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1
00:00:23,142 --> 00:00:25,497
Not for me, thanks. I'll just have toast.
2
00:00:25,582 --> 00:00:27,891
- Don't you start.
- Start what?
3
00:00:27,982 --> 00:00:31,418
- Whatever it is you're starting.
- Don't you like Halloween, then?
4
00:00:31,502 --> 00:00:36,132
I've nothing against devil worship per se.
It's the enforced jollity that comes with it.
5
00:00:36,222 --> 00:00:38,213
When I want to be jolly, I will be.
6
00:00:38,302 --> 00:00:42,818
- I'm trying to release your inner child.
- It doesn't want to be released.
7
00:00:42,902 --> 00:00:47,737
It's quite happy where it is. It's warm,
comfortable and reading the paper. So...
8
00:00:47,822 --> 00:00:49,778
Flaming hell, Susan.
9
00:00:49,862 --> 00:00:53,411
Now you're in the spirit. What do you
think we should do tonight?
10
00:00:53,502 --> 00:00:57,256
I don't know about you. I am going to be
sitting on the sofa, watching telly.
11
00:00:57,342 --> 00:00:59,458
- It's Halloween.
- Same answer.
12
00:01:00,502 --> 00:01:04,290
Come on, Halloween is just a scam
made up by sweet-makers to sell sweets.
13
00:01:04,382 --> 00:01:06,942
It's like Valentine's Day. Another scam.
14
00:01:07,022 --> 00:01:11,459
Flowers, chocolates, cards. To appease
some woman's stunted idea of romance.
15
00:01:13,422 --> 00:01:16,300
Maybe not Valentine's Day...
16
00:01:16,382 --> 00:01:19,294
Mother's Day? I'll say it. Shut up, Ben.
17
00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:20,781
Thank you.
18
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:24,172
Remember to be home by six.
That's when the fun starts.
19
00:01:24,262 --> 00:01:26,378
Finally! After all these years.
20
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:30,933
- Why can't Abi help?
- I'm going to a college fancy-dress ball.
21
00:01:31,022 --> 00:01:34,651
- Can't you cancel?
- No way. This bloke really likes me.
22
00:01:34,742 --> 00:01:37,495
- Really? What's he like?
- I don't know yet.
23
00:01:37,582 --> 00:01:40,142
But there must be...
You know, somewhere.
24
00:01:41,062 --> 00:01:43,940
- Looks like it's just you and me.
- What about Mikey?
25
00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:46,775
- He's going to the cinema tonight.
- It's Halloween.
26
00:01:46,862 --> 00:01:50,901
- I don't think he ever got the hang of it.
- I think he's got the hang of it.
27
00:01:50,982 --> 00:01:54,179
- He's made me a fright mask.
- Go on, put it on. Let's have a look.
28
00:01:54,262 --> 00:01:57,618
- Well, I don't know if I should.
- Go on, give us a fright.
29
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,658
Go on, I bet it's really scary.
30
00:02:01,462 --> 00:02:03,692
Ready?
31
00:02:07,742 --> 00:02:09,414
Hello? I'm ho...
32
00:02:11,102 --> 00:02:13,058
Oh...
33
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,538
(Cackles)
34
00:02:29,622 --> 00:02:33,012
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, my pretty!
35
00:02:33,102 --> 00:02:36,458
God, the traffic was hell tonight.
We were held up for 40 minutes
36
00:02:36,542 --> 00:02:39,375
because some idiot
parked his van on the red route.
37
00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:43,853
Come into my parlour, my little man.
I've got gingerbread.
38
00:02:43,942 --> 00:02:48,652
Lovely. Do they really think I'd sign up
with a credit card company called Egg?
39
00:02:48,742 --> 00:02:51,461
Agh! Give me my ruby slippers!
40
00:02:55,462 --> 00:02:58,613
- What's for supper?
- All right, Ben, that's not funny.
41
00:02:58,702 --> 00:03:01,375
I didn't like to say.
I just thought you had a bad day.
42
00:03:01,462 --> 00:03:05,296
- If you're not going to join in, just say.
- I'm not going to join in.
43
00:03:06,622 --> 00:03:11,252
I am just going to cheer myself up
by watching the news.
44
00:03:12,622 --> 00:03:14,738
Aw! What the?
45
00:03:14,822 --> 00:03:17,575
I've converted the whole place
into a house of horrors
46
00:03:17,662 --> 00:03:21,371
- for visiting trick or treaters.
- Didn't take much converting.
47
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:24,738
There's no time for that.
I've hired you a costume for tonight.
48
00:03:24,822 --> 00:03:28,735
- I am not wearing a costume.
- Oh, but it's a really good one.
49
00:03:28,822 --> 00:03:33,498
It better be a warm one because
when I put it on, it'll be a cold day in hell.
50
00:03:33,582 --> 00:03:38,781
All right. But I've left the costume
on the bed. Take a look.
51
00:03:38,862 --> 00:03:40,773
I can see I don't like it from here.
52
00:03:40,862 --> 00:03:45,492
- I wonder what's on the radio.
- I am trying to watch the news.
53
00:03:45,582 --> 00:03:49,495
(Susan) We interrupt this programmefor an important newsflash.
