All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - S06E04 (EN)

This programme contains some strong
language

Hi, James. How are you? I'm Jo.

We've set up a room for you down here,

if you'd like to follow me.

- Yeah, sure.

I just need to speak to someone from,
um, Costume.

- That's another one - James.

- Thanks.

Nice view.

- Copy that. Sorry?

- Uh, nice view!

So, is that the actual caravan?

- Yeah. I'm just parking him in the
greenroom for now.

You can pop yourself down there,
James,

and we'll get to you as soon as we
can.

Would you like a drink of anything?

- Oh, a cup of tea would be great.

- OK. Do you have a reusable cup?

- No.

No, not on me, no.

- No worries. We'll see if we can sort
that for you.

We're running a bit behind,

but there's only a couple of set-ups
left on 12 and then

we'll be on to 42, OK?
- Yeah. 42.

Is that where I've got my dialogue?

- No idea, to be honest, but I can
find out for you

straight away.
- Oh, thanks.

And is it possible to have a quick
word with Costume

because my watch is...?

"Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?"

"Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?
Something's come up."

Oh, sorry. Um, they said I was all
right

to wait in here. I'm with the filming
crew.

- It's fine. I'm not bothered.

- Is this your house?

- Sort of.

- It must be nice, like you're on
holiday all the time.

- We can't go on holiday.

Went to Filey when I were little,
but...

- can't remember it.

- Right.

- I'm celebrating a birthday today.

- Oh? Happy birthday.

- I'm having a glass of champagne.

- Ah, lovely.

- Do you want some?
- Oh, no, I'd better not.

I've got my big scene coming up.
- Are you an actor?

- Yeah. Yeah, I play Bobby.

It's a great script.

It's by Jeff Pope.

I don't know if you've seen any of his
stuff.

He's done some really good ITV dramas
recently.
- I like Disney.

- Ah. Yeah, well...

They're classics.

What's your favourite?
- Dumbo 1.

- Right.

- So, you're not a real policeman,
then?

- No. No, just costume.

I did want to be a detective when I
was little, but...

Well, that's the beauty of acting -

you can be a different person every
week.

- I wouldn't want to be anyone
different.

I'm happy being me.

- Bev! What are you doing here?

I told you, you've got to stay in your
room today!

I'm sorry, sir. Was she bothering you?

- No, no, not at all. It's your house.

- Come on! Shift yourself!

Back in your hutch!
- Get knotted!

- She never listens to anything I say!

I do apologise.

- Honestly, please, you go about your
business.

I'm fine. It is her birthday, after
all.

- No, it's not. Is that what she told
you?

She's such a liar.

She just does it for attention.

It's because she's an only child.

- It's not real champagne.

It's Tropical Lucozade!

Do you want some now?

- No, I've got a tea coming.

I might see where she is, actually.
- Oh, no. If you want a cuppa,

I'll get you one. Sit down!

You get back to learning your lines

and we'll leave you alone.

What's your name, love?

- James.
- Nice to meet you, James.

I'm Oona, and this is my daughter,
Bev.

- Hi, Bev.

- Nothing worse than someone busying
themselves around you

when you're trying to concentrate, is
there?

You just want peace and quiet.

Do you get fed up with people always
asking you questions

and wittering on at you?

I know I would.

- Comes with the job.

- Have you got a big part, James?

- Shut up, you dirty bitch.

James knows what I mean, don't you,
James?
- Yeah.

It's not a huge role, but it's
important for the story.

Um... I play Bobby.

- Bobby?
- Yeah. He's the one that

reported that there was a sighting of
baby Ryan in the park.

- East Park, that was, wasn't it?

Terrible business.

- It's a nice scene for me, though.

I get to act with Adrian, so, you
know,

good for the show reel.

- I'm not sure they should be dredging
it all up again.

It was over 20 years ago.

- It's a good script.

It's Jeff Pope, so sensitively done,
you know?

- I should hope so.

That poor family.

Losing a child?

People have no idea.

- Oh, are you ready for me?
- Not quite.

The plan is to do 15 first as they're
all set up that way

and push 42 to the end of the day.

- Could I maybe go back to base, then,
if it's going to be a while?

- No. We'd rather have you on standby

in case the weather changes.
- Oh. It's just...

I feel like I'm a little bit in
the way here.

- Are these people bothering you?
- No. No, not at all.

- Perfect. Just sit tight here, then,

and if you need anything else, just
let me know, OK?

- And could I get Costume...?

Half my age, and she's telling me what
to do.

She's great, though.

- Do you want us to go and sit in the
bedroom?

- No. No, it's fine. I do just need to
look at my lines.

- Of course.

Close your knees, please, Bev.

