All language subtitles for Alyssa.Limperis.No.Bad.Days.2022.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]-eng

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[audience cheering]

- Oh, what's up?

[laughs] Oh, man.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, man.

Thank you.

Thanks for being here.

My dad was diagnosed with
terminal brain cancer,

and then a year
later, he passed away.

And then the next
day, I went to a cafe,

and they were all
out of oat milk.

So it's like, pile it on.

Oh, when does it end?

And my dad, he went from
being the healthiest person

I knew to having a terminal
diagnosis overnight.

And he died of an aggressive
form of brain cancer called

glioblastoma, which,
if you don't know,

I'm shocked because
I tell everyone, OK?

I tell every single person.

I mean, like people
hate spam callers.

Not me, baby.

No if I see an unknown
number, I pick up.

I'm like, hello?

They're like, Hi, Ms. Limperis.

Hi.

We regret to inform you that
your car warranty has--"

I'm like, let me
stop you right there.

This is a freaky
fricking coincidence

because my dad had a car.

And he died of-- click.

I'm the first person to ever
get hung up on by a spam caller.

I call them back just
like, hi, Hey there.

Oh, sorry.

I think we got
disconnected back there.

Anyway, so she died
of-- and it was--

And they're like,
yeah, no, no, no.

We know.

We know.

Yeah.

It was Stage IV.

Please don't call
this number again.

But I talk about it a
lot for a lot of reasons.

One, I'm a very
emotional person.

It took me four years to get
over my high school boyfriend.

High school, yeah.

And he didn't even
know we were dating.

OK.

OK.

So, yeah.

I'm like, I miss
you so much Derek.

He's like, I
recognize your face.

I can't place your name.

But also I talk about
it a lot because it

was an event that really
shaped and changed the rest

of my life.

I was in my early
20s when it happened,

and I was just extremely
dependent on my parents.

I didn't really have an
identity outside of them.

I went home every weekend.

I couldn't make a
decision without them.

I really needed them.

I was the type of
kid, for example,

who had to get picked
up at sleepovers at 23.

Just like mom,
dad, get over here.

This guy is not the one.

I'll tell you more later but a
lot of tongue, a lot of tongue.

Oh, and a little bit of
teeth, too, terrible combo.

Oh, come get me.

Yeah.

I know.

I was living a very
like young lifestyle

when it happened
in New York City,

not like young
like cool hip going

to the club kind of young.

More like young like wash my
sheets annually kind of young.

That was kind of the vibe.

More young like--
the fanciest dish

I'd ever eaten in New York
City was a salmon sushi roll.

from Duane Reade.

OK?

Yeah.

Some people are like, no,
they don't sell that there.

They do.

They should not,
but baby, they do.

I'll tell you what, I don't
remember how it tasted.

I remember how it felt, warm.

To further paint the scene,
I was living in an apartment

with three people I met on
Craigslist, one of which

had two dogs.

And I tell you what, he had a
very sort of quirky kind of fun

way that he potty
trained his dogs, which

was that he did not.

He did not, no.

He opted out of that.

Good.

So what that meant was
that those dogs were

free to pee wherever
and whenever they

wanted within the home.

Yeah, that was obviously
extremely disgusting,

extremely, but also a move
I did homecoming weekend

my junior year in college.

OK?

Yeah.

OK.

I've been there.

I'm like fluffy.

I do not respect
you, but I see you.

OK?

I get you.

I have been there.

And if you're like, oh, no.

That can't be real.

I have the name and phone
number of a very kind gentleman

whose rugs are, opinion of me,
will never be the same, OK?

Yeah.

No.

But I was living in the pee-pee
apartment when I got the call.

And I remember my mom
and dad, they called me,

and they were on speaker.

And there was just like
a lot of screaming.

I just knew something--
it was just immediate.

I knew something was very wrong.

They were screaming.

I couldn't really make
out what was happening,

but I heard tumor and come home.

And I just hung up,
and I was in my room.

And I just sort of--

I shrunk down.

And I remember
thinking, man, I'm

going to sit here in my closet.

I remember.

And I just sat, and I
thought, this is it.

This is the last moment
that my life is like this

because the minute I stand up,
I'm entering into a new world.

Everything's changed.

Because when I got up, my
problems just were different.

And they became
different overnight.

All of a sudden, my main
problem was that my dad

was dying very quickly.

The weekend prior,
my main problem was,

I can't believe Stephanie
forgot to invite me to brunch.

But no, you go through
something like this

that's like traumatic.

And then you look back at
those types of problems.

And they're just like
so silly and frivolous.

And Stephanie, if
you're here tonight,

I haven't forgot-- or Stephanie,
if you're watching at home, hi.

Yeah.

You thought you were
going to avoid me.

No, I see you.

Oh, you forgot to add me to the
group chat I was already on?

You thought I'd forgotten.

I'll never forget the
pictures you guys took.

Those were beautiful photos.

And you posted to
Instagram right away.

Oh, you forgot.

Yeah, OK.

No, but the minute
I got that call,

there was no question in
my mind I was moving home.

Immediately, I packed my
bags, and I moved home

to be with my dad because he
was my best friend and my rock.

My dad was awesome.

He was such a magical,
really playful guy.

He was like a big kid.

He just had so much energy.

He was so playful.

I feel like in most
families, the parents

are the ones who have
to be like, kids, kids.

Hey, guys.

Come on.

It's time for bed.

Let's go.

No, I don't care.

No not one more.

No, stop.

Phones down.

