Original subtitles

Woo!

Woo!

I caught you!

Thanks, folks, for donating to our hospice fundraiser.

We've made a pile of money tonight.

Fair play to ya.

Go on, do it for Mam.

Hey, folks, here's a story about Minnie the Moocher.

She was a lowdown hoochie coocher.

She was the roughest, toughest frail.

But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

He gave her his townhouse and his racing horses.

Each meal she ate was a dozen courses.

She had a million dollars worth of nickels and dimes.

She sat around and counted them a million times.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

Poor Min!

Dad, stop!

Put it back!

That money is for Ma.

Exactly.

What's for her, is for us.

She'd want us to have it.

You, me, your sister, the baby.

Not cheap having a new one in the house.

Here.

Mully!

Mully!

Watch out, Sideline Sue!

Get back here!

Mully!

Mully!

I need that money!

Mully!

Oh... Oi, kid... Shit!

Come here!

That's my taxi!

What about your suitcase?!

Mully!

What the fuck?!

What the...

Erm... Er, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

Erm... er...

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, gotta dump this car.

Mully, you need to come back now.

You're doing your mam no favours.

She's after pulling a small miracle for us.

Because that fella, Paddy the taxi driver,

he thinks your one stole the taxi.

So, there's no shades involved...

... yet.

Come on, Mully.

Imelda and the baby'll miss ya.

Ah...

"Quanto es?"

Where are we?!

The Wheeler Dealer's field.

Who are you?!

We do not want the Wheeler Dealer out.

What is going on?

What the fuck is going on?!

I didn't know yous were here when I nabbed the motor.

Oh God!

Oh, this is all I need!

I haven't even left Lisbert yet.

Oh.

Oh God!

Uh!

I don't know what the fuck you're on.

Uh!

It's okay.

Windies is it?

Yeah, it's okay.

It's okay.

Shhh.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Shhh...

SNIFFS

-Fresh outta the box? - Urgh!

What is she, a week old?

I'll just take yous back into town to get another taxi.

No! I'm going forward, not back.

Forward. I've a plane to catch to Lanzarote at noon.

Uh...

And I've gotta get to Droleen first.

I think she's hungry.

You wouldn't just throw her on the bap, no?

Ugh!

Our Jess is mad for it.

You've a baby?

No.

She's my niece, but her dad's kind of a no show,

so I'm basically her da.

That's handy. You can share nappies.

Right where I left you.

Oh, shit.

Shut up ya flea sack!

What the fuck? You mentalist!

Right, you're gonna come with me to look after the baby there

then you can do whatever you want with the car.

It'll only take a couple of hours... and in return-

And I can persuade the taxi driver not to press charges.

You know, there's no crime if nobody presses charges, right?

That's a proper legal thing.

I'm a solicitor, I know!

You need to shut that baby up,

'cause if the dealer comes out, we're done.

He took someone's eye out with a gear stick!

He was one of mine. He told me it was an accident up the Pitch 'N Putt.

Anyways, you need to shut that baby up.

You need to agree this is a good plan for you.

This shit plan it is unless you want a beating from that fella there

or me to press charges about kidnapping!

We need to keep her quiet.

Shit!

I'm driving.

I know the back roads.

Where's your Mama gone?

Where's your Mama gone?

Little baby Don,

Little baby Don.

Where's your Mama gone?

Far, far away.

Last night I heard my Mama singing a song,

Oooh-ee, chirpy chirpy cheep cheep.

Woke up this morning and my Mama was gone,

Oooh-ee, chirpy chirpy cheep cheep.

chirpy chirpy cheep cheep, chirp.

No, seriously?

It's my car.

How is she there? Is she too warm?

Hey, Vodka Tonic, is she too warm?

She's fine.

Just feel the back of her neck there. That's how you know.

Well, how do you know if you won't check?

'Cause she's after giving me a little thumbs up.

How do you know I drink vodka tonic?

'Cause I work in The Hound.

I thought you knew that.

Jesus, you are mental!

I could be a complete killer.

I do know you now.

I've seen you sing in The Hound.

That stupid song.

Here folks, here's the story about Minnie the Moocher.

She was a lowdown hoochie coocher.

