

Listen, it's time to swallow
the reality pill, hon.

You have to accept the fact

that the flowers
for the relationship
funeral have arrived.

Hm?

(playful music)

- Oh my Lord, kiddie porn?

You know I always had a bad
feeling about that Todd.

Just last year I thought he
paid an awful lot of attention

to my granddaughter at
the Christmas party.

Thought he was just being nice.

I should've known.

You know, men, oh,
not you, of course!

And now he wants to
bring in those Italians!

- Italians, hm.

- My mother told me
about those Romans.

You know the Romans did
it with little boys,

did you know that?

Yeah, buggered them up
the pooper they did.

Oh, it's in their
Itie genes, you know,

you don't just get rid of
urges that like that, no sir,

once it's in your genes!

(playful music)

- [Paul] George, I told you
25 times that you have to--

- Paul!

- Gotta go.

Wife.

- Thank you.

(birds chirp)

- Shrimp's good.

- The appetizer or the entree?

- Shrimp cocktail.

- How appropriate.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

So, do I read the menu
from the right as usual?

- (sighs) Gina.

- I'm just saying.

We all know what a penny
pincher you can be.

- Gina, please.

I said--
- Yes?

- I said I was sorry.

- Hm.

A familiar refrain
when first encountered.

Haunting, melancholy,
with a tinge of sincerity,

but completely unconvincing
when played once too often.

(scattered chatter)

- Gina, please.

- Hi, I'm, like, Jenny, right,

and I'll be, like,
your server tonight.

(playful music)

- So, Allen, because
I was such a sloth,

I couldn't even get myself
up to change the light bulb.

Now I'm forced to deal with
this for the rest of the day.

Huh? (chuckles)

You see that, right?
- Oh, I see that, sir.

I see it.

- It's true what they say,
devil's in the details, Allen,

you hear me?
(phone rings in background)

- Yeah, the devil
is in the details.

- That's right.

And your details, my
friend, very good.

Took a look at the report for
the prospectus for the buyers

and what's the word
I'm looking for, it's--

- Comprehensive?

- Comprehensive,
Allen, well done.

Actually, Allen, let me
share something with you.

I believe in giving credit
where credit is due,

and you can be assured

that Mr. Warfield will be
apprised of your input.

- Thank you, sir.
- [Todd] Thank you, Allen.

- Start you off with
something to drink?

- Just water for me, thanks.

- Yeah, and I'll have--
- Still or sparkling?

- I beg your pardon?

- Would you like, like, your
water still or like, sparkling?

- Still.

- And I'll have--
- Glass or bottle?

- What was that?

- Some people prefer swill their
water from an elegant glass

while others swig it
straight from the bottle.

People and their
quirks, go figure.

- Glass, naturally.

- Oh, and ice, plenty of ice.

Gina likes ice.

- Paul, I am perfectly capable
of ordering for myself,

thank you very much.

I'll have some ice as well.

- And could I please have a--
- [Jenny] Crushed or cubed?

- Cubed.

- Oh, and lemon.

Gina likes lemon in her water.

- Paul, what's next?

Are you going to be cutting
my food for me as well?

(scattered chatter)

I'll have some lemon as well.

That's a good girl.

- And could I please have a--
- In or out?

- In.

On second thought, out.

- What?

- The lemon, out of
the glass, on a plate,

a saucer, not a side plate.

- Naturally.

- And could I please
have a vodka mar--

(playful music)

(sighs)

- So, I was wondering if,
(phone rings)

if you managed to--

- Spit it out, Allen.

- Well, I was wondering if
you made a decision yet?

- No, not yet.

- Not yet, I thought
we had a solid offer.

- Oh, Allen, you know
what Thor did, right,

he thought he farted,
but shit his pants.

- What?
- What?

I'll explain to you.

Okay, listen to this.

Even if we were to sell the
company and make a little cash,

it just doesn't sit right
with me that our staff

would be at the mercy of
these foreign companies.

Just doesn't sit right, Allen.

- No.

- Plus I think it
would be criminal

if we were to get our
staff laid off just to be

accommodating these corporate
foreign cronies, okay?

Our staff have worked
long and hard, Allen.

- Yeah, long.

- [Both] And hard.

- I propose stock options.

You with me?

Stock options.
- Oh, yeah.

- For all of our staff.

We sell this place,
everybody gets rich.

That's what they need, loyalty.

- Loyalty, yeah.

- Allen?
- Yeah?

- Loyalty.

- (exhales sharply) Loyalty.

- Ah, Harvey.

- Hey, hey, hey, just
going over the prospectus.

- You're fired.
(curious music)

- Excuse me?

- Ooh!

Security!

- Security?

No need for that, Thomas.

Oh!

(laughs) Mr. Warfield.

Tess, stay away.

Thomas, we go back a long time.

