All language subtitles for George Carlin - What Am I Doing in New Jersey [eng]

Hey I got to go to Jersey.

Is there any way you
can get out of it?

No I don't think so.

I think it has something
to do with original sin.

Okay get in.

Sorry to do this to you.

Why are you going to
go to New Jersey?

I got to do a show.

What kind of show?

I'm a comedian.

42nd Street man.

You know why they
call it 42nd Street?

Why?

Cause that's about all
the amount of time

you'll want to spend
on it. 40-seconds.

But I kind of
like the signs.

Yeah they look great.

I saw a sign
here last week

I'd never seen before.

"On stage tonight,

continuous live adult,
nude, all male fucking."

Huh?

You know every time I go
through this well-used tunnel

I think of my ex-wife.

What do you mean 3
dollars for a round trip?

Nah, she's from Jersey.

Those people
know about sex.

They came up with those
names, Middlesex County,

Essex County,

Sussex County,

Point Pleasant,

Long Branch,

Cherry Hill,

Succasunna,

Fort Dix.

Jersey's not so bad.

A lot of yuppies
live out here.

Yeah?

Maybe if we're lucky
most of them will die.

Hey man it's getting late.

I hate to tell you this
but I think we're lost.

Lost in New Jersey.

Let's get out of here man.

Hey, here's a place.

Pull in over here.

I'll go in and
ask directions.

While you're in
there ask them about

what you think of man's
role in the universe.

Why?

I'm a cab driver, I
just want to know.

Excuse me, I got to
do a show near by

and I need directions,
can you help me?

Hey you're George Carlin.

Yeah.

We're just getting ready
to watch you on TV.

Oh great, but look can
any of you guys tell me

how to get to the
Park Theatre?

Just one more thing.

What do you think about
man's role in the universe?

Okay.

What'd they say?

They said keep
going straight

until you come to a turn.

No what'd they say

about man's role
in the universe?

Oh they said they needed
more time to think about it.

Okay here.
Thanks a lot man.

Appreciate it.

Hey you want to come
in and see the show?

No I think I'll go back
and watch it at Manny's.

Okay.

Just don't ask them
anything too deep.

Hello Union City,
New Jersey.

Hi everybody.

Thank you.

I'm Lloyd Lindsey Young.

I want to tell you right
now we got a wild night.

Heavy thunderstorms.

Heavy.

Heavy.

49 degrees in the breeze

and we're gonna
have a lot of fun.

Without any further ado

it gives me a great
deal of pleasure

to introduce a gentleman
who needs no introduction.

All right.

Hey there.

Is it going all right?

Thank you.

Thank you everybody.

Hello.

Hi ya.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Hi ya.

All right thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'd like to begin tonight

by thanking you
for being here

and thanking
everybody at Manny's

for helping us find
our way down here.

And I'd like to start.

Oh I'm sorry.

Okay.

Like to start with
a list of people

I can do without.

I think everybody
has a list like this.

This is my list of
people I can do without.

Guys in... guys in there
fifties named Skip.

Anyone who pays
for vaginal jelly

with an Exxon credit card.

An airline pilot

whose wearing two
different shoes.

A proctologist with
poor depth perception.

A pimp who drives
a Toyota Corolla.

A gynecologist
who wants my wife

to have 3 or 4 drinks
before the examination.

Guys with a lot of small
pins on their hats.

Anyone who mentions Jesus

more than 300 times in a
2-minute conversation.

A dentist with
blood in his hair.

Any woman whose hobby

is breastfeeding
zoo animals.

A funeral director
who says,

"Hope to see you folks
again real soon."

Girls who get drunk and
throw up at breakfast.

A man with only one lip.

A Boy Scout master
who owns a dildo shop.

People who actually know

the second verse to the
Star Spangled Banner.

Any lawyer who
refers to the police

as the federalez.

A cross-eyed nun

with a bullwhip and
a bottle of gin.

A brain surgeon with

"Born to Lose"
tattooed on his hands.

Guys who have their names

printed on their belts.

Couples whose
children's names

all start with
the same initial.

A man in a hospital
gown directing traffic.

A waitress with a
visible infection

on her serving hand.

People who have large
gums and small teeth.

Guys who wear the
same underwear

until it begins
to cut off

the circulation
to their feet.

And any man
whose arm hair

completely covers
his wristwatch.

Okay that's
enough of that.

