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1
00:00:18,020 --> 00:00:20,454
- Morning.
- Morning.
2
00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:44,178
I was thinking about you
while I was sitting on the bog.
3
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:49,936
- Abi, we're about to eat.
- Do you know what I like about you two?
4
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:54,013
That we pay for your every need?
Food, lodging, bandages?
5
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:57,570
No, silly.
It's the fact that you're a couple.
6
00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:01,938
Doing the same comfortable routine
every single morning.
7
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,295
We don't have a routine.
8
00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:08,020
Yes, you do. And it's sweet.
9
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:12,252
You know you're going to wake up
with Ben day after day after day...
10
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:15,537
Like I said, we're about to eat.
11
00:01:15,620 --> 00:01:19,135
You'll never guess
what I've just seen on the Internet.
12
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:24,970
Let's see. Adolescent boy, Internet,
big smile on face...
13
00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:27,130
I don't want to know.
14
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,859
No. I've just found out
this is an unhappy house.
15
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:33,171
Really? It took you 15 years to find out?
16
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,728
No. It's officially an unhappy house.
17
00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:39,176
I found a local history site
when I was searching for my project.
18
00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:43,538
This place is cursed. Everyone who's
lived here has had terrible misfortune.
19
00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:48,057
Can't you stumble upon a hardcore
porn site like any normal teenager?
20
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,370
I think Michael's onto something.
21
00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:52,496
It would explain last night.
22
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:55,777
I felt a weird presence
at the foot of my bed, staring at me.
23
00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,574
Any toast left?
24
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:08,369
- Morning, passengers.
- You're right. The house is cursed.
25
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:12,851
- Dad, I need money to buy petrol.
- You haven't got a car.
26
00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:16,171
Yes, I have. Yours.
I'm using it as a minicab.
27
00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:19,769
- Buy your own petrol.
- It's your car.
28
00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:22,693
I can't talk to him.
Say something to him.
29
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,850
OK. Nick, can you give me a lift?
30
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:27,500
Pleasure. Family rate or senior citizen?
31
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:35,895
Alexei! Where did
you put the museum's file?
32
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,416
This just come for you.
33
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:44,770
- Oh, God...
- They are beautiful.
34
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:48,978
That's the problem. The last time Ben
sent me flowers he'd run over the cat.
35
00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:52,211
- I hate to think what he's done.
- Nothing.
36
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:56,339
He won't write it on a card, dear.
He likes to surprise me.
37
00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,450
Although with the cat, he did write,
38
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:03,499
"Good news. Taught Kitty
not to sleep under the car."
39
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:06,094
No, no. Flowers not from husband.
40
00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:08,740
From a man named Kark.
41
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:14,497
Kark? Oh, my God. Not Kirk Mason.
I haven't seen him in years.
42
00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:16,810
Just out of prison?
43
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:19,175
No. He's just an old...
44
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,733
friend.
45
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,572
Oh-ho-ho!
46
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:25,412
Oh, crikey!
47
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,968
What "oh, crikey"? He's just a friend.
48
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:30,938
In my village, one flower means friend.
49
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:34,649
Two dozen means
he wants to have eight children,
50
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,696
starting tonight.
51
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,776
So, how about it then?
52
00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:08,053
- How about it then, what?
- Are you in the mood?
53
00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:15,339
You move an inch closer
and I'll have you neutered.
54
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,254
No, Dad. I'm doing the Knowledge.
55
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:22,935
You haven't
even passed the Ignorance.
56
00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:24,976
- What is this?
- Test me.
57
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:28,609
Nick, no, no.
You don't do the Knowledge like this.
58
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:33,728
You have to go on a moped for weeks,
day and night, not coming home at all.
59
00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:38,291
The most important part is not coming
home at all. See you at Christmas.
60
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:41,452
- Goodbye.
- No, come on. Test me.
61
00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:44,737
Ask me the way
from Mile End to Chiswick.
62
00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:48,415
All right. How do you get
from Mile End to Chiswick?
63
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,456
Tough one, tough one.
64
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:55,413
I can get you to Bethnal Green,
then you'll have to direct me.
65
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,697
If you turn right at the bedside table
you'll find the door.
66
00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:02,659
Go through it, do not pass Go,
do not collect L200.
67
00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:06,653
- What, no tip?
- Yeah, one. Don't be a taxi driver.
68
00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:15,815
Are you talkin' to me?