Let me explain a few things.

Don't hurt me. (groans)

- Pervert!

- How do those shorts feel?

- Not too good.
- Shut it!

- Nadya!

Allen!

What is going on?

- My Todd.

Dosvedanya, Todd!

Dosvedanya!
- Penny!

Penny, what did I do? (laughs)

(groans)

Allen!

(light playful music)

- [Allen] Still got the
stock options deal, right?

(Todd groans)
- I loved you!

- I love you, too!

(birds chirp)

- How much?

(Todd exhales sharply)

- Oh! (slams door)

(Todd groans)

- Does he suspect?
- Parker?

No, I--

- Ooh, excellent,
that means you and me,

we still got it, baby, ooh!

- Look Travis,
that was a mistake.

- A mistake?

"This is the most memorable
moment of my life," you cried.

- [Parker] What was?

- Huh?

What was what?

- The most memorable moment.

- Travis, you idiot.

- [Parker] What the
hell's going on here?

- Travis is an idiot.

That's what.

- Travis?

- You forgot "single," damn it.

- I did?
- Yes.

The line is,

"It was the single most
memorable moment of my life."

- (snaps fingers)
Yeah, that's right!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

- [Parker] So this was--

- You know those writers hate

when you change any
of their dialog.

You better shape up, mister,

or you're dead before
you even start.

- Yeah, great, thanks, thanks.

Where's my jacket?

- Oh, I just remembered,

Sam said she returned
it over the weekend.

- I did?

- Yeah, when I was gone,
when I was out of town,

you said you returned it.

- Oh!

(bright mischievous music)

(both moaning and grunting)

- This is the most
memorable moment of my life!

- Yeah, that's right!

Don't you forget that!

Don't you forget that!

Don't you forget that!

(both screaming)

- Oh, right, I did.

Yes, I did.

- Of course she did.

How can I be so stupid?

(scoffs) You know, hmm.

Okay, so, Parker, do you
mind covering the bar for me?

I appreciate it.

Wish me luck.

- Yeah.
- Good Luck.

- Break a leg.

So, remind me, why'd you
and Travis split up again?

(light piccolo music)

(playful music)

- Come on, Dee Dee!

You're messing with me, right?

- I am?

- Yeah.

You know, my brains--

- Too small for it?
- Yeah.

- (chuckles) Okay.

- Okay what?

- I am.
- Am what?

- Messing with ya.
- You are?

- (sighs) Okay, your ex-wife.

- Oh, god!

Is she here?

- No!
- Oh, good!

- Donnie.
- What?

- Focus.
- Okay.

- Now, your ex-wife--

- [Donnie] Yeah.

- The one you never talk about.

- Okay, now, I'm
with you so far.

- What's her name?

- Joey.

Jo, I called her Jo.
(phone rings)

- Jo?
- Yeah.

- What's it short for?

- What?

- Jo, what's it short for?

- I don't know.

Wait.

Yeah.

(chuckles) Jo.

- Ugh, like I said, the brains.

- What, her name is Jo!

- Fine, I get that.

- Good.

- It's short for Josie.

- It is?
- Uh-huh.

- Whoa, just like your sister!

- Oh, I'm expecting
two lady guests.

When they arrive, just
send them to my bungalow.

- Yes, sir.

- Hi, Mr. Warfield.

(Thomas sighs)

(tinkling at piano)

(scattered chatter)

- Craig?

Craig!

(piano playing stops)

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

You know, our dates should
be arriving at any moment.

- Dad, I just don't
think it's a good idea.

- We've already
discussed this, Craig.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

I've had a very hard day.

I had to fire Todd Harvey.
- Fire Todd?

Everybody loves Todd!

(playful music)

- Exactly.

- And?
- And what?

- Therefore, Josie?

- Oh, right, Josie.

Whoa, what are the odds?

- [Dee Dee] Odds?

- Yeah.

My ex and your sister.

- [Both] Having the same name?

- Ooh!

- What's the matter?

- I think she's
trying to kick ya.

- Huh?

- Donnie!
- What?

- Jo, Josie.

Donnie, Jr.

- Oh, my god!
- Exactly!

- This is freakin' amazing!

- It is?

- What are the odds?

- That my sister would
name her kid Donnie?

- Exactly!

We should play the ponies.

We really should!

- Fine, Donnie, go
play the ponies.

- This is a freak of nature!

- Yes, you are.

- How often does this
happen in one lifetime, huh?

- Once is enough for me.

- Where are the sports pages?

Gotta strike while, while--

- The iron's hot?

- Exactly!

I'm telling ya,
freakin' amazing!

(rustling)

(whimpering)

- Just strikes me as
rather bizarre is all.

- [Samanya] What
strikes you as bizarre?

- Well, you and Travis.

One day you're all over each
other like glaze on a donut,

and the next day,
sushi and spam.

