All language subtitles for Resident.Alien.S02E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Previously
on "Resident Alien"...

- Calm down?
I can't calm down.

They're threatening
our families!

- If I knew something
important and dangerous,

I might've written it down.

- Holy shit!

- Who the hell
is Galvan/Powell Group?

- Why are you in New York?

You were supposed
to stay in Colorado

and do your goddamn work.

You have no idea
who you are dealing with.

- So where is this alien ball?

- I give you the ball,
I get my life back.

[gunshot]
[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

- My birthday's coming up.

I was wondering if you
want to do something that day.

- I would love that.

all: Surprise!
- [laughs]

♪

- [squeals]
- [screams]

- There's alien activity
here in Patience.

I know it.
- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna call
the Alien Tracker

and tell him
to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

- [squeals]
- [screams]

- I'm Goliath.
There's an alien race

that's planning
to take over the Earth.

[gunshot fires]
- Wha--ah--

- You should've
just stayed in Colorado

and done your job.
- You shot me.

- Yeah.
I should've never made you

kill Sam Hodges.

I should've just
taken care of it myself.

[cocks gun]
[gunshot]

[heart beating]
- [panting]

- Asta.
- [panting]

- Holy shit.
What the hell happened?

- He shot me.

- Okay,
we need to call an ambulance.

- No!
We do not need to do that.

This is a dangerous man.

- This is bad.
This is really bad.

- No, it is okay.

He's dead.

- Oh, God.

- Harry, Asta?
Y'all out here?

I heard gunfire!

Hello?

Sheriff's Department.

♪

Oh, shit!
- [clears throat]

- Oh, damn.
What y'all doin' out here?

Did y'all hear gunshots?
- Just a racoon.

I almost put down that varmint.

- I'm pretty sure I heard

two distinctly
different caliber gunshots.

- That was me.
I'm still celebrating.

It's my birthday!

- Yay, Harry.
Whoo-hoo.

- Oh, okay.

Damn, y'all scared
the shit out of me.

Anyway, it's good to see
y'all are all right.

Everybody else left.

They was wonderin'
where the two of you went.

- Yeah, I was thinking
the same thing.

I was like,
"Where did they go?

Don't tell me
they're off owl-hunting again."

But then, you know,
I went outside,

followed the hoots,
and there they were.

- Hoot, hoot.
- Hoot.

- So...
- Hoot.

- Yeah.

- Okay.
- So you guys have fun here.

Sheriff and I, no place to go
but away to our homes.

Thank you for the party.

- All right, yeah, um,
thanks for everything.

Party was pretty cool.

You might want to open
that window in your bathroom.

Smell like a good old-fashioned
hump house up in there.

- Ha ha!

- You know
what I'm talking about.

Yeah, that wasn't
no normal sex.

- No, I know.
- Ben and Kate.

- Yeah.
You don't know the half of it.

[suspenseful music]

- [sighs]
Oh, are you okay?

- No. Are you?

No.

♪

- Jesus, they took him out.
- What the hell we gonna do?

[thud]

- What was that?

[knocking]

- [squeals]
- [grunts]

- Vin!

Vinny!
[muffled screaming]

♪

[Brown Bird's "Bilgewater"]

[laidback acoustic strumming]

♪

- Death is not a loss
for my people,

not like it is for humans.

Where I am from,
everything that exists

is all part
of the same ecosystem.

When our life is over,
we simply change form

and return
to where we started,

part of the planet.

We never really die.

- Harry,
your blood is turning alien.

- The wound
is making me weaker.

I need you to take the bullet
out so that I can heal faster.

Human emotions
make death difficult for them.

It adds fear and sadness
to something very natural.

The man Asta shot
may have family

who will mourn
the end of his life.

But he also tried to kill me,
so rot into dirt, ham bag.

- [grunts]

- [grunts]

- Okay. Everyone's gone.

So do we want to talk
about the dead guy?

- He killed Sam Hodges.

- Yeah, that's right.

We followed clues in New York,
which led us to him.

- Found those clues.

