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1
00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:02,278
(Clattering)
2
00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:06,239
- Good morning.
- You're half right, it is morning.
3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,198
- This is delicious.
- What's for breakfast, darling?
4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,636
Tuscan omelettes, honey bunch.
5
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,676
Someone hide your medication?
6
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:18,355
There's a chef's job going
at Aberdeen Angus. Thought I'd practise.
7
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,512
You don't have Mum's cooking gene.
Must take after Dad.
8
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,716
- Do you want one, Dad?
- Are you mad?
9
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,031
I've managed to survive
your mother's cooking.
10
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,157
- I won't risk eating yours.
- Good. More for me.
11
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,276
What is this?
12
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,839
That tastes like something I remember.
13
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,592
Eggs?
14
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:44,036
Yes, that's what it is. It's like eggs.
15
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,750
I'll regret saying this, but good work.
16
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,354
- I'll make you one.
- Good.
17
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,197
- Er... Nick, what are you doing?
- Following the recipe.
18
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,510
It's from Naked Chef.
19
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,989
That's really, erm...
20
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:06,312
The Naked Chef isn't naked.
It's the name of the programme.
21
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,278
I'm willing to go that extra mile.
22
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,316
You had your kit off
when you made this?
23
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,870
- I wore an oven glove.
- Oh, Nick, that's disgusting!
24
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:28,039
- How are you doing, Brian?
- Nearly done.
25
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,669
- Stupid Brian's good at this.
- Don't call him that.
26
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,274
Sorry. Seems to have stuck.
I don't know why.
27
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,432
- Where's my screwdriver?
- In your hand.
28
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,115
- Ah.
- OK. But he is very kind.
29
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,191
Well, you always wanted a pet.
30
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,909
Stu... Brian, would you like
some tea or coffee?
31
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,831
Ah...
32
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,911
Mum, you've confused him now.
33
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,355
Sorry. I'll make you some tea.
34
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,228
There you go.
You could put a donkey on that.
35
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,993
- I was thinking cookbooks.
- Yeah. Cookbooks.
36
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,958
- What do I owe you?
- I don't want anything.
37
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,431
- I just want to help.
- No wonder they call you Stupid Brian.
38
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,433
(Repeated note)
39
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,239
What in the name of Satan
are you doing?
40
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,632
- Tuning the piano.
- Why don't I go back upstairs to bed?
41
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:30,350
and hopefully when I wake up
you won't be tuning the piano.
42
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,079
Carry on like that, Dad,
you'll wish your life away.
43
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,630
I tried wishing, Nick. It doesn't work.
44
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,917
No, you see, I met this bloke in a pub
45
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,036
and he sold me this piano tuning gear.
46
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,669
Only 80 quid. He said you can
make a lot of money with this.
47
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,751
He certainly has.
48
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,879
It's like Jack selling
the family cow for a handful of beans.
49
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,076
But those were magic beans.
50
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,355
So this is a magic piano tuning kit?
51
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,749
It's early days yet. Now hush.
52
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,629
(Note reverberates and twangs)
53
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,197
I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there.
54
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,750
And then sadly I find... he is.
55
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,876
He's having fun. He's young.
56
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,633
He's not young.
He's older than my bank manager.
57
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,429
- Dad, look what Brian's done.
- Knocked all the books down?
58
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,035
- No, he's fixed the shelf.
- The one I was going to fix?
59
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,954
No, the one I asked you to fix
two months ago but you haven't.
60
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,678
I was preparing.
61
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,513
It's a shelf,
not a round-the-world yacht race.
62
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,556
You're like a bull at a gate.
63
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,835
You can't fix a shelf just like that.
64
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,195
- Brian did.
- Course Brian did.
65
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,556
Let's have a look
at this shelf that Brian fixed.
66
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,996
Ha! Ha, ha! This won't last.
67
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,435
Yeah. Yeah, go on, then.
