All language subtitles for Those.Fantastic.Flying.Fools.1967.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-MANINGUE

The queen, god bless her.

Queen Victoria, the symbol of her age.

An age of progress, beauty and virtue.

An age when science
blossomed like a magic flower

and all mankind fell beneath its spell.

To this generation,
all things seemed possible.

The scientist and the engineer
were personally encouraged by royalty,

and at the forefront of every
experiment were the nobility.

Men like his grace, the Duke of barset.

And it is men like our beloved cousin
the Duke of barset

who have done so much to encourage
the advancement of science,

thereby enriching the daily life
of our subjects throughout the empire.

And so, before pulling this main switch,

we would like to congratulate him

on becoming the first man

to illuminate his house
completely by electricity.

Fired by enthusiasm,

the victorians probed ever deeper
into the mysteries of science,

and thereby achieved
miracles of engineering.

The Trent suspension bridge,
crowning glory in the career

of that great civil engineer
sir Charles dillworthy.

And so it gives us the greatest pleasure

to open this new suspension bridge.

The tenth to be designed and constructed

by sir Charles dillworthy.

An age of experiment, of trial and error.

And at this hour of trial,
sir Charles dillworthy

realised his error...

His business partner,
captain sir Harry Washington Smythe,

public works contractor,
financial genius, sportsman.

How exactly does it work?

It's quite simple, captain, really.

Electro—magnetic bars on each pocket.

You merely switch on
with your selector switch here,

which pockets you want, and you play.

Mmm.
— er, not with those, captain.

Centres of solid steel.

Ah—ha!

By jove, grundle!
It's an absolute corker!

I mean, one can't possibly lose.

And the patent is yours, captain,
for the trifling sum of 50 guineas.

My dear fellow, you will
have my personal cheque.

In that case, I shall offer it
to the Marquis of engleby.

Grundle, I tell you what,

how about my solid gold watch?

Done.

Not all the applications of science

brought such obvious rewards to mankind.

Applied to less peaceful ends,

it resulted in the development of new
and ever-more terrible weapons of war.

Professor siegfried Von bulow,

explosives expert to the kaiser.

Your imperial majesty,

I would like to demonstrate for you now,

the Cannon helmet.

With the aid of this helmet,
every infantryman

is converted into a piece
of mobile artillery.

Thanks to science,
man's vision of the future

was clear and optimistic,

and nowhere was optimism
more apparent than america.

The New York office
of the great Phineas t. Barnum,

great showman, great optimist.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

Byjoining me in this new venture,
you've ensured

for each and every one of us
a brilliant future.

We are deeply indebted to you,
mr barnum.

Oh, no, no, no, don't thank me.

I want you to share with me in
the benefits of this great new enterprise,

and it will be truly great, my friends.

Not just an American show,

not merely the greatest attraction
in the civilised world,

but a truly terrestrial attraction,

- the greatest show on earth!
— mr barnum!

What in the name of tarnation's
that contraption?

That, sir, is a teleprinter,

connected directly with my
manager's office in Philadelphia.

By means of that machine he will
keep us informed of our progress.

"Entire...

Show...

Burned...

To the ground.

Stop.

Fean_

You are...

Completely...

Ruined.

Stop.

Advise you...

Leave the country...

Immediately. Stop."

Hey, stop!

Barnum!

Well, general...

In about 15 minutes
we'll meet the liverpool bucket.

No sign of it yet, barnum.

Say, what do we do
when we get to england?

Make a fortune. — oh.

How?

Well, that minor detail we'll
take care of when we get there.

Ah, Charles, how nice to see you again.

Yes, barset.

The usual crowd of fools
and charlatans, I see.

- Good evening, your grace.
- Your grace.

Good evening.

You heard about my bridge, I suppose?

Oh, yes, yes. May I offer you
my deepest sympathy?

Terrible catastrophe.
— I was victimised, barset, victimised!

Dishonest contractors, inferior materials.

I was betrayed by the company,
barset, betrayed!

Yes, yes, terrible.

Oh?

Excuse me, Charles.

I'm delighted to meet you, sir.

I'm barset, president of the society.

Er, barnum, Phineas t. Barnum.

Barnum?

Not the great barnum?
— mm. At your service, sir.

Oh! Why, yes, yes, of course.
This is wonderful!

Then this must be little Tom thumb.

General Tom thumb.

I do beg your pardon.

Yes, of course.

I had no idea that you were in england.

Well, we just arrived today.

Sort of slipped in without
any fuss, you know.

Well, it's jolly nice
to see you at our lecture.

Lecture?

Yes, yes, we shall be
starting any moment now.

Do come this way, will you, please?

Gentlemen, I think we
really must be going in.

And so, with this new
explosive substance,

which I call bulovite...

You understand? Bul—o—vite.

It is possible that
a projectile could be fired

which would escape completely

from the gravitational pull of the earth

and travel through the upper
reaches of the atmosphere.

Iconfinue.

Aah...

huh?

This explosive will revolutionise gunnery

as we know it today.

A projectile fired beyond
the earth's atmosphere

would have a range which is infinite.

In fact...

Such a projectile
could reach the moon.

How would you fire such
a projectile, professor?

From a Cannon.

You would have to construct
an enormous Cannon.

Please, please, gentlemen!

Professor Von bulow is our guest.

Professor, in your opinion,

could such a projectile
carry a human being?

- Could a man travel in it?
- Yes.

If he was a small man.

Naturally, sir. — and of course,

providing the human body
could survive such a trip, huh?

Well, sir, speaking as a physician,

I can assure you that the human system

is quite incapable of
surviving at such a velocity.

Nonsense!

Are you questioning
my medical judgement, sir?

Yes, indeed I am, sir.

When we engineers
first constructed a railway,

it was you physicians
who said that no one

could travel at 20 miles an hour
and survive.

And judging by the railways
you construct, sir, they were right!

That's an attack on my reputation.
That's a personal attack.

Let me tell you this, for what it's worth.

People are a darn sight
safer on my railway

than they are in your surgery.

And you can stuff that up
your stethoscope.