- Yeah, and he knew
that we knew that--

- He knew we knew it.

- He, uh...what he did, and--
- He did it.

- So he came here to kill us.

- Tried to kill us.

- Right.
I was just gonna see

if you had, like, a woodchipper
I could chuck the body into.

- What?

No!
We have to tell the police!

We should've told Mike.
This is self-defense.

- You cannot do that.
If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you killed their friend,

and then they will come

and kill you and everyone
that is close to you.

- Wait, who are these people?

Sorry, I don't understand.

Is this why you've been
so secretive this whole time?

You were just investigating
Sam's murder?

Why didn't you just tell me?

- She did not tell you because
she didn't want you to know.

- I get it.
You were protecting me.

Well, now I'm protecting you,
okay?

Hey, no one's gonna hurt you.

Nothing bad's gonna happen,
all right?

I'm gonna go outside.
I'm gonna check the body,

and you are gonna stay here
with Harry, fix him up.

We got this.

Okay?
- Okay.

[door shuts]

Is she gonna be okay?

There's still
an alien baby outside.

- Do you mean the alien baby
who attached to my head

to warn me that
there is an evil alien race

planning on taking over Earth?

The gunshots scared it back
into the lake.

- Well, you're very lucky,

because if this had been
a few inches lower,

it would've hit your heart,
and you'd be dead.

- Mm.
- Wait. would you have died,

or would you just
turn back to alien?

- If the bullet
hit the human heart,

it would kill this body

before I could
turn back into an alien.

[laughs]

Then I would die too.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, Harry.

- I'm not dead.

I am alive
because you killed the bad man.

Thank you, Asta.

- You're welcome.

- I do not like this human
feeling of being almost-dead.

When I get a burnt potato
in my hashbrowns,

I put it to the side
of my plate and ignore it.

I will do the same with death.

I feel better already.

[Buffy Sainte-Marie's
"It's My Way"]

- ♪ I'm cutting my own way

♪ Through my own day

♪ And all I dare say

♪ Is it's my own

♪ The years I've known

♪ And the life I've grown

♪ Got a way I'm going

[car beeps]

♪ And it's my way

♪

- Well, I found his car.

I was wrong about tossing
the guy into a woodchipper.

Unless--
- I do not have a woodchipper!

- Well, we can't make him
disappear anyway.

We have to plant
the body somewhere.

He was staying
at the Copper Ridge,

that shitty motel
on the edge of town.

It's in the middle of nowhere,
quiet, no security cameras.

It's one of the top three
places to plant a body in town.

We'll bag the body, limit
how much DNA we get on it.

I'll drive his car
to the motel.

You two dump his body
in the hot tub out back.

- Mm.
- We want the body in hot water

to help muddy the evidence.

We'll plant his gun on him,
make him look shady.

Harry, you melt down
the rifle that shot him.

- Ha!
- All right,

now he's just a dead guy
in a hot tub at a shitty motel.

- "Law and Order."

- "CSI."

[quirky music]

♪

I'll go bring his car around.

- That's not the only thing
we will plant on him!

[squeals]

The medical records!

We must sneak these into the
trunk of Mr. Dead Guy's car,

and then when they find the
dead body, they will find these

and they will blame him
for Sam Hodges' death,

and then my name
will be cleared forever.

Your Honor,
the evidence is clear!

There is no evidence
to convict my client!

I rest my case!
Cun--

does "CSI" have
a "clung-clung?"

- That doesn't help me.

Harry, even if they think
that he killed Sam,

I still killed him.
- It will work.

Mayor Snowflake has asked me
to be the town doctor.

I will accept.
I will do the autopsy.

I will fake the results.

I will make sure that
Sheriff Hat and Deputy Sadsmile

do not think you did it.

- [sighs]

[suspenseful music]

- "Frankenstein"
by Mary Shelley.

This audiobook is read to you
by Ms. Judith Cooper.

"Letter One.
To Mrs. Savi--"

Sa--Savayle?

Say, Say-vayle.
I--one of those.

- Hey there, skank-arooni.

- Oh, hey!