68
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:59,035
All right. All right.
Yeah, it'll stay for a while.
69
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,032
You were right.
You could hang a donkey off it.
70
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,793
Have you chosen a colour yet, Mrs P?
71
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:09,908
- It needs careful thought.
- Choosing colour needs thought, but...
72
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,798
- What colour?
- Surely you haven't forgotten.
73
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,394
How can I forget
something I never knew?
74
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,109
I wouldn't decorate the living room
without consulting you.
75
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,555
- What did I say?
- You said nothing.
76
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,313
I was asleep, wasn't I?
77
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,109
I've got enough to do without
checking whether you're awake.
78
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,158
- Excuse me a second.
- Had I been awake,
79
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,358
I would have said the living room
doesn't need decorating.
80
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,396
- (Piano keys crash)
- (Nick) Ow!
81
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,789
Oh, well, there's no going back now.
82
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,758
No going back?
I don't believe you sometimes.
83
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,752
- (Janey) That's better.
- You haven't chosen a colour.
84
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:50,675
First you don't want me to do it,
then you're nagging me to.
85
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,991
The living room is fine.
You can sit in it. You can lie in it.
86
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,514
You can watch telly in it. Why change it?
87
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,909
You must keep things fresh.
Like a marriage.
88
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,673
- I don't want ours fresh.
- I said a marriage.
89
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,716
If you want me to be doing it,
90
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,110
I've got a lot of free time
in perhaps a couple years.
91
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,156
That's why Brian's going to do it.
92
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,676
- What? Him?
- Oh. Hello, Mr Harper.
93
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,594
- He's an imbecile.
- But he's good at decorating.
94
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,877
- His dad's a decorator.
- Cool. So is my dad.
95
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,632
Well, it's going to be done.
96
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,998
If Brian's not going to do it, or you,
what's the alternative?
97
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,636
Anyone got a tuning fork?
98
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,429
Or any sort of fork, really.
Tell you what. A spoon.
99
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,398
Brian, you can start tomorrow.
100
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,278
Oi! What's the... What's the big idea?
101
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,430
Quantum mechanics? That's pretty big.
102
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,715
- Thanks for the toast.
- I'll toast you!
103
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,189
You'll be sorry when I'm dead!
104
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:09,909
- Morning, Mr C.
- Is it? You're making an early start.
105
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,958
Start? I can't start until
Mrs Harper's chosen the paint.
106
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,032
Wait a minute,
have you been here all night?
107
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,350
No, I've been in Janey's bedroom.
108
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,996
- Excuse me?
- I've been in Janey's bedroom.
109
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,674
I know that. It's just that I'm a bit...
110
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,228
- Deaf.
- No.
111
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:34,996
Erm... What I'm trying to say is, er...
112
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,234
- Have you been here all night?
- Yes.
113
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,675
- In Janey's bedroom?
- Yes.
114
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,194
- With Janey?
- Hope so.
115
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,111
Look, Brian, there are
a number of issues here.
116
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,919
Oh, no. Numbers.
117
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,560
- No, look, Brian...
- Oh, right. The tea.
118
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,710
Thanks.
119
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,711
Susan! Susan!
120
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,756
I don't want to worry you
121
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,229
but something disturbing has happened.
122
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,471
You made the tea but forgot
to pour it into the cups.
123
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,269
- I know. I'm upset.
- What's happened now?
124
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:19,797
Did the postman not push
the letters all the way through?
125
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,952
Stupid Brian has
spent the night with Janey.
126
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,676
What?
127
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,716
- In her bedroom.
- With...
128
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,349
- That is disturbing.
- I know. I know. I know.
129
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,273
Puts the tea business
in perspective, doesn't it?
130
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,996
- You gonna deal with it?
- Me?
131
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,231
- I deal with the boys.
- You've done a great job.
132
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,237
If I'm going up against her,
I need your support.
133
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,029
You've got it. I'm as unhappy about this
as you are. Although I...
