Original subtitles

(gun cocks)

MAN: (echoing laughter)

(tense music)

* *

(laughter continues)

Just give it up, Fabian.

MAN: (echoing laughter)

* *

(laughter continues)

-(gunshot blasts) -Ow!

-Aww, man. -(bell dings)

(cheers and applause)

Dang it. This was my year

for the Agent Skills Competition.

I put it on my vision board and everything.

-Next to the sunset? -Above the sunset.

Wow. I can't believe that didn't work.

Well, maybe next time-- and I know this sounds crazy--

you could try not sucking.

Well, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Have to? No.

But then I wouldn't be able to tell you

that the Treaty of Versailles called,

and it wants its total failure to achieve any

of its stated goals back.

Also, it's sorry about Europe.

Well, if you're so great, why is your intel so bad?

My name's not Fabian.

Oh, I know that. That's my boss's name.

Yelling it gets me in the mood to shoot people

that I pretend are him.

-Well, you got lucky. -Sure.

Though, in a mirror maze, maybe consider

not putting on a gallon of cologne that smells like...

(sniffs) Gasoline and decaying hobo foot.

(gun cocks)

Ow.

-Now what was that for? -You're still wearing it.

(main title theme)

* *

*

Hello, Clandesti-con,

where spying meets sweaty buffet food.

Who wants a brochure for IIA,

the soulless company that is making us do this?

Come on, Lana. Let's have some fun with it.

We'll take these lemons and make--

Concentrated citric acid to spray in our own eyes?

I have some in my purse if you need it.

This isn't so bad. When I temped at IIA,

they were trying to increase productivity,

so they docked your pay if you peed more than twice a day.

Ugh. I hate this company.

Nice job in the competition, Archer.

Though calling your opponent "Fabian" raised eyebrows.

These two specifically.

Well, despite the fact that you're praising me,

which makes it nearly impossible for me

to not like you, I still definitely wanna murder you.

Today is a crucial day for all of you.

We are launching The Agency

as a distinct boutique branch of IIA.

Wait, really? We'll have autonomy?

Yes. Exactly as much autonomy as Kermit the Frog.

Yo, you think Miss Piggy is abusing him?

I know she plays rough, but--

I get the feeling he enjoys it.

Who wouldn't? Roughed up by a pig in jewelry.

No. I mean you'll be a thin piece of fabric

with my hand up your ass.

Where's your sense of wonder?

IIA represents 60% of private spying,

but some clients are too mired in the past.

They want a personal touch. Authenticity.

That's what you lot are for-- to fake that.

So pretend we're independent to make IIA more successful

and allow you to ruthlessly exploit us.

Welcome to the concept of a job.

Now, I'm giving the keynote for the conference later today:

a speech entitled "Leadership as a Network."

You can't just say "noun as a different noun"

and pretend that it means something.

Sure I can. I call it "language as a weapon."

Now, Archer, you need to win

the Agent Skills Competition

if we're going to launch The Agency properly.

By the way, the board hates the idea.

They'd rather you were completely broken up

and redistributed.

So, Archer, our fate is in your hands.

-Well, sayonara, guys. -Oh, boy.

You know what? I'll be honest with you.

That's a responsibility I take very seriously.

Round of Glengoolie Blues, please.

I'm looking for one of you

to take the mantle of leadership.

Under me, of course. So dot, dot, dot.

Are the dots supposed to make me love stickers?

Damn it! I should be in the competition with Archer!

No, Lana. I need you here,

front and center.

And don't be afraid to get out there

and really be diverse.

Remember, a personal touch.

-(smacks) -You heard him, sweetheart.

A personal touch.

Hey, would you like some stickers?

-They're edible. -They don't look edible.

Anything's edible if you try hard enough.

-(grunting) -Aww, lucky.

Should we do something?

Like make popcorn? Or what?

-(client gurgles) -Now where is she going?

-(grunting) -(bell dings)

I think you got me.

See? You just get me. I do feel a responsibility

to keep my mother's legacy alive,

but on the other hand, now I don't have to worry about being

yelled at by the one person in the world who scares me.

