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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,850 Kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,348 Yeah, little help. 3 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:10,146 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 4 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,979 Excuse me. 5 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:15,888 Dopinder. 6 00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:17,988 Pool. Dead. 7 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,618 Nice. 8 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:22,853 Smells good, no? 9 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,833 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 10 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,379 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 11 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,496 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 12 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,784 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 13 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,854 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 14 00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:45,854 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 15 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,586 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 16 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:52,466 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 17 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,356 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 18 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,360 So you gotta hold onto love... 19 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,099 tight! 20 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:03,102 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 21 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,394 - Got it? - Yeah. 22 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:08,004 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 23 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,818 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 24 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,821 - Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. - Okay, enough. 25 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,782 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 26 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,592 It's bad. 27 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,787 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 28 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,789 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 29 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,333 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 30 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,962 I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and... 31 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:32,402 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 32 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,301 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 33 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,741 This shit... 34 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:39,949 Boo! 35 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,974 They won't disappoint. 36 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,371 They'd better not. 37 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,832 And what about next month's shipment? 38 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,625 There won't be one. 39 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,265 You're not the only one with a war to win. 40 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,898 That won't do. 41 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,736 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 42 00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:25,784 We'd appreciate your patience. 43 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,287 Okay. 44 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,288 We'll deliver in full the following month. 45 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:36,844 Pleasure doing business with you. 46 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,509 Fucking mutant. 47 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,046 Ah, shit! 48 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,516 I forgot my ammo bag. 49 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,106 - Shall we turn back? - No, no time. 50 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,052 Fuck it. I got this. 51 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,430 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 52 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,240 Right here! 53 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,061 That's $27.50. 54 00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:10,813 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 55 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,333 Ruins the lines of my suit. 56 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,250 But, how about a crisp high five? 57 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:16,402 Okay. 58 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:17,752 Merry Christmas. 59 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,087 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 60 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:30,541 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 61 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:32,584 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 62 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,379 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 63 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:37,840 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 64 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,092 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 65 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,652 You're a shotgun - bang! 66 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,682 Oh, hello. I know, right? 67 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:50,436 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 68 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:54,116 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 69 00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:59,862 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 70 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:04,116 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 71 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:06,886 Bad guys to kill. 72 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,557 Maximum effort. 73 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:24,399 Cock shot. 74 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,292 Rich Corinthian leather. 75 00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,078 I'm looking for Francis! 