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All language subtitles for Sgt Bilko 1996 BluRay 10Bit 1080p DD+5 1 H265-d3g

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:01:04,010 --> 00:01:06,133 Brass! 3 00:01:11,642 --> 00:01:13,101 Livin' in the USA 4 00:01:13,227 --> 00:01:16,892 This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter. 5 00:01:17,064 --> 00:01:21,109 All personnel are invited to join Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool... 6 00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:24,105 ...for a demonstration of proper spark-plug maintenance... 7 00:01:24,238 --> 00:01:29,861 ...today at 0420, 0530 and 1455. 8 00:01:29,994 --> 00:01:34,287 Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455. 9 00:01:34,415 --> 00:01:36,372 - Did you win? - Nope. 10 00:01:42,589 --> 00:01:44,748 Private Wally Holbrook reporting for duty. 11 00:01:44,883 --> 00:01:46,675 - First assignment? - Yes. 12 00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:49,719 - Relax. Know where you're assigned? - Motor pool. 13 00:01:49,847 --> 00:01:52,053 - OK. Motor pool? - Yes, I... 14 00:01:52,182 --> 00:01:55,267 - You're going straight to the colonel. - Colonel? What'd I do? 15 00:01:56,562 --> 00:01:59,313 - How old are you, son? - Nineteen, sir. 16 00:01:59,439 --> 00:02:01,812 Nineteen... So young. 17 00:02:01,942 --> 00:02:04,729 I'm a first-rate mechanic. My two uncles owned a garage. 18 00:02:04,861 --> 00:02:06,190 - Got any money? - Yes, sir. 19 00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:07,602 - Give it to me. - But... 20 00:02:07,739 --> 00:02:09,696 It's all right. 21 00:02:14,204 --> 00:02:18,071 - My word, there must be $500 in here. - 700. See, I worked at my uncle's... 22 00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:21,577 You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks? 23 00:02:22,087 --> 00:02:25,207 - Yes, sir. Who, sir? - Give me your hat, please. 24 00:02:26,091 --> 00:02:30,171 Sergeant Bilko. Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko. 25 00:02:31,263 --> 00:02:34,596 - Well, good luck. And Godspeed. - Thank you, sir. 26 00:02:34,724 --> 00:02:38,389 Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help... 27 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,138 ...the old colonel's door is always open. - Thank you, sir. 28 00:02:42,816 --> 00:02:46,231 Sir? 29 00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:04,075 - I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko. - You're too late, junior, no more bets. 30 00:03:04,212 --> 00:03:07,877 - No, no, no. I'm reporting in. - Come on, Duane! Pull! 31 00:03:08,007 --> 00:03:10,676 Dig deep, baby! 32 00:03:14,055 --> 00:03:16,012 Come on! Come on! 33 00:03:16,933 --> 00:03:18,890 Come on! Come on! 34 00:03:42,708 --> 00:03:45,709 He's got the wrong shoes! Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes. 35 00:03:45,836 --> 00:03:49,252 He's got no traction. And this horse! 36 00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:53,842 This horse was not this lively this morning. I want it drug tested now! 37 00:03:53,969 --> 00:03:57,303 Someone, quick. Get a urine bottle and a mop. 38 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:05,929 Hey! What's goin' on? 39 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,482 It's Private Doberman. He's the one who looks sort of human. 40 00:04:11,612 --> 00:04:14,696 Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse." 41 00:04:14,823 --> 00:04:18,275 Some guy from company P overheard him and said "Yeah? For how much?" 42 00:04:18,410 --> 00:04:22,360 It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up. 43 00:04:22,497 --> 00:04:27,622 No, no, not across the line. Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back. 44 00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:47,688 - Are you OK, Duane? - Sarge, I can't do this any more! 45 00:04:47,814 --> 00:04:50,815 You did your best, Duane. What's money, anyway? 46 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:54,940 So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up. 47 00:04:58,241 --> 00:05:00,530 - Hurry up. - Oh, so now we're on a schedule? 48 00:05:00,785 --> 00:05:04,486 - Shall we go once more? - Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge. 49 00:05:04,622 --> 00:05:06,995 Don't worry. I won't put you through that again. 50 00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:11,039 - He's finished. He's a loser. - No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser. 51 00:05:11,171 --> 00:05:15,382 I oughta... Hold me back! Aah. No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him. 52 00:05:15,508 --> 00:05:18,711 - You wanna double the bet? - Double the bet? Ha! You're serious. 53 00:05:18,845 --> 00:05:21,881 - Sarge, no. - What's the matter, Ernie? Scared? 54 00:05:22,015 --> 00:05:25,099 Sarge, please. That's all the platoon's money-every cent. 55 00:05:25,226 --> 00:05:29,473 This is beyond money now. This is a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000. 56 00:05:29,856 --> 00:05:31,848 Sucker. 57 00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,355 Yeah! 58 00:05:34,861 --> 00:05:36,770 Hey, you can't do that, man. 59 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,568 - Ready, Duane? - Sure, Sarge. 60 00:05:39,699 --> 00:05:42,450 See? He was just rollin' up the bet. 61 00:05:44,036 --> 00:05:45,828 He's like a god. 62 00:05:59,135 --> 00:06:01,460 Duane! Duane! Duane! 63 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:06,341 Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! 64 00:06:28,414 --> 00:06:30,490 Yeah! Yeah! 65 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:38,371 Walk him around and wipe him down. 66 00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:41,833 Not the horse! Doberman. 67 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,006 Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle is property of the US Army. 68 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,801 I want it back on the post by tonight. We have rules! Rules and regulations. 69 00:06:53,563 --> 00:06:56,019 I have your rental agreement right here. 70 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:59,601 And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit. 71 00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:02,607 Teenagers! So irresponsible. 72 00:07:02,739 --> 00:07:05,693 - Sarge, you said I could count the take. - She got to count it last time. 73 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,862 Will you stop fighting? It's like I'm running a daycare centre. 74 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:12,660 Actually, that's not a bad idea. We could keep 'em in the storeroom. 75 00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:16,954 - Luis, how many kids on the post? - Personal dependants under five? 76 00:07:17,087 --> 00:07:20,004 - 293. - Get me the total of their allowances. 77 00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:23,335 - Hey, in the storeroom? Kids? - Zimmy, they won't die. 78 00:07:23,468 --> 00:07:26,504 In fact, that'll be our motto: "They won't die." 79 00:07:26,638 --> 00:07:30,636 I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm. 80 00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:34,515 Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T, reporting in for duty, Sergeant! 81 00:07:34,646 --> 00:07:36,638 Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror. 82 00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:39,442 First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance. 83 00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:41,809 A real live wrench-turner in the motor pool? 84 00:07:41,945 --> 00:07:46,488 It's so crazy, it just might work. I'll introduce you to the boys and girls. 85 00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:48,988 What's the matter, Sarge? 86 00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:52,072 Don't you smell it? It's money. 87 00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:59,038 This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella. You'll see them about dances, raffles. 88 00:07:59,170 --> 00:08:01,875 You'll get your tickets through them. They run the shop. 89 00:08:02,006 --> 00:08:05,956 So if you need stationery, magazines... But not magazine subscriptions. 90 00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,753 See Morales about that. Towels... 91 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:11,967 - Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels? - Army? Get him a set of towels. 92 00:08:12,099 --> 00:08:15,551 The fluffy ones. The introductory price. Come on. 93 00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:18,225 Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. 94 00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,148 This is Dino Paparelli. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry. 95 00:08:23,277 --> 00:08:25,649 You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian. 96 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:28,734 - Hiya. - Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple: 97 00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,363 ..."An indictment is not a conviction." - Damn straight. 98 00:08:31,494 --> 00:08:34,245 That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman. 99 00:08:34,371 --> 00:08:37,871 Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality. 100 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,206 - Hello. - Luis Clemente. 101 00:08:40,461 --> 00:08:43,130 This guy is smart, very smart. He has an IQ. 102 00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:46,126 - Hello. - See what I mean? 103 00:08:46,258 --> 00:08:49,045 Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about him... 104 00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:52,132 ...is he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror. 105 00:08:52,264 --> 00:08:57,140 Finally, the man of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe - 106 00:08:57,269 --> 00:09:01,896 ...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - Private Duane Doberman! 107 00:09:02,024 --> 00:09:03,103 Aw, Sarge. 108 00:09:03,233 --> 00:09:08,191 Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason. 109 00:09:09,156 --> 00:09:11,861 My orders, Sergeant. 110 00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:15,195 Everything seems to be in order. Henshaw will take your bags. 111 00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:17,286 Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence? 112 00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:19,739 - A driver's licence? - We can make one up. 113 00:09:19,875 --> 00:09:23,457 - Henshaw, get the camera! - No, no. I have a licence. It's right here. 114 00:09:23,587 --> 00:09:25,959 My wallet. 115 00:09:26,089 --> 00:09:29,505 Oh, here it is. Empty. It's in your hat, isn't it? 116 00:09:30,052 --> 00:09:36,553 Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six... no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good. 117 00:09:37,225 --> 00:09:39,716 Well, you can start with this. The colonel's car. 118 00:09:39,853 --> 00:09:42,474 - OK, what's wrong with it? - It's the odometer. 119 00:09:42,606 --> 00:09:46,140 It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles. 120 00:09:46,276 --> 00:09:49,976 Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe to go to his grandmother's funeral. 121 00:09:50,113 --> 00:09:52,569 - I'm sorry. - When I say that... 122 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:57,983 ...I mean "visit his niece". And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend? 123 00:09:58,955 --> 00:10:02,122 Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye. 124 00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:05,619 - You want me to turn that back? - Yes. 125 00:10:05,962 --> 00:10:09,497 - I can't do that, Sergeant. - "Can't"! He said "can't"! 126 00:10:09,632 --> 00:10:11,839 Sarge, are you all right? 127 00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:15,218 Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon. 128 00:10:15,346 --> 00:10:17,920 I cannot violate regulations, unless it's an order... 129 00:10:18,057 --> 00:10:22,185 ...in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order. 