All language subtitles for My Family - S10E05 - Hes Just Not That Into Ben.ben

Mmm... Mm-hm?

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Place to ourselves, eh?

Soft jazz, a glass of wine...

What could be better?

Evening, breeders!

Our son coming home
drunk from a gay bar.

What makes you think I'm drunk?

You don't live here any more.

OK, I'm a little drunk.

Michael, we appreciate
that you are interested

in exploring your new lifestyle,

but you are out night after night,
drinking yourself senseless,

enjoying yourself in some gay bar
with no responsibilities,

answerable to no-one, coming back
to a house that you've supposedly left

- and taking out whatever you want.
- What's your point?

What do you mean, my point?
The point is why can't I do that?

I mean, not, not,
not the gay part, but...

I just wanna have fun!

What happened to the ''place to ourselves,
the wine, the music''?

Yeah, but night after night, Susan?

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello?

Yes.

What do you mean, you have my phone?
You can't have, I'm talking on it!

Wait, this one's red.

I'll be right down.

I'm up, I'm up.

Michael, you are in no condition
to go anywhere.

Besides, it's late, and the streets
are dangerous at this time of night.

You could be killed. ...Ben, you go.

- Thanks, Dad.
- What, me?!

- In a gay bar?!
- Why not?

Hello? Ben Harper in a gay bar?

It'd be like putting a dog
on a meat wagon.

Would you be the dog
or the meat wagon?

Susan...I've just had a bath,
I'm covered in cologne.

This specimen of manhood
walking into a gay bar

would be like a red rag to a bull.

- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Me too.

It's all right, you can go in.

It says ''no exceptions''.

Well, not no exceptions.

- Can I get you something?
- Oh, offering me a drink?

Yes, I'm a bartender, it's what I do.

I hate to disappoint you,
but actually I'm straight.

OK. Would you like a drink?

Look, let's cut through the flirtation
and the sexual tension, shall we?

Which is rather uncomfortable for me,
only end badly for you.

Truth is, I'm just here
to retrieve my son's phone.

Ah! I need to see some ID.

Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hardly old enough to have a son.

No, I just want to check
you're Michael's dad.

Here's my bus pa...driving licence.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, you don't give up, do you?

Since you won't leave it alone,
I'll have one beer, OK?

- One beer.
- Ten quid. Thanks.

I suppose it's good for business

when a man like me
has a beer here, hm?

- Change?
- What change?

That's it,
keep on walking, keep on walking...

Hello, is this seat free?

Ah, ha-ha, here we go again.

Um, yes, this seat is available,
but unfortunately I'm not.

Truth is, I'm straight.

So I can take it?

Back to the wall,
keep smiling, keep smiling.

Excuse me, can I ask you something?

Oh, I think I know where this is going.

- Look, the reality is...
- Is your name Stephen?

St... Er, no, Ben.

Oh, thank God! I was set up

on a blind date here with a Stephen
and I was afraid you were him.

No offence. You just never know
what your friends are thinking, right?

ID. No exceptions.

Oh, thank you very much(!)

Where you going, hot stuff?

- How was the bar?
- Fine!

- Everything go all right?
- Susan, can we,

just for once in our lives, go to sleep

without having
some interminable discussion?

You didn't get hit on, did you?

Can we just drop this?

- I don't know why you're laughing.
- Oh, I think you do.

Susan, as I am not gay myself,
would it not be

rather irrational and egotistical of me

if I were upset that a bunch
of gay guys weren't interested in me?

Yes, you would be irrational
and egotistical.

Anyway, maybe it's just my clothes.

I don't know,
maybe they're too baggy.

Oh, this is truly ridiculous,
even for you, Ben.

Maybe it's the shirt -

- should've tucked it in.
- Maybe you should've sucked it in.

May I remind you
that you're heterosexual?

Too much so, most of the time.

So why would you care
if men didn't notice you?

No, no, no, it's just
the principle of the thing.

But hang on, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you know, you're on to something.

Yeah, yeah, of course, that's it!

