Original subtitles

[door opens]

[Luis beatboxing]

JULIO: Ugh, don't start, please.

[beatboxing continues]

Too early in the morning for that.

[beatboxing continues]

Why are you in such a good mood anyway?

- 'Cause I'm about to graduate.

This is my last delivery.

Guess I'm gonna have to find a new jale after this.

- I can't believe I'm actually gonna miss your annoying ass around here.

- Oh, yeah?

- Nope. Bitch-ass parasite.

[beatboxing continues]

- Fuckity... fuck you, homey.

- Just hold those.

- Hurry up.

JULIO: Whoa!

- God... damn!

- Shit. Sorry, guys.

Uh, my alarm didn't go off.

- You're sleeping in the cupcake van?

MINISTER PAYNE: Yeah, just the last couple of weeks.

Hey, g-- Give me a minute. Let me get decent.

- Yeah, yeah. Take your time.

MINISTER PAYNE: Thank you.

- Can you believe that shit?

- Fuck, no. That verga was massive.

Shit was like a machete you cut down trees with.

- I'm worried about that fool.

I think he has elephantiasis.

That didn't look natural.

- You think he got dick enlargement surgery?

- With what money? He's sleeping in the van.

- Well, maybe that's where he spent all his feria.

JULIO: That's a good point.

LUIS: Man, you think you know a guy.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

♪

- It's been a rough couple of months.

The oven's been acting up,

we couldn't fulfill a few orders, that created a cash flow problem.

So I've been sinking my own money into the place,

and my ex-wife evicted me.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way, Julio.

Lord knows I've tried to shelter you from the truth.

- No, you haven't. You constantly complain about money,

and my paychecks are always late.

MINISTER PAYNE: Luckily, I learned

it takes like four months

before the phone company realizes

that you aren't paying any bills.

I'm a little worried about the electricity,

but so far those fuckers haven't turned us off yet.

And now we're out of soap!

I can't even take a whore's bath.

Pass me some paper towels, please.

- Well, what about our big donor Stan what's-his-name?

MINISTER PAYNE: No, I don't want that prick's money.

We got into a big fight

about his bullshit new stadium in Inglewood

and how it's displacing working-class people.

So he pulled the funding.

JULIO: Payne, why'd you piss that fool off?

He's been donating to us for years.

- All billionaires are pigs, Julio.

I'm tired of begging for their scraps.

JULIO: Jesus, Payne, I get that you don't like

groveling to the rich,

but you run a nonprofit.

Suck it up and learn how to fuckin' tap dance.

- Happy?

MAGGIE: What about this one? It's got a balcony.

- Great. I can jump off of it when I lose my job

and I can't pay my half of the rent.

- Dude, shut up. It's not that expensive.

- There's a $500 pet deposit.

You think Roger's worth that much?

- Roger, are you worth $500?

- Please don't make that voice.

- Wait. Shut up, shut up. [singsongy voice] Shut up.

I wanna watch this.

My law firm represents this douche.

NEWSCASTER: Richard Rowell,

scion of the controversial Rowell family,

inherited billions of dollars from his parents

who made their fortune through owning for-profit prisons.

Richard has been charged with a number of DUIs over the years,

but always escaped legal consequences until recently.

- I remember where I was when my lawyer first told me

that he got me off scot-free off of my seventh DUI.

I was in my jacuzzi, you know, jets on blast.

And I thought, "Something doesn't feel right."

So I shut off the jets and I felt much better.

And then I thought, "You know what else doesn't feel right?"

What my lawyer is saying.

So I told him.

"No. I belong in jail."

So that's when I decided to lock myself up

in one of my parents' prisons.

- No mames. These fools make me sick.

- We overbill him all the time,

but he has so much money he never even notices.

- I was in prison for a month, but it was a 31-day month,

and every day is like a week when you're doing hard time.

So really it was 31 weeks, which is almost a year.

- God. Yeah, and I mean, it was less time than what Mandela did,

but it was more time than what Shia LaBeouf did.

- Oh, come on.

- We have an enormous problem with mass incarceration in this country.

Okay, in our foundation,

what we wanna do is we wanna take a stand

because we feel privileged to be privileged enough

to help the least privileged members of our society.

