All language subtitles for My Family - 01x07 - Awkward Phase

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,995 - What's this? - It's for Oxfam. 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,389 We're getting rid of stuff we don't need. 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,756 - Would they take Nick? - No, they've suffered enough. 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,789 Did someone actually wear this? 5 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,509 Well, it's from the '70s. It was a different time then. 6 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,795 People were hip, wild and... 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,996 Colour-blind? 8 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,913 Do you have anything to contribute? 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,309 - Can I get some new clothes? - No. 10 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,549 Sorry. 11 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,232 Thatcher's children. 12 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,835 - What's this? - We need more wardrobe space. 13 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,150 I'm donating some of our clothes to Oxfam. 14 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,549 Some of... our clothes? 15 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,757 Susan, these are all my clothes. 16 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,991 - Some of my clothes are here. - Where? 17 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,916 Ah! Here. 18 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,390 You're not going to throw that away, surely(?) 19 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,675 Oh, maybe you're right. 20 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,228 And what's this? I haven't worn this. 21 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,232 - Are you going to? - No, it's ugly. 22 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,709 And, Susan, what is this? 23 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,075 A terrible, terrible mistake. 24 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,798 I love this. 25 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,757 You haven't worn it in 25 years. 26 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,796 It'll come back in. 27 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,155 There'll be a snowman in hell first. 28 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,231 Well, I'll need this then. 29 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,834 You can't throw away my lucky tie! 30 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,433 When did you last wear it? 31 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,476 Our wedding! 32 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:33,599 Get rid of everything we haven't worn for at least five years. 33 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,911 Oh, really? Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday. 34 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,956 Yes, but I just hate that one. 35 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,873 - I love this shirt. - Look, it's got holes, 36 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,916 there's no buttons, it's frayed. 37 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,150 How much will Oxfam get for this? 38 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,196 - 40, 50p. - OK. 39 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,271 All right, here's a pound. 40 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,476 And I'll take these while I'm at it. 41 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,556 All set for a night out then(!) 42 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,116 Look at all this cool gear! 43 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,590 You see, Susan, this is not junk, this is... cool gear. 44 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,240 - Go on, Nick, help yourself. - Really? 45 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,439 Cool. 46 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,312 Cheers. 47 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,195 Hello, new girl, what's your name? 48 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,238 H-Hello? Sorry, am I dead? Did I disappear? 49 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,550 I'm just setting up surgery, Mr H. 50 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:32,519 We are set up - here are the instruments, here's the patient, 51 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,592 we're under starter's orders and... suction! 52 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,875 No, I'm setting up harmonically, 53 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,270 aligning the vibrations of this room with Mother Nature. 54 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,952 I'm sorry? 55 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,996 (Whale song) 56 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,877 Sorry, er, what is this? 57 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,757 The song of the humpback whale. 58 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,996 I don't care if it's the song of the lonely goatherd, turn it off. 59 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,718 It's relaxing. 60 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,475 This is a dental surgery, you're not meant to be relaxed. 61 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,120 How about the song of the narwhal? 62 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,430 - (Groaning) - No. No, no, no. 63 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,556 - The sea lion? - No, no sea lion. 64 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:15,270 - Oh, African tree frog! - No! No, just turn it off. 65 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,510 Right, I'm sorry, Mr Lewis. 66 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,670 (Mimics whale song squeal) 67 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,393 Would you get out, Brigitte, please? 68 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,516 Have a plankton break, go on. 69 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,991 No wonder the last girl left. You're very hostile, you know. 70 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,469 She didn't leave, I killed her. 71 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,273 Figure of speech, Mr Lewis. 72 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,112 Take a rinse, please. 73 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,318 - Hi. How's the new girl? - Trained at SeaWorld. 74 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,750 Has the garage finished with the car? 75 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,717 No, and - one minute, Mr Lewis - 76 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,270 they want to know how we drove it without a brake pedal. 