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1
00:00:16,287 --> 00:00:18,517
- Good morning.
- You being sarcastic?
2
00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:20,558
- Yes.
- Good. Good morning.
3
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:25,525
You're being very loquacious today.
4
00:00:28,247 --> 00:00:30,886
- What?
- It means you're eating a lot.
5
00:00:30,927 --> 00:00:32,804
I know what it means.
6
00:00:32,847 --> 00:00:35,645
Abi's got a job interview at the college library.
7
00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:38,645
Yes, I'm learning the dictionary.
Build up my vocabulary.
8
00:00:38,687 --> 00:00:41,121
Really? You're building it on quicksand?
9
00:00:42,727 --> 00:00:46,117
Don't undermine her, Ben.
She needs to appear intelligent.
10
00:00:46,167 --> 00:00:48,362
Have you considered prosthetics?
11
00:00:49,647 --> 00:00:52,207
Prosthetics. What's that?
12
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:54,920
Look at this mess.
I've got a tour to give in an hour.
13
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:56,764
I'll never do all these dishes.
14
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:59,924
Don't worry,
they'll be there when you get back.
15
00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:03,960
Oh, goody. I'll do the short tour today,
just to get back to the sheer pleasure
16
00:01:04,007 --> 00:01:07,920
of scraping egg off the plates of slobs
who can't be arsed to do it themselves.
17
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:11,323
Now, listen. Listen, listen,
we're very disappointed in you two.
18
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,006
I'm speaking to you, as well.
19
00:01:14,047 --> 00:01:16,766
- I do my share of the cleaning.
- Oh. Like what?
20
00:01:16,807 --> 00:01:19,765
Last night I told Michael to take out the rubbish.
21
00:01:19,807 --> 00:01:21,798
- You did not.
- I shouldn't have to.
22
00:01:22,967 --> 00:01:25,242
I'm tired of being treated like a servant.
23
00:01:25,287 --> 00:01:28,279
Hey, servants don't
get to sleep with the boss.
24
00:01:29,807 --> 00:01:31,320
Lucky them.
25
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:34,882
(Giggling) Prosthetics.
26
00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:36,838
I get it.
27
00:01:38,007 --> 00:01:40,123
That's not funny.
28
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:44,206
- I was being facetious.
- Facetious, facetious...
29
00:01:44,247 --> 00:01:47,205
- Anyone got the sports section?
- I've got it, Dad.
30
00:01:47,247 --> 00:01:48,965
Anyone?
31
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:51,805
I said it's here. I was checking
the football results.
32
00:01:51,847 --> 00:01:53,644
Football? You?
33
00:01:53,687 --> 00:01:55,518
Yes, me.
34
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,000
Football?
35
00:01:57,047 --> 00:02:01,723
I'm after this girl at school who's into football.
Thought I'd impress her if I learnt a bit.
36
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,519
- Football?
- A girl?
37
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,364
Impress?
38
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,443
D'you hear that, Susan?
39
00:02:08,487 --> 00:02:12,116
My boy has finally taken an interest in football.
40
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,442
Yes, I heard it. And I find it interesting
41
00:02:14,487 --> 00:02:17,957
- that suddenly Michael is your boy.
- Yes, that's right, he's mine.
42
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:21,363
- Not yours. Mine.
- Let's forget I said anything.
43
00:02:21,407 --> 00:02:24,046
- Oh, I've prayed for this moment.
- I've gotta go.
44
00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:26,555
D'you hear that, Susan?
My boy has... gotta go.
45
00:02:28,007 --> 00:02:29,725
Ben, you're scaring him.
46
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:32,884
This is my chance
for the kind of father-and-son bonding
47
00:02:32,927 --> 00:02:34,804
I never had with Janey.
48
00:02:34,847 --> 00:02:37,566
Or with the... with the thing.
49
00:02:37,607 --> 00:02:39,837
- Would you hand me those plates?
- Not now.
50
00:02:39,887 --> 00:02:43,243
I've got to go and...
find... something else to do.
51
00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:45,755
Oh, fine, don't worry
about clearing the table.
52
00:02:45,807 --> 00:02:49,117
I can do it. After I've folded the clothes,
descaled the kettle
53
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:53,080
- and hoovered your crumbs off the sofa.
- Don't forget the dishes.
54
00:02:55,327 --> 00:02:58,080
Ben is being very antediluvian.
55
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,283
I've gone back to A.
56
00:03:02,327 --> 00:03:04,841
If you want a word to describe Ben,
57
00:03:04,887 --> 00:03:06,684
look under C.
58
00:03:10,527 --> 00:03:13,917
- Thank you so much for coming.
- It was nice meeting you.
59
00:03:13,967 --> 00:03:17,118
And you, too. A good cleaner
is so hard to come by.
60
00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:20,159
- And you're through to the next round.
- Thank you.
61
00:03:20,207 --> 00:03:22,562
Oh, I nearly forgot.
62
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:25,519
Smile. Thank you.
63
00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:27,558
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
64
00:03:29,407 --> 00:03:33,366
Martha. Candidate number 127.