69
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:19,415
- You talkin' to me?
- No.
70
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,060
OK. See you, Dad, Mum.
71
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:27,692
Oh, look, it's Marcel Marceau.
72
00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:31,136
- What's going on?
- I had a bit of a surprise today.
73
00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:35,179
Really? Janey return a cheque
saying we were too generous?
74
00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:37,649
Not that much of a surprise.
75
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:40,493
You know I put my name
on OldPals. com...
76
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:45,051
- I don't like you going on the Internet.
- Because you're my moral guardian?
77
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:48,257
No, because you drop crumbs
between the keys.
78
00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:54,454
An old boyfriend's got in touch with me.
Have I ever mentioned Kirk Mason?
79
00:05:54,540 --> 00:05:59,250
Is he the one who tried to undo
your bra in the netball cupboard?
80
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:01,934
No. That was my maths teacher.
81
00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:03,976
Miss Hornsey.
82
00:06:07,140 --> 00:06:11,531
- Is he one of your one-night stands?
- I didn't have one-night stands.
83
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:14,851
No, you'd never
let a bloke get off that lightly.
84
00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:20,731
We went out before I met you. He
wants to catch up. What do you think?
85
00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:24,738
He must be desperate.
86
00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:30,536
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Midlife crisis, disappointed, pathetic.
87
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,019
Him too?
88
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:36,570
He's an old friend.
I don't care what he looks like.
89
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:39,572
What about our meeting
for dinner tomorrow?
90
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,732
- As long as I don't have to go.
- You weren't invited.
91
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:46,096
Oh, bother. I feel so let down.
92
00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:50,651
You're not jealous of me going out
with another man to a restaurant?
93
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:53,937
Depends which one you're going to.
94
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,494
- Can I help you, madam?
- Yes.
95
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:04,132
I'm looking for someone. Middle-aged,
probably desperate and seedy looking.
96
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:06,370
You can do better than that.
97
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:10,248
Thank you.
You're going to get a very big tip.
98
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:12,296
His name's Kirk Mason.
99
00:07:12,380 --> 00:07:14,336
Mr Mason...
100
00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:18,732
Oh, yes. He's at the table
over there in the corner.
101
00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:21,095
You must mean another corner.
102
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:24,490
This is a restaurant, madame,
not Hampton Court maze.
103
00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:27,413
The number of corners is... limited.
104
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:36,328
- I've got no money or drugs!
- I need lipstick and I need it now!
105
00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,813
I've just seen the guy
who dumped me 28 years ago
106
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:45,098
and he doesn't look like he's suffered
for one single second.
107
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:47,535
It's not fair.
108
00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:52,330
He looks like Dorian Gray
and I look like the portrait in the attic.
109
00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:55,412
That was the best meal
your mother's ever made.
110
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:58,378
That's because
it was a Tesco's ready meal.
111
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:01,736
- Ooh, is it dinner?
- It was.
112
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:04,209
Let me get clear. You didn't wait for me?
113
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:08,532
- You didn't leave any for dear old Dad?
- Yeah. That about sums it up.
114
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:12,579
There might be some cheese
stuck to the lid. You snooze, you lose.
115
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:17,688
No. I win.
Yes, it's Chinese takeaway time.
116
00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:22,012
Oh, look at this. Chicken
with cashew nuts, spring rolls.
117
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:25,490
Oh, capital spare ribs... my favourite...
118
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:28,652
and it's followed closely
by the ever-loved rice.
119
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:31,174
It's all right, Michael,
you can lick the lids.
120
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,457
You got takeaway
and you didn't consult your kids?
121
00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:37,657
- Yeah.
- Don't you feel guilty?
122
00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:40,049
No.
123
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:42,654
- This is an evil house.
- Mm.
124
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:48,453
Nice work, Dad. Let's split it 50-50.
125
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:49,768
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
126
00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,612
Nope.
127
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:55,334
That's right, old man, laugh it up.
128
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:59,174
What is it, five more years before
you have to eat through a straw?
129
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:03,412
- Enjoy it while you can.
- Yes, yes, I will. Bye!
130
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:12,379
- Is that Chinese takeaway?
- No, it's Chinese keep away.
131
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:14,690
These letters came this morning.
132
00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:18,773
They looked important
so I put them aside, then I forgot.
133
00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:26,330
It can wait.
134
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:32,613
Oh, it's from Thames Valley Police.
