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1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,995
- What's this?
- It's for Oxfam.
2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,389
We're getting rid of stuff we don't need.
3
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,756
- Would they take Nick?
- No, they've suffered enough.
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,789
Did someone actually wear this?
5
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,509
Well, it's from the '70s.
It was a different time then.
6
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,795
People were hip, wild and...
7
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,996
Colour-blind?
8
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,913
Do you have anything to contribute?
9
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,309
- Can I get some new clothes?
- No.
10
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,549
Sorry.
11
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,232
Thatcher's children.
12
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,835
- What's this?
- We need more wardrobe space.
13
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,150
I'm donating some of our clothes
to Oxfam.
14
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,549
Some of... our clothes?
15
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,757
Susan, these are all my clothes.
16
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,991
- Some of my clothes are here.
- Where?
17
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,916
Ah! Here.
18
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,390
You're not going to throw
that away, surely(?)
19
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,675
Oh, maybe you're right.
20
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,228
And what's this? I haven't worn this.
21
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,232
- Are you going to?
- No, it's ugly.
22
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,709
And, Susan, what is this?
23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,075
A terrible, terrible mistake.
24
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,798
I love this.
25
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,757
You haven't worn it in 25 years.
26
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,796
It'll come back in.
27
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,155
There'll be a snowman in hell first.
28
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,231
Well, I'll need this then.
29
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,834
You can't throw away my lucky tie!
30
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,433
When did you last wear it?
31
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,476
Our wedding!
32
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:33,599
Get rid of everything we haven't worn
for at least five years.
33
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,911
Oh, really?
Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.
34
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,956
Yes, but I just hate that one.
35
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,873
- I love this shirt.
- Look, it's got holes,
36
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,916
there's no buttons, it's frayed.
37
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,150
How much will Oxfam get for this?
38
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,196
- 40, 50p.
- OK.
39
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,271
All right, here's a pound.
40
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,476
And I'll take these while I'm at it.
41
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,556
All set for a night out then(!)
42
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,116
Look at all this cool gear!
43
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,590
You see, Susan, this is not junk,
this is... cool gear.
44
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,240
- Go on, Nick, help yourself.
- Really?
45
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,439
Cool.
46
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,312
Cheers.
47
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,195
Hello, new girl, what's your name?
48
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,238
H-Hello? Sorry, am I dead?
Did I disappear?
49
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,550
I'm just setting up surgery, Mr H.
50
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:32,519
We are set up - here are the instruments,
here's the patient,
51
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,592
we're under starter's orders
and... suction!
52
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,875
No, I'm setting up harmonically,
53
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,270
aligning the vibrations
of this room with Mother Nature.
54
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,952
I'm sorry?
55
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,996
(Whale song)
56
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,877
Sorry, er, what is this?
57
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,757
The song of the humpback whale.
58
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,996
I don't care if it's the song
of the lonely goatherd, turn it off.
59
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,718
It's relaxing.
60
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,475
This is a dental surgery,
you're not meant to be relaxed.
61
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,120
How about the song of the narwhal?
62
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,430
- (Groaning)
- No. No, no, no.
63
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,556
- The sea lion?
- No, no sea lion.
64
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:15,270
- Oh, African tree frog!
- No! No, just turn it off.
65
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,510
Right, I'm sorry, Mr Lewis.
66
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,670
(Mimics whale song squeal)
67
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,393
Would you get out, Brigitte, please?
68
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,516
Have a plankton break, go on.
69
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,991
No wonder the last girl left.
You're very hostile, you know.
70
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,469
She didn't leave, I killed her.
71
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,273
Figure of speech, Mr Lewis.
72
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,112
Take a rinse, please.
73
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,318
- Hi. How's the new girl?
- Trained at SeaWorld.
74
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,750
Has the garage finished with the car?
75
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,717
No, and - one minute, Mr Lewis -
76
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,270
they want to know how we drove it
without a brake pedal.
77
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,271
The pedal's in the back seat.