Did you hear what that man said?
I have never been so insulted...

Order, gentlemen, please!

Order!

Please!

Please, gentlemen, please, let us
not get overheated. I beg of you.

Who is this fellow?
He's not a member, is he?

Gentlemen, may I introduce to you
mr Phineas t. Barnum.

Gentlemen, gentlemen...

When I received an invitation
to this meeting,

I thought perhaps at first
there had been some mistake.

But now I discern the hand of Providence

has sent me here this evening.

The professor here has mentioned

the possibility of a journey to the moon.

A voyage to another planet.

Think upon this, gentlemen.

Perhaps one of us here
in this very room,

may be the first man
to set foot upon the moon.

Now, who will join me on a committee

to instigate this magnificent adventure?

I'll join you, mr barnum,
yes, indeed I will.

Yes, and so will I!

Naturally, I will join that committee.

We will!

Thank you, gentlemen.

This meeting will go down in history.

The meeting at which it was first decided

to send a living human being to the moon.

Hooray!

Hooray!

Read all about it, barnum sensation!

Barnum sensa... — boy!

Barnum proposes trip to the moon!

Sir Charles dillworthy
and the Duke of barset

also joined the committee,
and there is great speculation

as to who will be the first person
to be sent to the moon.

I wonder what mr gladstone is doing?

Your imperial highness,
Von bulow is going to the moon!

Good!

Gaylord!

Gaylord, you must not go to the moon.

Gaylord?

But, gaylord, you must not go
up to the moon just because of me.

I am not going up to the moon.

I am merely going over the channel
to england.

Oh, and what about me?

You, that's all you ever
think about, isn't it, you?

Well, what about science,
what about progress,

and what about me?

Five years I've been working on the plans,

and now over in england,
they're starting to make one without me.

Well, they're not going
to get away with it. No, sir!

The first ship landing on the moon

is going to be designed
by gaylord Sullivan.

Oh, gaylord, I do love you!

Then, why are you marrying him?

But I love him, too.

But you can't love both of us.

It just... it just isn't decent!

But I do!

This way is best by far, gaylord.

You see, he is the richest,

so I marry him,
but I see you in the afternoons.

It's better than marrying you
and seeing him in the afternoons.

But, madelaine, I've never heard
such a suggestion.

You've got to make up your mind.
It's either him or me.

Oh!

Hey, madelaine!

It is him!

Yes, but who are they?

Oh, they're the guard of honour
from the wedding.

You'd better make up your mind quickly.
I'm not hanging around to argue.

Oh, I come with you. Oh!

Quick!

Imbécilel you did not load it.

Monsieur, we did not know
it was that kind of a wedding.

Gaylord, it is me she loves.

Bring her back!

I'm sorry, Henri, I can't.

I've got to go to england.

Never! Marcel.

Henri, Henri, don't shoot!

I love you!

Is it true? You really love me?

I will always love you, Henri, always.

Oh... madelaine!

This is the inquiry about rights
to mineral deposits on the moon.

File that under "prospective investors".

How do we find out
if there's mineral up there?

Well, the man who goes up
will have to bring back samples.

Barnum, I've opened over 2,000 letters,

and I ain't found one yet from
a man who wants to go there.

General, I'm sure there's
such a man somewhere.

A man of courage, devotion, loyalty.

Possibly a, erm, military man.

Well, like you always say,
there's one born every minute.

Ah, yes. Well, we don't have to
worry about that yet a while.

I'm off to barset house.

First meeting of the committee.

- Good day, general?
- Good day.

Good morning, mr barnum!

Good morning, your grace, good morning.

The others are here.
Let's go into our committee room.

Oh, Anna! This is mr barnum.

Miss Anna lindstrom,
my daughter's companion.

- — Oh, how do you do?
- Charmed.

Sorry, daddy!

This is mr barnum, my dear.

My daughter, lady electra.

Hello, mr barnum.

We're making a lift, daddy.

Good!

I shan't need the pickaxe now, Anna.
I've managed without it.

Right—oh!

Both of them are very keen
on engineering, you know.

I encourage them,
keeps them out of mischief.

Yes, yes.

Hop on, Anna.

I'll pretend to be the motor.

Ready, Anna?

Now, gentlemen, as I see it,
our immediate task

is divided into three sections.

First, the construction of the Cannon.

Oh, in my head
it is already constructed.

Good, splendid, professor.

And secondly,
the construction of the projectile.

Oh, well, you can leave that to me,
mr barnum.

Very good, very good.
And third and lastly,

the raising the money for the project.

Ah, yes, that could well be
the most difficult part of it.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

If this committee will furnish me
with an estimated cost of this project,

I will raise the money.

However...

However, I will need
an assistant to act as treasurer.

- Yes, and I know just the chap.
- Oh, splendid, who is he?

My brother—in law,
captain sir Harry Washington Smythe.

I beg your pardon.

Very silly of me.

Er, this Smythe, he is, of course,
a completely reliable man?

Absolutely first rate. He's a gentleman.

That thing work, grundle?

Of course it will.

I knows me trade, you know.
I learned it out in the colonies.

Yeah, we know, you laid the first cable

from botany bay to Van diemen's land.

How does it work?

Quite simple really, you know.

This machine is connected
to the main telegraph lines.

Now...

Every time a message comes
through to the telegraph office,

you reads it first.

That way, you gets advanced information

on the stocks and shares.

Well, I suppose if the stock exchange
are going to use the telegraph,

we shall have to do the same thing.

Although it won't be half as much fun

as intercepting carrier pigeons.

Here, one coming through now.

"Captain sir Harry Washington Smythe,

14 enterprise billings, London, wc1

but that's me! What's it say?

"Come to barset house immediately
regarding position of

treasurer to
moonship subscription fund.

Signed barset."

What's a moonship?

I don't know what a moonship is,

but I know what a subscription fund is —
Money. Come on!

Who on earth's that?
— miss Anna, from the look of her.

From the look of her what?

From the look of her,
I think I'd better go and help her.

Oh!

Why must we always
meet like this, in secret?