77 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,271 The pedal's in the back seat. 78 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,751 When your son tinkers with the car, one, he should warn people, 79 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,559 and two, if he finds a brake pedal left over 80 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,551 he should assume it's not finished. 81 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,279 Why is it when Nick annoys you, he's my son 82 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,557 and when he does something you're proud of, he's... 83 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,596 No, that's never happened. 84 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,156 Good film, innit? 85 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,279 You say that to show them you're interested in their opinions, 86 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,316 while all the time... 87 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,557 Now watch this move. You've got to do it slowly. 88 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,551 (Sniffs, clears throat) 89 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,917 Oh! 90 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,956 Sorry, hand slipped. 91 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,275 Thought you fancied me. Oh! 92 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,635 Stop it! This is important! 93 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,996 It's my first date with a girl. I'm bound to do something pants. 94 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,036 God, I don't even know the rules! 95 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,271 Ah. These are the noughties - there aren't any. 96 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,751 Boys have all the responsibility. Girls have an easy time of it. 97 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,798 They can go as far as they want and then say, "Stop". 98 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,757 OK, that's the one rule. 99 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,832 The guy's obliged to stop if a girl tells him. 100 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,514 But what if she doesn't say stop? What then? 101 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,433 Just a quick "Thank you, God," would do it. 102 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,752 Now you try. 103 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,791 No, get off! She's mine! 104 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,836 Find your own. 105 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,115 Ugh, no, not him - that's a bloke! 106 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,840 Grab her twin sister, she's lovely. 107 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,635 Cool, cool, play it cool. 108 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,517 Surf it, smooth. 109 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,989 I feel like a total prat! 110 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,436 Hey, look at this, I fixed dad's chair. 111 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,876 - It wasn't broken. - Anyone can fix broken stuff. 112 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,152 It takes a genius to fix something that works. 113 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,795 Hello! What are you doing? 114 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,917 - He fixed dad's chair. - It doesn't squeak now. 115 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:12,118 I thought Dad said never to touch anything of his again? 116 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,156 Not never touch anything of his. 117 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,754 No, he said never touch anything - at all. 118 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,917 That's just parents. 119 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,118 You know what they're like - blah blah blah blah blah - 120 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,430 they don't really mean what they say. 121 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,476 No one can be that uptight. 122 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,269 "You drank milk from the bottle? My life is ruined!" 123 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,830 Besides, if I'm going for that part-time job at Twin Exhaust, 124 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,639 I've got to practise my skills, haven't I? 125 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,154 My whole Zen ninja mechanic thing. 126 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,912 You have a ninja mechanic thing? 127 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,833 - You drank milk from the bottle? - Yeah. 128 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,549 The Zen ninja has incredible focus, 129 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,349 he doesn't have to know what he's doing. It's all instinct. 130 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:59,513 Did you pour it from a distance or did you dribble it back? 131 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,919 Both! 132 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:07,355 Between my innate ability to size up any mechanical problem, 133 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:11,319 plus the mature look that comes with the moustache... 134 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,038 ...the job is mine. - What moustache? 135 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,076 I've been growing it all week. 136 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,879 - You can't see it. - What? 137 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,951 Well, what if I do this? 138 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,879 Tilt your head to catch the light. 139 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,632 Down a bit. 140 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,073 - Yes, that's you! - Thanks. 141 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,357 Hello, Mum! 142 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,719 Don't mock the afflicted, it's not nice. 143 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,678 Fetch the rest of the shopping from the car. 144 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,435 - I'm not allowed to touch the car. - Michael will open the door. 145 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,431 Mummy, let me help you. 146 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,670 Thank you, whatever you're up to. 147 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:01,197 - Do I have to be up to something? - I don't care, keep helping! 148 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,477 You know, erm, Prada's having a once-in-a-lifetime sale? 149 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,471 You said, last week. 150 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,313 Ahh, the art of slow cooking. 151 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,868 You whip something up in the morning, 152 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,475 pop it in the oven and when you get home, there it is... 153 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,519 - Whatever it is. - That looks disgusting. 