135
00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:35,452
What?
136
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:40,216
Oi! What is this?
137
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:44,816
A speeding ticket from Slough.
I've never been to Slough!
138
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:49,018
You should go.
I was there the other day.
139
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:54,128
Nick, you were caught doing 80. There
are speed cameras all over the M4!
140
00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:58,816
Yeah. I always speed up for the
cameras. That way I'll just be a blur.
141
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,858
If you don't pay this fine,
you'll be a stain.
142
00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:07,489
There's L140 in fines.
How much have you made in fares?
143
00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:10,253
Five plus two... Nothing.
144
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:14,178
- Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
- Fine.
145
00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:16,216
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
146
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,972
Hey, Nick!
147
00:10:18,060 --> 00:10:21,530
Oh, if you don't see the car
in your drive, do not worry.
148
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:24,737
It's safely tucked away for the night
in Stevenage car pound.
149
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,098
Oh, God!
150
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:35,019
Oh...
151
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,293
Jesus...
152
00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:04,697
Susie Riggs. Well, just look at you.
153
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:06,293
Hello, Kirk.
154
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,216
(Thunder crashes)
155
00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:41,695
Janey, it's me. Don't hang up.
I promise this isn't about iron capsules.
156
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,055
Mum, this is a bad time.
157
00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:49,373
If a man phones you thinking
you're me, just hang up. OK, bye.
158
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:52,054
Wait! What are you talking about?
159
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:55,496
Well, you see this man
wants to have an affair with me
160
00:11:55,580 --> 00:12:00,290
and he asked me for my number
and I panicked and gave him yours.
161
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:02,848
Mum... you're having an affair?
162
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:06,733
- What took you so long?
- Janey!
163
00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:10,017
I'll give him
your real number when he phones.
164
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,534
No. I don't want him to have it.
165
00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:17,978
This man... Kirk
dumped me 28 years ago
166
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:22,133
when I was naive
and sweet and vulnerable.
167
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:28,011
- And just about to dump him.
- I hate it when that happens. Go on.
168
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,809
Then, out of the blue,
he finds me on the Internet
169
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,778
and thinks he can just pick up
where he left off.
170
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:39,650
It'll take more than two dozen beautiful
roses and a lovely champagne dinner!
171
00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:44,291
- You had a date with him?
- No... not a date as such.
172
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:48,134
It was an investigation. I was curious.
173
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:52,213
You can't let him get off lightly. Haven't
you got an ounce of pettiness in you?
174
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:55,656
Of course I have.
I've got several ounces.
175
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:58,015
How did he dump you?
176
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,058
He stood me up outside the cinema.
177
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:05,736
I waited there for three hour...
and a half...
178
00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,856
in the pouring rain
179
00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:10,977
with all my friends
passing by and smirking.
180
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:14,176
Let's nail the bastard!
181
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:17,570
OK. Then listen up.
Here's the battle plan.
182
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:23,494
(Susan cackles)
183
00:13:29,340 --> 00:13:31,729
(Thunder crashes)
184
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:36,973
Janey, all your years of grudge-bearing
and spite have paid off.
185
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:40,973
You're a master.
I can't wait to stick it to him.
186
00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:46,930
Oh. But don't tell your father.
I don't want him to think I'm petty.
187
00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:59,699
- Mmm.
- Hello, dear.
188
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:02,089
I see you had takeaway tonight.
189
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:06,139
Yeah. Well, you know
I like to spoil the kids occasionally.
190
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:10,618
- How did your date go?
- It wasn't a date.
191
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:13,817
It was just two old friends
getting together.
192
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,858
Being old and friendly.
193
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:19,613
Was he as I predicted, then?
194
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,976
As usual, you are so right.
195
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:26,257
The years have not been kind
to Kirk Mason.
196
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:31,130
You know what they say, darling.
Some men mature into fine wine.
197
00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:33,734
Others turn into vinegar.
198
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:37,419
It was all I could do
to keep my dinner down!
199
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:41,652
- That's nice.
- Totally unattractive.
200
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:45,016
There's absolutely no reason
to be jealous.
201
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,297
- I'm not.
- Good.
202
00:14:50,740 --> 00:14:53,538
- Why not?
- Oh, God.
203
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:57,533
Because you trust me
or you think I'm a frumpy old baggage?
204
00:14:57,620 --> 00:14:59,372
Both.
205
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:04,937
Well, if you are jealous,
there's really no need.