- I am!

- She's such a tomboy.

- It's nice having someone to talk to.

I never had any friends, cos they
never let me go out!

- Of course we let you out.

You've never mixed well, that's all.

It's because she's got mental health.

- I haven't got mental health!

I'm just shy!

- Could I possibly use your loo?

- Oh, yes. It's just through there.

And let us know if you think you'll
need any more paper.

- Oh... no.

Just planning on number one.

- That means a wee.

You've got to sit down for it, though.

- OK.

- Down there on your right.

Took me half a fucking hour to
get down t'street!

Well, they're filming, aren't they?

Sit down and I'll make you a tea.

- No. I need a shit first. I'm
busting.

Who's in here?
- It's an actor.

I told you - they're using our house
to keep warm.

- For fuck's sake! How long's he going
to be?

- Leave him. He's only doing a wee.

- Well, what am I going to do, then?

- You'll just have to hold it. Now,
come on.

- Oh! Hello.

- Well, hurry up, then. I'm crowning
here.

Oh, shit!

Great shot.

- Sorry about that.

I'm James.

Thanks for letting us use your house.

- You're not a real pig, are you?

- No. No. I'm just playing... pig.

- Six times they've been in here,
going through that computer.

I told them, there's fuck all on it.

- Must be annoying.

- So, is this your script?

There's nowt to it.

- It's what we call the sides.

It's just the scenes we're filming
today.

- Right.

Are you the Bobby?

- I play Bobby, yeah.
- He's not called Bobby.

He IS a bobby. Look. "The bobby
approaches."

- Yeah. But in my mind, he's called
Bobby as well, so...

27.

- He's in this, in't he, Ted Hastings?

It said in the paper.
- Yeah. Adrian Dunbar.

Yeah. I loved him as Plantagenet in
The Hollow Crown.

I don't know if you saw it.

Part of Shakespeare's...

..um...

..War of the Roses cycle.

- I've just been watching them through
the window.

They're doing the same thing again and
again.

- Yeah. That's pretty much what
filming is.

- Well, it's driven me mad just
looking at it.

So boring!

- Waiting around can be tiring,
though.

- You fucking what?
- Stan!

- No, it's just more mentally
draining,

sat slumped and then having to jump
into it.

- Sat slumped?

I wish my job were fucking sat slumped
all day.

- Stanley!
- I'm out tarmacking the roads

in the freezing cold at half five of a
morning, mate!

- We do have early starts as well,

because they get you in for the
breakfast

before you go into Make-Up.

- Are you taking the piss?
- Leave him be!

- Do they say in the programme

what they think happened to baby Ryan?

- They don't know what happened, do
they?

It was a mystery.

- It was the mother's fault.

You don't go leaving babies outside
newsagents

just cos you've run out of fags.

- She was only gone two minutes.

Came back - the pram's empty.

They haven't seen hide nor hair of him
since.

- Yeah. It's a really great
cliff-hanger for the end of ep one.

What do you think happened to him?

Were you both living here at the time?

- No.
- Yeah.

- No. We moved here from Filey

a month or two afterwards. Do you not
remember?

- Course, yeah.

- I know what really happened.

A dog took it.

- Here we go.

- It happened in Australia.

- Yeah, with a dingo!

They don't have dingoes in East Park.

- Well, from what I've read in the
script,

Jeff thinks it might have been the
uncle.

- Who the fuck's Jeff?

- Jeff Bishop. He's the writer.

- Jeff Pope. But, yeah, I mean...

..that's what makes it such a great
story.

There's so many layers to it.

- Well, it's not a story for some
people, though, is it?

For some people, it's real life.

Excuse me.

- Go and get dressed, you. He don't
want to sit here

looking at your minge all afternoon.

- Chance'd be a fine thing.
- Just do it.

OK. So, this is our greenroom.

- Right.
- Apologies it's so small and dingy.

We weren't able to get your trailer
down onto set.

- Oh, darling, no, no, no.

This is... This is fine. This is
grand.

Honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

Hello. I'm Adrian.

- Stan. This is my house.

- Oh! Great.

Nice to meet you, Stan.

- Hi. I'm James. Playing Bobby.
- THE bobby.

- Well, we've got a scene coming up.

- Have we? Oh, right! You've got the
line about the dinosaur shawl.

- Three lines, but, yeah.

- Yeah. Well, I was hoping that you
and I could get together

and discuss it, because the director's
a sweetheart,

but he doesn't give you any time for
rehearsal

and that's the problem with these
little tellies.

But I don't need to tell you, cos
you've probably done loads.

- Bits and bobs.
- Bits and bobs.

- Hey, he's a massive fan of yours.

- Really?