76 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:39,915 Have you seen this man? 77 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,182 Yanky, yanky! 78 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:26,169 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 79 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,028 Shit. 80 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,665 Did I leave the stove on? 81 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,514 Now, breaking news. 82 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,434 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 83 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:16,717 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 84 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,626 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 85 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,755 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 86 00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,275 - a red suit. - A red suit. 87 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,133 Deadpool. 88 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,943 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 89 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,264 Colossus, wait up. 90 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,684 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 91 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,936 but he'd rather act like a child. 92 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,481 A heavily-armed child. 93 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,276 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 94 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,206 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 95 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,363 The house that blows up every few years? 96 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,448 Please. 97 00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,878 House blowing up builds character. 98 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,203 You ate breakfast, yes? 99 00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,553 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 100 00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:01,710 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 101 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,150 Deadpool may try to break yours. 102 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,951 Get out of the way! 103 00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:32,967 Hey! 104 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,444 Wait! 105 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,840 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 106 00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:49,860 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 107 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,111 This guy's got the right idea. 108 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,784 He wore the brown pants. 109 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,850 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 110 00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,560 so you're gonna have to share! 111 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,450 Let's count them down. 112 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:21,926 Shit. 113 00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,687 Motherfucker! 114 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,110 10! Shit! 115 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:30,693 Nine. Fuck. 116 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:31,779 Eight. 117 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,319 Shit-fuck! 118 00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,324 Bad Deadpool. 119 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,953 Seven. Good Deadpool. 120 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,734 Someone's not counting. Six. 121 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:34,547 Four. 122 00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,922 Gotcha. 123 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,926 Right up Main Street. 124 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:46,083 Three, two! 125 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,063 Stupid! Worth it. 126 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,379 I'm touching myself tonight. 127 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,304 Francis! 128 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,915 Francis... 129 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,121 What the shit-biscuit! 130 00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:25,931 Where you at, Francis? 131 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,897 You're not Francis. 132 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,369 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 133 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,990 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 134 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,890 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 135 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:08,466 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 136 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,959 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 137 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,295 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 138 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,381 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 139 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,841 And to tell it right... 140 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:22,741 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 141 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:28,727 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 142 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:32,564 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 143 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,794 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 144 00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,288 Then who placed the call? 145 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,170 I did! 146 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,917 Pineapple and olive? 147 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,328 Sweet and salty. 148 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,498 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 149 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:50,518 Is it burnt crust? 150 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,139 God, I hope not. 151 00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:54,586 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 152 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,922 I told Howie, I told him that... 153 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,926 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 154 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,106 Thanks. 