206
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:06,976
That's nice of you, but I'm not.
207
00:15:07,060 --> 00:15:11,815
A lot of men in your situation would be.
Normal men who love their wives.
208
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,250
Susan, do you want me to be jealous?
209
00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:18,412
A small token of jealousy
wouldn't go amiss.
210
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,411
OK.
211
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,456
(Growls)
212
00:15:24,180 --> 00:15:27,934
- I'm really jealous.
- Now you're just humouring me.
213
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:32,013
Humouring you is the sincerest form
of shutting you up.
214
00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:34,298
Right.
215
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:38,935
- Good night, Susan.
- Good night, Kirk.
216
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:49,210
Oh... oh... oh.
217
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,495
Your nine o'clock's here, Mr Harper.
218
00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:55,698
Never mind that. I'm busy... being duped.
219
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:59,534
- You're not busy.
- I'm not listening. So there.
220
00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:04,568
- What are you doing?
- I'm on OldPals. com.
221
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:10,257
I've found Kirk Mason,
who isn't seedy, pathetic or desperate.
222
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,019
And you're looking for those qualities
in an old pal?
223
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,888
No, no, no... Look at him, right?
224
00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:22,496
Look at me. Now, let's just suppose
you are a woman.
225
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,536
I am, Mr Harper!
226
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:29,171
Really? Right. It's just a policy of mine
to desexualise my assistants.
227
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:31,091
You just try it!
228
00:16:31,180 --> 00:16:33,410
No, no, you don't understand.
229
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:36,936
Say you saw a picture of me
on the Internet.
230
00:16:37,020 --> 00:16:39,614
Oh, yeah? Wearing a thong?
231
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:43,978
- Well, wearing whatever you want.
- I don't want you to wear anything.
232
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:46,699
Fine. OK. So I'm not wearing anything.
233
00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:52,571
- Listen, do you know what a cuckold is?
- See here... I live with my mother.
234
00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:56,778
- Really? Indulge me. It won't take long.
- Stay away from me.
235
00:16:56,860 --> 00:16:58,976
Pretend I'm not your boss... Aah!
236
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:06,577
No, I'm sorry, guv. I'm not going
south of the river this time of night.
237
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,652
Huh?
238
00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:17,096
It is north.
239
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:21,333
Nick, do you believe
in the supernatural?
240
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:24,571
- I don't wanna brag.
- No, really.
241
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:28,050
Last night, during the storm,
I heard this weird cackling.
242
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:30,574
I had a dream about a carrot.
243
00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:34,215
Do you think there's a connection?
244
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,610
And then today,
my tuna sandwich disappeared.
245
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:40,214
Oh, sorry.
246
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:43,895
- You know what we need...
- A lot more food in this house.
247
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,416
No. An exorcist.
Do you know where I can find one?
248
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:52,255
Leave it with me. I know this town
like the back of my hand.
249
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,296
- Blood!
- Aagh!
250
00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:57,019
Oh, it's just jam.
251
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:04,897
- Hello, Susan.
- Hello, Ben.
252
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:09,133
Have a good time at pottery class?
253
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:12,053
Yes, I had a great time at pottery class.
254
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:16,292
Particularly difficult pot, was it,
to take until, what, 11.30?
255
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:22,815
Yes, it was actually. And then
there was such a queue for the kiln.
256
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,856
Unimaginable.
257
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:28,978
Well, that's pottery for you.
258
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:33,258
- Mmm. Sexy smell.
- Thanks. It's White Musk.
259
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:36,896
It's a type of glaze.
260
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:41,776
- Let's see it, then.
- What?
261
00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:45,739
- Your pot.
- OK.
262
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:56,013
Well, well, you have improved.
263
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,819
Your last effort was a clay snake.
264
00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:04,054
- I'm in the advanced class now.
- Really? Got a price sticker on it too.
265
00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:07,052
So advanced we do the pricing too.
266
00:19:07,140 --> 00:19:10,689
When did you learn
to write "Royal Albert"?
267
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,653
OK, Ben. I didn't go to pottery.
268
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:19,177
No. You just ran into the arms
of Mr "Not Quite So Seedy After All".
269
00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:23,253
- Excuse me?
- Oh, Susan. You're cheating on me.
270
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:27,618
Well, at least I knew for once.
I'm right. Lucky me! Good.
271
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:33,216
I have seen Kirk again, but
only because I want to get back at him.