54
00:03:49,582 --> 00:03:51,812
A dangerous lunatic has escaped
55
00:03:51,902 --> 00:03:55,531
from St Margot's Hospital for theCriminally Insane, just up the road.
56
00:03:55,622 --> 00:03:56,816
He is believed to be...
57
00:03:57,502 --> 00:03:59,572
It's not funny and it's not scary.
58
00:03:59,662 --> 00:04:01,459
- (Doorbell)
- Door.
59
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,021
- (Knocking)
- Door.
60
00:04:03,102 --> 00:04:05,058
(Susan cackles)
61
00:04:07,182 --> 00:04:09,138
OK, I'll get it.
62
00:04:14,382 --> 00:04:16,896
- (All) Trick or treat!
- It's started.
63
00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:20,258
- What have you got for us, mister?
- I think you want my wife.
64
00:04:20,342 --> 00:04:22,014
Nah, sweets will do.
65
00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:26,532
- Susan!
- Look, just give us the sweets.
66
00:04:26,622 --> 00:04:29,694
- Or you'll get a trick.
- That's extortion.
67
00:04:29,782 --> 00:04:33,695
No, extortion is when you ask for money.
We just want the sweets.
68
00:04:33,782 --> 00:04:36,899
- Sweets! Sweets!
- We haven't got any, so on your bikes.
69
00:04:36,982 --> 00:04:40,133
- Then you're gonna get a trick.
- Oh, really? Go on, then.
70
00:04:40,222 --> 00:04:43,339
- You don't want a trick from a warlock.
- Try me.
71
00:04:43,422 --> 00:04:47,574
By all the powers above and below,
I curse this house.
72
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,618
Ha! 20 years too late.
73
00:04:51,342 --> 00:04:53,458
Go on. Is that the best you can do?
74
00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:03,855
That'll teach you to mess with the occult.
75
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:11,454
Ah! Thank God that's over
for another year.
76
00:05:11,542 --> 00:05:15,137
- What's that?
- It's a nice, clean shirt, Susan.
77
00:05:15,222 --> 00:05:18,259
- You could change into your costume.
- This is my costume.
78
00:05:18,342 --> 00:05:21,573
I'm dressed as angry man
just home from work in need of a drink.
79
00:05:21,662 --> 00:05:23,618
(Doorbell)
80
00:05:26,622 --> 00:05:28,453
- I'm not getting it.
- You've got to.
81
00:05:28,542 --> 00:05:30,100
This is your thing, you do it.
82
00:05:30,182 --> 00:05:31,900
- I can't.
- Why not?
83
00:05:31,982 --> 00:05:34,496
Isn't it obvious?
I've got to jump out at them.
84
00:05:34,582 --> 00:05:36,777
- What for?
- Because it's scary!
85
00:05:36,862 --> 00:05:39,899
OK, OK, OK.
86
00:05:42,382 --> 00:05:45,454
Hi. Brian Green. This is my son Timmy.
87
00:05:45,542 --> 00:05:48,375
Your wife said to bring him round
for trick or treat.
88
00:05:48,462 --> 00:05:51,101
They're sending out invitations now!
89
00:05:51,182 --> 00:05:54,094
- Is there a problem?
- Yes, but she's hiding at the moment.
90
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,258
Come in, come in.
91
00:05:57,342 --> 00:06:00,778
Um, I'd better just go and check
on my daughter across the road.
92
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:02,739
Don't mind if I leave Timmy here?
93
00:06:02,822 --> 00:06:06,258
No, there's always room
for another vampire in this house.
94
00:06:06,342 --> 00:06:08,298
- Cheers, mate.
- Bye.
95
00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:16,416
Don't look at me.
None of this was my idea, OK?
96
00:06:18,262 --> 00:06:23,211
Ah-ha! Hello, little boy.
97
00:06:23,702 --> 00:06:25,658
(Cackles)
98
00:06:26,702 --> 00:06:28,658
Hello, Mrs Harper.
99
00:06:31,142 --> 00:06:34,498
OK. Well, let me show you around.
100
00:06:34,582 --> 00:06:37,142
Welcome to my house of horror.
101
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:42,137
Ooh! Would you like a sweet, little boy?
(Cackles)
102
00:06:48,782 --> 00:06:52,218
OK... Oh! I wonder what's in here.
103
00:06:52,302 --> 00:06:54,862
Oh... Ooh...
104
00:06:54,942 --> 00:06:56,898
(Screams)
105
00:07:00,302 --> 00:07:02,452
Is there much more of this?
106
00:07:04,062 --> 00:07:06,860
Look, I spent a lot of time setting this up.
107
00:07:06,942 --> 00:07:09,137
At least you could be frightened.
108
00:07:09,222 --> 00:07:11,531
Well, pardon me for breathing.
109
00:07:11,622 --> 00:07:15,456
See, Timmy knows the score.
He knows Halloween is a load of crap.
110
00:07:15,542 --> 00:07:17,737
No, no, I like Halloween.
111
00:07:17,822 --> 00:07:20,336
It's just... this is rubbish.
112
00:07:20,422 --> 00:07:24,415
I mean, look at this.
Spider webs, plastic skeletons.
113
00:07:24,502 --> 00:07:28,051
- What were you thinking?
- They're special effects.
114
00:07:28,142 --> 00:07:31,976
Don't be soft.