155 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,658 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 156 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:09,017 Jeremy, is it? 157 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,537 Wade. Wade Wilson. 158 00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:14,606 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 159 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,166 I'm not here for him. 160 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,132 I'm here for you. 161 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,613 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 162 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,633 Not out of the woods yet. 163 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:26,535 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 164 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,537 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 165 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,873 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 166 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,708 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 167 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:35,058 I will shoot your fucking cat! 168 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,314 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 169 00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,397 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 170 00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,638 Anyhoo, tell me something... 171 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,434 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 172 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,811 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 173 00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:54,480 Getting that right? Orflosky? 174 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:56,870 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 175 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,318 Because she knows you. 176 00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:03,822 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 177 00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,784 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 178 00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,184 I got a soft spot. 179 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,720 - But I'm a... - A stalker. 180 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:12,748 Threats hurt, Jer. 181 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,251 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 182 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,505 So keep away from Meghan. 183 00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:20,464 Cool? 184 00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,757 Yes, sir. 185 00:16:21,857 --> 00:16:22,607 Then we're done. 186 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,177 Wait. We are? 187 00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:26,947 Yeah. We're totally done. 188 00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:29,014 You should’ve seen your face. 189 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,414 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 190 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:31,779 Soft spot, remember? 191 00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:35,312 You even look in her general direction again... 192 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:39,122 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 193 00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:42,456 That came out wrong. 194 00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:44,799 Or did it? 195 00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:58,981 Meghan? 196 00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:03,647 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 197 00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,323 No friggin' way. 198 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,776 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 199 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:17,312 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 200 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,231 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 201 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,001 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 202 00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:23,958 Hey, wait! 203 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,697 You're my hero. 204 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:29,297 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 205 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,466 Nope. Never will be. 206 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,346 Fuck you, Wade. 207 00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:39,181 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 208 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,234 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 209 00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:44,611 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 210 00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:47,259 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 211 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,012 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 212 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:53,098 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 213 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,028 Buck! Liefeld... 214 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,327 Hey, Wade! 215 00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:59,332 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 216 00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:01,122 I'd love a Blow Job. 217 00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,608 Oh, God, me too. 218 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,708 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 219 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,363 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 220 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,240 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 221 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,283 Orlovsky. 222 00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:12,284 Yeah, her. 223 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,644 You sure? 224 00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,288 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 225 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,248 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 226 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,209 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 227 00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:21,627 Just a little light stalking. 