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1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:03,270
Of course, the key question is,
2
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:07,273
have you ever had any actual experience
as a dental assistant?
3
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,193
Three years at UCH, two years at Guy's.
4
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,748
It's all on the CV.
5
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,035
What about any interesting facts
6
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,998
that didn't quite make it to your little CV?
7
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,516
- Excuse me?
- Any quirks or habits?
8
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,832
Do you suddenly burst out singing
whenever there's a song in your heart?
9
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,832
Forget to come to work
because your chakra's out of line
10
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,876
or perhaps you're into puppetry?
11
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:36,034
Doing little shows in the waiting room
with the dentures like my last assistant?
12
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,271
No, Mr Harper,
I'm dedicated and very hard-working.
13
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,989
The only thing that matters is
knowing you've done your best.
14
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,231
Knowing you've done your? Yes.
15
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,518
Yes, it's... I usually settle
for a whisky and a lie-down.
16
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,239
But, er, that's good. Very good.
17
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,754
- Well, I'm impressed, Mr?
- James.
18
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,479
- James?
- No, just James.
19
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,551
Like Madonna.
20
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,474
Or Satan.
21
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,469
The problem with being married so long
22
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,438
is that every year
there's another anniversary.
23
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,830
At the beginning,
you can start off with small gifts
24
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,753
but as the years go by
you have to come up with
25
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,149
something bigger and more original.
26
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,835
Hmm. This year
I'm getting her a set of tyres.
27
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,358
- Steel-belted, of course.
- Uh-huh.
28
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,908
Big Fit haven't delivered them yet.
29
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,195
Four weeks ago I ordered them.
30
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,716
What are they doing -
stealing them from a monkey house?
31
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,314
You can start cleaning up now,
Mrs Nancy.
32
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,710
Mrs Nancy?
33
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,759
New assistant. For reasons
only known to a pitiless god,
34
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,479
the agency only sends me
the halt and the lame.
35
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,599
I sometimes think the entire
labour pool comes from Lourdes.
36
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,272
You can spit now.
37
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,915
Uxbridge! Last stop, Uxbridge!
38
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,870
Oh-ho!
39
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,874
- See you tomorrow, then.
- Yeah.
40
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,679
Not if I change the locks.
41
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,990
All right, Mr Smith, up you come.
42
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,753
Now, let's have a little look, shall we?
43
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,910
Mm-hm, what do you think?
44
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,433
Oh, these teeth look more real
than my real ones.
45
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,875
You, sir, are a true artist.
46
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,350
That's... very nice. (Chuckles)
47
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,149
Not many patients appreciate
the handiwork in a set of dentures.
48
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:49,314
I do. I think you're
the... Michelangelo of the molar!
49
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,914
Please! There's no need to say that.
50
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,072
No, I mean it.
These aren't just false teeth.
51
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,517
They're 28 individually
sculpted masterpieces.
52
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,832
Each one the same but
in some subtle way different.
53
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,388
Different? Oh, only doing my job.
54
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,711
Come on. Don't you know
how to take a compliment?
55
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,394
I don't know, this is my first one.
56
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,675
Er, sorry, what's this?
57
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,512
Your fee.
58
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,068
My fee? No, no, no! Ha!
59
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,879
Some mistake.
Let me explain the system.
60
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,350
I do the best work I know how,
then, before I get that,
61
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:29,069
the NHS sends me forms to fill in,
makes me wait half a year
62
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,879
and then I get that if I'm lucky.
63
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,952
This is your lucky day
cos I pay cash.
64
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,952
And I'm gonna be sending you
a lot more business.
65
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,999
The boys who work for me
have been asking about a dental plan.
66
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,036
And we bloody well need it
67
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,875
considering the number of teeth
that get broke in our line of work.
68
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,156
What line of business is that?
69
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,993
- Dance.
- Dance.
70
00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,470
Organised dance and waste removal.
71
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,114
Lovely. There's something for everyone.
72
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,591
Right, just give me a minute
and I'll have you out of here.
73
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,194
- What's that?
- Just writing a receipt.
74
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,993
Or... Or not.
75
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,514
Clever boy.
76
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,068
Now we're laughin'!
77
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,872
- Hi, Mum.
- Hello, Mrs Harper.
78
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,999
Oh, could you take five minutes
and help me look for something?
79
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,516
- It's never five minutes.
- Of course, I'd love to help.