134
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,190
- Don't weaken now.
- No.
135
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,352
But it's not as if
Janey's a child any more.
136
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,749
It's not as if she's not had boyfriends.
137
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,479
But it's a matter of parental respect.
138
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,120
We feel her behaviour is inappropriate
139
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,316
and she should consider our feelings.
140
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,870
Oh, that is so good. Yeah. Exactly.
141
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,918
So we're agreed...
We are agreed, aren't we?
142
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,514
Yeah. Course.
143
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,716
- What should we do?
- Pack up and leave.
144
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,472
Don't look back.
145
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,358
Ben, it's vital we present a united front.
146
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,398
- I'm with you.
- So no backing down.
147
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,436
No. Together, yeah?
148
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,754
Maybe we could leave her a note.
149
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,116
It's OK. Cut to the chase.
I know what this is about.
150
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,671
Good. Then you can tell Brian
he's not to stay the night in your room.
151
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,876
Oh, that? Is that all?
152
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,633
- All?
- Nothing.
153
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,032
- Why can't he stay in my room?
- Why... Erm...
154
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,635
- It's perfectly simple.
- Here we go again.
155
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,393
Liberal parents wake up to reality
and turn heavy.
156
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,189
No. No. No. It's, erm...
157
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,556
It's a matter of parental respect.
158
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,200
We feel your behaviour is inappropriate
159
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:11,990
and we would like you
to consider our feelings.
160
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:16,278
Janey's not a child any more.
We know she's had boyfriends.
161
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,430
- What?
- You're being a little pompous, Ben.
162
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,637
- Susan.
- It is the 21 st century.
163
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,109
Chill out, man, you know?
164
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,595
"Chill out"? I mean, like,
get in the groove, like, Daddio?
165
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:37,309
Mum, if you're so cool about it,
why are you here?
166
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,517
- Thank you. Why are you here?
- I... Well...
167
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,513
Obviously I don't have a problem
with it. l-l-lt's Michael.
168
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,033
- Michael?
- Yes.
169
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,270
I don't feel this situation is appropriate
170
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,749
while there's a 13-year-old living here.
171
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,718
- OK. Er... Michael?
- (Michael) Yes?
172
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,268
Do you mind Brian
staying the night in my room?
173
00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,433
Do you think I care what you get up to
with your idiot boyfriend?
174
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,875
- See? He's happy.
- No. Janey...
175
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,157
You're forgetting, Dad, I'm 17.
I can do what I like.
176
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,152
That's not true.
You can't vote, drive a minibus,
177
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,357
work in an off-licence,
teach scuba diving or be a pilot.
178
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,228
Thanks, Michael.
Now run along and count your spots.
179
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,551
At least my spots are on my face.
180
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,792
- Can I go?
- Yes.
181
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,350
No! What are you doing?
This discussion is not over.
182
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,556
Let's face it, we can't stop them.
183
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,474
Whatever they're doing at night
they can do during the day.
184
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,199
Cool! Thanks, Mum. See you.
185
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,715
- Well?
- I changed my mind.
186
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,077
What do you think?
Oatmeal or barley white?
187
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,550
You can't drag me into this.
Why did you change your mind?
188
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,713
If you don't choose the colour,
you'll complain afterwards.
189
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,076
I'm complaining now.
Why did you change your mind?
190
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,675
We're down to the last five.
Oatmeal, barley white,
191
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,672
taupe, cream or ecru.
192
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,638
There is no discernible
difference between any of them.
193
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,278
Maybe not to your eye.
194
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:19,036
They've just paid someone to come up
with five different names for beige.
195
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,757
Ooh. You're right. It is beige.
196
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,037
Next time you change your mind,
we'll have a secret signal,
197
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,510
like twitching your nose
or winking in Morse code.
198
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:38,799
I'm sorry. It's just...
I don't want to turn into my mother.