That's enough of that.

Thank you.

All right.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

This a lively
group we have here

and a good sized
audience too.

I want to mention that
this is probably... I have...

I really haven't seen this
many people in one place

since they took the
group photographs

of all the criminals
and lawbreakers

in the Ronald Reagan
administration.

Yeah.

Yeah.

225 of them so far.

225 different people

in the Ronald Reagan
administration

have either quit, been
fired, been arrested,

indicted or convicted of
either breaking the law

or violating
the ethics code.

225 of them

and Edwin Meese alone...

Edwin Meese alone
has been investigated

by 3 separate
special prosecutors

and there's a fourth
one waiting for him

in Washington right now.

3 separate special
prosecutors have had to

look into the activities
of the attorney general.

And the attorney general

is the nation's leading
law enforcement officer.

See that's what you
got to remember

this is the Ronald
Reagan administration

were talking about.

These are the law
and order people.

These are the people who
are against street crime.

They want to put street
criminals in jail

to make life safer for
the business criminals.

There against street crime

...yeah...

there against street crime

providing that street
isn't Wall Street.

And the Supreme Court
decided about a year ago

that it's all right to
put people in jail now

if we just think they're
going to commit a crime.

It's called
preventive detention.

All you got to do now is

just think they're
going to commit a crime.

Well if we'd of known
this shit 7 or 8 years ago

we could have put
a bunch of these

republican motherfuckers
directly into prison.

Yeah.

Put them in the joint
where they belong

and we could have
saved the money

of putting these country club
pinheaded assholes on trial.

Another thing you've
got to remember

this is the
group of people

who are elected
with the help

of the moral majority.

Elected with the help
of the moral majority

and the Teamsters Union.

That's a good combination.

Organized religion
and organized crime

working together to help
build a better America.

Another thing,

keep in mind

these Reagan
people are the ones

that were going to get
government off our back.

Remember that?

That was the rhetoric
of the 1980 campaign.

We'll get government
off your backs

and out of your lives.

Yeah, but they still
want to tell you

what magazines
you can read

and they still
want to tell you

what rock lyrics
you can listen to

and they still want
to force your kids

to pray in school

and they still
want to tell you

what you can say
on the radio.

The FCC, the Federal
Communications Commission,

decided all by itself
that radio and television

were the only 2 parts
of American life

not protected by the
free speech provisions

of the First Amendment
to the Constitution.

I'd like to repeat
that because

it sounds vaguely
important.

The FCC, an appointed
body, not elected,

answerable only
to the president,

decided on its own that
radio and television

were the only 2 parts of
American life not protected

by the First Amendment
to the Constitution

why did they decide that?

Because they got a letter

from a minister
in Mississippi.

A Reverend Donald
Wildman in Mississippi

heard something on the
radio that he didn't like.

Well Reverend did
anyone ever tell you

there are 2 knobs
on the radio?

2 knobs on the radio.

Of course I'm
sure the Reverend

isn't that comfortable
with anything

that has 2 knobs on it.

But hey Reverend there
are 2 knobs on the radio.

One of them turns
the radio off

and the other one
changes the station.

Imagine that Reverend,

you can actually
change the station.

It's called
Freedom of Choice

and it's one of
the principles

this country was
founded upon.

Look it up in the
library Reverend

if you have any
of them left

when you finish
burning all the books.

And I don't know how
you feel about it

but I am getting
pretty sick and tired

of these fucking
church people.

I have just about had it

with these fucking church
people, all of them.

You know what I say

we ought to do with
these churches?

Tax them.

Tax these motherfuckers.

If they're so
interested in politics

and government policy
and public policy

let them pay their admission
price like everybody else.

Tax them.

Hey the Catholic
Church alone

could wipe out the
federal budget deficit.

If all you did
was tax them

on their real
estate holdings.

And speaking of real
estate holdings

let's get back
to Ronald Reagan

and his criminal gang.

When last we left them

they were going to get
government off our backs.

Yeah but when it
comes to abortion

they don't mind
government

being in a woman's
uterus do they?

Yeah backs are no good
but uterus' okay by them.

These people call
themselves right to lifers.

Don't you love that phrase

and don't you love the
way these kinds of people

pervert the
English language,

"Right to Lifers."

You realize that most
of the Right to Lifers

are in favor of
the death penalty

and they support the South
American Death Squads

and they're
against gun control

and they're against
nuclear weapons control.

