All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S08E07.720p

Howdy!

Welcome to the Thanksgiving
country jamboree!

- Wow.
- We got the whole Dunphy clan,

Claire, Phil, Luke,
Alex and --

Well, and who is this
happy farmhand?

I'm Jerry.

Jerry used to live next door.

He's been going through a brutal
divorce for years,

and he was gonna spend
Thanksgiving alone.

Phil thought it'd be a good idea

if he spent the day with
a happy, functional family.

We couldn't find one,
so he's coming with us.

- So, where's Haley?
- She's with Rainer.

They've been seeing a lot of
each other, which is great.

Funny thing is,
he was my friend first,

but now I never see him.
Or Haley.

- Phil.
- It's what everybody's thinking.

I don't want people
walking on eggshells

'cause he was my friend first,
but now I never see him.

Or Haley.

I'm only allowed to see
my children once a week.

I hardly know them.

Oh, well, Clark's
head of the math club,

and Tina's turned
into a bit of a slut.

Thanks for the update.

- Okay, there they are!
- Hi!

Don't y'all look as pretty
as a peach pie

on a Sunday afternoon?

For the love of God,

this is the last thing
I need today.

Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up
with the giant watch?

It's my doctor being
a pain in the butt.

One high reading,
I got this thing

taking my blood pressure
all day.

Wait, are you okay?

No. He needs to quit cigars
and the terrible food.

Last week,
I caught him in the garage

eating a Polish sausage.

What a man does
behind his water heater

is his own business.

Don't worry about it.
I've got it beat.

Here's my trick.

As soon as this thing goes off,

I start singing
sweet '70s soft rock

to mellow myself out.

Those songs could do anything.

Seals and Crofts came on,

lady's bell bottoms came off.

- Well...
- Hey, y'all.

Anybody have a hankering
for a hush puppy?

Oh, geez.

♪ Summer breeze ♪

♪ Makes me feel fine ♪

- What is going on here?
- ♪ Blowing through the jas- ♪

It's a Thanksgiving jamboree!

We have bales of hay.
We have a cider press.

Ooh, we're even
deep-frying a turkey.

And you're on-board
with this?

Yes! Come on,
it's good country fun.

No.

For Cam, maybe.

What is happening?
Is he hitting you?

No.

You did something, didn't you?

You did!

I didn't do anything.

I'm --
I'm loving this, okay?

Mm-hmm.

That takes practice.

No, I am not leaving here
until you tell me what you did.

Can I get you a mason jar
of Chardonnay?

Giddy up.

Mr. Student Council
President,

have you had a chance to look
at my proposal

updating the honor code to
address cyber-bullying?

One second.

Why would you call me that?

Luke somehow beat me in
the election for president,

and I still can't get over it.

Not to be hyperbolic,
but humans are a decade away

from fighting apes on horseback.

You're trying to tell me

that there's absolutely nothing
weird going on here?

You are dressed like a character

out of
"It's Raining Mice and Men."

I don't know what you're
talking about, okay?

I am enjoying this
more than a farm animal

missing a limb engaged in...

some sort of activity.

Okay, I did something bad.

I knew it.

Yeah, yeah, something real bad.

I need Cam in a good mood
before I tell him.

Is it infidelity?
If feels like infidelity.

- I can't say.
- Hey, Mitchell?

It's your turn to feel
the burn on the churn!

Well, then I "butter"
get over there.

Okay, come on!

Hey, Dwight.

Ma'am.

So, did they just happen
to have this costume

lying around in your size?

Weirdly, they did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, Dwight

has one of the most important
games of the season next week

and I can't have you
getting him sick.

Yeah, I'm over the mono.

But it could still be
contagious,

and I have a fun
costume idea for you.

How about being an old-timey
bank robber?

You gotta cover that face
before the marshal gets to town.

Hi!
Oh, what happened?

Oh, nothing,
just a Korean laser peel.

Hurt like hell, but once
the skin regenerates,

it's gonna take ten years off
these money makers.

Hey! There she is.

Thanks for dropping her off.

