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1
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,500
- There. I've got you a nice little
blanket. OK?
2
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,740
Pop it on there like that, Daddy.
3
00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:36,900
Sit still.
4
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,020
There. Look at you!
5
00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:32,940
- Now, a favourite for the Last Night
Of The Proms...
6
00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,820
- ..Henry Wood's Fantasia On British
Sea Songs.
7
00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:40,540
- Ha!
8
00:01:46,580 --> 00:01:51,020
Dawn, you're missing The Saucy
Arethusa!
9
00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:52,580
We'll be through in a minute!
10
00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:57,380
- They don't half work hard on that
spread, do they, Bri?
11
00:01:58,420 --> 00:02:00,300
Remember that cheeseboard last year?
12
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,860
Red Leicester, White Stilton and the
Shropshire Blue.
13
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,060
- Mm. How could I forget?
14
00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,340
I was farting The National Anthem all
the way home.
15
00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:07,540
- Ha!
16
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:10,140
Using the woodwind section, I suppose?
17
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,780
You're taking music as one of your A
levels,
18
00:02:16,780 --> 00:02:18,300
aren't you, Ollie?
19
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:21,220
- What?
- Your Uncle Mick asked you a
question.
20
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,980
- You still studying music?
21
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:24,180
- Music Tech.
22
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:28,100
- Oh, right. On the computers and
such. Very wise.
23
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:30,420
That's the future, isn't it?
24
00:02:30,420 --> 00:02:32,980
- Not really - it's more like the
present.
25
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:34,460
- Give me vinyl any day.
26
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,300
Music is analogue.
27
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:38,020
Needs a range of frequencies.
28
00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:42,100
You lose so much compressing it into
one of those little boxes.
29
00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,500
- Little boxes?
30
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,860
- iPods or whatever.
31
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:46,620
- Shut up, Dad. No-one cares.
32
00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:48,620
- Wanker.
- No, I'm with you, Brian.
33
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:50,860
Sometimes, the old ways are the best.
34
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:54,100
- Ah, well, that's something we can
both agree on at least.
35
00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:04,860
- You going to help at all with these
arrangements, Penny?
36
00:03:04,860 --> 00:03:07,700
Or are you just gonna stand there
rubbing that spoon to kingdom come?
37
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,220
- Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.
38
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:11,100
- Ah, I thought I could smell burning.
39
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,860
- Don't let the dog
40
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,860
near the table! Please!
41
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:17,100
Mick smashed a glass there earlier,
42
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,620
trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail.
43
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,900
"Cockup," I told him!
44
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:25,020
- I always thought Brian had a bit of
Tom Cruise in him.
45
00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:29,180
Now I think he'd just like a bit of
Tom Cruise in him.
46
00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:32,900
- Right, there are two bottles of
water in the conservatory -
47
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,460
one still, one sparkling.
48
00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:36,300
Can you get them, please? Thank you.
49
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,340
Well, come on! Chop chop!
50
00:03:39,980 --> 00:03:41,140
Right.
51
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:45,140
- You'll be needing these.
52
00:03:45,140 --> 00:03:48,500
- Why? Is Katherine Jenkins making an
appearance?
53
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,180
- Don't be so disgusting, Brian.
54
00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:52,220
They're for the sobbing.
55
00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:01,700
You see, Ollie,
56
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,500
when Henry Wood put these songs
together,
57
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,460
it was to represent the life of a
British sailor
58
00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:07,100
in the Battle of Trafalgar.
59
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,380
The call to arms, the thoughts of
home...
60
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:12,220
This one's all about the loss of a
comrade, Tom Bowling.
61
00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:15,660
And the Prommers, they all pretend to
cry. See?
62
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:18,180
LAUGHS They're having a good old weep.
63
00:04:18,180 --> 00:04:21,100
- Why?
- It's tradition, Oliver.
64
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:22,540
Traditions are important.
65
00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:24,500
Certain songs have got certain
actions.
66
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,300
- It's a middle-class Time Warp.
67
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,180
The Rocky Horror Show for retired
schoolteachers.
68
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,380
- Enough of your peevishness, please.