154 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,990 The word "disgusting" does not belong in a kitchen. 155 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,230 It looks interesting... 156 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,999 and tastes as interesting as it looks. 157 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,798 Maybe it needs pepper. 158 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,359 Maybe it needs binning? 159 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,591 If you're trying to butter me up it's not working. 160 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,470 No, but there are a pair of jeans at Prada that I would look brilliant in. 161 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:46,394 We'll add pineapple chunks and call it Hawaiian Surprise. 162 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,155 - You're not even listening. - I am. I'm just not agreeing. 163 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,117 These are a L100 pair of jeans 164 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,760 marked down to... less than a hundred. 165 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,070 I've got the money Grandma gave me. 166 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,037 That's for college. We agreed. 167 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,031 We didn't agree, you agreed. 168 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,076 And I can't do any more, can I? 169 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,310 Mum, I'll need jeans at college! 170 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,154 So buy them at college, it's something to look forward to. 171 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,038 - You are so unreasonable. - That's my job. 172 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,874 - I wish I was dead! - Janey! How can you say that? 173 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,077 I wish I were dead - the subjunctive! 174 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,153 Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans. 175 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,236 Hi! Bye. 176 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,316 What's her problem? 177 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,357 Don't tell me... she wants a nose ring. 178 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,431 She wants a tattoo. 179 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,069 She wants a cold sore because all her friends have got one. 180 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,914 - Don't be sarcastic. - I'm too tired to be sarcastic. 181 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,549 - Mrs Newland rang. - My God... 182 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,916 Why can't that woman ring during office hours? 183 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,116 She says you never return her calls. 184 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,794 - Because she's evil. - She's not. 185 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,236 She keeps losing her dentures and has me make new ones. 186 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,959 - That is your job. - That's not the point. 187 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,679 How can you lose six pairs of dentures? 188 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,955 They're in your mouth or in a glass. 189 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,715 Unless she drank them you cannot lose six pairs of dentures. 190 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,917 Well, the poor dear didn't lose them this time. 191 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,309 They broke when someone sat on them. 192 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,233 I hope she wasn't wearing them at the time. 193 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,952 That image has just ruined my entire evening. 194 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,312 Oh, God, Susan, 195 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,312 why, why, why did I become a dentist? 196 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,676 No one respects you, no one slaps you on the back 197 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,558 and says, "Great bridgework, mate." 198 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:41,077 Everyone avoids you at parties because they associate you with pain. 199 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,993 Oh, Ben, that's not dentistry, that's you. 200 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,271 I associate you with pleasure. 201 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,955 I tell you, sometimes I think things couldn't get worse. 202 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,237 - Look on the bright side. - That is the bright side. 203 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,151 - Things can get worse. - Hey. 204 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,196 I rest my case. 205 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,030 Either you bought a broken bottle 206 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,350 or it broke when I dropped the bag. 207 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,795 In the sink, not on the table! 208 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,316 Hey, Dad, guess what. 209 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,234 You've found a job and you're moving out? (Laughs) 210 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,276 He's such a joker! 211 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,749 Dad's such a joker! 212 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,796 No, I've fixed your chair. 213 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,715 - You've what? - It wasn't broken. 214 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,314 - I got rid of the squeak. - You got rid of? 215 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,437 I like the squeak. I love the squeak! 216 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,229 I-I sit in my chair, I hear my squeak 217 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,754 and it reminds me I'm not quite dead. 218 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,673 - He's in a mood. - It's not a mood, it's life. 219 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,399 Just leave things alone, Nick, please. 220 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,311 If it's broken, don't fix it. 221 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,789 If it's lying there, don't pick it up. 222 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,155 If it's dripping, don't let it flood, 223 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,913 but Nick, don't touch anything any more! 224 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,070 Dad! Relax, man, 225 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,116 I'll put the squeak back. 226 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,276 He's mad. 227 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,832 What? 228 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,753 He's just going through an awkward phase. 