- Are you still trying to get
that audiobook thing going?

- Oh, yeah.
I got a new microphone.

So it's, like,
really professional now.

- Oh, it looks like you're
still recording right now.

- Oh, yeah.
It doesn't matter.

Do you wanna watch me
in action?

- Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Okay.

"The commencement
of an enterprise,

which you have regarded
with such evil forebodings."

[laughs]
This one is gonna scare

the poop out of my butt.

- Yeah, I don't think
that part's in the book.

But I brought you these,
though, from a party I was at.

- Oh! Deviled eggs.

I didn't know about a party.
That's so weird.

- Hmm.
- Oh, I bet

you probably tried to call me,

but my phone is,
like, so crazy.

Thank you.
Yummers.

[muffled]
Oh, my God--

so good.
[laughs]

- Human corpses decay
and get smelly so quickly.

Why can't you turn to stone
like my people when you die?

- Can we not talk about this?

I just wanna
get this over with.

- Mmm!

- You might wanna
slow down there.

- Well, mmm--
I'm really hungry.

Also, I really like these,
like, they're nice and warm,

you know?
You can really, like,

[sniffs]
smell 'em.

- Mm...

- Can I have one more?
- Yeah.

Uh, do you have
a bathroom close by?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm, good.

- Why?
- Ah.

♪

- Hey!

Wake up, drunky!
Better not be pissing in there.

[suspenseful music]

People don't listen.

How's he even, like,
breathing in there?

♪

[suspenseful music]

♪

- [gasps]

[coughing]

♪

[dog barking]
[distant chatter]

♪

- This way.
- You set me up.

- If I had set you up,
I would be with all those men

and dogs that are
clearly chasing both of us.

- Tell me everything we know
about the Galvan/Powell Group.

- Multinational conglomerate,

um, businesses
all over the world,

and interests in everything
from energy to shipping.

- And all the names
we found in Sam's office

are top executives
that work there.

- Maybe they had something
to do with Sam's death

and writing the names down
was his insurance policy.

- Yeah, that's a good guess.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised
if they all killed him.

Look at them rich people names:

Troy Hendricks,
Tanner Corrington.

Sound like old-money murderers

who killed their way
out of trouble.

The parents too busy buying
yachts and wearing visors

to teach 'em right from wrong.

- They probably wear belts

that have whales
and lobsters on 'em.

- [laughs]
Just a bunch

of generational-wealth,
privileged-as-hell,

lacrosse-ass, pastel-shorts,
boat-shoed mother-------.

Sorry about the swearing.
- Oh, I swear all the time too.

Look at that guy,
Gray Buchanan.

- [snorts]
- What an old shit...

head, asshole guy.
Right, sir?

- Yeah.
Actually, yeah.

You took some of them words
right out of my mouth.

♪

- [laughs]
Harry!

Oh, sorry.
Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Come in!
Come in.

How was the rest
of your birthday?

- I would like to talk to you

about the offer for me
to be town doctor again!

- Yeah.
- I accept.

- Wow, that is incredible.
[laughs]

- With these conditions:

I want the traffic
outside my office eliminated.

I want my own kitchen.

I want that little Ellen nurse
to not talk,

and if she steals granola bars
from my desk,

I wanted her capital-punished.

- Okay, well,
two of those are impossible,

and one is kind of illegal.

How about
a white noise machine?

You know, it might block
the traffic sounds.

- No deal!

- Sheriff,
Judy Cooper's on the phone

from the Copper Ridge Motel.

- Okay, deal.

I accept the position.
I am now the town doctor.

You cannot take it back.

- O--okay!
[laughs]

Great!
- Mm-hmm.

- Ah, Deputy, we got ourselves
another murder!

[laughs]

- What?

- Oh, no, a murder.
What a terrible day.

- I remember
he checked in at 6:00,

because I was eating my salami.

- And that's the last time
you saw him alive,

when he checked in last night?

- No, I saw him again later
in the parking lot.

He was talking
to two men in a black van.

Hello, Sheriff.

I knew that
I was probably gonna see you,

So, um,

I made you an audiobook.