- Oh, no, you don't.

I'm on to you, mister.

- You are?

- You are rehearsing
again, aren't you?

I knew it!

Not bad.

Maybe if you would
squint a little.

(scattered chatter)

(playful music)

- Same to you, sir! (laughs)

- Thomas Warfield, please.

We're here on a double
date with him and his son.

- Too much information, Mom.

- Yes, he's expecting you,
just follow that hallway

out to Mr. Warfield's
private bungalow.

- (chuckles) I think you
mean fungalow, hm? (chuckles)

(playful music)

(phone rings)

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

It's very simple, just
do what I showed you.

- But what if I just--

- For Christ's sake,
Craig, you're 25 years old,

it's time for you to
grow up and be a man,

for crying out loud!

(doorbell rings)

- But.

(lid clatters)

- Pour.

(playful music)

(liquid pours)

Well, come right this way
and make yourself at home.

(laughs) No, let,
let, let, let them,

let them sit first,
Craig. (laughs)

Why don't you? (laughs)

(sighs) Yes.

- Uh, here you go, I
hope it's to your taste.

- Is it strong?

- Very.

- Then I'll love it.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you, that's
very sweet of you.

It's Craig, right?

(playful music)

- Oh, no, no, don't,
no, no, no. (chuckles)

- This is lovely, Thomas.

- Well, it pales in
comparison to you, my dear.

- (laughs) Isn't
he the smooth one?

- Oh. (chuckles)

- Oh, Mother, get a grip.

- You know, at first
I was a bit hesitant

about this whole
double date thing,

especially it being a blind one.

We've all heard
the horror stories.

- [Elaine] And now?

- Now?
- You're still hesitant.

- Quite the
contrary, I'm elated!

- Well, truth be told,
Ruby was very hesitant.

- Mother!

- Well, Craig's overjoyed.

Right, son?

(playful music)
- Good, I'm glad.

He's very shy, isn't he?

- Yeah.

- [Paul] What does that mean?

- (sighs) Uncouth
people annoy me.

- Uncouth?

That's like Richard Simmons
calling Boy George fruity.

- Oh, no, no, no, mister,

you're not weaseling
your way out of this one.

I sincerely doubt you
arranged this assignation

merely as a forum to berate me.

- Hm.

"Assignation."

"Berate."

Whatever happened to all
those colorful adjectives

you used to spout out
when we first met?

Most of them beginning
with F, if memory serves.

(scattered chatter)
(light bright music)

- So, Craig, what kind of
music are you down with?

- Excuse me?

- Forgive my mom, Craig, a
feeble attempt at being hip.

She wants to know what
kind of music you like.

- Oh--

- Craig has no
clue what he likes.

- No, I'm really into
composers right now.

- His taste is all over the
map, like his piano playing.

- Danny Elfman, Thomas
Corkran, gorgeous.

Trevor Rabin from Yes.

- Who?

- I myself was into
Kanye West for a while.

- Ennio Morricone,
he's my favorite.

- Until the VMAs.
[Craig] Absolute favorite.

- Eclectic, I
think they call it.

- "For a Few Dollars
More" with Clint Eastwood.

- That's the trouble
with your generation.

- Our generation?
- What?

- You shouldn't confuse
our generation--

- Your generation.
- Here we go.

- You guys have
no original music.

- There it is.

- Oh, come on, that's not true.

- Yes, that is absolutely
100% true, young lady.

- No way!
- Yes way!

You guys sample everything

from Duke Ellington
to the disco classics.

- Disco classics?

(laughs) Disco?

- Original music, Ennio--

- Bell bottoms,
big hair, and silk?

- He is one of the
most prolific composers

of all time.
- Don't tell me

you want to go back to that.

- I mean not even to mention
the spaghetti westerns.

If you take them for example--
- Now our generation,

we are still, how
would you kids say,

we're still representing.

- Representing.

- I agree.

Take the Stones, for example.

They're still very
much alive today.

- Is that the fossil
with the huge lips?

- Mick Jagger, he's really hot.

- (scoffs) He's really ugly.

- "The Good, the
Bad, and the Ugly,"

that is one of Ennio's
best-known pieces.

- I don't think he was
writing about the Stones.

And Keith Richards, oh, I had
me a major crush on Keith.

The man is so--

- Wait, did you just say
you had a major crush

on Keith Richards?

The one who looks like an
extra from "Shawn of the Dead?"

- I was young and I was carefree

and he wasn't so bad-looking
in those days. (chuckles)

I must've seen the Stones
at least like 100 times.

- Oh, my god!

You were a groupie?

- Where do you think I came
up with your name, Ruby?

I just wish our last
name was Tuesday.

God knows I looked
for a Mr. Tuesday.

- Ah, free love, high hopes.