130 00:10:22,312 --> 00:10:25,645 I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour. We're all like family here. 131 00:10:25,773 --> 00:10:27,849 Any one of these men would take a bullet for you. 132 00:10:27,984 --> 00:10:31,981 - Well, not in the chest. - No, not in the chest, but in the thigh. 133 00:10:32,113 --> 00:10:36,656 - Permission to speak freely? - What, are we in Russia? Say anything. 134 00:10:36,784 --> 00:10:39,275 You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom. 135 00:10:39,412 --> 00:10:44,702 And frankly, I don't think there's a man here taking his service oath seriously. 136 00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:47,585 You know what? I'm gonna kill him. 137 00:10:47,712 --> 00:10:49,087 Fender! 138 00:10:54,176 --> 00:10:57,343 Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army. 139 00:10:57,471 --> 00:11:00,093 - They are. - No kidding? 140 00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:08,142 Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool. 141 00:11:12,695 --> 00:11:16,111 Ridin' along in my automobile 142 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,647 My baby beside me at the wheel 143 00:11:19,994 --> 00:11:22,070 I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 144 00:11:22,496 --> 00:11:23,611 Brass! 145 00:11:23,747 --> 00:11:27,282 My curiosity runnin' wild 146 00:11:27,418 --> 00:11:30,952 Cruisin' and playin' the radio 147 00:11:31,088 --> 00:11:34,373 With no particular place to go 148 00:11:34,842 --> 00:11:37,379 Ridin' along in my automobile 149 00:11:38,554 --> 00:11:40,879 I was anxious to tell her the way I feel 150 00:11:42,224 --> 00:11:44,976 So I told her softly and sincere 151 00:11:45,936 --> 00:11:48,723 And she leaned and whispered in my ear 152 00:11:49,815 --> 00:11:52,769 Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow 153 00:11:53,610 --> 00:11:54,689 With no particular place to go 154 00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:58,235 - Sarge, where can we hide the horse? - What horse? 155 00:12:02,994 --> 00:12:06,410 All right, men! Faster. The army needs these vehicles. 156 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:12,417 Bilko? 157 00:12:15,382 --> 00:12:17,125 Sergeant. 158 00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:19,168 Sergeant Bilko! 159 00:12:19,302 --> 00:12:23,051 Fall in, men, now! And get into a semicircle or a rectangle, now! 160 00:12:23,181 --> 00:12:25,138 Hut! Hey! 161 00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:38,106 Very good. As you were. 162 00:12:38,988 --> 00:12:40,862 He means go back to what you were doing. 163 00:12:40,990 --> 00:12:44,406 Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir. Have you lost weight? 164 00:12:44,535 --> 00:12:46,824 Why, a couple of pounds maybe. 165 00:12:47,497 --> 00:12:49,454 Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies". 166 00:12:49,582 --> 00:12:52,832 - Ah. - Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car. 167 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,582 Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir. 168 00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:59,462 - You've had it a week and a half. - I thought I saw it on Interstate 30. 169 00:12:59,592 --> 00:13:02,759 There. Thank God I have a witness. Thank you, Captain Moon. 170 00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:05,722 And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles. 171 00:13:05,848 --> 00:13:07,841 What is that? 172 00:13:07,975 --> 00:13:11,261 That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive..." 173 00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:14,100 - What's it doing there? - It keeps the flies off the food. 174 00:13:14,231 --> 00:13:17,019 There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine... 175 00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:19,108 - Off the food? - It's an experiment. 176 00:13:19,236 --> 00:13:21,229 I'd say the results are mixed. 177 00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:30,325 It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir. 178 00:13:30,456 --> 00:13:32,662 And fresher too. 179 00:13:32,791 --> 00:13:35,365 Bilko, are you mental? This is not the horse cavalry. 180 00:13:35,502 --> 00:13:38,788 - You can't bring livestock onto the post. - You're right, sir. 181 00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:42,588 You heard the colonel. Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here! 182 00:13:42,718 --> 00:13:47,261 - All right, double-time, soldier. - Sergeant, please, tell me about my car. 183 00:13:48,223 --> 00:13:50,382 - Do you know anything about cars, sir? - No. 184 00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:55,013 Ah. Well, you see that sort of pointy thing right there? 185 00:13:55,147 --> 00:13:59,394 It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots. 186 00:13:59,526 --> 00:14:02,978 - You see, when Henry Ford first... - Colonel Hall. 187 00:14:04,031 --> 00:14:06,818 - Corporal, what is it? - Permission to speak privately? 188 00:14:06,950 --> 00:14:09,239 - Of course. Excuse me, Bilko. - Absolutely. 189 00:14:09,369 --> 00:14:11,907 - What is it, Corporal? - The Pentagon called. 190 00:14:12,039 --> 00:14:14,993 The Pentagon? How did they get my number? 191 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:18,909 They're sending a team to observe tomorrow's hovertank test. 192 00:14:19,087 --> 00:14:24,378 - Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah. - What is it, sir? 193 00:14:24,509 --> 00:14:27,676 Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately. 194 00:14:27,804 --> 00:14:30,093 What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter? 195 00:14:30,223 --> 00:14:33,058 - Do you know anything about this? - You flatter me. 196 00:14:33,185 --> 00:14:38,143 - How could l, a mere master sergeant...? - You know everything before I do. 197 00:14:38,273 --> 00:14:42,816 I'm sure it's just routine, sir. Anyway, come back any time. Call first. 198 00:14:43,403 --> 00:14:47,068 I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall... 199 00:14:47,198 --> 00:14:48,990 - He's gone. - I'm hungry. What time is it? 200 00:14:49,117 --> 00:14:51,156 12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese. 201 00:14:51,411 --> 00:14:55,029 - Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it. - Relax. It's just army stuff. 202 00:14:55,165 --> 00:14:57,323 It's got nothing to do with us. 203 00:14:58,001 --> 00:15:00,289 - Did you say 12 o'clock? - Yeah. 204 00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:02,708 - Today's Saturday? - All day. 205 00:15:02,839 --> 00:15:08,343 Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere. 206 00:15:10,263 --> 00:15:11,425 Hmm. 207 00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:15,598 I'll kill him. 208 00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:26,816 - Poker game? - No, no. 209 00:15:27,238 --> 00:15:30,737 - Racetrack. - No, no. It was something else. 210 00:15:35,496 --> 00:15:38,117 My, that's a lovely dress. 211 00:15:38,249 --> 00:15:40,491 - Thank you, Reverend. - Is it new? 212 00:15:40,626 --> 00:15:44,327 No, I wore it the last time the lying shit-heel stood me up. 213 00:15:44,463 --> 00:15:45,626 Ah. 214 00:16:07,903 --> 00:16:10,477 Give me the ring. You were the best man last time. 215 00:16:10,614 --> 00:16:13,568 - He didn't get married last time! - It's my turn! 216 00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:17,449 - How you gonna be best man? - Just give me the ring! 217 00:16:20,707 --> 00:16:24,491 - But you can't hate him, you know? - I can hate him. I hate him right now. 218 00:16:24,628 --> 00:16:26,585 Sweetheart... 219 00:16:27,798 --> 00:16:30,467 Where are you going? Nobody leave. 220 00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:35,835 You came to see me get married. You're going to - I don't particularly care who to. 221 00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:39,556 Sweetheart! I know you're upset... 222 00:16:39,685 --> 00:16:42,472 Daddy, stay out of this. I know what I'm doing. 223 00:16:43,397 --> 00:16:44,891 - Nelson. - Huh? 224 00:16:45,023 --> 00:16:47,977 Are you busy? Will you marry me? I love you. 225 00:16:48,110 --> 00:16:50,482 I just never realised it until now. 226 00:16:51,530 --> 00:16:56,275 Well, the thing is, Rita, I'm engaged... to your sister. 227 00:16:57,536 --> 00:16:59,493 And? 228 00:17:14,094 --> 00:17:16,667 Don't ask. Don't even ask. 229 00:17:19,265 --> 00:17:20,843 OK, ask. 230 00:17:21,184 --> 00:17:23,556 Bunny face, you won't believe what happened. 231 00:17:23,686 --> 00:17:28,929 There was this busload of sweet geriatrics. They went rolling down a mountain side... 232 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,106 Do you think I'm an idiot? 233 00:17:31,569 --> 00:17:36,564 Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life. Wally? 234 00:17:38,451 --> 00:17:40,159 See? 235 00:17:40,286 --> 00:17:42,575 Sweetheart, sweetheart... 236 00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:45,243 Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting! 237 00:17:45,375 --> 00:17:49,668 - You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout. - It was full an hour ago. 238 00:17:49,796 --> 00:17:53,081 Oh, sweetie, I... I'm well! 239 00:17:53,758 --> 00:17:55,881 Sweetie, what can I do to make it up to you? 240 00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:58,252 Whaddaya want? Just tell me. I'll do anything. 241 00:17:58,387 --> 00:18:00,546 I've been waiting for seven years. 242 00:18:00,806 --> 00:18:05,184 What do I want? I want my seven years back. I can't live like this, Ernie. 243 00:18:05,394 --> 00:18:08,146 I've got a maid of honour on call 24 hours a day. 244 00:18:08,272 --> 00:18:12,601 And I'm the only woman with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear. 245 00:18:13,361 --> 00:18:16,397 - I'm sorry. - I think you love me, Ernie. 246 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:20,658 But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking. 247 00:18:20,785 --> 00:18:22,694 Well, thank you. 248 00:18:22,828 --> 00:18:26,244 I don't understand what you're so afraid of. 249 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,078 You know what I wanna do right here, right now? 250 00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,167 No. Don't. 251 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,705 No. No, not this time. 252 00:18:37,593 --> 00:18:40,344 - Don't, please. - One game, to 500. 253 00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:44,386 Don't. Please don't. 254 00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,592 Spade. It's a double. 255 00:18:49,146 --> 00:18:51,269 Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point. 256 00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,562 - A four? - Yes. 257 00:18:55,777 --> 00:18:58,862 Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go. 258 00:19:07,789 --> 00:19:09,746 What's up? 259 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:15,163 Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church. 260 00:19:15,297 --> 00:19:17,966 She's a nice girl. We don't like the way you treat her. 261 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:20,547 He's right, Sarge. You treat her like a rube. 262 00:19:20,677 --> 00:19:23,880 - Wouldn't you be happier in the navy? - You jilted that girl. 263 00:19:24,014 --> 00:19:26,302 She'll probably have to move to another town. 264 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,137 Will you relax? Rita and I have a special relationship. 265 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:32,305 You think she expected me to marry her today? Of course not. 266 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:35,226 She expected me to do just what I did. It's a game. 267 00:19:35,483 --> 00:19:37,855 Someday you might lose that game, Ernie. 268 00:20:00,592 --> 00:20:03,427 Very good, men. Make sure it's tight. 269 00:20:03,928 --> 00:20:06,597 - Tight? - Whatever. 270 00:20:06,723 --> 00:20:09,842 So, Major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day. 271 00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:13,475 - How's she look? - I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir. 272 00:20:13,896 --> 00:20:15,604 What's supposed to happen? 