- Yeah. He's obsessed with you.

He said he loves you.

- No, I was talking about The Hollow
Crown.

I thought you were brilliant in that.

- Well, thank you.
- And of course, I love you in Line Of
Duty as well.

Another policeman.

- Sorry?
- In this.

Playing another policeman.

- Yes, but I'm playing him totally
differently to Ted.

I mean, totally differently. They're
like chalk and cheese.

I mean, it's not the same performance
at all!

- Yeah. Course.

I can see that.

- Put your foot in it there, didn't
you?

- Um... Jo?

Am I staying here with the guys?

- Yeah. Sorry, sir. I'm going to have
to ask you

to vacate the space for the time
being.

- You what?!
- This area's a designated greenroom
for the day.

- Greenroom?! It's my bloody lounge!

- You were paid, so...

- It's apartheid, this.

- He's a character.
- I mean, Hastings?!

He parts his hair to the left!

Whereas Giles is much more swept back.

I mean, it's very different.

- James, if you'd like to follow me,
we've found...

- Oh, actually, Jo, I'm fine with
James being here.

- Oh, because I was told under no
circumstances...

- No, no, no, darling, no. It's
absolutely fine.

It'll give us a chance to run the
scene.

I could murder a cup of tea.

- In your blue cup, yes?

- If you wouldn't mind, babe.
- Course not.

- And if you could get Wardrobe...

- She's great, Jo, isn't she? So
attentive.

- Yeah.
- Right, so let's look at the scene.
Scene 42.

It's a bit of a quickie, isn't it? All
right.

So, the bobby approaches. Off you go.

- "Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?

"Something's come up and I think it
might be important."

- Yeah. It's a bit of a mouthful,
that, isn't it?

I mean, why don't you just come in and
say, "Excuse me, sir"?

I'll say, "Yeah."

And then you come out with the next
line, yeah?

- OK.

- Right. OK. So from the top. The
bobby approaches.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh. "We've had a potential sighting
of a child

"matching Ryan's description in East
Park.

"He was carried by a man in a red
tracksuit

"and was wrapped in a shawl.

"I'm thinking that that could be the
dinosaur shawl

"that the mother told us about."

- Is that the one the grandmother
knitted for him?

Yes.

I think we've got him, guv.

I really think we've got the bastard.

- There's real emotion in that last
line, isn't there?

- Yeah, but I think there should be.

- He's very clever, Jeff.
- Hmm.

You know, I've been thinking...

- ..about the shawl and all...

- Which is really important.

- Yeah. No. Absolutely.

But look, they're going to be on me
for that.

You know, listening,

taking it all in, so...

..would it, in fact,

be stronger if I snatched the pad from
you and read it out

like I'm reacting at the speed of
thought?

What do you think?

- Yeah. We could try it.

- Do you want to?

All right, then. Let's have a go.

- Yeah?

Potential sighting of a child matching
Ryan's description

in the East Park area, carried by a
man in a red tracksuit,

possibly wrapped in a dinosaur shawl!

Is that the one that the grandmother
knitted for him?

- Yes.
- Yes! I think we've got him.

I really think we've got the bastard.

I think that works.

I mean, it felt good, didn't it?
- Yeah.

Did swap the last line round so that
you said it.

- Yeah, we did, didn't we?

I didn't mind that.

- Oh, listen, I've got to call Jeff.

- Yeah.

You...

You're going to be so good in this.

You know? Really. I'm going to have to
up my...

Yeah, Jeff?

Yeah. Look, Justin has come up with
some fantastic ideas

for scene 42.

Oh, yeah. OK.

Listen, I'm just going to nip outside

for a bit of fresh air because, you
know, it stinks in here.

- Yes.

- Is it all right to come back in?

- Of course, yes.

You just missed Adrian.

We worked on the scene together.

I think it's...

..it's better now.

- I'm sorry about earlier.

It's just bringing it all back, you
know?

Seeing people trooping through the
park,

you sat there as a policeman.

- Did you know Ryan's mother?

- I used to see her at the meat truck.

We only ever spoke if we banged faces.

She never treated that baby right,
though.

Always crying.

Begging out to be held.

It was never going to end well.

- I thought you said you weren't
living here at the time.

- Right, so, quick update.

42's up next after 15 and a pick-up on
18.

- They're just numbers to me, Jo.
- Perfect, thank you.

But before that, just to let you know,

I'm going round getting a minute's
silence

from everyone for Ryan.

It's something Adrian's requested.

He thinks it's really important.

- Absolutely.

Are we doing that now?

- Yes. It's not a problem, is it?

- No, of course not.

- It would have been his birthday
today, apparently.

- But isn't it...?
- And go!

Just one moment.