High aspirations.

- (chuckles) How
about just plain high?

(Thomas and Elaine laugh)

- How about "High
Plains Drifter,"

one of the best
westerns of all time,

except Ennio didn't do that one.

- And just how old were you

when you were doling
out all this free love?

- Hm.

Ah, 12, 13 maybe.

- What?

- He did the music for
"La Cage aux Folles,"

but most people don't--
- Oh, that's right.

People today don't regard
a blow job as sex, do they?

So I was probably 14.

- 14, blow...

Oh, my god, kill me now, please.

(playful music)

- Nice try, slick.

I wasn't born
yesterday, you know?

- [Paul] Clearly.

- Meaning what, exactly?

- Nothing.

- Then what, pray
tell, is the purpose

of this in-town vacation?

Because I haven't
seen you for days.

Big deal at the office, you
say, then boom, here we are.

If you ask me, it's a guilty
conscience, that's what it is.

All that time spent with
those scantily clad pool girls

just throwing themselves at you,

it's absolutely disgusting.
- Our anniversary.

(birds chirp)

- What?

- It's our anniversary.

- Our anniversary?

- I thought I'd bring
you back to the place

where we first met.

Clearly not as momentous
an occasion for you

as it is for me.

- I'm sorry, I need to--
(silverware clangs)

- (exhales deeply) Just
what the doctor ordered.

(funky music)
- You're not objecting

to your mother being a
warm-blooded woman, are you?

- No, no, of course not.

- Ennio's anthology, "Morricone
in Love" on the other hand--

- With an occasional itch
that needs scratching.

(both laugh)
- [Ruby] Mother, please.

- You kids.

Parents need a good, old rooting

once in a while too, you know?

- Rooting?

- He did the original
music for "Love Potion #9"

with Sandra Bullock--
- If we didn't,

you wouldn't be here right now

enjoying this
enlightening conversation.

- It's not one of
his better works.

- Parents should never
discuss their love lives

with their kids.

That is just too, too--

- Inappropriate.
- Thank you.

- I'll have you know that
people are sexually active

way into their senior years.

- Ew, Mom!

Another crude, unusual visual.

- But the whistling, I mean my
god, it's both haunting yet--

- That's easily verifiable.

- How?

- Two words.
- [Ruby] Two words?

- Edible Depends.

(Thomas and Elaine laugh)

(Craig whistling "The Good,
the Bad, and the Ugly")

(dark dramatic music)

- Samanya, listen.

You know I love you, right?

- I suppose.

I mean, of course I do.

- You're my whole world.

You're the first thing I
think of in the morning

and my last vision before I
surrender to sleep at night.

- That's sweet.

- I mean it.

- Wait.

Isn't that a line
from a screenplay?

- Screenplay?

- Yeah, the one
you've been working on

for the past two years.

- Oh, right, it is.

But you inspired it.

- Even though we've been
dating only for two months?

- Especially.

Because of it.

- I see, then ditto for me.

- [Parker] Ditto what?

- The line about the
whole world thing.

- [Parker] You mean that?

- Absolutely.

I love you, Parker.

First thing in the morning and
then during my last surrender

at night before going to sleep.

- Close.

- [Samanya] More
than life itself.

- Truly, madly, deeply?

- (chuckles) Yes, all that.

- Then life's perfect, isn't it?

- Yes.

Yes, it is.

(gentle bright music)

- [Caleb] Mm-hm. (chuckles)

- We have dinner
reservations in 15 minutes.

- That sounds perfect!

We should give you love
birds a moment alone.

- [Thomas] Oh, that's
a wonderful idea!

- So, we'll meet you
in the lobby then.

Come on, sexy, shall we?

(mischievous music)

You got some of that
spaghetti western music

we can listen to later?

- Even better, I
have the sheet music

for Ennio's entire collection,
including some obscure,

rarely heard classics
at the piano bench.

- [Elaine] Oh, fabulous!

You know, I have quite an
album collection myself.

You should come over and
check it out some time.

- [Craig] Album?

- [Elaine] Stick with
me, kid. (chuckles)

I'll expand your horizons.

I love your beard.

- Your mother seems nice.

- For a slut.

- Oh, come on.

Don't be so hard on her.

She's a positive influence
on Craig, you'll see.

- You don't think
she's too old for him?

- You don't consider that
I'm too old for you, do you?

- That's different.

- They'll be fine.

Craig's in capable hands.

- That's what scares me.

It's like she's this
whole other person.

- Then just consider her
Craig's date and you'll be fine.

- You don't understand.

She ran to the drugstore
before we came.

- Yeah.

- And I saw the receipt.

- And?

- And besides the
usual Tic-Tacs and gum,

Mom also bought a 12-pack.

- A 12-pack?
- Of condoms.

- Good lord!
- Exactly.