It's time for bed.

In my house, it was just
like, Dad, please, we can't

play another round of monopoly.

Ah, we're exhausted.

We got the SATs tomorrow.

He's like, come on.

One more.

Just one more.

Who needs the SATs?

Who cares?

Most colleges don't
even look at that.

It's the essay.

He didn't care what
anyone thought about him,

like in a remarkable way.

My dad once won a
costume contest,

and he didn't even
know there was one.

He did not know.

This man showed up to an
event in his normal wear,

and they were like, that's the
craziest thing we've ever seen.

But that was him.

He was so supportive of me,
arguably too supportive.

My dad showed up to every
single one of my track

meets with a matching red
sweat suit and a sign that

had a pun on it in high school.

I mean, in high school, that
should have totally embarrassed

me, annihilated me.

But actually, it didn't.

And you know why?

Because I had my
own tips and tricks

for how to get out
of that because I was

already embarrassing myself.

Yes.

You can't embarrass me because
I'm doing it on my own, dad.

This is, unfortunately,
a true story.

This is about my sophomore
year in high school.

So everyone take a second.

You're going, oh,
Euphoria-- think of like,

they're in high school.

It's kind of that age range.

Kind of of picture
what they look like.

Picture there-- me.

So sophomore year, I
walk into the cafeteria.

All my friends are at a
table, and I go to the table.

And I see etched on the
table is Nick loves--

now, let me set the scene.

Nick was the hottest guy ever.

Maybe.

Who knows?

Do you remember high school?

It was like, oh, when a guy
looked at me, I was just like,

oh, my god.

[squeals] And then
you grow older.

And literally, the
perfect person could come.

They could be Prince Charming.

And he'd leave, and I'd
be like to my friends

like, I just feel like his hair
was a little bit too blond.

Does that make sense?

Does that make sense?

Just a little bit.

But when you're younger,
he made eye contact.

He is my husband.

So that was Nick.

I was like, he's my husband.

So I walked to the table,
and I see Nick loves cock.

And I just very proudly
turn to all my friends,

and I just said, well,
well, well, you ladies

can just call me cock.

And they were like, do
you know what cock means?

And folks, that is when I
learned what cock meant.

Yeah.

That was the moment.

And I'll tell you what
the nickname stuck.

The nickname, it stuck.

Yeah.

My dad was a nut.

He was nuts.

He had so much energy.

He had so much energy,
and he put all that energy

into exercise.

My dad ran every single
day for 30 years.

30 years, my dad
did not miss a day.

The only thing I've done every
day for 30 years is wake up.

And even that sometimes
I've come dangerously close.

I'm like, wow, 18.

OK.

18 hours, that is a new record.

I miss the sun entirely.

Oh, wow.

Ooh, OK.

But my dad just--

he loved exercise.

Literally, nothing could come
between him and exercise.

Now, I love exercise.

But literally, anything could
come between me and exercise.

And I'm talking anything.

If I was supposed to
go for a jog today

and it was drizzling two
days ago, I'd cancel the jog.

I can't.

I'd be like, do you
remember the rain?

Oh, what if I--

the roads could
still be slippery.

My ankles?

No.

Uh-uh.

They are weak.

No, no.

I think my dad just
had a lot of anxiety,

and he just kind of
took that anxiety.

And he put it into running,
which I totally get,

because I have a lot of anxiety.

And I have sort of
a different tactic.

I sort of take--

I take all that anxiety,
and I just put it

into thinking I'm pregnant.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just sort of
shove it into having

a pregnancy scare all the time.

Oh, yeah.

I'm constantly
thinking I'm pregnant.

People hear that joke,
they're like, why aren't you

on birth control?

I'm like, birth control?

Baby, I got an
IUD in every hole.

Birth control, birth control.

I've taken Plan B more
times than I've had sex, OK?

I pop that shit like
they're multivitamins, OK?

La, la, la.

I'm just like, yeah.

I'm like a citronella
candle for sperm.

It can't come near me.

It fears me.

Yet, even still, I will be on
my period AND I'll be like,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I hope it's my period.

I hope it's my period.

Could be my period, I hope.

Could be the baby
with a bloody nose.

I hope not.

Look, look, look.

I hope it is my period.

I hope.

Could be my beautiful
baby girl on her period.

OK.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

the GMOs, the stuff they're
putting in food these days?

Come on.

The apples are too big.

The apples are too big,
and we all know it.

We all know it.

Oh, sure.

You like the Honeycrisp apple.

It's the size of your head.

Do you think our
grandparents had those?

No, they called Red
Delicious Red Delicious.

That was the best they had.

Anyway, I think it's because I
had sort of a late introduction

to sex.

I still remember having the
sex talk with my parents.

You guys remember that?

It's so awkward.

My parents were just like,
sweetheart, you're 21.

Start having sex, OK?

Let's go.

Put a move on.

Let's go.

Make us proud, OK?

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I was 22.

Yeah.

No, but now, I've been dating
someone for a long time.

Yay.

I've been dating awhile.

We've been dating awhile.

We've been dating awhile.

And we were long
distance for a bit.

And I know what people say.

People are always like,
long distance-- well--

I know what they say.

But actually, I'll say this.

After doing long distance,
it actually was pretty bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, not fun.

No, not fun at all.

Terrible, terrible.

And I was complaining
about it to a friend.

And I remember she
was just like, whoa,

one perk is you can
grow it out down there.

I was like, what?

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I'm Greek and Italian.

It doesn't matter
who's in town, OK?