273 00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:19,350 Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm... 274 00:20:20,069 --> 00:20:25,408 ...the hovertank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond. 275 00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:29,447 - Good. Very good. - Yeah. Then it will engage the targets... 276 00:20:29,578 --> 00:20:33,197 ...the... the cannon. Boom. The ammunition dump. Kaboom. 277 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,574 That truck. Boom. 278 00:20:35,710 --> 00:20:39,838 Excellent. One thought. - Boom, boom... 279 00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:41,755 ...then kaboom. 280 00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:47,178 You know, save that "kaboom" for the very last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale. 281 00:20:47,304 --> 00:20:49,214 What do you think? 282 00:20:50,891 --> 00:20:53,726 - I'll make a note of it, sir. - Good. 283 00:20:55,563 --> 00:20:58,433 - Missed me. Now run! - Ow! 284 00:20:58,565 --> 00:21:01,056 - Yeah. Gotcha. - Hey, there goes the sarge, man. 285 00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,150 Sarge! 286 00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:06,898 - Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go. - Sarge, you get married yet? 287 00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:10,152 - Not yet. - How did Rita take it this time? 288 00:21:10,285 --> 00:21:12,444 Oh, she's happy. She took 40 bucks off me in a gin game. 289 00:21:12,579 --> 00:21:13,824 Oh, she's great! 290 00:21:13,956 --> 00:21:17,455 Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the "Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue? 291 00:21:17,584 --> 00:21:19,624 - It's a sellout, Sarge. - Find a lookalike? 292 00:21:19,753 --> 00:21:21,544 - We found one. - Ahh. 293 00:21:21,672 --> 00:21:24,756 No wonder they call me a master sergeant. 294 00:21:25,592 --> 00:21:27,834 You know, things weren't always this good. 295 00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:32,216 When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, I considered it my responsibility... 296 00:21:32,349 --> 00:21:37,141 ...to provide the hardworking men and women with some wholesome recreation. 297 00:21:38,438 --> 00:21:41,688 - You ran the gambling. - That's right, Fender. 298 00:21:41,817 --> 00:21:46,110 But there was this lieutenant there - Lieutenant Colin Thorn. 299 00:21:48,031 --> 00:21:53,191 A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on the outside, but underneath, barbed wire. 300 00:21:53,328 --> 00:21:55,237 He rode me like a jockey. 301 00:21:55,372 --> 00:21:58,242 Pools, raffles, card games - I couldn't do anything. 302 00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:00,782 It was like being in the army. 303 00:22:01,836 --> 00:22:04,623 All right, come on, baby. Let's go! 304 00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:08,796 Hi. 305 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:12,843 Finally, I got a break. They held the division boxing finals at our post. 306 00:22:12,972 --> 00:22:15,843 You couldn't stop people from betting on it. 307 00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:19,684 It was a toss-up. Now, to me, that's just sloppy. 308 00:22:19,854 --> 00:22:24,267 I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome beforehand. It's more organised. 309 00:22:31,783 --> 00:22:35,199 I get to one of the pugilists and we reach a business accommodation. 310 00:22:35,328 --> 00:22:37,285 For a 50-50 split of our winnings... 311 00:22:37,413 --> 00:22:40,948 ...he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle. 312 00:22:41,083 --> 00:22:44,535 - You paid him to take a dive. - 0f course. 313 00:22:46,214 --> 00:22:49,131 I had this corporal working for me - Leo Cletz. 314 00:22:59,894 --> 00:23:02,978 The night of the fight, I give him the money to pay off my fighter. 315 00:23:03,105 --> 00:23:06,854 Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter. 316 00:23:09,487 --> 00:23:14,314 This fighter's surprised, but figures "What the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down." 317 00:23:14,450 --> 00:23:17,783 Meanwhile, my guy figures "Bilko meant I'll get the money later." 318 00:23:17,912 --> 00:23:21,612 - "No problem. I'll go down anyway." - So both think they're takin' a dive? 319 00:23:21,749 --> 00:23:24,287 - Exactly. - What happened? 320 00:23:24,418 --> 00:23:25,449 Boxing history. 321 00:23:50,319 --> 00:23:54,399 For three rounds, nobody hit anybody. It was a dance recital. 322 00:24:11,965 --> 00:24:16,793 Finally, I think out of boredom, one of the guys connected with a right. 323 00:24:20,473 --> 00:24:22,596 What the hell's goin' on here? 324 00:24:24,603 --> 00:24:27,390 Lieutenant Thorn took it as a personal insult. 325 00:24:27,522 --> 00:24:30,558 - You OK? Did it hurt? - Very cute. 326 00:24:39,617 --> 00:24:42,737 It looked like Thorn was paying off the fighter. 327 00:24:43,538 --> 00:24:45,162 He was cooked. 328 00:24:45,290 --> 00:24:49,583 They didn't have enough evidence for a court martial, but sent him to Greenland. 329 00:24:55,258 --> 00:24:58,259 Game, set and match - Bilko. 330 00:24:59,303 --> 00:25:01,711 - Some story, huh? - Permission to speak freely? 331 00:25:01,848 --> 00:25:05,845 - Again, permission. OK. - You dealt with him very dishonestly. 332 00:25:06,185 --> 00:25:08,510 Never mind that. What happened to him? Thorn. 333 00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:12,389 I don't know. I don't know what happened to him. 334 00:25:30,459 --> 00:25:35,536 Colonel John Hall, garrison commander. Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major. 335 00:26:00,948 --> 00:26:03,154 Doberman! Wake up! 336 00:26:38,902 --> 00:26:41,191 Come on, everyone! Up and at 'em! 337 00:26:43,782 --> 00:26:47,317 Come on, guys, let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day. 338 00:26:47,452 --> 00:26:48,946 Hey! 339 00:26:50,205 --> 00:26:53,408 - Get outta here! - I'll get the sarge! 340 00:26:53,541 --> 00:26:55,783 That's it. Now you guys gonna be in trouble. 341 00:27:04,094 --> 00:27:06,086 - Hey, Sarge! Get up. - What's the matter? 342 00:27:06,221 --> 00:27:10,717 Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations and... 343 00:27:12,143 --> 00:27:13,637 What's that music? 344 00:27:26,157 --> 00:27:29,989 I understand, Major, this weapon system is in the experimental stage. 345 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:33,654 But I think you'll be very impressed with the... noise it produces. 346 00:27:33,790 --> 00:27:36,625 It's a powerful piece of equipment. 347 00:27:36,751 --> 00:27:40,286 Colonel, I really urge you not to go ahead with this. 348 00:27:40,421 --> 00:27:43,256 Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn. 349 00:27:43,382 --> 00:27:46,253 Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hovertank. 350 00:27:46,385 --> 00:27:48,592 He's the one really responsible. 351 00:27:50,389 --> 00:27:52,714 - Thank you, sir. - Can we get on with this? 352 00:27:52,850 --> 00:27:55,222 Of course. You good to go? 353 00:27:55,353 --> 00:27:57,725 All right. Let's light this candle. 354 00:27:58,898 --> 00:28:00,855 Hoo-ah! 355 00:28:01,692 --> 00:28:07,446 You know, with all the base closings and downsizing, people here have been jumpy. 356 00:28:07,573 --> 00:28:09,530 Ready, Colonel. 357 00:28:10,034 --> 00:28:12,406 This is exciting. 358 00:28:24,298 --> 00:28:26,587 OK, start her up. 359 00:28:46,403 --> 00:28:48,312 It still needs work. 360 00:29:08,049 --> 00:29:09,757 Fire. 361 00:29:14,764 --> 00:29:16,757 Of course. 362 00:29:18,893 --> 00:29:20,767 Get out! Watch out! 363 00:29:51,092 --> 00:29:54,840 Let's go, campers! It's 10 a.m. Time to start the day. 364 00:29:57,348 --> 00:29:59,673 - Mornin', Sarge. - It's that time of the decade. 365 00:29:59,809 --> 00:30:01,718 - You're taking a shower. - Do I have to? 366 00:30:01,853 --> 00:30:05,981 Everyone feels pretty strongly about it. Here's the petition. 367 00:30:07,108 --> 00:30:09,184 Aw, Sarge. 368 00:30:11,612 --> 00:30:14,399 Why are you sitting there? You were full of energy at 6 a.m. 369 00:30:14,532 --> 00:30:16,405 I don't think the guys like me. 370 00:30:16,534 --> 00:30:19,903 - Oh? What makes you say that? - They wrote me a note. 371 00:30:20,037 --> 00:30:23,122 "Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it. 372 00:30:25,876 --> 00:30:29,625 - Yeah, that's Doberman's "X". - Can I please have another roommate? 373 00:30:29,755 --> 00:30:31,712 - Why, what's the matter? - He wet his bed. 374 00:30:31,841 --> 00:30:35,506 - Oh, well, once in a while. - No. He did it from across the room. 375 00:30:39,056 --> 00:30:41,843 Major, please! At least won't you stay for lunch? 376 00:30:41,976 --> 00:30:44,431 - Do you like chicken casserole? - No. 377 00:30:44,561 --> 00:30:47,017 Well, Major, let me be frank. 378 00:30:47,147 --> 00:30:50,682 A negative report from you would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. 379 00:30:50,818 --> 00:30:54,234 - We've been in a slump... - Nine years without a successful test? 380 00:30:54,363 --> 00:30:56,569 That's not a slump, that's a tradition. 381 00:30:56,698 --> 00:31:00,743 But, Major, think for a minute about the men, their careers. 382 00:31:00,869 --> 00:31:03,574 - My career. - Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. 383 00:31:03,705 --> 00:31:06,457 This isn't the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS. 384 00:31:06,583 --> 00:31:09,288 Shining a seat with my ass in DC, visiting dumpy posts. 385 00:31:09,419 --> 00:31:11,910 I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe a general. 386 00:31:12,047 --> 00:31:16,092 Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning. 387 00:31:16,218 --> 00:31:20,844 Wait! There's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. 388 00:31:20,972 --> 00:31:24,009 - We have an award-winning commissary. - Try the casserole. 389 00:31:24,142 --> 00:31:26,467 And our softball team won the division title. 390 00:31:26,603 --> 00:31:29,355 And Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals. 391 00:31:29,481 --> 00:31:31,639 I'll certainly keep that in mind. 392 00:31:40,283 --> 00:31:42,157 Did you say Bilko? 393 00:31:43,495 --> 00:31:45,368 Yeah. 394 00:31:45,497 --> 00:31:47,738 Is that Ernie Bilko? 395 00:31:48,875 --> 00:31:51,033 One and the same. 396 00:31:52,003 --> 00:31:54,079 Maybe I will stay for lunch. 397 00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:57,796 Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that chicken casserole, Captain Moon! 398 00:31:57,926 --> 00:31:59,799 Yes, sir! 399 00:32:14,025 --> 00:32:16,432 Now, where did that one go? 400 00:32:30,541 --> 00:32:33,459 - Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge! - Well, fix it. 401 00:32:33,586 --> 00:32:36,587 - Sarge, they let you do this? - I never asked. They'd say no. 402 00:32:36,714 --> 00:32:38,173 It is an army post. 403 00:32:45,890 --> 00:32:48,926 All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot. 404 00:32:49,143 --> 00:32:52,594 - $20 says I can hit the parking lot. - I don't gamble. 405 00:32:53,355 --> 00:32:55,681 - What is it you do do? - Permission to speak... 406 00:32:55,816 --> 00:32:57,476 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. 407 00:32:57,610 --> 00:33:01,310 I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life. 408 00:33:01,447 --> 00:33:05,575 Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill? 409 00:33:05,701 --> 00:33:07,528 Bilko! 410 00:33:07,661 --> 00:33:09,239 It can't be. 411 00:33:10,289 --> 00:33:12,531 Lieutenant Thorn. 412 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,294 - Actually, it's Major Thorn now. - Well, congratulations. 413 00:33:19,006 --> 00:33:22,956 I didn't know you were still in the service. I'd have looked you up long ago. 414 00:33:23,093 --> 00:33:24,007 I'll bet. 415 00:33:24,136 --> 00:33:28,180 Tell me, Colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix? 416 00:33:28,307 --> 00:33:31,177 - That's one way of putting it. - You changed my life. 417 00:33:31,310 --> 00:33:33,883 Remember that little boxing match? 