199
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,189
I don't want you to turn into your mother.
200
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,236
When I was Janey's age,
201
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,517
my mother was always
telling me what to do.
202
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,239
- No wonder I rebelled.
- You rebelled?
203
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,595
Yes. I married you.
204
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:54,831
At least I've got something
to thank your mother for.
205
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,276
If I end up like my mother,
Janey will end up like me
206
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,749
and the whole cycle will start again.
207
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,070
I don't care about your mother
or the cycle.
208
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,914
You said "present a united front"
then you disappeared.
209
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,039
- Beige is boring.
- Fine. I'll wash my hands of both of you.
210
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,715
I didn't abandon you.
I was just choosing my moment.
211
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,598
A battle isn't won
until the last bullet is fired.
212
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,989
Unless you're first out and get shot.
213
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,550
OK. Janey's too much for you?
I'll handle her on my own.
214
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,870
- Fine.
- You deal with the boys.
215
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,951
No problem.
216
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,270
(Piano note reverberates and twangs)
217
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,795
(Piano lid slams, Nick yelps)
218
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,034
(Makes lightsaber whooshing sound)
219
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,392
- Hello, Stu.
- I didn't see you there.
220
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,597
I know. Someone put a sheet over me.
221
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,638
Yeah, that was me.
Why didn't you say anything?
222
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,109
I thought you were tucking me in.
223
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,832
So, Stu, how's the decorating going?
224
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,911
Not much happening, is there?
225
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,956
I don't know, I haven't started yet.
226
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,118
Why do you keep calling me Stu?
227
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,272
Well, it's short for, erm... for, erm...
228
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,550
Stupid.
229
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,596
Cool.
230
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,595
What the hell do you think you're doing?
231
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,036
- Just vacuuming.
- The same spot for 20 minutes?
232
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,872
It's called being thorough.
233
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,758
It's called
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
234
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,912
It's ten o'clock and Janey and Brian
aren't up yet.
235
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,956
Ah. I'll be downstairs.
236
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,952
Wait! Stay here, you.
Remember, united front?
237
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,477
- Remember? I didn't forget.
- Keep your voice down!
238
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,949
What do you think
they're doing in there?
239
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,237
I don't want to know and now
I'm going to be wondering all day.
240
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,276
- Shh!
- What?
241
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,432
- I thought I heard something.
- What?
242
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:23,911
I don't know. A creak.
A floorboard maybe.
243
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,753
- Perhaps a spring.
- Oh, God.
244
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,636
Ben, what are you doing?
245
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,154
Something interesting going on in there?
246
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:39,119
- What are you doing here?
- You mean why aren't I having sex?
247
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,872
- No.
- Yes.
248
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,032
Sorry to disappoint you.
249
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,232
So then. Chosen that colour yet?
250
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,036
(Whistling)
251
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,396
(Bell ringing)
252
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,913
Morning, guv'nor. What can I do you for?
253
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,669
Great Caesar's ghost.
254
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,035
Hello, Dad. What are you doing here?
255
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,192
- I asked you first.
- No, you didn't.
256
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,875
You didn't tell me
you were working here.
257
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,155
If I told you every time I got a new job,
258
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,834
I'd never have time to work.
259
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,036
See the game last night?
260
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,679
What game?
There was no game last night.
261
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,716
Work with me. I'm in character.
262
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,036
(Whistles)
263
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,794
- Want some paint then?
- Oh, Jesus.
264
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,997
- Where are you off to, squire?
- To find another paint shop.
265
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,753
If I'm quick I might find
that you're not there.
266
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,308
Oh, OK, Dad. That's cool. I tried.
267
00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:01,679
I need 15 litres of paint mixed.
I can't afford to screw up.
268
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,069
Little lady got you under the thumb?
269
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,436
- My missus is just the same.
- All right. Cheers, Nick.
270
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,432
Dad, come on. It's 15 litres.
271
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,080
That'll look really good for me.