65
00:03:34,327 --> 00:03:36,124
(Doorbell)
66
00:03:40,647 --> 00:03:43,002
Hello. I'm here about the cleaner position.
67
00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:46,643
You're hired.
68
00:03:46,687 --> 00:03:48,598
Michael, I'll handle this.
69
00:03:48,647 --> 00:03:50,603
Mum. Mum, please, hire her.
70
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,956
- My room's filthy.
- So is your mind.
71
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:57,158
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem.
72
00:03:57,207 --> 00:03:59,198
- I'm Anne.
- Oh, yes, of course.
73
00:03:59,247 --> 00:04:01,238
- Please, do come in.
- Thanks.
74
00:04:01,287 --> 00:04:03,278
Make yourself comfortable.
75
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:06,160
- I've just made tea.
- OK, thanks.
76
00:04:12,287 --> 00:04:15,006
Oh, yeah, that's what I call a welcome home.
77
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,083
- (Shrieks)
- Oh!
78
00:04:17,127 --> 00:04:19,197
- Erm, who are you?
- Who are you?
79
00:04:19,247 --> 00:04:20,965
Oh, I'm... (Laughs nervously)
80
00:04:21,007 --> 00:04:23,646
- Have you met Anne?
- I've just had the pleasure.
81
00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:27,236
Not the pleasure. It was a pleasure.
You're lovely, but I couldn't...
82
00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:29,198
Oh, my God.
83
00:04:29,247 --> 00:04:31,397
Before we get down to it...
84
00:04:31,447 --> 00:04:34,200
I'll just, erm... Smile.
85
00:04:34,247 --> 00:04:37,284
I've heard about
you bored suburban couples.
86
00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:43,678
Nice meeting you.
87
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:49,004
You might have told me
you were interviewing cleaners.
88
00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:52,005
I might have. But I knew
you would have said no.
89
00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:54,800
If you knew I was gonna say no,
why did you go ahead?
90
00:04:54,847 --> 00:04:57,156
Because you didn't say no.
91
00:04:57,207 --> 00:05:00,643
I don't know why you have
this irrational hatred for cleaners.
92
00:05:00,687 --> 00:05:03,997
I don't hate them.
I just don't think we need one.
93
00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:06,402
Oh. And what's this?
94
00:05:06,447 --> 00:05:10,042
Oh, a wayward sock over a lampshade
isn't good enough reason
95
00:05:10,087 --> 00:05:11,645
to hire an expensive cleaner.
96
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:13,359
Especially when we've got kids.
97
00:05:13,407 --> 00:05:16,319
We didn't have kids
in order to provide cheap labour.
98
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:18,437
They are not cheap.
99
00:05:18,487 --> 00:05:20,637
Look, darling, I know how hard you work
100
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,759
looking after me, the house
and the kids and the...
101
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,526
I probably don't say it enough,
but I do appreciate it.
102
00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:29,240
- Mm, that's nice.
- Yeah.
103
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,801
- We're getting a cleaner.
- We don't need one.
104
00:05:31,847 --> 00:05:35,920
Look, I promise from now on
I'll make more of an effort around the house.
105
00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:38,925
- Thank you, Ben.
- Yeah.
106
00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:41,401
Starting in... the bedroom.
107
00:05:41,447 --> 00:05:43,244
Mm...
108
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:46,916
- Mm, that would be nice.
- Mm.
109
00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:49,640
Too bad I'm too tired
from cleaning the house.
110
00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:52,723
Good night.
111
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:56,077
OK, you win, we'll hire a cleaner.
But I don't wanna be involved.
112
00:05:56,127 --> 00:05:57,958
- Lovely.
- Oh, good.
113
00:05:58,007 --> 00:06:00,202
I told her she starts tomorrow.
114
00:06:04,727 --> 00:06:07,116
- Good morning!
- Martha, you're here early.
115
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,964
I like to get a jump on the day.
116
00:06:09,007 --> 00:06:12,761
I took the liberty of laying the table,
unless you prefer breakfast in bed.
117
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,196
- Actually...
- Down here will be fine.
118
00:06:15,247 --> 00:06:19,001
- Martha, this is my husband, Ben.
- Pleased to meet you, Mr Harper.
119
00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:20,958
Is that eggy bread?
120
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:23,519
Oh...
121
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:29,565
Oh, I've not had eggy bread
since I was a boy.
122
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:32,523
Oh, God, it's... Oh!
123
00:06:34,607 --> 00:06:37,804
It feels like my taste buds
have been brought back from the dead
124
00:06:37,847 --> 00:06:40,042
and then died and gone to heaven.
125
00:06:40,087 --> 00:06:42,999
Martha, we just really need help
with the cleaning.
126
00:06:43,047 --> 00:06:47,006
- Normally, I handle all the cooking.
- Susan, let the woman do her job.
127
00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:50,801
Mm... Oh, God, this coffee is so...
128
00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:53,361
I mean, my knees have gone weak.
129
00:06:53,407 --> 00:06:56,763
Would you and the coffee
like to get a room?