They weren't into me
cos I'm too straight!

I ooze heterosexuality.

It's practically seeping
out of my every pore.

Care to prove it?

Nah, you're all right.

Mummy, can I go outside and play?

- Absolutely not.
- Is it because I've been bad?

No, it's because you're so good!

- I'm not following you.
- That makes two of us.

I'm just trying to keep him safe, Mum.

People are speeding
through this neighbourhood.

I'll tell you what this street needs -
speed bumps!

That's a good idea. You should
petition the council for that.

You know, I should.

Yeah, I'll petition the council
and demand that they put in speed bumps

for the safety of our children.

Oh, God, listen to me.

When did I become responsible?

Janey, it goes with the territory
of being a good mother.

I'm a ''good mother'' now?

Don't worry, it stops when you get
the white wine out of the fridge.

But I used to be cool and hip.
Oh, God, I just said ''hip''.

What's happened to me? I'm turning
into a sad, old suburban housewife like...

Like who, dear?

Just lost my train of thought.

- Shield your eyes, everyone.
- Why?

Ow! Hey, babies!

Ladies and gentlemen...Bono!

Just thought I'd youth-en up
the old image a bit, you know?

Gotta stay hip, eh, Mikey?

Gotta stay cool. What do you think
of your granddad, eh, Kenzo?

What?

What's the matter with him?

He's scared of clowns.

He's too young to appreciate style.

All right, Ben, what's going on?

You're never too old
to be with it and trendy, Susan.

Does this have anything to do
with last night's little crisis?

Sorry, no idea what
you're talking about.

Hey, Mikey, why don't you and I go out
tonight and celebrate your birthday?

- My birthday was four months ago.
- Perfect. No problem. Come on.

Why don't we go to that bar
you like so much?

The gay one?

It's not! Is it? Really?

Oh, please...

OK, as a father, Mikey,
it's very important

that I support you in all your endeavours.

- Oh, you're so unselfish(!)
- Mock all you like, Susan,

but I will support my son,
no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

- I think I'll just go and change, Mikey.
- Do.

- Mum...
- Hm?

...if you'd had an affair,

and he's not my real dad,

now would be a great time to tell me.

I thought you said
you were going to change.

I tried, but I couldn't get
out of them, OK?

You know, Dad, it's weird to think
that all the way through my childhood,

I wanted you to come camping with me.
Now you are...

Look at this -
that is style, look at that.

What's his story, then?

- Hi, there, sexy.
- Haven't heard that for a while.

Not surprised, Granddad,
I was talking to him.

Give me a call, yeah?

What's that all about?

He gave you his card. What is...?

Youth, is it, that sells here,
does it, the hot commodity, youth?

What happened to life experience,
you know, sophistication?

Says the man
in the tight yellow T-shirt.

Talking of tight,

I think I need to get another drink -
give us a hand.

(MOBILE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Michael, what's happening down there?

Dad's standing there
looking like a traffic cone,

- and everyone's avoiding the accident.
- Has anyone hit on him yet?

Somebody spilled a beer on him.
Does that count?

Michael, you know your father.

His ego is hurting right now, as usual.

If no-one's paying him any attention,
he's going to get it into his head

that maybe he's not attractive.

But he's not attractive.

Just do me a favour
and get someone to hit on him.

What?!

Trust me,
he's not going to leave that place

until somebody makes a play for him.

Just to clarify,

my mother's asking me to find
a gay man to hit on my father?

Ask one of your friends to do it.

Oh, that makes it better.

I've finished. Yay!

I think I'll kill myself now.

That road is getting worse out there.

A little old lady
nearly got knocked down.

Now, if we had speed bumps,
I would have been going much slower.

Well, at least
you're doing something about it.

Yes, I am. I've been collecting
all the data, doing my research.

By the time I finish my presentation,
Mum, they won't be able to say no.

- I'm proud of you, darling.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

But ''traffic'' is spelt with two Fs.

Janey, Janey,
I've gotta talk to you.