She was the roughest toughest frail.

But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.

Hidee hidee hidee hi...

Hode hode hode ho.

I hate that song.

Oh, not as much as I do.

So, Vodka Tonic, where you off to?

What's with the ball of money rammed down your jocks?

Her lungs are the size of two walnuts like.

What's the baby's name?

Petrol! I just realised!

-What's the baby's name? -Watch the road!

-Oh! -Agh!

Reverse over it. Quick!

It's a kindness. Quick!

No way!

It's in no pain now.

Breathe. Good deep breaths.

Hey, you know, we did the right thing.

Seriously, it's actually illegal to swerve to avoid an animal.

You're a dose, you are.

A fox-killing dose of mental!

Do you know what, I can't be arsed to fight with you.

I wanna go to my aunt's.

Well, I'm going forward, not back.

You can get out whenever you want.

But it's my car!

And it'll be all yours in Droleen.

Droleen is miles away!

Would you not just feed her yourself?

Da says it like Dairymaster up in our place.

You know, with my sister Imelda trying to feed baby Jess and...

me helping the pups to latch.

You gotta make sure the weak ones get the back tits.

I was trying to feed one with a bottle, sure.

Have you seen the video online where

a man's trying to feed 20 baby goats?

They have long white ears like socks

sticking out of the sides of their heads.

Oh, it's really funny.

No, no, no, you're kidding.

Is this a fucking joke?!

Argh!

We need to get petrol. I've gotta get to Droleen.

There's a place about five miles from here.

Me and Ma used to drive around here.

She used to let me drive when we went on the backroads.

-You stay here with the baby. -We'll all go.

We're not taking her out in the cold, you mentalist!

You're right, body heat.

Hey, little baba.

Where the fuck are we?

I'll tell you what, we'll play question for question.

Alight?

Two rules.

You get one pass.

But you have to tell the truth.

Ya chicken.

-Come on! -Go on, so...

Promise to tell the truth?

-Say it. -I promise.

Alright, I'll go first.

What the fuck is in Droleen?

Two pubs, a post office and a statue of a man

with a stick up a wren's arse.

Oh, fair play to ya.

And you bet into your solicitor's head.

My question.

Is your dad James?

Yeah.

My turn.

Why are you going to Droleen?

Is the money stol... I'll rephrase that.

Did you steal the money?

No, but...

-kind of. -'Kind of' doesn't cut it.

Look, I stole it from someone who stole it in the first place.

Why are you going to visit them?

To give them something.

-From where or whom... -Hang on.

That's two questions. I'll answer the first one.

From The Hound. Well, the Hospice, really.

What are you gonna give them?

Pass. From the Rita Mulligan night?

No, you don't get a pass on that one.

Are you giving them the baby?

Yes. Do you want to give it back?

-What do you mean you're... -Answer my question.

I caught my dad stealing the money so I grabbed it off him.

'Cause I don't want to be stealing from cancer.

... that's like stealing from Ma.

Why are you giving them the baby?

I don't want kids and Mags does.

Nah, you're panicking now.

I'm not panicking. I'm totally prepared.

It's all arranged legally and it's final.

You can't just give her away. What about the dad?

You sound like you need yours like a hole in the head.

-Likewise. -The dad should know.

Even I know that.

You have to tell him.

Well, not if I don't know who he is.

Not a clue.

Look, I didn't think it could still happen.

Nobody, nobody gives away babies these days.

Except for that guy, obviously.

People give babies away all the time!

to child traffickers, to Chinese gymnastic academies.

I'm giving mine to a loving home, stone me.

You're being an arsehole now.

More women should take my lead

instead of dragging up kids they never wanted.

They should be selfless enough to give them

to women who eat, sleep and dream babies.

There's enough of them out there.

I've known Mags my whole life.

There's no better woman for the job.

People have been staring at me through their mouths

for the last four months.

You're mental you are. Totally fuckin' mental.

No, I'm practical and solution orientated.

Even my mother wouldn't argue on that front.

Well, what does she have to say about this?

Not much she can say from a coffin.

She always said it was better for everyone that I never wanted kids.

When did she die?

Nine months ago.

Yeah, the circle of life.