418 00:33:34,229 --> 00:33:36,222 Boxing match... Hmm. 419 00:33:36,356 --> 00:33:40,354 That made me a new man. You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be? 420 00:33:40,485 --> 00:33:43,403 Thanks to him, I realised you can't treat people that way. 421 00:33:43,530 --> 00:33:45,986 I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie. 422 00:33:46,116 --> 00:33:47,694 Sure. 423 00:33:49,536 --> 00:33:51,279 - What was that? - Greyhounds, sir. 424 00:33:51,413 --> 00:33:53,986 - How long will you be with us, Major? - Not long. 425 00:33:54,124 --> 00:33:56,615 Colonel, what do you say we have that casserole? 426 00:33:56,751 --> 00:33:59,622 Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well. 427 00:33:59,754 --> 00:34:01,712 Ha. 428 00:34:03,466 --> 00:34:08,508 Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything-dances, raffles, everything. 429 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,319 God, I forgot it's the play-offs! 430 00:34:35,081 --> 00:34:37,654 Sarge! Here's the money from the blade rentals. 431 00:34:37,792 --> 00:34:41,410 Stop, stop! Put that away! Stop, everyone! Stop! 432 00:34:41,921 --> 00:34:45,456 Ridin' along in my automobile 433 00:34:45,591 --> 00:34:47,880 My baby beside me at the wheel 434 00:34:49,220 --> 00:34:52,055 I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 435 00:34:52,849 --> 00:34:56,134 It's Hall with Major Thorn. Looks like a surprise inspection. 436 00:34:56,269 --> 00:35:00,266 An inspection? Now? Look at this place! 437 00:35:00,398 --> 00:35:02,770 - ETA, 90 seconds. - Think. Think. 438 00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:05,605 I've got to think. Where's Alpha company? 439 00:35:05,736 --> 00:35:07,729 Field exercises. 440 00:35:07,863 --> 00:35:09,939 So we parked way out on the Kokomo 441 00:35:11,701 --> 00:35:14,536 The night was young and the moon was gold 442 00:35:15,121 --> 00:35:17,659 So we both decided to take a stroll 443 00:35:19,291 --> 00:35:21,367 Can you imagine the way I felt? 444 00:35:22,795 --> 00:35:25,333 I couldn't unfasten her safety belt 445 00:35:26,507 --> 00:35:29,212 Cruisin' and playin' the radio 446 00:35:30,177 --> 00:35:33,048 With no particular place to go 447 00:35:42,856 --> 00:35:46,190 Um, which way are we... 448 00:35:46,735 --> 00:35:48,562 ...facing here? 449 00:35:48,695 --> 00:35:53,986 Uh, well... it would have to be this one here. 450 00:35:54,868 --> 00:35:58,320 Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail 451 00:35:58,455 --> 00:36:01,954 As those caissons go rolling along 452 00:36:02,084 --> 00:36:05,784 And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery 453 00:36:06,129 --> 00:36:08,086 Bilko. 454 00:36:08,548 --> 00:36:10,837 Ten-hut, platoon! 455 00:36:14,096 --> 00:36:16,966 - Major Thorn wants to see the barracks. - An inspection? 456 00:36:17,099 --> 00:36:19,768 I wish we had a little more time. We're not prepared. 457 00:36:19,893 --> 00:36:23,760 It just gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon. 458 00:36:23,897 --> 00:36:26,933 - Why don't they stand by their rooms? - Certainly. Sergeant? 459 00:36:27,067 --> 00:36:30,815 Really, sir, if the glee club misses practice, I won't be responsible... 460 00:36:30,946 --> 00:36:36,450 - I said now! - Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! 461 00:36:42,624 --> 00:36:44,700 - Is this your room, soldier? - Yes, sir. 462 00:36:44,834 --> 00:36:47,372 Follow me. 463 00:36:56,554 --> 00:36:58,511 Who's this? 464 00:36:59,974 --> 00:37:04,601 It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir: The African-American Hour. 465 00:37:04,729 --> 00:37:06,805 Oh? I've never heard of it. 466 00:37:06,939 --> 00:37:11,518 It's on cable. See, it's funny, but it also makes you think. 467 00:37:13,321 --> 00:37:14,863 Ah. Hm. 468 00:37:51,817 --> 00:37:53,940 Are these yours? 469 00:37:54,486 --> 00:37:59,563 It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir. 470 00:38:00,993 --> 00:38:03,235 It's a new army, Major. 471 00:38:03,370 --> 00:38:05,446 We're all adjusting. 472 00:38:21,013 --> 00:38:22,637 - Whose bunk is this? - Uh, mine, sir. 473 00:38:22,764 --> 00:38:26,714 - That corner is not squared off! - What? I told you to make this bunk! 474 00:38:26,852 --> 00:38:31,063 Now, I don't want any of your excuses! Now, drop and give me 20! Ha! 475 00:38:35,694 --> 00:38:38,399 All right. One. We're going for one. 476 00:38:39,322 --> 00:38:41,481 Colonel, you're a very courageous man. 477 00:38:41,616 --> 00:38:44,286 Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor... 478 00:38:44,911 --> 00:38:46,868 Courageous? What do you mean? 479 00:38:46,997 --> 00:38:50,531 Thumbing your nose at army regulations. But I guess your men come first. 480 00:38:50,667 --> 00:38:53,336 - And 20. - My men? First? 481 00:38:54,045 --> 00:38:57,130 - What does he mean, Bilko? - This soldier, sir. 482 00:38:57,257 --> 00:39:00,922 I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his maximum allowable weight. 483 00:39:01,052 --> 00:39:04,836 What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed? 484 00:39:04,973 --> 00:39:06,716 Blamed? 485 00:39:06,850 --> 00:39:09,767 Sergeant, I want him at regulation weight in six weeks. 486 00:39:09,894 --> 00:39:11,389 Yes, sir! 487 00:39:27,203 --> 00:39:30,287 Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later. 488 00:39:30,415 --> 00:39:34,459 Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner. 489 00:39:34,961 --> 00:39:39,124 I'm from Rhode Island, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years. 490 00:39:39,507 --> 00:39:42,876 - They get married. - Then why is it such a small state? 491 00:39:44,303 --> 00:39:46,925 Miss Robbins. I don't get it. 492 00:39:47,056 --> 00:39:51,433 Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time? 493 00:39:51,561 --> 00:39:54,230 Doesn't she have any self-esteem? 494 00:39:54,355 --> 00:39:58,435 Well, that's a very interesting question. 495 00:39:58,567 --> 00:40:02,861 - Certainly is. - Ernie! What are you doing here? 496 00:40:03,114 --> 00:40:05,071 - Did you get the flowers I sent ya? - No. 497 00:40:05,199 --> 00:40:08,650 Darn. I'll call FedEx and have 'em put a trace on it. 498 00:40:08,786 --> 00:40:11,953 That's right, sweetheart. Nathan's a hustler. 499 00:40:12,081 --> 00:40:14,951 He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth. 500 00:40:15,084 --> 00:40:18,868 But the one thing he never lies about is how much he cares for Adelaide. 501 00:40:19,088 --> 00:40:21,495 See, that's his core, and she knows it. 502 00:40:21,632 --> 00:40:26,460 OK, let's take a break for ten minutes. And that was really good. 503 00:40:27,137 --> 00:40:29,095 Wonderful. 504 00:40:33,143 --> 00:40:38,304 Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other any more. 505 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,311 Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me. 506 00:40:41,443 --> 00:40:45,607 - You never give up, do you? - Come on. Come on, sweetheart... 507 00:40:45,739 --> 00:40:48,775 ...go to the Rusty Spur with me. It'd be like old times. 508 00:40:50,369 --> 00:40:55,031 All right, but you've got 30 days. If this finger is still naked in 30 days... 509 00:40:55,165 --> 00:40:57,122 ...it's adios, Pepe. 510 00:40:58,168 --> 00:41:02,996 I mean it this time. This is your last chance. 511 00:41:28,365 --> 00:41:30,690 Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is... 512 00:41:30,825 --> 00:41:35,072 Lieutenant Monday. We're here from the Inspector General's Office, sir. 513 00:41:35,205 --> 00:41:39,665 I asked for the best number crunchers in the army! I hope that's what they sent! 514 00:41:39,793 --> 00:41:42,912 - If there's been any malfeasance... - Or embezzlement... 515 00:41:43,046 --> 00:41:44,291 We will find it. 516 00:41:44,422 --> 00:41:48,005 This guy we're going after's been feeding off the khaki tit for years. 517 00:41:48,134 --> 00:41:52,511 He's a master sergeant. His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him! 518 00:41:55,850 --> 00:41:58,637 - Forget it, Bilko. - But, sir, the moment my boys heard... 519 00:41:58,770 --> 00:42:01,474 ...about the desert manoeuvre, they volunteered. 520 00:42:01,606 --> 00:42:04,476 We still haven't got over being left out of Desert Storm. 521 00:42:04,609 --> 00:42:07,100 How the orders got crisscrossed, I'll never know. 522 00:42:07,236 --> 00:42:11,104 But if we could go on these manoeuvres, it would make up, in some small way... 523 00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:13,067 You must think I'm a nincompoop. 524 00:42:13,201 --> 00:42:16,118 A nincompoop? An NCP? On the contrary, sir. 525 00:42:16,245 --> 00:42:18,570 - I think you're one of the finest... - Las Vegas. 526 00:42:18,706 --> 00:42:21,458 - What, sir? - The desert manoeuvre will take place... 527 00:42:21,584 --> 00:42:23,909 ...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada. 528 00:42:24,045 --> 00:42:26,796 Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun? 529 00:42:26,922 --> 00:42:31,169 - Lake Mead, Hoover Dam. - Forget it. You've got bigger problems. 530 00:42:31,302 --> 00:42:35,513 Two hatchet men - excuse me, hatchet persons - 531 00:42:35,639 --> 00:42:39,139 ...from the Inspector General's Office came to audit the motor pool accounts. 532 00:42:39,268 --> 00:42:42,185 - I wonder who tipped them off? - Yes, I wonder. 533 00:42:43,856 --> 00:42:46,940 Fort Baxter. How may I direct your call? Motor pool? 534 00:42:47,067 --> 00:42:51,943 Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole post is skating on thin ice with hot blades. 535 00:42:52,072 --> 00:42:54,065 Don't let them find anything. 536 00:42:54,199 --> 00:42:57,153 - Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up? - A cover-up? 537 00:42:57,286 --> 00:43:00,370 Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up? 538 00:43:01,290 --> 00:43:03,448 No... sir. 539 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,629 Good. Then I'm not suggesting one. 540 00:43:08,088 --> 00:43:12,667 Just do... whatever it is you do to make these things go away. 541 00:43:14,678 --> 00:43:16,635 I can't help myself 542 00:43:17,681 --> 00:43:19,923 Bad habits 543 00:43:20,892 --> 00:43:22,968 I'm runnin' wild 544 00:43:23,687 --> 00:43:25,644 Lost control 545 00:43:27,065 --> 00:43:29,852 Well, I must confess 546 00:43:30,235 --> 00:43:33,153 Cos I can't repress 547 00:43:33,905 --> 00:43:37,570 In the last two months you billed the army for 72 windshields? 548 00:43:37,701 --> 00:43:40,867 That was a mistake. One of my men, Private Buttersworth... 549 00:43:40,996 --> 00:43:43,202 ...had a hairline crack in his glasses. 550 00:43:43,331 --> 00:43:45,123 - A crack? - Yes, a hairline crack. 551 00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:48,167 So to him, it looked like all the windshields were broken. 552 00:43:48,295 --> 00:43:50,999 I transferred him right out. That's the way I am. 553 00:43:51,131 --> 00:43:55,175 She's crazy about you. Every time you're not looking, she stares. 554 00:43:59,264 --> 00:44:01,340 You just missed it. 555 00:44:06,938 --> 00:44:11,814 Sergeant, in the past two days we've found a number of possible irregularities. 556 00:44:11,943 --> 00:44:16,320 - Now, if you can't produce receipts... - She's staring at you again. 557 00:44:16,447 --> 00:44:18,405 Oh, just missed it! 558 00:44:18,866 --> 00:44:20,658 There. 559 00:44:20,785 --> 00:44:23,454 ...that a boy like me 560 00:44:23,913 --> 00:44:28,290 Has got so many bad habits 561 00:44:29,877 --> 00:44:34,504 I said, all of these bad habits 562 00:44:36,884 --> 00:44:42,305 All of these bad habits 563 00:44:52,316 --> 00:44:54,060 Nothing? You found nothing? 564 00:44:54,193 --> 00:44:56,649 All my training tells me he's hiding something. 565 00:44:56,779 --> 00:44:59,484 Every time we're about to find something... 566 00:44:59,615 --> 00:45:03,150 - It dissolves. - It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. 567 00:45:03,285 --> 00:45:07,117 - No. It's like watching a magician. - He's got you watching his left hand... 568 00:45:07,248 --> 00:45:10,118 And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits! 569 00:45:10,251 --> 00:45:12,576 Well, then, let's tie his hands. 570 00:45:15,256 --> 00:45:17,581 Ernie, will you dance with me tonight? 