- "Autobiography of Malcolm X."

- Oh, Judy...
- Oh, it's not Malcolm Ten?

I'll redo it.
I thought that the X was a ten.

You know, like,
in Roman numerals.

- Can you tell us anything
about the men in the van?

- I didn't see 'em real good,
honestly.

I did see a skunk, though,
and I followed it for a while--

- Did you hear a gunshot?
- No.

I actually didn't
really hear anything.

D'arcy stopped by with food.

She was really upset because
I couldn't go to this party

that she went to, so she
brought me devil's eggs.

- Oh, did you like them?
- Oh, yeah.

They were really good.
- Oh.

- And luckily, there were still
a couple left on the counter

this morning,
so I finished 'em.

- Oh, are you having any
stomach issues?

- [laughs]
Oh, yeah. Real bad.

- All right, excuse me.

Mr. Mayor, Dr. V.

- I heard that there was
another murder in Patience,

and I am devastated
at this news.

- Yeah, see, we might have
an issue with that.

Little known fact: this hot tub

is actually over
the county line into Jessup.

So Jessup hot tub,
Jessup murder.

Uh, suck on that, Mayor Mitch.

- Huh, well, maybe the shooter
was on the Patience side.

- Well, maybe we should, uh,

take a gander at
the security cameras and see.

- There are
no security cameras!

Is my guess.
- He's right.

We're very discreet here, so...
I mean,

two people could just disappear
into a motel room right now

and do just about anything,

and nobody would know--
[stomach gurgles]

I'll be right back.

- Look, with all due respect,
Mr. Mayor,

I'm the sheriff of Patience,

and this, to me, looks like
a Patience crime scene.

- And I'm the doctor
from Patience,

and I will do the autopsy,
and you can suck on that...

with no respect!

- Not very kind.

- Sir,
you're not gonna believe this.

- The victim was
one of the names on Sam's list:

Tanner Corrington--

and he had a gun in his jacket.

- What an interesting name
I've never heard of.

- Well, well, well.

So Mr. Silver Spoon Fancy Pants

was carrying and got murdered?
Surprise, surprise.

- I'm so surprised.

Wow.

[line trilling]

[indistinct chatter]

- [in Southern accent]
Yes, hello.

My name is Johnny Smithson.

I'd like to report a murder
that happened in Jessup.

[quirky music]

- It's an odd feeling to know
that you are going to die soon.

- I am glad
this appointment is over.

Whenever this man
mentions dying,

that bad feeling
I have about death

climbs to the top
of my stomach.

Soon, it will not matter
to you what being dead is like,

because you will be dead.

- I love your bedside manner.
[chuckles]

I'll miss it when I'm gone.

- No, you will not,
because you will be dead.

Goodbye, now.

- You think I should give him
a different dose?

- One deceased male,
fatal gunshot wound.

Where do you want him
for the autopsy?

- Uh...

- Alive people
wait in the lobby.

Dead people wait in exam one.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Hey.
Much-needed day drink?

- I need your help.
How am I supposed to--

- What, live your life
just like normal?

Hello, Asta.

Here is your normal
3:00 p.m. whiskey,

which you have
every day at this time.

- Oh, yeah, normal.

I'm never
gonna be normal again.

I'm supposed to
pick up Jay tomorrow

and take her to lunch
for her birthday.

- Holy shit.
That's amazing.

- It would be
if I wasn't a murderer.

- Okay, you're not a murderer.

You're just an innocent woman

that got caught up in all
this shit because of Harry.

You shouldn't trust that guy,
by the way.

He moved a body last night.
- So did we!

- Yeah, but you know, it's us.
We made it look cool.

It's like people who can rock a
pair of bell-bottoms, you know?

- I think
we should tell the police.

Maybe I should tell Liv.

What if this guy has a family?
- Okay, you have a family--

all right, starting with me,
your ne'er-do-well

but lovable soul sister,
and if you go to the police,

they'll just send
more bad guys to kill you,

and then I'll have to kill
all of them,

and spend the rest of my life

in my safe house
in Puerto Vallarta,

which I can't really be there

for more than
two weeks at a time,

and I hate
going by the name Veronica.

