All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S05E05 - Bad Beat.eng.SDH

Hey, Charles, can we talk
in the briefing room for a sec?

There's a question I gotta ask you.

Mmm-hmm.

It's happening.

Jake is gonna pop the question.

-He's gonna ask me to be his BM.
-BOTH: No.

BM, best man, is a common abbreviation.

No one but you has ever used it.

I am so relieved.

I thought maybe he was
gonna ask one of Amy's brothers

or, ugh, Sarge.

Hey, man, come on.

PERALTA: Charles!

[MOUTHING]

Okay, so I know this is a lot to ask…

No, it's not. I want to do it.

You want to cover my shift this weekend

so I can go to the White Plains Mall

and meet Darryl Strawberry at
the opening of a cellphone store?

Yes.

It's exactly what I was hoping you'd ask.

Great. Thanks. You sure it's okay?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

I'm very happy about it.
It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

Uh, look at my smile. Have to go now.

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Jake! What do you say, bud?

Will you be my BM?

Yes! Yes, a million times, yes!

In your face, Terry!

What? I'm holding a sparkler for you.

I helped organize a lot of this.

Well, you can stick that
sparkler up your butt.

I'm the best man!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Captain, allow me to introduce you

to major East Coast arms dealer

Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

That's right, his nickname is
longer than his actual name.

Why's that, Terry? 'Cause he's a dick.

We got a warrant to bug
him, but his house is a fortress

and he never goes anywhere in public.

PERALTA: Luckily,
CI just gave us a break.

Valdano's gonna actually leave his house

to go to a high stakes
poker game this Friday.

If we can get a seat at that table,

we can lose this watch to him.

And guess what. It's…

BOTH: Bugged! Yes, it's bugged.

Good guess, Captain.

The plan is, we go to the club tonight,

show off our poker
skills, and get an invite

to the high stakes game.

All we need is $15,000
to get in the door.

That's a lot of money.
How are your poker skills?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] A'ight.

Good. A'ight.

Hecka good. A'ight.

So good. Perhaps I should see for myself.

Oh. Do you play? I am…

-A'ight.
-PERALTA: Damn, Cap.

Are you secretly cool?
Well, poker is just math,

so I guess it depends on if you consider

the mathematician Carl
Friedrich Gauss cool.

I do not.

All right, let's play some cards.

Sarge asked me to help
you guys with some filing.

Holy crap, this is gonna take all day.

Yup, it's what we call an all-dayer.

How long did it take you
two to come up with that?

That was a two-dayer.

Okay, well, hand me some files.

You're not gonna bother actually walking?

Why should we?
We can work from down here.

I'm sitting down as long as I can.

I'm not getting out of the chair

till it's time to go home.

Ugh. Oh, typical standing elite.

You couldn't sit all day if you tried.

What? You don't think I could
outlast you turds in a chair?

Honey, you don't have the ass for it.

Let's talk terms.

Both cheeks on the cushion at all times.

Obviously. Bathroom breaks?

Two and a half minutes every three hours.

But you gotta roll the
chair fully into the stall.

Obviously. Okay.

Let's do this.
Welcome to the Buttlympics.

I call to order the meeting of investors

in the forthcoming Charles
Boyle owned-and-operated

food truck venture.

I know I'm the only investor,

but is it cool if I take minutes?

Yes. Put this down, we got a truck.

What? Really? That's huge.

Take a look.

Is that the NYPD police auction site?

Yeah, that's how I found out about it.

And there's our baby. Isn't she a…

Murder truck?

That's the truck from the
Tinga Time Taco murders!

Yes, two brothers were using a taco truck

to move heroin and then
were killed by the cartel

that supplied them.
Not just killed, Boyle.

Dismembered. Right in the truck.

Right in our truck.
That's why it was such bargain.

Everyone else was like,
"Ooh, there's a knee in the fryer.

"I don't want to sell food out of this."

They found a knee in the fryer?

Exactly. You get it.

Well, now I get to go pick it up.

Oh, almost forgot my hazmat suit.

[CHUCKLES]

And… I win again.

Which is not surprising,
given how you are both terrible.

You don't even know the terminology.

What are you talking about? "Hit me."

That is blackjack.