571 00:45:17,716 --> 00:45:21,050 That's up to you. Last time, I accidentally stepped on your knee. 572 00:45:21,178 --> 00:45:23,503 - What if they play our song? - We have a song? 573 00:45:23,639 --> 00:45:25,715 Don't you remember the first time we...? 574 00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:28,175 Only you 575 00:45:28,310 --> 00:45:31,264 How could I forget our song? When they play it tonight... 576 00:45:31,396 --> 00:45:35,690 ...you and I will dance the most romantic dance we've ever danced in our entire life. 577 00:45:35,818 --> 00:45:39,021 - You promise? - That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko. 578 00:45:41,490 --> 00:45:43,897 Put some drive in your country 579 00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:48,695 Keep country drivin' on 580 00:45:50,415 --> 00:45:52,989 When the music gets you movin' 581 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,126 You know it can't be long 582 00:45:56,254 --> 00:46:00,086 Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just you and me. All night long. No soldiers. 583 00:46:00,217 --> 00:46:02,340 - What do you wanna do? - Let's shoot some pool. 584 00:46:02,469 --> 00:46:05,221 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, Sarge. You're late! 585 00:46:07,140 --> 00:46:11,517 - We want to celebrate the audit with ya. - Those bean counters didn't have a clue. 586 00:46:12,312 --> 00:46:15,811 I know, I know. Sometimes I'm so damn good I scare myself. 587 00:46:16,483 --> 00:46:18,689 Just us, huh? 588 00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:24,695 If you see her out tonight 589 00:46:25,283 --> 00:46:30,325 And she tells you that it's just the lights 590 00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:32,447 That bring her here 591 00:46:32,582 --> 00:46:37,244 And not her loneliness 592 00:46:39,422 --> 00:46:42,043 That's what she says... 593 00:46:42,175 --> 00:46:44,844 - I'll go get us a couple of drinks. - OK. 594 00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:57,891 ...every word she says 595 00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,266 A scorpion and a brandy alexander. 596 00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:03,935 That's what she says... 597 00:47:04,530 --> 00:47:06,938 The future Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"? 598 00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:11,072 Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her. I never even... I don't know her. 599 00:47:14,624 --> 00:47:18,407 Thank you very much, everybody. We'll be back in just a couple of minutes. 600 00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,418 - I'll introduce ya. - You know her? 601 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,835 - No. - She's with someone. 602 00:47:22,965 --> 00:47:24,922 A detail. 603 00:47:28,429 --> 00:47:31,679 - Ah, you must be in Bravo company. - No, Charlie company. 604 00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:34,049 - Charlie Company! Haven't you heard? - What? 605 00:47:34,185 --> 00:47:36,758 You're shipping out - Operation Vacuum Cleaner. 606 00:47:36,896 --> 00:47:39,054 - Operation... - Shh! 607 00:47:39,189 --> 00:47:42,523 I want his name. I want it known that in this moment of crisis... 608 00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:45,225 ...this man chose to sit here and eat bar nuts. 609 00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:49,526 - I didn't know! - Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 610 00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:53,948 All right. Now I'll settle this. 611 00:47:54,997 --> 00:47:56,989 - Hmm. - Excuse me? 612 00:47:57,166 --> 00:48:00,866 You were right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. 613 00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:02,830 - Did he say that? - Oh, yeah. 614 00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:06,332 He said your eyes were like diamonds sparkling on a summer night. 615 00:48:06,466 --> 00:48:11,009 The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you. 616 00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:15,847 I think the least you can do is sit down and buy this young lady some dinner. 617 00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:18,467 Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey! 618 00:48:19,021 --> 00:48:20,894 Ah, to be young again. 619 00:48:22,023 --> 00:48:24,775 - That's my sergeant. - Oh. 620 00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,565 Oh! Major Ebersole, boys. Welcome to the Spur. 621 00:48:33,702 --> 00:48:38,245 Oh, I've been here before. Uh... five years ago. 622 00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:41,078 I had... a scotch and soda. 623 00:48:41,209 --> 00:48:43,914 Good. A place like this depends on repeat business. 624 00:48:44,045 --> 00:48:49,040 They're repainting our club, so we had to move our weekly poker game down here. 625 00:48:49,175 --> 00:48:53,339 Poker. I've heard wonderful things about that game. Can I watch? 626 00:48:53,471 --> 00:48:56,638 - You don't play poker? - I'm pretty busy at the motor pool... 627 00:48:56,766 --> 00:49:01,926 ...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem. 628 00:49:02,063 --> 00:49:04,221 I don't have any change. 629 00:49:04,357 --> 00:49:08,224 We can make change. It's OK. 630 00:49:08,444 --> 00:49:10,817 Oh, goody. I get to play cards. 631 00:49:12,073 --> 00:49:15,821 ...long way home just to think of an alibi 632 00:49:15,952 --> 00:49:19,118 Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things 633 00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:20,361 That hadn't already... 634 00:49:20,498 --> 00:49:24,543 - Get you somethin'? - Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman. 635 00:49:24,669 --> 00:49:26,626 That's Bilko's girl. 636 00:49:27,421 --> 00:49:29,544 Now she looks even better. 637 00:49:32,134 --> 00:49:34,507 I'm dealing you five cards. 638 00:49:34,637 --> 00:49:37,128 - Five cards. Let me write this down. - Yeah, OK. 639 00:49:37,265 --> 00:49:40,468 Now, the worst hand that you can have... 640 00:49:40,601 --> 00:49:44,350 ...is if you only have one high card and nothing else that matches. 641 00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:49,723 - But then comes a pair. - A pair. How exciting. A pair. 642 00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:57,486 Only you 643 00:49:58,244 --> 00:50:03,486 Can make this world seem right 644 00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:07,288 Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie? 645 00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:10,292 - No, I haven't. - Will you hold this a second? 646 00:50:10,422 --> 00:50:12,462 - Sure. - Thanks. 647 00:50:15,344 --> 00:50:17,633 Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie? 648 00:50:17,763 --> 00:50:19,720 - No. - No. 649 00:50:20,724 --> 00:50:22,681 Ernie? 650 00:50:23,310 --> 00:50:24,473 Ernie! 651 00:50:24,812 --> 00:50:28,015 I have three jacks and two sixes. What's that called again? 652 00:50:28,148 --> 00:50:31,980 - A full house. - What a cute name. A full house. 653 00:50:32,277 --> 00:50:35,112 - Is that good? - Yes, that means you win. 654 00:50:36,865 --> 00:50:40,649 - Again. - Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing. 655 00:50:40,786 --> 00:50:42,909 What is that? Five in a row? 656 00:50:43,288 --> 00:50:46,622 What a lovely watch. Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle. 657 00:50:46,750 --> 00:50:48,992 Oops. Clumsy me. 658 00:50:50,128 --> 00:50:52,417 - OK. Cut? Thank you. - Hey! 659 00:50:52,547 --> 00:50:55,797 Sorry. All right. OK. 660 00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:03,631 You are my destiny 661 00:51:03,767 --> 00:51:08,014 Oh. You hear that song? It means I gotta go. 662 00:51:09,773 --> 00:51:13,355 Gee, I feel bad. Can't I give some of this back? 663 00:51:14,778 --> 00:51:17,648 No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it? 664 00:51:17,781 --> 00:51:21,232 All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs... 665 00:51:21,493 --> 00:51:26,285 ...and the pink slip, and you can cash me out and I'll see you back at the base. 666 00:51:26,414 --> 00:51:28,241 - Ernie! - Good evening, sir. 667 00:51:28,374 --> 00:51:30,082 Excuse us, Major. 668 00:51:30,210 --> 00:51:35,286 Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's decided to climb all over your sorry butt. 669 00:51:35,423 --> 00:51:37,665 I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie. 670 00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:42,676 Get back to the post. I'd like to see your men on the parade ground at 0500 hours. 671 00:51:42,805 --> 00:51:45,379 - Yes, sir. Weather permitting. - What permitting? 672 00:51:45,516 --> 00:51:47,675 Who said that? 673 00:51:47,810 --> 00:51:50,562 It's payback time, Bilko. 674 00:51:50,938 --> 00:51:53,892 If it's all the same to you, I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving. 675 00:51:54,025 --> 00:52:01,071 It's not all the same to me, Bilko. Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 676 00:52:01,449 --> 00:52:05,909 You are my destiny 677 00:52:10,458 --> 00:52:12,581 This solves nothing. 678 00:52:12,918 --> 00:52:15,041 This solves everything. 679 00:52:17,256 --> 00:52:20,459 You haven't seen someone called Ernie Bilko, have you? 680 00:52:20,843 --> 00:52:23,215 Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago. 681 00:52:23,345 --> 00:52:27,425 - Are you sure? - Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry. 682 00:52:27,641 --> 00:52:31,805 You see, I happen to know Major Ebersole offered him a poker game. 683 00:52:32,271 --> 00:52:35,889 You're my dream come true 684 00:52:36,650 --> 00:52:44,231 My one and only you 685 00:52:44,450 --> 00:52:46,738 I can drop you off on my way back to the post. 686 00:52:46,869 --> 00:52:50,238 - This is very nice of you. - Not at all. 687 00:52:50,372 --> 00:52:52,329 May I ask you... 688 00:52:53,792 --> 00:52:57,410 ...could I call on you sometime? - Oh, well, you see, I'm... 689 00:52:57,796 --> 00:53:00,168 I just broke up with someone. 690 00:53:00,299 --> 00:53:05,044 - He must be devastated. - Oh... he doesn't know yet. 691 00:53:17,732 --> 00:53:23,438 Fall in! Arrgh! And gather! Gather in... in a square! All right. 692 00:53:26,241 --> 00:53:28,198 Good! 693 00:53:28,868 --> 00:53:33,365 All right, you've seen real soldiers before. Just... do what they do. 694 00:53:38,253 --> 00:53:41,953 All right, let's do the "grab the rifle by the bottom" thing! 695 00:53:42,340 --> 00:53:44,297 Arrgh! 696 00:53:44,926 --> 00:53:48,461 All right! Now, let's do the, you know, the shoulder thing! 697 00:53:48,596 --> 00:53:52,724 Arrgh! The shoulder thing! Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes. 698 00:53:53,142 --> 00:53:57,639 All right. And now the... the "showing the rifle for the inspection" bit. 699 00:53:57,772 --> 00:53:59,599 Go! Arrgh! Arrgh! 700 00:54:16,499 --> 00:54:20,117 Well, my feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 701 00:54:20,378 --> 00:54:23,248 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 702 00:54:24,215 --> 00:54:27,050 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 703 00:54:29,387 --> 00:54:30,845 Go, go, go, go! 704 00:54:34,767 --> 00:54:37,305 Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy. 705 00:54:37,728 --> 00:54:40,563 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 706 00:54:40,856 --> 00:54:44,391 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 707 00:54:44,985 --> 00:54:47,690 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 708 00:54:57,581 --> 00:55:00,784 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 709 00:55:00,918 --> 00:55:04,203 Said feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 710 00:55:04,588 --> 00:55:07,589 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 711 00:55:07,883 --> 00:55:10,967 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 712 00:55:17,601 --> 00:55:19,558 No. Nope. 713 00:55:28,528 --> 00:55:30,984 I'm just so damn proud. 