All language subtitles for Resident Alien s02e09 Autopsy.eng

- Previously on
"Resident Alien"...

- Calm down? I
can't calm down.

They're threatening
our families!

- If I knew something
important and dangerous,

I might've written it down.

- Holy shit!

- Who the hell is
Galvan/Powell Group?

- Why are you in New York?

You were supposed
to stay in Colorado

and do your goddamn work.

You have no idea who
you are dealing with.

- So where is this alien ball?

- I give you the ball,
I get my life back.

[gunshot] [grunts]

[suspenseful music]

- My birthday's coming up.

I was wondering if you want
to do something that day.

- I would love that.

All: Surprise!
- [laughs]

?

- [squeals]
- [screams]

- There's alien activity
here in Patience.

I know it.
- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna call
the Alien Tracker

and tell him to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

- [squeals]
- [screams]

- I'm Goliath.
There's an alien race

that's planning to
take over the Earth.

[gunshot fires]
- Wha... ah...

- You should've just
stayed in Colorado

and done your job.
- You shot me.

- Yeah. I should've
never made you

kill Sam Hodges.

I should've just taken
care of it myself.

[cocks gun] [gunshot]

[heart beating]
- [panting]

- Asta.
- [panting]

- Holy shit. What
the hell happened?

- He shot me.

- Okay, we need to
call an ambulance.

- No! We do not
need to do that.

This is a dangerous man.

- This is bad.
This is really bad.

- No, it is okay.

He's dead.

- Oh, God.

- Harry, Asta? Y'all out here?

I heard gunfire!

Hello?

Sheriff's Department.

?

Oh, shit!
- [clears throat]

- Oh, damn. What
y'all doin' out here?

Did y'all hear gunshots?
- Just a racoon.

I almost put down that varmint.

- I'm pretty sure I heard

two distinctly different
caliber gunshots.

- That was me. I'm
still celebrating.

It's my birthday!

- Yay, Harry. Whoo-hoo.

- Oh, okay.

Damn, y'all scared
the shit out of me.

Anyway, it's good to
see y'all are all right.

Everybody else left.

They was wonderin' where
the two of you went.

- Yeah, I was thinking
the same thing.

I was like, "Where did they go?

Don't tell me they're
off owl-hunting again."

But then, you know,
I went outside,

followed the hoots,
and there they were.

- Hoot, hoot.
- Hoot.

- So...
- Hoot.

- Yeah.

- Okay.
- So you guys have fun here.

Sheriff and I, no place to
go but away to our homes.

Thank you for the party.

- All right, yeah, um,
thanks for everything.

Party was pretty cool.

You might want to open that
window in your bathroom.

Smell like a good old-fashioned
hump house up in there.

- Ha ha!

- You know what
I'm talking about.

Yeah, that wasn't no normal sex.

- No, I know.
- Ben and Kate.

- Yeah. You don't
know the half of it.

[suspenseful music]

- [sighs] Oh, are you okay?

- No. Are you?

No.

?

- Jesus, they took him out.
- What the hell we gonna do?

[thud]

- What was that?

[knocking]

- [squeals]
- [grunts]

- Vin!

Vinny! [muffled screaming]

?

[Brown Bird's "Bilgewater"]

[laidback acoustic strumming]

?

- Death is not a
loss for my people,

not like it is for humans.

Where I am from,
everything that exists

is all part of the
same ecosystem.

When our life is over,
we simply change form

and return to where we started,

part of the planet.

We never really die.

- Harry, your blood
is turning alien.

- The wound is making me weaker.

I need you to take the bullet
out so that I can heal faster.

Human emotions make
death difficult for them.

It adds fear and sadness
to something very natural.

The man Asta shot
may have family

who will mourn the
end of his life.

But he also tried to kill me,
so rot into dirt, ham bag.

- [grunts]

- [grunts]

- Okay. Everyone's gone.

So do we want to talk
about the dead guy?

- He killed Sam Hodges.

- Yeah, that's right.

We followed clues in New
York, which led us to him.