272
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:37,009
He hurt me 28 years ago
and now it's payback time.
273
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,534
What? 28 years ago?
274
00:19:40,740 --> 00:19:43,095
You haven't had time to get over it?
275
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:48,254
Don't you know me by now, Ben?
There's no grudge too small.
276
00:19:49,820 --> 00:19:53,415
I'm sorry, Ben, but I'm... I'm petty.
277
00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:57,652
I... don't know what to say, Susan.
278
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:03,296
- I'm not very proud of myself.
- Why be petty with him?
279
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:06,975
- You've got me to be petty with.
- I know.
280
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:11,770
And I'm very petty with you
and it's good, it's really good.
281
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:15,375
But with Kirk it's different.
282
00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:19,135
Don't I give you enough opportunities?
Good God, woman.
283
00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:23,179
I let you be petty with me
at least ten times a day.
284
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:25,455
That should be enough
for any normal wife.
285
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:30,295
- But not you, Susan, you're insatiable.
- I know.
286
00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:33,577
I just want you
to put a stop to this right now.
287
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:35,696
OK, Ben. I'm sorry.
288
00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:41,537
I'll keep all my petty, vindictive,
mean-spirited impulses just for you.
289
00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:44,498
And we'll put this Kirk saga behind us.
290
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,209
Yes. Providing you never
wear your socks again in bed.
291
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:51,770
You drive me wild, you petty little minx.
292
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:02,376
(Susan cackles)
293
00:21:03,860 --> 00:21:05,816
(Cackling)
294
00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:15,579
Got to go. Bye.
295
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:17,890
- Hi.
- What are you up to?
296
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:21,290
- Taking a shower.
- With your clothes on?
297
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:24,053
I haven't finished yet.
298
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,295
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
299
00:21:27,380 --> 00:21:30,452
I'm still trying to work out the last one.
300
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:36,091
I might as well tell you. I've arranged
to meet Kirk at the cinema.
301
00:21:36,180 --> 00:21:38,410
I'm going to crush him like a tick.
302
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,015
- What about Ben?
- Oh, I crushed him long ago.
303
00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:47,212
- Does he know about your affair?
- It's not an affair.
304
00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:50,490
I'm setting the stage for revenge.
305
00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:54,539
It's like James Stewart in Vertigo when
he recreates the scene of the crime.
306
00:21:54,620 --> 00:21:57,976
And he kept talking
to that giant invisible bunny.
307
00:21:59,060 --> 00:22:01,858
- No, that's Harvey.
- What happened to Kirk?
308
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:06,013
Look, Kirk thinks I'm going to meet him
for a hot night of sex,
309
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:11,220
but I'm going to watch him crumble into
the pathetic man he should have been.
310
00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:13,336
Any questions?
311
00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:17,258
Do you think Jennifer Lopez
will ever be happy?
312
00:22:24,180 --> 00:22:26,136
(Knocking)
313
00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:30,133
Oh, Nigella, Nigella...
314
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,809
One more pastry, please.
315
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:38,936
(Loud knocking)
316
00:22:41,340 --> 00:22:44,138
(# Mike Oldfield: Tubular Bells)
317
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:52,656
Good evening.
318
00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:55,538
I believe you require my services.
319
00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:01,330
"Nick Harper, swimwear model"?
320
00:23:01,420 --> 00:23:06,130
- No. Turn it over.
- "Nick Harper, exorcist".
321
00:23:11,780 --> 00:23:13,896
That's enough, Michael.
322
00:23:13,980 --> 00:23:15,936
(Music stops)
323
00:23:18,180 --> 00:23:20,774
You were going to find me
a proper exorcist.
324
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:24,296
No need, sinner.
Seen the movie, got the T-shirt.
325
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:27,456
If you'd kindly move aside,
326
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:32,614
I'll locate all the pockets of malice
and vibrations of doom.
327
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:35,498
(Ben) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
328
00:23:38,340 --> 00:23:41,218
(Nick muttering)
329
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:50,892
What putrefaction is this?
330
00:23:50,980 --> 00:23:52,936
Michael, holy water.
331
00:23:57,420 --> 00:23:59,172
Music.
332
00:23:59,260 --> 00:24:01,216
(# Mike Oldfield: Tubular Bells)
333
00:24:02,260 --> 00:24:05,252
Be thou not afraid.