272
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,879
If I don't keep this job,
I don't know what I'll do.
273
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,758
There's always piano tuning, I suppose.
274
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,035
No, honestly. I won't screw up.
275
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,749
I can't screw up even if I wanted to.
It's all done on computer.
276
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,071
Plus, I'll give you
ten per cent staff discount.
277
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,675
All right. Nick, what's
the worst that can happen?
278
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,672
200 quid down the drain. Only kidding.
279
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,116
I just type in the code here...
280
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,751
What are we doing? Oh, yeah. Paint.
281
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:46,355
You screw this up
and they'll be scraping you off the wall.
282
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,193
Cool. Grumpy customer.
Nice character, Dad.
283
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,996
- Is that the colour you wanted?
- Looks like a tart's boudoir.
284
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,913
Maybe it'll be different
once it's up on the wall.
285
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,352
- Looks like a tart's boudoir.
- I quite like it.
286
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,795
It's like Janey's bedroom.
287
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,916
Nick, paint, computers.
I should have seen it coming.
288
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,276
- I'll take it back tomorrow morning.
- Oh.
289
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:25,830
I suppose you can go home, Brian.
We don't need you now.
290
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,037
Or you can spend
the rest of the day here with me.
291
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,759
And the evening. And whatever.
292
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,796
I'll just finish up here then.
293
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,997
Janey. A word. In the kitchen.
294
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,310
- Mum wants a word with us.
- Alone.
295
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,039
Anything you say to me,
you can say in front of Brian.
296
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,680
- Are you still waxing your lip?
- Mum!
297
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,269
- You know I don't wax my lip.
- You know I don't like that attitude.
298
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:54,318
OK. What's your problem?
Brian staying?
299
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,231
I don't have a problem with that.
300
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,629
It's... It's... It's your father. Yes.
301
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,676
It makes him grumpy.
302
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,991
He's grumpy anyway.
Why change things?
303
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,868
I think you don't like the idea
of Brian spending the night here
304
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,269
and you're thinking up
reasons to justify it.
305
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,430
I don't need a reason. I'm your mother.
306
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:16,957
You can't just invite a boy to stay
without checking with us.
307
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,156
Fine. Can Brian stay tonight?
308
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,753
- No.
- Why not?
309
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,229
- Because.
- That's not a reason!
310
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,072
- It is a very good reason.
- Why?
311
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,277
Because we didn't do it in our day.
312
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:33,195
You did. You're just jealous because
you felt guilty about it and I don't.
313
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,952
- So, did you tell her?
- Yes.
314
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,190
What did you tell her?
315
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,796
I said you were very unhappy
with the Brian situation.
316
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:49,277
Great. Why are you always turning me
into the pompous fart?
317
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,476
Because it's so easy.
318
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:55,269
Stop playing the kind,
enlightened child of the '60s.
319
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,316
- Well, I am.
- No, you were.
320
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,073
Hello, wake up, hippy.
Woodstock's over.
321
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,357
I'm sorry. When I was talking to Janey,
322
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,670
I started hearing my mother's voice.
323
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,115
It was like The Exorcist.
324
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,716
(Evil voice) You can't do this.
You can't wear that.
325
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,438
Where are you going?
326
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:19,799
You'll never be popular
if you don't brush your hair.
327
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:28,392
So did you use that voice?
How did she take it?
328
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,519
I don't know and I don't care.
329
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:36,559
Never mind your mother.
You're beginning to sound like me.
330
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,759
Come on!
Come on, I know you're in there!
331
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,400
Come on, hurry up, you useless idiot.
332
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,755
- Excuse me?
- Oh, sorry.
333
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,070
I was expecting a useless idiot.
334
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,436
I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir.
335
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:01,878
Where's Nick? Nick Harper.
The bloke working here yesterday.
336
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,919
- I'm not with you, sir.
- He sold me this revolting paint.