I don't call the
shots down there.

You hear me?

That's not my domain, OK?

I'm telling you, if I shave
and then go to the beach,

you better take
that picture fast.

You better get-- when
the towel goes down,

you better be
getting that picture.

If you take a boomerang of me
at the beach, you'll be like,

you'll see one side.

You'll go, oh, that's clean.

Then you you go, wait,
what's happening there?

what?

I think it's a
little darker there.

What's happening?

That's the thing.

And I've tried everything.

Man, I've shaved.

I've waxed.

I've done laser.

It's like trying to
unsubscribe from an email list

no matter what I do.

It's coming back.

Yeah.

But anyway, I've been dating
my boyfriend for a while.

And to sort of spice it
up at a certain point,

we were like, let's
go to a sex shop.

Wow.

I have never been more
overwhelmed in my life.

Hi.

I walked in.

I didn't know what anything was.

I felt like I was like in a
museum with cool friends I was

trying to impress, kind
of just like, oh, that's--

I know that one.

It goes, oh, right.

Right.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,

I'm familiar.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I do
know-- oh, my god, there it is.

Hello.

Hello.

The Hitachi.

I have heard so many good things
about your work, the big one.

Yeah, the big one.

Cool, very cool.

It was just like--

it was so intimidating because
I walked in being like,

I'd like to have a
better sexual experience.

And then you walk in, and
they're just like, hi there.

Would you like to
try the detonator?

I'm like, oh, I don't think so.

They're like, it goes in one
hole, comes out the other.

I don't think I want that.

I don't think I want that.

I want to kind of just walk
in and be drawn to an aura.

I'm sort of like-- it's
like a little sparkly,

and it's like almost like
a cloud, you could say.

And you just-- it's kind
of floating and you go,

ooh, and you take it with you.

And you take it with you home.

And you put it
right by your bed.

And then when you're having
sex, every once in a while,

it just says, you're
doing a great job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, everything's
going to be OK.

That's what I wanted.

They were like, would
you like a bag of spikes?

It's like, no.

What do I got to do with that?

So anyway, we found
like the closest thing

to the cloud,
which was just this

like tiny little
purple thing, fun.

And we use it during
sex, which is great.

I recommend it.

It's so fun.

But my boyfriend kind of likes
to finish the job, so to speak.

So meaning we'll start
with the vibrator.

You know what I mean?

So we'll start
with the vibrator.

But then, at a certain
point, my boyfriend kind of

likes to like baton toss off,
kind of give it a little slap

on the butt, like good work.

Your job here is done.

I'll take it from here, robot.

Which, listen, I get it.

I respect it.

Sure.

For my boyfriend, that's great.

For me, for someone like
me in that situation--

So what that would mean was
we were going from automatic

to manual, right?

So yeah, we run from
robot to a human.

You guys ever been
at the airport?

Just on one of those moving
walkways like, OK, great.

OK, perfect.

Great.

So gate 16, we'll get
there just in time.

Maybe we'll even get
a little bit of snack.

And then you step off,
and you're like, whoa, OK.

Hold on.

OK, where are my legs?

Oh, my god, I don't
know where to walk.

OK.

Yeah.

No, gate 16.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we might get there, but
we're going to miss the flight.

Where was I?

That's right.

My dying dad.

My dying dad.

Yes, that's it.

It was right off the
tip of my tongue.

Perfect transition.

That's a perfect
seamless transition.

But no, my dad and
I exercised a lot.

That became something that
we did together to bond.

He really wasn't good at
talking about how he felt. But I

felt with exercise, it helped.

At the end of a long
bike or a long run,

we'd start to talk
to each other and get

to know each other a bit.

And that became
something we did.

Every time I went home, it
was what are we going to do.

We would like-- yeah,
we would run together.

We'd swim.

We'd bike.

We'd hike.

My dad and I hiked
across an entire state.

The state was Rhode Island.

So a little bit
less impressive, OK?

Took about 15 minutes
there and back.

No, Rhode Island's
so small, man.

I'm from right outside
of Rhode Island.

I did a show in Providence.

I swear to God this guy
came up to me afterwards.

He was like, hi, how are you?

You don't know me?

I'm your cousin.

I love it.

You got to love it.

You got to love it.

Rhode Island's so small.

If you want to mail a package,
you don't need a last name.

You just need an adjective, OK?

It's like, where's this going?

That's going to Paulie.

Big Paulie or crazy Paulie?

Crazy Paulie.

How's he doing?

Not good.

Not good.

Yeah, yeah.

But no, that hike actually
took about a week.

And we spaced it out.

And each day, we were
together probably hiking

for about 10 hours.

And those are some of the
best times I had with my dad.

I feel so lucky.

It was like I remember even when
I was doing them being like,

this is special.

And to have those moments
now, it was like the best.

I just got to know my dad, and
we walked and connected a lot.

And it became
something that we did.

Whenever I wanted to bond,
we would hike a mountain

or plan a trip.

My dad and I were similar,
but we were different.

My dad was just an
extreme optimist.

He saw just life very brightly.

And I was a bit of a pessimist.

I had trouble seeing the
brightness in life, especially

in college.

I was going through a dark time.

I didn't really feel well.

I was struggling to find
happiness or feel good,

and I remember calling my
dad and just saying, like,

man, I don't know.

I want to get out of here.

I want to drop out.

And he was like, you stay there.

I'll come up and visit you.

And he did.

And he said, let's go for a run.

So he got there, and
we went for a run.