Uh, actually, Rainer's daughter
is with her mom,

so I invited him to spend
Thanksgiving with us.

I am loving this country theme!

This reminds me of when I worked
for Newscenter Twelve

in Tulsa, except no one here's
bitter and drunk.

Gosh, I would hate for you
to feel weird, though,

since this is just for family.

Isn't that our old
neighbor, Jerry,

stuffing appetizers
into a ziplock?

You know what, Rainer, you are
more than welcome to stay.

Thank you.

Okay, well, I guess
the main thing

is all the Dunphys are here.

Hey, Rainer, what's the weather
going to be like for tomorrow?

Clear and sunny skies,
highs in the mid 70s,

but hang onto that umbrella
'cause Monday...

Yeah, I just needed tomorrow,

because that's when we're having
our big family football game.

Remember last year?

We ran that play?

The Haley Mary?

Uh, but tomorrow
we're supposed...

To have sunny weather?
Yeah, you said that.

Rainer's taking me to Cabo
for the weekend.

So, I had a problem.

I wasn't sure if my hairdryer

ran on Mexican electricity.

Oh, and telling my dad.

I had two problems.

Synced and corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

Doctor's call it
"hysterical impotence."

There's nothing physically
wrong, per Se.

But because of
my divorce trauma,

I guess I'm rewired down there.

I get it.

Okay, city slickers,

guess who has a genuine petting
zoo in the backyard?

♪ Summer breeze ♪

♪ Makes me feel fine ♪

All right!

Wow!

Animals!

Oh, Cam, and you had
the scarecrow

made to look like Mitch!

No, no, no, my mom sent that out
from Missouri.

I grew up with that.

I even learned
how to dance with it.

I guess, now that you mention
it, I do have a-a type.

Hey, what's on this goat's head?

That's my big idea --

A camera to capture
everyone's delight!

Guess what I call it.

Goat-Pro?

That's also a...
good name, yep.

Look, Joe.
This is a goat.

Ahh, I'm scared!

No, no, no, there's nothing
to be scared of.

That's the way he says,
"I love you."

Of all the animals,
this one is the one

that sounds the most like
an informer being tortured.

I cannot have another son
that is afraid of animals.

When Manny was 5,
he went to a petting zoo

with a backpack
full of truffle popcorn.

By the time they pulled
the pigs off him,

he was only wearing one sock.

Joe, relax.

Animals don't attack people
for no reason.

Let go of me!
Oh, let go of me!

- Run, Jerry! They do terrible things!
- Shh!

Ohh!

Hey. Good news.

The box of hair products
we pre-shipped has arrived

and is waiting for us
at the resort.

I don't care about
our hair anymore.

Hey!
That's crazy talk.

I still haven't gotten up
the guts to tell my parents.

My mom will be cool,
but my dad is gonna freak out.

Well, I'll tell him.

Your dad and I are buds.

And I am excellent at delivering
bad news with a smile.

And that means the Coast Guard

will be spending the holidays
with their families,

because the search
has been called off.

Wow, you're good.

Phil. Hey.

I know we haven't been spending
enough time together lately,

but I scored this amazing villa
in Cabo for the weekend,

and I wanted to take
a special someone.

Listening.

I know you have your big
family football game,

but it's right on the water.

Horseback riding on the beach.

I see us both in white shirts.

Phil.

Claire, I know.

It sounds like the best weekend
of my life, mi amigo,

but I can't.

It's family time.

He wants to take Haley.

Yeah.

Did you think I was asking you?

What... brother can't yank
a brother's chain?

You trippin'?

This guy!

I'll send you some pictures.

- Okay.
- But not from the nude beach. Ooh!

Oh, that's funny 'cause
it's my naked daughter!

And you're taking her away!

It's okay.

See? They like it
when you pet them.

And when you look
into their eyes,

you can see that
they're very smart.

They have a very deep soul.

What's his name?

Name? It's a goat.
Just touch it.

I know it's a bummer,
Haley going to Cabo.

I wouldn't salt those
margarita glasses just yet.

Once I remind her how much fun
Thanksgiving weekend is here,

she's not going anywhere.