337
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,991
He got the numbers wrong on the mixer
338
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,595
and produced something
the colour of a meerkat's vomit.
339
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,477
I don't think so, sir.
340
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,393
- I'd like my money back.
- I don't think so, sir.
341
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,755
- I'd like my money back.
- I don't think so.
342
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,796
We could go on like this for some time.
343
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:25,635
You may have better things to do
but I'd rather be here than at home.
344
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,315
There was no Nick Harper
working here yesterday.
345
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,350
Look, six foot two. Reddish hair.
346
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,193
Oh, you mean Cliff Challenger.
347
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,669
- Cliff Challenger.
- Why didn't you say so?
348
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,194
Because he...
349
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,398
Yeah, that's him.
So I'd like my money back.
350
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,835
It couldn't have been Cliff
who mixed this.
351
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,708
- He's been our best worker ever.
- What?
352
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,598
He's been promoted to head office.
353
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,672
- You're lying, aren't you?
- Yes.
354
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,228
- You know how I know?
- No.
355
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,515
Cliff Challenger is my son
356
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,593
and I know his talents
do not lie in the executive area.
357
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,352
Oh, your son?
358
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,796
Then perhaps you'd like to write
your full name and address here.
359
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:14,316
- Glad we're seeing sense.
- So we can send the bill.
360
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,118
What? What bill?
361
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,192
For offering random staff discounts
362
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,477
to friends, family
and bus loads of strangers.
363
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,599
For instituting an all-day happy hour.
In a paint shop.
364
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,750
And for wasting 22 litres of paint
365
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,515
on a mural of Britney Spears
across the road.
366
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,433
Whatever my son has or hasn't done,
367
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,795
I'd like my money back for this paint.
368
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,919
- Why? It's your fault.
- What do you mean, my fault?
369
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,072
You knew he was an idiot
when you bought it.
370
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,958
Excuse me. My son is not an idiot.
371
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,508
OK. How much do you want?
372
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,036
(Note reverberates and twangs)
373
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,359
- Nick!
- Yes, Dad?
374
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,431
Nothing.
375
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,954
If there's one thing I've learned in life,
376
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,112
it's once a piano tuner,
always a piano tuner.
377
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,954
Best to stick to what you're good at.
378
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,429
- (String snaps)
- Oh, dear.
379
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,033
- Did you get the paint?
- Don't push me.
380
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,998
- I'm too tired for sarcasm.
- You angel.
381
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,391
- And it's the right colour.
- Are you sure?
382
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,916
Maybe.
383
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,434
Maybe we should go for bolder colours.
384
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,830
How about dried blood?
385
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,148
Ooh...
386
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,549
Ben, how about soapstone?
387
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,631
Soapstone. Soapstone.
You like soapstone?
388
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,554
Hmm... Ye... Nn...
389
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,676
We like soapstone. Soapstone's good.
390
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,558
It's warm. It's light.
It goes with the furniture.
391
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,871
- Choose soapstone. Please.
- Mm... Ye...
392
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,076
Brian, are you coming to bed?
393
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,392
- Are you determined to defy me?
- I hadn't given it that much thought.
394
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,040
- Janey! Enough is enough.
- Thank you.
395
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,157
She was about to make a decision
and you distract her
396
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,073
with your infernal teenage lusts.
397
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,156
So, you like soapstone?
398
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:33,031
Ye... Nnn... Ooh...
Oh, I don't know.
399
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,116
- Can I wait in here?
- Yeah, come in.
400
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,590
There's always room for two
in my personal hell.
401
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,636
Cheers.
402
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:47,191
So, what do you do
if someone you respect and care for
403
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,397
asks you to do something
that you don't think is right?
404
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,436
You know, in the bedroom.
405
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,870
- What?
- Or the toilet.
406
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,636
That's too much information.
407
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,711
I'm not saying I'm not up for it.
408
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:09,237
Brian, whatever you and my...