334
00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:07,808
(Yelling)
335
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:10,778
Oh, Nigella! What? Aaah!
336
00:24:10,860 --> 00:24:14,489
- It speaks in tongues.
- What's going on? Eh?
337
00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:17,048
- It's an exorcism.
- Damn you, Nick!
338
00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:20,416
- He said damn!
- You stupid bloody idiot!
339
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:23,492
Now's the time
for the laying on of hands!
340
00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:28,491
My God! What are you doing?
341
00:24:28,580 --> 00:24:31,890
- This house has gone insane!
- That's what I said.
342
00:24:31,980 --> 00:24:33,857
You! You're unhinged.
343
00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:37,649
You, you're demented.
You, you're just... you!
344
00:24:38,980 --> 00:24:42,416
- Give me this!
- Careful. Holy water is expensive.
345
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:45,537
It's mixed
with the urine of seven virgins.
346
00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:51,375
- It's just tap water.
- I ask you to do one thing!
347
00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:55,009
Susan! Please, Susan!
348
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:58,092
- I don't think she's here.
- Really?
349
00:25:00,140 --> 00:25:05,692
Come on, Abi. You look like
you know something... for once.
350
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:07,934
No.
351
00:25:09,060 --> 00:25:14,453
- Where is she?
- Well, she's not at the cinema.
352
00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:17,771
Which cinema is she not at?
353
00:25:17,860 --> 00:25:20,818
The one that someone
didn't drive her to.
354
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:25,258
Nick?
355
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:30,454
I can't betray a confidence.
A cab driver's like a priest.
356
00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:32,974
- 20 quid?
- Bless you, my son.
357
00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:42,215
(Cackles)
358
00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:49,250
Got you here in no time, sir.
359
00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:54,289
Yes. It would have been quicker
if we hadn't gone via the airport.
360
00:25:54,380 --> 00:25:57,099
Got to go where the work is.
361
00:25:57,180 --> 00:26:00,650
I'll have you at your hotel
in no time, ladies.
362
00:26:01,780 --> 00:26:04,977
OK. There's Kirk the jerk,
but where's?
363
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:09,652
What's this? What is this?
364
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:13,016
- Doubles up as flypaper.
- Get rid of it.
365
00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:15,660
I'm a cab driver. It's vital equipment.
366
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:18,174
Along with the photos of my family.
367
00:26:18,260 --> 00:26:21,855
The girl, Janey, is in college.
We're very proud of her.
368
00:26:21,940 --> 00:26:25,979
Really? That's because
she moved out. Get the hint?
369
00:26:26,060 --> 00:26:28,620
Guess who I had
in the back of my cab today.
370
00:26:28,700 --> 00:26:31,134
- Um... your mother?
- No.
371
00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,290
Enrique Iglesias.
372
00:26:33,380 --> 00:26:36,656
(Both) Mmm.
373
00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:40,658
No, I'm kidding. It was Mum.
374
00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:42,890
(Phone)
375
00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:49,330
Hello?
Are you having trouble breathing?
376
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:53,698
Use your inhaler.
377
00:26:53,780 --> 00:26:56,374
Not for that!
378
00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:59,411
Susan. There you are.
379
00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:01,695
Ah. So I am.
380
00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:06,056
- I thought I'd missed you.
- No, no. No such luck.
381
00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:13,300
I've got the cinema tickets.
I've booked us a double banquette.
382
00:27:13,380 --> 00:27:16,770
Oh, I don't banquette till the third date.
383
00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:20,216
This is our third date.
384
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:24,895
- They're coming.
- Don't panic.
385
00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:27,175
They'll see us.
386
00:27:54,660 --> 00:27:57,413
(# Romantic orchestral music)
387
00:28:13,820 --> 00:28:16,459
Excuse me? Are you Susie Riggs?
388
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:23,012
Sorry to bother you.
Do you remember me at all?
389
00:28:23,100 --> 00:28:26,172
Yes. Yes, I remember you.
390
00:28:26,260 --> 00:28:29,889
It's just
that we met, many many years ago
391
00:28:29,980 --> 00:28:33,370
and, er... I haven't slept since.
392
00:28:40,060 --> 00:28:42,335
Enjoy the film. It's a good ending.
393
00:28:45,020 --> 00:28:46,976
Oh, Ben.
394
00:28:47,060 --> 00:28:51,736
- Oh... What's that we're lying on?
- It's all right. It's my nachos.
31412
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