And as mr barnum will agree, I'm sure,
we mustn't leave the money idle.

As it comes in, I will invest it.
On behalf of the committee, of course.

I know some excellent companies.

Good, good. Well, gentlemen,
do we all agree then

that captain Smythe
shall act as treasurer?

It gives us the greatest pleasure

to open this new suspension bridge.

Thank you, sir Charles.

Well, fine, fine. Now that's settled,

captain, would you sit here?

I'll sit next to sir Charles if I may.

I've always been
a great admirer of his works.

And now, gentlemen, I think
professor Von bulow should speak.

Huh? Ja.

Gentlemen...

By this experiment, you'll see some
of the problems which confront us.

Bulovite.

Open the window, please.

Watch closely.

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ah!

You see, gentlemen,
the problem of recoil.

Yes, amazing, professor, amazing.

And that's only part of our problem.

To fire a projectile

beyond the pull
of the earth's gravitation,

it would be necessary
to construct a Cannon

with a barrel measuring 573 feet.

By using bulovite, however,

I can reduce this length to 310 feet.

The real problem is that
it is not possible

to construct a Cannon of this size.

The only answer, therefore, is...

Ja, ja, ja,

the only answer, therefore, is...

To drill a hole into
the side of a mountain.

And use this... for our Cannon.

Understand?

Then our first task
is to find a mountain.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I can help you there.

We own one.

Do we, Harry?

Well, of course we do, Willie,
cairflywte.

Oh, yes, of course, the estate in wales.

Yes, I'd forgotten about that place, yes.

Oh, look, it's uncle Harry's
new gas carriage.

Beautiful!

Miss Anna?

Yes? — half-inch spanner.

Here.

Dillworthy.

Dillworthy, come back!

Get away from me, Smythe!

Dillworthy, I want a word with you!

It's the voice of the tempter!
Get away from me!

But, dillers, old chap!

Thou shalt not tempt me, Smythe!

The voice of the tempter
has been heard in the land!

The way you're shouting, at sea as well.

No, Smythe, I won't do it.

Whatever it is, I will not do it.

But I merely wish to offer
you a lift back to town,

on my new gas carriage.

On your new gas carriage? Oh...

No, there'll be more to it
than that, I know you.

Well, I did think we might
have a chat on the way back

about this moonship thingy.

No, Smythe, no!

I mean, look what happened
on that Trent bridge.

It collapsed, in front of her majesty.

The humiliation of it!
And it was all your fault.

You supplied the materials.

Well, you took the profit
and now you're complaining.

Not very sporting.

I know, but it was me
that had to face the inquiry.

You know, dillers, there could be
£5,000 in this for you.

Oh, stop tormenting me, Smythe.
Get thee behind me, Satan!

Possibly even seven.

Oh, the flesh is weak,
but every man has his price.

All right, what is your price?
— ten.

Right, £10,000 the day my company
gets the contract for the moonship.

Oh, blast!

What's the matter with the darn thing?

Run out of gas. — oh.

Give us a push, will you?

Go on.

Well done.

That's it.

Right, that'll do.

Now, dillers, shin up
and fix this on, will you?

Steady, steady.

Mind the paintwork.

Right, turn it on.

You know the whole principle
of this vehicle is dishonest.

It relies on stolen gas.

That isn't the point.

It's very economical to run.

The committee has acquired this mountain
from his grace, the Duke of barset.

The greatest geologists in england

have pronounced it
suitable for our purpose.

And so, gentlemen, it is from this spot,

man will journey forth to
his conquest of the moon!

I think we should be going down now.

They're ready to start blasting.

- Madelaine, darling? —hmm?

I don't know where we are.

Why don't we go down and ask somebody?

Because then we wouldn't have
enough gas to get back up again.

I should have stayed with Henri.

He would have looked after me.

He's just a big, rich, stupid fool.

He knows nothing. —hmm.

But at least he knows where he is.

But he doesn't know where you are.
—mmm!

Oh, madelaine,
I wish we were on the ground.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Going to the ground, my darling.

You've let too much out!

Grundle has placed the charge
of bulovite all round the top

and we shall discharge them
with electricity!

You see the idea, gentlemen,

is to remove the top of the mountain,

leaving a flat surface,
into which we will dig our shaft.

Is this the electric detonator, professor?

Oh, no, no, no.

That's my electro—magnetic
speaking trumpet.

Ah—ha.

Hello, he's off again.

What's he saying?

I don't know.

He can't be using it properly.

Gaylord?

Oh!

Gaylord!

Gaylord, take care!

Gaylord, help!

Help!

Gaylord!

Gaylord!

Quite still, gentlemen.

Guv'nor, all charges laid.

Splendid, splendid!
You heard my instructions all right?

Oh, yes, yes, every word.

And now, gentlemen, I shall
remove the top of the mountain!

Hey, there! Help, help!

Hey, there!

Stop!

Thank heavens it didn't work.
— but it should have worked!

- Ugh!
- Are you all right?

Ah! Thank you.
Oh, thank you, barnum.

What?!

Yes?

Oh!

Please, can you help me?

Is the bridegroom with you?

No, I'm all alone in a foreign country.

Foreign but not unfriendly.

Do come in.

Oh, thank you.

Why, it's absolutely incredible!

You must have been working
on these plans for years.

It's all I've ever dreamed about.

But how on earth did
you get here, boy?

We came by balloon.

The balloon? Madelaine, I forgot.

Yes?

You'll find some clothes in there.

They belong to lady electra.

My niece, you know.

Oh, thank you.

What can we do to find gaylord?

Hmm? What? Oh!

I... don't... don't worry.

I'll get my man
to organise a search party.

Oh, thank you.

You're being very kind.

Perkins! Perkins,
I want you to come in here.

Coming, sir.

Ah, there you are, Perkins.

Yes, sir. Here I be, sir.

Perkins, there's a young
French lady in the next room

whose fiance is lost in the hills.

I want you to organise a search party
and go and look for him.

Yes, sir. It'll be getting dark, sir.

Maybe the young lady, if she wants
to come along, will have to hurry.