- [chuckles]

Okay.
Well, you make a good point.

- Thanks.

- All right, that's fine.
Keep me posted.

- Yes, sir.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Only three occupants in the
motel aside from the victim,

and no one heard a gunshot
or anything unusual.

You find the murder weapon yet?

- No.
- Shit.

We got no gunshots.
We got no gun.

- They could've
used a silencer.

- Or maybe
it's an icicle riddle, right?

He gets stabbed with an icicle,
it melts.

That's the perfect crime.

- It looked like
a bullet wound, sir.

- Yeah, maybe it was an ice gun
firing an ice bullet, right?

The bullet friction, that'll
melt the gun right away,

so that's a one-time-use-only
weapon, and the killer,

he's gotta be somebody

who knows
how to meditate or something,

keep the body temperature
low enough

that their hand
don't melt the gun.

So maybe the killer's
like a Tibetan monk, right,

who mediated
before he shot the guy--

not enough to bring him
inner peace, though.

He was still angry enough
to kill a man.

That's sad.

- Or maybe he was shot
with a regular gun,

and the murderer left with it.

- See, that's thinking
inside the box.

You think in, I think out.

That's why we make
such a good team, ha ha.

[truck beeping]

Hey!
What are you doing with that?

That's the victim's car!
We ain't done with that yet!

- I'm sorry, sir.
We didn't order this.

- I did.
Hi.

Detective Lena Torres,
Jessup Police.

- Hello, what the hell are
you doing in my crime scene?

- I could ask you
the same question, though.

The answer is pretty obvious,
isn't it?

The body was found
in a hot tub in my town.

- Huh.
[laughs]

No, I don't think so.

This here is a Patience crime,
okay?

We got here first.

You just can't go
towing that car.

- I didn't see
your crime tape on it.

- Well,
that's because we ran out

and had to switch to yellow
birthday party streamers,

which disintegrated
in the rain.

- I think you'll agree
that it makes the most sense

for us to take over
the investigation.

Jessup forensic yard's

got a bigger budget
and more manpower.

- Huh. Well, I disagree.

- You still haven't
introduced yourself.

I guess they don't have
etiquette teachers

here in Patience?

- I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson.

You can call me Big Black.
- In that case,

you can call me Medium Brown.

- I'm Liv. I'm white.

- Nice to meet you.

Okay, well, I'll loop you in
if I need any help.

- You see how
she swung her finger around

like she can loop?

How you gonna loop me
into somethin' I'm already in?

- Have a nice day!

- I'm the loop--

- Hey, Dr. V.
I'm so glad you're back.

I am really relieved

to be able to continue
our therapy sessions.

I do not want to do it.
But it is part of the job.

- Smart strategy.
Act indifferent

so you don't seem like
a therapist and I open up more.

- I actually do not care.
- That's brilliant.

- Hi.
- Your wife followed you.

She's taking off her clothes.

Please do not have sex
in my office!

- I am so sorry
about last night.

It's just a lot of stuff
got stirred up,

and one thing led to another.
It's just so embarrassing.

- I threw away
all of the bath towels

and the bath mats
and the soap and my loofah.

- So Kate had a great idea.

Um, she suggested
that we try therapy together.

- So she is controlling.
- You said I was controlling?

- No.
Uh, no, I don't think

those were my exact words.

- He also said he hates
your honey-glazed salmon.

- No, again, did not--

- That salmon
is my specialty dish.

- Love it.
- He said the only thing

special about it

was that something that lives
in the water could be so dry.

[laughs]
- See, this is the problem.

I want him to feel comfortable
telling me these things.

- Mm, do not talk to me.
Talk directly to your husband.

I do not care.

- Yeah, that's his strategy.

- Honey, I know you have
a hard time talking to me,

and that's--it's okay.
But I don't want it to be hard.

So I wanna make space for you
to tell me whatever you want.

You can tell me anything,
and it's okay.