- Found those clues.

- Yeah, and he knew
that we knew that...

- He knew we knew it.

- He, uh... what he did, and...
- He did it.

- So he came here to kill us.

- Tried to kill us.

- Right. I was just gonna see

if you had, like, a woodchipper
I could chuck the body into.

- What?

No! We have to
tell the police!

We should've told Mike.
This is self-defense.

- You cannot do that.
If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you killed their friend,

and then they will come

and kill you and everyone
that is close to you.

- Wait, who are these people?

Sorry, I don't understand.

Is this why you've been so
secretive this whole time?

You were just
investigating Sam's murder?

Why didn't you just tell me?

- She did not tell you because
she didn't want you to know.

- I get it. You
were protecting me.

Well, now I'm
protecting you, okay?

Hey, no one's gonna hurt you.

Nothing bad's gonna
happen, all right?

I'm gonna go outside.
I'm gonna check the body,

and you are gonna stay here
with Harry, fix him up.

We got this.

Okay?
- Okay.

[door shuts]

Is she gonna be okay?

There's still an
alien baby outside.

- Do you mean the alien
baby who attached to my head

to warn me that there
is an evil alien race

planning on taking over Earth?

The gunshots scared
it back into the lake.

- Well, you're very lucky,

because if this had
been a few inches lower,

it would've hit your
heart, and you'd be dead.

- Mm.
- Wait. would you have died,

or would you just
turn back to alien?

- If the bullet hit
the human heart,

it would kill this body

before I could turn
back into an alien.

[laughs]

Then I would die too.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, Harry.

- I'm not dead.

I am alive because you
killed the bad man.

Thank you, Asta.

- You're welcome.

- I do not like this human
feeling of being almost-dead.

When I get a burnt
potato in my hashbrowns,

I put it to the side of
my plate and ignore it.

I will do the same with death.

I feel better already.

[Buffy Sainte-Marie's
"It's My Way"]

- ? I'm cutting my own way

? Through my own day

? And all I dare say

? Is it's my own

? The years I've known

? And the life I've grown

? Got a way I'm going

[car beeps]

? And it's my way

?

- Well, I found his car.

I was wrong about tossing
the guy into a woodchipper.

Unless...
- I do not have a woodchipper!

- Well, we can't make
him disappear anyway.

We have to plant
the body somewhere.

He was staying at
the Copper Ridge,

that shitty motel
on the edge of town.

It's in the middle of nowhere,
quiet, no security cameras.

It's one of the top three
places to plant a body in town.

We'll bag the body, limit
how much DNA we get on it.

I'll drive his car to the motel.

You two dump his body
in the hot tub out back.

- Mm.
- We want the body in hot water

to help muddy the evidence.

We'll plant his gun on
him, make him look shady.

Harry, you melt down
the rifle that shot him.

- Ha!
- All right,

now he's just a dead guy in
a hot tub at a shitty motel.

- "Law and Order."

- "CSI."

[quirky music]

?

I'll go bring his car around.

- That's not the only
thing we will plant on him!

[squeals]

The medical records!

We must sneak these into the
trunk of Mr. Dead Guy's car,

and then when they find the
dead body, they will find these

and they will blame him
for Sam Hodges' death,

and then my name will
be cleared forever.

Your Honor, the
evidence is clear!

There is no evidence
to convict my client!

I rest my case! Cun...

Does "CSI" have
a "clung-clung?"

- That doesn't help me.

Harry, even if they
think that he killed Sam,

I still killed him.
- It will work.

Mayor Snowflake has asked
me to be the town doctor.

I will accept. I
will do the autopsy.

I will fake the results.

I will make sure that Sheriff
Hat and Deputy Sadsmile

do not think you did it.

- [sighs]

[suspenseful music]

- "Frankenstein"
by Mary Shelley.

This audiobook is read to
you by Ms. Judith Cooper.

"Letter One. To Mrs. Savi..."

Sa... Savayle?

Say, Say-vayle.
I... one of those.

- Hey there, skank-arooni.

- Oh, hey!