- What?
- Oh, please, Sasha, do come in.

I've managed to score us tickets

to the Elle Magazine Style Awards party!

Sasha, you're the best!

You have no idea what I had to do
to get these tickets.

Oh, I could take a wild guess.

I'll pick you up Thursday night at eight?

Great.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Isn't Thursday the evening
you're petitioning for the speed bumps?

Oh, yeah...
Don't they meet every month?

Janey, you'd rather go to a party than
do something for the safety of your son?

Well, Kenzo's got to learn
not to play in traffic anyway, so...

OK, fine.

Sorry, Sasha.

Oh, that's all right,
I'm sure I'll manage to find

somebody else to dance with
Jude Law and Orlando Bloom.

I'm free.

Well, I am.

Ah, there you are, Mikey, Mikey,
ha-ha. Sorry, I've gotta leave -

nipples beginning to chafe.

Let's give it a few more minutes.

Sorry, Mikey, I'm beginning
to lose all sensation in my legs.

Well, hello, there.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Talking to him, I suppose?

I didn't know he was there.
No, I'm talking to you.

Oh! Really?

I've had my eye on you for some time.

Yeah, OK, fine.

Er, little awkward, OK.

I'm only here to support my gay son.

And, er, the truth is, I'm straight.

I like a challenge.

Here's my number. Call me.

Er. Sorry, here's my, um...

Here's my card. Just call me, OK?

If you need, er, dental work.

- Dental work?
- Yeah.

Oh! Understood.

Susan. Susan! Wake up, wake up!

- No, wake up, wake up, wake up!
- No.

No, wake up, wake up!

Look, Susan, look at me.

Look at me, Susan.

For a man my age, I am amazingly
well-preserved, am I not?

Like a mummy.

So, how was tonight's foray
to the gay bar?

Tragic, Susan, it was tragic.

Just as I feared, one of the poor fools
just threw himself at me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yep, wouldn't let me leave
until he gave me his card.

It's just...it's sad, so sad.

Can we put this to bed now?

- I mean, the little crisis, I mean?
- Well, I tell you what, babe.

I guess I've still got it, huh?

I never probably lost it.

Hey, care to fool around?

Wait a minute,
let me get this straight...as it were.

Now you're in the mood for it, having
been validated by the gay community?

Well, say what you will,
they do have taste.

My milk shake brings all
the boys to the yard.

Oh, please!

Are you going
to take those trousers off?

I can't.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Who can that be at this hour?

I don't know. Do the fashion police
make house calls?

Probably Michael,
forgotten where he lives again.

I'm going to go down
and give him a piece of my mind.

- Well?
- Give us a hand.

Thank you.

All right, get in here, get upstairs,

I don't want to hear another word,
just get yourself into bed!

Steady, tiger.

Rupert.

I followed you home! Too much?

Yep, yep, far too much.

I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Rupert, Rupert, this is very flattering,

and of course
I understand your infatuation,

it's perfectly natural, actually,
understandable, logical even...

Sorry, getting sidetracked...

Ah, here's the thing, I'm married

- and I have a wife upstairs right now.
- Out of the way, that's good.

No, no! It's not good.

Fine, go to her.
But you'll be thinking of me.

I will now.

- He actually came to the house?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, wouldn't leave.

He stayed on the porch all night
and gave a medley of show tunes.

I thought he was rather good.

He's been texting me all morning.

- The man is insane.
- Not necessarily.

He could have unlimited texting.

Oh, very funny, very... I'm glad
you're taking this seriously.

(BEEPING)

Oh, he's here again, he's here.
Look, look, look, look, look!

''Have a good day at work...honey.''

I must say, for a stalker,
he's a lot warmer than my wife.

Michael,
you have to talk to your friend.

- He's not my friend.
- What?

He's just some random guy
who said Dad looked nice.

I didn't know
he was going to be insane.

The clues were there.

OK, here we go. Right, morning.

What seems to be the problem?

I can't stay away.

- Rupert!
- Ben!

What are you doing here?