When they say
right to life

their talking
about their right

to decide which people
should live or die.

So these right-wingers

you know...

so these Reagan people,

these right-wingers
in general,

these cryptofascists there
against homosexuality.

They're against
pornography.

They're against
sex education.

They're against abortion.

Yeah they're going to get
government off your back

but their going
to tell you

how to live your sex life
and let me ask you this.

How would they know
anything about it?

Have you ever taken a
look at those people?

No wonder there afraid
of their body's.

Take a look at them.

Doesn't it strike
you as mildly ironic

that most of the people
who are against abortion

are people you wouldn't want
to fuck in the first place?

Doesn't that strike
you a little strange?

Hey I'm the first one to
say it's a great country

but it's a
strange culture.

We got a strange culture.

This has got to be the
only country in the world

that could ever come up
with a disease like Bulimia.

Got to be the only
country in the world

where some people
have no food at all

and other people eat
a nourishing meal

and puke it up
intentionally.

This is a country

where tobacco kills
400,000 people a year

so they ban
artificial sweeteners

because a rat died.

Know what I mean?

This is a place where
gun store owners

are given a list of
stolen credit cards

but not a list of
criminals and maniacs.

And now they're thinking
about banning toy guns

and their going to keep
the fucking real ones!

This is a place
where alcohol

ruins more lives
than cancer

and everybody gets
upset when some athlete

gets hooked on cocaine.

You know Time
Magazine and Newsweek

they put cocaine
on the cover

but they put the
liquor advertisements

inside the magazine.

It's the old American
double standard you know,

say one thing do
something different.

And of course the
country is founded

on the double standard.

That's our history.

We were founded on a very
basic double standard.

This country was
founded by slave owners

who wanted to be free.

Am I right?

A group of slave owners

who wanted to be free

so they killed a lot
of white English people

in order to continue owning
their black African people

so they could wipe out the
rest of the red Indian people

and move west and steal
the rest of the land

from the brown
Mexican people,

give them a place
to take off

and drop their
nuclear weapons

on the yellow
Japanese people.

You know what the motto...

you know what the motto

of this country
ought to be?

You give us a color
we'll wipe it out.

You got it.

So anyway about 80 years

after the Constitution
is ratified...

80 years later... the
slaves are freed.

Not so you'd notice
it of course

just sort of on paper

and that was of course
during the Civil War.

Now there's another
phrase I dearly love.

That is a true oxymoron
if I've heard one.

Civil War.

Do you think any country

could really
have a Civil War?

Say pardon me.

I'm awfully sorry.

I'm awfully sorry.

Now of course
the Civil War

has been over for
about 120 years

but not so you'd
really notice it.

Cause we still
have these people

called Civil War Buffs.

People who thought it
was a really keen war.

And they studied the
battles carefully

and they try to improve
other strategies

and the tactics to
increase the body count,

in case we have to go
through it again sometime.

In fact some of
these people

actually get dressed up
in uniform once a year

and go out and refight
these battles.

You know what I say.

Use live
ammunition assholes

would you please?

You might just raise
the intelligence level

of the American gene pool.

But what do you expect?

Hey, come on,

this is a war like country

we come from that
northern European,

basically the northern
European genes,

the blue eyes.

Those blue eyes.

Boy everybody in the world

learned real
quick didn't they?

When those blue eyes
sail out of the north

you better nail everything
down motherfucker.

Nail it down.

Strap it down or
their grab it

if they can't take it
home they'll burn it.

If they can't burn
it they'll fuck it.

That's what
happened to us.

And it's a war
like country.

Come on I mean forget
foreign policy.

Even the domestic
rhetoric is war like.

Everything about
our domestic policy

invokes the
thought of war.

We don't like something
in this country

we declare war on it.

The war on poverty.

The war on drugs.

The war on crime.

The war on AIDS.

The war on cancer.

We got the only national
anthem that mentions

fucking rockets and bombs
in the goddamn thing.

You know what I mean?

All right.

Anyway you know.

Well that's enough
fantasy stuff

let's get back to
the real world.

Let's check on Manny's

and see how these
guys are doing.

You people all
right over there?

Everything cool?

It's just like a
Giant's game you know?

I think they've all been
drinking intravenously.

They don't have any
rectal drugs do they?

That's going to be a big
advance when we have that.

Soon as we have... then
you can hide them

and take them at the
same time you know?