Have you seen Lord Of The Rings?
115
00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:37,817
What he's trying to say is, he doesn't
believe in all this supernatural nonsense.
116
00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:41,372
It's not nonsense.
My friend Ali's seen a ghost. A real one.
117
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,214
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
118
00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:45,770
- No, he didn't, cos they don't exist.
- They do.
119
00:07:45,862 --> 00:07:48,899
Otherwise, why do we have Halloween?
120
00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:54,092
- Outclassed again, Ben.
- (Doorbell)
121
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:58,460
No, no, not outcl... Look, Timmy,
come here, I want to tell you something.
122
00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:02,581
Look, for your information,
ghosts do not exist. OK?
123
00:08:02,662 --> 00:08:05,734
Cos when we die, that's it.
That's the end of it. No more.
124
00:08:05,822 --> 00:08:08,461
When the body dies,
the mind dies with it.
125
00:08:08,542 --> 00:08:10,578
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
126
00:08:10,662 --> 00:08:13,654
See this world we're living in now,
that's all there is.
127
00:08:13,742 --> 00:08:14,891
(Cackling)
128
00:08:14,982 --> 00:08:18,531
No spirits, no ghosts,
no vampires, no demons, nothing.
129
00:08:18,622 --> 00:08:23,218
After we die, there's no reward waiting
for us, no punishment, there's nothing.
130
00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:25,452
Yeah, that's it. We're stuck with it.
131
00:08:25,542 --> 00:08:28,010
But what will happen to me after I die?
132
00:08:28,102 --> 00:08:31,014
Well, Timmy, you'll either be
burnt to cinders...
133
00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:34,219
and tossed on the flowerbed.
134
00:08:34,302 --> 00:08:36,941
Or you'll be buried and eaten by worms.
135
00:08:42,942 --> 00:08:46,218
It's all right. Don't worry.
136
00:08:46,302 --> 00:08:48,258
You'll be dead.
137
00:08:51,102 --> 00:08:53,332
Oh, I give up.
138
00:08:54,342 --> 00:08:56,902
I know, I know, Timmy.
139
00:08:56,982 --> 00:08:59,371
I know.
140
00:08:59,462 --> 00:09:01,418
It was my skeleton, wasn't it?
141
00:09:03,182 --> 00:09:07,141
Poor little Timmy.
Mr Green didn't seem too happy, either.
142
00:09:07,222 --> 00:09:10,851
Well, maybe he's got a wife
who forces him to do things.
143
00:09:15,302 --> 00:09:16,621
- (Doorbell)
- Door.
144
00:09:16,702 --> 00:09:18,021
- Beer.
- Door.
145
00:09:18,102 --> 00:09:19,660
- Beer.
- Door!
146
00:09:19,742 --> 00:09:21,698
I haven't got any sweets.
147
00:09:22,742 --> 00:09:24,937
Answer it.
Unless you want another egging.
148
00:09:25,022 --> 00:09:27,741
If I don't answer the door,
I won't get an egging.
149
00:09:27,822 --> 00:09:29,733
I meant from me.
150
00:09:35,182 --> 00:09:37,138
Whoo!
151
00:09:42,942 --> 00:09:45,581
Whoo...
152
00:09:46,222 --> 00:09:50,693
- Yes?
- It was me. Trick or treat?
153
00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:54,491
- That is pathetic.
- Well, I didn't want to be too scary.
154
00:09:54,582 --> 00:09:56,618
After all, I had to go on the bus.
155
00:09:56,702 --> 00:09:59,011
What? You wore that all the way here?
156
00:09:59,102 --> 00:10:01,855
- Of course! It's Halloween.
- Is it?
157
00:10:01,942 --> 00:10:04,137
Nobody told me.
158
00:10:04,222 --> 00:10:07,692
Oh, right, then...
You must've thought I was a right prat.
159
00:10:08,982 --> 00:10:11,815
- Agh! Oh!
- Hello, my pretty.
160
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,813
Hang on. Hang on.
161
00:10:13,902 --> 00:10:15,858
- Whoo!
- Aargh!
162
00:10:16,902 --> 00:10:19,462
- Whoo!
- Aargh! Whoo!
163
00:10:19,542 --> 00:10:22,773
- Aaargh! Whoo!
- Aaargh!
164
00:10:22,862 --> 00:10:26,059
God, it's like being at a Westlife concert.
165
00:10:26,142 --> 00:10:29,612
Roger, the real party is in the kitchen.
166
00:10:29,702 --> 00:10:33,217
There's apple bobbing.
In a witch's cauldron.
167
00:10:33,302 --> 00:10:35,532
Yahoo!
168
00:10:35,622 --> 00:10:39,058
There's a prize if you can stay under
for longer than seven minutes.
169
00:10:39,142 --> 00:10:40,370
- (Doorbell)
- Door.
170
00:10:40,462 --> 00:10:42,100
- Busy.
- Roger, door.
171
00:10:42,182 --> 00:10:44,138
(Gargling)
172
00:10:51,062 --> 00:10:53,530
- What?
- Trick or treat.
173
00:10:53,622 --> 00:10:57,979
- Here you go. Go on, here, take them.
- We don't like the orange creams.
174
00:10:58,062 --> 00:11:01,816
Well, neither do I.