- Are you still trying to get
that audiobook thing going?

- Oh, yeah. I got
a new microphone.

So it's, like, really
professional now.

- Oh, it looks like you're
still recording right now.

- Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter.

Do you wanna watch me in action?

- Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Okay.

"The commencement
of an enterprise,

which you have regarded
with such evil forebodings."

[laughs] This one
is gonna scare

the poop out of my butt.

- Yeah, I don't think
that part's in the book.

But I brought you these,
though, from a party I was at.

- Oh! Deviled eggs.

I didn't know about a
party. That's so weird.

- Hmm.
- Oh, I bet

you probably tried to call me,

but my phone is, like, so crazy.

Thank you. Yummers.

[muffled] Oh, my God...

So good. [laughs]

- Human corpses decay and
get smelly so quickly.

Why can't you turn to stone
like my people when you die?

- Can we not talk about this?

I just wanna get this over with.

- Mmm!

- You might wanna
slow down there.

- Well, mmm...
I'm really hungry.

Also, I really like these,
like, they're nice and warm,

you know? You
can really, like,

[sniffs] smell 'em.

- Mm...

- Can I have one more?
- Yeah.

Uh, do you have a
bathroom close by?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm, good.

- Why?
- Ah.

?

Support us and become VIP member
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- Hey!

Wake up, drunky! Better
not be pissing in there.

[suspenseful music]

People don't listen.

How's he even, like,
breathing in there?

?

[suspenseful music]

?

- [gasps]

[coughing]

?

[dog barking]
[distant chatter]

?

- This way.
- You set me up.

- If I had set you up, I
would be with all those men

and dogs that are clearly
chasing both of us.

- Tell me everything we know
about the Galvan/Powell Group.

- Multinational conglomerate,

um, businesses all
over the world,

and interests in everything
from energy to shipping.

- And all the names we
found in Sam's office

are top executives
that work there.

- Maybe they had something
to do with Sam's death

and writing the names down
was his insurance policy.

- Yeah, that's a good guess.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised
if they all killed him.

Look at them rich people names:

Troy Hendricks,
Tanner Corrington.

Sound like old-money murderers

who killed their
way out of trouble.

The parents too busy buying
yachts and wearing visors

to teach 'em right from wrong.

- They probably wear belts

that have whales
and lobsters on 'em.

- [laughs] Just a bunch

of generational-wealth,
privileged-as-hell,

lacrosse-ass, pastel-shorts,
boat-shoed mother...

Sorry about the swearing.
- Oh, I swear all the time too.

Look at that guy, Gray Buchanan.

- [snorts]
- What an old shit...

head, asshole guy. Right, sir?

- Yeah. Actually, yeah.

You took some of them words
right out of my mouth.

?

- [laughs] Harry!

Oh, sorry. Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Come in! Come in.

How was the rest
of your birthday?

- I would like to talk to you

about the offer for me
to be town doctor again!

- Yeah.
- I accept.

- Wow, that is incredible.
[laughs]

- With these conditions:

I want the traffic outside
my office eliminated.

I want my own kitchen.

I want that little
Ellen nurse to not talk,

and if she steals granola
bars from my desk,

I wanted her capital-punished.

- Okay, well, two of
those are impossible,

and one is kind of illegal.

How about a white noise machine?

You know, it might block
the traffic sounds.

- No deal!

- Sheriff, Judy
Cooper's on the phone

from the Copper Ridge Motel.

- Okay, deal.

I accept the position. I
am now the town doctor.

You cannot take it back.

- O... okay!
[laughs]

Great!
- Mm-hmm.

- Ah, Deputy, we got
ourselves another murder!

[laughs]

- What?

- Oh, no, a murder.
What a terrible day.

- I remember he
checked in at 6:00,

because I was eating my salami.

- And that's the last
time you saw him alive,

when he checked in last night?

- No, I saw him again
later in the parking lot.

He was talking to two
men in a black van.

Hello, Sheriff.

I knew that I was
probably gonna see you,

So, um,

I made you an audiobook.