228 00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,128 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 229 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,089 I was traveling to exotic places... 230 00:18:25,189 --> 00:18:29,189 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 231 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,531 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 232 00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:34,223 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 233 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,808 That's classified. 234 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:38,143 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 235 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:40,479 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 236 00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:41,814 whipped cream. 237 00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:44,004 I give you a Blow Job. 238 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,818 Why do you make me make that? 239 00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,653 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 240 00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:51,156 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 241 00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,492 Remind me what good will come of this? 242 00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,577 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 243 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,217 Boothe! 244 00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,163 - Easy, man. - Hold up! Hold up! 245 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,263 What you want? 246 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,390 - Cheers. To your health. - Fuck you. 247 00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:07,005 Come here, you fat fuck! 248 00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:08,565 That's a new stool. 249 00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,895 Stay the fuck down. 250 00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,184 Whoa! Took his ass out! 251 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,145 All right, move. Move, move, move. 252 00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,295 Buck, go rest. 253 00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:24,912 Boothe got hit then went down. 254 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,380 Yeah, he's still breathing. 255 00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,534 Nobody wins today. 256 00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,202 Nice try, Wade. 257 00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,873 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 258 00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,933 Yeah, Wade, about that... 259 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,233 No. 260 00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:46,483 You did not bet on me to die. 261 00:19:48,856 --> 00:19:52,896 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 262 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,554 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 263 00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:57,848 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 264 00:19:57,948 --> 00:20:00,726 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 265 00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,060 I never win anything. 266 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,228 Whatever. 267 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,908 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 268 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,252 Domestic, nothing imported. 269 00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:17,177 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 270 00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:20,469 Tight. 271 00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:24,099 - Vanessa. - Wade. 272 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,603 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 273 00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,228 I'd hit that. 274 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,322 Buck, you best apologize before... 275 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,802 Yeah, that. 276 00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,512 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 277 00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,430 - I'm sorry. - Breathe through the nose. 278 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,641 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 279 00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,991 Let go. Okay. Hey... 280 00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,187 - Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. - I'm working on it. 281 00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:47,247 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 282 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 283 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:52,843 Merchandise? 284 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:55,739 So you... 285 00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,199 bump fuzzies for money? 286 00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:57,991 Yep. 287 00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,284 Rough childhood? 288 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,369 Rougher than yours. 289 00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,049 Daddy left before I was born. 290 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,219 Daddy left before I was conceived. 291 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,772 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 292 00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:08,419 Where else do you put one out? 293 00:21:08,519 --> 00:21:09,753 I was molested. 294 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,505 Me too. Uncle. 295 00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,905 Uncles. They took turns. 296 00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,760 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 297 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,178 which also happens to be my... 298 00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:21,108 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 299 00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:23,239 You had a dishwasher. 300 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:24,810 I didn't even know sleep. 301 00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:28,160 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 302 00:21:32,209 --> 00:21:33,459 Who would do such a thing? 303 00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:38,588 Hopefully you, later tonight? 