All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.Of.Old.Christine.S03E05.Between.A.Rock.And.A.Hard.Place.eng

Previously on old christine:

Take ritchie home, he's
tired, you're tired.

We can do this another night.

You know what? Come to my house and
then after I put ritchie to bed...

at least we can make out a
little bit before I pass out.

Here's the thing.

What? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I know what "here's the thing" means.

- I don't want to hear it. I really, really like you.
- I don't really want to hear it.

We've been going out for three months.

We just started to develop
deep psychological bonds.

Yeah, and in three months
we've gone on six dates?

Oh, god, I know. I know, this
is impossible. You're right.

So you're dumping me?

Well, I'm going to tell
people th I dumped you.

Okay, bye, sweetie.

- Have a good day at school, okay?
- Okay.

I'll be in the parking
lot, in the car, if you need me.

Oh, I'm going to miss you.

- All right, bye, mom.
- Bye, darling.

Uh, you're squishing my homework.

Okay, sorry. Bye.

Hey, christine.

You okay?

Yeah, sure, I'm fine. Why?

Well, just, yoknowow pajamas in public.

Oh, yeah. I broke up with my boyfriend.

And he used to dress you?

Life goes on... for some.

Okay... wh-what are you doing?

Oh, chapstick.

My, uh, lips got really dry
from the salt in my tears.

No, christine, that's lipstick.

Yep.

Oh, here comes marly and lindsay.

Well, of course.

Well, look who got all dressed up today.

With makeup and everything.

Yeah, I'm a mess.

I wonder what's living in her hair.

I don't know...
bird, possum...

My broken dreams.

Well, don't cry. It ruins everything.

She broke up with her boyfriend.

No, he broke up with me.

I mean, why wouldn't he? Look at me.

Okay, I was going to say
that. What's she doing?

I'll tell you what I'm
doing... I'm dying alone.

All right, this isn't fun.

Yeah, I just had the urge to hug her.

I don't know what's happening.

Let's split up. I...

well, you freaked them out.
That's got to cheer you up.

Yeah. That's kind of funny.

That's the first laugh
I've had in a few days.

It feels good to laugh.

Okay.

That's-that's enough.

Okay... let's get you
off of school property.

I can't wait for
christine to feel better.

I've had to do everything.

I've had to buy a birthday present for
ritchie's friend, I had to wrap the present.

What else?

That's it.

Just be thankful you don't live here.

I could hardly study last night with
all the deep sighing and cork-pulling.

Okay, I'm here.

How's christine doing?

Not good.

She's really emotional.

She called me at 3:00 in the morning to tell me she
loved me and that I was the best white man she ever had.

- So you'll take ritchie to his party?
- Yeah.

Wait, why am I here? I thought
you needed help babysitting?

I do, but not ritchie.

You will be taking care of that.

Hey, what if I were to take ritchie
and you can take care of that?

I can'T. Look, I'm not
great with emotions.

When a woman cries, the only way I know how to
make them feel better is to sleep with them.

And that stops the crying?

Every time.

Most times.

Sometimes.

Listen, come on, barb, I need to go out.

I don't think she should be left alone.

I'd like to help, but I can'T.

Oh, why not?

I have no compassion.

She was with this guy for three months.

I was with pete for ten years.

I'm going through a
very tough divorce here.

I'm sad.

Is there anything I can do?

Get off of me.

Barb, all you have to do is
top off christine's chardonnay

and throw her body pillow in the dryer
to warm it up every once in a while.

I don't know.

Oh, come on, I have my first
required therapy session.

Therapy?

Did a judge order it?

Not this time.

It's part of my training
to become a therapist.

12 sessions to get a
patient's perspective.

Are you going to talk about your mother?

If I were you, I would.

I saw a shrink for a while and all
we talked about was your mother.

Hey, guys.

Richard, that is pathetic. Give me that.

Wow, what happened to you? You
were haunting the house last night.

Yeah, I decided I am
done with that. Hi, barb.

So, richard, you know what?

I am going to take ritchie
to the party after all.

Oh, I love parties.

Why am I here?

Yeah, that's just what I asked myself.

Why am I here, depressed, over what?

I had a three month relationship
th a guy that I liked.

How long can you be sad about that?

You took to your bed for three days when
melinda doolittle got kicked off idol.

Don't bring that up.

Anyway, I decided that I would allow myself a day
for every month that we were together to be sad.

So, that's three days.

And then I added a day
because he's gorgeous,

and then I added another day
because he said I was gorgeous,

and then I added two more days
because other things about him were...

very good.

So, um, add all of that up, that's
seven days, which were up yesterday.

That easy, huh?

Let's see, how long should
I be upset about pete?

We were married for ten
years, he's a son of a bitch.

Run those numbers.

Hello, matthew.

It's nice to meet you. I'm dr. Jacobson.

Looking forward to working with you.