- Okay, well, uh, thank you,
and thank you for the space.

Without space,
what do you have?

Things.
You know,

things next to things,
which creates density,

which also means
a lack of knowing,

and sometimes
the first step in not knowing

is knowing that you don't know.

- What are you talking about?

- You're supposed to
let him talk.

- I am,
but he's not saying anything.

We're having a baby.

You know,
we have to talk about it.

You know,
I don't want to be

the person in your life
who you...

- I have more
important things to do

than listen to unimportant
marriage arguments.

The sooner I get them out,

the sooner I can start
doing my fake autopsy.

I will wait for her
to stop talking,

then I will jump in
and tell them I have to leave.

[indistinct conversation]

She is not stopping.

- Wow, I think
that was a very good start.

Thank you, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

- Do you, um,
do you think it went well?

- I don't know.

I was doing math problems in
my head just to pass the time.

What are they doing
with my body--hey!

- Ah, well, Jessup police are
taking over the investigation

because the hot tub's
in their town.

So they're gonna
handle everything.

- What do you mean everything?

- Ballistics, you know,
autopsy, everything.

Looks like Jessup
is Murder Town, USA now.

[chuckles]

♪

- Hi, my name is
Deputy Liv Baker,

and I have video evidence of an
unidentified aerial phenomenon

that multiple witnesses
theorize is an alien ship.

I also believe I might've lost
time, and I saw something

I can't explain.

[creature clicking]

I hope you get this.
Also, I'm not a wacko.

- What's goin' on?
What you doin',

an Instagram or somethin'?

'Cause the lighting
in here is terrible.

You gotta get yourself
one of them lights

to make your skin look better,
like a flesh light.

- I don't think
that's what it's, um, called.

Fine.
I'm recording a message

to the Alien Tracker to go
along with the UFO video

I got from Eugena Plunkett.

- Did I not tell you to do that
on your own personal time only?

- Yes, you did, sir.
- Okay.

- This is personal time.
I had to go to the bathroom.

So I'm counting this
as a bathroom break,

and I'm just gonna hold it
for double long.

- Huh.

That logic checks out.

So long as you don't go
to the bathroom again

until you would've gone
to the bathroom

if you were going
to the bathroom now,

and when you do go
to the bathroom then,

you gotta go
twice as fast.

- Of course.
Yeah, that makes sense.

- All right, look at that.
We worked that out.

- [laughs]
- Could you please

hand me some of those
Post-it notes over there?

But not them
boring-ass yellow ones.

I'm feelin' frisky.
Give me them

fuchsia sumbitches
right there.

- Mm, frisky.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

- I'ma do all sorts of stuff
with these.

- I don't wanna know.
- [laughs] Thank you, Deputy.

[quirky music]

♪

[cell phone dings]

"Thank you for your message.

"The Alien Tracker
is very busy right now.

But check out
his upcoming tour dates below."

[sighs]

I shouldn't have had
that extra iced tea.

- The alien baby
has not returned.

I need to find it so I can get
the rest of Goliath's message.

Right now, all I know is that

there is another dangerous
alien race already on Earth.

[screech-clicking]

[warbles]

I also know
if I can't figure out

how to get the autopsy back,

Asta will end up
in Jessup jail,

and I will have to bake her
a cake with a file in it

like the cartoons
so she can escape.

I don't want to bake a cake.

Why can't the cartoons
bake escape pies?

- There he is!

Thought I'd bring
some brewskis by,

celebrate your first day
back on the job.

- I just saw you today.
That is enough.

- Ah, that was just therapy.
That doesn't count.

This is the real hang.
Just a couple of dudes,

no girls allowed,
order some 'za, huh?

Come on, it'll be fun!
- No.

No, get back in your car.
This is my house.

- Oh, windy out here.
- Leave!

- Yeah, let's go!
- No!

[soft acoustic guitar music]

- [sighs]

♪

- Well, just so you know,

I'm sending you the co-pay
for my next dental bill.

- Mm, way to work in
that you have insurance.

That's hot.
[chuckles]

- A woman who hits on me
with her mouth full--also hot.