That's why I'm giving them to you.
175
00:11:01,902 --> 00:11:04,735
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the kids who came earlier?
176
00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,976
- No.
- Yes, you are, you're the warlock.
177
00:11:08,062 --> 00:11:10,815
Come on, give us the purple ones
with the hazelnuts.
178
00:11:10,902 --> 00:11:14,815
- Take what you're given and shut up.
- Is that what your wife says?
179
00:11:16,182 --> 00:11:20,414
I don't have to take this. I kept my side
of the bargain. What are you gonna do?
180
00:11:26,422 --> 00:11:30,210
"Be back by six," she said.
"That's when the fun starts."
181
00:11:31,422 --> 00:11:33,777
- Where's my beer?
- (Susan) Where you left it.
182
00:11:33,862 --> 00:11:36,251
- I left it on the table.
- Are you sure?
183
00:11:36,342 --> 00:11:40,733
Susan, I may be getting old but I always
remember where I left a can of beer.
184
00:11:40,822 --> 00:11:44,781
Oh, of course, on the mantelpiece.
How much tidier is that?
185
00:11:48,102 --> 00:11:49,057
Mmm.
186
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:52,532
Yes, my shirt was egged again.
187
00:11:56,302 --> 00:12:01,171
- It's all right. It's soaking in Biotex.
- Good. You finally decided to join in.
188
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,741
What?
189
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:04,972
Susan!
190
00:12:05,062 --> 00:12:08,293
You put fake blood in my bloody beer.
191
00:12:08,382 --> 00:12:09,974
- It wasn't me.
- Or me.
192
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,336
Well, it wasn't me.
193
00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:13,378
Whoo!
194
00:12:13,462 --> 00:12:16,340
Please, would you stop that?
Who was it? A scary ghost?
195
00:12:16,422 --> 00:12:18,413
Whoo!
196
00:12:18,502 --> 00:12:20,857
- Oh, shut up, the pair of you.
- (Doorbell)
197
00:12:20,942 --> 00:12:22,898
I'll get it.
198
00:12:22,982 --> 00:12:24,779
Costume.
199
00:12:27,862 --> 00:12:31,298
- Trick or treat.
- Anyone would think you didn't like it.
200
00:12:31,382 --> 00:12:33,816
Horrible American import.
201
00:12:33,902 --> 00:12:35,733
Never did it when I was a kid.
202
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:39,098
Perhaps the other kids did
and never told you.
203
00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:41,696
Do you reckon?
204
00:12:41,782 --> 00:12:45,695
Well, I wouldn't have gone. You wouldn't
catch me wearing a stupid costume.
205
00:12:45,782 --> 00:12:48,501
What about your Lycra cycling shorts?
206
00:12:48,582 --> 00:12:52,575
- You said I looked sexy in them.
- I said that to get you out of the house.
207
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,339
You'll never guess what.
208
00:12:57,422 --> 00:13:01,210
I just heard on the radio
that a lunatic has escaped
209
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:04,294
from the St Margot's
Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
210
00:13:04,382 --> 00:13:06,338
Just up the road.
211
00:13:07,102 --> 00:13:10,139
I must admit, I'm a little uneasy.
212
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:13,658
Roger, it was Susan.
213
00:13:19,062 --> 00:13:21,292
Susan's the lunatic?
214
00:13:23,342 --> 00:13:25,298
Yes.
215
00:13:25,382 --> 00:13:28,374
- (Doorbell)
- OK, where'd you put the sweets?
216
00:13:28,462 --> 00:13:30,896
Uh, yes, now, there's a funny story
about that.
217
00:13:30,982 --> 00:13:32,335
- They've all gone.
- What?
218
00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:35,061
That last bunch
of trick or treaters had them off me.
219
00:13:35,142 --> 00:13:38,452
- They were big lads. Nine or ten.
- There were ten of them?
220
00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:41,978
No, there were two of them.
But they were nine or ten.
221
00:13:42,062 --> 00:13:44,417
Oh, great, now we've got no sweets.
222
00:13:44,502 --> 00:13:49,212
- It doesn't matter. What does it matter?
- I just wanted us to be popular.
223
00:13:49,302 --> 00:13:52,499
- We've gotta give them something.
- Give them the apples.
224
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,732
They've all got your teeth marks in them.
225
00:13:54,822 --> 00:13:57,620
- We can tell them it was the pixies.
- (Ben) Oh, yeah.
226
00:13:57,702 --> 00:14:00,170
Good idea. I'll hold your coat. Go on.
227
00:14:01,702 --> 00:14:03,340
Oh...
228
00:14:03,422 --> 00:14:08,291
Look what I've found. A magazine.
Naughty, naughty.
229
00:14:08,382 --> 00:14:10,850
Yeah, must be... one of Michael's.
230
00:14:10,942 --> 00:14:12,694
No, it's Family Circle.
231
00:14:13,662 --> 00:14:16,813
- You've been hiding this from me.
- (Doorbell)
232
00:14:20,022 --> 00:14:23,458
♪ Away in a manger
233
00:14:23,542 --> 00:14:26,261
♪ No crib for a bed ♪
234
00:14:26,342 --> 00:14:29,379
All right! Knock it off. It's October 31 st.