Snake-eyes. Craps.

Go Fish. And I believe that is

-Go Fish.
-JEFFORDS: Fine.

Jake stinks, but I can play.

Yes, but you have a
rather unfortunate tell,

your right breast.

Oh, no. My cards are terrible.

Sure they are.

Damn it, Eugene, you sold me out!

Captain, do I have a tell?

No, you don't understand
the game well enough

to have a tell. Yeah, that makes sense.

What about you? What's your tell?

It is subtle. You will never discern it.

Oh, really? Well, challenge accepted.

Tell me a lie.

You're both great at poker

and I'm not gonna cancel the mission.

Nope, I couldn't see it. Wait, what?

You're canceling the mission?
You can't do that.

This is our only shot
at catching Valdano.

It's a foolish plan.
Neither of you have any chance

of making it to the VIP table.

But maybe you could. What if you played?

No, I don't gamble anymore.

A few years back I had a minor addiction,

specifically involving…

The ponies.

I'd like to bet $20,000 on

Yabba Dabba Doo.

Sadly, Yabba Dabba Doo stumbled

and had to be put
down in front all of us.

-Oh. That's fun.
-HOLT: Wait.

What if I never went inside the casino?

I could be outside in a surveillance van,

telling Peralta what to do.

Smart.
That way you never technically gamble.

-Right.
-JEFFORDS: I don't know.

Addiction is nothing to fool around with.

I had food issues.
I ate a crate of hams once.

Yeah, and look at you now.

You're like a super-jacked
He-Man guy, right?

It's settled, we'll go
with the Captain's plan.

Here's your persona.
You're Billy "Big Time" Jankowski.

You wear sunglasses, headphones,

and an unwashed hoodie.

You normally gamble online,

from your mother's
basement, where you live.

Seems unnecessary.

The hoodie hides your
sunglass-camera's electronics.

I more meant the living in my
mom's basement virgin vibe.

You added the virgin, but I like it.

It's part of your backstory now.

But… You're a virgin.

That's an order.

But I don't want to be a virgin again.

PERALTA [OVER RADIO]:
Okay, I'm approaching the table.

Evening, gentlemen.
Let's play some cards.

And now, Peralta, say the following…

I'm coming in under the gun,

and I've 15K behind.

Okay.

DEALER: Action's on you.

HOLT: Mmm, tasty. Raise it 500.

Raise it five hundo.

Made up my own. What?

I'm just talking to myself.

I'm used to playing
online, so it's not weird.

Well, well, well.

You flopped the absolute nuts, Peralta.

Go all in.

Are you sure? On the first hand, Captain?

It's what the math dictates.

At this moment, there are no
two cards that can beat Peralta.

I'm all in. And now they all fold

like so much recently dried linen.

I'll call. What an idiot.

DEALER: Two players.

What? Full house wins.

Yes! No, he won, not you.

You're out of chips.

PERALTA: Oh, well, that sucks.

Guess I'll just head back
to my mom's basement.

I'm a virgin.

All clear. No poopers.

Repeat, no poopers.

That was a disaster.

I thought Holt was
supposed to be great at this.

-Any poopers?
-JEFFORDS: All clear.

What happened, Captain? [SCOFFS]

That imbecile in the trucker hat

hit both his runners and
sucked out on the river.

Yeah, he did. What does that mean?

Not to worry.

The odds of that happening
again are infinitesimal.

Not that it matters.
Since we're out of money.

Oh, but we're not.

Where'd this come from? It's my money.

There are 25 ATMs in this place.

Even the fire exit has one.

You want us to use your own money?

You sure that's a good idea?

I haven't placed a bet or touched a card.

I'm fine.

Technically that is true.

Trust me, the math is in our favor.

All right, let's get back in
there and suck out two runners

down by the river.

Did I say that right? Not even close.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Still, let's get in there
and suck 'em out.

No time like the present.

And no place to do it
like the men's bathroom,

to leave from here

to go do what we're talking about.

Ugh. Nine hours and 55 minutes.

Is it? I feel like I just sat down.

I have no feeling down there whatsoever.

[GROANS] I haven't in years.

I'm doing great too.
This has been a piece of ca…

Oh, butt cramp. Butt cramp!