[music playing]

We started running.

I went to school in Vermont.

My dad said, look around you.

The sun's out.

It's beautiful.

What's there to
be worried about?

And I remember being mad in
that moment and saying like,

man, you don't get it.

If you knew what it was like
to feel the way I was feeling,

if you know what it was
like to have a bad day,

you wouldn't be
saying that right now.

And then five years later, we
went on a 50-mile bike ride.

I went back to New York.

Then I got the call that my
dad had a terminal brain tumor.

I rushed home.

I went to the hospital.

I sat on my dad's bed,
and the doctor said,

Jim, we have to do
surgery on Monday.

You can either stay
here over the weekend,

or we can send you
with meds home.

And you can come back.

My dad looked out the
window, and he said,

it's going to be beautiful.

I want to get home
and get in the sun.

My dad got the worst news
you can possibly get.

And he still kept that attitude
he had five years prior.

My dad had the surgery, and
they took the tumor out.

He slowed down a little bit.

But still, every day, he'd
be the one saying, hey,

let's get outside.

Let's go for a jog.

Let's go for a brisk walk.

And he did radiation, slowed
down a little bit more.

But still, every day, he was
like, let's go on a hike.

Let's find a new place to hike.

And he did chemo, and he
slowed down even more.

Still, he was the
one to get us out.

Let's go to a beach.

Let's find a new place to go.

Then one day, the left side
of his body stopped working,

and he was scared and confused.

But he still was the person
getting us outside, saying,

let's go get in the sun.

At a certain point, he
had to use a walker.

I just remember him
saying, come on, Alyssa.

Let's see how many laps we
can get around the block.

Let's see if I can
master this walker.

And then one day, my
marathoner of a dad

wasn't able to use
either side of his body.

And he had to be
put in a wheelchair.

But still, every
day, the first thing

he'd say to me in the morning
was, can you wheel me outside?

I want to be in the sun.

One day, we went up to see
a scan, and the doctor said,

Jim, I'm sorry.

The tumor is growing
back aggressively.

We've done everything, and
there's nothing more we can do.

My dad said, thank you.

We drove home.

And the next morning,
my dad woke up.

He said, man, it's
beautiful out.

Especially for October, kind
of feels like a pool day.

My dad got told he
had no time left.

And without being able to
use his legs or his arms,

asked me, my brother, and my
mom to pick him up and put him

in the pool.

And we went in the
pool, and we splashed.

And we sang.

And a few days later, I
went to pick my dad up

in the morning out of
bed, and I picked him up.

He had a seizure in my arms,
and he fell into a coma.

[music playing]

My dad stayed in a
coma for seven days.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

And on the seventh day
as the sun was setting,

my dad took his last breath.

And I remember thinking,
wow, even in a coma,

my dad managed to find
his way into the sun.

I remember he took his last
breath, and I rushed outside.

And I looked up the sky,
and it was beautiful.

There were pinks and yellows
and birds, and I thought,

that's where my dad lives now.

He's free, free from the
body that failed him.

I really felt my dad with
me when he was in a coma.

He couldn't speak
or hear or move,

but I really felt like
he was just there.

It was so clear.

So then when he died, I
was like, well, that's it.

The same way I
felt him in a coma.

If I try hard enough, I
can feel him all the time.

And I can.

It's harder without a body.

But whenever I need
him, he's there.

I feel him.

When I'm back in LA where I
live, I feel him in the sky.

I feel him when I'm in New York.

I feel him here.

Wait a minute, I'm so sorry.

Do your thing.

Do your thing.

Sorry.

I hate to intrude, but I can't
help but notice an empty seat

here.

This was a sold out show.

So an empty seat,
that's a little weird.

Something's up.

Do you happen to
feel the presence

of my past father next to you?

- [laughs] Yes.

- That's a yes.

That's an affirmative.

[applause]

He is in the building.

All right.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Do your thing.

Talk amongst yourselves.

If you're at home, grab a snack.

Go ahead.

Listen to me.

I got to talk to you quickly.

This is so tacky.

I'm doing this.

But I got to pounce on the
opportunity while I got it.

Listen to me.

Any chance you could
chitchat with him

briefly about the will?

No, look.

No, I know.

I know.

Of course.

No, I know.

I know.

It's tacky.

It's tacky.

But look, he went 50-50,
me and my brother.

Fine at the moment.

Fair.

But now, here I am kind of
telling you guys about my dad,

right?

Where's he?

You know what I mean.

I'm not asking for something.

I don't want 100.

No, I'm not an animal.

I'm just thinking
like, I don't know.

Maybe we just get a--

you know, get a 70-30 split.

Look, start high.

Then he'll come--
he was in sales.

He's going to haggle you.

I don't want to tell
you how to do your job.

You do your thing.

But OK, you do your thing, yeah.

Hi, how are we doing?

Great jacket.

Very cool.

Hi.

Yeah.

OK, very cool, very cool.

You're my aunt.

[laughs] And, like
there was a choice there

of how are we doing.

It's like, no, no.

Yeah, I know you've
seen this show 17 times.

Good to see you again.

True story.

I did a show in Boston.

I checked into my hotel room.

I hear a knock on the
door that connects.

When there's a door, I open it.

My aunt and uncle are like, we
requested the room next to you.

The glee on their faces.

It was the most
Greek thing that's

ever happened in my life.

All right.

All right, great.

What do you say?

- He'll do 65.

- He'll do 65.

I'm going to take that as a win.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi there.

Hi.