My mother's a
card-carrying whore.

- Oh, come on!

Consider the positives.
- Positives?

There's a positive side to
this tragedy that is my life?

- Are you kidding?

I'm just glad the
kid will finally

have his white count
lowered, 12 times.

(playful music)

- [Caleb] Think he
knows what he's reading?

- Poor Dee Dee.

He's playing the ponies again.

(twangy music)

- Try doing the damn
dishes with the water.

- All right, who are you

and what have you done
with my buddy Miguel?

- What are you talking about?

- Well, my fun, happy friend

broke up with his
girlfriend Allison, right?

And then this pissed off,
whiny, bitchy guy, you,

walked back in through the door.

- Okay.

Let me ask you a question.

Haven't you ever met a girl

that intrigued you
beyond the physical?

- Oh, yeah.

I get plenty of those.

- Okay, then, why no commitment?

- Because it would be unnatural.

- Unnatural?

How is it unnatural?

- All right, I'm
gonna go slow here,

so let's see if you can keep up.

We all have one brain, right?

- Okay.

- But we have millions of sperm.

We're outmanned, we're outgunned

and it's useless to try to
struggle against nature.

- So basically
what you're saying

is that we're no
better than animals.

- Exactly.

We're manimals.

Actually the word mammal

comes from the Greek
word for animal,

so I'm actually just ensuring
the survival of our species.

- And you'd pretty
much do anybody.

- No.

Wouldn't screw around
with my friend's chicks.

- Oh, well, that's good to know.

- Of course.

Too much free ass just
begging to be tapped, right?

- I can tap.

I can also do ballet and jazz.

- Oh.

That's good to know.

- I'm gonna go tap.

(gentle bright music)

- You guys okay?

- [Paul] What?

- You and the wife.

- You mean Gina?

- [Jenny] Yes, Gina.

- Regular tantrum.

Nothing unusual there.

- So, have you--

- Have I what?

- I mean, like, you know.

- Speak up, child,
I'm not a mind reader.

Excellent martini, by the way.

- Thanks.

Have you, I mean, like,
broached the subject yet?

- "Broached?"

I'm impressed.

- Like, fuck you, Paul,
have you told her yet?

- Told her what, sweetie?

- That Adam Lambert is gay.

Christ, like,
about us of course!

- Oh, that.
- Yeah, that!

- All in due time, my dear.

- Well, handle it!

- An ultimatum on
my anniversary?

- No more games, Paul.

You've strung me along
long enough as it is.

- I hear an "or"
in there somewhere.

- Damn right,
handle it or I will!

(Paul sighs)

(scattered chatter)

(birds chirp)

(pensive music)

- Yo, babe, got a minute?

- Not now, Chip.

- Pssh, quit frontin', bitch!

What's a brother got
to do to get some--

- All right, with me.

Look, Chip, okay, I
was depressed, okay,

I was on the rebound.

I needed a ride, I
took a ride, that's it.

Nothing else, not
now, not ever, never!

- Wait, that's all I
was to you, a free ride?

- Get over it!

- But that was the first
time I ever took-- (sniffles)

- Oh, my god!

Chip, I didn't mean--

- No, no, it's cool.

- Shit.

(pensive music)

- Paul, listen, about earlier.

- Don't worry about it.

- No, no, really, I just,
I want to apologize.

I was completely out of line.

- I said don't worry about it.

(sighs)

(birds chirp)

Ooh, meat sounds good.

Man food.

- Too bad you're not a real man.

(playful music)
- What was that?

- Nothing, I was thinking
about going with the rump.

- Ready to order?

- How's the steak?

- Dead.

- Excellent.

I'll have a steak then.

- Sirloin, filet,
T-bone, or rump?

- What?

- Sirloin, filet,
T-bone, or rump?

- Sirloin sounds good.

- What kind of starch
would you like, sir?

- Starch?

- We have chips, fries, roast
potatoes, baked potatoes,

you're an ass.

- I, um, the last one'll do.

- Excellent choice.

How would like to be cooked?

- Cooked?

- How would you like
the steak to be cooked?

- Medium, please.

- Medium well or medium rare?

- What's with all the
either/or nonsense?

Can't I just get a
steak for god's sake?

- Restaurant policy, sir.
(phone rings)

- Whatever!

Kill it, cook it, just bring it!

Speak to me.

(scattered chatter)

- Testy, isn't he?

(playful music)

- Look, all I'm saying

is that some people just aren't
cut out for marriage, man.

Look at my folks.

- Hey, well my parents
seem to have done okay.

- Yeah, and mine didn't.

Yin and yang.

Look, the institution of
marriage is a fact of life,

I understand that.

I am just opposed to being

personally
institutionalized is all.

- Well, that's quite a jaded
point of view, isn't it?

- Or is it really?

It's self preservation,
my friend.