78
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,751
When your son tinkers with the car,
one, he should warn people,
79
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,559
and two, if he finds
a brake pedal left over
80
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,551
he should assume it's not finished.
81
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,279
Why is it when Nick
annoys you, he's my son
82
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,557
and when he does something
you're proud of, he's...
83
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,596
No, that's never happened.
84
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,156
Good film, innit?
85
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,279
You say that to show them you're
interested in their opinions,
86
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,316
while all the time...
87
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,557
Now watch this move.
You've got to do it slowly.
88
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,551
(Sniffs, clears throat)
89
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,917
Oh!
90
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,956
Sorry, hand slipped.
91
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,275
Thought you fancied me. Oh!
92
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,635
Stop it! This is important!
93
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,996
It's my first date with a girl.
I'm bound to do something pants.
94
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,036
God, I don't even know the rules!
95
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,271
Ah. These are the noughties -
there aren't any.
96
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,751
Boys have all the responsibility.
Girls have an easy time of it.
97
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,798
They can go as far as they want
and then say, "Stop".
98
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,757
OK, that's the one rule.
99
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,832
The guy's obliged to stop
if a girl tells him.
100
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,514
But what if she doesn't say stop?
What then?
101
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,433
Just a quick "Thank you, God,"
would do it.
102
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,752
Now you try.
103
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,791
No, get off! She's mine!
104
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,836
Find your own.
105
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,115
Ugh, no, not him - that's a bloke!
106
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,840
Grab her twin sister, she's lovely.
107
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,635
Cool, cool, play it cool.
108
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,517
Surf it, smooth.
109
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,989
I feel like a total prat!
110
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,436
Hey, look at this, I fixed dad's chair.
111
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,876
- It wasn't broken.
- Anyone can fix broken stuff.
112
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,152
It takes a genius
to fix something that works.
113
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,795
Hello! What are you doing?
114
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,917
- He fixed dad's chair.
- It doesn't squeak now.
115
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:12,118
I thought Dad said never to touch
anything of his again?
116
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,156
Not never touch anything of his.
117
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,754
No, he said never touch anything - at all.
118
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,917
That's just parents.
119
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,118
You know what they're like -
blah blah blah blah blah -
120
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,430
they don't really mean what they say.
121
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,476
No one can be that uptight.
122
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,269
"You drank milk from the bottle?
My life is ruined!"
123
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,830
Besides, if I'm going for that
part-time job at Twin Exhaust,
124
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,639
I've got to practise my skills, haven't I?
125
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,154
My whole Zen ninja mechanic thing.
126
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,912
You have a ninja mechanic thing?
127
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,833
- You drank milk from the bottle?
- Yeah.
128
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,549
The Zen ninja has incredible focus,
129
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,349
he doesn't have to know what
he's doing. It's all instinct.
130
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:59,513
Did you pour it from a distance
or did you dribble it back?
131
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,919
Both!
132
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:07,355
Between my innate ability
to size up any mechanical problem,
133
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:11,319
plus the mature look
that comes with the moustache...
134
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,038
...the job is mine.
- What moustache?
135
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,076
I've been growing it all week.
136
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,879
- You can't see it.
- What?
137
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,951
Well, what if I do this?
138
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,879
Tilt your head to catch the light.
139
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,632
Down a bit.
140
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,073
- Yes, that's you!
- Thanks.
141
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,357
Hello, Mum!
142
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,719
Don't mock the afflicted, it's not nice.
143
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,678
Fetch the rest of
the shopping from the car.
144
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,435
- I'm not allowed to touch the car.
- Michael will open the door.
145
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,431
Mummy, let me help you.
146
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,670
Thank you, whatever you're up to.
147
00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:01,197
- Do I have to be up to something?
- I don't care, keep helping!
148
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,477
You know, erm, Prada's having
a once-in-a-lifetime sale?
149
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,471
You said, last week.
150
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,313
Ahh, the art of slow cooking.
151
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,868
You whip something up in the morning,
152
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,475
pop it in the oven
and when you get home, there it is...