Thank you.
69
00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:33,540
This is Oliver's first Last Night.
70
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,820
- Heaven knows, it might be Daddy's
last.
71
00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:37,460
So let's just try and enjoy it.
72
00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:43,100
- Big hairy bush.
73
00:04:46,380 --> 00:04:47,580
- Hello.
74
00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:51,540
I saw you earlier, didn't I?
75
00:04:51,540 --> 00:04:52,980
At St Peter's.
76
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:55,060
I was putting flowers on my mum's
grave.
77
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:59,340
And then I saw you outside Farmfoods
on the high street.
78
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,220
I gave you a £2 coin.
79
00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:02,700
Do you remember?
80
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,940
Are you following me?
81
00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:07,860
- No English very good.
82
00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:10,580
- Well, if you've come here to molest
me,
83
00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:13,020
that's just too bad - my husband's in
the other room.
84
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,180
Although the sound is very loud,
85
00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:18,460
so he probably wouldn't hear anything.
86
00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:19,580
I'm Penny.
87
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,460
- Yusuf.
88
00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:24,060
- Are you a friend of Dawn and Mick's?
89
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,420
I'd be very surprised.
90
00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:30,500
She's not normally keen on people of
your...genre.
91
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:32,460
- Friend.
92
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:35,180
- Oh, you've got lovely skin, I know
that.
93
00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:39,540
- What was that?
94
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,420
- I don't know, a balloon or
something.
95
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,060
Oh, he's shushing them, look!
96
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:51,020
Oh, he's quite a character, this chap,
isn't he?
- Yeah.
97
00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:00,060
- God, here we go!
98
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,420
- Jack's The Lad! Ooh-ar, ooh-ar!
99
00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:04,100
- This is where the fun starts!
100
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,580
- Yes, why bother with the
Shostakovich and the Verdi
101
00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:09,620
when you can have the Blue Peter theme
tune instead.
102
00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:13,340
- Your dad likes all the dreary ones,
Oliver,
103
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,980
but we can't stick 'em.
104
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,100
It doesn't get going for us
105
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,820
until the Fantasia Of British Sea
Songs.
106
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,100
- Fantasia ON British Sea Songs. "On!"
107
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:21,140
- All right!
108
00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:23,380
- If you're going to destroy a work by
honking all over it,
109
00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:25,860
at least get the bloody name right!
- Don't be such a snob!
110
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:28,020
- I'm not a snob, Dawn, I'm just a
music lover.
111
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,260
Oh, I love it when they change the
tune deliberately
112
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:34,180
just to get a rise out of the
conductor.
113
00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:35,260
- Where's your mother?
114
00:06:36,420 --> 00:06:38,620
- It's Last Night Of The Proms.
115
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,340
They play it all over the world.
116
00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:42,060
Well, maybe not where you're from.
117
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:46,180
This one's called The Sailor's
Hornpipe.
118
00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:47,620
- Hornpipe.
119
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,300
- I want to bob to it.
120
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,420
My husband won't bob.
121
00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:56,100
We haven't bobbed in more than three
years!
122
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,340
He says it's because
123
00:06:57,340 --> 00:06:59,500
he's depressed about the state of the
country,
124
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,100
but that doesn't stop him watching
RuPaul's Drag Race
125
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,260
in his study till all hours of the
morning!
126
00:07:04,260 --> 00:07:07,180
Can you feel my heart beating?
127
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:16,180
- Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy!
128
00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:17,940
- No, I'm all right, thanks, Auntie
Dawn.
129
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:20,700
- No, nonsense. You've got to get into
the spirit of it. Come on!
130
00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:25,140
- And while we're at it, Delibes'
Flower Duet
131
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,380
is not "the British Airways music".
132
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,220
The Largo from Dvorak's New World
Symphony
133
00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,820
is not "the Hovis music".
134
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:33,140
And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
135
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,740
deserves far greater respect
136
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,540
than being dubbed "the Old Spice
music".
137
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,780
- What's Old Spice music?
138
00:07:38,780 --> 00:07:41,180
- Theme tune to the X Factor!