80
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,398
Oh, that some night-tripping
fairy had exchang'd
81
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,074
in cradle-clothes
our children where they lay.
82
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,958
That's why nothing ever
takes five minutes.
83
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,996
It's our anniversary in a few days
84
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,594
and I still haven't found
what your father got me.
85
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,478
- Why not wait?
- What was it last year?
86
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,915
The Millennium Edition DustBuster.
87
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,355
How about the year before that?
88
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,159
- A Breville sandwich maker.
- My mum's got one.
89
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,516
- Ooh, lucky her!
- But we never have sandwiches.
90
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:08,515
I exchanged it before he gave it to me,
put the new gift where he hid the old one
91
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,319
and on our anniversary,
voila, I love my gift
92
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,709
and he's too forgetful or embarrassed
93
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,837
to say he got me something else
and everybody's happy.
94
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,354
Erm... I think I'll go home now.
95
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,789
Now d'you see why I have no friends?
96
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,190
At least you don't have to eat
cheese sandwiches every night.
97
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:31,796
Hello, dear, how was your day?
Boring, hopeless or just plain crap?
98
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,876
Unnerving.
99
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,716
That's a new one.
100
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:41,952
I've got this new patient,
keeps calling me an artist.
101
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,110
Wants to refer me to his mates.
102
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,192
That is unnerving. Enjoy the compliment.
103
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,555
I did! That's what got me into this mess.
104
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,349
- You'll ruin your dinner.
- I thought that was your job.
105
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,318
- My job is to ruin your life.
- Ah.
106
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,275
- What mess?
- Well, I don't know,
107
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,511
there's something very strange
about this Mr Smith.
108
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,068
- You know what I think?
- Something negative?
109
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,357
- I think he's an underworld kingpin.
- I win.
110
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,351
It's true. Susan, look at this.
111
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,238
- He paid cash.
- Ooh, cash! Filthy, bad!
112
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,276
(lmitates spitting)
113
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,238
You know what he does for a living?
114
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,595
Whatever he does
he obviously does it well.
115
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:27,198
Dance. Organised dance
and waste removal.
116
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,555
How delightfully bimedia.
117
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,437
Are you avoiding the obvious?
118
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,956
Yes, because the obvious
is you're a paranoid old fart.
119
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,672
If I had to acknowledge that
on a daily basis,
120
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,832
I'd have to hire Mr Smith in
to remove you - ha!
121
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,388
Janey, get off the phone
and set the table.
122
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,314
Go on, laugh. Until one morning
you find a horse's head in your bed.
123
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,278
I've been waking up with
a horse's arse for years.
124
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,509
- Who's getting a horse?
- No one.
125
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,875
Could you not wear that any more?
126
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,269
What? I love this T-shirt.
127
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:04,148
You can see your nipples
and it makes me sick.
128
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,710
- Wear something more your age.
- A shroud, perhaps?
129
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,429
- (Gasps) Pretty...
- Keep your hands off, please.
130
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,112
It's been tainted by the mob.
131
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,475
Then we better get rid of it fast.
132
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,552
Funny, we said that the day
you were born.
133
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,150
- Why is no one eating?
- We're letting it breathe.
134
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:32,831
- To bring out the bouquet.
- I'd rather bring out the bin.
135
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,309
- Is this a baby corn?
- Of course not.
136
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,790
There's never baby corn
in risotto di mare della Susanna.
137
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,993
- It's a tentacle.
- (All) Oh!
138
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,470
For God's sake, why are you
all afraid to try something new?
139
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,471
Experience?
140
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,632
Teaches us that,
you know, in many ways...
141
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,030
Should I help you, Dad?
You're digging your own grave.
142
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,475
(Thump at door)
143
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,916
That'll be for me,
it's my new rubber pants.
144
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,991
Oh... (Chuckles)
145
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,550
So, another anniversary
coming up, huh?
146
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:10,633
(Sly chuckle) Twenty... er...
147
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,758
- Three.
- Three! Right, yeah.
148
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,115
Have I got a surprise for you.
149
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,237
- And I'll have one for you.
- (Laughs)
150
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,674
- Oh, it's still here.
- What was it?
151
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,035
Some bloke just left a set of tyres.
152
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:29,317
Oh, no! There goes the surprise.
153
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,790
I told Big Fit three times
to deliver to the surgery.
154
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,350
These blokes weren't from
Big Fit, more like Photofit.
155
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,115
Big scary guys, just tossed out
the tyres and ran, man.