153
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,519
- Whatever it is.
- That looks disgusting.
154
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,990
The word "disgusting"
does not belong in a kitchen.
155
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,230
It looks interesting...
156
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,999
and tastes as interesting as it looks.
157
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,798
Maybe it needs pepper.
158
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,359
Maybe it needs binning?
159
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,591
If you're trying to butter me up
it's not working.
160
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,470
No, but there are a pair of jeans at Prada
that I would look brilliant in.
161
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:46,394
We'll add pineapple chunks
and call it Hawaiian Surprise.
162
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,155
- You're not even listening.
- I am. I'm just not agreeing.
163
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,117
These are a L100 pair of jeans
164
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,760
marked down to... less than a hundred.
165
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,070
I've got the money Grandma gave me.
166
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,037
That's for college. We agreed.
167
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,031
We didn't agree, you agreed.
168
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,076
And I can't do any more, can I?
169
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,310
Mum, I'll need jeans at college!
170
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,154
So buy them at college,
it's something to look forward to.
171
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,038
- You are so unreasonable.
- That's my job.
172
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,874
- I wish I was dead!
- Janey! How can you say that?
173
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,077
I wish I were dead - the subjunctive!
174
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,153
Boys are more impressed
by good grammar than tight jeans.
175
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,236
Hi! Bye.
176
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,316
What's her problem?
177
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,357
Don't tell me... she wants a nose ring.
178
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,431
She wants a tattoo.
179
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,069
She wants a cold sore because
all her friends have got one.
180
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,914
- Don't be sarcastic.
- I'm too tired to be sarcastic.
181
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,549
- Mrs Newland rang.
- My God...
182
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,916
Why can't that woman ring
during office hours?
183
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,116
She says you never return her calls.
184
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,794
- Because she's evil.
- She's not.
185
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,236
She keeps losing her dentures
and has me make new ones.
186
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,959
- That is your job.
- That's not the point.
187
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,679
How can you lose six pairs of dentures?
188
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,955
They're in your mouth or in a glass.
189
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,715
Unless she drank them you cannot
lose six pairs of dentures.
190
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,917
Well, the poor dear
didn't lose them this time.
191
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,309
They broke when someone sat on them.
192
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,233
I hope she wasn't wearing them
at the time.
193
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,952
That image has just ruined
my entire evening.
194
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,312
Oh, God, Susan,
195
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,312
why, why, why did I become a dentist?
196
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,676
No one respects you,
no one slaps you on the back
197
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,558
and says, "Great bridgework, mate."
198
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:41,077
Everyone avoids you at parties because
they associate you with pain.
199
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,993
Oh, Ben, that's not dentistry, that's you.
200
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,271
I associate you with pleasure.
201
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,955
I tell you, sometimes I think
things couldn't get worse.
202
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,237
- Look on the bright side.
- That is the bright side.
203
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,151
- Things can get worse.
- Hey.
204
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,196
I rest my case.
205
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,030
Either you bought a broken bottle
206
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,350
or it broke when I dropped the bag.
207
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,795
In the sink, not on the table!
208
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,316
Hey, Dad, guess what.
209
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,234
You've found a job
and you're moving out? (Laughs)
210
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,276
He's such a joker!
211
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,749
Dad's such a joker!
212
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,796
No, I've fixed your chair.
213
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,715
- You've what?
- It wasn't broken.
214
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,314
- I got rid of the squeak.
- You got rid of?
215
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,437
I like the squeak. I love the squeak!
216
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,229
I-I sit in my chair, I hear my squeak
217
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,754
and it reminds me I'm not quite dead.
218
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,673
- He's in a mood.
- It's not a mood, it's life.
219
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,399
Just leave things alone, Nick, please.
220
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,311
If it's broken, don't fix it.
221
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,789
If it's lying there, don't pick it up.
222
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,155
If it's dripping, don't let it flood,
223
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,913
but Nick, don't touch anything any more!