- Hey, bet these guilty rich fucks would donate to Hugs Not Thugs.

- Yeah, they probably would.

I could put you guys in touch. My boss is tight with his publicist.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

JULIO: That’d be great.

Payne's really losing it.

I gotta step up and show that fool how it's done.

- I'm gonna make this happen for you.

- Thanks, boss. That'd be dope.

LUIS: I don't know what else to put.

- What was your last job?

- Well, I babysit my nephews, you know,

and I helped my tía and my grandma around the house.

- Put "childcare and hospitality."

LUIS: Hey, but what do I put for special skills?

- What can you do?

[beatboxing]

- Yeah.

- Just put Microsoft Word.

- Minister Payne.

You know those billionaires I was telling you about?

They wanna come by and get a tour and see what we're all about.

LUIS: Oh, hell, yeah, my boy!

I never met billionaires before.

I got a lot of questions for those fools.

- Those fuckers are only coming for the photo op.

They'll leave giving us nothing more than pennies.

I'd rather focus on increasing cupcake sales

or win a fucking scratch-off for once in my life.

- Payne, stop being a little bitch.

Look, I'll do all the work.

All you have to do is show up, smile, and look pretty.

- Fine. I'll fuckin' do it.

- So let's get you some new clothes, and an iron.

- It's good if I look like shit.

We're supposed to look like we need money.

JULIO: Yeah, but not that bad.

Crease your fuckin' pants, playboy.

You look like a fuckin' bum.

- I am a fuckin' bum. I live in a van.

- [beatboxing] ♪ Billionaires ♪

♪ Gonna give my, buh-huh, résumé to billionaires ♪

- You will not fuckin' beatbox for those billionaires.

♪

Luis, come on, take that banner down.

We can't make it seem like it's all about the money.

- Hey, well, what if we just cross off everything after "Bill"?

That could work. Because, you know, Bill's short for Richard.

- No, stupid. Bill's short for William.

The short form of Richard is Dick.

- Well, there ain't nothing short about Payne's Richard. [whistles]

- Honestly, I think I got PTSD from seeing that thing.

- Okay, Julio, here I am,

ready to be the smiling face of the organization.

- Dawg, come on. Your shirt has fuckin' holes in it.

Fabian, give Payne your shirt.

- It's my best shirt.

- Yeah, Julio, it's his best shirt.

- Stop fuckin' around and give him the shirt.

[helicopter blades whirring]

- Oh, shit, ghetto bird!

[whirring continues]

- Alright, everyone, the future of Hugs Not Thugs depends on today.

So act reformed, but we need their money, so not too reformed.

Hey, you ready to kiss some ass?

[smooches]

♪ marching band music playing ♪

[helicopter blades whirring]

- Hey, everyone, please meet Richard and Rhonda Rowell.

It's through the generosity of people like you

that a place like this is able to survive.

- Aw. Well, thank you for having us.

I mean, we are just so happy to be here.

- Yeah, I've had a small taste

of what everyone here has been through.

So I feel great empathy for your pain.

JULIO: Whoa! - Dominic, no, no need for that today.

That's okay. They're reformed. Harmless now.

- Hello. I'm Luis Hernandez, future entrepreneur.

- Well, alright! LUIS: Nice to meet you.

- Luis is a shining example of our program.

LUIS: Hey, but on the real though,

how'd you guys come up on all that money?

[Julio laughs nervously]

- Luis, our resident joker.

RICHARD: It's okay. I don't mind him asking.

I inherited all my money from my parents.

- Damn. That's smart.

- Let me introduce you to our fearless leader,

Minister Leonard Payne.

He really gives everything he has to the program.

No matter how frustrating a situation might be,

he selflessly does what he's supposed to do

for the greater good.

Always.

- Nice to meet you both.

- Oh, come here. - Oh, nice to meet you. What?

You're a great man. RHONDA: Hmm.

- We read all about you on the helicopter ride over.

- An angel in human form. That's what we're looking at.

RICHARD: Mm-hmm.

We should do some photos. RHONDA: Oh, let's get some photos.

- Smile.

Hey, let's take a tour.

This is our computer lab.

We make do with what we have.

But the truth is, we have more applicants than we can service at this facility.

And as you can see, we're sorely in need of new technology.