Careful, Perkins.

No, that won't be necessary,
she'll stay here with me.

She'll be perfectly safe here with me.

Oh, that she will, sir.

You being the finest and most honourable
gentleman that ever did draw breath.

Oh, thank you, Perkins.
Well, off you go.

Take my horse, no time to lose.

Aye-aye, sir.

Sent my man off.

Care for a spot of supper?

Oh, thank you. I am just coming.

Oh, dear, the door is jammed.

Oh, really?

Well, don't worry, I'll come
and help you through the window.

Champagne?

There's no sign of her.

The Duke's hunting lodge,
perhaps she's in there.

Madelaine!

Gentlemen of the committee,
it gives me much pleasure

to show you, for the first time,

a scale model...

Of my moonship.

Barset, will you kindly assist me, please?

Oh!

Well?

Well...

It certainly is a handsome thing.

You see, I don't know very much
about engineering, but—...

No, indeed you don't, mr barnum.

Yes, well, sir Charles, as you know,
I'm only an amateur engineer.

Yes, I do know, barset,
extremely amateur.

Yes, well, it occurs to me that,

if this is to be fired from a Cannon...

Yes, barset?

Well, it seems to me these projections

might prevent
the air—tight fit in a Cannon.

Are there any more questions?

Yes, I have a question I'd like to ask.

Look, mr barnum, I can
assure you that this projectile

will take a man to the moon
in perfect safety.

Exactly, sir, but how
does it bring him back?

I was told to design a projectile
to convey a man to the moon.

Nothing was said about bringing him back.

But he might not like it up there.

Then he'll just have to lump it
then, won't he?

The obvious answer is to find someone
who doesn't want to come back.

Well, I can assure you, sir,
that general Tom thumb

will insist on coming back.

Well, then, we'll just
have to find someone else.

Some fella out the workhouse.

Give him an ounce of baccy and a couple
of shillings, he'd jump at the chance.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't send
a man up there to his doom.

Barnum, I mean, the public
would never permit it.

Even if he is a pauper.

I take it, sir Charles,
you haven't examined

this young man's design?

No, I have not!

And I've no intention of doing so, either.

I'll tell you this,
it's either mine or nothing.

And you can get in touch with me
when you've made up your minds!

Oh, dear!

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
let us not be too despondent.

Gaylord, would you be good enough

to show the gentlemen your proposal?

Well, yes.

You see it was my idea to
place rockets in the nose,

so that when it landed on
the moon, in this position,

reverse rockets would
propel it back to earth.

Rockets, yes, of course!
That's the logical answer.

You idiots!

This fraud could never design a moonship.
He's a charlatan.

Well, even so, sir Charles,

we are prepared to commission
the design from him.

And I'm afraid that your services

will be no longer required.

Oh, they won't, won't they?

Well, you'll see. You'll be begging
for me to come back, begging.

You'll see, all of you!

And he's not pinching
my design neither!

Hello, dillers old man. Anything wrong?

Why weren't you there, Smythe?
Why weren't you at the committee meeting?

I had to fight them all on me own!
No support from anyone.

Anything go wrong?

Everything!

They've pushed me off!

And commissioned that damn yank!

Well, I shall need to talk
to Willie about this.

Get that yank, as you say, pushed off
and you put back on again.

It's the only patriotic thing to do,
besides it's absolutely vital

we get the contract for
that moonship, vital.

We have followed with great interest

the progress of your moonship, mr barnum.

We understand that the subscription fund

has now reached over a million pounds.

Have you decided who will journey in it?

Well, ma'am, we're not
releasing the news till later.

But we wish to know now.

It will be general Tom thumb, ma'am.

Splendid.

We will send him a message

wishing him godspeed and a safe voyage.

He'll appreciate that, ma'am.

We have also requested our war office

to give professor Von bulow

every assistance with his experiments.

Right. Come on, gentlemen,
on you feet, on your feet, all of you.

Come on, mr Hawkins,
you can have a nice lie down

when you get to the mess.
On yourfeet and get fell in!

Class, attention!

Class, by the right, face!

Class, eyes front!

- Class, number.
- One!

Two! — three!

Four! — five!

Hello? One gentleman absent.

Carruthers!
Anybody seen mr carruthers?

Come on, mr carruthers, sir,
at the double.

We're waiting for you.

- I was blown up, sergeant.
- — yes.

But you've come down
again now, haven't you?

- Yes, sergeant.
- — then get fell in!

Remember, sir, you are
an officer and a gentleman.

When a common gunner gets blowed up,
he might hang about up there,

but an officer hurries down
and gets properly fell in!

Ready to continue, sir.

Now we'll try it in the gun
and see what happens.

Only this time we shall double the charge.

A double charge, sir.
Yes, sir, I understand, sir.

Double charge, sir?!

That's what I said, yeah.

These experiments are of vital
importance to the moonship, huh?

Double charge.

Your pass, sir?

I'm looking for professor Von bulow.

Oh, him, sir. Yes, he's
over on the north range

with a class of officer cadets,

just the other side of that red flag.

Ah, thank you.

Ram home.

And now for the bulovite!

Mr towers, mr Hawkins.

Careful, you idiot!

Sir.

Right. One gentleman to
volunteer to ram it home.

Mr carruthers.

But I did it last time, sergeant.

Yes, well, you've had the experience,
so to speak, haven't you?

Come along now!

What next, sir?

I don't know, we never
got this far before, huh.

Oh. I will examine my notes.

Might I suggest the projectile, sir?

The projectile, of course,
that's right, that's right. Oh, yes.

Load ball.

Gun loaded, sir.

Good, good, good.

Er, now all we need is a slow fuse.

- — All present?
- Yes, sergeant.

Good.

Shall I touch her off, sir?

Huh?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'd hate to be close to that lot
when it goes off.

Professor?

Professor Von bulow?

Hey?

Did you hear something, sir?

Not yet.

But in 20 seconds, you will hear
the most beautiful sound in the world.

Professor Von bulow, are you there?

Suffering cats,
the blasted thing is on fire!