Will you get me cigarettes and painkillers?

No, I need two hands to fill the petrol can.

-I'll do that. -No, I will!

Oh...

But I wanna give it back. Dad!

Painkillers.

Ma wouldn't have wanted this.

Gifted is what it is, Mully.

JAMEDo you know where I am?

I'm at the kitchen table.

Ah, I can smell the perfume off her jacket.

This was her favourite place in the world.

That money is for her.

It's what'll keep us here together.

If I don't sort what I owe, I'm gone.

Huh?

If I'm gone, you're gone.

I don't wanna lose you, bud.

Huh?

So, we're gonna lose the mentalist, right?

Did she er...

Did she see the money?

You're not far from the ferry terminal.

Huh? Tell her.

Convince her.

I don't give a shit, just get there.

I'll come get you from there.

Right?

Who has ya Mully?

Who has ya?

You do.

- Oh, there he is. - Fuck.

Where's our money?

Just get there!

Right, so, me and Red Hurley

come up with this way back when we were in the Nevada.

Nice fella, if you like 'em nice.

He kept his head down and the wheels on the road.

I got lost in a decade long snowstorm if you catch my drift.

Sure, I'll just let you listen.

Just to prepare ya, I'm after putting a few tweaks on it.

And my nephew threw some beats over it.

Phat ones.

P H A T.

It's a new direction for me.

Jesus,

I'm nervous now.

I'm wondering, should I play you the original

so you see where I'm coming from?

Publish and be damned, as the man says.

When we met in Askeaton,

my heart got a beatin'

at the car boot sale.

I kept on your trail.

We passed those two days in a love fuelled haze,

then I asked you to love me and I got the third degree.

What's going on.

Are your eyes painted on?

Can't you see that I love ya?

Love is blind but you my sweet are not...

P H A T!

You got it, kid.

Ah, deadly.

“Are your eyes painted on? Can't you see that I love ya?”

LAUGHS I think they're my new favourite lyrics.

I have to meet my dad at the ferry.

What about your aunt?

Change of plan.

Whatever, but the ferry's a detour we're not taking.

We're going straight to Droleen as the crow flies

-You're kidnapping me? -Ah Jesus Christ, the drama.

Turn around or I'll chuck this out the window.

Get out and get that!

Only if you take me to the ferry.

Little fucker, get out of the car!

Get out of the car!

I'm sorry.

Hold that.

Hmm...

We're still not going to the ferry.

I'm not missing that plane.

Check out the stray eyes on you.

No, your...

It happens to Imelda all the time.

You must have been feeding her yourself

if your milk's coming in.

They squirm up your body, the nurse said,

the second they're born, looking for tit.

Well, she didn't squirm up mine.

Well, something started the pump going.

You must have...

Wait, did you pump?

-With the yellow yoke... -Shut up!

Just shut up for a minute, will ya?

Christ, I need to pee again.

Pass me the nappy bag.

Ah shit! I need a wipe!

They're on the passenger seat.

I need a wipe!

Oh!

Ah.

What's the baby's name?

Come on, she has to have a name.

Robin.

Thought I might find you in the driver's seat.

My name's Joy.

I know, false advertising.

Not the bringer of joy apparently.

I didn't say that.

God bless online check in.

Are you really just gonna give her up, like really?

Look, I know you think I'm a witch,

but the baby's getting a good deal.

Shit!

Crash maybe?

Will you run up and see?

Shit!

It's a checkpoint.

Fuck!

And us in a stolen car.

Droleen's just the other side.

There is none. That's why they put it here.

Let's just go home. You can get

I can't. I'm not going back, I'm going forward.

I've a plane to catch.

Okay look, I've got this, but you have to trust me.

Can I not just stay in the back and be your son like?

This crew up here are looking to bring something in.

And whether it's fair or not, they don't like heads like yours.

Ah! This is mental.

Seriously, I can convince anyone of anything.

I'm fucking one of the smartest people I know

and I would not propose this if I didn't think it was viable.

I have this, you just have to trust me.

I've got nothing with me, not even me handbag.

I've left me face at the bottom of me wash bag

and, honest to goodness, when I got the call from me mam

I just grabbed this banger. It's me son's.

and my husband's away with the car, the good one.