- Damn, these outdated computers just won't load.

Wish we weren't working on Windows 95. [Julio mouths]

[keyboard keys clacking]

- If only I had a new job,

I would be able to get a computer

and then I would get a new job.

And I would never go back to prison.

Before Hugs Not Thugs,

I didn't even have what computers were.

We need computers for the Internet.

Uh, you know, with Internet and computers,

we could connect more and you could follow me.

Thugs Not Hugs is a great place.

But we need money from kind rich white people.

No, no, I'm sorry, all people are the same.

I'm not racist for computers.

Computers is the future and we need some new computers 'cause these are,

you know, they're no good.

♪ tense music plays ♪

Recidivism. Thank you.

- Bravo. - Oh! Great.

[applause]

JULIO: On with the tour.

These pieces are done by our huggers in their art therapy class.

- Absolutely amazing work.

RHONDA: Oh, my God. I love this one of the crying peasant.

- That one's cool, I guess.

But have you seen this one?

It's a Luis Hernandez original.

RHONDA: Well, you are very good at drawing, Luis.

- Seems like a wonderful young lady. RHONDA: Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, she's nice.

- Hey, hey, hey! Cool it with the fuckin' flash.

Gonna give me a seizure.

- Uh, Luis, why don't you show our guests our tattoo removal center?

- Ooh!

- Right this way. - Okay.

- Hey, so I hear you guys own an island.

Maybe I could be your cabana boy, but not in a weird way.

- Get your fuckin' head in the game.

We're gonna get that money.

Now do what you do best and be empathetic as fuck.

Tell me you're gonna give 'em that Minister Payne magic.

- I'm gonna give them that Minister Payne magic.

- Damn right.

KIM: ...and by the time I got parole,

I had missed so much.

I was a grandmother.

This place has helped me get back on track.

But I've had to accept that my daughter'd never forgive me

for all those years I was away.

- Thank you for sharing, Kim.

Would anyone else like to share in our circle of trust?

Um, how about you, Richard?

I-I know you served time as well.

RICHARD: No, I was only in prison for a month.

I know it doesn't compare to what you've all been through.

- Oh, that's a really good point. JULIO: Hold up, Minister Payne.

Aren't you the one that's always saying all trauma is valid?

- I do say that, don't I?

Yeah, and, uh, and while it's true

that Richard's had a very different life than the rest of us, um,

I'm sure he's experienced his own unique version of trauma.

So, please tell us, what was it like growing up

the child of some of the wealthiest people on Earth?

RICHARD: Well, I--

I, uh, felt a sense of... guilt.

You know, like I didn't deserve the extreme privilege

that I was born into.

- It's very brave of you to say that.

RICHARD: Yeah, my parents owned a lot of prisons.

Many of you probably served time in one of my parents' prisons,

but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, they were so busy keeping inmates in check

that they basically just let me run wild.

The world was my playground.

You know, I just got away with everything.

So deep down,

I feel like maybe

I deserved to be punished.

ALL: Aw. - Ah, man, come on.

RHONDA: Mm.

- I'd say it sounds like you've been punished enough.

I mean, kids need boundaries,

clearly, you had none.

- I mean, I-I did have a trust fund and an international passport--

MINISTER PAYNE: But you didn't know love,

and you certainly didn't know consequence.

Some people here had no parents, had no money,

but I don't think anybody would want to trade places with you.

- Wow!

You mean that? MINISTER PAYNE: Yes.

You are a victim, Richard.

You deserve love as much as anybody.

♪

- Life just isn't fair, you know.

- You know, they call us huggers for a reason.

Come on, everyone.

You deserve it. - That's so nice. Thank you.

- Come on, spread the love with hugs.

RHONDA: Mm.

- And smile. Everyone, everyone, smile.

- [whispers] Payne?

- Smile.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[camera shutters clicking]

♪

[clicking intensifies]

♪

CHEF WILLIAMS: And first we have a baby spinach salad

with grilled smoked peaches.

Then for the main course, we have Wagyu beef with a seared foie gras.

I ain't gonna fuck around, goddamn it.

I'm salivating just thinking about all this scrumptious-ass food.

Y'all lucky I don't eat all this shit my goddamn myself.

Now please, enjoy the bounty of my labor.