You guys a couple?

OK.

Well, well, well.

Do you guys ever--

just a little sometimes.

I'll take sometimes.

I'll take sometimes.

And when you guys are ever--

have you ever had
this feeling where

you're like, what the heck?

I just felt a cool breeze.

And I know I closed
all the windows.

You closed the window.

Where the heck is
that coming from?

Ever happened to you guys?

- All the time.

- All the time.

Well, I have good news for you.

What's your name?

- Sam.

- Sam, I have
excellent news for you.

If that happens
all the time, that

means my father is
very close to you.

That means my father's-- he
endorses this relationship.

A round of applause for our
couple and our negotiator.

Thank you.

[applause]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

No, I do feel my dad
everywhere with me.

But my mom, she
kind of likes more

like concrete signs,
which is fine.

I get that.

That's cool.

But she'll just take it
a little bit too far.

We'll be walking, and she'll
just be like, oh, my god.

You're never going
to believe this.

I can't even
believe my own eyes.

Alyssa, get back here.

Alyssa, come back
and squat down.

I'm serious.

Squat down.

Squat down with me.

And you're going to want
to squint because it's

a little bit a ways away.

But if you squint down about a
mile, you see there's a puddle.

It's a little dirty.

Yeah, look beneath the leaves.

Under the leaves, you see that?

There's a penny.

And guess what?

It's heads up.

That's your father.

It's like, that's
my dad right there?

No.

She's like, oh.

What are the odds of this?

Look at this.

Come here.

In the middle of New
York City, a feather.

A feather in the middle
of New York City.

I'm like, mom,
that's a dead pigeon.

I feel like I could
tell my mom anything.

I could be like, mom, bad news.

I have bedbugs.

And she'd be like,
ooh, that's your father

holding you very close.

I would kill for that sign.

I would kill for it.

Fun fact, I did
have bedbugs once.

I did.

Not the worst thing
I've ever slept with.

I mean, what?

I mean, what?

The whole experience
may be very spiritual.

I grew up really religious.

I grew up Greek Orthodox.

And yes.

And I went to Catholic
school, Greek Orthodox

and Catholic school,
which, I believe,

officially makes
me an archbishop.

Honestly, if the stations of
the cross in two languages,

they just send you the big hat.

They send it.

The religions are
pretty similar.

They both have the
concept of sin,

but they approach
it differently.

Catholicism-- a lot of
guilt. Greek orthodoxy--

a lot of pride, a little
bit too much pride.

I feel like someone could
literally rob a bank.

And in church on Sunday,
an old lady would be like,

did you hear how much
money Yorgos make?

Did you hear how-- oh, yes.

He robbed the biggest bank.

Oh, he robbed the--

not a credit union.

No, no, no, no, no.

Big bank, big bank.

Everybody's so scared.

He makes so much money.

They found out that the
CEO of Pfizer was Greek.

It's the best thing that's
ever happened to them.

I mean, everyone in my family
just absolutely flipped.

It became the whole thing.

Yeah, my grandparents
even go to the doctor.

They can have a broken leg,
and they'd be like, it's OK.

I eat garlic.

But they all of a sudden
just championed the vaccine

because it was Pfizer.

They were so excited.

Are you guys vaccinated?

What vaccine did you get?

- Moderna.

- Oh, my god.

I cannot believe on
the day of the taping,

you come to me's front row.

Front row you look me
in the eyes, front row.

And you say, oh, I don't know.

I think Moderna.

Why?

Pfizer no good enough for you?

Oh, no.

Oh, Pfizer no good.

I go with Moderna.

You go with Moderna.

Which one you get?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

When I tell you, she look at me.

She go, me, me, me.

I smile so big.

I go, oh, my god.

She got the Pfizer.

She got the Pfizer in the front
row, and then she proudly said,

J&J. Oh, my god.

J&J. You mean to tell me
you're proud you got one

with two boy who no Greek?

You?

- Pfizer.

- Etsi bravo.

Etsi Bravo.

Etsi, etsi bravo.

This is so good.

You know why this good?

If this man get Pfizer
in the front row,

none of us going to get COVID.

COVID gone.

COVID gone because he got the
big strong one from Pfizer.

Very good, very good.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Anyway, that's what happened.

[laughs] Oh, oh, its too nice.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

It was really scary
losing one parent.

I became just extremely
protective of my other parent.

I was so scared all
the time that something

was going to happen to her.

I remember like I was visiting
home once, and I got home.

And my mom wasn't
wearing her seat belt.

And I was so mad at her.

I was like, Mom, you have to
wear your seat belt always,

always.

And she was like, Alyssa,
we're watching a movie.

I was like, yeah, it's a horror.

OK.

I don't want to take any risks.

Click it or ticket.

I installed them in the sofa.

Let's go.

I kind of wanted my mom to
be treated like the way CVS

treats Dove deodorant.

Just like, I want
you behind glass.

And if anyone
wants to touch you,

they got to come
to me first, OK?

That's what I wanted.

Yeah.

But it was very overwhelming.

I was a kid.

I went from being this
kid who was so overly

dependent on her parents to just
taking care of my strong dad

as he weakly
evaporated in my arms

and watching my stoic mom
crumble and become terrified

and fall into deep grief.

I felt like the foundation
just dropped from below me,

and I had nowhere to stand.

And I was terrified,
and I immediately

started having panic attacks.

I didn't know what was
happening at first.

I kind of thought like, a
panic-- it's a panic attack.

I thought it was
kind of in the word.