304 00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:46,346 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 305 00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,209 a Yogurtland rewards card? 306 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,939 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 307 00:21:53,397 --> 00:21:55,147 And a low-fat dessert. 308 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:04,445 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 309 00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,914 It's time to put balls in holes. 310 00:22:08,954 --> 00:22:10,464 You said whatever I want. 311 00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:12,170 I get it. 312 00:22:12,583 --> 00:22:14,068 You love skee ball. 313 00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,403 Apparently more than you love vagina. 314 00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,963 That's a tough call. 315 00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:21,075 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 316 00:22:21,175 --> 00:22:25,015 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 317 00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:26,139 Balls in holes. 318 00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,256 Balls in holes. 319 00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:29,875 Prepare to lose tragically. 320 00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:31,043 Bring it, big man. 321 00:22:31,143 --> 00:22:32,143 Okay. 322 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:42,863 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 323 00:22:43,322 --> 00:22:45,822 Okay. Here we go. 324 00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,852 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 325 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,729 And I will take the pencil eraser. 326 00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:52,189 Okay. 327 00:22:52,289 --> 00:22:55,025 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 328 00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:58,457 And you can erase stuff... written in pencil. 329 00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:00,197 M'lady? 330 00:23:00,297 --> 00:23:03,513 Well, I hate to break it to you... but your 48 minutes are up. 331 00:23:04,009 --> 00:23:06,745 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 332 00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:11,345 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 333 00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,753 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 334 00:23:14,853 --> 00:23:15,754 Deal. 335 00:23:15,854 --> 00:23:18,154 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 336 00:23:19,233 --> 00:23:20,033 Cuddle? 337 00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:25,863 How long can you keep this up? 338 00:23:26,323 --> 00:23:27,163 All year? 339 00:23:37,835 --> 00:23:39,715 Happy Valentine's Day. 340 00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:48,912 Happy Chinese New Year. 341 00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,352 Year of the Dog. 342 00:23:55,561 --> 00:23:56,731 Relax. 343 00:23:57,312 --> 00:23:59,402 And Happy International Women's Day. 344 00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,069 No. No. No. 345 00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:10,578 Happy Lent. 346 00:24:15,831 --> 00:24:17,065 - Wade? - Sorry. 347 00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:18,495 Happy Halloween. 348 00:24:18,876 --> 00:24:19,746 Happy Halloween. 349 00:24:29,511 --> 00:24:31,221 Happy Thanksgiving. 350 00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:34,433 I love you. 351 00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:40,255 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 352 00:24:40,355 --> 00:24:44,858 and your right leg is Christmas... can I visit you between the holidays? 353 00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:48,608 That sweater is terrible. 354 00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:51,266 But red looks good on you. 355 00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:52,434 Red's your color. 356 00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:54,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 357 00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:56,355 Listen, I've been thinking... 358 00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:59,793 - Really? - ...about why we're so good together. 359 00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:01,289 Why's that? 360 00:25:03,295 --> 00:25:05,805 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 361 00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:10,930 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 362 00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:13,723 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 363 00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:15,603 Right. 364 00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,315 Wade... 365 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,504 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 366 00:25:20,604 --> 00:25:23,114 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 367 00:25:25,234 --> 00:25:26,284 Will you... 368 00:25:27,486 --> 00:25:29,396 - stick it in my... - Marry me? 369 00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:33,407 Jinx? 370 00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:36,395 Where were you hiding that? 371 00:25:36,495 --> 00:25:37,505 Nowhere. 372 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:40,190 They say one month's salary. So... 373 00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:41,233 You mean? 374 00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:42,401 I do. 375 00:25:42,501 --> 00:25:43,501 That's my line. 376 00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:48,469 I love you, Wade Wilson. 377 00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:50,576 You're supposed to... So that's a... 378 00:25:50,676 --> 00:25:51,506 Yes! 379 00:25:52,928 --> 00:25:54,008 Yes! 380 00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:57,599 I feel just like a little girl. 381 00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:05,215 What if I just held on and never let go? 382 00:26:05,315 --> 00:26:07,855 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 383 00:26:08,861 --> 00:26:10,361 Star Wars jokes. 384 00:26:10,821 --> 00:26:12,031 Empire. 385 00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:16,700 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 386 00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,039 Hey. 387 00:26:23,125 --> 00:26:24,135 Perfect. 388 00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:29,740 - Let's see. - All right, wee break. 389 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,130 Shake it, yeah. 390 00:26:37,389 --> 00:26:38,519 Here's the thing. 