We'll have to come
up with that.

Anyway.

Now we come to the practical
portion of our show.

This is the
practical stuff.

This is where I
actually give advice.

Little tips and hints
and suggestions

on things that'll help
the quality of life.

Little things you can put
to work almost immediately.

In fact, some of
you may be aware

of my more famous
tips from the past:

How to get rid of
counterfeit money.

Put it in the collection
plate at church.

See how often the simple
solution will elude us.

Here's one: How to
get out of jury duty.

Lots of people try
that don't they?

And they do.

A lot of them get out
of jury duty by lying.

You don't have to lie
tell the judge the truth.

Tell them you'll make
a terrific juror

because you can
spot guilty people

just like that.

Well today's suggestions
are a little different.

These are just
sort of hints

on things you can do

to keep other people
alert during the day

when you're out and
about your business.

Little ways to keep
people on their toes

cause people need that.

And I'm not talking about
your friend so much

it's just the
general public.

People need a
little sort of

a mental goose
during the day

to kind of bring them
back to reality you know?

There are an awful lot
of people walking around

not all there.

And I don't mean the
helpless or the homeless.

I don't mean people
who have been

kicked out of
Matawan without

you know their
medications and stuff;

I'm talking about
fuckers with jobs.

There are people walking
around with a kind of

[noise].

Kind of a neutral zone
around their heads.

Some people leave part
of their brains at home

when they come out
in the morning.

Hey some people
don't have that much

to bring out in
the first place.

So I say there are
little things you can do

to help keep other
people on their toes.

Did you ever try backing
out of a drive-in bank?

That's the kind
of thing I mean.

Or just walk up to
someone on the street

and say, Pardon me I
have nothing to say.

Someone asks you
what time it is say,

Well it's either 6:15
or Mickey has a hard on.

Yeah.

Now many of these
suggestions...

many of these suggestions,
which I'm offering,

are intended for use
on retail clerks

because retail clerks

seem to need special help.

[Noise]

Did you ever go
into a store

and realize immediately
that the clerk

is running on a
lean mixture?

The cheese fell off his
cracker a long time ago.

He's just a couple
of sandwiches

short of a picnic.

Here's one to try.

Go into a gift shop
and ask for your gift.

Well they never
seem to have mine.

I say, I saw your sign
I came in for my gift.

Save you the trouble of
looking all over for me.

Doesn't impress them

but it keeps them on
their goddamn toes.

Or else just go running

into any quiet
little store

on a Sunday
morning and say,

Are you open on Thursday?

They'll say yes.

Say, Thank you.

And run.

Let them figure it out.

It's not your concern.

Stand on line at the bank

for a really long time.

One of those new
kind of lines

they have at the bank.

The common feeder line.

Used to be every teller
had his own line,

not anymore.

Now you think you're
in fucking Disneyland.

Stand on line a long time.

When you finally get
up to the window

just ask for
change of a nickel.

They actually call other
tellers over to look at you.

Here's one.

Go into the photographer's
studio in your neighborhood

and ask the man if you can buy
the pictures of the other people.

Say how much for that
heavyset couple in the window?

Oh they will stare at you
a long time on that one.

In fact, they might even
back up several feet.

This one is my
current favorite.

Go into the dry cleaners
and ask the man

if he can remove the stains
from one pair of pants

and put them on
another pair of pants.

They ought to be
able to do that

for the same
amount of money.

While you're in
there ask them

if you can get pecker
tracks off a wedding gown.

That's the test of a
really quality dry cleaner.

Go into a laundry,
hand them your shirt

and tell them to
rotate the buttons.

Go into a gun store,

buy a gun and buy
some ammunition

then ask them if they
have any ski masks.

All right.

That's all right.

Go into a supermarket.

This is a good one
for the supermarket.

Get your shopping cart
in the supermarket

and fill it to the top.

I mean a huge
mound of groceries

and then go up to the line

and look for somebody
with one item

and ask them if you
can get ahead of them.

Do you mind?

I'm in a hurry.

I only have 1100 items.

Run into a bakery and say,

Can you bake a cake in
the shape of a penis?

They never know

they always have
to have a meeting.

Well I don't know.

Wait a minute now,
hold on just a second.

Could we have a
picture to go by?

Well no but I'll tell you what
I'm going do for you lady.

Helen?

Order more flour Helen.