What do you want me to do with this thing?

Put it out, sir, put it out!

Excellent fuse you are using, hmm?

One can't put it out.

Ooh!

Hey, this damn thing's dangerous.

What do you want, barnum, huh?

You are holding up my experiments.

Oh, professor, the committee
is becoming a little bit agitated.

Now, you must give us precise details

for the digging of that Cannon shaft.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Fit another fuse, please.

Right! At the double.

Er, we have driven in the subsidiary shaft

and, you see, we can't start
working on the Cannon shaft

until you give us the precise,
er, er, diameter.

Yes, I know, but that
depends on my experiments.

However, I shall be
finished here in one week.

Come on and watch this.

No, no, professor, I must
report to the committee.

Come on, hurry up with that fuse...

Magnificent!

Oh, there you are, barnum.

Here, read that telegram, barnum.
Go on, read it.

Why, it's from
her majesty queen Victoria.

She wishes you every good fortune
on your trip to the moon.

But, general, this is wonderful!

Her majesty has chosen you
to travel in the moonship!

But of course, barnum, you
wouldn't know anything about it.

Well, general, I'll have to admit
that I had a slight inkling

that they might choose you.

But this is obviously what they
call a high-level decision.

Well, I'm making a low—level decision.
I ain't going.

You see, Willie, I think it's a bad thing
you should reject dillworthy's design

in favour of this American.

If he is American.

I mean, for all we know
he may be a spy or something.

It's your shot, Harry.

I see, Harry, you've
potted my ball again.

That's four times in four strokes.

Everybody has their special shot,
that happens to be mine.

Not against the rules, you know.

Besides, you would insist upon having

a five—guinea wager on the game.

No, I didn't, you did.

Did I really? — yes.

Jolly sporting of me.
You're very good, you know.

Mmm. Yes, well,
next time you do pot my ball,

Harry, I shall be most annoyed.

Your shot.

Ah!

Willie, about dillworthy...

Oh, not now, Harry. No, no, no.
Why, I'm planning a shot.

Good gracious...

There's something very peculiar
about this table, Harry.

What on earth?

Hey, this table's magnetic.

Oh... but how extraordinary.

I mean, what... what on earth
could have caused it?

A deliberate device to cheat!

Harry, you have perverted
the discoveries of science

to your foul and filthy ends.

Why, if you had any spark of decency,

you would go straight down
to the gun room.

The gun room, Willie?

You would lock the door.

There would be the sound of a shot.
A housemaid would scream.

And you, you Harry,

would have paid
for your despicable action

in the only way
left open for a gentleman.

I say, I like the bit about
the housemaid screaming.

You're a cad, sir!

A cad and a bounder!

And you are no longer
welcome in my house.

Furthermore, I shall recommend

that your moonship accounts
be audited immediately.

You're perfectly welcome, Willie.

You won't find anything there.

Die, dirty rotten spy!

Who was he calling a dirty spy?

I think it was me.

Oh?

Good.

Madelaine darling,
they've approved the plans

and we start work building it tomorrow.

Oh, good, and when you finish
we go back to Paris.

But you promise to stay
here with me until I finish?

But of course, my darling.

I love you.

And I love you.

But I also love Henri.

Poor Henri, he misses me so.

He says he's not going to eat anything
till I come back to Paris.

Ha, he'll be as skinny
as a bean pole by then.

Ho—ho! How long
do you stay here, gaylord?

Oh, I'd say about 18 months.

18 months! Oh, you beast!

Charge fired, sir.

Thank you, sergeant, that will be all.

My experiments are completed.

Now we know the correct
amount of bulovite to use.

Thank heavens for that, sir.

Stretcher bearers.

Right wheel!

Well, even if general Tom thumb
doesn't go,

it won't affect the design.

I've allowed for plenty of room inside.

How about the deliveries
of steel plates?

- Just a moment.
- Ah!

I've just received the auditor's report.

Captain Smythe has
embezzled over £100,000!

What?

How in the world can
a thing like that happen?

It's very complicated.

Grundle did explain it to me.

They tell me it's quite legal.

We can't touch him.

Over here!

That looks pretty! — yes.

And we'll make more.
We've only just started it.

There we are.

Pay double the bet.
Red, evens and two.

So this is how you invested
the moonship fund, did you?

Get... get your hands off me!
How dare you!

You'll regret this, Willie.

I promise you that! You'll regret this!

Get off! Get...

Harry, you're a traitor,
a rotten stinking traitor!

May I ask what you mean by that remark?

You know damn well what I mean.

Barnum has bribed you to put
the American flag on the moon.

- You're a traitor. — you liar!

Strike me again and every
patriotic englishman here will

- string you up from the nearest lamppost!
- — He's right enough there!

We'd string him up
as soon as look at him!

Furthermore, Willie, I'll wager
you any money you like,

you'll never even get that
moonship off the ground!

I will not demean myself
by wagering with you.

Well, I will. What odds are you giving?

50-to-one, Willie, 50—to—one.

- Done! 200 guineas on it!
- I'll have 500.

- 50 guineas!
- Oh, no! You can't back out of it now.

I have no intention of backing out,
but let's do this thing properly.

Gaylord will be surprised.

Gaylord, gaylord, look who is here!

Gaylord, my old friend.
How splendid to see you again.

And how is your great moonship going?

Henri, what are you doing here?

I have come to take madelaine
back to Paris with me.

We are to be married.

Yes, but she's promised to stay
until I've finished the moonship.

Oh, it is true, I promised.

Monsieur barnum, how long will it be?

Well, we're held up a little bit
for money right now.

We need another £100,000.

Oh, that is no problem.

Henri is the richest man in France.

He owns three banks.

Foun

he will lend you the money.

Well, I'm afraid it's not
quite that simple, my dear.

However, it is a marvellous
opportunity for a private investor.

Say no more, I will let you have it.

Well, by George, this is splendid!

We'll get together in the morning
and draw up the conditions.

There is only one condition.

And what is that, sir?

He must go up in it.

Oh, gaylord!

Good evening, Smythe.