But me mam's just a mile down the road there.

But the last time she fell she was on the ground for two hours.

-Go on so. -Ah.

Don't make a habit of it.

No.

You might just pop the boot there for a minute.

A massive spider ran down my body, bit my ankle!

I'll bite your ankle!

In the dark, Joy!

-Hairy legs on my skin. -Ah get in, quick.

You had one job!

It could've been poisonous.

Hid in a banana truck or something.

- Shut up!

Right, we'll have to go the ferry route after all.

I'll drop you off.

We'll need new wheels.

You know, we could swap a car so we're not really stealing.

This is worse than the Honda.

They may not report us if they're getting an upgrade.

I can take the ferry over to Droleen

and still get to my friend's in plenty of time.

-Shit! -You can wait for another.

You're not gonna make your plane anyway.

I might.

If I drive round the estuary, I can come in from there.

I'll use the facilities first, though.

Stay here with the baby for a minute then you can wait for your dad.

Fucker!

Have you seen a young fella?

Mully, come on out.

Just wait till my da comes.

-What? -Just wait till my da comes!

No, I can't!

Come on, Joy!

Let him know you won't say nothing

if he gives the money back.

Let him know you're watching him, like.

Or, or...you're watching me!

I can't wait, Mully.

Look, come on out and I'll swap you a burger for the key.

You told me to shut up earlier, so I'm shutting up.

Mully!

Ugh!

Gimme the car keys, Mully, and I'll come and find you

when I'm back from Lanzarote. How about that?

What is it, four grand? I have that, easy!

Give me the keys and I'll write an IOU, I promise.

And I never break my promises ever! Ask anyone.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

“Home-cut potato wedges covered with our famous curry sauce

with a creamy side portion of coleslaw.”

Here, Mully, give her a last bottle, please.

Come on, Mully, I'll mind that for you, it'll take you five minutes.

How about you start and I'll come find you once I get these in my belly.

What mother leaves both of her children go hungry?

And you can fuck off with your pass remarkables.

Anyway, he's not my son.

He's the father.

She's only taking the piss, by the way.

She doesn't even know who the father is.

Do you need to feed her?

Nip in there, get some privacy for yourself.

I'm heading off for a bit, so just close the door after.

Okay.

Okay.

There's no more formula.

Why'd you have no more formula?

Because you burst the last one with your Fast and Furious routine.

I had exactly enough for a simple straight up trip,

not this coastal road fiasco we're on.

Well, you won't get none here.

Joy, you're gonna have to feed her yourself.

Joy...

Joy, just try it.

I have tried. I was trying before.

Look, it's tricky at first. Our Imelda...

Look, she doesn't want me, Mully.

She won't even take a bottle from me.

No, Joy, you just think that she doesn't want you.

Right, chillax, okay? Get them shoulders up.

You wanna wear her right across you.

You don't want her dragging.

That's how the nurse showed our Imelda.

You're doing great.

She's rooting.

Come on, Robin, open your little beak.

Come on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

So, Imelda says you can feel it coming from your back.

Can you feel that?

You did it.

You just baptised her there.

Come with me, Mully.

Let's still get on that ferry

and we'll figure out how to give the money back.

What about my Da?

We'll figure that out too.

Do you promise?

I promise.

We're going forward, not back.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome on board with Shannon Ferry.

Our trip will take approximately 20 minutes.

What about Robin?

She's sleeping. Not a peep.

The fella can see her from his little perch.

It's my first time on a boat.

I can't really swim, but I love the sea.

I hate water. I don't get my hair wet as a rule.

I love just putting my head under and hearing...

well, nothing like

Sometimes I hitch out and sit on our beach.

The one with the pink cart thing and the big beach sign.

I don't go to beaches.

That beach reminds me of Ma.

Only Da knows I go there, and now you.

Here, the wind'll get you up here.

The bloody supermoon is wrecking havoc with the tides.

Is the baby still asleep?

Yeah.

I'm not putting that on. The cut of it.

Ah, go on, so...

Here...

Here, see if you recognise this one.

You and I forever and ever.

No matter where you are,

you're my guiding star.

And from the very first moment I saw you,

I've never felt such emotion.