Janey get up to
409
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,470
is, erm...
410
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,790
I just don't want to know about it.
411
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,031
It's not Janey. It's your wife.
412
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,558
What?
413
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,269
She wants me to decorate
your bedroom. And your toilet.
414
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,158
(Laughs)
415
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,958
Oh, is that all?
416
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,873
- So you're happy about it?
- Yeah.
417
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,952
A lot happier than about
the thing I thought you meant.
418
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,838
- Can we talk about Janey now?
- No, please.
419
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,115
- She's doing my nut in.
- Welcome to the family.
420
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,760
If I stay I'm gonna upset your missus
421
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,831
and if I don't I'm gonna upset Janey.
422
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,876
Whatever I do I'll upset somebody.
423
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,633
Welcome to the family.
424
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,869
You know, Brian, I don't care.
425
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,679
I'm tired, mentally,
physically, emotionally...
426
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,320
and I just want to go to bed.
427
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,994
So do I. But where?
428
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,677
Brian, haven't you got any initiative?
429
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,514
No. So look, when you go home tonight,
430
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,398
take your ladder and put it up
against Janey's bedroom
431
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,550
and climb up and bingo.
432
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,029
Bingo?
433
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,032
I don't think that's
what she's got in mind.
434
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,751
Look, Brian, people don't mind things
435
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:31,355
when they don't know
that it's happening.
436
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:36,798
OK. But don't you think the whole thing's
a little bit... What's the word?
437
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,190
- Hypocritical?
- No, difficult.
438
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,550
Ben, we've got to do something
about that girl. It's...
439
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,359
- It's all sorted out.
- What?
440
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,637
If you want something done,
get a man to do it.
441
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,439
- Brian's going home.
- What did you say to him?
442
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,476
I put my foot down. All right, Brian?
443
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,994
Mr H. Missus.
444
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,799
OK, Brian, safe journey home, OK?
445
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,316
I'm not going home.
Oh... Yeah. Good night.
446
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,156
That's wonderful. What did you do?
447
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,629
I deal with the boys, OK?
448
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:19,190
Now you do me the courtesy
of picking a bloody colour.
449
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,236
I don't know, Ben.
450
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,676
Maybe the sitting room
is better the way it was.
451
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,912
- What?
- The living room's fine.
452
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,356
You can sit in it,
you can watch telly in it,
453
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,079
it's cosy enough, comfortable.
454
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,276
Not any more.
455
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,794
I can't take the stress.
It's too much trouble.
456
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,030
And you haven't been much help.
457
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,836
I haven't been much...
458
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,753
Listen, you. You listen to me.
459
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:57,233
I have been back and forth
to that paint shop eight times,
460
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,276
while you make up your mind
461
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,830
between cuttlefish,
salmon pink, and squid.
462
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:07,994
I've spent L600 on paint,
L200 on Nick's staff discount,
463
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:12,119
not to mention the fortune
it'll cost to repair that piano!
464
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,795
Stress? You don't know
the meaning of the word.
465
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,793
And now you've got the bloody gall
to say I've been no help!
466
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,314
That's the colour I want
for the sitting room!
467
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,270
Sorry. Just got to get Janey
a glass of water.
468
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,038
(Each key plays same note)
469
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,470
Pretty good, eh?
470
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:04,395
Nick, you've tuned
the whole piano to the same note.
471
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:08,029
That's right. Middle C.
472
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:09,951
Perfect.
473
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,998
What in the name of all the gods
is the point of that?
474
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,992
What is the point of a sunset?
475
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,514
What is the point of a snowflake?
476
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,194
What is the point of a butterfly's wing?
477
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,829
You're right. What is the point?
478
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,913
What is the point?
479
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,753
As long as that bloody row
is over and done with.
480
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,319
(Strikes tuning fork, plays piano)
481
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,710
Hold on. That's not middle C.
482
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,600
I'd better start again.
38119
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