130
00:06:56,807 --> 00:07:00,686
I just added a dash of hazelnut
and a smidge of Tahitian vanilla.
131
00:07:00,727 --> 00:07:03,366
Oh! Are you taking notes, Susan?
132
00:07:04,607 --> 00:07:07,804
- Yes. A dash and a smidge.
- Ah! Look at this.
133
00:07:07,847 --> 00:07:10,486
- This is my boy, Mikey.
- Michael.
134
00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:13,883
- Hello, Michael.
- Mikey is a budding footballer.
135
00:07:13,927 --> 00:07:18,842
- No, I'm not.
- (Chuckling) Hey, nice football!
136
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:22,197
- Let me show you a few moves.
- No, Dad. You'll get it dirty.
137
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:26,843
The main point of football is to get dirty,
caked in mud and possibly injured.
138
00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:29,526
- Come on.
- No! I want it to look good for Kate.
139
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,876
You're joking, right?
140
00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:34,600
Don't listen to him.
I think your ball is very pretty.
141
00:07:34,647 --> 00:07:36,763
Pretty? Pretty?
142
00:07:36,807 --> 00:07:38,684
It's a football!
143
00:07:38,727 --> 00:07:41,116
There's nothing pretty about football.
144
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:44,557
- David Beckham is pretty.
- It... Oh, G... Give me the ball.
145
00:07:44,607 --> 00:07:48,236
- Don't let him bully you.
- He wants to impress Kate, doesn't he?
146
00:07:48,287 --> 00:07:50,278
- Erm, all right.
- There.
147
00:07:50,327 --> 00:07:51,521
- Ben.
- What?
148
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:55,003
This is the first time I've known
more about something than Michael
149
00:07:55,047 --> 00:07:57,117
since... I don't know when.
150
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,919
I do.
151
00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:01,117
- Come on, Mikey.
- All right.
152
00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:04,318
- But no football in the kitchen.
- You're right.
153
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,358
In the sitting room.
154
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:12,324
Hey, hey! Look, this is the goal,
you are a keeper. Come on, pay attention.
155
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,961
- If you break it, you buy it.
- I already bought it.
156
00:08:15,007 --> 00:08:18,363
- Not with your blood.
- I was a bit of a Pelé in my day.
157
00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:21,638
Michael, I'm gonna place this ball
past your grasping hands
158
00:08:21,687 --> 00:08:24,804
on the fourth step on the stair,
three inches to the left.
159
00:08:24,847 --> 00:08:27,156
- (Whimpers)
- Bobby Moore decoy!
160
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,756
Pay attention, boy. Ha! Ha!
Yes, and...
161
00:08:30,807 --> 00:08:31,876
Ow!
162
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:37,845
Goal! Yes! One-nil!
163
00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:38,956
One, two, three...
164
00:08:39,007 --> 00:08:40,918
(Piercing whistle)
165
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:42,798
Referee!
166
00:08:46,087 --> 00:08:48,157
Cacophonous.
167
00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:51,756
Marked by a mingling
of discordant sounds.
168
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:55,163
Excellent.
We'll make a librarian of you yet.
169
00:08:57,567 --> 00:09:00,365
Multi... fariousness.
170
00:09:01,527 --> 00:09:02,960
- The...
- Mm?
171
00:09:03,007 --> 00:09:05,646
- The...
- Biscuits?
172
00:09:05,687 --> 00:09:07,678
- Oh, yes, please!
- No!
173
00:09:07,727 --> 00:09:09,718
Not until she finishes the word.
174
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:14,079
I'm sorry to be the strict taskmaster,
but it's only one day until your interview.
175
00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:17,878
Think, Abi. Think!
176
00:09:19,207 --> 00:09:22,165
- Multifariousness.
- Mm.
177
00:09:22,207 --> 00:09:24,960
- The quality or state of...
- Mm?
178
00:09:25,007 --> 00:09:28,238
...of...
- Oh...
179
00:09:28,287 --> 00:09:32,166
- Oh, is this really necessary?
- I'm afraid it is.
180
00:09:32,207 --> 00:09:37,918
State of... of... being composed
of different parts or elements.
181
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:41,039
- By George, Martha, I think she's got it!
- She's got it!
182
00:09:41,087 --> 00:09:43,078
I've got it!
183
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,518
Am I interrupting?
184
00:09:50,487 --> 00:09:52,717
(Muffled) I've just got multifariousness!
185
00:09:53,647 --> 00:09:57,435
I feel just like Henry Higgins.
And you are my Eliza Doolittle.
186
00:09:57,487 --> 00:09:59,842
And you are Eliza's...
187
00:09:59,887 --> 00:10:02,117
cook friend.
188
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:04,601
And... who am I?
189
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:07,445
Well, you're Susan.
190
00:10:07,487 --> 00:10:10,240
I'll... just finish supper.
191
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,522
Isn't Martha great?
192
00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,717
I mean prodigious.
193
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,564
I'm not so sure.
194
00:10:18,607 --> 00:10:21,565
She won't let me cook,
she won't let me clean.