I'm walking on air. -Yes, you are.

-Just to know... -Just to know...

You are there!

Hold me in your arms, don't let me go.

I want to stay forever.

Closer each day,

Home and Away.

- YAY! - That's it now.

- I have to pee. - Check the baby!

You've a new baby in the house?

Same as ours.

You're a good big brother, though.

Not like our wee fella.

He's very put out.

Thinks we'll only half love him now.

I've tried to tell him there's no fractions in play.

You can't half love a child.

Here, I have to get back to me cage.

Keep the whistle.

Throw us in them jackets after.

They're not mine.

She was mooching a bit.

You know who she looks like in that hat?

Sideline Sue.

She was an accountant.

Solicitor.

Imagine her all, "Yes, Your Honour!"

She was actually the best in Kerry.

Did my work experience under her.

You know, my Ma gave her that hat?

To cover her scar.

She told me an angel gave her that hat.

Da says she's dangerously honest.

Oh, there they are now.

The half orphan and the...

Ah, what does she call you?

Oh, Reckless Joy.

Hey, that could be our band name.

Reckless Joy and the Half Orphan.

Here...

He's about 13, brown hair, skinny...

Are you his father or her partner?

What?

That wagon should have taken another ferry months ago.

Oh!

Fuck it!

How'd that little fella get all the way out here?

You know, in our house, robin is Ma.

And we're off. Thanks Rita.

I'm sorry about your mam.

I knew her a bit from The Hound.

And from school, we were in the same year, you know.

She said she was in the bottom class. Were you in the top?

Mm-hmm.

Jesus, she was so good looking.

Even the women teachers would defer to her.

What do you mean? Pick on her?

Oh no, the opposite, be much nicer to her.

Look, you can see the outline of her lips there.

She'd come in after work and give me a kiss on the cheek.

And I'd wake up with a big kiss mark on my cheek.

She loved my cheeks.

Hamster cheeks, she said.

'Cause I was so small.

I'm pleased someone gave you a childhood, Mully.

I saw my mam putting on lipstick once.

I was about seven years old.

in one of them caravans up near Phelan's Pipe.

Didn't really want to see my dad.

Well, well, I did and I didn't.

I just really wanted to go swimming.

But me mam...

But then I looked over the dune to see...

What d'you see?

Do you know how lucky you are to have had your Rita, Mully?

All that good stuff to pass on.

She'll have you.

One feed doesn't mean I'm keeping her, Mully.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's why I need to think about it more at home.

-Oh... -What?

What is it?

Can't believe I'm driving a fuckin' stolen car

with a minor and I ran a checkpoint.

I know.

You were on one, alright. -Oh, my Christ, I'm mental.

I am, I'm mental!

I can claim postpartum psychosis.

Oh, Jesus, I'm good!

I finally get to reap the benefits of my own brilliance.

Ah.

Oh, shit!

-Shit. -Leave it to me, Mully.

-Mulser. -What happened to your nose?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

We're gonna lose the mentalist now, right?

She's big enough, she can go her own way.

Socks and jocks in the pocket.

Mully's coming with me.

He is in his fuck!

You're a piece of work, aren't ya?

Forcing a child to drive you up the country

so you can give your baby away?

You're forcing a child to keep stolen charity money

that he wants to give back.

Well...

If there was stolen money,

I'll be sure to make him give it back.

Isn't that right, Mully?

Isn't it, Mully?

Right, get in the car.

I'll volunteer a witness statement about the stolen money.

Don't even try get your solicitor routine on.

You've enough on your plate with your own pup

without interfering with mine!

Back the fuck off!

Oh...

Can we say goodbye so without you looming nearby?

Joy, you need to come with us.

You can't drive, you'll kill the baby.

Da, a lift. She's not feeling well.

Hey!

-You're headed for Droleen? -No, she's changed her mind.

-She's coming with us. -Mully, can you shut up for a minute!

Right, we'll agree, what went on tour stays on tour.

On both sides, right?

I always keep my promises.

Wipe down the Mazda, Mully.

For fuck's sake, her lungs are the size of two walnuts.

I need to get out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Joy! Joy! Joy!

Tie this around your waist. -But why?