235
00:14:29,462 --> 00:14:31,339
Best to get in early.
236
00:14:31,422 --> 00:14:33,299
Just get in the spirit.
237
00:14:36,462 --> 00:14:38,657
Mind if I take the sports section?
238
00:14:39,542 --> 00:14:42,454
Ready for your treats, my pretties?
239
00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:45,614
- Hey, what's that?
- Battery. Double A. Only used once.
240
00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:49,900
- What?
- For you, a key for bleeding the radiator.
241
00:14:49,982 --> 00:14:53,736
And for you, something really special.
242
00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:57,417
- A biro with half an inch of ink in it?
- People kill for those in Morocco.
243
00:14:57,502 --> 00:15:00,255
- We're not in Morocco.
- More's the pity.
244
00:15:01,742 --> 00:15:04,336
- We're gonna get you.
- We know where you live.
245
00:15:04,422 --> 00:15:05,377
(Thump)
246
00:15:05,942 --> 00:15:09,412
What sweet kids. Let's adopt them.
247
00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:12,538
- Ben.
- Hm?
248
00:15:13,862 --> 00:15:17,491
- Did you do that?
- Oh, give it a rest, Susan.
249
00:15:17,582 --> 00:15:20,654
- I'm so scared.
- No. Really.
250
00:15:21,702 --> 00:15:24,421
- It wasn't me.
- Well, it wasn't me.
251
00:15:24,502 --> 00:15:26,458
Remember? I'm no fun.
252
00:15:27,902 --> 00:15:29,255
Am I?
253
00:15:33,542 --> 00:15:35,214
- Roger.
- Hmm?
254
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,372
Did you tamper with my special effect?
255
00:15:38,982 --> 00:15:42,770
- Pardon?
- Somebody put the skeleton on the sofa.
256
00:15:42,862 --> 00:15:45,456
Oh... Really?
257
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:50,536
It wasn't me. I've been engrossed in
this piece on cruelty-free mothproofing.
258
00:15:51,622 --> 00:15:54,773
- Well, somebody did it.
- I know.
259
00:15:55,782 --> 00:15:58,216
Perhaps it was the escaped lunatic.
260
00:15:59,422 --> 00:16:01,378
- (Doorbell)
- Not again!
261
00:16:03,182 --> 00:16:05,491
- Right. Go away.
- (Abi) It's me.
262
00:16:05,582 --> 00:16:07,937
- I know. Go away.
- Let me in!
263
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,458
Quick, lock the door.
264
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:16,095
Are you all right?
265
00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:20,573
There's a load of kids out there, massing
in the streets. They look really hungry.
266
00:16:23,022 --> 00:16:26,617
- Oh, dear.
- Like that Hitchcock film with the birds.
267
00:16:26,702 --> 00:16:28,294
What's it called?
268
00:16:28,382 --> 00:16:30,020
The Birds.
269
00:16:30,102 --> 00:16:33,617
That's right, the birds. What is it called?
270
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:36,136
- Did they hurt you?
- Yeah.
271
00:16:36,222 --> 00:16:39,453
- They jeered at my cheese costume.
- The little devils!
272
00:16:39,542 --> 00:16:43,091
All right, Roger.
Good job they didn't have a grater.
273
00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:47,214
Oh, well, it's just Halloween high spirits.
274
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:51,579
- How was the party?
- Yeah, yeah, it was all right.
275
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,778
- Bit difficult to get in.
- No tickets?
276
00:16:53,862 --> 00:16:58,094
No, narrow doorways. Still, I met
this really gorgeous man there.
277
00:16:58,182 --> 00:17:01,333
- Oh, good!
- Oh, good...
278
00:17:01,422 --> 00:17:05,381
We were getting on great until it turns
out that he's got an allergy to dairy.
279
00:17:05,462 --> 00:17:09,421
- He obviously wasn't right for you.
- Did you tell him it wasn't real cheese?
280
00:17:09,502 --> 00:17:11,970
Oh, I didn't even think of that.
281
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,455
It's not too late to go back, is it?
I thought so.
282
00:17:17,262 --> 00:17:19,059
I like cheese.
283
00:17:19,142 --> 00:17:22,896
Abi, I've got to ask you this. What
has cheese got to do with Halloween?
284
00:17:22,982 --> 00:17:24,779
It gives you nightmares?
285
00:17:24,862 --> 00:17:27,740
- (Children) Whoo!
- Go away! Go on!
286
00:17:27,822 --> 00:17:30,780
Get out of it, or I'll set the cheese on you.
287
00:17:30,862 --> 00:17:33,535
This is your fault.
You angered the warlock.
288
00:17:33,622 --> 00:17:35,772
You're the one handing out
radiator keys.
289
00:17:35,862 --> 00:17:38,217
I had to give them something.
It's Halloween.
290
00:17:38,302 --> 00:17:41,772
You say that one more time
and I'll stick your Nimbus 2000
291
00:17:41,862 --> 00:17:44,296
in a place where witches don't fly.
292
00:17:44,382 --> 00:17:47,499
The reason I keep saying this,
and you seem to forget,
293
00:17:47,582 --> 00:17:49,698
this is a time for fun and for children.
294
00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:52,819
Two concepts that cancel each other out.