- "Autobiography of Malcolm X."

- Oh, Judy...
- Oh, it's not Malcolm Ten?

I'll redo it. I thought
that the X was a ten.

You know, like,
in Roman numerals.

- Can you tell us anything
about the men in the van?

- I didn't see 'em
real good, honestly.

I did see a skunk, though, and
I followed it for a while...

- Did you hear a gunshot?
- No.

I actually didn't
really hear anything.

D'arcy stopped by with food.

She was really upset because
I couldn't go to this party

that she went to, so she
brought me devil's eggs.

- Oh, did you like them?
- Oh, yeah.

They were really good.
- Oh.

- And luckily, there were still
a couple left on the counter

this morning, so I finished 'em.

- Oh, are you having
any stomach issues?

- [laughs] Oh, yeah. Real bad.

- All right, excuse me.

Mr. Mayor, Dr. V.

- I heard that there was
another murder in Patience,

and I am devastated
at this news.

- Yeah, see, we might
have an issue with that.

Little known fact: this hot tub

is actually over the
county line into Jessup.

So Jessup hot tub,
Jessup murder.

Uh, suck on that, Mayor Mitch.

- Huh, well, maybe the shooter
was on the Patience side.

- Well, maybe we should, uh,

take a gander at the
security cameras and see.

- There are no security cameras!

Is my guess.
- He's right.

We're very discreet
here, so... I mean,

two people could just disappear
into a motel room right now

and do just about anything,

and nobody would know...
[stomach gurgles]

I'll be right back.

- Look, with all due
respect, Mr. Mayor,

I'm the sheriff of Patience,

and this, to me, looks like
a Patience crime scene.

- And I'm the doctor
from Patience,

and I will do the autopsy,
and you can suck on that...

with no respect!

- Not very kind.

- Sir, you're not
gonna believe this.

- The victim was one of
the names on Sam's list:

Tanner Corrington...

And he had a gun in his jacket.

- What an interesting
name I've never heard of.

- Well, well, well.

So Mr. Silver Spoon Fancy Pants

was carrying and got
murdered? Surprise, surprise.

- I'm so surprised.

Wow.

[line trilling]

[indistinct chatter]

- [in Southern
accent] Yes, hello.

My name is Johnny Smithson.

I'd like to report a murder
that happened in Jessup.

[quirky music]

- It's an odd feeling to know
that you are going to die soon.

- I am glad this
appointment is over.

Whenever this man
mentions dying,

that bad feeling
I have about death

climbs to the top of my stomach.

Soon, it will not matter to
you what being dead is like,

because you will be dead.

- I love your bedside manner.
[chuckles]

I'll miss it when I'm gone.

- No, you will not,
because you will be dead.

Goodbye, now.

- You think I should give
him a different dose?

- One deceased male,
fatal gunshot wound.

Where do you want
him for the autopsy?

- Uh...

- Alive people
wait in the lobby.

Dead people wait in exam one.

[suspenseful music]

?

- Hey. Much-needed day drink?

- I need your help.
How am I supposed to...

- What, live your
life just like normal?

Hello, Asta.

Here is your normal
3:00 p.m. whiskey,

which you have every
day at this time.

- Oh, yeah, normal.

I'm never gonna be normal again.

I'm supposed to
pick up Jay tomorrow

and take her to lunch
for her birthday.

- Holy shit. That's amazing.

- It would be if I
wasn't a murderer.

- Okay, you're not a murderer.

You're just an innocent woman

that got caught up in all
this shit because of Harry.

You shouldn't trust
that guy, by the way.

He moved a body last night.
- So did we!

- Yeah, but you know, it's
us. We made it look cool.

It's like people who can rock a
pair of bell-bottoms, you know?

- I think we should
tell the police.

Maybe I should tell Liv.

What if this guy has a family?
- Okay, you have a family...

All right, starting with
me, your ne'er-do-well

but lovable soul sister,
and if you go to the police,

they'll just send more
bad guys to kill you,

and then I'll have
to kill all of them,

and spend the rest of my life

in my safe house
in Puerto Vallarta,

which I can't really be there

for more than two
weeks at a time,

and I hate going by
the name Veronica.