195
00:10:21,607 --> 00:10:23,757
I may as well be invisible.
196
00:10:23,807 --> 00:10:26,002
(Sighs)
197
00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:29,164
- Welcome home, Mr Harper.
- Thank you, Martha, thank you.
198
00:10:31,927 --> 00:10:34,839
Perfect, as usual. Something smells good.
199
00:10:34,887 --> 00:10:37,845
It's not quite finished,
but I could give you a taste.
200
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,162
Lead the way.
201
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,596
Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
202
00:10:44,207 --> 00:10:46,721
That's because apparently I'm invisible.
203
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:49,076
(Singsong) Oh, Mr Harper.
204
00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:53,077
Oh, duty calls.
205
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:55,846
(Singsong) "Oh, Mr Harper."
206
00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:59,196
That woman's transgressing her remit.
207
00:10:59,247 --> 00:11:02,603
Oh. So you can use these words
in conversation, too?
208
00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:09,879
You know, I never knew lamb could just...
melt in the mouth like that.
209
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,718
What was that sauce Martha made?
210
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:16,237
It was just a simple plum sauce.
I could have made it in my sleep.
211
00:11:16,287 --> 00:11:18,278
And have.
212
00:11:19,447 --> 00:11:25,317
Oh, look. Look! Martha's left
little chocolate mints on our pillow.
213
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:29,076
Thoughtless woman. Doesn't she know
we've already cleaned our teeth?
214
00:11:29,127 --> 00:11:31,118
Well, we can clean them again.
215
00:11:34,407 --> 00:11:37,205
- Is there something wrong?
- It's Martha.
216
00:11:37,247 --> 00:11:40,000
Not with her. With you.
217
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,958
Tell me about Martha, darling.
218
00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:44,918
She's just not working out.
219
00:11:44,967 --> 00:11:46,878
What... what's she done?
220
00:11:46,927 --> 00:11:50,078
Well, for one thing,
she polished the silver.
221
00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:53,722
- That is terrible!
- It's not that the silver is polished.
222
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,316
It's her attitude. It's as if our silver
isn't good enough.
223
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:01,679
- Isn't that her job?
- She doesn't have to rub my face in it.
224
00:12:01,727 --> 00:12:04,639
"Ooh, look at me, I'm hoovering."
225
00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:09,886
Aren't you overreacting?
If anything, Martha's doing too good a job.
226
00:12:09,927 --> 00:12:13,806
- Why don't you marry her, then?
- Because I'm married already.
227
00:12:14,687 --> 00:12:16,678
I get it. You're jealous of the cleaner.
228
00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:20,959
Don't be ridiculous! Jealous? Of her? Huh!
229
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,157
Not just a little bit?
230
00:12:23,207 --> 00:12:27,519
How would you feel if someone else took
over the things you did for your family?
231
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,558
Bad example.
232
00:12:30,407 --> 00:12:32,682
You wanted a cleaner in the first place.
233
00:12:32,727 --> 00:12:35,400
Well, I didn't want her
to make me obsolete.
234
00:12:35,447 --> 00:12:38,564
You're not obsolete, darling!
235
00:12:38,607 --> 00:12:41,758
Come on, you're the keystone
in the arch of this family,
236
00:12:41,807 --> 00:12:44,162
the hub round which we all revolve.
237
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:48,644
You keep us all together. Without you,
the kids would have flown the nest years ago.
238
00:12:51,447 --> 00:12:53,881
You've got a lot to answer for, Susan.
239
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,398
Well, I suppose you're right.
240
00:12:56,447 --> 00:12:59,041
Maybe I'm just being a bit silly.
241
00:12:59,087 --> 00:13:01,396
Have you seen this?
242
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,563
(Sobbing laugh)
243
00:13:04,487 --> 00:13:07,001
She's folded my underpants into a swan.
244
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:15,846
- Oh, hello, Mrs Harper.
- Hello. May I help you with that?
245
00:13:15,887 --> 00:13:18,765
No, thanks. The best way
for you to help is just relax.
246
00:13:18,807 --> 00:13:20,843
I've made tea.
247
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:22,798
I've got coffee.
248
00:13:31,967 --> 00:13:33,844
Really, I don't mind helping.
249
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:36,447
Oh, that's sweet,
but you'd only get in the way.
250
00:13:39,327 --> 00:13:42,956
Well... wouldn't want to get in the way.
251
00:13:49,327 --> 00:13:51,682
The least I can do is wash up my own mug.
252
00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:54,799
- Let me do that for you. You just relax.
- No, I've got it.
253
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:57,281
- It's no trouble.
- I know how to clean a mug.
254
00:13:57,327 --> 00:13:58,999
Don't be silly, it's my job.
255
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,119
I've been cleaning mugs
since you were in short trousers.
256
00:14:06,127 --> 00:14:07,924
I know, I know.
257
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,244
Relax.
258
00:14:12,487 --> 00:14:14,603
- Oh, yes!
- (Rattling)
259
00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:16,683
Come on, you hoops, hoops!
260
00:14:16,727 --> 00:14:19,764
Hey! Come on, Mikey.