391 00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:40,793 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 392 00:26:40,893 --> 00:26:44,403 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 393 00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:48,065 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 394 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:53,722 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 395 00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:54,572 What the... 396 00:26:55,699 --> 00:26:56,829 Oh, my God. Wade? 397 00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,373 You're clowning. 398 00:27:04,875 --> 00:27:06,255 You're not clowning? 399 00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:07,668 I sense clowns. 400 00:27:08,086 --> 00:27:11,532 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 401 00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:16,182 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 402 00:27:20,724 --> 00:27:21,854 So what do we do? 403 00:27:22,476 --> 00:27:24,686 Surely there is something we can do. 404 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:28,424 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 405 00:27:28,524 --> 00:27:31,009 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 406 00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:35,359 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 407 00:27:35,656 --> 00:27:39,196 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 408 00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:42,248 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 409 00:27:42,621 --> 00:27:43,397 Or the last. 410 00:27:43,497 --> 00:27:44,940 Mr. Wilson... 411 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,460 Mr. Wilson? 412 00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:49,165 Take your time to process this. 413 00:27:50,212 --> 00:27:52,132 It's important not to do anything rash. 414 00:28:03,684 --> 00:28:08,944 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 415 00:28:34,423 --> 00:28:38,744 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 416 00:28:38,844 --> 00:28:42,314 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 417 00:28:43,974 --> 00:28:45,644 His form looks good. 418 00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,559 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 419 00:28:52,149 --> 00:28:54,426 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 420 00:28:54,526 --> 00:28:56,776 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 421 00:28:57,821 --> 00:28:59,281 Giving him the business. 422 00:28:59,865 --> 00:29:00,785 Incoming! 423 00:29:01,909 --> 00:29:05,659 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 424 00:29:11,001 --> 00:29:14,671 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 425 00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:17,215 Ringing any bells? No? 426 00:29:22,179 --> 00:29:23,429 How about now? 427 00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,604 Wade fucking Wilson. 428 00:29:32,105 --> 00:29:33,340 Well, hello, gorgeous. 429 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,385 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 430 00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:39,596 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 431 00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:41,682 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 432 00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:44,782 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 433 00:29:45,118 --> 00:29:46,687 I'm actually quite jealous. 434 00:29:46,787 --> 00:29:49,037 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 435 00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:55,254 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 436 00:29:57,673 --> 00:29:58,423 Dad? 437 00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:06,472 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 438 00:30:07,516 --> 00:30:09,476 Well, maybe not the most. 439 00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:13,731 This is my most prized possession. 440 00:30:14,398 --> 00:30:15,299 Wham? 441 00:30:15,399 --> 00:30:17,229 No, no, no. Wham! 442 00:30:17,818 --> 00:30:21,238 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 443 00:30:22,281 --> 00:30:25,142 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 444 00:30:25,242 --> 00:30:26,769 Think of it like spring cleaning. 445 00:30:26,869 --> 00:30:28,103 Only if spring was death. 446 00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:32,173 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 447 00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:34,668 Sounds like you do. 448 00:30:35,502 --> 00:30:39,406 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 449 00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,296 Drink. 450 00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:43,410 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 451 00:30:43,510 --> 00:30:44,640 All things I can live without. 452 00:30:46,972 --> 00:30:48,916 You belong here at home. 453 00:30:49,016 --> 00:30:52,636 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 454 00:30:53,979 --> 00:30:57,439 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 455 00:30:59,109 --> 00:31:05,369 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 456 00:31:06,116 --> 00:31:10,656 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 457 00:31:12,039 --> 00:31:13,669 I want you to remember me. 458 00:31:15,209 --> 00:31:16,985 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 459 00:31:17,085 --> 00:31:18,875 Well, I wanna remember us. 460 00:31:19,338 --> 00:31:20,948 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 461 00:31:21,048 --> 00:31:24,159 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 462 00:31:24,259 --> 00:31:25,679 Wham! 463 00:31:29,056 --> 00:31:32,056 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 464 00:31:34,645 --> 00:31:36,025 We can fight this. 465 00:31:39,191 --> 00:31:41,361 Besides, I just realized something. 466 00:31:42,194 --> 00:31:47,324 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 467 00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,745 I love you. 468 00:32:04,424 --> 00:32:05,554 Wade. 469 00:32:07,761 --> 00:32:08,912 Weas. 470 00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:11,498 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 471 00:32:11,598 --> 00:32:13,667 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 472 00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:15,377 How about three shots of Patrón? 473 00:32:15,477 --> 00:32:19,173 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 474 00:32:19,273 --> 00:32:20,591 Excellent for the immune system. 475 00:32:20,691 --> 00:32:22,718 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 476 00:32:22,818 --> 00:32:23,927 Here, check it out. 477 00:32:24,027 --> 00:32:27,431 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 478 00:32:27,531 --> 00:32:29,281 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 479 00:32:29,741 --> 00:32:32,644 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 480 00:32:32,744 --> 00:32:35,504 You got China and Central Mexico. 481 00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:38,150 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 482 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:39,290 No. 483 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,612 El Cáncer. 