I hear you're taking bets, Smythe.

Yes, £3,400 at 50-to-one!

Over 150,000, I say!

Is that altogether wise?

Therefore, dillers,
I need your expert assistance.

- Oh?
- — I want you to ensure that that moonship

never leaves the earth.

Never... never leaves the earth?

I say, what a splendid idea!

When can you do it?

Well, I mean, er...

There's no point in doing it yet.
Someone might find out. No.

The time to do it is when
the ship is constructed

and on view to the public.

Never leaves the earth!

Champagne?

You devil!

And how long will you have
the moonship on display in London?

Well, that depends upon
the firing date of the rocket,

which is now being determined
by the astronomer royal.

- Oh, yes.
- — and the number of people

who are willing to pay
to come and see it.

How many do you estimate?

Oh, I would say around two million,

at five shillings a head.

Half a million pounds, eh?

Not bad. — yes.

- Come and I'll show you around.
- Ah!

- — Morning, mr barnum.
- Oh, good morning.

Mademoiselles.

Ah, shall we?

There it is, dillers.

Can't do anything about it yet, Smythe.

Too many people about.

We'll have to wait until it's dark.

Yes, of course.

Well, I suppose we'll
have to stroll around

and enjoy the beauties of nature.

And what are these handles for?

Oh, that is the bed.

The bed? — mm—hmm.

Uh!

Hmm.

And why do you have
a carpet on the ceiling?

Because on the way down, sir,
that will be the floor.

What is the purpose of this aspidistra?

To see if the atmosphere
can support plant life.

- — And the canary?
- Bird life.

This is, of course, primarily
a scientific exploration,

but mind you, gentlemen,
there may be creatures on the moon.

Strange creatures beyond
our wildest imagination,

which the public will be most
anxious to see on exhibition.

Chloroform.

And these switches control the rocket.

I fire the rocket to
bring me back to earth.

Oh, gaylord, you are so brave!

To think you're going to go
up there all by yourself!

Oh, Henri!

- — Oh!
- What are you doing here?

I have come to take
madelaine back for our wedding.

Oh, no, I don't go to the moon
for months and she promised.

That she would stay until
the moonship was completed

and now it is completed.

Oh, it is true, gaylord.

Oh, madelaine darling,
have dinner with me tonight.

It may be our last time together,
on earth.

Of course I will, gaylord.

Oh, Bertram, I'm so glad
the moonship is finished.

Now you can stop working so hard,

and spend some time with me.

- — Miss Anna...
- Yes, Bertram?

There... there's something
I'd like to ask you.

Yes, Bertram?

Would you come behind
the bushes with me?

Oh, Bertram!

Come on.

Miss Anna, miss Anna, I...

I knows how you feels
about me and, well,

dare I, that is, may I...

Oh, miss Anna,

marry me, marry me
and come and live in watling.

- Let me take you away from all of this.
- — oh, Bertram.

I'm so fond of you,
but we can never marry.

Is it because of the differences
in our social position?

No, Bertram.

I know.

It's because of the colonies.

Mademoiselle!

What is the matter?
Is there anything I can do?

Oh!

Love is so cruel!

There, there!

There. Now, come on then.

Come on.

Sir percival, tell me,

on what date can we fire the moonship?

Well, the whole thing
is governed, you see,

by the position of the moon shaft.
Ah, yes.

Let me see now.

Oh, yes, yes, this is it.

Now, you must fire the projectile
on October the 20th,

at 11 minutes to four o'clock
in the afternoon.

But that's next Sunday.

So it is, yes.

No, no, that's much too soon.
What's the next date?

The next date, yes.

January the 14th.

- — Next year?
- Oh, dear, no, no, no.

Not next year.

January the 14th, 1968.

But, sir percival, there
must be some mistake.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, there's no mistake, no mistake.

It's the position of the moon...

The moon shaft, you see.

The moon only comes over it once

in every hundred years or so.

But, next Sunday.

Two million visitors
at five shillings a head.

Yes.

Yes.

All clear. Come on, dillers.

- Give me that science journal.
- What?

Science journal.

Taxidermy equipment.

Chloroform, what do they
want chloroform for?

No idea. Now, according to this,

the equipment is kept down here.

And this is the living quarters.

The control room must be...

Up here.

Come on.

Equipment, er...?

The current's switched off.

What are you looking for?
— the rocket firing equipment!

Is that it? — what? Yes.

Well done, Smythe, well done.

What will that do?
— I'll tell you.

When the moonship's fired,
the rockets will fire at the same time.

Now, the two pressures
will equalise each other,

and squash the whole thing flat
like a sixpenny piece,

unless, of course, it explodes.

Marvellous!

It's madelaine. — eh?

How nice to see you again, my dear.

I heard what you said.
You're going to murder gaylord.

You murderers! Murderers!

No, no, we were only joking, weren't we?

No, you were not.
You're going to blow it up.

You want to kill him!
— no, no, no!

You must have misunderstood.

Don't touch me! You're a murderer!
— my dear girl...

My dear girl, I can assure you that

I've no intention whatsoever
of harming you.

Well, I have!

What is this place, Smythe?

Run by an old friend of mine.

Now you understand,
I will not allow this girl

to be harmed in any way.

- Oh, shut up.
- — well, I mean it.

Sounds like a party.

Wait for us down there.

I all things bright and beautiful... I

I don't like the look
of this place, Smythe.

I don't like the look of it at all.

I all things great and small I

I all things wise and wonderful I
— oh, my great...

Ho—ho! It's captain Smythe.

Hmm.

All right, girls.

We thought it might be
one of the governors.

Er... sir Charles dillworthy.
— evening.

Pick her up, sir.

Bring her into the warmth.

Oh, what poor creature of the night
have you brought us, captain?

What poor lamb, who's
strayed so far from the flock?

We found her in the gutter, unconscious.

We fear she might have been drinking.

Drinking, dreadful.

Put her down, gently.

We feel that we may have saved her
from a fate worse than, um...

- Worse than death?
- — so I'm told.

Oh, it is, Smythe, it is, undoubtedly.