Come on, have a seat.
261
00:14:19,807 --> 00:14:23,197
- (Football commentary on TV)
- Ha! Ha! Hey...
262
00:14:23,247 --> 00:14:25,397
I got you some lucky Y-fronts.
263
00:14:27,447 --> 00:14:29,563
Gee, thanks.
264
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,916
You can hold them if you want.
265
00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:34,003
Better still, you can put them on.
266
00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:37,318
Maybe later.
267
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:42,080
OK, Michael, now watch and learn.
It's a very fast game, OK?
268
00:14:42,127 --> 00:14:46,086
I bet you're wondering why the goalkeeper
sometimes throws the ball
269
00:14:46,127 --> 00:14:47,879
instead of kicks it.
270
00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:50,680
You mean, since they abolished
the four-steps rule?
271
00:14:53,207 --> 00:14:56,244
(Chuckles) Bless.
272
00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:58,926
You're getting there.
Just watch and learn, eh?
273
00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:01,003
Any more questions, ask away.
274
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:07,843
Actually, Dad, I was wondering...
Why have they got a left-sided player
275
00:15:07,887 --> 00:15:10,196
making percentage passes through midfield
276
00:15:10,247 --> 00:15:12,761
instead of employing the overlapping fullback?
277
00:15:19,207 --> 00:15:22,358
Well, it's so they can, like, like,
hoof it up to the big man.
278
00:15:23,287 --> 00:15:26,484
Oh, I get it. He's setting up
the number seven.
279
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:28,995
They must have perfected this move in training.
280
00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:31,038
I reckon they'll score now.
281
00:15:31,087 --> 00:15:34,636
(Laughing) Michael,
football is a game for humans!
282
00:15:34,687 --> 00:15:37,724
You might as well predict
when lightning is gonna str...
283
00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:39,644
(Crowd cheering on TV)
284
00:15:41,047 --> 00:15:43,436
My G... How the hell did you know that?
285
00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:46,522
You tell me. You're the expert.
286
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,956
- Where are you going?
- Game's over.
287
00:15:49,007 --> 00:15:52,158
- It's barely started.
- Blues won't come back after that.
288
00:15:52,207 --> 00:15:54,323
That fullback's heading for a red card.
289
00:15:54,367 --> 00:15:56,164
(Crowd roaring)
290
00:15:58,567 --> 00:16:00,046
M...
291
00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:02,442
Ah, football.
292
00:16:02,487 --> 00:16:06,480
A strategic contest
of the metatarsally propelled orb.
293
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:11,762
- Abi, have you swallowed a dictionary?
- No.
294
00:16:11,807 --> 00:16:14,002
Would you like to?
295
00:16:23,927 --> 00:16:25,838
(Yawning)
296
00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:30,997
- Susan.
- Yes, dear?
297
00:16:32,527 --> 00:16:35,439
Martha forgot
to put the mints on our pillow.
298
00:16:35,487 --> 00:16:37,443
Did she?
299
00:16:37,487 --> 00:16:39,478
Yes. (Tuts)
300
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,562
I was really looking forward to that mint.
301
00:16:42,607 --> 00:16:46,520
I hate to say it...
but I think she's slipping.
302
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:48,842
There's dirty towels on the floor in there.
303
00:16:48,887 --> 00:16:51,242
Slipping.
304
00:16:51,287 --> 00:16:53,960
We should probably have a word with her.
305
00:16:54,007 --> 00:16:56,362
- If you say so.
- Definitely.
306
00:16:57,287 --> 00:16:58,959
If it happens again.
307
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:09,998
(Sighs contentedly)
308
00:17:11,087 --> 00:17:13,078
Mmm.
309
00:17:15,207 --> 00:17:17,084
Oops.
310
00:17:18,327 --> 00:17:20,682
Ooh. Ooh.
311
00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:23,564
Ooh, dear.
312
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,325
Ooh, dear.
313
00:17:26,407 --> 00:17:28,238
Ooh, dear.
314
00:17:28,287 --> 00:17:31,518
Oh, I hope it doesn't leave a stain.
315
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,400
Ooh, pish, pish, pish.
316
00:17:34,447 --> 00:17:36,563
Ooh...
317
00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:43,126
Oh...
318
00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:46,644
(# Humming)
319
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,523
What are you doing?
320
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,285
Nothing.
321
00:17:52,327 --> 00:17:53,840
Go back to bed.
322
00:17:53,887 --> 00:17:56,003
You're dreaming.
323
00:17:56,807 --> 00:17:58,718
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
324
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:03,840
- You're making a mess!
- Don't worry. Martha can clean it up.
325
00:18:03,887 --> 00:18:05,957
- Stop it!
- No, I won't.
326
00:18:06,007 --> 00:18:08,282
You're trying to sabotage Martha!
327
00:18:08,327 --> 00:18:10,602
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
328
00:18:10,647 --> 00:18:13,036
I'm just giving the poor girl
some extra work.
329
00:18:13,087 --> 00:18:15,760
Su... Susan! Susan!