714 00:55:37,037 --> 00:55:40,322 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 715 00:55:40,457 --> 00:55:43,411 My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now 716 00:55:47,506 --> 00:55:50,079 I can barely move my legs 717 00:55:50,342 --> 00:55:53,011 I can barely move my legs 718 00:55:53,136 --> 00:55:55,888 Do me a favour and kill me now 719 00:55:56,139 --> 00:55:58,808 Do me a favour and kill me now 720 00:55:58,934 --> 00:56:01,970 Something, something rhymes with legs 721 00:56:02,228 --> 00:56:05,146 Something, something rhymes with legs 722 00:56:05,273 --> 00:56:08,309 My life is over anyhow 723 00:56:13,072 --> 00:56:15,943 - Sarge! - Sarge! He's killing us! 724 00:56:16,075 --> 00:56:18,863 - I can't do this. - What's the matter with you people? 725 00:56:18,995 --> 00:56:20,454 Generation X! 726 00:56:20,580 --> 00:56:23,332 - He's killin' us! - You've all gone soft! 727 00:56:23,499 --> 00:56:25,575 - Get serious, Sarge! - I am serious. 728 00:56:25,710 --> 00:56:28,545 I've been thinking about this. You're Bilko's platoon! 729 00:56:28,671 --> 00:56:30,996 Whatever they dish out, we can take. 730 00:56:31,132 --> 00:56:33,338 I want to see you two in my quarters. 731 00:56:40,308 --> 00:56:43,178 - Oh! - Sarge. 732 00:56:43,811 --> 00:56:47,394 I'm paralysed. I have no feeling from the hair down. 733 00:56:47,523 --> 00:56:50,275 Make the bad man stop. 734 00:56:53,279 --> 00:56:56,944 - Who are you calling? - Rita. Her voice will make me feel better. 735 00:56:57,074 --> 00:57:00,075 Ow. Ow, ow, ow. 736 00:57:14,967 --> 00:57:18,217 If any of this is frightening, just hold onto me. 737 00:57:19,471 --> 00:57:22,508 They're dancing Raisinets. 738 00:57:23,058 --> 00:57:26,510 And you don't find that frightening? 739 00:57:31,608 --> 00:57:33,601 Let's work 740 00:57:33,736 --> 00:57:35,479 Be proud 741 00:57:35,612 --> 00:57:37,190 Stand tall 742 00:57:38,532 --> 00:57:42,577 - Sarge? Sarge. - What's the matter? 743 00:57:44,621 --> 00:57:46,863 I put on three pounds. 744 00:57:47,749 --> 00:57:50,916 Funny, it doesn't show. Luis! This calls for plan A. 745 00:57:51,128 --> 00:57:56,253 That won't work. He's on his way over. He says if I can't do ten push-ups... 746 00:57:56,383 --> 00:57:59,218 ...he's gonna move me out. 747 00:58:04,182 --> 00:58:06,139 All right! Plan B. 748 00:58:13,775 --> 00:58:17,274 Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir! Have you lost w... 749 00:58:23,201 --> 00:58:25,277 Good work, Doberman! 750 00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:37,704 So, John, if you spoke to the officers and their wives, it would mean a lot. 751 00:58:37,841 --> 00:58:42,004 They keep hearing rumours that Fort Baxter will be shut down. 752 00:58:42,137 --> 00:58:47,890 Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank disaster, I don't know what might happen. 753 00:58:48,017 --> 00:58:52,430 Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad. 754 00:58:52,563 --> 00:58:56,513 Well, you will think of something. I have complete faith in you. 755 00:58:56,651 --> 00:58:58,893 Thank you. 756 00:58:59,654 --> 00:59:03,023 - Sorry, I didn't realise you had company. - Quite all right, Bilko. 757 00:59:03,157 --> 00:59:05,992 Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a movie star here. 758 00:59:06,119 --> 00:59:08,906 Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited. 759 00:59:09,038 --> 00:59:11,327 - Bilko. - We've seen all your movies. 760 00:59:11,457 --> 00:59:14,328 - They're a little racy for me. - Sergeant Bilko... 761 00:59:14,460 --> 00:59:16,120 You know this is Mrs Hall. 762 00:59:16,254 --> 00:59:20,714 Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were dazzled by an older man, is that it? 763 00:59:20,841 --> 00:59:22,501 - Bilko! - Yes, my colonel? 764 00:59:22,635 --> 00:59:25,470 John, I will see you later. 765 00:59:25,596 --> 00:59:28,052 Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall. 766 00:59:31,102 --> 00:59:33,723 - What is it, Sergeant? - Sir, if I could ask you again. 767 00:59:33,854 --> 00:59:35,930 - These desert manoeuvres... - You can go. 768 00:59:36,065 --> 00:59:39,481 If you'd seen the look on the men's faces when I said we wouldn't... 769 00:59:39,610 --> 00:59:41,899 - I said I've changed my mind. - Zimmerman... 770 00:59:42,029 --> 00:59:44,602 ...I had to cradle him in my... We can go? 771 00:59:52,581 --> 00:59:55,867 - Have a safe trip, Sergeant. - Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir. 772 00:59:56,001 --> 00:59:57,958 Oh, sure. 773 00:59:59,630 --> 01:00:02,251 Bright light city gonna set my soul 774 01:00:02,383 --> 01:00:05,170 Gonna set my soul on fire 775 01:00:06,136 --> 01:00:08,461 Viva Las Vegas 776 01:00:09,515 --> 01:00:11,756 Viva Las Vegas 777 01:00:12,267 --> 01:00:15,636 There's blackjack and poker and the roulette wheel 778 01:00:15,771 --> 01:00:18,890 All you need's a strong heart and a nerve of steel 779 01:00:19,233 --> 01:00:21,688 Viva Las Vegas 780 01:00:22,569 --> 01:00:25,025 Viva Las Vegas 781 01:00:25,864 --> 01:00:28,272 Viva Las Vegas 782 01:00:29,242 --> 01:00:31,615 Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing 783 01:00:31,745 --> 01:00:33,987 Sarge, you're crying. 784 01:00:34,122 --> 01:00:36,744 It's just... so beautiful. 785 01:00:37,501 --> 01:00:40,786 Viva, viva, Las Vegas 786 01:00:40,921 --> 01:00:43,756 All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres! 787 01:00:45,008 --> 01:00:48,840 I killed an afternoon convincing Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble... 788 01:00:48,970 --> 01:00:51,212 ...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres. 789 01:00:51,348 --> 01:00:54,717 You've got three days to get into this computer. 790 01:00:54,851 --> 01:00:57,223 Find me everything. 791 01:00:59,022 --> 01:01:02,473 If he stole a match, I want to know about it. 792 01:01:04,944 --> 01:01:06,818 I'm goin' to party town 793 01:01:06,946 --> 01:01:08,109 Yeah, yeah 794 01:01:08,239 --> 01:01:10,446 I wanna party down 795 01:01:10,575 --> 01:01:11,654 Yeah, yeah 796 01:01:11,784 --> 01:01:15,236 I wanna have some fun I'm gonna fool around 797 01:01:15,371 --> 01:01:17,163 I'm goin' to party town 798 01:01:18,625 --> 01:01:20,582 Right here in party town 799 01:01:20,710 --> 01:01:21,825 Yeah, yeah 800 01:01:21,961 --> 01:01:24,120 They really party down 801 01:01:24,255 --> 01:01:25,251 Yeah, yeah 802 01:01:25,381 --> 01:01:27,504 Man, it's a party town 803 01:01:27,633 --> 01:01:28,665 Yeah, yeah 804 01:01:32,388 --> 01:01:33,717 - Where we goin'? - Craps. 805 01:01:33,848 --> 01:01:36,553 Think of the changes you wanna make when we own this place. 806 01:01:36,684 --> 01:01:40,053 Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin', is it safe for us to be off the base? 807 01:01:40,188 --> 01:01:43,188 - Thorn will be up to somethin'. - You just thought of that? 808 01:01:43,316 --> 01:01:47,942 Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt the files. It'll take 'em years to break in. 809 01:01:48,112 --> 01:01:50,270 We're in. 810 01:01:58,998 --> 01:02:00,243 Good job. 811 01:02:00,416 --> 01:02:02,788 Now, how far back do you want us to go? 812 01:02:02,918 --> 01:02:05,290 You two kids have just been sensational. 813 01:02:05,421 --> 01:02:08,671 Why don't you knock off for the rest of the evening? 814 01:02:09,508 --> 01:02:11,880 And do what? 815 01:02:12,011 --> 01:02:15,380 - Have fun. Unwind. - Hm. 816 01:02:15,514 --> 01:02:17,720 - Well, shall I...? - No, leave it on for a second. 817 01:02:17,850 --> 01:02:22,595 I'd just like to check on one or two things, just out of curiosity. 818 01:02:23,605 --> 01:02:26,559 Well, good night. 819 01:02:27,026 --> 01:02:28,354 Good night. 820 01:02:29,778 --> 01:02:33,278 I think it was very exciting, the way you broke into that computer. 821 01:02:33,407 --> 01:02:35,696 - It was? - Yes! 822 01:02:36,910 --> 01:02:39,662 - Can I buy you a drink? - Why, yes. 823 01:02:51,633 --> 01:02:53,875 Oh, oh, oh! There they go! 824 01:03:01,810 --> 01:03:03,352 Oh, my. All right. 825 01:03:03,478 --> 01:03:07,558 Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot. Quick, quick, cool 'em off. 826 01:03:09,192 --> 01:03:12,193 Press the six and the eight and the black ten. 827 01:03:12,320 --> 01:03:15,238 - All right, here we go. Now... - Oh, he's shakin' 'em off. 828 01:03:15,865 --> 01:03:20,159 Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch. It looks like the high, hard one! 829 01:03:23,665 --> 01:03:25,954 Ooh, baby! Oh, good. 830 01:03:26,084 --> 01:03:30,378 Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little... It's easy, it's easy, it's easy. 831 01:03:30,505 --> 01:03:32,794 It's just... behind the back. 832 01:03:32,924 --> 01:03:35,711 Winner! We have a winner. 833 01:03:38,763 --> 01:03:41,336 Wait a minute. This chip is scratched. 834 01:03:43,518 --> 01:03:44,597 - Mr Bilko. - Yes? 835 01:03:44,727 --> 01:03:47,397 That's quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you? 836 01:03:47,522 --> 01:03:51,899 Yes, go to your vault and tell your money to be patient. We'll be together soon. 837 01:03:53,277 --> 01:03:56,195 You mean he stood you up before that night at the Rusty Spur? 838 01:03:56,322 --> 01:03:58,730 Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar. 839 01:03:59,367 --> 01:04:01,443 There can be no excuse for that. 840 01:04:01,577 --> 01:04:06,405 You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse every time. They were all pretty amazing. 841 01:04:06,541 --> 01:04:08,996 - He did that more than once? - Mm-hm. 842 01:04:09,877 --> 01:04:12,712 Rita, you have a lot of love to give. 843 01:04:13,214 --> 01:04:15,883 And you're smart. Why put up with a clown like that? 844 01:04:16,008 --> 01:04:20,884 Because it was exciting. With Ernie, every day was anything-can-happen day. 845 01:04:21,013 --> 01:04:23,385 Some couples play Scrabble. 846 01:04:23,516 --> 01:04:26,885 This isn't a game we're talking about - it's your life. 847 01:04:27,019 --> 01:04:30,518 Where I come from, when you tell a woman you'll marry her, you mean it. 848 01:04:30,648 --> 01:04:35,191 You know something? I would never stand you up. I'd never not call you. 849 01:04:36,028 --> 01:04:40,820 But then, I'm an officer with career prospects. I can handle responsibility. 850 01:04:40,950 --> 01:04:42,693 I guess you can. 851 01:04:42,826 --> 01:04:45,068 Wouldn't you like a man who's there for you? 852 01:04:45,204 --> 01:04:48,620 A man who wants to get married, settle down and have a family. 853 01:04:48,749 --> 01:04:50,706 Yes. 854 01:04:52,044 --> 01:04:53,835 I bought you this. 855 01:04:57,841 --> 01:04:59,252 A ring! 856 01:04:59,384 --> 01:05:02,006 Two carats of cubic zirconia. 857 01:05:02,554 --> 01:05:04,511 It's beautiful. 858 01:05:10,354 --> 01:05:11,682 Oh... 859 01:05:11,813 --> 01:05:14,565 This is happening... too fast. 860 01:05:15,692 --> 01:05:18,183 I don't want to hurt Ernie. 861 01:05:18,654 --> 01:05:20,148 No. 862 01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:22,771 We really don't want to hurt Ernie. 863 01:05:26,161 --> 01:05:28,616 - That's when Vegas was Vegas. - Excuse me, Mr Bilko? 864 01:05:28,747 --> 01:05:31,950 - He said it was an emergency. - This must be the Pentagon. 865 01:05:32,083 --> 01:05:34,491 Hello? I can hardly hear you. 866 01:05:34,628 --> 01:05:38,162 Rita Robbins. She's been out with that guy Thorn every night. 867 01:05:38,506 --> 01:05:40,795 - Thorn? - Since before you went on manoeuvres. 868 01:05:40,926 --> 01:05:45,089 Tomorrow night they're going out to that fancy French restaurant in Roseville. 869 01:05:45,221 --> 01:05:49,385 She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie, I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything. 870 01:05:52,353 --> 01:05:54,844 - Thanks, Sowicki. - Bye, Ernie. 871 01:05:56,733 --> 01:05:59,354 - Thank you, Stan. - Hey, thank you! 872 01:05:59,486 --> 01:06:02,155 For allowing me to screw with Bilko's head. 873 01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:04,319 Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan. 874 01:06:04,449 --> 01:06:07,366 I just need to find out how much he really loves me. 875 01:06:07,493 --> 01:06:09,949 - He loves you plenty. - More than Las Vegas? 876 01:06:10,121 --> 01:06:12,030 That's asking a lot. 877 01:06:15,752 --> 01:06:20,081 Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in right now. Please leave a message. 878 01:06:20,214 --> 01:06:23,879 Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home. I hear you're seeing Thorn... 879 01:06:24,010 --> 01:06:28,090 ...and I just don't want you to take it too seriously. He's only with you to annoy me. 880 01:06:29,265 --> 01:06:33,678 I see. He couldn't possibly be interested in me-that would be ridiculous. 