224
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,070
Dad! Relax, man,
225
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,116
I'll put the squeak back.
226
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,276
He's mad.
227
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,832
What?
228
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,753
He's just going through
an awkward phase.
229
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,228
20 years is not a phase, Susan.
230
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,799
It's him.
231
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,438
Mm!
232
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,795
(Susan) Mm-mm-mm!
233
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,996
Is this...
234
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,315
a pineapple chunk?
235
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,198
Yes. The dish is called
Hawaiian Surprise.
236
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,670
Ah, it's really, erm... exotic.
237
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,990
You haven't touched yours, Michael.
238
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,550
I'm not hungry.
Actually I might go up to bed,
239
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,437
you know, curl up with my pillow.
240
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,476
(Laughs)
241
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,313
- Are you upset about something?
- No. Why?
242
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,550
Er, is this a radish?
243
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,754
Cos they don't have radishes in Hawaii.
244
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,398
(Laughs) Yes.
245
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,596
It is called Hawaiian Surprise.
246
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,558
The radish is the surprise! Surprise!
247
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,553
Now, Michael, you know,
if you have a problem, talk it out.
248
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,792
Because confronting a problem
is half the solution, isn't it?
249
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,632
Mm... No.
250
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:17,396
No, it only makes it come back
with a big mate and thump you.
251
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,950
- Anyone want some milk?
- Not while you live here.
252
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,589
So, Michael, you can tell me
because I'm a tour guide.
253
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,591
Communication is my life.
254
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,639
It's not the sort of thing you
want to talk to your mum about.
255
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,077
- Has the rash come back?
- Oh, please, Susan, for God's sake!
256
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,037
He's going out with a girl.
257
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,429
I can't believe you! This is war!
258
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,159
Michael, don't you dare touch my stuff!
259
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,629
- I'm gonna kill you!
- (Door slams)
260
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,757
- (Janey) Get back here!
- Well, that cleared the air.
261
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,910
It certainly cleared the room.
262
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,390
- Why do you never back me up?
- Years of experience.
263
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,950
Sometimes you behave as if
you don't like the children.
264
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,828
I... It-lt's not a question of like or dislike,
265
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,956
it's a question of fear.
266
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,076
I'm frightened of them.
267
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,032
Two extremes, Susan.
268
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,795
Either they ignore you or
they turn to you for answers,
269
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,393
which is terrifying.
270
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,040
If I'd've known,
I never would have had sex.
271
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,316
Don't kid yourself.
272
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,314
Look, I'm sorry.
She'd get it out of you anyway.
273
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,676
I didn't want another list
of your skin problems.
274
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,594
- She has to control everything.
- Not me. Check these out.
275
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,434
- Aren't they great?
- Not my size. Too big in the bum.
276
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,671
- Did you read the sign?
- It says Women Keep Out.
277
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,716
- Yeah.
- I'm not a woman.
278
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,395
So, Mikey, looking forward
to going out on your date?
279
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,314
It's not a date, it's in the afternoon
and her parents are taking us.
280
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,392
It's a start. A pathetically slow start.
281
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,357
So, what's her name?
282
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,193
- Michelle.
- Michelle from school?
283
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,510
The one with burger in her braces?
284
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,672
- It was macaroni.
- You tasted it?
285
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,629
Don't be disgusting.
I know because she's vegetarian.
286
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,757
I sat next to her at lunch
and she talked to me.
287
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,718
- What did she say?
- "Got a toothbrush?"
288
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,155
Shut up! Right, listen, Michael,
289
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:19,438
if you're gonna go out with a girl,
first of all - wash.
290
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,717
OK? Boys need to realise
that animal magnetism
291
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,076
doesn't necessarily mean
animal smell, OK?
292
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,833
- Say you love her perfume.
- She doesn't wear any.
293
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,754
Even better, tell her
she smells like I'air du temps.
294
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,115
- L'air du temps.
- Yeah.
295
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,997
- L'air du temps!
- No, too much.
296
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,310
Sounds like you want to borrow it.