229 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,228 20 years is not a phase, Susan. 230 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,799 It's him. 231 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,438 Mm! 232 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,795 (Susan) Mm-mm-mm! 233 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,996 Is this... 234 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,315 a pineapple chunk? 235 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,198 Yes. The dish is called Hawaiian Surprise. 236 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,670 Ah, it's really, erm... exotic. 237 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,990 You haven't touched yours, Michael. 238 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,550 I'm not hungry. Actually I might go up to bed, 239 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,437 you know, curl up with my pillow. 240 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,476 (Laughs) 241 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,313 - Are you upset about something? - No. Why? 242 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,550 Er, is this a radish? 243 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,754 Cos they don't have radishes in Hawaii. 244 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,398 (Laughs) Yes. 245 00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,596 It is called Hawaiian Surprise. 246 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,558 The radish is the surprise! Surprise! 247 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,553 Now, Michael, you know, if you have a problem, talk it out. 248 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,792 Because confronting a problem is half the solution, isn't it? 249 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,632 Mm... No. 250 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:17,396 No, it only makes it come back with a big mate and thump you. 251 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,950 - Anyone want some milk? - Not while you live here. 252 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,589 So, Michael, you can tell me because I'm a tour guide. 253 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,591 Communication is my life. 254 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,639 It's not the sort of thing you want to talk to your mum about. 255 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,077 - Has the rash come back? - Oh, please, Susan, for God's sake! 256 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,037 He's going out with a girl. 257 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,429 I can't believe you! This is war! 258 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,159 Michael, don't you dare touch my stuff! 259 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,629 - I'm gonna kill you! - (Door slams) 260 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,757 - (Janey) Get back here! - Well, that cleared the air. 261 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,910 It certainly cleared the room. 262 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,390 - Why do you never back me up? - Years of experience. 263 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,950 Sometimes you behave as if you don't like the children. 264 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,828 I... It-lt's not a question of like or dislike, 265 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,956 it's a question of fear. 266 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,076 I'm frightened of them. 267 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,032 Two extremes, Susan. 268 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,795 Either they ignore you or they turn to you for answers, 269 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,393 which is terrifying. 270 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,040 If I'd've known, I never would have had sex. 271 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,316 Don't kid yourself. 272 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,314 Look, I'm sorry. She'd get it out of you anyway. 273 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,676 I didn't want another list of your skin problems. 274 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,594 - She has to control everything. - Not me. Check these out. 275 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,434 - Aren't they great? - Not my size. Too big in the bum. 276 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,671 - Did you read the sign? - It says Women Keep Out. 277 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,716 - Yeah. - I'm not a woman. 278 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,395 So, Mikey, looking forward to going out on your date? 279 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,314 It's not a date, it's in the afternoon and her parents are taking us. 280 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,392 It's a start. A pathetically slow start. 281 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,357 So, what's her name? 282 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,193 - Michelle. - Michelle from school? 283 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,510 The one with burger in her braces? 284 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,672 - It was macaroni. - You tasted it? 285 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,629 Don't be disgusting. I know because she's vegetarian. 286 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,757 I sat next to her at lunch and she talked to me. 287 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,718 - What did she say? - "Got a toothbrush?" 288 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,155 Shut up! Right, listen, Michael, 289 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:19,438 if you're gonna go out with a girl, first of all - wash. 290 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,717 OK? Boys need to realise that animal magnetism 291 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,076 doesn't necessarily mean animal smell, OK? 292 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,833 - Say you love her perfume. - She doesn't wear any. 293 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,754 Even better, tell her she smells like I'air du temps. 294 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,115 - L'air du temps. - Yeah. 295 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,997 - L'air du temps! - No, too much. 296 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,310 Sounds like you want to borrow it. 297 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,709 - So how much did you pay? - Nick! 298 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,951 98 quid for jeans you're afraid to wear out?! 299 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,554 No, I'm just respecting Mum's feelings. 