So do I go with responsibility, or do I go balls to the wall?

Or, more accurately, balls to the wall

then through that wall into an adjoining wall

that's probably load-bearing.

(jazz music playing)

So...which is it?

(exhales)

I'm thinking.

(cheers and applause)

ROBERT: I thought that was you, Lana.

-Finally. -Robert? What the hell?

Did you just fly all the way to Dubai

to hear me say, "Talk to my divorce lawyer"?

Yes. And was on the way to Abu Dhabi.

Now, I get that I'm the one who's mostly at fault here--

-Mostly? -But you aren't blameless.

And we need to think about what's best for AJ.

Oh-ho-ho. Is that why you nailed that skank?

For AJ? What, were you looking for a parenting book

between her piss flaps?

No. That's not where they keep those.

What are you even worried about?

We signed a prenup.

Well, there is the issue of custody.

Excuse me?

I'm just being realistic.

It was your job that got AJ kidnapped.

To a judge, that sounds like an unsafe environment.

And if they put AJ on the stand,

are you 100% sure she chooses you?

Why do you have teeth marks on your elbow?

I'll show you. Do you like stickers?

I'm sensing you need space.

-What? -Shouldn't you be

back at the booth?

No, because what I do is kick ass.

And I should be in the competition

so I can take over when Archer screws up.

Come, now. Archer is reliable when he needs to be.

He's resting right now for his next round.

Uh, did he specify the type of round?

ARCHER: Whoo-hoo!

(swallowing)

(laughs)

I'm not totally convinced that's a downside.

It's like his liver absorbs alcohol and excretes luck.

Having said that, you can stay in the competition.

Thank you. I was going to anyway,

you absolute turd.

But thank you.

ARCHER: The competition is basically a formality.

I'm generally considered the world's greatest spy.

Yes. You absolutely were.

You know, I used to be a spy just like you.

Oh, who'd you spy for, the Etruscans?

Hmm. Indeed.

In this biz, one minute, you're the greatest thing

since the 3:00 p.m. dinner special,

and the next, dog shit on a bun.

My advice? Buy mustard, lad.

Why would I buy mustard to eat myself?

So you think about that.

Ugh. Why are you in such a great mood?

Why don't you ask your face? (laughs)

My face says Robert's gonna fight for custody of AJ.

-Um, can he do that? -(phone beeps)

Well, when you have that much money,

turns out you can pretty much do anything.

Why is AJ not picking up?

A kid not picking up a phone call?

Weird. Did you try her telegraph?

Or lighting the signal fires of Gondor?

(sighs) Why is everything so complicated?

Because you're divorcing one of the world's richest men-

slash-ex-boss who wants custody of the daughter you had

-with a different coworker. -Well, sure, but--

All while you work for a corporate behemoth

that seems to be trying to take over the world.

Yes. All of that. I guess.

Well, I discovered the answer to all those problems, Lana.

It's simple, it's easy,

and it's right at the bottom of this glass.

(clink)

Well, it wasn't at the bottom of that one,

But I'm no quitter.

Behold, an audio bug.

Ooh.

And that's all it does. The wonders of IIA science.

A microphone. Truly groundbreaking--

for 1876.

Hey, what's that new one you're working on called?

-The wheel? -(both laugh)

DR. ZOLA: Got 'em good, Ikari.

I am working on something called The Wheel!

But it's a sex thing...

that I can't build at work. And you call that justice?

Okay, look, I get it.

IIA might not be the "cool upstart rebel,"

but this ain't The Breakfast Club,

and Judd Nelson doesn't end up with Molly Ringwald.

He ends up at the bottom of a lake wearing concrete shoes

with my frickin' initials on them.

That's the power of IIA with The Agency

as your personal concierge.

I'm intrigued.

And tell them Ray Gillette sent you.

Wh--stealing my customers? Really?

You think that'll get you Mallory's chair?

All's fair in love and--

-Ow! -Ahh!

-Damn it! -(clears throat)

Where the hell'd you come from?