I booked an appointment. It was
the only way I could get to see you.

Look, look Rupert,
I know why you're doing this.

It's perfectly understandable.
I'm a handsome man.

But you're reacting to the physical
appearance, the outward shell.

You know, the...the...
flawless outward shell.

No, it's not that. This is far more
than just physical attraction.

I can tell you're deeply unhappy.

- What?
- I can see it in your eyes.

There is something missing in your life.

You see that, do you?

And your marriage. Your wife
doesn't appreciate the real you.

Well, that is true.

Why are you so against
having someone care for you?

The thing is...

I'm not.

Let's go to my place in Italy
for a few days...

No! No, no, no, no. No.

No. No. What part?

Tuscany.

Oh, very nice. Lovely.

No, I'm sorry. No, sorry, Rupert,
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Fine, I'll go,
but I'm not giving up.

One thing.

This place in Tuscany...

Yes, darling?

Never mind.

Janey! You'd better hurry or you're
going to be late for your meeting.

Coming, Mum.

Well, wish me luck.

- Want to hear my speech?
- That's what you're wearing?

Yeah.

Janey, you need
to present a certain image.

You should be wearing an outfit
that says, ''Take me seriously,''

not, ''Take me. Seriously.''

Listen, Mum, I am going to the meeting,

but straight afterwards
I'm going to the party.

Oh, Janey, you can't seriously
be putting a party

with Orlando Bloom before your son?
Where are your priorities?

My priority is and always has been
the safety and wellbeing of my son,

Orlando... Kenzo.

Look, Mum, I've thought about
everything you said, but I realise

there's no reason why I can't be
a good mother and have a good time.

I don't have to choose.
I can multitask and have it all.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Have you really thought
all this through?

- Course I have.
- Oh.

There she is!

(THEY SCREAM)

Are you ready for the hottest party
of the year?

Of course!

It is on!

We are about to meet
the sexiest men in London!

Come on!

Oh, by the way,
there is one small stop we have to make.

Oh, well, I don't care,
as long as there's lots of men there.

All those in favour of approving
the minutes of the last meeting,

please signify
by raising their right hand.

The motion is carried unanimously.

And the minutes from the last meeting
as recorded by the recording secretary

are now approved and will be entered
into the permanent record.

Make a note of that for me,
will you, please?

What?
I said there'd be men here, didn't I?

- These are for you.
- Oh, how nice!

They're from your stalker,
aren't they?

They're still flowers.
Susan, come on, I don't know what to do.

He came to the surgery today.

I mean, I can't shake the guy off.

Well, relax.

I'm getting involved.

What?

He phoned earlier, and I invited him
round for a drink and a bite to eat.

Brilliant!
You're going to poison him.

I'm not going to poison him.
I'm going to talk to him.

- Ah, good - slow death.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Susan, please,
you can't invite that madman

round to our house, he's insane.

- Rupert!
- Susan!

- Come in.
- Ben!

Oh!

It's so good of you to come, Rupert.

Please sit down, relax.

- Would you like a glass of wine?
- That would be lovely.

This is a very civilised way
for you to handle things, Susan.

There's certainly no reason
why you and I can't get on

just because your husband and I
have a connection.

Of course. I would never stand in the way
of my husband's primal needs.

Ben and I have always
had an open relationship.

News to me.

Such a wonderful attitude.

After all, just because we're both
interested in this magnificent beast...

He's talking about me.

I know!

And he has a house in Tuscany.

It would be absurd if you and I
got into some kind of catfight.

One I would win, by the way.

Not sure about that.

The thing is, Rupert,

I feel there's a lot you may not know
about the man you've fallen in love with.

- Like what?
- Oh, so many, many things.

- So I've decided to educate you.
- Oh.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

This is our wedding day.

- Lovely.
- Mm-hm.

And here we are on our honeymoon.

And here we are lying on the beach.

Ooh, who's got a hairy chest!

He's lying on his stomach -
that's his back.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

And that is why I, as a concerned mother,
beg the council

to install these inexpensive and most
necessary speed bumps on Lancaster Road,

for the protection of our children.