881 01:06:33,811 --> 01:06:36,598 Rita, you're there. This guy has terrible qualities. 882 01:06:36,731 --> 01:06:41,440 - For one thing, he's very manipulative. - He seemed nice to me. Goodbye. 883 01:06:42,695 --> 01:06:44,818 Hello? Hello? 884 01:06:45,740 --> 01:06:48,776 Rita? Rita? 885 01:06:53,289 --> 01:06:55,531 Why do you smell the cork? 886 01:06:56,208 --> 01:06:58,746 Your eyes are hazel, aren't they? 887 01:06:58,878 --> 01:06:59,957 Green. 888 01:07:00,087 --> 01:07:02,163 I never have sex on the first date. 889 01:07:02,298 --> 01:07:07,884 Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad? 890 01:07:08,012 --> 01:07:09,969 Yes, I have a reservation. 891 01:07:11,140 --> 01:07:16,644 Ah, this must be the table. You know, what they do very well here is the garlic. 892 01:07:16,770 --> 01:07:19,226 Oh, I touched you. My temperature is rising. 893 01:07:19,356 --> 01:07:24,896 Waiter, could we have two glasses of red house, uh... s'il vous please? 894 01:07:25,028 --> 01:07:26,143 In. 895 01:07:27,614 --> 01:07:29,571 Bilko. What a fool. 896 01:07:29,700 --> 01:07:31,158 Yeah. 897 01:07:31,285 --> 01:07:34,202 How can he afford to eat here on a sergeant's pay? 898 01:07:34,329 --> 01:07:38,113 - I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon. - No kidding? 899 01:07:41,295 --> 01:07:44,379 - That woman's kind of attractive too. - You think so? 900 01:07:44,506 --> 01:07:46,748 Well, not compared to you, of course. 901 01:07:47,342 --> 01:07:50,213 Anyway, I understand the oysters here are... 902 01:07:50,345 --> 01:07:53,132 ...very, uh, very, uh... imported. 903 01:07:54,057 --> 01:07:57,011 - Just get me out of here fast. - Relax, Paparelli. 904 01:07:57,144 --> 01:07:59,765 If you wanna make Rita jealous, why not use Barbella? 905 01:07:59,896 --> 01:08:04,688 She knows Barbella. I needed someone she can't recognise. Someone alluring. 906 01:08:05,986 --> 01:08:07,943 Thank you. 907 01:08:09,864 --> 01:08:15,653 Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha. 908 01:08:16,204 --> 01:08:18,873 Um, excuse me. One moment. 909 01:08:21,209 --> 01:08:25,159 She's coming over? She's coming over? 910 01:08:27,590 --> 01:08:31,291 Ernie, you made Paparelli get into drag just to make me jealous? 911 01:08:31,427 --> 01:08:35,639 Well, actually, he was already in drag. Paparelli, scram! Get going. 912 01:08:55,034 --> 01:08:57,442 Rita, you can't marry Thorn. You don't love him. 913 01:08:57,578 --> 01:09:01,030 Think of the children. You're a Catholic and he's an asshole! 914 01:09:01,165 --> 01:09:05,744 How would you raise them? And he's already cheating on you with Paparelli. 915 01:09:06,837 --> 01:09:08,795 Hi, soldier boy. 916 01:09:16,347 --> 01:09:19,716 Sowicki never told you I was marrying Thorn. 917 01:09:21,310 --> 01:09:25,723 You told Sowicki to call me. You manipulated me. How could you? 918 01:09:25,856 --> 01:09:30,233 Why not? I have a master's in manipulation from the University of Bilko. 919 01:09:30,361 --> 01:09:32,982 You tricked me. You sucked me in. 920 01:09:34,448 --> 01:09:37,615 This is the most turned on I've ever been in my life. 921 01:09:38,077 --> 01:09:40,449 Rita, I'm so glad we're back together again. 922 01:09:40,663 --> 01:09:42,702 Twelve more days. 923 01:09:50,923 --> 01:09:52,962 No wonder the hovertank never worked. 924 01:09:53,091 --> 01:09:57,753 Yes, sir. He's been diverting research funds into his own private account. 925 01:09:58,347 --> 01:10:03,803 For all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years, I've always liked him. 926 01:10:03,936 --> 01:10:06,177 The way he kept up the men's morale. 927 01:10:06,313 --> 01:10:10,476 The way he'd pretend to cry when I went on leave. The way, on my birthday... 928 01:10:10,609 --> 01:10:15,069 ...he'd have the men mow my name in the main lawn with a big heart around it. 929 01:10:16,323 --> 01:10:19,905 - But now there'll be a court martial. - Yes, sir. 930 01:10:20,035 --> 01:10:22,241 - Unless... - Unless? 931 01:10:22,370 --> 01:10:26,238 It's just that I know we'd both do anything to spare Bilko a court martial. 932 01:10:26,374 --> 01:10:28,948 If he could just be quietly punished. 933 01:10:29,085 --> 01:10:31,327 Yeah, sure. 934 01:10:32,464 --> 01:10:34,622 But... but how? 935 01:10:34,758 --> 01:10:37,046 The CO has certain powers, sir. 936 01:10:38,136 --> 01:10:42,513 - Powers? - Can't he, for instance, have a soldier... 937 01:10:44,768 --> 01:10:46,725 ...trans... 938 01:10:47,937 --> 01:10:50,393 Trans... atlantic? 939 01:10:53,443 --> 01:10:55,934 Trans... vestite? 940 01:10:58,907 --> 01:11:02,026 - Transferred! - What a wonderful idea. 941 01:11:02,619 --> 01:11:05,323 Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning. 942 01:11:06,164 --> 01:11:11,668 It'd have to be somewhere where there'd be no chance of him making trouble again. 943 01:11:15,965 --> 01:11:18,337 Greenland? 944 01:11:18,551 --> 01:11:22,383 He's been out walking by himself for, like, four hours. 945 01:11:22,972 --> 01:11:25,545 - What's he doin'? - He's thinkin'. 946 01:11:25,766 --> 01:11:30,179 - I thought I heard him crying. - He even asked for a box of tissues. 947 01:11:33,816 --> 01:11:35,559 I guess you're happy. 948 01:11:35,693 --> 01:11:39,062 Yeah. He hated the sarge. He was probably helping Thorn to get him. 949 01:11:39,196 --> 01:11:41,770 - I was not! - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 950 01:11:41,907 --> 01:11:44,861 This is Bilko we're talkin' about here. Bilko! 951 01:11:44,994 --> 01:11:47,282 Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on! 952 01:11:47,413 --> 01:11:50,034 - That's right. - He'll think of somethin'. 953 01:11:50,166 --> 01:11:53,831 Remember when I got the letter from my wife sayin' she wanted to break up? 954 01:11:53,961 --> 01:11:56,534 - Remember what Bilko did? - He got your wife back? 955 01:11:56,797 --> 01:11:59,205 No, he got me another wife. A better wife! 956 01:11:59,425 --> 01:12:03,469 - Yeah! - He'll come up with his best plan ever. 957 01:12:03,595 --> 01:12:07,130 Listen, I pity Major Thorn. When Bilko gets done with him... 958 01:12:08,058 --> 01:12:10,728 - Sarge! - Ten-hut! 959 01:12:10,853 --> 01:12:12,679 Hey, Sarge! 960 01:12:12,813 --> 01:12:15,386 - Sarge! - Sarge! You've come back! 961 01:12:16,984 --> 01:12:19,985 Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted. 962 01:12:21,155 --> 01:12:23,443 Fall in and look this way! 963 01:12:28,036 --> 01:12:29,993 Hello, soldiers. 964 01:12:30,998 --> 01:12:34,663 I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are really. 965 01:12:34,793 --> 01:12:37,829 Soldiers, every last one of you - with a couple of exceptions. 966 01:12:37,963 --> 01:12:39,837 - He's got a plan. - He sure does. 967 01:12:39,965 --> 01:12:43,832 I wanna tell you a little story. There was once a little boy... 968 01:12:43,969 --> 01:12:47,717 ...and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophisticated... 969 01:12:47,848 --> 01:12:51,098 ...illegal gaming operations the US Army has ever seen. 970 01:12:51,226 --> 01:12:52,471 - He's not worried. - Not a bit. 971 01:12:52,602 --> 01:12:54,927 And that little boy's dream came true. 972 01:12:55,063 --> 01:12:58,646 But now they're trying to snatch that dream back from him. 973 01:12:58,817 --> 01:13:00,477 - He is worried. - That's not good. 974 01:13:00,610 --> 01:13:04,062 But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! 975 01:13:04,197 --> 01:13:06,984 Of course, the first are B-l-L, which is meaningless. 976 01:13:07,117 --> 01:13:10,901 But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well, kind of, but not really... 977 01:13:11,037 --> 01:13:14,738 ...because there is no way I am going to Greenland. 978 01:13:14,874 --> 01:13:17,579 Well, you're probably wondering if I have a plan. 979 01:13:17,710 --> 01:13:24,460 Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N. Plan. 980 01:13:25,969 --> 01:13:27,926 But... 981 01:13:28,846 --> 01:13:30,471 - He's got no plan. - We're screwed. 982 01:13:30,598 --> 01:13:34,548 - I have a plan, Sarge. - But maybe a plan is not what I need! 983 01:13:34,686 --> 01:13:38,019 What I really need is just a little puppy. 984 01:13:38,147 --> 01:13:42,441 A little puppy with big, brown eyes who'll just come to me and lick my face... 985 01:13:42,568 --> 01:13:47,029 ...and just love me so much, no matter what kind of person I am. 986 01:13:48,407 --> 01:13:50,483 Sarge, I really do have a plan. 987 01:13:51,369 --> 01:13:55,532 Oh, so now you have a plan. Well, let's hear your plan, Wally. 988 01:13:56,165 --> 01:14:00,079 What if the hovertank did work? That'd prove you haven't diverted the money. 989 01:14:00,211 --> 01:14:02,880 Oh! That is so stup... What? 990 01:14:03,047 --> 01:14:07,210 That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money. Wouldn't it? 991 01:14:10,137 --> 01:14:12,509 Are you saying you can get the hovertank to work? 992 01:14:12,640 --> 01:14:18,180 No, of course not. But we don't need to hold four aces if they think we hold 'em. 993 01:14:20,940 --> 01:14:23,347 Permission to speak freely? 994 01:14:24,068 --> 01:14:27,519 Tell me a bit more about this plan, because I think that's actually... 995 01:14:27,655 --> 01:14:30,442 If they come, deny everything. Just act dumb. 996 01:14:30,574 --> 01:14:33,112 Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that. 997 01:14:36,413 --> 01:14:40,031 I love the nightlife, I like to boogie 998 01:14:40,167 --> 01:14:42,243 I like to rock all night long 999 01:14:42,377 --> 01:14:44,335 Ahem. 1000 01:14:44,671 --> 01:14:47,459 Oh... it's you, Bilko. 1001 01:14:47,591 --> 01:14:49,999 Sir, if I could talk with you just for a moment. 1002 01:14:50,135 --> 01:14:53,718 If you've come to talk about Greenland, you're wasting your time. 1003 01:14:53,847 --> 01:14:56,089 Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed. 1004 01:14:56,224 --> 01:14:59,843 Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. 1005 01:14:59,978 --> 01:15:02,683 - I didn't steal money, sir. - Please, Bilko. 1006 01:15:04,024 --> 01:15:06,479 Let's just say goodbye. 1007 01:15:06,610 --> 01:15:08,649 And thank you. 1008 01:15:08,779 --> 01:15:11,614 - For what, sir? - Well, for... 1009 01:15:12,115 --> 01:15:15,365 ...always making me feel like I actually ran this place. 1010 01:15:15,494 --> 01:15:17,451 Good old Fort Baxter. 1011 01:15:18,246 --> 01:15:20,998 I guess your garden is one of the things you'll miss most. 1012 01:15:21,124 --> 01:15:22,951 Ah, yes. I love... 1013 01:15:23,084 --> 01:15:25,540 - Miss? Why miss? - The colonel hasn't heard? 1014 01:15:25,670 --> 01:15:29,585 - In that case, it must not be true. - What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter? 1015 01:15:29,716 --> 01:15:32,005 You didn't hear it from me. 1016 01:15:32,135 --> 01:15:35,219 Take good care of yourself in... I've said enough. 1017 01:15:35,388 --> 01:15:37,547 Have you heard where they're sending me? 1018 01:15:37,682 --> 01:15:41,098 - You're stepping on your flowers. - The hell with them! Where? 1019 01:15:41,227 --> 01:15:44,098 - Where are they sending me? - It's just rumour, sir. 1020 01:15:44,230 --> 01:15:47,682 Oh, that fair skin under the burning desert sun... 1021 01:15:48,234 --> 01:15:51,983 Oh, my God. The desert sun. 1022 01:15:52,113 --> 01:15:55,114 Remember, if you get lost, travel by night. 1023 01:15:55,241 --> 01:15:59,784 - How can they do this to me? - The hovertank test was the last straw. 1024 01:15:59,912 --> 01:16:02,534 Too bad they didn't schedule it this week. 1025 01:16:02,665 --> 01:16:04,622 Well... 1026 01:16:05,043 --> 01:16:07,000 - Goodbye. - Wha...? Wait! 1027 01:16:07,295 --> 01:16:11,079 - You mean the hovertank is working? - Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir: 1028 01:16:11,215 --> 01:16:13,706 ..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP." 1029 01:16:13,843 --> 01:16:16,334 "Call the Pentagon and the Department of the Army." 1030 01:16:16,470 --> 01:16:19,306 - All right. - I've already taken that liberty, sir. 1031 01:16:19,432 --> 01:16:21,389 - Thank you. - Oh, that picture of you... 1032 01:16:21,517 --> 01:16:24,138 ...standing triumphant at the test. 1033 01:16:24,270 --> 01:16:27,805 That'll keep me warm on those lonely nights in Greenland. 1034 01:16:29,108 --> 01:16:31,314 In Greenland, sir. 1035 01:16:31,694 --> 01:16:33,733 Oh. Yes. 1036 01:16:33,863 --> 01:16:36,104 Well, goodbye. 