Yeah, me, too.

Why don't you sit down.

Uh, they told you I'm
not a real patient, right?

This is just a part of my training.

You can still sit down.

A lot of people get nervous
about this part of their studies.

How are you feeling?

I feel well. Good.

Not a real patient.

So, what would you like
to talk about today?

Well, look, I can probably
save you a lot of time.

I've got some mommy stuff.

I mean mother stuff.

Smother stuff. Some other stuff.

I love that pause thing you're
doing. It's very effective.

I might use that with my patients.

So, yeah, thanks to mommy, uh, intimacy
issues, weird sense of identity,

uh, you know, never really
had a long term girlfriend.

But sexually active.

Pause.

Do you live with your mother?

Oh, god, no. I live with my sister.

Is this an exercise party?

No, it's a rock climbing party.

Yeah, it'll be fun. You
get to go up a wall.

You can pretend to be a
mountain climber or spider-man.

Scary.

Hi, I'm melanie.

- Yomust be here for jackson's party.
- No.

Yeah... yeah, you are.Go climb.

I'll help you get in a harness.

- This is an exercise party.
- No, it'S...

christine.

Hey, you cleaned up nice.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I decided to get over it.

You can just do that?

Yes, it turns out you can.

Look, christine, I have
my own set of problems

so I would really appreciate it
if you wouldn't unload on me again.

Yeah, you nearly ruined my mani-pedi.

It's okay, all right? M better now.

I don't have a problem.

Oh, someone must have adjusted her meds.

So, uh, what did the doctor give you?

Oh, nothing.

Just all bootstraps, self-respect
and strength.

Well, that doesn't help me at all.

You really turned things
around from this morning.

Yeah, well, you know what?

It's not like I had a marriage
fall apart or anything.

You know what that's like, right?

- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.

You think you found your soul mate.

You put in the best years of your life.

You must feel like a chump, huh?

Is this who you're going to be now?

Sorry, I'm just feeling
powerful, you know.

It's good to be in
charge of my emotions.

I don't feel like a victim anymore.

You know what I mean?

Ritchie didn't want to climb.

He didn't want to wear the harness.

- What?
- It hurt my pri S.

Okay, everybody, it's time
for "happy birthday."

So, if you follow sam into the other
room, he'll take you there for cake.

And if the parents want a chance to climb
while the kids are off, I can help you with that.

Oh, I would love to. Yeah.

I am living my life.

I'm taking my power back, you know?

I'm going to enjoy how full my life is.

I'm not going to obsess about
what I don't have, you know?

'Cause what I do have is pretty great.

I'm not going to count on
anyone else to make me happy.

I am the master of my own happiness.

Oh, don't look at my
ass on the way up. Okay?

No, you know what? Do.

No, no, no, no, don'T. Don'T.

So, let's see, you have no close friends, no
lasting relationships with women.

Because my mother counted on me
to fulfill her emotional needs.

Mother issues bought me a beach house.

Where my mother is staying, by the way.

But I'm thinking that might
not be your central issue.

Are you kidding?

My mother's picture is my screensaver.

She still makes me go bathing
suit shopping with her.

Matthew, there's no dot
you've mother stuff.

In fact, your mother stuff puts my mother stuff
in perspective, and I got some mother stuff.

I even married a man
who looks like her, so...

but your mother is not the reason
you can't have a real relationship.

It's because you're already in an
all-consuming, intimate relationship.

But not with your mother.

With who?

Your sister.

You seem to be having a strong response.

Well, because it's gross.

Very interesting reaction.

It's not "interesting". It's, it's gross.

Well, just think about it.

No. You can't make me.

My sister and I have a
perfectly normal relationship.

Marry me in a second.

Call me when you're free.

Help me be a woman again, matthew.

Yeah, come on in. We're
having a make-out party.

What would happen if we had a baby?

- You and me?
- What?

Let's just play with it.

There you go! You're almost at the top.

That is high.

Keep going.

Man, this place is wedgie city, isn't it?

I've seen some terrible things.

Ma'am, reach for that
blue hold on your right.

Why aren't you moving?

Christine: I loved him.

And now I'm all alone.

So, how are things?

Good. Good.

You?

Oh, good, good.

Oh, I had a question for you.

What the hell's going on?

I don't know.

I was reaching for that hold
over there and I thought,

"ooh, I'm going to make it to the top."

And then I thought,"oh, who cares?"

Who cares if I make it to the top?

I'm sure there's a
lot of people who care.

No, mike. There's nobody.

Nobody cares if I make it to the top.

Look, can we talk about
this on the ground?

Ritchie was right.

This hurts my privates.

You're wearing a kid's harness.

And no underwear.

Can we please get down?

I can'T.

I'm sad.

Look.

One relationship didn't work out.

That doesn't mean it can't
work out with someone else.

I tried to snap myself out
of it on my own, but I can'T.