A good leader always keeps tabs on his team.

So spying on us?

How is it that passing out brochures

is somehow beyond you?

And why are you standing there nodding?

I said I wanted leadership.

You look like a bobblehead they give away

to raise awareness for diabetic librarians.

Technically, I'm prediabetic.

Oh, what are we gonna do about that guy?

Complain and then nothing?

This is fun. Ask me another one.

Here's some fun. I just put a bug on Fabian.

If we get dirt on him,

maybe then he'll approve my design for the gun bomb.

You see, it looks like a gun--

Or improve working conditions.

Yeah. We were promised curated snacks.

At this point, your blood's just melted Otter Pops, huh?

Well, you guys have fun.

I'm off to find the best part about every convention:

the party room.

Oh, if Fabian comes back, tell him he can gnaw on my chode.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm not gonna tell him that.

Come on. Let's hear some bottles popping,

maybe some fun squishy noises.

Whoa. Now, that's contraband.

(mysterious music)

Not following you. I'm not following you.

Just checking stuff out.

(door squeaks)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's ready to Pam-page?

(guns cocking)

Oh. Wrong party.

Hey, get her!

(men grunting)

(laughs)

I need to party at work more often.

We are gonna crush this next event.

Whoa. Lana.

High-fiving is one of those things

you should never do when drunk,

like bomb disposal or helping deliver a baby.

Haven't you done both of those?

That's how I know.

All right. Now, nobody worry,

'cause Archer and I have been resting--

-Ahh! -Shit!

(panting) Guys, there was a room.

Guns--lots.

Like, they're probably coming.

Kind of sounds like you're coming.

Kaboom! (laughs) That's a new thing I do.

No, you don't. And it doesn't even sound like that.

-How would you know? -Solid burn.

But Pam, look at the security here.

They don't allow guns on the floor,

so what would they even do?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, guys.

Something's happening with Fabian.

FABIAN: No! You'll pay for this!

-(clattering) -You'll never take me alive!

(grunting)

Okay, so you took me alive.

So, uh...what?

Okay, now that we've had a moment to process--what?

Why are they kidnapping him?

They're probably trying to humiliate IIA.

It's right before his speech,

so they'll have to admit he's kidnapped,

and if they can't protect their own,

then how are they gonna protect you?

Then they parade him, and then they kill him.

What? We were all thinking it.

Does this solve everything?

Yeah, except he said that the board would break us up

and redistribute us.

Wait, are we actually gonna save Fabian?

No. We're gonna save Fabian.

You two have to win that competition.

We still need a splash for The Agency.

Plus if you dropped out,

the kidnappers will know something's up.

Ugh. I really wish I hadn't had that many drinks.

Me too, but the opposite.

So what's your next event?

(propellers whirring)

WOMAN: Nearing the drop zone.

If you are to die, please take comfort in the fact

that it will not upset me at all.

-(dramatic music) -(rumbling)

Ugh. Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Wow. Is it Dartmouth freshman orientation already?

Seriously, if you were any more of a lightweight,

you'd be levitating.

Should we be, like... (retches)

More concerned about this Fabian thing?

Nah. The rest of the gang is on it.

-(dramatic music) -Well, we could--

Ooh, or we could, um...

I hate to ask, but who got kidnapped again?

Still no call back from AJ.

Okay, I'll just text her and tell her that I'll take her out

this weekend and do whatever she wants.

(makes buzzer sound) Wrong.

You just demanded more time from her,

and now she just resents you.

Text her that you were just thinking of her

and how proud you are.

Then write, "No need to respond."

How do you know this stuff?

It helps that I've never moved

past emotional adolescence.

This event is very simple.

Five briefcases. Five spots in the finals.

No weapons. Any question?

(dramatic music)

(grunting)

ARCHER: Whoo-hoo!

Johnny Utah!

(both grunt)

LANA: Excuse me.

-Excuse me. -(grunts)

LANA: Pardon me. Pardon me.

Oh, 'scuse me. Pardon me.

(grunts)

(both grunt)

(grunts)

Falkor, away!