484 00:32:41,712 --> 00:32:43,552 I could have guessed that. 485 00:32:43,922 --> 00:32:45,407 Look how happy you look here. 486 00:32:45,507 --> 00:32:49,507 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 487 00:32:50,012 --> 00:32:51,914 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 488 00:32:52,014 --> 00:32:54,666 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 489 00:32:54,766 --> 00:32:56,346 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 490 00:32:59,146 --> 00:33:01,757 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 491 00:33:01,857 --> 00:33:04,676 Real Grim Reaper type. 492 00:33:04,776 --> 00:33:06,736 I don't know. Might further the plot. 493 00:33:10,741 --> 00:33:11,767 Boothe. 494 00:33:11,867 --> 00:33:12,947 Wade. 495 00:33:18,332 --> 00:33:19,252 Mr. Wilson. 496 00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:20,859 How can I help you? 497 00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:23,612 Besides luring children into a panel van. 498 00:33:23,712 --> 00:33:27,324 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 499 00:33:27,424 --> 00:33:28,492 Stalker alert. 500 00:33:28,592 --> 00:33:30,762 It's my job. Recruitment. 501 00:33:31,512 --> 00:33:33,932 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 502 00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:37,292 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 503 00:33:37,392 --> 00:33:39,732 41 confirmed kills. 504 00:33:40,270 --> 00:33:41,630 One every seven weeks. 505 00:33:41,730 --> 00:33:43,610 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 506 00:33:44,775 --> 00:33:46,035 It's to wash the taste out. 507 00:33:46,318 --> 00:33:49,471 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 508 00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:53,600 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 509 00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,240 People change. What do you want? 510 00:33:55,619 --> 00:33:58,659 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 511 00:34:00,624 --> 00:34:04,294 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 512 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:09,010 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 513 00:34:12,678 --> 00:34:16,707 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 514 00:34:16,807 --> 00:34:18,375 More Shake Weight-y. 515 00:34:18,475 --> 00:34:21,420 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 516 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,630 We won't just make you better. 517 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,690 We will make you better than better. 518 00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:28,994 A superhero. 519 00:34:29,319 --> 00:34:34,319 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 520 00:34:34,783 --> 00:34:37,413 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 521 00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:42,670 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 522 00:34:47,671 --> 00:34:48,881 His drink's on him. 523 00:34:54,553 --> 00:34:56,303 What did he say? 524 00:35:18,952 --> 00:35:20,542 Hey, what's going on? 525 00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:23,038 Hey. Sorry. 526 00:35:24,499 --> 00:35:26,499 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 527 00:35:27,377 --> 00:35:30,547 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 528 00:35:38,263 --> 00:35:42,483 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 529 00:35:43,477 --> 00:35:46,647 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 530 00:36:01,036 --> 00:36:04,656 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 531 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,920 but what it does to the people you love. 532 00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:10,863 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 533 00:36:10,963 --> 00:36:13,513 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 534 00:36:17,678 --> 00:36:19,928 Isn't that what superheroes do? 535 00:36:32,276 --> 00:36:36,316 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 536 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,143 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 537 00:36:41,243 --> 00:36:42,561 Local dry cleaning discounts. 538 00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:46,648 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 539 00:36:46,748 --> 00:36:49,860 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 540 00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:51,612 You know, I can hear you. 541 00:36:51,712 --> 00:36:54,823 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 542 00:36:54,923 --> 00:36:56,633 Stay right here. 543 00:36:57,009 --> 00:36:59,089 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 544 00:36:59,386 --> 00:37:02,956 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 545 00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:05,209 You will both be coming with us. 546 00:37:05,309 --> 00:37:09,171 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 547 00:37:09,271 --> 00:37:11,111 And you are? 548 00:37:12,733 --> 00:37:14,510 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 549 00:37:14,610 --> 00:37:18,013 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 550 00:37:18,113 --> 00:37:19,863 That's the coolest name ever! 551 00:37:21,408 --> 00:37:23,977 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 552 00:37:24,077 --> 00:37:25,521 No. Trainee. 553 00:37:25,621 --> 00:37:27,022 Let me guess. 554 00:37:27,122 --> 00:37:29,566 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 555 00:37:29,666 --> 00:37:30,734 What does that make you? 556 00:37:30,834 --> 00:37:33,195 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 557 00:37:33,295 --> 00:37:34,555 Can we trade names? 558 00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:36,156 Can we go? 559 00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:38,575 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 560 00:37:38,675 --> 00:37:40,828 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 561 00:37:40,928 --> 00:37:43,080 I'm all about long sullen silences... 562 00:37:43,180 --> 00:37:46,640 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 563 00:37:47,059 --> 00:37:50,379 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 564 00:37:50,479 --> 00:37:53,019 or mean comment? Go on. 565 00:37:54,274 --> 00:37:55,574 You got me in a box here. 566 00:37:56,610 --> 00:37:58,512 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 567 00:37:58,612 --> 00:38:00,013 Please, come quietly. 568 00:38:00,113 --> 00:38:02,349 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 569 00:38:02,449 --> 00:38:03,392 That's not nice. 570 00:38:03,492 --> 00:38:04,992 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 571 00:38:05,327 --> 00:38:09,690 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 572 00:38:09,790 --> 00:38:12,330 He's pure evil. 573 00:38:12,709 --> 00:38:15,999 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 574 00:38:21,301 --> 00:38:23,537 That guy was already up there when I got here. 575 00:38:23,637 --> 00:38:26,749 Wade, you are better than this. 576 00:38:26,849 --> 00:38:30,294 - Join us. Use your powers for good. - Heads up. 577 00:38:30,394 --> 00:38:31,754 Be a superhero. 