156
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,200
I could do a job like that.
157
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,430
Oh, my God!
158
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,795
I can't believe it's starting already.
159
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,917
I can't believe you bought me tyres.
160
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,912
Mum, these are all all-weather,
steel-belted tyres.
161
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,477
Nice one, Dad.
162
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,994
- You wanna look?
- And ruin my surprise?
163
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,036
Oh, no. I'd get too choked up.
164
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,429
And so would your father.
165
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,957
Susan, you don't understand,
this is a gift from the mob.
166
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,554
- What mob?
- Dad's involved with the mob!
167
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,756
What would the mob want Dad for?
168
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,796
Target practice?
169
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,394
Oh, yes.
170
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,436
Fine, laugh. Go on, laugh.
171
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,593
Until I botch up a gangster's filling
and mysteriously disappear.
172
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,717
At least I'll have the tyres
to remember you by.
173
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,429
- What if this is really?
- Ben, there is no mob.
174
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:36,069
Of course there is. They control
6.3 per cent of the world's economy
175
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:40,153
through drug trafficking, gambling,
real estate and prostitution.
176
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,993
Incredible. Are they taking on staff?
177
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,197
- They do have some standards.
- Don't talk to me like that.
178
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,236
My dad's connected.
179
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,393
Nobody's connected.
We're giving the tyres back.
180
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,392
We do not accept favours
from people like that.
181
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,189
I wouldn't mind something happening
to the ugly gnomes next door.
182
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,239
- I like the Baxters.
- Not the family. The gnomes.
183
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,993
- Although...
- Can't you hear yourselves?
184
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,036
Stop it! Everything we have -
185
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,271
the clothes on our backs
and the food on the table -
186
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,510
is made from the sweat of our brow.
187
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,989
That explains the risotto.
188
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,232
(Vehicle approaches, tyres squeal)
189
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,038
(Thud, rustling)
190
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,429
(Door slams, vehicle speeds away)
191
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,629
Did you hear something?
192
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,756
Yep.
193
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,673
- Are you gonna do anything?
- Yeah.
194
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,990
Good night.
195
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,798
Ben?
196
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,632
Ben?
197
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,589
Oh, bloody hell!
What did you do that for?
198
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,636
- Are you awake?
- Oh, fine!
199
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,190
Good. Your patient left
a large box of meat at our door.
200
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,310
Meat? What do you mean, meat?
201
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,994
The usual. Chops, fillets, mince.
202
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,640
Oh, my God,
what are we supposed to do now?
203
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,439
I was thinking shepherd's pie.
204
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,750
(Vehicle approaches, tyres squeal)
205
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,400
(Door opens, soft thud)
206
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,438
(Door closes, vehicle drives away)
207
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,799
Maybe they forgot the two veg.
208
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,519
Come on.
209
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,156
(Groans)
210
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,516
Was that always there?
211
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,353
I've made a mess of my whole life.
212
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,635
- What do we do with it?
- If we bring it in,
213
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,280
- we've accepted it.
- Out there it'll spoil.
214
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,638
- Maybe we should keep it.
- Is this any way to talk about your son?
215
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:12,276
If we accept gifts from them,
they'll own me for life.
216
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,477
After two and half weeks
they'll want to give you back.
217
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:19,348
- You find this very amusing.
- Can we discuss it tomorrow?
218
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,238
We'll say, "Where's the meat?"
I'll say, "I sent it back."
219
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,276
(Both gasp) Oh, my God!
220
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,950
I thought you were a decapitated horse.
221
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,235
No, I just feel like one.
222
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,630
- Cut down in my prime.
- Oh, Nicky, what happened?
223
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,956
Melinda wants to get married.
224
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,156
- That's wonderful.
- You're moving out?
225
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,074
- She's marrying someone else.
- So... you'll be moving out?
226
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,598
She says she loves me
but I show no signs of growth.
227
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,830
No signs of growth? Ridiculous.
228
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,876
Mummy!
229
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,631
So I'll be moving out.
230
00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,190
The first thing you should do
is get a good night's sleep.
231
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,748
- In your own bed.
- First thing tomorrow
232
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:06,958
you call Melinda and tell her
you're willing to change.
233
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,395
But I don't want to change.
234
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,948
I like who I am, I want her to change.
235
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,838
- Now you sound like a baby.
- Is that a crime?
236
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,878
Don't babies deserve happiness?
What else is youth for?