She's such a tomboy!

- Jo?
- Shh!

OK. We're back on. Go ahead.

- Can I have a word with you in
private?

Jo, listen. I think I've uncovered

something terrible about this family.
- OK.

- Unbelievably, I think that Oona and
Stan

are responsible for taking baby Ryan
all those years ago.

- Say that again.
- I'm saying that their daughter, Bev,

is actually Ryan grown up! I don't
think

he even knows or realises.

We've got to get the police here now.

- OK, copy that.

So, James, that's 15 complete.

We're going to go on and rehearse 42
with yourself and Adrian.

What were you just saying?
- Never mind!

♪ Baa, baa, black sheep

♪ Have you any wool?

♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir

♪ Three bags full

♪ One for the master

♪ One for the dame

♪ And one for the little boy

♪ Who lives down the lane. ♪

- Bev?
- Yeah?

- What are you doing?

- Having a birthday tea.

- Have you got any photographs of
yourself

as a baby?

- Not many.

They didn't have cameras then. Just
phones.

I've got an album somewhere.

But me dad don't like me getting it
out.
- Oh.

Shall I be Mother?

- Yeah. That's me favourite game.

What's going on?

What the fuck are you doing in here?

- We're just talking.

- Talking?!

Talking about what?

- He wanted to see me baby album but I
can't find it.

- All right. That's enough.

I want you out of my daughter's
bedroom now!

- Your daughter?

Are you sure about that?

- Yeah. What are you going on about?

- Dad, don't hurt him.

- I'm not going to hurt him.

I just want to know what the fuck is
going on here!

- You know the story of Dumbo?

- Yeah, I've seen it, like, a million
times.

The storks come out with bundles

for all the animals in the circus,

and then they all get babies except
for Mrs Jumbo

and then she's just really sad.
- Yeah.

Must be awful not being blessed that
way.

Might tip someone over the edge to do
something quite out of character.

- What's going on?
- We're just talking about

the elephant in the room.
- What?

Dumbo or Bev?

- What was it? You lost a child? Could
never have children?

Either way, you two took matters into
your own hands,

didn't you?
- What's he talking about?

- I've got no idea.

- Course, you would have to move away
for a while,

somewhere quiet, away from prying
eyes, but when you return,

you've got a child of your own.

To avoid suspicion, Ryan has to be
brought up as Bev.

- What?!

- Isolated, infantilised, taught to
play with dolls

and wee sitting down.

- She's always collected dolls.

- I've seen the hair removal cream.

- The girls in our family have always
been very downy.

- You were lying about moving to
Filey.

- That was because Stan was working
and claiming social,

if you must know.
- Oona, don't.

- It was just tarmacking driveways,
cash in hand.

It wasn't much.

- What about the red tracksuit? The
matching birthdays?

- I never said it were my birthday.

- Bev was ten years old when baby Ryan
went missing.

She just looks young for her age

because she's got a fat face.

- I am stood here, you know!

- All right, explain this...

Ryan's shawl, not seen for over 20
years -

what's that doing here?
- Excuse me. Oh, good!

You found it. I'll just let them know.

Yeah, could you tell Costume we've
found the shawl?

It was in the greenroom.

Sheridan must have left it in here
yesterday.

Right, we're onto scene 42, if you'd
like to follow me.

Excuse me.

- What?!

- Come on, James.
- Why won't anybody listen to me?

This whole thing is a cover-up. I've
cracked the case!

I've found baby Ryan!

- Sorry, are you going through your
lines?

- You want proof? Look!

- I take it they're not moobs.

- Yeah. Oh, hello, mate. Doing a
warm-up?

Not enough actors do that kind of
thing these days, you know.

Anyway, look, I've had a word with
Jeff.

He loves all your ideas.

He did have one thought, though.

You know that line,

you know, after the bit about the
shawl - what is it?

- Er... I just say yes.

- Yeah. You don't need it, mate. Do it
with a nod.

Jo, I want make-up standing by with a
tear stick,

because I want the next bit to look
really real.

- Sure.
- Good.

- Yeah?

"Potential sighting of a child
matching Ryan's description

"in the East Park area, carried by a
man in a red tracksuit,

"possibly wrapped in a dinosaur
shawl."

Is that the one that the grandmother
knitted for him?

I think we've got him.

I really think we've got the
bastard.

And you can see

the concluding episode of this
exciting drama...

- That James isn't much of an actor,
is he?

- Glorified extra.
- Hmm.

I'm finding it a bit slow.

They should have put some action into
it.

- They can't, can they?

- They've got to stick to what
actually happened.

- That's the problem, isn't it? It has
no ending.

No-one knows what happened.

- No.

They don't, do they?