297
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,709
- So how much did you pay?
- Nick!
298
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,951
98 quid for jeans
you're afraid to wear out?!
299
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,554
No, I'm just respecting Mum's feelings.
300
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,030
- By lying to her?
- Yes. You lie all the time.
301
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,590
No, I always tell the truth.
That's what scares them.
302
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,556
I'm off to pottery class!
303
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,072
I'm firing my urn tonight.
Beautiful, isn't it?
304
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,116
Yes, and dinner was lovely.
305
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,509
- So earthy.
- So was dinner.
306
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,358
I think it's beautiful.
307
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,274
Maybe we should be buried in it.
Blend our ashes together.
308
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,397
You'll end up hogging
most of the urn anyway.
309
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,357
Mum, have you got a sec?
310
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,319
Absolutely. Carpe diem.
Carpe all the diem you can get.
311
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,517
About the jeans.
I thought about what you said...
312
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,637
You're a bright young woman,
it's your decision.
313
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,392
Thanks.
314
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,314
There's a pair of jeans
or the respect of those who love you.
315
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,995
Frivolity or integrity.
A meaningless fad...
316
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,116
Mum, I've already bought them.
317
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,471
Something wrong?
318
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,915
No, everything's fine, wonderful.
319
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,752
Good, good.
320
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,669
How can you sit there and eat
when things are in such chaos?
321
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,876
Strong stomach.
322
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,953
Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you.
323
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,349
I'm sitting here
calmly eating my breakfast
324
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,557
while you breathe at me
like an Aberdeen Angus.
325
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:29,110
Of course you don't understand me.
You're deranged.
326
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,839
First of all, I am not breathing
327
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,559
I am expressing myself subvocally.
328
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,155
Second, our children
are in open rebellion.
329
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,674
- It's a phase, you said so.
- Don't...
330
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,911
I knew I would get involved
somehow. Go on.
331
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,949
They are in crisis because you and I
are giving them crossed signals.
332
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,554
I haven't given them any signals.
333
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,995
My aim is to be
the black hole of signaldom.
334
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,675
We've got to make more of an effort
to get through to them.
335
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,558
This is because
Janey bought those jeans.
336
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,155
I just haven't expressed myself
properly on that yet.
337
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,915
But this afternoon, Michael...
338
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,956
Oh, Michael...
339
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,431
is going out with this... woman.
340
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,951
They're both 12.
341
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,349
That's not the point.
342
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,874
Our son is crying out for guidance.
343
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,757
Oh, no, he's not!
344
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,513
It's a silent cry, a mother... hears.
345
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,639
- Then a mother must answer.
- It's silent a cry for his father.
346
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,269
- Sorry, don't hear anything.
- Because it's silent.
347
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,675
A mother hears these things,
a mother must answer them.
348
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,399
- Father...
- A mother... A mother...
349
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,232
Father...
350
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,112
Daddy...
351
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,717
OK, how do I know
when to put my arm around her?
352
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,075
Oh, that's simple.
353
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,119
Wait for the first time in the film
when someone gets gored.
354
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:04,113
Or dismembered. And when
she screams and leans into you
355
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,794
you put your arm round her
and wah-hey!
356
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,273
Hiya.
357
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,351
- Hi.
- OK? Am I interrupting?
358
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,793
No.
359
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,599
I was just giving him some hints
on the facts of life.
360
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,477
That's what I was afraid of.
361
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,516
- Nick.
- Hm?
362
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,756
It's a book.
363
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,916
A film. No, it's a film.
364
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,956
How many syllables?
365
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,036
(Whispering) Get out!
366
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,392
So, big boy, Michael...
367
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,072
(Chuckles)
368
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,388
Whoo!
369
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,913
Whoo-hoo!
370
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,877
Going out with a girl, eh?
371
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,439
Mm.
372
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,910
Yeah, er, well... (Clears throat)
373
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,118
Your mother thinks that we, erm,
should have a little chat.
374
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,839
- No, I'm fine!