295
00:17:52,902 --> 00:17:57,100
You're not even trying. Look, Abi's made
an effort. Abi's dressed up.
296
00:17:57,862 --> 00:18:00,615
That's an argument for?
297
00:18:00,702 --> 00:18:04,980
Well, I think she looks jolly nice.
Let's go and make a sandwich.
298
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,578
I've made myself blush.
299
00:18:14,902 --> 00:18:16,893
Oh, that's nice. You've got a bonfire.
300
00:18:16,982 --> 00:18:20,691
What? My God, they've set fire
to my garden furniture.
301
00:18:20,782 --> 00:18:23,933
- Right, I'm ringing the police.
- Call the fire brigade.
302
00:18:24,022 --> 00:18:26,377
- What good will they do?
- Put the fire out?
303
00:18:26,462 --> 00:18:29,499
And then what?
No, it's the police or nothing.
304
00:18:29,582 --> 00:18:33,621
- Or a bucket of water.
- Hello? Yeah, hello.
305
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:36,375
Some kids have set fire
to my garden furniture.
306
00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:41,172
I want you to send a squad car with four
officers and maybe a schools inspector.
307
00:18:41,262 --> 00:18:47,292
And... Well, that is a coincidence cos
I've got better things to do with my time.
308
00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:49,338
I know. I know it's Halloween.
309
00:18:49,422 --> 00:18:51,378
Yes, I know it's just kids.
310
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,214
That's all right, is it?
311
00:18:53,302 --> 00:18:56,533
Is it? Some kids kidnap a granny,
torture her and dismember her,
312
00:18:56,622 --> 00:18:58,897
and that's fine cos it's just kids?
313
00:19:00,502 --> 00:19:03,778
No, that didn't actually happen.
It was just an example.
314
00:19:04,862 --> 00:19:07,296
No, I'm not trying to waste your time.
315
00:19:08,382 --> 00:19:11,931
Fine. OK. You'll be hearing
from the Home Secretary.
316
00:19:14,382 --> 00:19:16,338
There goes the hammock.
317
00:19:17,742 --> 00:19:19,539
I think they're calming down.
318
00:19:21,262 --> 00:19:23,457
(Shouting)
319
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,858
I blame food additives.
320
00:19:26,942 --> 00:19:29,581
Nonsense, you provoked them
with your face.
321
00:19:29,662 --> 00:19:31,698
Shouldn't somebody do something?
322
00:19:31,782 --> 00:19:34,899
Don't look at me.
Apparently, I've got a provocative face.
323
00:19:35,862 --> 00:19:37,739
- Chicken.
- Cheese.
324
00:19:37,822 --> 00:19:39,778
Stop fighting! Everybody!
325
00:19:40,862 --> 00:19:43,740
- I'm going out there.
- You're not going to tackle them?
326
00:19:43,822 --> 00:19:47,576
Good Lord, no, I'm going to pop down
the newsagents, buy more sweeties.
327
00:19:47,662 --> 00:19:50,301
- Isn't that appeasement?
- What you must remember
328
00:19:50,382 --> 00:19:52,896
is that appeasement
delayed the war by 11 months,
329
00:19:52,982 --> 00:19:54,700
allowing Britain time to rearm.
330
00:19:56,902 --> 00:19:58,858
It's like The Night Of The Living Dead,
331
00:19:58,942 --> 00:20:01,695
when the zombies break in
and try and eat your brains.
332
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,458
Slim pickings here, then.
333
00:20:05,542 --> 00:20:07,897
Wish me luck.
334
00:20:07,982 --> 00:20:11,861
- Look.
- Yeah, yeah, very brave.
335
00:20:11,942 --> 00:20:14,615
No, no, he's wearing his costume.
336
00:20:14,702 --> 00:20:17,262
Why is it you're the only one
who won't join in?
337
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:21,051
There's always one who won't join in.
Won't join in with the lynch mob.
338
00:20:21,142 --> 00:20:23,019
Won't join in with the book-burning.
339
00:20:23,102 --> 00:20:24,933
Won't wear his costume.
340
00:20:25,022 --> 00:20:27,456
- Give a good reason why I should.
- To please me.
341
00:20:27,542 --> 00:20:30,010
I said a good reason.
342
00:20:30,102 --> 00:20:34,300
- All right, you don't want to wear it.
- Oh, at last, she's got it!
343
00:20:34,382 --> 00:20:36,532
- You're afraid you'll look silly.
- No.
344
00:20:36,622 --> 00:20:38,135
- You're embarrassed.
- No.
345
00:20:38,222 --> 00:20:41,931
- Honestly, it's no big deal.
- Then why are you making a big deal?
346
00:20:42,022 --> 00:20:44,138
- You're just being childish.
- Me?
347
00:20:44,222 --> 00:20:47,294
- You're dressed as a witch!
- What is your problem with this?
348
00:20:47,382 --> 00:20:49,213
I do not have one. You have a problem.
349
00:20:49,302 --> 00:20:51,975
- What is my problem?
- You're too pig-headed.
350
00:20:52,062 --> 00:20:53,654
- You're not?
- Right.
351
00:20:53,742 --> 00:20:55,778
- Then prove it.
- OK, I'll prove it.
352
00:20:55,862 --> 00:20:58,137
I'll wear your stupid costume, OK?