(grunts)

* *

Oh, ahh!

I guess we're interpreting "no weapons" pretty liberally.

(both grunting)

(stomach rumbles) (groans)

Ahh! Disgusting!

Uh, let's not tell anyone about this.

AGENT: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

* *

(both grunting)

Decent trade.

WOMAN: Altitude warning. Pull now.

(alarm beeping)

-Ahh! -You big baby.

Just use your backup chute.

(thuds)

Unless we were way lower than I thought.

Really should have been keeping tabs on that.

Oh, well.

-CYRIL: Well, what? -CHERYL: Well, catch me up.

You've been here the whole time.

Quiet down.

We're trying to flirt our way to finding out

who booked that conference room full of dudes and guns.

And striking out. 0 for 2.

I don't know, y'all. I can't get a read.

He's like a sexual Rubik's Cube.

Or as I call it, a Rubik's Cube.

Huh. Maybe I should give him a try.

I've developed a sexual nervous system stimulator

I call "The Wheel."

Okay, I'll bite. Why is it called The Wheel?

Because once it gets rolling, there's no stopping it.

Any other ideas?

Literally anything.

(sighs) Can I help any of you

in some way that does not involve, and I quote,

"a hot beef enema"?

-That wasn't me! -I panicked!

Just stand right there. Hold on.

-(machine whirs) -Keep standing.

Really, I don't have time for--

-And you're overwhelmed. -Oh. Oh. Ahh.

Ahh, ahh, ahh. Ahh!

Got it! Whoever booked the conference room

-is staying in the Sultan Suite. -CLERK: Ahh! Ahh! Oh!

You ever lend that thing out?

Sure. Just clear your schedule,

because it goes for, like, a couple of days.

CLERK: Oh.

So we enter, clear the guards--

With what? We don't have guns.

Guys, in the dealer's hall.

There's a ton of non-lethals in there.

Tasers, air hammers, something called a knife light.

Well, then let's get sampling.

All right. We're in the finals.

It's getting intense. They tried to kill us up there.

-How are things here? -Great.

We've located Fabian and the kidnappers,

and we've got a plan to get them back.

You do? I was assuming you'd fail.

And why would you think that?

Because you're you?

-This was the plan! -I didn't think it would work.

Are we really saving this guy? He sucks.

I hate him, and he's gonna make us do bad jobs

-for terrible people. -You think I want this?

All I want is to do my job and go home.

But if we get fired, that's not gonna help my custody problem.

Custody problem?

If you need me to give Robert a personal tour

of an industrial thresher, say the word.

-No. -Got it.

-No, you don't. -(whispers) Okay.

But, I mean, saving Fabian is the only way we stay together.

-Right? -We'll figure the rest out,

but not if we're separated.

Y'all--y'all are family.

Oh, my God. Is this what it's come to?

Acting responsibly?

Ugh. Fine. Let's go save a jerk's life,

thereby making the world a worse place.

Yay for the good guys.

Should we even do the competition?

If you drop out now, the kidnappers will know

something's up and kill Fabian.

So what's the final event?

Gonne be hard to top skydiving.

-(cheers and applause) -WOMAN: And now,

it's time to reveal the final event

of the Clandesti-con Agent Skills Competition.

Your final event will be

King of the Train!

(cheers and applause)

Holy shit.

Forget responsibility. I'm gonna be king of the train.

(cheers and applause)

Stay on your toes.

One of us has to win to keep The Agency alive and--

Uh, yeah. Whatever.

I'm gonna be king of the train. Toot toot!

Ugh. Everyone in position?

Yeah. But this stuff from the dealer's hall

isn't the most intimidating.

I don't even know what this does.

-(sprays) -(coughing)

Yeah, we're gonna need a few minutes.

ARCHER: I'll signal you at the start.

Chances are, they'll be distracted watching

the closed-circuit feed of my glorious victory.

-(lights boom) -If you touch the ground

or get hit by a paintball, you're out.

You start with no weapons,

but you may find some at points on the train,

as well as a few surprises.