[both laugh]

- Well, I figured that

I owed you
the whole dessert menu

after standing you up
last time.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, no,

that night was just...

Um, anyway, I'm here now.
- Are you?

Because a few minutes ago,

I asked if you had
any brothers or sisters,

and you said, "Fine, thanks!"

- Did I?
- You know, he waited for you

for three hours.

I respect a man with confidence

to return to the scene
of a rejection.

- Wow. Damn.

- Three hours?

- Speaks to a man's character,

puttin' in the time
for what he wants.

Careful, D'arcy.

Looks like
you hooked yourself a real one.

- He is--
- Rude.

- Direct.
- Rude.

- [laughs]

- Um, no, that's wrong.

I'm the rude one.

I'm sorry.

I'm here now,
and I'm happy to be here.

A little nervous, maybe.
But...

I guess some of us feel like
we don't deserve nice things,

and you're a very nice thing.

- You're a nice thing too.

- ♪ This broken heart

♪ I know there's better days
for this broken heart ♪

♪ I know there's better days
for this broken heart ♪

- Yeah, how do you ruin salmon?

I mean, you basically just
shine a flashlight on it,

and it's done.

- This craft beer
is 15% alcohol.

Based on his flab to ab ratio,

he will be unconscious
in four minutes,

peeing himself in six.

Not on my couch!

- What?
[hiccups]

- Nothing.

- Hey, uh...you ever play
any drinking games?

- I have a drinking game.

Why don't you call the police

and tell them that
I should do the autopsy?

If you do it, you win!

- [laughs]
No way.

Dead guy found in Jessup.
Eh...Jessup murder.

I could've modeled, you know?

Did I ever tell you that?

I was scouted at a mall
one time.

Guy came up to me,
handed me a business card.

I called it.
It's legit.

Told Kate about it once.
She said, "Cool."

You know, a guy comes up to you
in a mall, gives you a hug,

offers you a modeling gig--
a little bit more than cool.

- You know what is cool?

Murder.

You should fight
to have this one in Patience.

- [sighs] No, we already have
enough of those.

Unless the killer, you know,

was somehow
standing in Patience,

this is a Jessup problem.

- What he doesn't know is,

the real killer
was definitely in Patience

when she shot the man.

I'm going for a walk.
Do not pee on my couch!

- He said
I had Superman's jawline.

[hiccups]
Ouch.

[suspenseful music]

- If the mayor is not going to
help me get the autopsy back,

I will do it myself.

♪

Mm.

This is the shell casing
from Asta's rifle.

If I use this correctly,
I can move the focus

of the murder and the autopsy
back to Patience.

♪

This is the shell
from the dead guy's gun--

from the bullet
that almost killed me.

[gunshot fires]

- Few inches lower and this
would've hit your heart,

and you'd be dead.
- Mm.

♪

[laughs]

Now the bullet shell is gone,

and it is like
I was never shot at all.

Mm.

It does not bother me.
Everything is fine.

Everything is just fine.

[alien baby clicking]

[vomits]

♪

[suspenseful music]

- So what do you got?

- Ha, sorry if we interrupted
your workout.

- I run six miles every morning
for a healthy body,

and I do the crossword
every night for a healthy mind.

- I can solve a Rubik's Cube.

I learned from a book, but I
don't need the book anymore.

- Cool!
My little niece can do that.

- All right, Detective Torres,
this is Harry Vanderspeigle.

He's our town doctor.
He was gonna do the autopsy

before you decided
to steal his body.

All right Dr. V, she's here.
So you wanna tell me

why you got
three of my deputies out there

scouring
underneath those trees?

- I have a working theory that
I would like to share with you,

with the aid of my assistant,
Judy Pooper.

- It's Cooper.
Pooper's my butt.

- Judy Cooter.
- Cooper!

Cooter's my lady pocket.

- Should we get outside?

- There was a perfect line
from those trees over there

to the hot tub.

Go.

With a hunting rifle,
the murderer could have hidden

over there to take the shot.

The shot knocks the man
into the water--

bang!
- Oh!