Er, behind ya, there's er... blood.

Oh, I need a shower.

It's okay, it's okay.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Good woman, good woman. In and out.

- I need a shower. - In and out.

It's okay, it's okay.

Deep breath.

It's okay.

-It's okay. -I need a shower.

Joy, Joy, come here.

Why don't you get a drag of that.

You'll be alright, huh? Get a drag of that now.

We'll have you sorted.

I know a B&B up the road. Huh?

We'll get you there, no problem.

I use it for me smoke runs. That's it.

Good woman, you're doing great.

Don't you worry now, we'll have you sorted in no time.

Only a wee bit up the road.

Oh, my little ball of butter.

And you must be young Paul, still mad for cars I suppose.

-And Rita... -I need a shower.

Of course.

I've put you in the family room.

The door's open.

But it'll be a bath 'cause the shower head's gone.

I need that money.

Look...

those greyhounds have me in real trouble.

Maybe Joy could help you.

Would you leave her off?

The saucy solicitor.

That poor little girl there.

- She hasn't any hope. - Shush!

Right, this is the plan.

I'll take you back and you'll say you got attacked

and lost the money to some wino before I could get to ya.

And you only took the money in the first place

cause you wanted to buy that big buggy for Jess.

No, one'll be mad with ya.

And if someone does want to press charges, which they won't,

but if they do,

you're a minor with no former.

It'll be nothing but a slap on the wrists.

Huh?

Right, I'm gonna head down to the local.

It's a wonderful, peaceful time of day.

Okay.

She's not feeding, Mully, will you help me?

You need to do it yourself.

Please, just one more time.

Alright.

Sit up there on the bed and relax.

Right back against the headboard and grab them pillows.

Try the other side.

- Hello? - Mags?

Joy...

Joy, you've changed your mind. I know it.

-I've been calling. -I had the baby.

She came early, I had her naturally.

What?! When? We would have...

No. I didn't want anyone there.

Are you alright?

Is she? -Yeah, she's feeding well.

Are you pumping the colostrum? She needs that.

Oh Jesus, I forgot to bring the pump down.

Actually, I'm feeding her myself.

This could be the making of you, Joy.

Mags, I haven't decided anything yet.

Ok? I just need more time. That's all I know now.

I'm sorry.

I'm all churned up.

Remember that day Mam took me to Phelan's Pipe

and she saw Dad with that young one in the pink bikini?

Yeah, that wet summer.

I didn't tell you all of it.

I think I'm only really after remembering...

A lot of things are coming up now.

You've been turned inside out.

On the way home I kept saying,

“I just wanted to go swimming, Ma."

And eventually she turned into this small beach somewhere

and I ran straight into the sea.

And I could see her on the shore.

I think she was crying and I was messing about,

splashing, playing.

And then a current got me and I could feel the pull on me.

And, er...

my head kept going under and I was shouting at her and waving.

And I could see her looking out to me.

And then I saw her look left right.

Mum! Help!

Mum! Mum! Mum!

And I realise now she was checking...

considering.

Oh, Joy.

And I kept shouting at her, “Mam, Mam!”

I was coughing and then...

My head kept going under, then I couldn't shout anymore

and I just went under.

Eventually she came and dragged me out

and I coughed up all over the wet sand.

She bought me an ice cream on the way home.

She's gone now, Joy. Gone.

Yeah, it doesn't feel like that.

Did you give her a name?

Robin.

Is she a pure beaut?

Yeah, she is, Mags.

Although sometimes I think she looks like

Simon Mulvaney's dad if he was a turtle.

Shhh...

Oh, Mags.

Listen, I've got to go now, Mags.

Bear with me, okay?

Night, Joy. I love you.

- Rita! - Oh!

A little tipple?

No, thanks, Noreen. I shouldn't, the baby.

Sure, this is practically milk!

I suppose it is.

Could I trouble you, do you have the number of a taxi

I could use in the morning?

I wanna get away on the road early.

Leave the two lads there to sleep on.

Oh, I can do better than that.

You are as lovely as James always said you were.

“Everybody loves Rita,” he'd say.