I need help.

I need my brother.

Would you mind calling him for me?

My, my phone is in my purse.

He's number one on my favorites.

Actually, he's my only favorite.

- Could you just push redial?
- Got it.

Okay.

Bring me down.

Gentle. Gen-gentle.

Quickly. Quickly. Gentle. Gentle.

It's not stopping.

- Do you need to get that?
- No.

- Don't you want to know who it is?
- No.

- Do you know who it is?
- Yes.

Where is she?

Wow, how far up is it?

I've seen worse, but I'd say she's not
going to be able to wear those pants again.

I meant how far up the wall.

Oh, about 20 feet.

Matthew? Is that you?

Where were you?

I need you to help me get off.

I need you to use different words.

I think you'd better go up there.

Your wife's having a hard time.

We're keeping the kids in the party
room until we resolve the situation.

Apparently, this happens a lot.

The wall brings up issues for people.

Mainly divorc�es and people who've
recently lost a lot of weight.

Cake's good.

Hey, what's up?

Where were you?

I needed you.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I don't know.

I thought I had it all planned out.

I gave myself seven days.

I thought I would be better byow.

What, of course you're not going to
get over mr. Harris in seven days.

You're human, not an alarm clock.

You're right, matthew.

I'm not an alarm clock.

It'll take as long as it takes, and
then one day you'll feel better.

We've been through this before.

With richard, with melinda doolittle.

You always know what to say.

God, you're so smart, matthew.

You're going to be a great therapist.

Yeah, I don't know.

You're never going to leave me, are you?

What? Why are you saying that?

Because...

you're the only one who
cares if I make it to the top.

Really, you're always there for me.

And I'm so grateful.

I need a hug, matthew.

- I don't want to.
- No.

- Just...just...
- No.

Just give me a hug, please!

Just to feel you close to me.

Yeah, my therapist says we have
anvevey y timate relationship.

What?

Yeah, and that's why i can't have
any lasting relationships with woman.

- Don'T...
- What?

No, no.

I can't get off. I can't get off.

Cut the rope!

Christine?

I hope she's okay.

She wasn't answering her cell phone.

She wasn't at the gym
or the souplantation.

I don't know where else to look.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm here.

Just go on with your lives.

- Okay.
- See you.

Nono, no, wait! Wait, listen.

Matthew's therapist
thinks he should move out.

She says we have an
unhealthy relationship.

And why are you listening
to some stranger?

Because she's a doctor.

I always thought therapy was a crock.

I once had a therapist tell
me, because I was born by c-section,

I'm always looking for an easy way out.

Yeah, and I slept with
our marriage counselor.

Ah, see, there's two examples
of a therapist not helping.

Well, one.

I just, I've got to let him go if
it's the best thing for matthew.

Man, I'm going to miss him.

You're an idiot.

You really don't have compassion.

No, I don't get it.

First she lets a three-month
relationship with some guy level her,

and now you're going to let
matthew walk out of your life?

Yeah, you used to fight for things.

You had a lawyer on my ass for
two months over a can opener.

I want that can opener, Richard.

Over my dead body.

Don't push it, richard!

There's the fire.

Yeah. That's the woman I divorced.

You're right. I can't just give up.

Good girl.

Yeah. I'm going to get matthew back.

What are you doing?

Just give me a second.

That harness really did
a number on my crotch.

*********

And how did she take it?

Ah, okay, there you are.

She took it well.

- What are you doing?
- Looking for you.

You must be christine.

What are you doing?

I have something to
say to this therapist!

Would you like to sit down?

No, I would not.

You can't just spend one hour
with a guy and convince him that

the most important relationship
in his life is inappropriate.

I have a very strong, normal, healthy
relationship with my lover.

Uh, brother. Brother!

That's normal to mess
things up like that.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're doing.

You're doing the pause.

Well, guess what?

I can pause, too.

You know what your problem is?

U don't like how therapeutic
we are for each other.

Yeah. It's competition.

But we help each other.

For free, and for longer
than 50 minutes at a time.

What is the deal with 50 minutes?

I helped him survive our mother.

He helped me through my divorce.

I don't know where I would
be without matthew and my son.

And wine. And sleeping pills.

Hey, can you prescribe sleeping pills?

No, I actually can'T.

You can't even prescribe a pill.

But you can get him totoove out?

You know, you did come to that
conclusion awfully fast. You just met me.

It doesn't seem very professional
to make snap judgments like that.

Well, it's possible I underestimated
the value of your relationship.

Ya think?

Come on, matthew, let's get out of here.

You know, you're right.

Let's go home, mom.

- Did you just call me mom?
- I don't know.

I'd rather be your
lover than your mother.

I know. Me, too.

You know what? Maybe you
should finish up the...

Do I make an appointment with
you, or should I talk to the woman...

Out there.

Out there. Oh, yeah. I'll grab...perfect.