If I was going to
have a panic attack,

it would just kind of be me
going like, I'm panicking.

It would just kind of be like
Kevin from Home Alone like--

[screams]

But that wasn't it.

The first time it
happened, I all of a sudden

felt like I had to maybe throw
up, and I got really sweaty.

I had to take all
my clothes off.

I would fall on
the bathroom floor,

and I felt like I
couldn't breathe.

And I was really going
to die, or my heart

was going to give out.

And then it would just pass.

And the first time
this happened,

it was the night of
my dad's funeral.

And I remember
being on the ground

and instead of being
like, this is probably

part of my act of grief.

I was like, see?

I told you.

I'm pregnant.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

Yeah, sure.

Haven't had sex in 13 months.

It doesn't matter.

It's a miracle.

Immaculate conception
number two.

Folks, that's the
kind of riff you only

get if you have my level
of religious experience.

That's an archbishop
riff right there.

You understand me?

But, no.

I think maybe part
of me knew that that

had something to
do with my grief,

but I preferred
to not look at it.

And I would just
hope it would go away

and that maybe if I just
didn't worry about it,

it wouldn't come back.

But then basically, every few
months, it would come back.

That to me is very
representative of how

I handled grief was just well,
maybe if I don't look at it,

it's not real.

I didn't really
want to accept it.

You guys familiar with
the stages of grief?

You are.

OK, good.

Well, if you're not, no problem.

I got you covered.

I'm just going to take you
through the stages of grief.

Here.

Here we go.

So here we got denial--

I looked at that list,
and I was like, oh, I

don't have the time for that.

Five?

Too many.

And then I was just
like, let me see.

Oh, my god.

Girl., wait.

Wait.

I know you.

We went to college together.

Hi.

Oh, my god, it's
so good to see you.

Hello.

Hello.

Good to see you.

Yeah.

Actually, in college, I-- this
is kind of a brag, I guess.

But I got my master's
in depression.

Do you guys know--

yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went through the five
stages of depression actually.

Do you guys know about
the-- you're not familiar.

OK, don't worry.

I'll fill you in.

So these are the five
stages of depression.

OK.

Here we go.

Stage one-- yeah.

You're going to want to
do that out the gate, OK?

Yeah.

bobs, bangs, that's kind
of the world we're in here.

Bleach, pink,
anything that works.

OK.

Stage two-- once you've done
that, you move on to stage two,

which is--

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh,
well, that's kind of good.

Is it warm?

No, honey.

It's dead cold.

It's dead cold.

You're pulling that out.

And not only is it dead cold.

You've got to do
the sniff test, OK?

You take that out.

You smell it.

You're like-- and
then you eat it, OK?

Once you've done that, you
can move on to stage three.

Stage three-- OK.

You're going to burst into
tears when someone asks you

some invasive questions, like--

No.

How dare you.

Or-- How dare you ask me that.

No, please.

Back up, back up.

OK.

So stage 4, you're
going to want to wear

the same outfit every day.

Yeah.

You just pick
something that works.

What is the outfit?

This is the outfit.

Yeah.

There it is.

The duvet cover is the outfit.

OK, stage 5.

And this is the final stage.

Carlo Rossi.

Some people may not know that.

You go, what's Carlo
Ro-- is that a gentleman?

It's a gentleman.

You two are going to
become very close friends.

And if you don't know,
this is a type of wine

that doesn't come
in a bottle, folks.

It comes in a jug.

This is a quantity game.

When you're at stage five,
you're in the quantity game,

OK?

If you're like, what's the jug?

I'll show you the jug.

That's the damn jug.

You know the damn jug.

You know that none of us are
above this jug, none of us, OK?

You pop a straw in that, at
about 4:00 PM, congratulations.

You are now a professional
in depression.

A round of applause
for you guys.

Congratulations.

Yes.

[applause]

Yeah.

I think I didn't want to go
through the stages of grief

because that would mean I'd
be working towards acceptance.

And I didn't want to do that.

I saw acceptance as letting go.

And I didn't want to let
go because if I let go,

then I'd be letting go of the
last piece of my dad I had.

And then he'd really be gone.

And then I would have nothing.

And I was scared, and I
didn't want to do that.

And so I clung, and I clung.

And I kept having panic attacks.

Eventually, I went to therapy.

And that changed my life.

Anyone here in therapy?

That's great.

See, that's the New York show.

That's great.

I do this show on the road.

I'm like, anyone in therapy?

And it's just one guy
in the back like--

Yeah.

But I started going to therapy.

And that changed my life, man.

I owe everything
to my therapist.

She helped me at first.

I remember having
a panic attack.

And I called her.

I was like, doctor, I'm
having a panic attack.

I don't feel good.

She was like, hey, Alyssa.

Just breathe.

And I remember being like, hmm.

Wait, but I pay you.

So if I pay you, I'm
going to need your advice

to be better than
something I would

read on a mug at my
aunt's house, OK?

I'm like, I don't know.

I don't feel too well.

She's like, hey, Alyssa, Alyssa.

Live, laugh, love, OK?

I was like, I don't know.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good.

And she's like, hey, Alyssa.

It's wine o'clock somewhere.

OK?

Yeah.

Bottoms up, baby.

She was great.

She helped me actually
accept what was happening

instead of fighting it.

I felt like I was holding on
to this life that was gone,

and I wasn't moving forward.

So I was just
floating in midair.

And she helped me ground
my feet and say, hey,

you got to move forward.

You got to start
building a life.