- [chuckles]

Okay. Well, you
make a good point.

- Thanks.

- All right, that's
fine. Keep me posted.

- Yes, sir.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Only three occupants in the
motel aside from the victim,

and no one heard a gunshot
or anything unusual.

You find the murder weapon yet?

- No.
- Shit.

We got no gunshots.
We got no gun.

- They could've used a silencer.

- Or maybe it's an
icicle riddle, right?

He gets stabbed with
an icicle, it melts.

That's the perfect crime.

- It looked like a
bullet wound, sir.

- Yeah, maybe it was an ice gun
firing an ice bullet, right?

The bullet friction, that'll
melt the gun right away,

so that's a one-time-use-only
weapon, and the killer,

he's gotta be somebody

who knows how to
meditate or something,

keep the body
temperature low enough

that their hand
don't melt the gun.

So maybe the killer's like
a Tibetan monk, right,

who mediated before
he shot the guy...

Not enough to bring him
inner peace, though.

He was still angry
enough to kill a man.

That's sad.

- Or maybe he was shot
with a regular gun,

and the murderer left with it.

- See, that's thinking
inside the box.

You think in, I think out.

That's why we make such
a good team, ha ha.

[truck beeping]

Hey! What are you
doing with that?

That's the victim's car! We
ain't done with that yet!

- I'm sorry, sir. We
didn't order this.

- I did. Hi.

Detective Lena
Torres, Jessup Police.

- Hello, what the hell are
you doing in my crime scene?

- I could ask you the
same question, though.

The answer is pretty
obvious, isn't it?

The body was found in
a hot tub in my town.

- Huh.
[laughs]

No, I don't think so.

This here is a
Patience crime, okay?

We got here first.

You just can't go
towing that car.

- I didn't see your
crime tape on it.

- Well, that's
because we ran out

and had to switch to yellow
birthday party streamers,

which disintegrated in the rain.

- I think you'll agree that
it makes the most sense

for us to take over
the investigation.

Jessup forensic yard's

got a bigger budget
and more manpower.

- Huh. Well, I disagree.

- You still haven't
introduced yourself.

I guess they don't
have etiquette teachers

here in Patience?

- I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson.

You can call me Big Black.
- In that case,

you can call me Medium Brown.

- I'm Liv. I'm white.

- Nice to meet you.

Okay, well, I'll loop you
in if I need any help.

- You see how she
swung her finger around

like she can loop?

How you gonna loop me into
somethin' I'm already in?

- Have a nice day!

- I'm the loop...

- Hey, Dr. V. I'm
so glad you're back.

I am really relieved

to be able to continue
our therapy sessions.

I do not want to do it.
But it is part of the job.

- Smart strategy.
Act indifferent

so you don't seem like a
therapist and I open up more.

- I actually do not care.
- That's brilliant.

- Hi.
- Your wife followed you.

She's taking off her clothes.

Please do not have
sex in my office!

- I am so sorry
about last night.

It's just a lot of
stuff got stirred up,

and one thing led to another.
It's just so embarrassing.

- I threw away all
of the bath towels

and the bath mats and
the soap and my loofah.

- So Kate had a great idea.

Um, she suggested that
we try therapy together.

- So she is controlling.
- You said I was controlling?

- No. Uh, no, I don't think

those were my exact words.

- He also said he hates
your honey-glazed salmon.

- No, again, did not...

- That salmon is
my specialty dish.

- Love it.
- He said the only thing

special about it

was that something that lives
in the water could be so dry.

[laughs]
- See, this is the problem.

I want him to feel comfortable
telling me these things.

- Mm, do not talk to me. Talk
directly to your husband.

I do not care.

- Yeah, that's his strategy.

- Honey, I know you have
a hard time talking to me,

and that's... it's okay. But
I don't want it to be hard.

So I wanna make space for you
to tell me whatever you want.

You can tell me
anything, and it's okay.