330
00:18:15,807 --> 00:18:17,286
Saboteur!
331
00:18:20,287 --> 00:18:23,324
- You took my chocolate mint.
- Yes!
332
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,595
- I took it!
- (Gasps)
333
00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:27,036
- I want it back.
- Well, you can't have it.
334
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:30,318
- Give me my chocolate mint!
- This isn't about mints.
335
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:34,918
Don't you understand? I can't stand
that woman in my house one more day!
336
00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:38,840
It is partly about mints, though, isn't it?
337
00:18:38,887 --> 00:18:42,846
No! It's like
she's taken over the whole house!
338
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:44,923
What have you done with your mint?
339
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:46,958
She's doing everything around here.
340
00:18:47,007 --> 00:18:50,636
- The cooking, the cleaning...
- It's her job!
341
00:18:50,687 --> 00:18:54,919
No, it's my job! It's my job and I miss it!
342
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,958
Which is why you have to fire her.
343
00:18:57,007 --> 00:18:58,520
Me? Why me?
344
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,922
Because if I do it, it'll be out of spite.
345
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:02,525
(Ben gasps)
346
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,285
(Clattering)
347
00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:06,318
And that wouldn't be fair to Martha.
348
00:19:17,727 --> 00:19:19,718
Good morning, Mr and Mrs Harper.
349
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,997
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
350
00:19:22,047 --> 00:19:25,676
Oh, pish. The sun is shining,
the birds are singing
351
00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:27,877
and I've made you a lovely cup of coffee.
352
00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:29,519
What could be wrong?
353
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:35,199
Yeah, erm, Martha, there's something
Susan and I need to talk to you about.
354
00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:37,556
- I'll just be in the next room.
- Susan, I...
355
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:40,998
You, er, wanted to say something?
356
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,799
Yes.
357
00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:45,998
Look, Martha, this isn't easy for me and...
358
00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:50,523
Oh, my God, this coffee's good.
Oh, it... Did you...
359
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,956
- (Susan) Ben.
- Oh, Martha, erm...
360
00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:57,483
These last few days have been...
361
00:19:58,287 --> 00:20:01,836
- probably the happiest days of my life.
- Well, I've enjoyed...
362
00:20:01,887 --> 00:20:06,085
Shh. Please, let me just say this.
Otherwise I'll never get through it.
363
00:20:06,127 --> 00:20:11,326
What I'm trying to say is that
what we had is... well, was, very special
364
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,165
but I'm afraid... it's all over.
365
00:20:14,207 --> 00:20:17,005
- Oh, dear. Is there someone else?
- Yes, it...
366
00:20:17,047 --> 00:20:18,924
Yes, it's my wife.
367
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:23,483
I think I understand. She's a bit touchy
about the cleaning. And the cooking.
368
00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,324
And generally everything else.
369
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:27,801
Martha, if it was up to me, I would really...
370
00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:31,476
You don't have to say it.
I never meant to come between you.
371
00:20:32,487 --> 00:20:34,478
Oh, Martha.
372
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:39,601
I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.
373
00:20:39,647 --> 00:20:42,241
Ben... I'm just the cleaner.
374
00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:45,163
Yes. Sorry.
375
00:20:46,727 --> 00:20:48,683
Goodbye.
376
00:20:51,847 --> 00:20:54,202
Thank you, Ben.
377
00:20:54,247 --> 00:20:56,807
- I know it wasn't easy.
- I just n...
378
00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:01,681
I just need a few minutes by myself.
379
00:21:05,007 --> 00:21:08,397
So, your name is Abi Harper.
380
00:21:08,447 --> 00:21:10,358
Indubitably.
381
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:14,443
And you're applying for a job
in the university library.
382
00:21:14,487 --> 00:21:16,398
Incontestably.
383
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,803
Well, er, I've been reading
your job application.
384
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:24,436
Most of last night, actually.
385
00:21:24,487 --> 00:21:27,047
And I did find it a tiny bit...
386
00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:29,521
Explicatory? Superplenary?
387
00:21:30,327 --> 00:21:32,477
Diachronous.
388
00:21:32,527 --> 00:21:34,165
Long.
389
00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:39,235
Well, that's because of the...
multiplicity of polysyllables.
390
00:21:42,087 --> 00:21:45,045
And, er, when we say
you may use another sheet,
391
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:47,317
one is usually sufficient.
392
00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:52,077
Oh, well, I like to be...
What's another word for hyperpunctilious?
393
00:21:52,127 --> 00:21:54,118
I don't know.
394
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:57,398
But it's bound to be in here somewhere.
395
00:21:57,447 --> 00:22:01,963
Miss Harper...
when you applied for this position,
396
00:22:02,007 --> 00:22:04,726
did you bother to read the rubric
at the top of the form?
397
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:06,758
The what? Oh.
398
00:22:06,807 --> 00:22:08,877
Incontrovertibly.
399
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:13,603
Then you will know that you are
overqualified for this position.
400
00:22:13,647 --> 00:22:17,037
Really? Isn't that good for a librarian?
401
00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:18,884
It can be.