HITCHCOCK: That sounds painful.

I bet you could use some electrolytes.

Give me that! That's mine. Come get it.

You'll never catch me!

Oh, won't I?

Oh!

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Cramp over.

And so is our shift.

Ha. And you thought I couldn't…

Wait, what are you doing?

You thought we were done
just because our shift was over?

Amateur. Oh.

So you wanna take
this thing into overtime?

Fine. I got no place to be.

Neither do I.

-I never do.
-DIAZ: Then it's agreed.

The games continue.

HOLT [OVER RADIO]:
And now you're going to…

Fold. Fold.

Fold. Fold.

Should we consider cutting our losses?

Hush, Sergeant. Our cards are coming.

And there she is.

You won.

I won. You won!

Won again. That's our straight.

And again, again. Hot damn!

Peralta, say "hot damn."

Hot damn! Now you say it.

Hot damn! Full house.

Eights over threes.

Good. Now say to the dealer…

Well, this has been fun.

But I'm sick of playing with

wittle wittle babies.

Is there a table for people
who wear big boy pants?

Actually, there's a
private game on Friday

I think you might like.

Much obliged.

Hey, there, bud. Hey.

Can we talk about the
murder truck we just purchased

with our very hard-earned money?

Oh, Amy, wait till you see her.

I spent all night pressure-washing her,

and she is spotless.

Yeah, it's just, what if word gets out

that our food truck was the
site of a double homicide?

What if word gets out?

It's in the "Our Story"
section of the menu.

We're calling it Murder Truck!

We are? Yeah!

It was your idea.
No, it was my greatest fear.

I can't believe you're
leaning into the murder thing.

Well, it'll get people talking.

Check out the menu.

It's printed on a crime scene photo.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Charles, we're gonna
lose all of our money.

Are you worried?

Oh, okay, I see what's happening.

Starting a business is very scary.

But I promise you,
once you see our truck,

you'll feel a lot better. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no! My truck!

My beautiful truck!

Someone ripped her apart!

Please tell me you got insurance.

I did. Okay, thank God.

Coverage starts tomorrow.

Well, Valdano's gonna be there tonight,

and the recording device
in the watch is transmitting.

I feel like Bond. Terry Bond.

Well, technically I'm the
one wearing the watch,

so that would make you Q at best.

Terry Q. Yeah. Way to roll with it.

Come on, let's tell Holt
we're prepped for tonight.

I gotta say, I was wrong about him.

He had no problem
walking away last night.

He left a lot of hams in that crate.

Juicy.

Spiral-cut, honey-sweet, but salty…

Sarge, come back to me. What?

You're the one that brought up ham.

-That was you.
-HOLT: Yes, yes, come to papa.

Raise it a grand! Call. Raise.

A pair of candy canes. I'm all in, baby.

What are you doing, sir?

Working the case.
Sharpening my poker skills for Valdano.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm,
and why are you watching

this children's beauty pageant?

For fun, obviously.

No, Jayla, don't drop the baton.

No, I had so much riding on you!

Oh, no. He is deep in the ham crate.

Are you sure about this? Yes.

Captain Holt's been in his
office gambling for hours.

Our only choice is
to cut off his internet.

No, I mean, are you sure
you know how to do that?

Of course. I just have to pull this…

Oh!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Argh! Wrong wire.

Yep, we'll… We'll fix that later.

And…

HOLT: What the hell? Got it.

Having trouble with your internet, sir?

He's not here. Where'd he go?

Roof.

JEFFORDS: What are you doing?

Trying to pick up a Wi-Fi
signal from across the street.

I've got $8,000 riding on little Jayla.

Don't you think you have
a bit of a problem here, sir?

I'm in complete control.

Now, Terry, come over here and dangle me

off the edge of this building.

Sir, I am not going to dangle you

off the side of this building.

You're fired.
Peralta, let me climb onto your shoulders.

I can't… You're fired.

No one works here anymore.

Look, we need to have a
real talk about your gambling.

Relapsing is nothing to be ashamed of.

A couple years ago on
my birthday I treated myself

to one piece of pizza.

I woke up the next morning in a
Sbarro on the Jersey Turnpike.

It wasn't even open!