Right now I can come
and go as I please.

I can do whatever I want.

I don't have to account for
my time to anyone, nobody.

You ever see old couples?

You ever notice how
it's always the man

wearing a hearing
aid in his ear?

It's never the woman.

Yeah, why do you
think that is, huh?

Besides, it's a scientific fact
that women screw things up.

- Oh, scientific fact?
- Mm-hm.

Look what happened
to the Beatles after
Yoko Ono showed up.

- Oh, come on, bro.

John and Yoko were very happy.

- And the world is
a much poorer place

being denied more Beatles
hits, now isn't it?

- No, no, no, no, "Imagine"
is a classic, bro.

Okay, John was there with
Yoko when he wrote it.

- Yeah.

But Lennon and
McCartney were no more,

so my argument still stands.

- No, it doesn't.

Okay, and besides,

it was Paul and Linda
who stirred shit up, bro.

Look, man, people change.

We all have to grow up.

We all have responsibilities.

- This is bullshit.
- What?

- Come on, man.

I've known you forever, and
I can read you like a book.

You're going back to Yoko.

- Give me back my sherry.

And it's Allison.

- Yoko, Linda, Allison,
just promise me

you'll think about what
I'm saying here, man.

Better yet, come with me.

(pensive music)
- What, oh, shit.

- Did you spring it on him yet?

- No.

Because some idiot didn't do
what she was supposed to do.

- What?

- I told you to turn
on the nanny cam

before you get started.

- What do you mean?

I thought you were filming it.

- No, I specifically told
you to turn on the teddy bear

before you do it.

- I thought you were
talking about Paul.

- (scoffs) He's no teddy bear.

And like I really want to see
you make out with my husband.

- So I went through all
that crap for nothing?

- I'm afraid so.

- Damn it!

You know the amount
of effort it took

to imagine Brad
Pitt for 30 seconds?

I have never had to concentrate

for that length of time before!

- Well, you're gonna have
to do it one more time.

- Like, ew!

I can't!

Out of the question,
I can't, I won't.

- One word, prenup.

- Nah, uh-uh, no way.

- Well, if you want to
share in the spoils,

sacrifices are gonna
have to be made.

- Fuck that!

Besides, what the
hell are you doing?

- I'm married to the
asshole, remember?

You think it's been
a walk in the park?

- Isn't there another way?

What about one of the
whores from housekeeping?

- Oh, no, I am not slicing
this pie any thinner.

- Fine, I'll do it.

You suck.

(light jazzy music)

- Man, I have never seen
so many hot chicks here

at the same time.

Oh my God, look at
that one right there.

And they're all
by their lonesome.

I would do things to her.

Look at that one right
there, oh my god!

Whoa!

That one will frustrate
the hell out of you.

Buddy, would you tap
that one right there?

Whoa!

- Tap what, Gary?

- How you doing?

- What are you doing here, Gary?

- Nothing, I'm just
getting my fix for the day.

- Really shouldn't be here.

- See you around.

(jazzy flourish)

(scattered chatter)

- Who was that?

- Huh?

- On the phone.

(Paul exhales deeply)

- That was George.

- Your broker again?

Okay, what's going on, Paul,

because it's not like George
to be calling you this much.

Paul, are you okay?

- Huh?

Oh, oh yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

- Okay, what's bothering you?

Paul, okay, you're scaring
me, what's going on?

- Well, we're broke.

- What?

- We're broke.

- Broke?

- I had this business
deal in Nigeria.

Sure thing, George said.

Then it all falls apart.

- How can we be broke?

- Well, long story short,

went tits up right
after I invested.

- How can you fall
for a Nigerian scam?

What, you got an email?

- It wasn't a Nigerian scam.

It was a business
deal in Nigeria.

- We had millions, Paul.

- "Had."

Right.

Ah, shit.

Look at the bright side, honey.

- Bright side? (scoffs)

There's a bright
side to all of this?

- I make it back
in 10 years, tops.

Probably.

(sighs)
- [Jenny] Here you go.

- Can we get this to go, please?

- To go, like, what happened?

- I don't see where that's
any of your business.

- You want your food to go?

- That's right.

We're taking it to our room,

if it's not too
damned inconvenient.

- You mean like, like, in a bag?

- [Gina and Paul]
Yes, in a goddamn bag!

- Paper or plastic?

(pensive music)

- Did she say anything?

- No, but she punched me.

You see that out there?

- I'm not going to let
you ruin this for me, man.

- Look, man, if we were
meant to be monogamous,

we'd have a cyclops eye and
a one-nut ball sack, come on.

Oh, no, man, come
on, no, no, no,

come on, what are
you thinking, man?

- I'm tired of this
lifestyle, Gar.

I'm tired of waking up alone.

- How could you say that?

I don't wake up alone.

- Huh?