237
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,952
- May I say something?
- Sympathetic or harsh?
238
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,430
Let's see what comes out, shall we?
239
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,956
- Stop whining, it's pathetic!
- I hope that was the harsh bit.
240
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,996
Come on, act like a man!
241
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,355
- (Bang from outside)
- Get down!
242
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,594
(Nick) Dad?
(Ben, whimpering) Yeah?
243
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,194
(Nick) That's not Mum you're holding.
244
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,796
Am I right in assuming
245
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,270
you're not Mrs Shapiro,
my nine o'clock?
246
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:03,910
Would I be right in assuming that the
doors, at one point, had been locked?
247
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,788
Oh, you could use better ones.
Like a dead bolt or a double latch.
248
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,519
And the one round the back's
no use at all.
249
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,556
At least... not any more.
250
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,632
Why do I get the feeling
you're an associate of Mr Smith?
251
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,871
- He's my uncle.
- He's... Ah, family.
252
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,076
I'm his nephew.
253
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,469
- Mooo.
- Moo?
254
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,676
Moo as in cute little milk cow?
255
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,230
Mooo as in
"Mooo your bloody arse!"
256
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,039
Look, I know I told your uncle
257
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,554
I'd love to work on
some of his... dancers
258
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,359
but, erm... you need to have
an appointment.
259
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,000
Why?
260
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,117
- I'm your new assistant.
- You're my what?
261
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,998
Uncle John said you needed help.
262
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,755
- More than I ever feared.
- So... just tell me what to do.
263
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,356
I've got a good feel for instruments -
you could take out an eye with this.
264
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,069
No, you can't. I mean, you could
but you can't. Leave that alone.
265
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,116
- (Drill whirs)
- Whee! Handsome!
266
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,156
Look, please, Mr Mooo...
267
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,196
Don't touch that. Just stop it.
268
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,750
If you want to assist,
don't do anything until you're told.
269
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,354
Or... Or asked nicely.
270
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,635
Uh. Sorted.
271
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,996
Oh, God. I always imagined life
would go from bad to worse
272
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,594
but I never imagined
it would be this quick.
273
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,477
There's something I forgot.
274
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,391
How to use your opposable thumb?
275
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,995
A little gift from my uncle
to say thank you for hiring me.
276
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,913
Hire? No, look, Mr Mooo.
277
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,355
Erm... No more gifts, all right?
278
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,318
Er... As my assistant,
I would like you to assist me
279
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,356
in taking this and the tyres
280
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,908
and the 40 pounds of meat
back to your uncle.
281
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,072
- And hurt his feelings? No way.
- He won't be offended.
282
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,391
Tell that to the last bloke
who returned one of his gifts.
283
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,119
Oh, wait. You can't.
284
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,430
I... Er... Right.
285
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,034
Oh, I'd love this, just what I wanted.
286
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,236
- He wants you to open it.
- I couldn't.
287
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,390
No, he said, "Open it!"
288
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,550
- Open it.
- Yeah.
289
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,549
- God, this is a Cartier watch.
- Yeah, a two grand Cartier.
290
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,076
All gold and look at
the cute little winder there.
291
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,236
Look, Mooo, I, erm...
292
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,595
I really, honestly can't...
293
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:19,037
...thank you enough. It's really lovely.
Thank you... so much.
294
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:22,351
No, the fillet steak sold out
in the first hour
295
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,989
but we still have a set of
steel-belted radials in stock.
296
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,310
No, we don't take cheques.
297
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:32,279
There's someone on the other line
who's very interested.
298
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,592
I don't care who you are but you're
contributing to the corruption of a minor
299
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,797
which I believe is still frowned upon
by the courts.
300
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,836
Now bog off!
301
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,716
That was my maths teacher!
302
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,031
We need more chops,
Christie's looking... Oh, hi, Mum.
303
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,078
- What is going on here?
- We're trying to clean up.
304
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,709
Dad won't take it back, you say
we can't keep it so we're selling it.
305
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,394
- And really cleaning up.
- Enough is enough.
306
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,951
I'm not having my children fencing
auto parts and meat by-products.
307
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,032
If you want a piece of the action,
just ask.
308
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,317
And if you want to see puberty, just stop.
309
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,030
Oh, yes. Lovely.
310
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,876
(Susan) Ben?
311
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,952
(Wildlife documentary on TV)
312
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,315
- I didn't hear you come in.
- Oh, I'm in.