That's not what's happening here.

I'm not weak like you.
I can stop whenever I want.

Then stop. I don't want.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go to the
Açai Bowl internet cafe.

Got a lot of money riding on the NLCS,

whatever the hell that is.

We can't let you do that.

And how exactly will you stop me?

We'll call your husband.

No.

No, I can't put Kevin
through this, not again.

You're right. I've lost control,

and I'm taking myself off this case.

And I'm not going anywhere
near gambling again.

You promise? From the bottom of my heart.

It's a dead issue.

I'm proud of you, sir.

So am I, Captain.

So I'm sorry.
Terry, you went to Jersey for pizza?

I had a problem, man!

Right, sorry.

Ugh, how long have we been sitting?

My butt's lost track of time.

Coming up on 32 hours.

[SIGHS] I miss the little things.

Showers. Feeling my feet.

Standing. I miss my home chair.

You miss a chair?

I just want to walk up to
the hot dog stand out front

and get a fresh wiener.

Oh, man. Why did you say that?
Now I want one.

-So you should go get one.
-HITCHCOCK: Oh, and let you win?

You're just trying to get us to stand up.

No. We should all go get one…

-In our chairs.
-HITCHCOCK: She's right.

The only thing holding
us back is society.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Mmm. So good.

-I got it. No.
-[MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS]

-My ass.
-SCULLY: It left the chair.

I'm sorry, man.

No. It was my time.

It's our time, too.

We've been through hell together.

Now we stand together.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

Nope. Legs are dead.

Going down.

-[THUD]
-[SCULLY GROANS]

Charles, what are you doing?

I know having our truck smashed to bits

was a bit of a setback, but
don't worry, I have an idea.

The truck was deconstructed so we do…

Not have a business anymore?

No. We do deconstructed food.

For instance, a
deconstructed meatball sub,

a meatball, rolled in breadcrumbs

with a caramelized tomato sauce drizzle.

Taste it. Charles,

I appreciate that you're
trying to fix this situation,

but you don't have to.

I have great news.

I know who robbed us.

The cartel who did the taco truck murders

ripped apart the truck,
because there was heroin

still inside it.

We found opioid traces behind the fridge.

I had forensics scour the truck for DNA

and we got a match, a cartel enforcer.

Do you know what this means?

The truck becomes a crime scene again.

Yes! It's been impounded.
We get our money back!

Great.

I'm glad you get your money back.

You can invest it in something

you actually believe in instead of…

My balls.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have 50 pounds of meat

I have to return before it goes rotten.

Like my dreams.

JEFFORDS: There's Valdano.
The watch is transmitting.

All you have to do is lose it to him.

-Worst of luck to you.
-PERALTA: Don't worry, Terry.

I'm about to crap the bed.

Evening, gentlemen. Ready for some poker?

That's why we're here.

[LAUGHS] Good one, stranger.

I'll take 150.

HOLT: Hot damn!

Four queens.

I call this hand the Golden Girls.

Damn it. Oh, you would look at that.

My mom's calling me.
She's flipping her lid

because she found all my
nudie mags in the basement.

Anyways, BRB.

What happened to not wanting
to gamble anymore for Kevin?

Sir, you are spiraling.
You lied straight to our faces.

Well, that's on you.

If you could spot my
tell, you would've known.

Fine. What's your tell?

Let's just say, I'm doing it right now.

I'm doing it at this very moment.

Is it standing up?
I've just done it again.

Whoops, there's another time.

I don't understand.
Even if you wanted to gamble,

why come here, where we'd be?

I lost a lot of money
on lame little Jayla,

and I realized that's
because I've been gambling

instead of being down here
doing what I'm good at. Math.

Now go get Valdano
before you blow your covers.

I'm off duty, what I do on my
own time is my own business.

Unlike you two who are still on the clock

and are now being bad cops.

Wow, listen to you talking all smooth.

But you can't fool us, sir.

You might as well face it.

You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer.

Come on, Sarge. Let's go.

So you're a cop.

[SOFTLY] There was a pooper.

Sorry about that.

Crisis averted, I told
her I read the magazines

for the articles. She totally bought it.

Wait a sec, where are you going?

Got called away on business.

Come back next Friday, I'll
take your money from you then.