- Good, that's what I thought!
375
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,876
I'll, er, see you later.
376
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,475
- What about the pressure?
- What? What pressure?
377
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,997
Now listen, Michael,
according to some religions, nothing.
378
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,516
Nothing. You know,
you wait until your wedding night.
379
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,558
- What?
- Yeah, the pr... The... What?
380
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,392
Different pressure.
381
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,914
What pressure are you talking about?
382
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,752
To know everything.
383
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,435
To be cool and easy
when everything's such a huge worry.
384
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,513
Worrying about everything -
all the major stages.
385
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,352
"Major stages"?
386
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,556
Yeah. First, you hold her hand,
387
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,030
if she doesn't say "Stop"
you put your arm around her.
388
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,954
If she still doesn't say "Stop"
she's expecting to be kissed.
389
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,998
So you kiss. Your first kiss.
390
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,674
I mean, isn't that enough for one day?
391
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,671
Oh, sure, yeah.
392
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,751
To go home and think about it.
393
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,592
Just, yeah, think. Mm-hm.
394
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,196
What if she doesn't say "Stop"?
What if she never says "Stop"?
395
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,756
Michael, that never happens.
396
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,150
Like, erm...
397
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,674
You see... This is really difficult
398
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,116
but you know when I was
first going out with a girl...
399
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,033
Not your mother, of course, you know...
400
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,839
I remember going out with your mother...
401
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,559
but that was a different "going out"...
402
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:31,394
- (Whistles) I'm wittering, aren't I?
- Completely.
403
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:35,678
Yeah, well, this is
really difficult, Michael. I mean, I...
404
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,513
(Coughs) Now, my dad...
(Slaps thighs)
405
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:42,593
My dad loved to give advice
and I was going out with this girl
406
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:46,514
and he said, "Ben, no matter
how beautiful you think she is,
407
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,433
"no matter how much
you're in love with her,
408
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,431
"if she eats some dodgy fish
409
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,513
"she'll end up chucking her guts up
like the rest of us."
410
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,511
That's gross.
411
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,990
That really is gross, isn't it?
I know, but they...
412
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,277
Parents are like that.
They say demented things
413
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,999
and think it's clever cos they said it.
414
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,036
(Sighs)
415
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:14,194
Michael, I, erm...
I don't know what advice to give you.
416
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,236
I mean, all I can see when
I look at you is a little boy
417
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,675
dragging around a Postman Pat doll.
418
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:26,197
All I can say is don't be
in such a hurry to grow up, right?
419
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,430
That's stupid, isn't it, but...
420
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,073
OK?
421
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,230
Cos you want to, don't you?
422
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,153
Well, that should
make your mother happy.
423
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,390
(Chuckles)
424
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,914
- OK now? Is that good?
- I think so.
425
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,195
- Yeah, yeah...
- Dad?
426
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,430
What does... mean?
427
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,391
I think we'd better
sit down again, shall we?
428
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,789
(Screeching whir in background)
429
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,674
You left it blank under experience.
430
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,797
Well, I don't have
any experience experience.
431
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,154
But I do have ninja focus.
432
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,679
- Right.
- Very impressive in action.
433
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,918
Your birthday's June 15 - what year?
434
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,076
Every year.
435
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,035
The moustache is new though.
436
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:31,835
It can always come off.
437
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,476
(Door slams)
438
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,797
# Hey, ho, hey nonny-no #
439
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,156
If you're going to ignore me
do you have to be so loud?
440
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,789
I'm not ignoring you,
I'm just nursing a wound.
441
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,519
Go and play, go and play, I'll survive.
442
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,795
You're making such a big thing of it.
443
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,475
Oh, excuse me, I didn't realise
the trust and faith
444
00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,916
I put into my only daughter
would be "nothing".
445
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,798
Would you feel better
if I took them back?
446
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,791
It might ease the pain.
447
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,236
Well, I can't. Prada doesn't
give refunds on sales.