Next time you're
at a wishing well,

doesn't happen often,

next time you're
at a wishing well

ask to see the manager.

Tell him you've been
coming there for 10 years

and none of your
wishes have come true.

Either you give
me my money back

or I'm shitting
in the well.

Here's one for the
baseball park.

Baseball Park.

You ever notice
at the ballgame

a lot of guys
bring a glove?

Fuck that bring a bat.

You see a foul
ball coming

hit back to them.

Hit back to them.

Yeah.

Then stand up and
wave at the pitcher.

They'll think
you're a fun fan.

They'll think it's
straightjacket night.

Did you ever notice
in some hotels

they give you a
little sewing kit?

You know what I do?

I sew the towels together.

Sew the sheets
to the drapes.

Let them know
you've been there.

Here's one for the guys.

This one is strictly
for the guys.

Go into a barbershop
tell the man

you want to get your
pubic hairs streaked.

Say, Nothing fancy
just frost my bush.

They'll be talking
about you for years.

The man who had
his bush hair

sectioned off with
aluminum foil.

As they try to find a way
to fit you under a dryer.

You'll be in the
Bush Hall of Fame.

Here's a good
one in the bar.

When you're
drinking in the bar.

You ever notice
in the bar

someone always
says to you,

Hey can I buy you a drink?

Say, no thanks but can I
have the money instead?

Tell him you're
saving up

to buy your own
goddamn bar.

Now there's one more
area of daily life,

which lends itself to
keeping people alert

and that is when
you're driving.

Certainly you'd agree

anyone behind the
wheel of a car

has lots of
opportunities

to keep people
on their toes.

And I don't mean just
blowing some guys head off

because he cut you off at
the red light or something

I'm talking about
subtle things

like putting your
car in low gear

and following pedestrians
into the mall.

There's been a
lot of talk,

as you know about this
violence on the highways.

People shooting each
other from their cars.

I don't believe too much

in that sort of
overt violence.

I like kind of a preventive
violence in my car.

Know what I have?

In the rear window of my
car I have one of those

diamond shaped yellow
signs that says,

Armed pit bull with
AIDS on board.

And I'll tell you

even the jackoffs
are leaving me alone.

Here's a little some fun
in the car driving along.

Somebody's driving
along next to you

in the next lane over there and you say,
Pull over!

Pull over!

Pull over!

Pull over!

He pulls over
you keep going.

Let him park a while
and think it over.

Hey it's certainly
none of your concern.

In fact you don't want
to have anything to do

with an asshole like that.

That man is liable
to kill someone.

Here's another little
practical joke for the driver.

When you're going
through the tollbooth

well not actually
through the booth itself.

Shit that would be a
big practical joke.

I mean when you're
going through

the little space in
between the booths.

When you get up there

and the guy sticks out
his hand bargain with him.

Try to get yourself
a better deal.

Tell him you heard it
was free Chevrolet Day.

Tell him it's a used road

and you're looking
for a discount.

Tell him you got
no more money

you spent it all
on pussy and beer.

That will wake him up

especially if
you're a woman.

Talking about tollbooths.

Talking about tollbooths
and paying you're way.

I grew up in this area

and I think anyone who's
driven in this area

would have to agree
with one thing,

New Jersey
deserves the title,

Toll Booth Capitol of the
United States of America.

Huh?

Oh yeah.

You know because you can't back
out of your driveway in New Jersey

without some smuck in
a hat wants 50 cents.

And I don't mind paying
tolls but every 27 feet?

Bullshit.

I'd like to give
them a blank check

when I enter New Jersey

and I'll sign
it when I leave

and let them fill it out.

You know what I mean?

Leave me out of it
for Christ's sakes.

You can't make any gas
mileage in New Jersey.

You're in a constant
state of slowing down.

By the time I get
to Pennsylvania

I need a fucking
brake job.

So I say let
them be honest.

Let them put it right
on the license plates

New Jersey, The
Toll Booth State.

What does it say now?

The Garden State?

Sure if you're growing
smoke stacks, yes!

Now don't get me wrong

I got nothing
against New Jersey.

I love the place.

I used to live right across
the river from Jersey

and I used to wave
to the people.

They couldn't see me
it's a mile and half,

but fuck'em I
waved anyway.

Why?

Because I'm a caring guy.

I like New Jersey.

I even have one of those
T-shirts you guys sell

it says, Kiss her
where it smells

take her to New Jersey.