353
00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:06,778
(Panting)
354
00:21:07,862 --> 00:21:13,016
It is hell out there. It's like the opening
20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
355
00:21:15,022 --> 00:21:16,978
Only with eggs.
356
00:21:17,062 --> 00:21:20,498
- I'm so upset.
- Lucky you were wearing the sheet.
357
00:21:20,582 --> 00:21:24,336
That's just it. I've had this sheet
since I was a child.
358
00:21:24,422 --> 00:21:27,141
It's my chewy blanket.
359
00:21:27,222 --> 00:21:31,374
Abi, take Roger into the kitchen
and give him a good sponge down.
360
00:21:31,462 --> 00:21:33,418
OK.
361
00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:35,652
(Roger whimpers)
362
00:21:52,542 --> 00:21:55,261
See? Not so smug now, are we?
363
00:22:12,782 --> 00:22:15,342
It's all right, Ben. You can take it off now.
364
00:22:15,422 --> 00:22:17,458
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
365
00:22:17,542 --> 00:22:20,261
There's no way I'm giving in now.
366
00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:26,093
Seems to have quietened down.
Perhaps they've gone to bed.
367
00:22:26,182 --> 00:22:30,733
I wouldn't count on it.
Probably gone further afield for eggs.
368
00:22:30,822 --> 00:22:33,575
Every hen in Greater London
must be empty now.
369
00:22:33,662 --> 00:22:37,052
- (Doorbell)
- OK.
370
00:22:37,142 --> 00:22:41,818
- They're back.
- God. All I've got left are Oxo cubes.
371
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,858
I've got an egg.
372
00:22:43,942 --> 00:22:46,297
(Doorbell)
373
00:22:46,382 --> 00:22:49,977
- Wait, Ben, wait. Let me.
- What's in there?
374
00:22:50,062 --> 00:22:52,496
Rotten eggs.
There were 20 of them in the fridge.
375
00:22:52,582 --> 00:22:54,698
Susan is planning another souffle.
376
00:22:55,502 --> 00:22:58,539
- Oh, I dunno.
- Come on, Roger, do it.
377
00:23:01,022 --> 00:23:04,298
- I dunno.
- Come on, you know you want to.
378
00:23:05,222 --> 00:23:08,259
- Perhaps I shouldn't.
- Yes, you should.
379
00:23:09,342 --> 00:23:11,902
They've egged your favourite sheet,
Roger.
380
00:23:11,982 --> 00:23:13,779
They've humiliated you.
381
00:23:13,862 --> 00:23:15,978
- But it's just petty revenge.
- No.
382
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:19,338
It's not just revenge, Roger.
It's justice.
383
00:23:21,302 --> 00:23:24,419
Go on. Do it, Roger. Give it to them.
384
00:23:25,102 --> 00:23:27,058
I will!
385
00:23:27,142 --> 00:23:28,291
Go!
386
00:23:28,382 --> 00:23:30,338
Trick or treat, suckers!
387
00:23:33,422 --> 00:23:35,936
- Let's go and have a look.
- No, no, no! Are you mad?
388
00:23:36,022 --> 00:23:37,978
But it's the best bit.
389
00:23:39,102 --> 00:23:43,573
Ah-ha! Not eggs-actly
what you were eggs-pecting?
390
00:23:44,782 --> 00:23:46,738
Hello, officers.
391
00:23:48,542 --> 00:23:52,455
- Good evening, sir.
- Tell us who's responsible for this.
392
00:23:52,542 --> 00:23:54,498
All right, I confess.
393
00:23:54,582 --> 00:23:56,254
It was me.
394
00:23:56,342 --> 00:23:59,857
- But he made me do it.
- Roger, please!
395
00:23:59,942 --> 00:24:02,695
- So the devil made you do it?
- Yeah.
396
00:24:02,782 --> 00:24:06,092
It's OK. We were just getting
a bit harassed by some kids.
397
00:24:06,182 --> 00:24:08,457
So we decided to get our own back,
you know?
398
00:24:08,542 --> 00:24:10,817
Why should we believe
what the devil says?
399
00:24:10,902 --> 00:24:13,462
We should we believe
what the police say?
400
00:24:15,302 --> 00:24:19,773
- Well, least said, soonest mended.
- We'll decide that, if you don't mind.
401
00:24:19,862 --> 00:24:22,695
Your neighbour called.
There's a fire in your garden.
402
00:24:22,782 --> 00:24:24,898
The police didn't want to know about it.
403
00:24:24,982 --> 00:24:28,861
They probably thought if anybody could
handle a bit of fire, you could.
404
00:24:28,942 --> 00:24:31,172
You being the devil, an'all.
405
00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:35,699
That's very good, that. Yes, dressed as
the devil. Got me in stitches. Very good.
406
00:24:35,782 --> 00:24:38,216
If I were you, I'd laugh
at my colleague's jokes.
407
00:24:38,302 --> 00:24:41,419
- If you don't want him to press charges.
- Yeah, OK.
408
00:24:41,502 --> 00:24:44,733
Very good. I'm sorry
my mate egged your uniform.
409
00:24:44,822 --> 00:24:48,178
And the fire's out
so everything's fine. So, thank you. Bye.
410
00:24:48,262 --> 00:24:50,218
All right, sir.