448
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,118
So be it, you chose
between Miuccia Prada
449
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,158
and your own mother and Miuccia won.
450
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,949
Although with a name like
Miuccia the victory is pyrrhic.
451
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,077
How about I never wear them?
Is that what you want?
452
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:27,029
No. I want you to feel really guilty.
453
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:30,669
Heartbreakingly
I'll-never-do-it-again guilty.
454
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,716
No, that's not possible.
455
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,268
There's nothing to feel guilty about.
456
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:39,717
You have to feel guilty
when you don't want to feel guilty!
457
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,711
That's how it works!
458
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,109
You think you're happy
and then, ka-pow!
459
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,270
It's been that way for generations.
460
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,590
OK, well how about this then, Mum,
461
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,150
I feel guilty, erm,
but you learn the valuable lesson?
462
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,074
Are you negotiating terms of remorse?
463
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,720
Why not? I've got a good teacher.
464
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,592
You're not so stupid, are you?
465
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,475
So can you take them up for me?
I'm gonna need them by nine.
466
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,755
But then you're not so clever either.
467
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,434
I think that goes over there.
468
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,715
Would it make any difference?
469
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,509
I like this look -
it's kind of crazed and distressed.
470
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,875
Don't say anything, I've got the glue gun.
471
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,951
Well, I'm off.
472
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,031
(All) Ohh!
473
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,076
Look at you!
474
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,879
(Laughs) Yeah...
475
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,111
Er, do you need any, erm, money?
476
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,760
I'm fine. And I wrote everything down -
477
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,992
"You smell like I'air du temps",
wait for the first dismemberment
478
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,832
and keep away from fish.
479
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,957
Why don't you ever say
things like that to me?
480
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,793
(Laughing) Hey, mate, look at you!
481
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,836
Very James Bond.
482
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,310
- Where are you going?
- Wah-hey!
483
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,549
Wah-hey!
484
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,234
Wah-hey! Wah-hey.
485
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,231
Mike -
486
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,958
flies.
487
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,675
You're letting him out on a date?
488
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,069
Like it or not, he's growing up.
489
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,879
You never let me out
on my own when I was 12.
490
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,838
- Maybe we should have.
- And changed the locks.
491
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,118
I wasn't allowed out with a boy
until I was 13 and a half.
492
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,350
And you followed us to the cinema.
493
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,432
- That wasn't us.
- I asked him for some popcorn
494
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,751
and Dad reaches over from behind
and offers me some.
495
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,558
It wasn't us.
496
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,710
And that was then and this is now.
497
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,917
Exactly. We're humans.
We're allowed to change.
498
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,116
No, you're not.
499
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,758
Who are you?
500
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,114
Where are our real parents?
501
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,711
(# Jaws theme)
502
00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,997
Have you had fish?
503
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,393
Do I smell?
504
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,031
Yeah, like air...
505
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,273
Oh.
506
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,713
OK.
507
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,997
(# Music climaxes)
508
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,150
(Woman screams onscreen)
509
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,676
Popcorn, anyone?
510
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,196
(Gasps)
511
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,314
What are you doing?
Isn't it too early to be ruining my day?
512
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,755
I've lost my keys to the surgery.
513
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,469
- Have you looked for them?
- I've tried everything,
514
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,997
I've asked my spirit guide,
I've phoned the LPPN...
515
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,196
Lost Property Psychic Network.
516
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,272
I've even used astral projection.
517
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:13,952
Nothing.
518
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,430
- Have you checked your handbag?
- (Sighs)
519
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,957
Here they are!
520
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,679
It's always the last place you look.
521
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,309
Thank you. With friends like you
who needs animals?
522
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:34,473
Enemies. With friends like me,
who needs enemies?
523
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,677
Don't be silly, nobody needs enemies.
524
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,036
That's like saying,
"Who needs mosquitoes?"
525
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,999
Although in a way, mosquitoes
are animals so we do need them.
526
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,793
- Brigitte...
- Yah?
527
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,836
Take the day off.
39888
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