So I'm a supporter you
can hear that in my voice.

Well I know you can't
please everyone that's true.

Well you see I mentioned
the license plates

because I'm interested
in what different states

put on their
license plates.

Different states choose
different little slogans

and I sort of keep
an eye on that.

Like Florida and
Georgia put the county

in case these people forget
where they live overnight.

Indiana says, "Wander."

Sure just get out

and get hit by a
fucking greyhound bus.

Pennsylvania went
cutesy the last time.

Pennsylvania's now says,

"You've got a friend
in Pennsylvania."

Well most of the people
who read these things

live in fucking
Pennsylvania!

Of course they have a
friend or 2 by now!

30 or 40 years you
meet someone you know?

I just... well.

The most dramatic
license plate of all

has to be New Hampshire's,

which says, Live
free or die!

Well I'm certainly not
going to move there.

I get just a little
nervous in any state

where they mention death

right on the
license plates.

On the other hand Idaho
says, Famous potatoes.

I guess those are the
two extremes in thought.

It would seem to me that
somewhere in between

'Live free or die'

and 'Famous potatoes'

the truth lies

probably it's a little
closer to famous potatoes.

But that's just one
fellow's opinion.

And as long as were
talking about things

that belong on the
back of the car,

things that are
there to be read,

let's check our
bumper stickers

before we go out driving.

Let's make sure we have enough
bumper stickers on the car.

You wouldn't want to
get out in traffic

and not have some
reading material

for the other drivers.

What on earth would
people ever do

at the red lights

if it weren't
for my handy

rear bumper mobile
library service?

And I have so many

I always have to check

to see which
ones are current.

Let's see what I
have on here today.

Kind of an intellectual
bumper sticker.

Honk if you're
horn is broken.

That ought to hold
the average American

for about a
mile and a half.

Here's a spiritual one.

I've found him.

I have Jesus in the trunk.

And of course my
favorite bumper sticker.

I'd rather be driving.

Usually the guy
who has that one

is wearing a
T-shirt that says,

Same shit different day.

What else do we see on
the backs of these cars?

I love my German shepherd.

I love your wife.

And of course a humorous
license plate frame.

You wouldn't want to
wonder too far from home

without a humorous
license plate frame.

Mine says,

My other car is a
piece of shit too

And let's not forget

the 3 most puke
inducing words

that man has
yet thought of,

baby on board.

I don't know what
valueless, soulless,

yuppie cock sucker
thought of that idea.

No idea who.

Baby on board.

Who gives a fuck?

I certainly don't.

You know what
these morons

are actually telling
us don't you?

I know you've
figured this out.

They're actually
saying to us,

we know you're a shitty
driver most of the time

but because our
child is near by

we expect you to straighten
up for a little while.

Fuck these people.

I run them into a
goddamn utility pole.

Right into a pole

huh?

Roll that car over.

Bounce that kid
around a little bit.

Let him grow up with a sense
of reality for Christ's sakes.

Life doesn't change
because you post a sign.

I'm supposed to alter
my driving habits

because some woman

forgot to put
her diaphragm in,

isn't that really nice?

Isn't that a real
treat for me?

Baby on board.

Child in car.

Don't tell me your
troubles lady.

Why don't you put
up an honest sign?

Asshole at the wheel!

Asshole at the wheel.

They don't sell many
of them do they?

No.

They give them away free
with Volvo's and Audi's.

God help us.

And Saab's.

Some of these
misfits buy Saab's.

We bought a Saab.

Well what'd you buy

a Swedish piece of
shit like that for?

It's a safe car.

These people think if
they buy a safe car

it excuses them for
the responsibility

of having to learn how to
drive the fucking things.

First you learn to drive

then you buy you're
goddamn safe car.

Well I get pissed.

Goddamn it I get pissed.

You know there's a lot...
there's a lot of shit

you have to put up with
when you're driving.

Like red lights.

When did this
bullshit start?

I only noticed them
about a month ago myself.

And I'll be
honest with you

I don't stop for
them anymore.

I did for about a
week didn't like it.

Fuck'em.

I'm gone.

I got no time
to sit there

jacking around
listening to the news.

You know my
motto in traffic,

cop didn't see it,
I didn't do it.

I'm gone.

Hey I haven't
hit anybody yet.

Haven't hit anybody.

I've had a few people
behind me hit each other

but hey.