313
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,392
I'm watching a programme on, erm...
314
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,995
- Nature.
- Yep, good old reliable nature.
315
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,957
- I think I've seen this one.
- They're all the same.
316
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,511
Y'know... planet ends, man runs amok,
317
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,115
cycle of life, blah, blah, blah,
it's all so depressing.
318
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,794
No, this one's about sex.
319
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:17,396
See? The natterjack toad has a problem.
320
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,869
If he wants to mate
with the alpha female,
321
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,838
he has to croak louder
than the other toads.
322
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:27,436
But when he does that,
bats hone in on his call and devour him.
323
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,751
(Croaking on TV)
324
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:34,150
I hope there's not a point to this story.
325
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,550
- It just makes me laugh.
- (Loud croaking)
326
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,910
(Bats fluttering and screeching)
327
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,554
He's quicker than me.
328
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,879
You were wrong
about your patient's gifts.
329
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,076
You never should've accepted them.
330
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,630
- Me?
- I'm not dentist to the mob.
331
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,154
Oh, no, no!
You're not blaming this on me!
332
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,674
You were the one
who thought it was funny.
333
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,433
I also thought
children would be fun. Whoops!
334
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,512
How did we start
on this descent into hell?
335
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,160
- You went off the pill.
- You know what I mean.
336
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,708
You have to tell Mr Smith,
enough, it's over.
337
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,756
- No, I can't.
- Why not?
338
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,434
- They'd see it as a slight.
- Gosh.
339
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,476
Big bad gangsters feel a slight
340
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,516
while our own dear children
341
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,637
are sucked into a downward spiral
of vice and dissipation.
342
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,676
Could there be anything worse?
343
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,354
Yes, me in a shallow grave
in Epping Forest.
344
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,908
- Oh, right. Me, me, me, me.
- Right!
345
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,515
- Where are you going?
- Fine, I'll protect your brood.
346
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,195
Y'know, I went
the natterjack toad one better.
347
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:41,671
I cut out the courting and the croaking
and went out and mated with a bat.
348
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,830
But I don't understand. I like you!
349
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:53,357
The boys like you.
We pay on time, we give you gifts.
350
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,318
You've been more than generous,
more than kind.
351
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,359
But it's... a little complicated
because I'm a family man.
352
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,477
Well, what about our family?
What about the boys?
353
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:07,758
I mean, Mooo sees you
like the father he never had.
354
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,429
I mean, he had a father
but he died unexpectedly.
355
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,314
- In a dance accident?
- Exactly.
356
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,832
Erm... Mr Smith,
I-I wish it could be different
357
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,276
but, er, I didn't want it to be this way.
358
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,316
Is it Mooo?
359
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,595
Cos I can have him removed.
360
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,469
No! No, no, Mooo's fine.
361
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,516
Don't do that, he's wonderful.
362
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,592
- So you wanna keep him on?
- He's not that wonderful.
363
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,754
Look, Mr Smith, this has all got to stop.
364
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:46,630
- What do you mean?
- I want to return the gifts.
365
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,114
- All of them?
- Mm-hm.
366
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,795
As if nothing ever existed between us?
367
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,111
Don't get me wrong,
I never meant for any of this to happen.
368
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,193
- (Scoffs) That's original!
- Look, I don't want to hurt you
369
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,999
and, God knows,
I don't want you to hurt me.
370
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,516
Fine, forget the tyres,
just give me back the watch.
371
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,115
Fine, oh, that's wonderful.
You'll have them back right away.
372
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,116
And don't bother with the meat.
373
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,715
It was a little past its best
when we found it.
374
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,038
(Muttering) Come on!
375
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,590
- Looking for something?
- No. Just, er, tidying up.
376
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,275
Nice work. I've always thought it
was the children messing up the house
377
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,316
but it was you - tidying up.
378
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,472
- Let me help.
- I don't need help. This chest is private.
379
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,279
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
380
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:45,876
No! Every man needs a space to keep
his private things and this chest is mine.
381
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:49,191
- What about the sock drawer?
- No.
382
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,590
That's where you hide your magazines.
383
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,231
Well, that was my decoy private space
and you fell for it. Ha!
384
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,275
No, this chest is my private space
and now... go away.
385
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,396
Maybe I don't want to go away.
386
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,552
And maybe, while I was
putting away the sheets,
387
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,712
I accidentally found something,
maybe a gift,
388
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,916
that my darling husband had hidden.