RHONDA: Thank you. RICHARD: Thank you. Looks delicious.

Well, all that crying has me famished. - Oh.

RICHARD: If you don't mind, just help me out here.

Is this a salad fork or a dinner fork?

I can never tell which is which.

- Yeah. RHONDA: Such a gas.

- You know which fork it is.

- Pardon me?

- I said, you know which fuckin' fork it is,

you billionaire Illuminati fuck.

You people know all about fancy fuckin' forks

and fancy fuckin' spoons.

And I am sick to death of sucking up to monsters like you!

We don't need your fucking nickels and dimes.

We're doing just fine.

So fuck you and fuck the helicopter horse you rode in on!

Fuckin' electric company!

[sighs]

[beatboxing]

- ♪ We better find, uh-bop, find some candles ♪

- I completely understand if you don't want to stay for dinner.

Or donate any money at this point. Um--

Truth is, I've always had resentment towards rich people.

I've never had any money.

The little money I do have, I've sunk back into this place

and now I live in the van outside.

But the reason I do this is because

I really, really care about helping people

who have nobody at all to fight for them.

Literally, I would do anything for the people in this program,

so you can hate me,

but, uh, these people really need your help.

And I hope you can find it in your hearts not to punish the huggers for my behavior.

- Well, I mean, the truth is

we deserve to be yelled at.

You guys can't even keep the lights on and we came here in a chopper.

- I mean, nobody should have a billion dollars.

It's just, it's-it's too much.

[Rhonda laughing] RICHARD: It's too much.

I don't even know how many zeros are in a billion.

- No. RICHARD: Right?

- No. - A billion is like the opposite of zero.

So when you think about it, really,

there shouldn't be any zeros in it at all.

- Well, I just want to tell you I'm sorry for what I said.

RHONDA: No, don't you dare be sorry.

We need to hear this stuff.

- We wanna hear from all of you,

what you hate about us.

It's-it's good for us. - Yes.

- Let's-let's go. RHONDA: Come on.

- Julio, do you have anything to say?

And, please, just let us have it.

JULIO: Well, um,

I think you guys are nice.

Um, but I do kinda hate everything you represent.

RHONDA: Great. That's great. - I've heard that before.

RHONDA: That is really great.

Luis, I mean, you must despise us. Please don't hold back.

- Hell, no, I ain't a fuckin' hater.

I'll never pocket watch.

On the real, you fools are my idols. - Aw.

- Hey, maybe after I cabana boy for you for a while,

we can become close friends.

- Well, that sounds alright to me, Luis Hernandez.

Okay. [chuckles]

- Thankfully, the gas company hasn't caught on to us yet.

So dinner is still served.

RICHARD: Oh, look at it. This looks divine!

RHONDA: Ooh. JULIO: Hope I got the right fork.

[laughter]

- So I told him, "Why don't you take your stadium

"and shove it where the sun don't shine?

I'm sure it's gonna fit 'cause you're such a gaping asshole."

[laughter] - Wow.

RICHARD: You can't say that to a person!

Um, you know, speaking of people with too much money,

uh, how about we get down to brass tacks?

RHONDA: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Um, how much money do you think you need

to keep this wonderful place afloat?

- Oh!

A million dollars.

- A million dollars?

I mean, I was thinking more like ten million.

[all gasp, laugh]

- Ten million?

- I don't know how much this all costs, but it's gotta be a lot, right?

- You know what?

Why do we make it an even 15, gumdrop?

RICHARD: Fifteen million dollars.

- And for dessert, our famous cupcakes

made by our very own huggers.

RICHARD: Oh-oh. - Enjoy.

- Yay! MINISTER PAYNE: Chef.

RHONDA: Oh my!

RICHARD: I don't have my glasses. What does it say?

- Oh, it says "Hugs Not Thugs."

- "Hugs Not Thugs." - "Hugs Not Thugs."

RICHARD: Alright. RHONDA: Mm.

- Hmm. I like that. - Let's do it.

Everybody, wave to the camera.

Everybody wave.

Great. And that's enough.

Alright. That's enough. That's enough.

You can both go. Thank you so much. Wait in the chopper.

- Wow, I-I just don't know what to say.

Um, thank you so much for your generosity.