And she helped me
build a new life.

And she taught me about
taking care of myself.

I think I was a type of
person who was always

like needing other people's
help or feeling like I needed

someone to save me or help me.

And she helped me realize
like that's something

you can do within yourself.

It's this technique
called parenting yourself.

Do you guys know this?

Parenting yourself.

You don't know?

It's basically a technique where
you give yourself something

that you wish a
parent could give you

or that they can't give you.

Or you treat yourself
like you're a kid.

I remember the first
time she told it to me

I tried it for a week,
and I learned a lot.

And I lost custody.

Just right away,
they were like, no.

Who signed off on this?

No, uh-uh.

Absolutely not.

No.

But yeah, it was
a great technique.

And I feel like
over time, I really

did learn to become
my own parent,

and I'm happy that now I feel
I can live without a dad.

I can function.

I'm an adult. And that's great.

Though, of course, sometimes
I miss having a dad.

Did they tell you guys?

Do they tell you?

They didn't tell you?

They did they tell you guys?

They didn't.

OK.

Because I'm looking
for a dad tonight.

Oh, you guys didn't know.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, no, I'm looking for a dad.

Yeah, it's an open call.

It's an open call.

So yeah.

Basically, what I need is just
a dad to come on stage and just

answer a few
questions if that's--

the Pfizer man, would you do it?

Pfizer, would you do it?

Would you do it?

What's your name?

- Jeff.

- Jeff, come on up here.

Big round of applause for Jeff.

Yes.

All right.

Come on up, Jeff.

Woo!

All right, Jeff.

I'm going to be here.

I'm going to put you right here.

Take a seat, Jeff.

Wonderful.

Oh, yep.

Sure.

Yep.

Wonderful.

Jeff.

I'll tell you what, I'm feeling
good about the quarter zip.

I am feeling good
about a quarter zip.

That is very good dad material.

We're off to a great start.

We're off to a great start.

OK, here's what's
going to happen.

I'm going to ask
you some questions.

Whether or not you get
these right or wrong,

legally, you are
now my father, OK?

Legally, yes.

So that works for you?

- You're out of college.

I don't have to pay
for you anymore.

- Oh, believe me, buddy.

I'm still a financial drain.

Oh.

Yeah, OK.

Jeff, without
further ado, this is

who wants to be my dad,
who wants to be my dad.

[vocalizes] OK.

First question, low.

This is just a softball
here for you, Jeff.

How do I schedule a
dentist appointment?

- Call the--

- So all of a sudden,
we're off to a bad start.

That is not-- I
got to cut you off.

The answer is you don't do that.

I do it for you, OK?

OK.

He understands now.

He understands now.

Good.

You're getting it.

He's getting it.

He's getting it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, we're warming up.

We're getting it.

OK.

All right, Jeff.

Here we go.

You call me.

I don't pick up.

Nothing urgent to say.

What do you do?

- I drive over and find out
why you're not picking up.

- Not bad.

Not bad.

Honestly, that is really good.

I'll tell you what.

That's better than my--
mine was, alternatively,

you would leave a detailed
six-minute voice mail.

Details, OK?

But I think coming over, we're
going to count that as one.

We're going to
count that as one.

OK, great.

OK.

Oh, here we go.

I think you're going
to get this one, Jeff.

My boyfriend thinks we should
split chores 50-50, totally

reasonable, totally reasonable.

What do you think about that?

- I think he gets 100%.

- Ah!

[laughs] Yes, Jeff.

Points on the board for Jeff.

Jeff, that is the exact
answer we were looking for.

That's wonderful.

Now we're really warming up.

OK.

I'm going to sing a little
something for you, OK?

(SINGS) Never mind, I'll
find someone like you.

How'd I do?

- You should be on stage.

- Aha.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Unfortunately, Jeff, yeah,
the answer we were looking for

is oh, Adele is shaking
in her boots, OK?

Jeff, final question for
all the money in the world.

Where do you buy your pants?

- Oh, whatever shows up
in my closet, I wear.

- Not bad.

Not bad.

Not bad.

But Jeff, not bad.

But the answer we were looking
for and say it with me,

folks, is the same
place as 20-pound peanut

butter and a flat-screen TV.

Jeff, thank you so much.

Thank you.

A big round of
applause for Jeff.

Thank you.

A big round of
applause for Jeff.

See you at Christmas.

I'll see you at Christmas.

I didn't get a goodbye from my
dad, and I really wanted one.

I was home for a year.

There was time.

But like I said,
my dad was just not

able to express his
emotions that well,

and he just didn't
want to talk about it.

And I couldn't get a
goodbye, and I tried.

And I tried because I wanted not
just a goodbye but the goodbye.

Do you know which one
I'm talking about?

The goodbye from a movie,
where the dad's in his room

and he's just like, [sighs]
daughter, daughter, come quick.

I fear there's not much time.

And I have things
I must tell you.

One, take care of your mother.

Two, the business is yours.

And three, buried way
deep, there's a box.

And in this box, you'll find--

and then he dies.

And you're like, oh, my god!

Where's the box?

What's in the box?

You don't know, but you
keep looking for the box.

You search for the box.

You get a tattoo of the box.

Your life has meaning
and purpose and guidance.

I didn't get that.

And I wanted it.

And I was so scared
to not have it.

And I remember a lot of
people trying to comfort me

after my dad died.

And I don't think
there's anything wrong

you can say when someone
dies because I still

don't know what to say.

It's a weird thing.

It's impossible.