300 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,030 - By lying to her? - Yes. You lie all the time. 301 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,590 No, I always tell the truth. That's what scares them. 302 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,556 I'm off to pottery class! 303 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,072 I'm firing my urn tonight. Beautiful, isn't it? 304 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,116 Yes, and dinner was lovely. 305 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,509 - So earthy. - So was dinner. 306 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,358 I think it's beautiful. 307 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,274 Maybe we should be buried in it. Blend our ashes together. 308 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,397 You'll end up hogging most of the urn anyway. 309 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,357 Mum, have you got a sec? 310 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,319 Absolutely. Carpe diem. Carpe all the diem you can get. 311 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,517 About the jeans. I thought about what you said... 312 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,637 You're a bright young woman, it's your decision. 313 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,392 Thanks. 314 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,314 There's a pair of jeans or the respect of those who love you. 315 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,995 Frivolity or integrity. A meaningless fad... 316 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,116 Mum, I've already bought them. 317 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,471 Something wrong? 318 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,915 No, everything's fine, wonderful. 319 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,752 Good, good. 320 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,669 How can you sit there and eat when things are in such chaos? 321 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,876 Strong stomach. 322 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,953 Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you. 323 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,349 I'm sitting here calmly eating my breakfast 324 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,557 while you breathe at me like an Aberdeen Angus. 325 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:29,110 Of course you don't understand me. You're deranged. 326 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,839 First of all, I am not breathing 327 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,559 I am expressing myself subvocally. 328 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,155 Second, our children are in open rebellion. 329 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,674 - It's a phase, you said so. - Don't... 330 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,911 I knew I would get involved somehow. Go on. 331 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,949 They are in crisis because you and I are giving them crossed signals. 332 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,554 I haven't given them any signals. 333 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,995 My aim is to be the black hole of signaldom. 334 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,675 We've got to make more of an effort to get through to them. 335 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,558 This is because Janey bought those jeans. 336 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,155 I just haven't expressed myself properly on that yet. 337 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,915 But this afternoon, Michael... 338 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,956 Oh, Michael... 339 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,431 is going out with this... woman. 340 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,951 They're both 12. 341 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,349 That's not the point. 342 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,874 Our son is crying out for guidance. 343 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,757 Oh, no, he's not! 344 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,513 It's a silent cry, a mother... hears. 345 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,639 - Then a mother must answer. - It's silent a cry for his father. 346 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,269 - Sorry, don't hear anything. - Because it's silent. 347 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,675 A mother hears these things, a mother must answer them. 348 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,399 - Father... - A mother... A mother... 349 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,232 Father... 350 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,112 Daddy... 351 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,717 OK, how do I know when to put my arm around her? 352 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,075 Oh, that's simple. 353 00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,119 Wait for the first time in the film when someone gets gored. 354 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:04,113 Or dismembered. And when she screams and leans into you 355 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,794 you put your arm round her and wah-hey! 356 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,273 Hiya. 357 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,351 - Hi. - OK? Am I interrupting? 358 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,793 No. 359 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,599 I was just giving him some hints on the facts of life. 360 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,477 That's what I was afraid of. 361 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,516 - Nick. - Hm? 362 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,756 It's a book. 363 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,916 A film. No, it's a film. 364 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,956 How many syllables? 365 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,036 (Whispering) Get out! 366 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,392 So, big boy, Michael... 367 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,072 (Chuckles) 368 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,388 Whoo! 369 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,913 Whoo-hoo! 370 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,877 Going out with a girl, eh? 371 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,439 Mm. 372 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,910 Yeah, er, well... (Clears throat) 373 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,118 Your mother thinks that we, erm, should have a little chat. 374 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,839 - No, I'm fine! - Good, that's what I thought! 375 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,876 I'll, er, see you later. 376 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,475 - What about the pressure? - What? What pressure? 