Now, the time has come

to find the most skilled agent in the world.

(dramatic music)

(knocking on door)

WOMAN: Three. Two. One.

-Begin! -(grunts)

-(Taser clicks) -(both groan)

-Shocking. -(thuds)

-Kaboom! -(energy blasts)

-Ahh! -(grunts)

(grunts) Whoa!

(grunts)

* *

(gunshots blasting)

(glass shatters)

(gun clicks)

-(whistling) -(grunts)

Ahh! (grunting)

-(groans) -(mist spritzes)

-Ahh! -(laser buzzes)

Oh, knife light! Now I get it.

Hold still, Cirque du Suck Ass!

(dramatic music)

We're leaving. Nobody move, or Fabian gets it.

(grunts) Do what he says!

(cheers and applause)

(mechanical whirring)

Archer! Duck!

Ooh.

Ugh.

God. You couldn't just duck?

You know I have trust issues, Lana,

which you are partially responsible for.

-How? -I don't know,

but it feels right!

* *

(gunshots blast)

Oh, now she has a jetpack and a machine gun?

How is that fair?

(mechanical whir)

(explosion booms)

(audience gasps)

-Still want that jetpack? -I know you want me to say no,

but the answer is still yes!

* *

(gun clicks)

PAM: We need backup!

They're bringing Fabian to the floor!

-Throw me the gun! -It's empty!

Just throw it to me!

(laughs) Man, this is such a bad idea.

-(gears grind) -(explosion booms)

-Whoa! -(grunts)

-(crashing) -(audience exclaims)

(crashing)

(both scream)

ARCHER: Look out!

* *

Everyone, this is what we think of IIA.

Lana. Lana.

Do something! Lana, I know you're faking.

No. I'm very, very unconscious.

Why am I always the responsible one?

And so I don't shoot Fabian for me.

-I shoot him for-- -Ahh! (grunts)

WOMAN: What an amazing performance.

Congratulations to the king of the train,

Agent Lana Kane,

representing The Agency, a boutique subsidiary of IIA.

-God damn it. -Thank you.

Thank you. You're too kind.

And great work by The Agency.

-(applause) -Now, that was obviously

a fake kidnapping and assassination,

but they didn't know that.

In fact, this was the demonstration portion

of my talk, "Leadership as a Network."

I turned this unruly bunch into a finely-honed fighting force.

Sterling Archer himself stepped between me and a bullet

despite the fact that he hates my guts.

That is the power of leadership.

(applause)

Well, thank you all

for helping me with my speech.

So who gets to be head of The Agency?

I gave away the most brochures. Kaboom.

Jesus, Cyril. Not the time.

But it's me, right? See me lead that mission?

Actually, it's Agent Gillette.

So, uh, what?

Because he understood the true mission.

He's been gathering dirt on all of you for years,

which he has compiled in this very convenient binder.

Like "Pam once snuck a goat into the office.

-No one knows why." -I was fostering it.

And the next week, she brought in

goat meat tacos for everyone.

That goat's personality was very toxic.

Well, I'm sure you have a lot to talk about.

You backstabbing son of a bitch.

In my defense, I did not know he was gonna tell everybody.

Aww. Heh.

Look.

You know, you're good at this, Archer.

It'll take time, but maybe you should get more involved.

You're right. And, you know,

I didn't wanna let you win,

but up there on the train, I suddenly had this idea--

being declared the best agent in the world.

That's gotta help your custody case for AJ.

And that keeps her in my life.

Aww. Buddy, that won't affect the case at all.

They don't consider that kind of thing.

God damn it. That's it!

I've learned a very valuable lesson today.

Making the responsible choice is for suckers.

Until now, I've been the careful, restrained,

subtle, rule-respecting Archer.

-What? -But that is over!

Welcome to the new Archer.

I'm gonna go find two bottles of whiskey, three women,

a full-color illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra,

and six gallons of orange sports drink.

I will see you all one: when I feel like it,

and two: in hell!

God damn it.

* *

Made in Georgia.

Captioned by Captionmax

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0