Waking up with a
stranger every morning

is worse than waking up alone.

- Let me 'splain
something to you, Lucy.

You get back with Allison,

it's gonna totally
screw up my social life!

We'll never hang out anymore!

- Yes, yes, yes we will.

- No, we won't!

I'm toast.

You're the chick magnet.

I pick up your leftovers, man.

How could you do
something like this to me?

- Now you're sounding
like the chick.

Look, I will always be your
wing man, all right, I promise.

- You say that now,

but it's really not going to
be up to you now, is it, right?

That's why you getting married
is fucked up, my friend.

- What?

- Allison.

- [Gary] Oh, shit!

- You're getting mar--

- No, Allison, listen.

- (gasping) You're getting--

- Allison, listen, Allison!
- [Gary] Hey.

- What?

- I don't agree with
you on this, man,

but if this is what
you really want,

I'm here for you, okay?

(birds chirp)

- (sighs) Just get away from me.

- Please, just, this
won't take a second.

- When were you going to tell me

that you're getting married?

- Come on, Allison,
it's not what you think.

- No?
- No, it's not.

Look, the--
- Who's the slut?

Is it one of the sluts
from housekeeping?

(voice breaking) Is it one
of the housekeeping sluts?

- No--
- Is it one of those

slutty sluts from housekeeping?

- Shut up, please!

Can you just be quiet for a
second and hear me out, okay?

(Allison sighs)

Now, look, I know
that I haven't been

the most honest
person up till now.

And I may have blurted
out some things in anger.

- (sighs) Ya think?

- But the fact is that,

look, the reason I haven't
called you was because

I needed time to think.

- Well then knock yourself out.

Just take all the time you want!

(door slams and locks)

(pensive music)

(Allison sobs)

- You want I should
sort him out?

I'm not much into fisticuffs,

but I'm a pretty
mean bitch slapper.

I mean if he doesn't
have his cutlery.

(Allison sobs)
Oh, honey.

Haven't you done enough?

- Allison, please, give
me a chance to explain.

- You better be going the
way of the dodo, pretty boy.

Look, you may be
the baby's daddy,

but I'll go all baby's
uncle on your ass.

- What does that even mean?

You want me to admit
that I was an asshole?

Fine, I was an asshole.

But Allison, all of a sudden

I had to grow up
overnight, you know?

I mean shit, man, come on,
a baby, for Christ's sakes?

- Which isn't even yours, right?

- Baby?

- Wait, let me not misquote.

- That's different.

- You said, "It's not,
you know, effing mine."

Isn't that right?

- Come on, Allison, I was drunk.

I didn't know you
were going to tell me

we were having a baby.
- Okay.

And that makes
everything alright?

- I was scared.

I mean shit, man,
I'm still scared.

- Poor baby.

What happened, Miguel?

I mean, really, what happened?

Did your friends
convince you otherwise?

Was it just some game
to get into my pants?

- No.

No, of course not.

- You go, girl, saute that
fine behind some more!

- Because from
where I'm standing,

everything that you
say just sounds like

pure, unadulterated bullsh...

Bullsh...

Bull dookie!

Look, just prove me wrong.

- I, um. (sighs)

- I thought so.

Just leave, Miguel.

No!

I thought you were different.

But now I see.

Just go and rejoin
the lost boys.

- Lost boys?
- You know, party, pillage,

fondue, whatever
it is you guys do.

This baby is my problem

and I'm going to deal with it.
- Stop! (glass breaks)

Just stop it!

(gentle music)

My whole life

I've been blessed with a
natural talent for cooking.

Any dish, man, I can
see the ingredients.

My taste buds kick in and I
know exactly what spice to add,

a dash of this, a smidgen of
that, I mean I know exactly,

I know how to handle
this shit blindfolded.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- Saucy men, maybe?

- I am not equipped for
life outside my kitchen.

- Then go play with
your damn meat.

- Look.

All I know

is that I had this ache in my
stomach the last few weeks.

It scared the hell out of me.

I thought I was gonna die.

Then I realized it was you.

Because I might end
up not being with you,

and I can't even
bear the thought

of not having you in my life.

You are the marinara
in my al dente pasta,

the sugar in my creme brulee,

the Hollandaise sauce in my--
- She gets it, move on!

(gentle music)
- I miss you.

(voice breaking) I
freaking miss you, and,

will you marry me?

- Oh my god, what, what?

- It was you, baby.

It was always you.

(Allison exhales sharply)

- Oh, my god!

We're engaged!

We're engaged!

(applause)

We're engaged!

(laughs)

(piano keys clang)

(bright music)

(Caleb cries)

(Allison laughs)

(propulsive music)

- Breaking news from Hollywood.

After 40 years as a
family-run organization,

the Hollywood Resort
was sold today.