That's not me
that's back there.

Me... I'm gone

and I'm getting a whole
lot better mileage.

Especially in town.

Goddamn them sidewalks
come in handy don't they?

But what are they going
to do if they catch me,

give me a ticket?

You know that's
the big fear

in some
people's lives.

Ain't this a bitch
might get a ticket.

You know how to handle a
ticket by now don't you?

You got to be firm
with the policeman.

Be firm with
that policeman.

Policemen
respect strength.

While he's writing
out the ticket

you got a flash him a
whole lot of bad looks.

Then when he's almost
finished writing

reach over and grab the
ticket out of his hand.

Tell him you're going to
check it over for mistakes.

Then when you're
finished reading it

crumble it up and throw
it at his feet and say,

Fuck you and
you're ticket too!

You asshole in a hat.

Can't you see I
have enough garbage

on the floor of
my car already

without another worthless
piece paper from the state?

I got 8 or 9 of
them fuckin' things

floating around in here.

Hey.

Don't I pay your salary?

They like that when you're
interested in the state budget.

You're a public servant;

get me a glass of water.

You pinheaded prick

you're holding me up Jack.

People are waiting
for me at a party.

I got a trunk
full of heroin

get the fuck out
of my way will ya?

Tell him it's your car.

Tell him it's your car

and you do what you
goddamn want with it.

Say I own this car.

My name is on
the pink slip.

I do what I what

and I own the highway too
that my taxes pay for that.

There both mine.

I own the highway
and I own the car.

I own everything
goddamn it.

He'll be glad to
hear that shit.

That's what they like,

people who know
their rights.

That way they don't have
to read them to you

on the way downtown

to the maximum
security penitentiary

where you'll spend
the rest of your life

with no
conjugal visits

except from some big guy
you don't want one from.

Well I get pissed
goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit
you have to put up with

when you're driving.

Like these
jogger assholes.

I've killed 3 of the
motherfuckers myself.

3.

I have killed 3
jogger assholes.

Out.

I'd have more... I'd
have a few more

but I don't
always kill them.

Sometimes I just toy
with them you know?

I pull up in my car and
with my right front tire

I pull a sneaker
off their heel.

Of course he can't
hear me coming

because he has
on his Walkman.

I'm wearing my
Walkman today.

I'm cutting the world out.

Bullshit you are asshole.

They think they're going
to live longer by jogging.

Not if they get near my
fucking machine they're not.

You're going away.

It's Michelin
on Nike time.

I don't know
which is worse,

the jogger assholes

or the bicycle
riding creeps.

These faggots on
their bicycles

and they got special
little hats you know.

They have special
little hats

to protect their
special little heads.

And they all try
to act grown up.

These bicycle people
try to act mature

because they
know basically

they're dealing
with a toy.

So they try to act grown
up by giving hand signals.

That makes them
feel adult.

They give hand signals.

He's going to tell me
where's he's going.

I'll tell you where
you're going;

you're going 30 feet
up in the fucking air

is where you're going.

Back on the sidewalk

with the rest
of the children.

Didn't you're
mother tell you

to keep your
toys in the yard.

Well I get pissed
goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit
you have to put up with

when you're driving.

Like the other cars.

Have you noticed
that hazard?

Thousands of these
other cars many of them

with people who have
licenses apparently

and they get you so
fucking pissed off.

Some of these people
in their cars

they get you so
fucking pissed off.

You get so fucking pissed
off you know what I mean?

Did you ever get so
fucking pissed off

that you forgot
where you're going?

Because you got
behind someone

who isn't going
anywhere either.

A man with no
destination at all.

And I say, Step
on all the pedals

maybe one of the means go!

Awe they get you pissed.

I don't know where they
come from but I believe...

I believe there's an
automotive harassment squad

that is notified when
I leave the house.

All right he's
leaving now.

Everyone in position.

And they're laying for
me all along my route.

Here's a guy making
a U-turn in reverse.

Here's a woman
backing out of a bush.

And each of them has
a special talent.

Each driver has one
thing he does for you.

First of all
there's the guy

whose turn signal has
been on since 1955.

Then there's his opposite.

That's the guy who doesn't
put his turn signal on

until he's
finished the turn.

He's going to tell
you where he was.

And there's the guy
behind you at night

who's bright's are on.

He has his bright's on
in case you want to read.