But there's one
thing that people

said that I take
some umbrage with,

which is time heals all wounds.

It's been six years
since my dad died, six.

And I am still wounded.

I miss my dad every day.

If you're here and you're
comfortable sharing,

keep your hands
up the whole time.

Who here is also missing
a dad that they've lost,

or a mom, or a grandparent,
or a child, or a sibling,

or a partner, or a friend,
or someone they once loved?

Everyone's grieving.

Everyone you see walking
down the street is grieving.

Whether it's loss or
death or just mourning

the passage of time,
it's all grief.

We're all walking around just
wounded by the memory of love

and haunted by its absence.

You don't heal from that because
it becomes a part of you.

Time doesn't heal.

But time does change things.

It's been six years.

That's a lot of time.

I have lived a lot of
life since my dad died.

I've explored.

I've hardened.

I've shrunk.

I've come alive.

I've bent.

I have broken.

I've wobbled.

I've grown.

I've changed.

I'm a different person than the
person I was when my dad died.

I'm totally different.

I live on a different
side of the country.

I move at a different
pace of life.

My community is different.

My career is different.

My friends are different.

The house that I grew up
in and watched my dad take

his last breath in is gone.

Everything about my
life is different.

There's nothing in
my life right now

that looks the same way it
did when my dad was alive.

It's a little scary to think
like, man, I don't even

know if he'd recognize
this version of me.

I'm different.

I was a kid when he knew me.

And now I'm an
adult. The only thing

I have left of my dad in my
current life is this show.

I've been doing this
show for six years.

I started doing it three
months after my dad

died like a maniac.

I remember doing it for the
first time when people saying

like, wow, it's so cool
of you to be processing

your grief like this.

I think that's generous.

It's nice, but that's generous.

I don't think that's
what I was doing at all.

I think that I was hanging
on for dear life to my dad.

I think that I was
still clinging.

I didn't want to let go.

I was just hoping that
if I kept doing the show,

if I kept talking about
my dad, that my dad would

get to travel with me
as my life was changing

and as I was moving
away from him.

And now, tonight,
this is the last time

I'll ever do this show.

And after this, that's it.

I can't do it anymore.

It's going to go
live on Peacock,

and I won't be able to do
this material on the road.

I won't be able to talk
about my dad in this way.

It's going to be
gone, and I'm going

to be forced to do that thing
that I was scared to do back

in the day, which is be
left with nothing of my dad

and be in this new
reality, which I love.

But he's not in.

And that scares me.

And that makes me sad.

But then I remember
what brought me here.

And it's him.

My dad's death woke me up.

I was sleeping,
and it woke me up.

It taught me that
all we have here,

all we have is a
collection of days.

And whether it's 10,000 or 100
or one every day that we get

is a day to live.

And I watched my dad
lived through hell

and still find the
good in every bad day.

I watched him look death in
its face and say, game on.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today we're going in the pool.

I'm different now.

I started saying yes.

I started going
for what I wanted,

enjoying days, finding
good parts of bad days,

calling friends, reaching
out, always ordering

an extra pastry when
I went to the bakery,

packing sneakers just in case.

His death changed me.

I'm more of an optimist now.

I see the world a
bit more brightly.

And I'm proud to say, I
now wash my sheets at least

I live the life I live
from watching my dad live

and watching him die.

I feel really lucky
to have known my dad,

to have gotten to be his kid.

And I still do feel him with me.

I miss him sometimes
when I think of like--

a lot of my friends are
getting married now,

and I guess I just still--

I know it's archaic,
but I still think

of like the
father-daughter dance.

And sad that I won't
be able to have that.

It's my last show, and you
guys have been on this journey

with me.

Would it be OK if I did that
father-daughter dance here

in front of you guys?

Would that be OK?

OK.

All right.

And I'd like to do it to my
favorite genre of music, Zumba.

Hit it.

- (SINGING) Baby girl,
I just want you near.

Your mother got
niggas staying clear.

If you were sexy, lady.

Let me hear you scream it out.

If you came to party, baby.

Let me hear you
scream and shout.

I want you now.

I need you now.

Keep dancing in the crowd.

- Let's go.

There we go.

We're moving so good.

Yes.

Good.

Let's go.

OK.

- (SINGING) She ain't
the jealous type.

She ain't the jealous type.

Just tell me what you're
trying to do tonight.

Yeah, girl.

You better make that bounce.

- There he is.

Yes!

There he is in his
red sweat suit.

That's our family on a hike.

- (SINGING) BTB, you kn
ow we've run the town.

So let's go.

- There we are hiking
across Rhode Island.

And let's go, Courtney.

There we are as kids,
and my mom and dad.

OK.

There he is in the costume
that won the costume contest.

Here we are.

Yes, drop it.

Go!

Yes!

- (SINGING) If
you're a sexy lady,

let me hear you scream it out.

If you--

- We can count it.

[breathing heavily]
Well, that was beautiful.

Just like I'd always imagined.

Dancers, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, thanks.

[laughs]

[applause]

I hope you have a great
night and that no matter what

happens tomorrow, it's
a really good day.

Thank you.

[cheering and applause]

[music playing]

- My husband, Keith.

- I love you
forever, Mom and Dad.

- His funeral was last week.

- My ex-boyfriend who died.

- She was taken from
me way too early.

- He actually passed away
December 4th of last year.

- My brother.

Best brother ever.

- Ever?

- Ever.

- Here comes Jim Limperis
to the finish line.

- Woo!

[laughter]

[music playing]