411
00:24:50,302 --> 00:24:54,659
But do us a favour. Ask your minions
to go easy on us on a Saturday night.
412
00:24:54,742 --> 00:24:57,734
- That's so funny.
- Who is it, Ben?
413
00:25:00,422 --> 00:25:02,378
Good God.
414
00:25:03,902 --> 00:25:06,735
It's the four horsemen
of the apocalypse.
415
00:25:07,342 --> 00:25:09,537
Famine, pestilence, death...
416
00:25:09,622 --> 00:25:11,578
and Wensleydale.
417
00:25:17,262 --> 00:25:19,856
Thank God that's over for another year.
418
00:25:20,502 --> 00:25:23,653
Can I pack my inner child
back into its box?
419
00:25:23,742 --> 00:25:25,698
Yes, and hammer down the lid.
420
00:25:26,702 --> 00:25:30,217
You were useless. You didn't
participate. You didn't have fun.
421
00:25:30,302 --> 00:25:33,135
And I like the way you left me
to handle those kids.
422
00:25:33,222 --> 00:25:36,214
You didn't handle them.
You just bought them off.
423
00:25:36,302 --> 00:25:39,180
I can't even watch the telly.
You gave away the remote.
424
00:25:39,262 --> 00:25:42,652
We couldn't use it anyway.
We'd run out of batteries.
425
00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:44,698
Did you hear something?
426
00:25:45,582 --> 00:25:48,733
- What?
- Outside.
427
00:25:48,822 --> 00:25:50,938
Right. That's it.
428
00:25:51,022 --> 00:25:54,253
I've had enough of this.
You can stop all this...
429
00:25:54,342 --> 00:25:56,139
Oh, my God.
430
00:25:56,222 --> 00:25:59,612
I'm sorry.
A joke's a joke, but that's just sick.
431
00:25:59,702 --> 00:26:03,058
Don't look at me.
Abi's the one who heard the noise.
432
00:26:03,142 --> 00:26:05,656
It couldn't be her.
She's got no imagination.
433
00:26:05,742 --> 00:26:09,815
- I thought up the cheese costume.
- No. Not him, he's an idiot.
434
00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:13,531
- Perhaps it was the lunatic.
- See what I mean?
435
00:26:13,622 --> 00:26:15,578
(Creaking)
436
00:26:16,982 --> 00:26:18,938
Someone's upstairs.
437
00:26:22,622 --> 00:26:24,578
(Footsteps)
438
00:26:24,662 --> 00:26:26,618
What's that?
439
00:26:27,862 --> 00:26:29,818
I don't know. I can't...
440
00:26:31,502 --> 00:26:32,617
(Gasps)
441
00:26:32,702 --> 00:26:35,011
- (Thunderclap)
- (Roger) It's him!
442
00:26:35,102 --> 00:26:36,535
It's the loony!
443
00:26:36,622 --> 00:26:38,578
Good evening.
444
00:26:41,422 --> 00:26:43,890
- Mr Green!
- That's right.
445
00:26:43,982 --> 00:26:45,620
Oh, did I scare you?
446
00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:50,019
- Good. Not nice, is it?
- No.
447
00:26:50,102 --> 00:26:53,890
Now you know how my little boy felt
after his visit to your house of horror.
448
00:26:53,982 --> 00:26:56,974
- He was terrified.
- It was the spider, wasn't it?
449
00:26:57,062 --> 00:27:01,180
It was your husband blathering on
about worms, graves and corpses.
450
00:27:03,422 --> 00:27:06,971
- It's Halloween.
- Oh, Ben, that's so sweet.
451
00:27:07,062 --> 00:27:11,419
That's not the point. You break into
our house, mess about with our stuff.
452
00:27:11,502 --> 00:27:14,335
- That's breaking and entering.
- No, I don't think so.
453
00:27:14,422 --> 00:27:18,813
Somebody left a window open upstairs.
With a severed arm dangling out of it.
454
00:27:20,502 --> 00:27:22,811
It's Halloween.
455
00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:26,815
- OK, I'm phoning the police.
- And what are you going to tell them?
456
00:27:26,902 --> 00:27:29,974
That I moved a skeleton
and a can of beer? Oh, no!
457
00:27:30,062 --> 00:27:32,178
Anyway, they're very busy tonight.
458
00:27:32,262 --> 00:27:34,856
According to some git out there
dressed in a sheet,
459
00:27:34,942 --> 00:27:36,773
there's an escaped lunatic at large.
460
00:27:36,862 --> 00:27:39,057
See? It was true.
461
00:27:39,742 --> 00:27:42,097
Anyway, I'll see myself out.
462
00:27:43,382 --> 00:27:44,701
Oh.
463
00:27:44,782 --> 00:27:46,738
(Screaming)
464
00:27:47,942 --> 00:27:51,537
Sleep well. Don't have nightmares.
465
00:27:52,502 --> 00:27:54,458
(Chuckles)
466
00:27:59,702 --> 00:28:03,251
Now, why couldn't you
have done something like that?
467
00:28:05,462 --> 00:28:07,418
(Doorbell)
468
00:28:12,062 --> 00:28:14,018
(Screams)
469
00:28:21,662 --> 00:28:24,654
- Who was that?
- One of my patients.
37547
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