Well I just happen to have

a copy of Ivanhoe with me.

Oh don't they get
you pissed off?

Don't they just get
you so goddamned mad

sometimes when
you're out there.

Some of them especially.

Here's one you know.

Here's a feeling you'll
recognize immediately.

You ever been
behind somebody on

like a two lane
road or something,

somebody you
cannot get around,

you've been behind
them already

for like 18 minutes and
you want to get some where

and he's not moving all?

And did you ever
get so pissed off

that all you want to do
now is catch up with him

to see what the
fuck he looks like?

You know that feeling?

But I just want to see
this cock sucker's face.

Look he looks exactly
like I thought he would.

Constipated!

Cars to watch out for.

First cars,

any car where the driver
is also on the phone.

Technology has brought us

these self-important
twits.

You know if phones
were invisible

these guys
wouldn't own them.

The whole idea is for
you to see the phone

so you'll know
he's a busy guy.

I'm a busy guy.

He's reaching out that's
what he'd tell you.

I'm reaching out.

Well reach out
and jerk me off.

Cars to watch out for.

People who don't know
how wide there cars are.

Only been driving the
goddamn thing for 4 years.

Don't know where
it fits yet.

Well I don't know if
I can fit in there.

You could get the fucking
Romanian Army in there!

Car to watch out for.

Any car with more
than 3 people in it

wearing neck braces.

Cars where the
driver is also

conducting a personal
sightseeing tour

for the rest of
his passengers.

There's a lot of
this going on.

Hey lady.

Guys in vans.

I don't understand
these vans,

what's all the
extra space for?

They're never
hauling anything.

You want to haul
lumber rent a truck.

You want to get
laid go to motel

like an Evangelist
would for God's sakes.

Use you're
brains a little.

Then there's these people

who want you to
go ahead of them.

This courtesy bullshit
that's going around.

See I don't think
it's real courtesy

that's why I
don't like it.

It's a bogus.

It's a counterfeit
generosity.

Everybody wants
me to go first.

You go... go
ahead... please... go... go.

Even when I leave the
house in the morning

there's a guy
there at 7 a.m.

Waiting for me.

I'm waiting for
you come out

so you can go first...

go ahead... go on.

I think it's a
post-Vietnam

guilt syndrome
of some kind.

You know America
has lost its soul

so now it's going
to save its body.

It's like the fitness
craze in this country

well [noise] doesn't
work that way

you know what I mean?

Doesn't work that way

and I'm sitting
in the driveway.

I know I'm sitting
there, I'm stuck.

It looks like I'm stuck

but I'm not asking
for any help.

I'm not asking for
anything just sitting there

and some yo-yo,
some putts,

some, some world
class high-tech,

state-of-the-art yo-yo

who hasn't had a
generous thought

since St Swithin's Day

slams on his brakes,

kills 3 people
behind him

and doesn't
ask me to go,

tells me to go.

You, go!

Fuck you!

You go!

I like it here!

I come here all the time.

You go.

Then when he goes

crash into him.

And if he gets out
to complain say,

Hey you said to go.

All right that's enough of
that for the moment huh?

I've got to take
a breather.

Thank you.

I guess you
noticed tonight

while we've been
doing our show

we've also been
electing a pope.

And I... ever since I
was a little kid,

you know when you
elect a new pope

he chooses a new
name for himself

and ever since I
was a little kid

you know what
I was hoping?

I'm hoping that
someday

a pope will
choose the name

Corky.

I just want to see Pope
Corky the 23rd you know?

I think you'd have
to skip right to 23

to give him a little
creditability.

Some how Pope
Corky the 1 st

doesn't make it does it?

Names interest me.

As some of you will be
going out of here tonight

you might wind up in
some of these places

which names I haven't
yet figured out

who's in charge.

Single's bars.

Have you noticed
that single's bars

all seem to think
they have to have

cute little names
that end in 'S.'

Scamps, Tramps,
Chats, Rumors,

Cahoots, Bingles, Buckles,
Bangles, Jungles, Bongos.

I'd like to have a
singles bar and call it

Nipples and Dicks.

A little truth
in advertising.

The Sperm Club.

Snatch 'O Rama.

Frankie's Fuckery.

The Crotchiteria.

Café Vagina,
Open All Night.

Thank you all very much.

Have a good time.

Good night Kelly.

Good night Kelly.

See you all later.

Thank you appreciate it.