139
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:42,780
I can't leave Brian.
140
00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:44,620
Don't ask me to.
141
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,380
He needs me!
142
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,180
Oh!
- Please.
143
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,300
Where is bathroom?
144
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,220
- Here we go! DAWN:
- Where are we going?
145
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:54,780
Oh, we're going round. Right.
146
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:57,660
Wahey!
147
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,300
Oh, right, Daddy!
148
00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:23,700
- Oh, well done!
149
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,620
Oh, my God! I'm pooped!
150
00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:29,140
- That's why they call it the poop
deck.
- Is it?
151
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:30,580
- I've got no idea.
152
00:08:32,540 --> 00:08:34,460
Got a gin and gin tonic itch?
153
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:36,420
- Ooh, yes, please.
154
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,380
- Did you enjoy that, Daddy?
155
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:43,420
- Stroke my pizzle.
156
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:54,180
Home, Sweet Home
157
00:08:56,580 --> 00:08:58,060
- Can I go now, Dad?
158
00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:00,220
- No.
159
00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:02,460
See it through to the bitter end,
160
00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:03,900
like I have to.
161
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,620
- Can I have a drink, then?
162
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,140
- Of course not!
163
00:09:11,140 --> 00:09:16,940
# There's no place like home. #
164
00:09:16,940 --> 00:09:19,020
Oh, I'm making a sampler of that.
165
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,140
Tuesday night craft club.
166
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:24,500
I'm going to hang it there, just
beside the fireplace.
167
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,820
- Don't you need Ralph's permission to
do that?
168
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:30,300
- Oh, he won't mind. Will you, Daddy?
169
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,940
- Sieg heil! Hande hoch!
170
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,740
- What's it to you, anyway?
171
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,100
- Nothing.
172
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,980
- Oh, here she is!
173
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:13,820
You just missed a stomping Hornpipe.
174
00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:16,780
- No, I felt it. I heard it. I had my
hands full.
175
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:19,260
- Ollie was up, boogying with the
oldies.
176
00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:21,180
He taught me a few moves. Dab!
177
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,700
- Where the heck have you been?
178
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,300
- Oh, I went to get the water.
179
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,260
- Well, this is supposed to be a
family gathering
180
00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:28,460
and all I've got is Daddy shouting
obscenities,
181
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,820
Oliver on his mobile telephone
182
00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:33,900
and your husband giving me lessons on
classical music.
183
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,140
- Sorry!
- Well, come on, then,
184
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,140
make yourself useful, please. Thank
you.
185
00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:38,820
Standing there like a stick of
rhubarb.
186
00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:40,340
Oliver's spitting feathers.
187
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:58,140
- See, The Conquering Hero Comes!
188
00:10:58,140 --> 00:11:00,660
- Glad to see you've still got your
glass full.
189
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,700
- Well, how else am I going to get
through it?
190
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:05,380
- What? You mean this night, or our
marriage?
191
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:07,460
Are you enjoying yourself, Oliver?
192
00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:08,580
- It's all right.
193
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,420
What time does it finish?
194
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,260
- Auld Lang Syne. Dab!
195
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:18,780
- We were going to get you a flag
196
00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:21,860
as part of your birthday present,
weren't we, Pen?
197
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,940
- If you're talking about the EU flag,
198
00:11:23,940 --> 00:11:26,020
then, no, thank you very much.
199
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:27,700
Up yours, Delors!
200
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:31,260
I think it's scandalous they let so
many in this year.
201
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:32,460
- What? Flags or foreigners?
202
00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,260
- The flags!
203
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,740
It's like bloomin' Eurovision at
times.
204
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,740
It's supposed to be an English concert
205
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:39,780
for English people.
206
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,060
- BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn.
207
00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:43,140
Aye, let's
not forget
208
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:44,460
the wee Scots folk out there.
209
00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:46,460
MIMICS WELSH ACCENT And the Welsh as
well, boyo.
210
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:48,820
They've got damn fine singing voices!
211
00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:50,780
Oh, I went a bit Pakistani there,
didn't I?
212
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,940
Boris! What have you done?