How the blazes would
you know, dillworthy?

I trust that she'll be quite safe here.

Oh, absolutely safe.

Only we feel that she may well
attempt to escape back to...

The life from which you saved her.

Exactly, I therefore look to you to...

Forestall such a wicked
and ungrateful act.

Precisely.

Very well, gentlemen,
if there is no alternative,

I will agree.

Good.

Good!

Tomorrow, we will transport
the moonship to wales,

and on Sunday we will send it on its way.

Good luck, mr barnum!
And good luck with the moonship!

Thank you very much.

What's the matter, young man,
worried about going up?

It's not just that, it's madelaine.

To think that she'd go away
with Henri now,

without saying goodbye.

Hey, guv'nor, look!

Oh, the moonship is coming!

The moonship is coming!

Gentlemen, three cheers! Hip, hip!

Hooray!

- — Hip, hip!
- Hooray!

- — Hip, hip!
- Hooray!

Thank you.

Well, here's to Sunday
and a successful launching.

I hear there's a whisper, her majesty
may decorate you tomorrow,

before you go.

I'm deeply honoured.

But why doesn't she
give it to me on my return?

Isn't that the usual thing?

Erm...

Of course I... I'm not normally
a drinking man, you understand that.

Oh, thank you very much indeed.

But it does help one
to drown one's sorrows.

Oh...

I've never told anybody about
this before, you realise that.

You were actually transported
to the colonies as a convict?

Mm. — but how jolly exciting.

What did you do?

15 years.

No, I mean, why were you sent there?

I stole a sticky bun.

- — Oh!
- Yeah, you see I was starving,

so I nicked this here sticky bun.

Oh, grundle.

15 years for a sticky bun.

- Oh, grundle, what beastly hard luck.
- — yeah.

Oh, my career makes
however shocking it is... oh!

But even worse, it's been a barrier
between me and the one what I loves.

Oh, grundle, have you
told her of your feelings?

It's no good, my lady, I...

I aspires to Annie.

Our social differences is too great.

Oh, grundle, dear grundle,

of course, marriage
is out of the question,

but true love knows no social barriers.

Providing, of course...

One is discreet.

Here, it's miss Anna...

With that Henri fella.

Mademoiselle Anna has
consented to be my wife.

Your wife? Are you some
kind of a blue beard?

What have you done with madelaine?

What have you done with her?
I have not seen her for nearly a week.

Well, she cannot keep doing this to me.

I am marrying miss Anna.

You can keep your madelaine.

Then where is madelaine?

How should I know?

Look, one of the bars is loose.

We can escape. You could be free.

What, free to work
in a rotten pickle factory

at half a crown a week? No, thank you.

Look, duck, you'll settle down
when you've been here for a bit.

Now then, girls, time for our nightcap.

Tea, coffee, cocoa or hot milk.

Thank you, matron.
— ain't you got no gin, matron?

Not for the junior girls, dear,
only for the seniors.

Oh, now, madelaine!

We're not still sulking for
the outside world, are we?

Why can't I make you understand?

While I'm prisoner here,
they're trying to murder gaylord.

He will be killed the moment
they fire the moonship.

But you're not a prisoner, dear.

Then why have you got
bars on the windows?

Oh! They're not to keep us in.

They're to keep the gentlemen out.

Oh!

If you make me come back, I'll tell.

Goodnight, Jack.

Now, tryjumping up and down, old chap.

Ha! Comfortable?

Oh, splendid, old chap.

Well, take off that moon hat.

Oh, by the way,
when you get to the moon,

don't jump too vigorously,
you could fly off the surface.

Now let's try out the launching bed.

There we are.

Yes, yes, that's jolly good.

Right, now lower the weights.

Can you move?

Oh, no.

Splendid, splendid, splendid.

Now, tell me, your grace,
what's all of this about?

Oh, it's just a little invention of mine,

to make him secure during the launching.

Well, how does he get
out from under there

with all these heavy weights around?

Well, it's quite simple.

When the moonship leaves
the earth's gravity,

the whole thing becomes weightless.

It just floats up off him.
It's quite simple.

Can you reach the launching lever?

Oh, yes.

How much further, Smythe?

Not far now. Cairflywte is just ahead.

I don't know why we had to
come here in the first place.

You only want to see the lad killed.

You're a ghoul, Smythe, a ghoul.

Not entirely.

I merely want you to
go inside the moonship

and make quite certain
they haven't discovered

any of your careful little readjustments.

Oh!

Psst! Mr barnum?

I'm colonel scuttling of Scotland yard.

May I have a word with you?

Why certainly, sir, what is it?
— shh, not here.

Mr barnum, we have received information

that there may be an agent
of the tsar in the vicinity.

Now, we believe that this agent
may try to sabotage the moonship.

Great thundering buffaloes!
What can we do?

I have mounted patrols
guarding the countryside.

Have your fellows keep
a strict guard on the ship.

Certainly, colonel.

It's the police, Smythe. — what?

The police!
— well, what about them?

You're exceeding the speed limit
for a mechanically propelled vehicle.

Oh, have I?
— you're doing nine miles an hour.

Am I really?

Will you stop? — oh.

They're closing in on us, Smythe.

Right, Smythe, four miles an hour,
if you please!

- Just a minute, sir. — yes?

We're looking for an agent of the tsar.

- Have you seen any suspicious persons?
- What does he look like?

Foreign—looking, dressed
in black with a tall hat.

Who are you?

I am sir Charles dillworthy,
British and proud of it.

- Sorry, sir. — the damn sauce!

Come on.

Hey, why have we stopped?
We're late already.

The royal train's stopped
at the station ahead.

We have to wait for it to pull out.

Is this cairflywte?

Yep.

Hey, you can't do that, miss, hey!

Put the block under the back wheel.

Run out of gas.

No gas lamps anywhere, Smythe.

We're stuck.

We're jolly well not.

J' we must always trust the stranger j'

I we must help him on his way I

j' we must... I

Gas company, sir, checking the pressure.

On a Sunday?