- Okay, well, uh, thank you,
and thank you for the space.

Without space, what do you have?

Things. You know,

things next to things,
which creates density,

which also means
a lack of knowing,

and sometimes the first
step in not knowing

is knowing that you don't know.

- What are you talking about?

- You're supposed
to let him talk.

- I am, but he's
not saying anything.

We're having a baby.

You know, we have
to talk about it.

You know, I don't want to be

the person in your
life who you...

- I have more
important things to do

than listen to unimportant
marriage arguments.

The sooner I get them out,

the sooner I can start
doing my fake autopsy.

I will wait for her
to stop talking,

then I will jump in and
tell them I have to leave.

[indistinct conversation]

She is not stopping.

- Wow, I think that
was a very good start.

Thank you, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

- Do you, um, do you
think it went well?

- I don't know.

I was doing math problems in
my head just to pass the time.

What are they doing
with my body... hey!

- Ah, well, Jessup police are
taking over the investigation

because the hot
tub's in their town.

So they're gonna
handle everything.

- What do you mean everything?

- Ballistics, you know,
autopsy, everything.

Looks like Jessup is
Murder Town, USA now.

[chuckles]

?

- Hi, my name is
Deputy Liv Baker,

and I have video evidence of an
unidentified aerial phenomenon

that multiple witnesses
theorize is an alien ship.

I also believe I might've
lost time, and I saw something

I can't explain.

[creature clicking]

I hope you get this.
Also, I'm not a wacko.

- What's goin' on?
What you doin',

an Instagram or somethin'?

'Cause the lighting
in here is terrible.

You gotta get yourself
one of them lights

to make your skin look
better, like a flesh light.

- I don't think that's
what it's, um, called.

Fine. I'm recording a message

to the Alien Tracker to go
along with the UFO video

I got from Eugena Plunkett.

- Did I not tell you to do that
on your own personal time only?

- Yes, you did, sir.
- Okay.

- This is personal time. I
had to go to the bathroom.

So I'm counting this
as a bathroom break,

and I'm just gonna hold
it for double long.

- Huh.

That logic checks out.

So long as you don't go
to the bathroom again

until you would've
gone to the bathroom

if you were going
to the bathroom now,

and when you do go
to the bathroom then,

you gotta go twice as fast.

- Of course. Yeah,
that makes sense.

- All right, look at
that. We worked that out.

- [laughs]
- Could you please

hand me some of those
Post-it notes over there?

But not them
boring-ass yellow ones.

I'm feelin' frisky.
Give me them

fuchsia sumbitches right there.

- Mm, frisky.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

- I'ma do all sorts
of stuff with these.

- I don't wanna know.
- [laughs] Thank you, Deputy.

[quirky music]

?

[cell phone dings]

"Thank you for your message.

"The Alien Tracker is
very busy right now.

But check out his upcoming
tour dates below."

[sighs]

I shouldn't have had
that extra iced tea.

- The alien baby
has not returned.

I need to find it so I can get
the rest of Goliath's message.

Right now, all I know is that

there is another dangerous
alien race already on Earth.

[screech-clicking]

[warbles]

I also know if I
can't figure out

how to get the autopsy back,

Asta will end up in Jessup jail,

and I will have to bake her
a cake with a file in it

like the cartoons
so she can escape.

I don't want to bake a cake.

Why can't the cartoons
bake escape pies?

- There he is!

Thought I'd bring
some brewskis by,

celebrate your first
day back on the job.

- I just saw you
today. That is enough.

- Ah, that was just
therapy. That doesn't count.

This is the real hang.
Just a couple of dudes,

no girls allowed,
order some 'za, huh?

Come on, it'll be fun!
- No.

No, get back in your
car. This is my house.

- Oh, windy out here.
- Leave!

- Yeah, let's go!
- No!

[soft acoustic guitar music]

- [sighs]

?

- Well, just so you know,

I'm sending you the co-pay
for my next dental bill.

- Mm, way to work in
that you have insurance.