I was wrong about you two.

- Wait, we haven't given you the money yet.

- You know, some people consider sweets a guilty pleasure,

and we don't often indulge in dessert.

But my hubby and I, we have a guilty pleasure of our own.

- So, I mean, did you want to start telling them about our little thing?

RHONDA: Yes, I do, Richard.

- Alright, let's go for it. - Okay, great. Great.

RICHARD: Alright, here we go. RHONDA: Okay.

[clears throat] So--

I like it when he watches me have sex with poor people.

- I, um... I love it.

RHONDA: Mm.

We've just recently realized this is our little kink

'cause he needs to be punished for his wealth.

Don't you, Richard? Yeah? - Yes, I do.

RICHARD: Um, you see, she's the mommy,

one of you is the daddy,

and I'm the naughty little boy who needs to be punished.

RHONDA: Mm-hmm. - Are you fools for real?

RICHARD: of course. RHONDA: 100%.

- Now, the only thing left to decide

is which of you peasants is gonna have sex with me.

- I fuckin' knew it.

- Hey, pick me. I'm poor as fuck. RHONDA: Hmm.

- I don't even have a bank account.

And my bed is actually a couch in my tía's house.

- No. You can't do this to us!

- Okay, just get it over with, you fuckin' psychos.

Which one of us do you want?

♪

- Trust me, alright?

I might be short, but I got a lot of energy.

It's gonna be a good time.

- Wow. Honey, honey, honey, honey.

It is a spoil of poor people riches.

How will we ever choose? RICHARD: I know how, Mommy.

Can I? - Yes, you can, little Richie.

- Okay.

- Icka, bicka, soda cracker.

[Rhonda laughs]

RHONDA: I love that. - Icka, bicka, boo.

- Icka, bicka, soda cracker,

I choose y--

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,

five potato, six potato, seven potato.

And will you excuse me, sir?

Excuse me. I want to choose

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you.

Duck.

Duck.

Duck. [Rhonda chuckles]

Duck, duck. RHONDA: Oh. Hmm.

RICHARD: Duck.

Duck.

This is fun. RHONDA: Mm-hmm.

RICHARD: [chuckles] Duck.

♪ intense music playing ♪

♪

Duck. Duck.

Duck, duck.

Di-daddy-dee-goo-gooey.

Do... Goose.

LUIS: Damn!

[sighs] I could have been a high-end prostitute.

RHONDA: I just love how you

stood up to us earlier, Minister Payne.

I mean, it takes a lot of dignity to confront the rich.

And I find that dignity

is the only thing that poor people have.

So I'm gonna fuck it right outta you.

RICHARD: I have a good idea, Mommy.

I think we should do it in that van that he lives in.

RHONDA: Oh, the gross van.

Oh. Oh, yeah. So dirty. So dirty.

- I'm gonna go freshen up.

- Payne.

Payne!

Fuck these fools! You don't have to do this.

MINISTER PAYNE: Thank you for saying that, Julio,

but this organization is very important to me,

and it's my job to do whatever it takes to keep it going.

- No, fuck that!

- Julio, it's okay.

Hand me some paper towels.

Here.

- Thank you, Julio.

- Damn, Dr. Payne, you're a fuckin' G today!

I'm jealous, homey. Rhonda's fine as fuck.

- Thank you, Luis.

Now, if you will, a beat, please.

[beatboxing]

LUIS: Yeah.

- Fuck. I can't believe he's gonna go through with it.

Hope he's okay. - Who, Minister Payne?

With that big-ass camote?

He'll be fine.

It's Rhonda I'm worried about.

She's a nice lady, you know.

And after this, she's not gonna be able to walk anymore.

Payne's about to Million Dollar Baby that billion-dollar pussy, my boy.

- Did we get the computers?

♪ She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer playing ♪

- Yeah. Carlos, thanks to you,

we're about to get a lot of new computers.

- Yes!

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪

♪ So hard for it, honey ♪

♪

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪ So you better treat her right ♪

♪

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪

♪ So hard for it, honey ♪

♪

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪ So you better treat her right ♪

♪

♪ Onetta there in the corner stand ♪

♪ And she wonders where she is ♪

♪ And it's strange to her ♪

♪ Some people seem to have everything ♪

♪

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