I don't want to alarm the family, sir,

but we've had a lot of explosions.

Oh, heaven preserve us! Do come in.

Thank you, sir.

How do you do?

Thank you.

How long will it take?

Oh, just a jiffy.

Pump!

Oh, the humiliation!

Well, do carry on.

J' we must always trust the stranger j'

I we must help him on his way I

j' we must always try
to give a helping hand I

j' a helping hand! I

I we must shelter him from danger
and our trust... I

j' he will repay j'

I and the spirit of our love
he'll understand j'

j' he'll understand! J'

j' if you see that fellow
sheltered at the wayside j'

I you must give him all the help
and love you can j'

j' the love you can! J'

J' you must never ever
lower his expectation j'

Oh, please, can you help me?

I must get to the moonship.
They're trying to blow it up.

The moonship?
Heaven preserve us, come in.

Thank you.

Stop, stop!

This young woman says they are
trying to blow up the moonship!

Oh, she does, does she?

Oh!

Lift it.
— what do you mean "lift it"?!

- Lift... — oh! Ah! Yes, yes!

It's that madelaine,
she's escaped, come on!

Get in.

We're pulling something, Smythe.
— what? Oh, shut up!

Can't you go any faster?

Come on, faster, you sluggard!

Dillworthy!

Dillworthy!

Ooh!

I'm... I'm sorry, Smythe.

I lost my temper. I deeply apologise.

Yes, dillworthy, you'll have
to watch that temper of yours,

it'll get you into trouble
one of these days.

We're in trouble now. We've lost her.

We're done for, Smythe, we're done for!

No, we're not! Come on.

I'm looking for barnum.

Oh, where is he?
— oh, daddy, he's... he's over there.

- Oh, yes. — ah! Ah, barnum!

Her majesty's on time.
She'll be here in five minutes.

Well, I wish Von bulow was on time.

He's still preparing the charge.

491.

Oh, there's one barrel short.

I shouldn't think one barrel
would made much difference with that lot.

There we... there.

How do we detonate it, sarge?

We don't detonate it, lad.

The moonship is dropped from
the top of the shaft up there.

It lands on the bulovite down here,
causing an explosion,

which launches it up again.

Hurry up with that last barrel!

I see...

Stretcher bearers!

I will not have this girl
harmed, Smythe.

This won't harm her,
it'll just stun her a bit.

Huh?

Come on, dillworthy,
help me with this rock!

Oh, all right.

Smythe! — what?

You'll never stun that lot, Smythe.

She's told them, Smythe!
We're finished, we're finished!

We're not. Come on!

As the first person to attempt

an astronautical voyage
from the earth to the moon,

we award you this decoration...

And wish you bon voyage.

Oh, and a safe return.

The moonship will be launched

in six minutes' time!

Six minutes!

Tell colonel scuttling we've
found the agent of the tsar.

You're mad, you're all mad!

I'm French. Francaisel

And to you, professor Von bulow...

Oh, it's not, er...
It's not me, ma'am, it's, erm...

Him.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, are you unwell too?

As well as can be expected, ma'am,

after serving you for
15 years in the colonies.

I thought you looked like an old soldier.

The moonship will be launched
in four minutes' time, four minutes!

This is the young lady, colonel.

You must let me go.
He will be killed, I tell you.

Do you admit that you
are an agent of the tsar?

No, of course not!

Bring the young lady a chair, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

This may take some time.

The moonship will be launched
in two minutes' time, two minutes!

Good luck, my boy.

Thank you very much, sir.

I usually have quite a lot to say,
but upon this occasion

I can only think of one thing,
young man, good luck.

Thank you very much, sir.

- Good luck!
- Good luck, sir.

So you claim to be French, eh?

Very well...

Ol'i est la plume de ma tante?

- What?
- Ah—ha!

- You don't understand me, do you?
- — I don't understand any of you!

You're all mad!

The moonship will be launched
in one minute's time!

She couldn't have told them.

30 seconds to go!

Aagh!

It's all right.

20 seconds!

I heard them say it.

It will blow up when he pulls
the lever. Please, please!

15 seconds!

Let's go! Let's go!

Don't fire the moonship!

Don't fire the moonship!

- — Let me go!
- Ten seconds!

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Foun

three.

Two.

One second!

What's happening?

- Has something gone wrong?
- — who are you?

An agent of the tsar.

Oh, I forgot, I'm not supposed to tell.

Chloroform, it must have leaked.

Thank heavens.

Stand by to take him out.

There's something wrong.
They're bringing him out.

Do you know something,
we've won, Smythe.

We've won!

He's unconscious. They'll never
get it off the ground now.

He might recover. Come on!
— what? Oh.

Put him down.
I said put him down.

That's right, put him down.

- Get the doctor, we must revive him.
- No, he can't go up! It is sabotaged.

There may be yet time to fix it.
Come here, doctor.

That's his precious moonship finished!

Yes! He'll never go up
if he knows he can't get back.

Great balls of fire! It's dropped!

Smythe, what have you done?

You bungling idiot!

Down, everybody!

Down, everybody, quickly!

Your majesty!

We have succeeded! Magnificent!

Gone and not a soul on board.

$10 million wasted.

Henri!

It's coal, barnum, coal! I'm rich!

We're rich!

You sold the site to
the committee, we're rich.

All right, we're rich!

We'll have enough money
to build another moonship.

Yes!

I blame you for this, dillworthy.

Because of your stupid bungling,

we're doomed to spend the rest of our days
with these filthy moon men.

I tell you we're not on the moon,
we're in Russia.

- Probably Siberia. — nonsense!

- We are on the moon.
- — I tell you, we're not!

Everybody happy?

Everybody sing!

Ooh!

J' yo, heave ho j'

j' yo, heave ho j'

there you are, Smythe,
if we're on the moon,

why are they singing Russian songs?

It simply means, dillworthy,

that the Russians got here first.

- Dillworthy?
- What?

Dillworthy, I have an idea.

No, Smythe, I won't listen!

I'll tell you something,
you get shot here.

- Seriously shot!
- — but, dillers, old chap...