402
00:22:18,927 --> 00:22:22,966
Sadly, the vacancy is for tea-bar assistant.
403
00:22:25,207 --> 00:22:26,640
Oh...
404
00:22:26,687 --> 00:22:28,484
excrement!
405
00:22:30,287 --> 00:22:32,164
Mm.
406
00:22:32,207 --> 00:22:34,402
"Mm"? Well, what's all th...
407
00:22:34,447 --> 00:22:36,403
What's that supposed to mean? "Mm."
408
00:22:37,367 --> 00:22:38,846
Ah.
409
00:22:38,887 --> 00:22:43,483
Oh, God, you and your "mm"s and "ah"s.
Why not come right out with it? I'm dying.
410
00:22:43,527 --> 00:22:45,279
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, Susan!
411
00:22:45,327 --> 00:22:48,239
- Did I catch you at a bad time?
- Not me, Mr Donnelly.
412
00:22:48,287 --> 00:22:51,279
- I was about to remove his tongue.
- Hello, Mr Donnelly.
413
00:22:51,327 --> 00:22:54,160
I just dropped by to take
my wonderful husband to lunch.
414
00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:56,960
Oh, dear. Shame you didn't ring.
I'm all booked up.
415
00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,884
- Mm.
- "Mm"? What's "mm" supposed to mean?
416
00:23:00,927 --> 00:23:03,646
- Just, mm.
- See how unpleasant that can be?
417
00:23:05,847 --> 00:23:07,838
Your office looks very nice.
418
00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:11,036
Very tidy.
419
00:23:11,087 --> 00:23:13,203
Don't know what you mean.
420
00:23:13,247 --> 00:23:15,442
- What's that smell?
- Smell? I don't know.
421
00:23:15,487 --> 00:23:18,365
- Probably Mr Donnelly.
- Excuse me!
422
00:23:18,407 --> 00:23:23,003
No. It's Mr Muscle.
I'd know that smell anywhere.
423
00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:28,201
- She's been here, hasn't she?
- I have no idea what you mean.
424
00:23:28,247 --> 00:23:30,761
Ben, you're right. That woman's a dynamo!
425
00:23:30,807 --> 00:23:34,686
My spit-bowl has never gleamed so bright.
Oh, hello, Susan.
426
00:23:34,727 --> 00:23:37,924
- What woman, Roger?
- What woman?
427
00:23:37,967 --> 00:23:41,323
Yes. Er, I'm not sure
I understand the question.
428
00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:48,245
(Gasps) OK, OK, I'll sing. It's Martha.
She's cleaning my surgery.
429
00:23:48,287 --> 00:23:51,120
- It was Ben's idea!
- I can explain.
430
00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:55,683
We all love Martha. Harper's a lucky man.
I wish she was my lady-who-does.
431
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:57,718
- (Buzzing)
- (Yelps)
432
00:23:59,047 --> 00:24:00,605
I feel such a fool.
433
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:03,957
Susan, I've been waiting for
the right opportunity to tell you.
434
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:07,636
- And when would that be?
- Just before Roger did.
435
00:24:07,687 --> 00:24:11,043
Susan, I want you to know
I never meant to hurt you.
436
00:24:11,087 --> 00:24:14,159
No, I didn't mean to hurt you
but I probably will.
437
00:24:14,207 --> 00:24:16,004
Copper's nark!
438
00:24:16,047 --> 00:24:18,720
I hope you and your fancy-woman
will be very happy.
439
00:24:18,767 --> 00:24:21,281
She's not my fancy-woman,
she's just a cleaner!
440
00:24:21,327 --> 00:24:24,125
But she's not just a cleaner.
441
00:24:24,167 --> 00:24:27,079
She irons my dental bibs, bakes me bread
442
00:24:27,127 --> 00:24:30,199
and generally brightens my day
with her presence.
443
00:24:30,247 --> 00:24:31,965
Oh... Susan!
444
00:24:32,007 --> 00:24:33,281
Roger!
445
00:24:34,727 --> 00:24:38,800
Oh, Ben, I feel so rotten.
I could do with a hug.
446
00:24:40,487 --> 00:24:43,047
I'll ask Martha.
447
00:24:43,927 --> 00:24:45,440
Oh...
448
00:24:46,247 --> 00:24:48,158
Oh...
449
00:24:54,887 --> 00:24:56,718
Hello, old friend.
450
00:24:57,647 --> 00:24:59,239
I've missed you.
451
00:24:59,287 --> 00:25:01,437
I've missed you, too.
452
00:25:01,487 --> 00:25:04,445
Oh. Abi.
How did your interview go?
453
00:25:04,487 --> 00:25:07,206
- Bad.
- I'm sorry.
454
00:25:07,247 --> 00:25:09,715
So you learnt all those long words
for nothing.
455
00:25:09,767 --> 00:25:14,363
Yeah. So from now on,
I use words of just one...
456
00:25:14,407 --> 00:25:16,637
- Syllable?
- Yeah.
457
00:25:16,687 --> 00:25:18,484
Ta, Sue.