377 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,997 Now listen, Michael, according to some religions, nothing. 378 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,516 Nothing. You know, you wait until your wedding night. 379 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,558 - What? - Yeah, the pr... The... What? 380 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,392 Different pressure. 381 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,914 What pressure are you talking about? 382 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,752 To know everything. 383 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,435 To be cool and easy when everything's such a huge worry. 384 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,513 Worrying about everything - all the major stages. 385 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,352 "Major stages"? 386 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,556 Yeah. First, you hold her hand, 387 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,030 if she doesn't say "Stop" you put your arm around her. 388 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,954 If she still doesn't say "Stop" she's expecting to be kissed. 389 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,998 So you kiss. Your first kiss. 390 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,674 I mean, isn't that enough for one day? 391 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,671 Oh, sure, yeah. 392 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,751 To go home and think about it. 393 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,592 Just, yeah, think. Mm-hm. 394 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,196 What if she doesn't say "Stop"? What if she never says "Stop"? 395 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,756 Michael, that never happens. 396 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,150 Like, erm... 397 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,674 You see... This is really difficult 398 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,116 but you know when I was first going out with a girl... 399 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,033 Not your mother, of course, you know... 400 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,839 I remember going out with your mother... 401 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,559 but that was a different "going out"... 402 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:31,394 - (Whistles) I'm wittering, aren't I? - Completely. 403 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:35,678 Yeah, well, this is really difficult, Michael. I mean, I... 404 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,513 (Coughs) Now, my dad... (Slaps thighs) 405 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:42,593 My dad loved to give advice and I was going out with this girl 406 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:46,514 and he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is, 407 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,433 "no matter how much you're in love with her, 408 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,431 "if she eats some dodgy fish 409 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,513 "she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us." 410 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,511 That's gross. 411 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,990 That really is gross, isn't it? I know, but they... 412 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,277 Parents are like that. They say demented things 413 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,999 and think it's clever cos they said it. 414 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,036 (Sighs) 415 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:14,194 Michael, I, erm... I don't know what advice to give you. 416 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,236 I mean, all I can see when I look at you is a little boy 417 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,675 dragging around a Postman Pat doll. 418 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:26,197 All I can say is don't be in such a hurry to grow up, right? 419 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,430 That's stupid, isn't it, but... 420 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,073 OK? 421 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,230 Cos you want to, don't you? 422 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,153 Well, that should make your mother happy. 423 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,390 (Chuckles) 424 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,914 - OK now? Is that good? - I think so. 425 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,195 - Yeah, yeah... - Dad? 426 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,430 What does... mean? 427 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,391 I think we'd better sit down again, shall we? 428 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,789 (Screeching whir in background) 429 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,674 You left it blank under experience. 430 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,797 Well, I don't have any experience experience. 431 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,154 But I do have ninja focus. 432 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,679 - Right. - Very impressive in action. 433 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,918 Your birthday's June 15 - what year? 434 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,076 Every year. 435 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,035 The moustache is new though. 436 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:31,835 It can always come off. 437 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,476 (Door slams) 438 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,797 # Hey, ho, hey nonny-no # 439 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,156 If you're going to ignore me do you have to be so loud? 440 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,789 I'm not ignoring you, I'm just nursing a wound. 441 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,519 Go and play, go and play, I'll survive. 442 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,795 You're making such a big thing of it. 443 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,475 Oh, excuse me, I didn't realise the trust and faith 444 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,916 I put into my only daughter would be "nothing". 445 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,798 Would you feel better if I took them back? 446 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,791 It might ease the pain. 447 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,236 Well, I can't. Prada doesn't give refunds on sales. 448 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,118 So be it, you chose between Miuccia Prada 449 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,158 and your own mother and Miuccia won. 450 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,949 Although with a name like Miuccia the victory is pyrrhic. 