Oh.
Ah!

[grunting]

Oh, oh, oh, no.
Oh, no.

- What the hell?
- Wow.

- Why?

Excuse me.

- Was that good?
- You did not have to

fall in the water.
I told her that.

This is dead human soup.
- [spits]

- Sheriff, I found a shell
of a hunting rifle.

- Look at that.

- Well, that looks like
an excellent working theory.

- Sir, those trees are on
the Patience side of the line.

- Mm-hmm.

Detective,
I think we can all agree

that this murder here
crosses county lines.

- Dr. Vanderspeigle,
you got a good handle on this.

You should take the autopsy,

and if your theory
proves correct,

looks like we might be
partners on this.

- Ugh.
- I will be happy

to do the autopsy.

- Probably not happy,
because the man is dead.

- No, I will be very happy.
[laughs]

[water bubbling]

- Judy...
- This water stinks.

- Hey, Asta.
I got your text.

What's going on?
- Hey, um,

I wanted to talk to you
about something.

- Okay.

- Hey, girls!

- Hi, Dan!
- Hi, Dad.

- If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you killed their friend,

and then
they will come and kill you

and everyone
that is close to you.

- Hi?

- I just wanted
to tell you how much

I appreciate you and Mike
and all the hard work you do.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- You sure that's it?

- Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.

That's it.
Okay, thanks.

- Okay, yeah.
- Cool.

♪

- The beaver's dexterity
allows it to hold food

in its front paws as it eats.

The herbivore feasts
on a quiet...

- [sighs]

- Took you long enough.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you not enjoying the fact
that I am funding your safety?

- I'm sorry.
I'm just hungry.

- I have a problem.

There has to be a mole
somewhere in my organization.

Nobody else knew
about our meetup.

Nobody else could've told
that sniper where to be.

So congratulations, you're the
only one who can't be the mole.

- Huh.
- But can I trust you?

- Of course.

- Then why did I find
the alien ball

hidden under
the floorboards last night

after I drugged your food?
- You drugged me?

- Do you think I'm stupid?
You held onto this

because it's the only thing
that could've saved your life.

- Well, if you've been
drugging my food,

then clearly,
I can't trust you either.

- Good.
Now we're on the same page.

We have
an unknown common enemy.

We're on the same side now.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Hey, how do I know you're
not just gonna drug me again?

- You don't.

- Victory!
The autopsy is mine.

Now all I have to do

is falsify the results
in my favor,

and Asta and I will be free.

Are you ready?
- Yes.

- Here is what I will do.

The time of death was
approximately 11:45 p.m.

I will say it was 4:00 a.m.
the next morning.

There is dirt on the body

from when we moved it
from the woods.

I will not note that.

There is also bruising
on the carcass

from when we dragged it over
the sticks and the pinecones.

I will not note that, either.

You shot him from 10 feet away?

I will say that the wound
indicates that he was killed

from 50 feet away,
approximately.

Mark the bullet's
point of entry.

This is the death hole.

- [panting]
- What the hell happened?

- Did you mark it?

[suspenseful music]

♪

[gunshot]

♪

We have not finished
the autopsy.

- I can't do it.

- Why not?

- How do I live with myself?

I killed him.

[solemn music]

How do I live
the rest of my life like this?

I just want
to forget the whole thing.

I can't do it.
I can't!

- It is okay.

It will be okay.
- No, it won't.

It'll never be okay again.

- I can feel her pain
as if it is inside me.

If she could just pretend
it did not happen,

she would feel better.

Do not think about the pain.

- How?

- If she cannot push
the bad feelings away,

I can help her.

I can erase all
of her memories

of that night for her,
and she will be happy again.

[Molly Drake's "Happiness"]

She will forget,
and everything will be okay.

- ♪ Happiness is like a bird
with 20 wings ♪

♪ Try to catch him
as he flies ♪

♪ You can try to make him
walk beside you ♪

♪ You can say the door
is open wide ♪

♪ If I can catch him
I will try to bring you ♪

♪ All my love

♪ And happiness