458
00:25:20,327 --> 00:25:21,555
Hello.
459
00:25:22,807 --> 00:25:25,116
Hi. I got job. Not.
460
00:25:26,807 --> 00:25:29,879
Oh, I'm so sorry, Abi.
You deserved that job
461
00:25:29,927 --> 00:25:32,964
and you will find something
because there's no stopping you
462
00:25:33,007 --> 00:25:37,080
- and, Susan, it's about Martha.
- I don't want to talk about it.
463
00:25:37,127 --> 00:25:39,687
- I'm an idiot.
- Go on.
464
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:45,564
Susan, I'm... I fired Martha.
For good this time.
465
00:25:45,607 --> 00:25:48,644
- Like I'm supposed to believe that.
- It's true.
466
00:25:48,687 --> 00:25:52,236
Mm, what's that wonderful smell?
467
00:25:52,287 --> 00:25:54,755
- Stop it.
- Oh, no, I'm serious.
468
00:25:56,727 --> 00:25:58,718
It's duck a I'orange.
469
00:25:58,767 --> 00:26:01,804
Only I didn't have any oranges,
so I'm using pears.
470
00:26:01,847 --> 00:26:04,725
And I didn't have any duck,
so I'm using mince.
471
00:26:07,007 --> 00:26:09,043
How about a little taste?
472
00:26:09,967 --> 00:26:12,003
- Looks delicious.
- Really?
473
00:26:12,047 --> 00:26:13,082
Mm.
474
00:26:13,127 --> 00:26:16,676
Well, it's not quite ready, but I suppose...
475
00:26:21,367 --> 00:26:23,164
Mm.
476
00:26:32,647 --> 00:26:34,683
That is so good.
477
00:26:35,807 --> 00:26:38,844
- I'm glad you like it.
- Oh, I do.
478
00:26:38,887 --> 00:26:40,240
I...
479
00:26:42,607 --> 00:26:47,840
Hey... why don't we celebrate
and open a bottle of wine?
480
00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:49,798
Sounds nice.
481
00:26:56,527 --> 00:26:59,121
Hoops! Yeah, we are hoops!
482
00:26:59,167 --> 00:27:01,727
Hoops, oh, yes! Heroes!
483
00:27:01,767 --> 00:27:03,917
Heroes! Rangers!
484
00:27:03,967 --> 00:27:06,879
Come on, Mikey, I've got tickets
for the Rangers game.
485
00:27:06,927 --> 00:27:10,476
Go and put on your lucky Y-fronts. Ha! Ha!
486
00:27:10,527 --> 00:27:13,087
Er, no thanks.
Not really into football any more.
487
00:27:15,287 --> 00:27:17,278
- But wh... why?
- Gone off Kate.
488
00:27:22,327 --> 00:27:24,795
But I'm after a new girl.
489
00:27:24,847 --> 00:27:26,917
Parents own a pottery shop.
490
00:27:26,967 --> 00:27:30,482
What do you know about
the ceramics of Northern Italy?
491
00:27:30,527 --> 00:27:33,519
Nothing. Well, I mean,
it doesn't change things, does it?
492
00:27:33,567 --> 00:27:37,162
We can still go to the game together
like father and son. Heh! Heh!
493
00:27:39,087 --> 00:27:43,000
Dad, you taught me
something special this week.
494
00:27:43,887 --> 00:27:47,163
Something that will stay with me
for the rest of my life.
495
00:27:49,687 --> 00:27:52,121
I hate football.
496
00:27:52,167 --> 00:27:55,159
It's primitive, dull, pathetic and cruel.
497
00:27:55,967 --> 00:27:59,118
And a feeble excuse for
emotionally stunted middle-aged men
498
00:27:59,167 --> 00:28:00,998
to cry in public.
499
00:28:06,207 --> 00:28:08,004
Hello, Abi, how did it go?
500
00:28:08,047 --> 00:28:11,596
Did you dazzle them with your intellect
and charm them with your smile?
501
00:28:11,647 --> 00:28:15,117
I had dazzling charm coming out my butt.
502
00:28:15,167 --> 00:28:16,805
I'm so proud.
503
00:28:16,847 --> 00:28:19,884
- Still didn't get the job, though.
- Oh, no.
504
00:28:19,927 --> 00:28:22,885
Yeah, I feel like I've let you down.
505
00:28:22,927 --> 00:28:25,487
Oh, don't be silly.
You could never disappoint me.
506
00:28:25,527 --> 00:28:28,166
Oh, Roger, you are sweet!
507
00:28:31,807 --> 00:28:34,116
♪ I have often walked
508
00:28:34,167 --> 00:28:36,522
♪ Down this street before
509
00:28:36,567 --> 00:28:41,595
♪ But the pavement always stayed
beneath my feet before
510
00:28:41,647 --> 00:28:44,559
♪ All at once am I
511
00:28:44,607 --> 00:28:47,883
♪ Several storeys high
512
00:28:47,927 --> 00:28:50,725
♪ Knowing I'm on the street
513
00:28:50,767 --> 00:28:52,166
♪ Where you... ♪
38982
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