Well, I hope it goes better
than your big presentation

on why the Ice Capades
were cooler than Coachella.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi.

I heard you had some tentative
travel plans.

Actually, we just checked in
for our flight online.

Thanks for being so cool
about this.

Of course. Mmm.

Potable water.

We take this stuff

for granted stateside, don't we?

It's a five-star resort.
I'm sure we'll be fine.

Smell those side dishes.

They're gonna be
even better tomorrow

at the post-game picnic.

You know what's not a picnic?

Putting on your bedroom slipper

and getting an ankle full
of scorpion.

Thanks, Dad.
I'll take my chances.

That's what you said
about Coachella,

and you missed Kristi Yamaguchi
doing a triple twist lift

with Jiminy Cricket.

What?

You are not allowed to eat those
with your blood pressure.

Don't worry. These chips won't
show up for a couple of weeks,

and by then
I'll have switched doctors.

Sorry, Gloria's orders.

Hey, Jay, looks like you could
use a little square dance.

That would be about the last...

♪ Ho, grab your partner,
swing 'em 'round ♪

♪ Put on your best suit
and go to town ♪

Cam, why are you...

♪ Eat some corn
and ride a horse ♪

♪ Are we having fun?
Why, yes, of course! ♪

That's it!
I'm out of here!

Huh?

I need some aspirin.
I'm going to a pharmacy.

I'm coming too.
No reason.

Apparently, you don't need
a reason to leave your family.

I'll go too.
I'm out of Ramen and Xanax.

What's happening?

This is what we
in the weather game

refer to as a
"high-pressure system."

This reminds me of the time

I walked in on you
watching "Top Gun".

You need to stop
telling that story.

Whatever you did to Cam,
it can't have been that bad.

And it is not worth this.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm worrying too much.

You are.

I gave Cam's Fizbo costume away.

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill
everyone in the house.

The truck was here,
and there were so many boxes,

and you know how excited
I get about a deduction.

Listen to me.

He's not going to believe
that this was an accident.

You can never, ever tell him.

He's gonna know it's missing.

I mean, he pulls it out
for everything.

Birthday parties, brunches,
hot yoga...

- Blah.
- Mm-hmm.

I-I need to wait
for the right moment.

There's not gonna be
a right moment.

Hey, ain't nothing in the world
that can get me down

when I'm holding
a little piglet.

Look at her!

It's time.
Sweetie?

- Don't do it.
- Don't do what?

I need you to sit down for this.

Take a bale.

Think of the children.

Lily, Dwight.

Um...

I gave Fizbo away.

What?

I know how much that costume
meant to you,

and I am so, so sorry.

Well, it's a lot to process.

- I know.
- Accidents do happen.

And I am holding
a little piglet.

I forgive you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a turkey to deep fry.

Here.
Hold Connor.

No, I Okay.

I married the sweetest,

most understanding man
on the planet.

Or he did something
even worse to you

and wants to get you
in a good mood.

No.

Yes!

Hey!

You don't have to
cover your face.

I don't care what Coach Cam
says about mono.

You're way too pretty.

Oh, no.

I mean, listen, I'm flattered,

but even though you are
so, so tall

you are in high school
and I'm...

Very beautiful.

Well...

I was going to say,
"in college," but thanks.

Stop it, oh, my God!

Ugh! Dad is killing me.

He's trying to guilt trip me
out of going to Cabo.

When is he gonna let me
live my own life?

Maybe when you stop living
out of his basement

and eating all of his food.

You're right.
I am a victim.

I should get this tiny mouthwash
for Haley.

It's the abandon-your-family
travel size.

Oh, dear God.

I know -- Corn Nuts,
two-for-one sale.

I feel like God's giving me
the middle finger.

No. That's my wife's
divorce lawyer.

I can't believe it.

That bastard was my ex's lawyer.

- Are you kidding me?
- Whoa.

I bet he's here to buy
some extra-small condoms,

the kind that they keep
behind the counter.

Shut up.

I keep having this dream
that he's dying of thirst

in the desert,
and I hit him with my car.