[LAUGHS]

Well, we'll just see
about that, Mr. Cool Voice.

His voice is really cool.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

So I understand you're a cop

who's trying to bring me down.

Why don't we take a little drive?

Why did you stay at the table so long

after Valdano was already gone?

It would've been suspicious
if I left right after he did,

so I played a couple hands.

Come on, let's grab
Holt and get out of here.

Wait. Where's Holt?

So what was your plan, cop?

Does it matter?
We failed and now you know we're onto you.

You get to come out ahead tonight,

provided you don't do
anything dumb right now.

[PHONE BUZZES]

My colleagues are calling,

probably wondering where I am.

Then put their minds at ease.

-Yes?
-PERALTA: Captain.

We're leaving. Where are you?

I've already left.
I don't enjoy being judged,

so I'm on my way to
Atlantic City for the weekend.

I'll be gambling.

No, sir, please just come back, okay?

Terry and I will keep you company.

We'll go to a museum.

One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Forget it. I shouldn't've answered.

[EXHALES]

Bye-bye, Toxic.

Bye-bye, Party in the USA.

Hey, Charles. What are you doing?

I'm deleting all the upbeat
music off my computer.

I know you're down, but…

Bye-bye, Swish Swish Bish.

Look, I feel really bad
about the way I treated you.

Well, you shouldn't.

You're the only one who
saw that my dream was stupid

and then you got me all my money back.

Well, after you left, I
tried one of your meatballs

and then another.

And another. I couldn't stop

because they were so damn good.

Really? You liked them?

I loved them.
I should have tried them earlier.

I lost track of the fact
that this whole thing

was supposed to be about your food.

I think we should buy another food truck.

You do? Yes.

But I have some conditions.

One, it cannot be a crime scene.

Two, you have to get
insurance on day one.

Three, you have to keep
dreaming up amazing things to cook.

You're so good, Boyle.

Deal! We're gonna buy a food truck!

We're gonna get a food truck! Yes!

Stop!

I ate too many meatballs.

Oh.

HOLT: Where we going? Atlantic City.

That's where you told
your friends you'd be,

so that's where they'll find your body.

I'm a captain in the NYPD.

Yeah, and you're also a
known gambling addict.

You lost all your money in AC

and then drowned yourself in the ocean.

-[TIRES SCREECH]
-[HORN BLARES]

-[ALL GRUNT]
-Stay down!

JEFFORDS: NYPD!
Keep your hands on the wheel.

[SIGHS] Hey there, Captain Holt.

We just saved your big ol' butt.

Hello, Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

Guess what?

JEFFORDS: You're a dick!

Yeah.

How did you find me?

We traced your phone
and tracked down the limo.

Wait.
How did you even know I was in trouble?

I figured out your tell.

When you're lying, you use contractions.

Lots of 'em.

I've lost control.

I'm taking myself off the case.

I've just done it again.

Whoops. There's another time.

I shouldn't've answered.

Shouldn't've answered.

Shouldn't've…

It was the "shouldn't've"
that finally tipped me off.

I've never heard you use a
double contraction before.

And you never will again.

I was at rock bottom.

I feel so embarrassed.

JEFFORDS: I understand. I've been there.

I once ate a box of uncooked
rice in a movie theater.

Wow, really?

Jake. I'm sorry.

I owe you two a
tremendous debt of gratitude.

I was overwhelmed by my addiction

and you were there for me.

Of course, sir. We'd do anything for you.

Perhaps you two would take me

to a meeting of Gambler's Anonymous.

Absolutely. And, Jake, before we go,

I need to admit one more thing.
Of course, anything.

When I made you tell that table

that you were living in
your mother's basement,

it wasn't for the case.

I was just messing with you.

Oh, well played, sir.

But the joke's on you.

My mother has a fantastic basement.

Title of your sex tape. Too soon?

All right, let's go.

Hey, standing desk.

Look who's taking care of herself.

Someone's not sitting down on the job.

Hey.

Sitting down on the job
is damned hard work,

and those heroes prove it every day.

DIAZ: Mad respect.

Okay. Sorry.

Seriously, you guys should
stand up once in a while.

You know, for your hearts.

[LAUGHING]