389
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,468
You can't leave things alone.
390
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:19,235
That fire extinguisher
was meant to be a surprise.
391
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,630
Fire extinguisher?
Then who was the Cartier watch for?
392
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,113
You!
393
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,471
You!
394
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:33,031
The fire extinguisher was meant
as a little joke gift, you see?
395
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,429
- Oh!
- Oh...
396
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,478
- Are you crying?
- After all these years
397
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,950
when I never thought
you'd ever notice and now...
398
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,917
And now this.
399
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,511
And now this.
400
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,512
- Are you crying too?
- Yeah.
401
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,236
Tears of joy, Susan.
402
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,914
Tears of bloody joy.
403
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,676
- I'm in hell, Dad.
- Welcome to the club.
404
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,672
I'm in love with
someone who's ruining my life.
405
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,910
Welcome to the club.
406
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,795
- Any club rules?
- Yep. One.
407
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,237
If it hurts or it's embarrassing,
shut up, no one wants to hear about it.
408
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,950
I love her, Dad!
409
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,110
I didn't think I cared but now I do.
410
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,158
And I want her back
but I don't want to change
411
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,310
and I don't want to lose her.
412
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:43,394
I never thought I could love
another person as much as I love me.
413
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,996
Yeah...
414
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,638
I know.
415
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,678
It's the same with me... Erm...
416
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,638
Mr Smith gave me a L2,000 watch
417
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,712
and, erm... he wants it back, right?
418
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:04,998
But your mother found it
in the chest and she thinks I...
419
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,116
bought it for her when, in fact,
420
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,317
I really bought her a fire extinguisher...
421
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:16,112
which one day
might save her life and, erm...
422
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,191
Now my life's in danger
423
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:21,033
because I can't give Mr Smith
the L2,000 watch back
424
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,076
and I don't know what to do.
425
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,754
Dad, please. Club rules.
426
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,559
Although, I do have an idea
that could help you.
427
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,393
Why don't you just ask Mum
for the watch back?
428
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,797
You really don't understand
women at all, do you?
429
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,997
That's what I've just been
trying to tell you.
430
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,594
OK, right, plan B.
431
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,309
What you do is,
you set the house on fire
432
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,994
and when everyone runs away,
you grab the watch.
433
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,992
Yeah, but everybody could get killed.
434
00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:02,154
That's the brilliant idea. Mum will really
appreciate that fire extinguisher.
435
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,189
Yeee...
436
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,511
No, forget it.
Your mother's got the watch,
437
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:13,070
- your mother's gonna keep it.
- Won't the mob break your legs?
438
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,199
That's nothing compared
to what your mother will break.
439
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,838
Open it.
440
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,435
This isn't the watch I gave you.
441
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,318
Yeah, I know...
442
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,790
The thing is my wife's wearing
the one... you gave me
443
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:41,032
and so I went out
to the jeweller's and bought another one
444
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,998
and went over the limit
on my credit card.
445
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,958
It's just like it, I hope you don't mind.
446
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,190
Mind? Why should I mind?
447
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,350
I mean, this one's real! (Laughs)
448
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,150
Look, guys, he went out
and bought a real one!
449
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,152
Next time come to me,
I can get you a bargain.
450
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,956
I miss you.
451
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,389
Your mother home?
452
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,710
Good.
453
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,760
Hello, Melinda. Glad things worked out.
454
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,392
Who's Melinda?
455
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,436
It's my middle name.
456
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,876
Ohhh, yes!
457
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,115
Ah, Susan, you're home.
458
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,589
I know.
459
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,319
- I was out running errands.
- I know.
460
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,995
- You know?
- Yes, the jeweller's called.
461
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,755
- They did?
- Cartier's won't engrave
462
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,957
a counterfeit Cartier watch.
463
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,950
Counterfeit?
464
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,998
They said the watch was counterfeit?
465
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:18,232
Yes. They also said
you were in buying a new one.
466
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,071
You little sweetheart!
467
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,750
- When do I get to see it?
- Oh...
468
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,435
When do the jeweller's close?
469
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,990
- They're already closed.
- Ah, right, well...
470
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,798
Close your eyes.
471
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,348
I'll be right back.
472
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:46,030
Two thousand... five hundred
and sixty?
473
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,351
- Five.
...five pounds. Yeah.
474
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,754
You're a very good husband.
475
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,958
I... hope this one's real.
476
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,110
Do I look like a crook?
37519
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