- I thought you were over it.
- I thought I was.

Let's get out of here
before my cuff explodes.

Yeah, he already ruined
my family.

I don't want him to ruin
my Thanksgiving too.

No.

We're not going anywhere.

It's time someone stood up

to the weasels who sweep
into our lives,

break up our families,
and take our loved ones to Cabo.

I feel like you're making this
about you, but you're right.

Do you know when my high
blood pressure started?

When I met that guy.

Is this when someone's supposed
to say, "Get him!"

- No.
- You hold him down.

I'm gonna beat him
with this orthopedic shoe.

Come here!

Let's not lock into
our -- our first idea.

I love you, Mr. Goat!

Aw, you see, Joe?

You listen to Mommy, and now
you have a new best friend.

What?

You're cold?
I'll go get you a blanket!

Well, if he was going to get
the pig a blanket,

you know what that
would be called.

Pig in a blanket?

Okay, I teed that one up
for you.

All right,
it's time to fry this turkey.

Somebody please lower
my splatter goggles, boys?

You heard him.

You do it.

You're not the president
of goggle lowering.

I would be if they took a vote.

What could Cam have done?

Maybe he's the one
who's having an affair.

I saw a list of clues
in a magazine.

Has he joined a gym or bought
sexy new underwear recently?

I think it's sweet
that you think

we're capable of having an
affair, but we're just so tired.

All right now, boys,

the key is you drop it
nice and gentle like.

Mono!

Runaway goat!

Ay!

Aw, you wanted to run
to the barn!

Aw!

Let me put a positive spin
on this.

Who here likes goat?

Hello, you son of a bitch.

Hope you like that deodorant,
'cause you stink!

Wart remover --

Well, if that works,
there'll be nothing left.

Well, well, well.
Norbert and Pritchett.

Jay, I don't think
I ever got a chance

to thank you for buying me
my first Ferrari.

I wish you drove it off a cliff.

Like the one my house is on,

which you also paid for,
thank you?

This doesn't sound like
we're getting him.

Look, you want some
free legal advice, fellas?

Three words --
Ladies. Leave. Losers.

No, sir, we have three words
for you.

Have you no sh--
Have you --

Have no -- have you no shame --
It can be four words.

Who's this chuckle-head?

Someone who you're never
gonna know,

'cause I'm happily married
most of the time.

Aw, that's what they all say.

Then one day your wife wakes up
and says, "Oh, my God!

I married a moron!"

She calls me, and I'm like,
"Hello, Mrs. Chuckle--"

Yeah, that's about right.

He might have had
a heart attack.

We probably ought
to do something.

Oh, I saw some champagne
back there.

It's the guy on the ground!

Oh! Take the defibrillator,
I'll call 911.

Guys, help me out.
I don't know what I'm doing.

I watch a lot of
"Grey's Anatomy,"

but I fast-forward through
the non-romantic scenes.

No no no, we're not
gonna save him!

Jerry, no, Jerry.

Jay, get him off me!

Look at his basket.
Wasn't much of a life.

Ohh!

Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.

I'm feeling better, Pritchett.
I think it was just gas.

Better safe than sorry.

Aah!

Oh, I deserve some of the blame.

I made my farmscape
too inviting.

Okay.
This is a mess.

What are we gonna do now?

Alex, how many goats have to die

until you get a handle
on your insatiable appetite

for high-school boys?

Actually, i-it's my fault.

Ooh, Dwight.
We're good-looking guys.

We don't apologize for it.

I got you a blanket,
Mr. Goat.

No, no, no, no, no!

We're going to wait for
Santa Claus by the chimney!

But it's Thanksgiving.

What about Mr. Goat?

How come I don't
hear him anymore?

Ay, Mr. Goat is fine!

Baaa!

Did you hear that?

What is it, Mr. Goat?

Baaa!

He's saying that he needs
some time alone.

Look, there's some cookies
for Santa.

Here, why don't you go and sit
by the chimney and wait.

Santa!

Hey lookit, it's not my place
to try to parent your kids.

Good.

But one thing we learn
on the farm

is that death is a part of life.