213
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:10,420
Naughty dog! Naughty!
214
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:14,820
- Mm, who have we got singing
Britannia this year?
215
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:16,420
Very serious looking, isn't he?
216
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,460
- Mm. Handsome, though.
217
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,940
- He's got a look of George Bush about
him.
218
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:31,060
- # When Britain first... #
219
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:32,580
- Boobies!
220
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,100
- Don't laugh, Oliver, please.
221
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,380
It's his medication.
222
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:41,060
- # Pree-eee-eeety jugs! #
223
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:42,260
- Before his diagnosis,
224
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:45,540
I never once heard him say a cuss
word.
225
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:46,980
Now...
226
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,940
..it's like living with Sid James.
227
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,660
Mum? What is this?
228
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:56,700
- Just mineral water.
229
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:03,900
- # Rule, Britannia Britannia rules
the waves
230
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:08,980
# Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves
231
00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:13,180
# Rule, Britannia Britannia rules the
waves... #
232
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,660
- It's "rule", not "rules"!
233
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:18,140
Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation
mark,
234
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,340
Britannia, comma, rule the waves.
235
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:23,220
It's an exhortation. It's not a
statement of fact!
236
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,500
- Oh, shut up!
- No, no, I won't shut up!
237
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,460
- We had our charter of the land, and
you lost.
238
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:30,500
- Oh, we said we weren't going to
mention that this year.
- 52%.
239
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,580
- It's not my fault the slugs voted
for more salt!
240
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,660
- You're just jealous cos we got our
country back.
241
00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:37,260
- Oh, YOUR country?!
242
00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:38,500
- Yeah.
- Really?
243
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,780
- Yes!
- Brian!
244
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,780
- Well, you are welcome to it. Look at
'em!
245
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,300
Little England.
246
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:47,020
The Classic FM brigade.
247
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:50,900
The sort of people whose idea of
humour is a pigeon landing
248
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,380
on Centre Court at Wimbledon. I'm
sorry, Dawn,
249
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,460
but what you don't realise is people
like...
250
00:13:55,460 --> 00:14:00,380
- # Rule, Britannia Britannia rules
the waves
251
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:05,340
# Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves! #
252
00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:06,620
- Yeah!
253
00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:21,140
Makes you proud, though, doesn't it,
Bri?
254
00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:24,300
No other country in the world could do
this - the pageantry of it!
255
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:27,660
- Oh, I don't know. North Koreans
could give it a good go.
256
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:30,500
- I'm sorry, but when did it become a
crime to love your country?
257
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,540
I mean, what happened to you to make
you so full of bitterness?
258
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,020
- Oh, you love your country, do you,
Dawn?
259
00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:37,220
Are you sure about that?
260
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,460
- What?
- He doesn't love anything.
261
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,660
He's a hollowed-out husk of a man!
262
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:44,100
- Oh, piss off! I love things. I love
my car.
263
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,460
I love my record collection. I love
the gym.
264
00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:48,580
- You love the changing rooms,
265
00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:52,020
full of willies and hairy bum holes!
- What?!
266
00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:56,940
- # Rule, Britannia Britannia, rule
the waves
267
00:14:56,940 --> 00:15:02,940
# Britons never ever, ever shall be
slaves
268
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:08,780
# Rule, Britannia Britannia, rule the
waves
269
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:12,220
# Britons never, ever, ever
270
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:15,420
# Shall be
271
00:15:15,420 --> 00:15:19,460
# Slaves! #
272
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:22,620
Fan-bloody-tastic!
273
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,140
As Mr Punch would say,
274
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,100
"That's the way to do it!"
275
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:30,420
- Oh, just ignore him, Penny, he's a
miserable bastard.
276
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:32,340
- Oh, you calling me a bastard?
277
00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:34,460
That's rich!
- Well, yeah, sitting there
278
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:35,700
with your snide insinuendos
279
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,220
when we're all trying to have fun.
280
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,660
- Oh, leave it, Dawny.
281
00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:40,620
- Well, look, I've got no hard
feelings.
282
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,260
- You can say that again.