That's hot. [chuckles]

- A woman who hits on me with
her mouth full... also hot.

[both laugh]

- Well, I figured that

I owed you the
whole dessert menu

after standing you up last time.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, no,

that night was just...

Um, anyway, I'm here now.
- Are you?

Because a few minutes ago,

I asked if you had any
brothers or sisters,

and you said, "Fine, thanks!"

- Did I?
- You know, he waited for you

for three hours.

I respect a man with confidence

to return to the
scene of a rejection.

- Wow. Damn.

- Three hours?

- Speaks to a man's character,

puttin' in the time
for what he wants.

Careful, D'arcy.

Looks like you hooked
yourself a real one.

- He is...
- Rude.

- Direct.
- Rude.

- [laughs]

- Um, no, that's wrong.

I'm the rude one.

I'm sorry.

I'm here now, and
I'm happy to be here.

A little nervous,
maybe. But...

I guess some of us feel like
we don't deserve nice things,

and you're a very nice thing.

- You're a nice thing too.

- ? This broken heart

? I know there's better
days for this broken heart ?

? I know there's better
days for this broken heart ?

- Yeah, how do you ruin salmon?

I mean, you basically just
shine a flashlight on it,

and it's done.

- This craft beer
is 15% alcohol.

Based on his flab to ab ratio,

he will be unconscious
in four minutes,

peeing himself in six.

Not on my couch!

- What?
[hiccups]

- Nothing.

- Hey, uh... you ever
play any drinking games?

- I have a drinking game.

Why don't you call the police

and tell them that I
should do the autopsy?

If you do it, you win!

- [laughs] No way.

Dead guy found in Jessup.
Eh... Jessup murder.

I could've modeled, you know?

Did I ever tell you that?

I was scouted at
a mall one time.

Guy came up to me, handed
me a business card.

I called it. It's legit.

Told Kate about it
once. She said, "Cool."

You know, a guy comes up to
you in a mall, gives you a hug,

offers you a modeling gig...
A little bit more than cool.

- You know what is cool?

Murder.

You should fight to have
this one in Patience.

- [sighs] No, we already
have enough of those.

Unless the killer, you know,

was somehow standing
in Patience,

this is a Jessup problem.

- What he doesn't know is,

the real killer was
definitely in Patience

when she shot the man.

I'm going for a walk.
Do not pee on my couch!

- He said I had
Superman's jawline.

[hiccups] Ouch.

[suspenseful music]

- If the mayor is not going to
help me get the autopsy back,

I will do it myself.

?

Mm.

This is the shell casing
from Asta's rifle.

If I use this correctly,
I can move the focus

of the murder and the
autopsy back to Patience.

?

This is the shell from
the dead guy's gun...

From the bullet that
almost killed me.

[gunshot fires]

- Few inches lower and this
would've hit your heart,

and you'd be dead.
- Mm.

?

[laughs]

Now the bullet shell is gone,

and it is like I was
never shot at all.

Mm.

It does not bother me.
Everything is fine.

Everything is just fine.

[alien baby clicking]

[vomits]

?

[suspenseful music]

- So what do you got?

- Ha, sorry if we
interrupted your workout.

- I run six miles every
morning for a healthy body,

and I do the crossword every
night for a healthy mind.

- I can solve a Rubik's Cube.

I learned from a book, but I
don't need the book anymore.

- Cool! My little
niece can do that.

- All right, Detective Torres,
this is Harry Vanderspeigle.

He's our town doctor. He
was gonna do the autopsy

before you decided
to steal his body.

All right Dr. V, she's
here. So you wanna tell me

why you got three of
my deputies out there

scouring underneath those trees?

- I have a working theory that
I would like to share with you,

with the aid of my
assistant, Judy Pooper.

- It's Cooper.
Pooper's my butt.

- Judy Cooter.
- Cooper!

Cooter's my lady pocket.

- Should we get outside?

- There was a perfect line
from those trees over there

to the hot tub.

Go.

With a hunting rifle, the
murderer could have hidden

over there to take the shot.

The shot knocks the
man into the water...