It took a little time to get where I wanted

It took a little time to get free

It took a little time to be honest

It took a little time to be me

To find courage

It's a feeling like no other

Let me tell you, yeah

Courage

The sweet belief of knowing nothing comes for free

Listen, Mully, come back with me now

We'll take the money straight to The Hound.

I already gave it back to my dad.

No, Mully, I have the money. I found it last night.

But...

He'll go hulk, Joy.

He needs that money - he's trying to keep us together.

He needs the money. He's not thinking about what you need.

I see a lazy user dad who's taken all the beautiful things

out of his son's life to line his own pockets.

Rita wouldn't be happy about that money,

and I think you know that.

And I think that's why you stole it back

off him in the first place.

Without him, Joy, I'd be in a home.

With him you'll be in St Pats graduating to prison.

Don't kid yourself.

Listen, Mully, I have parents in court with me

who would literally peel their own skin off

if it meant could save their baby from a moment's hurt.

Parents should put their children first.

-But you were going to... -You've a right to a childhood.

You don't have to love your dad

just as I didn't have to love my mum.

We're not obliged to love them.

He will keep using you until you're spent.

You know, what the fuck do you know anyway?

You were going to piss off to Lanzarote.

At least my dad wants to keep me.

But, you know, you're right, Joy.

Robin here would be better off without a saucy,

vodka-tonic fucking mentalist for a ma!

No, Joy, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...

Well, at least I won't inflict myself on her...

Joy, stop, just... Help me give the money back so.

Yeah, I've seen better tits on a greyhound!

Thank Christ!

We're gonna go after grub.

Noreen...

Here, quick.

Third drawer down.

Come on to fuck will ya? Hurry up!

-See in there? -Yeah.

Just skim a few notes off the top.

That way she'll think she's going mad

and hasn't been robbed.

C'mon, hurry the fuck...

Noreen, any chance of them famous eggs?

Come on...

Joy!

Joy!

Joy!

Not like this!

Okay.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Hey! What's going on?

Shaft's jammed!

Will you be long will ya?

I'll be done when I'm done.

Fuck's sake.

Mully! Mully!

Mully!

Do you have any seats on any planes

going bloody anywhere?

There are still seats on our daily flight to Lanzarote.

Will I book that for you?

If you coujust have your credit card ready there.

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

Air Lingus flight 808 to Lanzarote

will shortly be boarding at gate two.

Air Lingus flight Lanzarote shortly boarding at gate two.

-I have to get off. -I really need you to sit down.

I really need to get off.

Well, the doors are closed.

Oh, doors open, that's what they do.

-The stairs is... -The stairs is still there.

Look, I need to get off. I've nothing but this bag.

It's as easy as opening that door.

I've a right to get off this plane.

Aye, you might have us on board,

but you'll never take our freedom!

If you insist on getting off,

we'll have to change all figures,

notify the boarding staff,

get a bus to bring you off the runway,

employ ramp staff to bring back the stairs.

You'll not only be causing inconvenience to...

The stairs are still there.

Look, number one, you're minus one in your figures

Two, I'll notify boarding staff as I'm leaving.

Three, I'll pass on the bus, thanks.

I could spit at the terminal from here.

And four, the stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

After promises and laughter

After Saturday in song,

After Happy Ever After,

Went and crossed the Rubicon,

On misdemeanour days,

on those grass-is-greener days,

when the road starts calling me,

Just before I leave,

something tugs my sleeve,

tells me that I'm where I need to be

It's the light that's in your face,

It's the colours that you chase,

So bring on stormy weather,

this show will run forever,

It's the laughter in your eyes,

It's the whisper of surprise,

Gonna see me through...

Hi, Ma.

Keeps me coming back to you.

Keeps me coming back to you

That's it for another year, lads.

Two pints each on me.

No spirits!

No spirits?

NO! NO! No! Oh my God!

Come on!

I don't wanna go this way. I need to go that way!

I need a mechanic.

I need a mechanic or a car.

I've got money. I... urgh!

Ah, fuck off!

Where were you going?

Lisbert.

Where's your baby?

You know, he tore off in an ice cream van earlier.

He tried my Mini first, like.

-Was he alone? -Yeah.

I need to get to him before someone else.

Where's your Mini now?