283
00:15:42,260 --> 00:15:45,740
- And to prove it, I've got you a
little birthday present.
284
00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:49,620
I know it isn't your birthday for
another couple of weeks,
285
00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:52,300
but it seemed appropriate.
286
00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:59,580
- I told him not to print it.
287
00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:02,140
- Freddie did it for me at the gym.
288
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:03,500
- Bum chums.
289
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,940
- What is it? Penny?
290
00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:08,340
- Well, we knew you were tracing our
family tree,
291
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:11,460
and I thought it might be fun to do a
DNA test for you.
292
00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:12,740
Mick got us the swab.
293
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:14,860
- Remember when I said I wanted to
count your teeth,
294
00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:16,300
cos it had come up on the pub quiz?
295
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,060
I managed to get a sneaky little
cotton bud in there!
296
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,260
- So we sent it away to the labs in
America.
297
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:24,260
They don't claim to have 100%
accuracy.
298
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:31,660
- You're 62% German, Fraulein Schmidt.
299
00:16:31,660 --> 00:16:33,900
- What?
- Bloody hell!
300
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,500
- Well, that's going back hundreds of
years, mind.
301
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:40,260
Und so, ve decided to play detective
302
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,940
and do ze test with Penny.
303
00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,220
Und, surprisingly, her results
304
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:46,580
were entirely different to yours.
305
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:47,980
And zen we did the test with Ralph,
306
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,420
and his results were the same as
Penny's.
307
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:54,100
Hmm, something is rotten in the state
of Denmark.
308
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,900
- What's he blethering on about?
309
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:58,500
- I was told I was conceived on
holiday in Weston-super-Mare.
310
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,020
- Well, it seems that Mummy went
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
311
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,180
Daddy refused to go with her.
312
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:06,060
He's always hated the Germans because
of the war.
313
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:08,540
And so she went on her own.
314
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:12,780
- Und brought back a rather unusual
souvenir.
315
00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:14,100
Achtung, baby!
316
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,940
- All right, Brian, pack it in now!
317
00:17:15,940 --> 00:17:17,700
- Mum, I don't feel very well.
318
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,900
- And, so, when Daddy,
319
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,100
who, it turns out, isn't really Daddy,
320
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,860
eventually pops his Crocs,
321
00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:26,860
this house, where you and your tit of
a husband
322
00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:29,980
have been cuckoos in the nest for over
20 years,
323
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,660
is going to come to us -
324
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:35,180
me and Penny, the legitimate daughter!
325
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,900
So stick that in your meerschaum pipe
326
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:37,940
and smoke it!
327
00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,460
- Oh!
328
00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:42,900
For goodness' sake, what have you been
drinking?!
329
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,980
Water!
330
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:49,420
- Jesus Christ!
- Who the bloody hell's that?!
331
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:53,460
- He comes to take me away.
332
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:55,180
He's come to take me away.
333
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:56,620
- It's all right, Dad.
334
00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:58,100
Daddy... Just...
335
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,500
Everybody just be calm.
336
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,180
How did you get in here?
337
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,580
Penny?
338
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:03,860
Do you know this person?
- No.
339
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:05,100
- Friend.
340
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,780
- Well, he seems to know who you are.
341
00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:09,020
- No, I've never seen him before in my
life!
342
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:12,020
- Please...
343
00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:13,300
- Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
344
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,740
You stay where you are, mate.
345
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:16,540
- Oh, now who's a Little Englander?!
346
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:17,780
- Oh, shut up, Helga!
347
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:20,620
He could have a bomb or anything. Put
your hands up!
348
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:22,900
Oh, I don't think that's
necessary.
349
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,940
He's probably one of these illegal
immigrants
350
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:26,900
come from that detention centre in
Yeovil.
351
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:28,380
- Well, what's he doing here, then?!
352
00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:30,580
- I don't know, he's probably just
hungry.
353
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:32,060
Do you want some bread
354
00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:33,980
or a little bowl of milk or something?
355
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,660
- He's not a hedgehog, Mick.
356
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:36,740
- Hands up!
357
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:46,220
# Land of hope and glory... #
358
00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,860
- Well, I'll be blowed!