If you tell Joe what happened
to that goat,

death is gonna be part
of your life.

You know what, kids can handle
a lot more than you think.

And every step,
from birth till the end,

has its own magical beauty.

So, do we jam the goat
in the garbage

or heave it over the fence?

Teach your children well.

Hey.
Thanks for before.

You know, pushing me out
of the way of the goat.

Don't worry about it.

It's more about protecting
the office.

Look, I think we both know
you should have been president.

Maybe I've been hard on you
'cause I'm jealous.

Gloria: Yeah, okay.

You two keep making out
while I carry the dead goat.

Mr. Goat?

Baaaa?

Any suspicious activity
on that phone bill?

Well, Cam spent $100
on the psychic hotline...

but that's normal during
the run-up to award's season.

- Oh.
- Hey.

I just saw we were running out
of pumpkin dip,

and I know it's your favorite,
so I brought you some.

What's your game?

- Yeah, show us your underwear.
- What?

Why are we so understanding
about Fizbo, huh?

What are you hiding?

- Hiding?
- Mm-hmm.

Shame on you.

It's Thanksgiving.

I want to celebrate
with my husband,

my daughter,
my lovely family, Jerry.

I think it's sad
that you two look at life

as some sort of game
where everyone's trying

to get away with something.

Some people are just nice.

They bought it.

Truth is, I paid
for the jamboree

with money we had saved for
a romantic Hawaiian vacation.

I even sprung for fancy straw
bales flown in from Missouri.

Ohh. That's class.

The hell happened here?

I think I felt enough
for one day.

- Ohh!
- Oh!

It's possible I've been
electrocuted one too many times.

You know,
I learned something today.

I saw a man nearly die
right in front of me.

And this is a constant reminder

that it can happen to me
at any moment.

It's a lot to think about.

So I'm not gonna.

Phil, get me a beer.

Jerry, get me a scotch.

I learned something today, too.

It's a lot right now, Jerry.

Hey.

What's a matter, kid?

I loved Mr. Goat.

- He died.
- Ohh.

Please don't smoke.

Hey, don't you worry
about a thing, Joey.

I'm not going anywhere.

Dad, I don't care what you say.

I'm going to Cabo.

You sure are.

Sure, I'm gonna get kidnapped

by Aztecs and sacrificed
in a volcano.

- I get it.
- No, honey, I want you to go.

I-I'm sorry about earlier.
I was mad.

And instead of talking about it,

I pushed it down and it came out
in some ugly ways

with my beautiful daughter
and a lawyer who has warts.

Anyway, it's just
more and more of your life

is happening away from me,
and it's normal and good,

but it's hard.

Damn it, why do you have
to be so sweet?

Now I feel guilty.

Don't. Go to Cabo.
Have fun.

You know,
I could play football today.

Run that Haley Mary?

That would be so wonderful...

- Oh!
- Ow!

- Electrocuted again?
- Real bad.

- Okay, break!
- All right, everybody.

Welcome to the 15th annual
Thanksgiving football game,

being played a day early.

I'd be remiss
if I didn't mention

how beautiful it is that
we're all together.

Is it just me,
or can you feel the love...

Can we please do this?

- All right.
- Down!

Set.

Phil, we're good, right?
Oh, we're great.

You should really take Claire
to this resort.

Very romantic.

Blue, 39!

Heart-shaped jacuzzi
in every room.

Kansas City, Kansas City...

Actually, now I'm great.

Oh, my God, Dad.
Seriously?

Ahh.

Ah, what a beautiful day.

Oh, I am exhausted.

I'm counting down the days
till we're in Hawaii.

Sweetie, I don't know
if you can count that high.

You remember how cool I was
with the whole Fizbo thing?

Cam, you spent the Hawaii money
on this party, didn't you?

What is wrong with us?

From now on, can we just be
honest with each other,

all right?
No more games.

Deal.

Hey, daddies.
You look tired.

I made you some
grilled cheese sandwiches.

Love you.

- Well, there's something we did right.
- Yeah.

I needed them in a good mood.

I kept this from the petting zoo.

Synced and corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com