Parked up by the butchers. Why?

Can I rent it for the day?

No.

I can drive it though.

I've got my provisional but I just need a responsible adult.

I'm a responsible adult!

The baby's in her new home.

-Huh? -You asked earlier.

Oh.

Turn here.

I see you lost the young fella.

I didn't fucking lose him!

That mentalist friend of yours kidnapped him.

I hope he's miles away. Somewhere safe.

Come with me, Mully.

Why?

Are you gonna adopt me?

Are you gonna take me to the sun?

-I'm not going to Lanzarote now. -No, cos you're a user.

Just like my dad.

I might as well go with him, 'cause at least he's family.

I'm gonna help you make things right with the charity money.

I can do that on my own.

What do you want me to do, Mully? Tell me.

I want you to fuck off and leave me alone.

Stop rubbing your leaky tits up against my dad.

Stop promising things!

I can't fuck off, Mully, and I won't.

Where's Robin?

With Mags.

My ma would have peeled her skin off for me.

I know she would, Mully.

In a heartbeat.

Mully, get behind me.

Mully, get up. Get behind me.

Here we go... Piss off!

Now, Mully,

here, who has ya?

Who has ya, huh?

You do.

Leave him alone!

- Da! - Uh...

You want to play mam?

Stop! Da, stop!

You want to be Rita, huh?

You, you can't get rid of your own blood quick enough!

But someone else's is fuckin' fair game, huh?

-Dad, stop! -Mully!

Do you know what they say about you in The Hound?

-Giving it out in the cubicles. -Argh!

Argh!

-Mully, you little... -Get off me!

Leave me alone, the pair of ya!

Mully!

Mully!

Mully!

Muzzer!

Mully, come back out!

Mully, I'm sorry. We'll give it back!

Come on, Mully. We'll forget the whole thing.

Mully!

Fuck.

Mully! Come back out, you can't swim!

Argh!

Oh!

Mully!

Mully!

Mully!

I'm coming, Mully.

It's okay, it's okay.

I've got you, Mully.

It'll come around,

even on the hardest day.

Maybe you will hear the sound,

of what your heart is trying to say,

Just like a soft rain coming down.

Oh... Mully!

It'll come around, around, around...

It'll come around, around, around...

Mully!

-Mulzer! -I've got you Mully.

I know you feel as though we've fallen out

But I'm right behind you, JAMES SHOUTS: Mully!

so there'll be no doubt.

Mully, will you look at me!

It'll come around,

and you'll be left to wonder why,

There ever had to be a cloud,

up there in the great blue sky,

Something you lost and then you found.

It'll come around, around, around...”

Yeah, it'll come around, around, around...”

...around, around, around, around...

...around...

She hasn't stopped crying since you left.

She wants her mammy.

I don't know, Mags.

Joy, you can do this.

You had the best teacher in the world.

My mam.

Just do everything she didn't do.

I just have to love her, so...

Here they are now.

Reckless Joy and the Half Orphan.

Hiya, Sue.

-There you go. -Thanks.

You took a gallop up the country?

Through a police checkpoint in a stolen car.

But I've come to my senses now, Your Honour.

I was suffering from...

Postpartum psychosis.

You're on it.

A little bird told me you had a girl.

How're you feeling?

Ready to love the living shit out of her.

And him.

Will you come up tomorrow, meet your newest mentee.

See if she's up to scratch.

What's she crying about?

Oh, tears of joy.

I hope. LAUGHS

That poor baby's been dragged around the place willy-nilly.

Here, I erm...

I didn't mean what I said

about your tits being like greyhounds.

You've great tits.

I know.

Simon Mulvaney said I had better tits

than Rebekah Elmaloglou.

She was the hottie in Home and Away when I was at school.

You had Home and Away back then?

Jesus, I didn't even think you had TV.

And you bet into your comedian pants.

You know you will adopt me.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Pretty cocksure of yourself. -Mm-hmm.

I broke ya. -Yeah.

These hamster cheeks broke ya.

- Mam used to let me drive. - Yeah?

So, can I drive?

- Yeah. - Deadly!

In three and a half years time.

You're suddenly all responsible now?

Nah. Once a mentalist, always a mentalist.