359
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,820
Dawn! Penny!
360
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:54,020
- What? What is it?
361
00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:56,380
- When I came through earlier, all
this food had been eaten.
362
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:59,300
- Eaten?
- Yeah. The dog must have climbed up
on a chair or something.
363
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,500
And now...
- It's a miracle!
364
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:03,780
- Do you think he could be...
365
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:06,780
..from Ocado?
366
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:08,820
- I'm sorry about this.
367
00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:11,180
I just want to be sure you're not
carrying
368
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:12,380
a concealed weapon.
369
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:17,700
People get tied up, gagged, forcibly
broken into.
370
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:19,620
I... I don't want that to happen to
me.
371
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:20,660
- Dad...
372
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,460
..he's bleeding.
373
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:29,380
He's come back, just like the song
said he would.
374
00:19:29,380 --> 00:19:30,820
- What song? What you on about?
375
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,100
- A New Jerusalem.
376
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,580
- You were an awfully long time in
that conservatory, Penny.
377
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:36,260
You sure you don't know what's going
on?
378
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,980
- I told you, I've never seen him...
379
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:40,300
- What?
380
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,300
- I denied him three times!
381
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:46,700
Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry!
382
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:49,700
I am so, so sorry!
383
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,700
- What are you talking about? I never
touched him.
384
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,780
- I think the best thing is if I just
phone the police.
385
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:56,860
- No! They'll persecute him and stick
him in a cell.
386
00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:59,540
- We've got to do something, Penny. I
can't have him standing there,
387
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:02,500
bleeding all over my house!
- Er, it's not your house, remember?
388
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:04,020
- Oh, fuck off, Brian.
- Oh!
389
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,900
You'll have to forgive my
sister-in-law.
390
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,100
What's your name?
- Yusuf.
391
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,380
- She's had a rather nasty shock. She,
like you,
392
00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:11,980
finds herself far from her motherland.
393
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:14,900
- This piece of paper means nothing to
me.
394
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:17,060
Do you understand? Nothing!
395
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:20,020
It doesn't change who I am or what I
believe in.
396
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:21,180
I love my country!
397
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:24,500
And I'm sick and tired of people like
you doing us down!
398
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:26,260
- I'm not ready to go yet!
399
00:20:26,260 --> 00:20:27,700
- I thought you'd be pleased -
400
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:29,460
coming from the land of Beethoven's
Ninth
401
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,820
and Black Forest gateau, Volkswagen
and Audi.
402
00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:33,900
Vorsprung durch Technik and Arbeit
macht frei...
403
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,500
- You're a monster!
404
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,580
- Oh, let's put shells on little
sticks,
405
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:40,220
so you can poke around in your own
stool to see how healthy you are!
406
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,700
For the love of God, will
you leave her alone?!
407
00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:50,300
- # Land of hope and glory
408
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:55,580
# Mother of the free... #
409
00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:58,860
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- # How shall we extol thee? #
410
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:02,060
- Oh, Dad!
411
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,220
- It's OK.
412
00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:10,220
- Sorry.
413
00:21:10,220 --> 00:21:12,900
- It's all right, just look at me.
Look at me.
414
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:14,340
It's all right. Sh.
415
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:17,740
It's OK. It's all right. Everything's
OK. It's OK.
416
00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:20,220
It's OK. It's all right.
417
00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,740
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
418
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:27,620
- Forgive them, Father, for they know
not what they do.
419
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,500
Stop it, Brian! Stop it!
420
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,420
- # Make thee
421
00:21:39,420 --> 00:21:45,580
# Mightier yet! #
422
00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:49,020
- I... I'm thirsty...