Bang!
- Oh!

Oh. Ah!

[grunting]

Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh, no.

- What the hell?
- Wow.

- Why?

Excuse me.

- Was that good?
- You did not have to

fall in the water.
I told her that.

This is dead human soup.
- [spits]

- Sheriff, I found a
shell of a hunting rifle.

- Look at that.

- Well, that looks like an
excellent working theory.

- Sir, those trees are on the
Patience side of the line.

- Mm-hmm.

Detective, I think
we can all agree

that this murder here
crosses county lines.

- Dr. Vanderspeigle, you
got a good handle on this.

You should take the autopsy,

and if your theory
proves correct,

looks like we might
be partners on this.

- Ugh.
- I will be happy

to do the autopsy.

- Probably not happy,
because the man is dead.

- No, I will be very happy.
[laughs]

[water bubbling]

- Judy...
- This water stinks.

- Hey, Asta. I got your text.

What's going on?
- Hey, um,

I wanted to talk to
you about something.

- Okay.

- Hey, girls!

- Hi, Dan!
- Hi, Dad.

- If you tell the police,

then the bad people will know
that you killed their friend,

and then they will
come and kill you

and everyone that
is close to you.

- Hi?

- I just wanted to
tell you how much

I appreciate you and Mike
and all the hard work you do.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- You sure that's it?

- Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

That's it. Okay, thanks.

- Okay, yeah.
- Cool.

?

- The beaver's dexterity
allows it to hold food

in its front paws as it eats.

The herbivore
feasts on a quiet...

- [sighs]

- Took you long enough.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you not enjoying the fact
that I am funding your safety?

- I'm sorry. I'm just hungry.

- I have a problem.

There has to be a mole
somewhere in my organization.

Nobody else knew
about our meetup.

Nobody else could've told
that sniper where to be.

So congratulations, you're the
only one who can't be the mole.

- Huh.
- But can I trust you?

- Of course.

- Then why did I
find the alien ball

hidden under the
floorboards last night

after I drugged your food?
- You drugged me?

- Do you think I'm
stupid? You held onto this

because it's the only thing
that could've saved your life.

- Well, if you've
been drugging my food,

then clearly, I can't
trust you either.

- Good. Now we're
on the same page.

We have an unknown common enemy.

We're on the same side now.

[suspenseful music]

?

- Hey, how do I know you're
not just gonna drug me again?

- You don't.

- Victory! The
autopsy is mine.

Now all I have to do

is falsify the
results in my favor,

and Asta and I will be free.

Are you ready?
- Yes.

- Here is what I will do.

The time of death was
approximately 11:45 p.m.

I will say it was 4:00
a.m. the next morning.

There is dirt on the body

from when we moved
it from the woods.

I will not note that.

There is also bruising
on the carcass

from when we dragged it over
the sticks and the pinecones.

I will not note that, either.

You shot him from 10 feet away?

I will say that the wound
indicates that he was killed

from 50 feet away,
approximately.

Mark the bullet's
point of entry.

This is the death hole.

- [panting]
- What the hell happened?

- Did you mark it?

[suspenseful music]

?

[gunshot]

?

We have not finished
the autopsy.

- I can't do it.

- Why not?

- How do I live with myself?

I killed him.

[solemn music]

How do I live the rest
of my life like this?

I just want to forget
the whole thing.

I can't do it. I can't!

- It is okay.

It will be okay.
- No, it won't.

It'll never be okay again.

- I can feel her pain
as if it is inside me.

If she could just pretend
it did not happen,

she would feel better.

Do not think about the pain.

- How?

- If she cannot push
the bad feelings away,

I can help her.

I can erase all of her memories

of that night for her, and
she will be happy again.

[Molly Drake's "Happiness"]

She will forget, and
everything will be okay.

- ? Happiness is like
a bird with 20 wings ?

? Try to catch
him as he flies ?

? You can try to make
him walk beside you ?

? You can say the
door is open wide ?

? If I can catch him I
will try to bring you ?

? All my love

? And happiness

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.