451 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,077 How about I never wear them? Is that what you want? 452 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:27,029 No. I want you to feel really guilty. 453 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:30,669 Heartbreakingly I'll-never-do-it-again guilty. 454 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,716 No, that's not possible. 455 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,268 There's nothing to feel guilty about. 456 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:39,717 You have to feel guilty when you don't want to feel guilty! 457 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,711 That's how it works! 458 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,109 You think you're happy and then, ka-pow! 459 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,270 It's been that way for generations. 460 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,590 OK, well how about this then, Mum, 461 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,150 I feel guilty, erm, but you learn the valuable lesson? 462 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,074 Are you negotiating terms of remorse? 463 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,720 Why not? I've got a good teacher. 464 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,592 You're not so stupid, are you? 465 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,475 So can you take them up for me? I'm gonna need them by nine. 466 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,755 But then you're not so clever either. 467 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,434 I think that goes over there. 468 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,715 Would it make any difference? 469 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,509 I like this look - it's kind of crazed and distressed. 470 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,875 Don't say anything, I've got the glue gun. 471 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,951 Well, I'm off. 472 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,031 (All) Ohh! 473 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,076 Look at you! 474 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,879 (Laughs) Yeah... 475 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,111 Er, do you need any, erm, money? 476 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,760 I'm fine. And I wrote everything down - 477 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,992 "You smell like I'air du temps", wait for the first dismemberment 478 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,832 and keep away from fish. 479 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,957 Why don't you ever say things like that to me? 480 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,793 (Laughing) Hey, mate, look at you! 481 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,836 Very James Bond. 482 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,310 - Where are you going? - Wah-hey! 483 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,549 Wah-hey! 484 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,234 Wah-hey! Wah-hey. 485 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,231 Mike - 486 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,958 flies. 487 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,675 You're letting him out on a date? 488 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,069 Like it or not, he's growing up. 489 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,879 You never let me out on my own when I was 12. 490 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,838 - Maybe we should have. - And changed the locks. 491 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,118 I wasn't allowed out with a boy until I was 13 and a half. 492 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,350 And you followed us to the cinema. 493 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,432 - That wasn't us. - I asked him for some popcorn 494 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,751 and Dad reaches over from behind and offers me some. 495 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,558 It wasn't us. 496 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,710 And that was then and this is now. 497 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,917 Exactly. We're humans. We're allowed to change. 498 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,116 No, you're not. 499 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,758 Who are you? 500 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,114 Where are our real parents? 501 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,711 (# Jaws theme) 502 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,997 Have you had fish? 503 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,393 Do I smell? 504 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,031 Yeah, like air... 505 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,273 Oh. 506 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,713 OK. 507 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,997 (# Music climaxes) 508 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,150 (Woman screams onscreen) 509 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,676 Popcorn, anyone? 510 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,196 (Gasps) 511 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,314 What are you doing? Isn't it too early to be ruining my day? 512 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,755 I've lost my keys to the surgery. 513 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,469 - Have you looked for them? - I've tried everything, 514 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,997 I've asked my spirit guide, I've phoned the LPPN... 515 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,196 Lost Property Psychic Network. 516 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,272 I've even used astral projection. 517 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:13,952 Nothing. 518 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,430 - Have you checked your handbag? - (Sighs) 519 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,957 Here they are! 520 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,679 It's always the last place you look. 521 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,309 Thank you. With friends like you who needs animals? 522 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:34,473 Enemies. With friends like me, who needs enemies? 523 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,677 Don't be silly, nobody needs enemies. 524 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,036 That's like saying, "Who needs mosquitoes?" 525 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,999 Although in a way, mosquitoes are animals so we do need them. 526 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,793 - Brigitte... - Yah? 527 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,836 Take the day off. 39888

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