423
00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,020
Jerusalem
424
00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:46,340
- # And did those feet in ancient
times
425
00:22:46,340 --> 00:22:52,580
# Walk upon England's mountains green?
426
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:58,900
# And was the holy Lamb of God
427
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:05,380
# On England's pleasant pastures seen?
428
00:23:05,380 --> 00:23:11,300
# And did the Countenance Divine
429
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:17,420
# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
430
00:23:17,420 --> 00:23:23,940
# And was Jerusalem builded here
431
00:23:23,940 --> 00:23:26,820
# Among these dark
432
00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:32,180
# Satanic mills?
433
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:43,700
# Bring me my bow
434
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:47,460
# Of burning gold
435
00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:53,500
# Bring me my arrows of desire
436
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:59,380
# Bring me my spear O clouds unfold
437
00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:06,100
# Bring me my chariot of fire
438
00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:12,100
# I will not cease from mental fight
439
00:24:12,100 --> 00:24:18,860
# Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
440
00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:25,180
# Till we have built Jerusalem
441
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,860
# In England's green
442
00:24:27,860 --> 00:24:33,900
# And pleasant land. #
443
00:24:56,860 --> 00:24:58,340
He's fast asleep.
444
00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:01,260
I, erm...
445
00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:04,980
I put Oliver in Mummy's bed.
446
00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:07,700
Can't remember the last time it was
slept in.
447
00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:10,340
- I can.
448
00:25:10,340 --> 00:25:13,060
Last year, when we had that argument
about cream teas.
449
00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:15,300
- It's jam first.
- It's cream first.
450
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,620
Anyway, I was despatched from the
marital bed
451
00:25:19,620 --> 00:25:23,340
and that's where I ended up spending
the night.
452
00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,340
- You did a great job with the room.
453
00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:27,860
Yeah.
454
00:25:27,860 --> 00:25:30,140
Oh, and I found The Angel...
455
00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:32,820
...Islington, so we've got a full
Monopoly now.
456
00:25:33,820 --> 00:25:36,420
- Oh, well, there's some good news.
457
00:25:36,420 --> 00:25:37,820
- Good news?!
458
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:41,980
- I was just explaining to Penny
459
00:25:41,980 --> 00:25:44,340
that all that food came out of our
chest freezer, so...
460
00:25:45,740 --> 00:25:47,700
..not a miracle after all.
461
00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:51,060
- Maybe he was some kind of chef.
462
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:52,340
- Mm.
- Yeah.
463
00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:55,940
- And those water bottles, I use for
my home brew,
464
00:25:55,940 --> 00:25:57,980
so they could easily have had alcohol
in them.
465
00:25:57,980 --> 00:25:59,300
- That explains that.
466
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:00,860
- And the stigmata?
467
00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:02,940
- I told you earlier.
468
00:26:02,940 --> 00:26:05,340
Mick smashed a glass. He probably just
cut himself.
469
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,060
He wasn't special, darling.
470
00:26:09,060 --> 00:26:10,500
He wasn't the Second Coming.
471
00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:14,300
Just a strange man who broke into our
house.
472
00:26:15,820 --> 00:26:17,500
- We had to defend ourselves.
473
00:26:19,460 --> 00:26:21,220
Englishman's home and all that.
474
00:26:21,220 --> 00:26:22,660
- That's right, Brian.
475
00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:24,860
It's Daddy's home.
476
00:26:27,140 --> 00:26:29,140
We had to do what was best by him.
477
00:26:30,740 --> 00:26:31,860
- Absolutely.
478
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:37,220
- He had such beautiful skin.
479
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:45,460
- # Should old acquaintance be forgot
480
00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:51,740
# And never brought to mind?
481
00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:57,220
# Should old acquaintance be forgot
482
00:26:57,220 --> 00:27:01,900
# For the sake of auld lang syne
483
00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:06,220
# For auld lang syne
484
00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,020
# My dear
485
00:27:08,020 --> 00:27:12,660
# For auld lang syne
486
00:27:12,660 --> 00:27:18,540
# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
487
00:27:18,540 --> 00:27:22,420
# For auld lang syne. #
488
00:27:22,420 --> 00:27:29,020
# For auld lang syne, my dear
489
00:27:29,020 --> 00:27:34,620
# For auld lang syne
490
00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:40,260
# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
491
00:27:40,260 --> 00:27:42,420
# For the sake
492
00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:44,860
# Of auld lang
493
00:27:44,860 --> 00:27:49,540
# Syne. #
35950
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