I trust you will do the right thing
and I trust you will do it quickly.

Can we go now?

Miss Harper, this is a major decision
that will need thought and care.

Installation of speed bumps
on the road in question, while desirable

from a safety point of view,
may require further analysis.

Kill me now.

And do you have any facts and figures
showing the statistical breakdown

of the amount of traffic flowing through
Lancaster Road subdivided by hour?

Oh, for God's sake.

Yes, yes, I do.

Just give me a moment...

And do you have you any schematics

showing the size, width and height
of the proposed bumps?

Yes, yes, I do. Just bear with me.

I can show you exactly
what they look like.

I see.

All those in favour?

The proposal is carried unanimously.

Really? Wow, thank you!

No, thank you.

And this video was taken
at the last wedding we attended.

I just wanted you to see
what Ben looks like when he's dancing.

I was trying to do the moonwalk.

They called the paramedics, Ben.

Look, I know
what you're trying to do, Susan,

but Ben and I are soul mates,
and I'm very much looking forward

to getting to know the person
on the inside.

Thank you, Rupert.

Good idea.

Let's learn about Ben on the inside.

Tell me, Rupert,
who's your favourite artist?

Well, um, I love Matisse,

but Renoir's later works
really speak to me.

Oh, that's a fine choice.

- And yours, Ben?
- Uh..

What, favourite...favourite artist? Uh...

Oh, if I had to pick one, er...

Yeah, that guy,
forgot his name, you know...

he...he's the one that did
the dogs playing poker.

Because, I mean,
the detail's amazing, cos, you know,

the dogs are actually wearing hats.

Disappointed?

Try getting it for Christmas.

What about modern art?
What do you think of Chagall?

Yeah, brilliant in Under Siege,
but he's no Van Damme.

Talking of films,
let's look at Ben's DVD collection.

Here we are.

Oh! Gigi, West Side Story,
Gone With The Wind.

No, no, no, those are mine.
Ben's are at the back.

Jeremy Clarkson's Extreme Machines.

That's what you'll be cuddling up to
on a Friday night.

Oh, Ben.

Now, let's talk about leisure time.

What do you like to do
on a typical Sunday, Rupert?

Oh, I love to sniff around a farmers'
market and browse antique shops,

and then possibly treat myself
to a long lunch in a brasserie.

Ben, what do you like
to do on a Sunday?

- You're holding it.
- Hmm?

Argh!

All right, kick with what foot you like,
but when Jezza...

Jezza hits the gas
on a Bugatti Veyron,

I defy anyone
not to get a tingle up their legs.

Believe me, Rupert,

when I first met Ben,
I went through the same disappointment.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

He's not going to change.

He's not? ...You're not?

Honestly, Rupert,
you're dodging a bullet.

Now, tell me, what farmers' market
do you like to go to?

Oh, there's a wonderful one
in Cobham.

Oh, yes! Do you know the bread place
on the corner?

Oh, isn't their ciabatta
just the right side of moist?

Sometimes I spend a whole day there.
I'm surprised I haven't seen you there.

- Well, maybe next Sunday?
- Oh, that would be lovely.

Oh, look at the time!
I'm so sorry, I must dash.

Oh, must you go so soon?

I'm going to the opera at Covent Garden.

- Oh, what are you seeing?
- I'm seeing Cosi Fan Tutte.

- It's my favourite!
- Oh, that's my favourite!

Well, maybe see you Sunday. Bye!

Your stalker seems nice.

I'm sorry things didn't work out
between you two.

Huh, I don't care. I don't care!

I'm not gay.

- Ben, are you crying?
- No, no. No.

Just got something in my eye.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yeah...

Oh, Rupert! I knew you'd come back.

I'm not here for you. ...Susan?

Rupert.

What's going on here?

- Rupert's taking me to Tuscany.
- Tuscany?

Just for two days.

You walk out of this door now,
you're never coming back!

- It's only two days.
- I was talking to Rupert!