1037 01:16:37,575 --> 01:16:39,117 - Ah, Bi... - Yes, sir? 1038 01:16:41,871 --> 01:16:44,788 If the test goes well, you won't be transferred. 1039 01:16:45,249 --> 01:16:47,787 Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned! 1040 01:16:48,544 --> 01:16:50,786 Just as a formality, I've put that in writing. 1041 01:16:50,921 --> 01:16:54,504 If you could just sign here and here, and initial here. 1042 01:16:58,053 --> 01:17:00,176 - Here? - Uh, no. Here. 1043 01:17:00,889 --> 01:17:03,559 And I'll just notarise that. 1044 01:17:03,684 --> 01:17:07,219 - And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee. - Oh. Thank you. 1045 01:17:08,897 --> 01:17:11,223 Here you are. Good day. 1046 01:17:12,985 --> 01:17:15,061 No, it'll hover. But as before... 1047 01:17:15,195 --> 01:17:19,407 ...it will go completely haywire if we attempt to fire the cannon. 1048 01:17:19,533 --> 01:17:22,071 We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. 1049 01:17:22,202 --> 01:17:26,200 - Let's get started. - It's a $70-million piece of equipment. 1050 01:17:26,331 --> 01:17:29,581 You think I'm gonna allow one of your men to fool around with it? 1051 01:17:29,710 --> 01:17:32,165 - I think not. - Oh. Mm-hm. 1052 01:17:32,337 --> 01:17:36,287 Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what? 1053 01:17:36,425 --> 01:17:39,461 What's this? Oh! I almost forgot I had these. 1054 01:17:39,594 --> 01:17:42,132 It's the IOUs from the poker game. 1055 01:17:42,264 --> 01:17:45,348 - Would he like to use my tools? - That would be nice. 1056 01:17:50,355 --> 01:17:53,854 - You saw it? - Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed. 1057 01:17:54,067 --> 01:17:57,270 - A perfect hit. - The hovertank? 1058 01:17:57,404 --> 01:18:00,239 - I thought that thing was busted. - Yeah, it was. 1059 01:18:00,365 --> 01:18:02,239 But the kid, Wally, he fixed it. 1060 01:18:02,367 --> 01:18:04,656 He said the key was the... 1061 01:18:05,370 --> 01:18:07,327 The...? 1062 01:18:08,248 --> 01:18:11,249 The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1063 01:18:11,960 --> 01:18:15,909 - Imagine that. - Yeah, the super-elevator board. 1064 01:18:16,047 --> 01:18:21,172 And the great thing is, if it works at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay. 1065 01:18:21,302 --> 01:18:23,259 Great! 1066 01:18:51,457 --> 01:18:53,414 Yeah. 1067 01:19:14,939 --> 01:19:19,232 - Wonderful to see you again, General. - You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall. 1068 01:19:19,693 --> 01:19:23,643 - And, of course, you know Major Thorn. - Thorn. 1069 01:19:45,218 --> 01:19:48,587 - Tank crew ready, sir. - Very good, Bilko. General. 1070 01:19:48,722 --> 01:19:51,178 Master Sergeant Bilko. It's an honour to meet you. 1071 01:19:51,308 --> 01:19:54,759 - You look terrific! Have you lost weight? - Who is this? 1072 01:19:55,145 --> 01:19:59,771 Members of Congress, General Tennyson, colleagues from the defence industries... 1073 01:19:59,900 --> 01:20:02,058 ...distinguished guests, welcome. 1074 01:20:03,862 --> 01:20:06,353 The weapon system you are about to see today... 1075 01:20:06,490 --> 01:20:12,362 ...can be called the world's first truly all-terrain assault vehicle... 1076 01:20:12,495 --> 01:20:17,371 ...which I'm proud to say was developed entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter. 1077 01:20:18,168 --> 01:20:22,711 I give you the armoured attack platform to lead American defence forces... 1078 01:20:22,839 --> 01:20:28,046 ...into the 21st century. The HTX-1 hovertank. 1079 01:20:38,563 --> 01:20:42,810 Water and rough terrain can stop an ordinary M1 or APC... 1080 01:20:42,942 --> 01:20:46,394 ...but the hovertank can literally rise above these obstacles. 1081 01:20:46,529 --> 01:20:50,230 And that is the capability we will show you here today. 1082 01:20:50,533 --> 01:20:52,905 Hovertank, you are looking good. 1083 01:20:54,746 --> 01:20:58,197 Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah! 1084 01:21:25,693 --> 01:21:28,398 Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch. 1085 01:21:59,601 --> 01:22:01,428 Fire in the hole! 1086 01:22:35,846 --> 01:22:40,591 - You hit the wrong button, Rastahead! - It's not my fault! He wired it wrong! 1087 01:22:43,395 --> 01:22:44,889 Any questions? 1088 01:23:07,627 --> 01:23:09,785 Congratulations, honey. 1089 01:23:10,630 --> 01:23:12,539 - Home run, sir! - Thank you, Captain. 1090 01:23:12,674 --> 01:23:15,509 - We'll rush this baby into production. - Thank you. 1091 01:23:15,635 --> 01:23:19,335 Jack, I thank you on behalf of a grateful nation. 1092 01:23:19,472 --> 01:23:22,805 I just can't wait to see what you fellas come up with next. 1093 01:23:24,102 --> 01:23:27,056 Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged. 1094 01:23:27,188 --> 01:23:31,055 Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office? 1095 01:23:31,192 --> 01:23:33,398 I've never given that serious consideration. 1096 01:23:33,528 --> 01:23:35,567 Wait! General! He faked it! 1097 01:23:35,696 --> 01:23:39,231 Didn't you see the gun was aimed at target three, but blew up target four? 1098 01:23:39,367 --> 01:23:40,777 Yes, I did. 1099 01:23:40,910 --> 01:23:43,780 If you remember Einstein's theory, space is curved. 1100 01:23:43,913 --> 01:23:46,783 - Yes. - And these are smart weapons. 1101 01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:51,286 Oh, cut the crap! He faked it. It's just one of his scams. 1102 01:23:51,545 --> 01:23:54,665 That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this? 1103 01:23:54,799 --> 01:23:56,921 General, in all my years in the service... 1104 01:23:57,051 --> 01:24:00,384 ...I have never, not once, publicly berated a fellow officer. 1105 01:24:00,513 --> 01:24:04,380 But I realise now that from the moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter... 1106 01:24:04,516 --> 01:24:08,182 ...he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. 1107 01:24:08,312 --> 01:24:12,559 I find his conduct inexcusable, and will recommend an article 32 investigation. 1108 01:24:12,691 --> 01:24:14,483 - I see. - You don't understand. 1109 01:24:14,610 --> 01:24:18,987 He doesn't know what's going on. This sergeant leads him around by the nose! 1110 01:24:19,156 --> 01:24:22,940 Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met. 1111 01:24:24,328 --> 01:24:28,539 I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing! 1112 01:24:28,665 --> 01:24:33,411 I'd like to see just one piece of evidence to support these idiotic allegations. 1113 01:24:33,545 --> 01:24:38,919 Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1114 01:24:39,051 --> 01:24:42,301 I took it out last night, so how can it work? 1115 01:24:50,312 --> 01:24:53,313 So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major? 1116 01:24:53,440 --> 01:24:55,812 I got it all on tape. 1117 01:24:56,151 --> 01:24:57,811 Lucky. 1118 01:25:03,992 --> 01:25:06,234 - Whoo! - Yeah, celebration time. 1119 01:25:06,369 --> 01:25:08,326 Chin-chin. 1120 01:25:09,664 --> 01:25:13,876 Because I know Pap knew it, and I... Stand, troops! 1121 01:25:15,920 --> 01:25:19,788 - You're in the presence of a genius. - Hoo-ah! 1122 01:25:19,924 --> 01:25:24,800 You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn to sabotage something that didn't work! 1123 01:25:25,096 --> 01:25:29,758 Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad? 1124 01:25:29,893 --> 01:25:32,300 Here, Sarge. 1125 01:25:33,146 --> 01:25:36,645 I was just resetting the colonel's odometer. 1126 01:25:44,741 --> 01:25:47,777 - I told you Wally was all right. - OK. Glee club. 1127 01:26:02,967 --> 01:26:04,342 Oh, well. 1128 01:26:04,468 --> 01:26:09,676 Only you, only you, only you 1129 01:26:10,182 --> 01:26:15,224 Can make this change in me 1130 01:26:15,771 --> 01:26:20,729 Only you 1131 01:26:20,860 --> 01:26:24,063 You are my destiny 1132 01:26:24,363 --> 01:26:26,688 Destiny 1133 01:26:26,824 --> 01:26:32,280 When you hold my hand, I understand the 1134 01:26:32,413 --> 01:26:38,617 Magic that you do, magic that you do 1135 01:26:39,253 --> 01:26:44,709 Ooh, you're my dream come true 1136 01:26:44,842 --> 01:26:48,590 My one and only 1137 01:26:49,388 --> 01:26:50,301 You 1138 01:26:50,431 --> 01:26:51,426 Hum 1139 01:26:51,807 --> 01:26:53,087 Hum 1140 01:26:53,642 --> 01:26:57,307 It's only you 1141 01:26:58,689 --> 01:27:00,598 Very nice. 1142 01:27:00,732 --> 01:27:02,642 Aw, get up, Bilko. 1143 01:27:03,527 --> 01:27:09,363 Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot, but sometimes long shots pay off big. 1144 01:28:01,793 --> 01:28:06,585 Don't even ask. I forgot it was daylight-savings time. Can you believe it? 1145 01:28:06,965 --> 01:28:09,502 Well, better late than never. 1146 01:28:15,807 --> 01:28:17,515 - Poker? - All right. 1147 01:28:18,267 --> 01:28:19,975 Nickel ante. 1148 01:28:21,562 --> 01:28:25,394 Let's make it interesting. One hand of showdown. 1149 01:28:25,775 --> 01:28:28,692 If I win, we get married. 1150 01:28:31,781 --> 01:28:33,987 Ernie, I don't think that's such a good idea. 1151 01:28:34,116 --> 01:28:38,244 I've never known you to chicken out of a game, whatever the stakes. 1152 01:28:44,710 --> 01:28:46,667 You're on. 1153 01:28:48,589 --> 01:28:50,831 Well, well, well, what do you know? 1154 01:28:50,966 --> 01:28:53,718 - Full house. Jacks over threes. - You cheated! 1155 01:28:53,844 --> 01:28:55,718 - No, and we're getting married! - When? 1156 01:28:55,846 --> 01:28:58,681 Now! 1157 01:29:05,439 --> 01:29:07,396 Daddy! 1158 01:29:07,816 --> 01:29:10,272 - Ow! - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here... 1159 01:29:10,402 --> 01:29:12,609 ...to witness the joining of these two good people in holy matrimony. 1160 01:29:12,738 --> 01:29:15,941 Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko to love, honour and cherish... 1161 01:29:16,074 --> 01:29:18,992 ...for richer or poorer... - Think we're moving too fast? 1162 01:29:19,119 --> 01:29:20,448 - I do. - Let's go! 1163 01:29:20,579 --> 01:29:24,327 - Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. 1164 01:29:24,458 --> 01:29:29,285 By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may ki... 1165 01:29:31,173 --> 01:29:33,130 Ah. 1166 01:30:04,748 --> 01:30:07,286 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1167 01:30:07,417 --> 01:30:10,169 Livin' in the USA 1168 01:30:10,295 --> 01:30:12,964 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1169 01:30:13,089 --> 01:30:15,758 Livin' in the USA 1170 01:30:15,884 --> 01:30:18,209 Where are you goin' to? 1171 01:30:18,636 --> 01:30:20,962 What are you gonna do? 1172 01:30:21,097 --> 01:30:23,968 Do you think that it will be easy? 1173 01:30:24,100 --> 01:30:29,011 Do you think that it will be pleasin'? Hey, hey, what'd you say? 1174 01:30:29,147 --> 01:30:32,101 I won't pay, I'd rather play 1175 01:30:32,233 --> 01:30:36,860 It's my freedom Ah, don't worry about me, babe 1176 01:30:37,071 --> 01:30:39,360 I got to be free, babe 1177 01:30:40,032 --> 01:30:42,986 Hey, hey, hey, yeah 1178 01:30:44,162 --> 01:30:46,866 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1179 01:30:46,998 --> 01:30:49,571 Livin' in the USA 1180 01:30:49,709 --> 01:30:52,378 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo 1181 01:30:52,503 --> 01:30:55,077 Livin' in the USA 1182 01:30:56,173 --> 01:31:00,634 Hey, we're gonna make it, baby 1183 01:31:01,554 --> 01:31:06,892 Yeah, we got to shake it, baby 1184 01:31:07,643 --> 01:31:13,681 Hey, gonna break it, girl, yeah, yeah, yeah, girl 1185 01:31:15,276 --> 01:31:17,601 Come on, baby, hey 1186 01:31:17,736 --> 01:31:19,065 Oh, hey 1187 01:31:19,363 --> 01:31:21,237 Oh, hey 1188 01:31:21,365 --> 01:31:24,699 In the USA, baby 1189 01:31:28,956 --> 01:31:31,791 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1190 01:31:31,917 --> 01:31:33,376 Livin' in the USA 1191 01:31:33,502 --> 01:31:34,830 Don't worry about me, babe 1192 01:31:34,962 --> 01:31:37,334 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1193 01:31:38,132 --> 01:31:41,298 Livin' in the USA Livin' in the USA 1194 01:31:41,427 --> 01:31:43,503 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1195 01:31:44,179 --> 01:31:45,342 Livin' in the USA 1196 01:31:45,472 --> 01:31:47,429 I got to be free 1197 01:31:48,305 --> 01:32:48,930 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/z6jz Help other users to choose the best subtitles 99637