To everyone's amazement,
the buyer was an American.

Former hotel employee Donnie
DiCicco is the surprise buyer.

Donnie said he had considered
buying Hollywood Park

or Santa Anita, but ultimately
chose the Hollywood Resort.

- You know, people
call me the brain,

but it don't take
no genius to know

that if I buy a hotel,
we can live there.

I mean, where would me and
Dee Dee and Donnie, Jr.,

and Dee Dee, Jr.,
sleep at a race track?

(children cry in background)

- Donnie, Jr., leave
your sister alone!

- Yes, life at the Hollywood
Resort is always exciting.

Rumor has it that the hottest
new rapper in Hollywood,

Val-A, is holed-up
there right now.

(bright dance music)
(crowd cheers)

(flashbulbs pop)

Must be quite the thrill for
little Donnie and Dee Dee, Jr.

(propulsive music)

Former owner Thomas Warfield
and his new bride Gina,

are off to Tahiti,
where his son Craig

and his new bride Elaine
are already honeymooning.

- We had planned
a double wedding,

but my lovely bride Gina's
divorce hadn't come through yet.

(gulls screech)
Craig couldn't wait.

He was in a hurry to do
the horizontal mambo,

if you know what I mean.

Ride the bologna--

- Honey, we all
know what you mean.

(waves crash)
(gentle island music)

(propulsive music)

- And that's "Life
at the Resort."

(mimics hitting a golf ball)

Good night.

("Baby" by Javelin)

* Baby, I won't have
anyone but you, babe *

* No one will ever
do what you do *

* Yeah, it's true

* I know I can have
anyone I want, dear *

* But it it's you
only that I need *

* Yes, indeed

- (beep) Is it one of the
sluts from housekeeping?

Is it one of the
housekeeping sluts?

Is it one of those slutty
girls from housekeeping?

There's so much sluts. (beep)

- I just looked at the camera.

(laughter)

(clapping)
(beep)

(Todd groans)
- My god, why?

- Because she looked
like this! (beep)

- [Director] And action.

- Ooh! (laughs)

- [Director] Cut, okay,
that's good. (beep)

(children chattering
in background)

- Now there's a good girl.

- [Jenny] You suck! (beep)

- Ah!

- [Director] Oh,
goodness gracious!

- [Paul] Morons I'm
surrounded by! (beep)

- You guys are okay?

Blah!

(laughter)

- [Director] Take it
from the top. (beep)

Action.

(bubble pops)

(laughter)
(beep)

(beep)
- Loads of cream.

Thick.

- [Donnie] Ooh, that
sounds good. (beep)

- [Director] And do your
backwards moon walk.

That's it. (beep)

(laughter)

- [Director] One more
look at the bottle

and read it a little bit. (beep)

(Elaine laughs)

(beep)
- [Director] Cut, very nice.

Good job.

Great, guys.

(laughter)
(beep)

- [Director] What's up, guys?

Cut it, cut it,
that's a roll. (beep)

Warm it up a little.

You're a man!

(laughter)

(beep)
- That one would hurt.

- [Director] The
tap line now. (beep)

- He never has been,
that's, that's, (stutters),

I have no idea what
I'm supposed to say.

(beep)
- Way, very way.

(beep)
- A-S-S.

(pours liquid) Nyet!

- [Director] Cut.
(laughter)

(beep)
- Vierno?

(laughter)

- [Director] Cut!
(beep)

- Don't bother packing
everything up, you deviant,

we'll have it all shipped.

Oh.
(beep)

* Baby, I won't have
anyone but you, babe *

* No one will ever
do what you do *

* Yeah, it's true

* I know I can have
anyone I want, dear *

* But it's you
only that I need *

* Yes, indeed

* Baby, in my life

* I won't have anyone but you

* With me you'll
never see no harm *

* I will not ever do you wrong

* Yeah, it's true

* I know I like to
take you in my arms *

* No one will ever need
your charms like I do *

(beep)
(knocks on door)

* Baby, in my life

* I won't have anyone but you

- [Todd] Okay, yeah. (chuckles)

Oh my, god!

(women clamor)
Ooh!

(singing in foreign language)

* I won't have anyone but you

* I don't know why it
takes you so long *

* I'll just try and chill out

* But can't stop my song

* Yeah, yeah

* Baby, I hold the
love that you'd adore *

* I'm the one you've
been looking for *

* Yeah, it's true

* I know I'd love to
show you what we'll be *

* If you'll be with
me you will see *

* That it's true

* Baby
(Beep)

- [Director] And thumbs up.

Look at each other,

and, Marianne, go for
some tongue on this one.

Open that mouth, Marianne, yeah!

(piano keys clang)

Ooh!

Keep going. (laughs)

Keep going.

(laughter)

That's a cut, that's a cut.

- We were just getting--

(dramatic music)