578 00:38:31,854 --> 00:38:32,713 Listen! 579 00:38:32,813 --> 00:38:35,153 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 580 00:38:35,524 --> 00:38:38,552 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 581 00:38:38,652 --> 00:38:43,474 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 582 00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:45,334 on that day... 583 00:38:45,576 --> 00:38:47,561 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 584 00:38:47,661 --> 00:38:50,105 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 585 00:38:50,205 --> 00:38:52,900 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 586 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,193 - Wade... - Hey. 587 00:38:54,293 --> 00:38:55,444 Zip it, Sinéad! 588 00:38:55,544 --> 00:38:56,612 Hey, douche-pool! 589 00:38:56,712 --> 00:38:57,922 And I hope you're watching... 590 00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:04,426 Quite unfortunate. 591 00:39:07,806 --> 00:39:10,056 That does it! 592 00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:15,808 Canada! 593 00:39:17,107 --> 00:39:18,175 That's not good. 594 00:39:18,275 --> 00:39:19,301 Wade, please. 595 00:39:19,401 --> 00:39:20,401 Cock shot! 596 00:39:22,487 --> 00:39:23,972 Your poor wife. 597 00:39:24,072 --> 00:39:25,872 You really should stop. 598 00:39:29,453 --> 00:39:31,833 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 599 00:39:36,502 --> 00:39:38,654 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 600 00:39:38,754 --> 00:39:39,924 This is embarrassing. 601 00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:42,472 Please, stay down. 602 00:39:43,592 --> 00:39:45,953 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 603 00:39:46,053 --> 00:39:47,454 Do you have off switch? 604 00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,290 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 605 00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:51,270 Enough! 606 00:40:01,026 --> 00:40:02,896 Let us go talk to the Professor. 607 00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:05,139 McAvoy or Stewart? 608 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,449 These timelines are so confusing. 609 00:40:08,784 --> 00:40:11,395 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 610 00:40:11,495 --> 00:40:13,045 You will recover, Wade. 611 00:40:13,330 --> 00:40:14,960 You always do. 612 00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:22,881 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 613 00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:27,745 Oh, my God. 614 00:40:27,845 --> 00:40:28,895 Nasty. 615 00:40:32,015 --> 00:40:34,095 There's the money shot, baby. 616 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,520 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 617 00:40:47,447 --> 00:40:49,867 Rock, meet bottom. 618 00:40:50,367 --> 00:40:53,367 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 619 00:40:53,620 --> 00:40:57,816 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 620 00:40:57,916 --> 00:41:01,111 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 621 00:41:01,211 --> 00:41:04,261 This? Well, this was mine. 622 00:41:04,798 --> 00:41:06,258 Mr. Wilson. 623 00:41:07,634 --> 00:41:12,122 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 624 00:41:12,222 --> 00:41:13,932 You finally hit "fuck it." 625 00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,100 Just promise you'll do right by me. 626 00:41:17,769 --> 00:41:19,713 So I can do right by someone else. 627 00:41:19,813 --> 00:41:20,983 Of course. 628 00:41:21,732 --> 00:41:23,482 And please don't make the super-suit green. 629 00:41:24,776 --> 00:41:26,276 Or animated. 630 00:41:32,784 --> 00:41:35,834 Move it! Keep moving. 631 00:41:46,465 --> 00:41:48,595 This place seems sanitary. 632 00:41:49,343 --> 00:41:51,593 My first request is warmer hands. 633 00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:55,427 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 634 00:41:56,975 --> 00:41:58,845 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 635 00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,016 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 636 00:42:05,317 --> 00:42:06,527 Easy. 637 00:42:08,529 --> 00:42:10,819 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 638 00:42:11,615 --> 00:42:12,995 I'm calling wang. 639 00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:18,120 What's up with the matches? 640 00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:21,122 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 641 00:42:22,668 --> 00:42:23,958 Patience, Angel. 642 00:42:24,878 --> 00:42:26,572 All in good time. 643 00:42:26,672 --> 00:42:28,592 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 644 00:42:30,175 --> 00:42:31,368 We have another talker. 645 00:42:31,468 --> 00:42:33,245 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 646 00:42:33,345 --> 00:42:35,505 Shut the fuck up. 647 00:42:38,851 --> 00:42:40,811 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 648 00:42:41,770 --> 00:42:43,860 I manage this workshop. 649 00:42:44,940 --> 00:42:48,177 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 650 00:42:48,277 --> 00:42:51,847 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 651 00:42:51,947 --> 00:42:54,183 But I've grown blunt. 652 00:42:54,283 --> 00:42:56,852 This workshop is not a government-led program. 653 00:42:56,952 --> 00:43:00,564 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 654 00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:04,004 into men of extraordinary abilities. 655 00:43:05,627 --> 00:43:08,877 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 656 00:43:09,798 --> 00:43:10,628 Wrong. 657 00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:15,390 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 658 00:43:15,637 --> 00:43:19,557 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 659 00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:28,322 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 660 00:43:29,067 --> 00:43:30,487 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 661 00:43:31,653 --> 00:43:34,203 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 662 00:43:34,740 --> 00:43:37,240 The treatment affects everyone differently. 663 00:43:37,576 --> 00:43:40,406 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 664 00:43:40,746 --> 00:43:44,746 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 665 00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:48,210 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 666 00:43:49,922 --> 00:43:53,762 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 667 00:44:02,267 --> 00:44:05,057 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 668 00:44:05,354 --> 00:44:07,114 You have something in your teeth. 669 00:44:08,023 --> 00:44:10,175 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 670 00:44:10,275 --> 00:44:13,185 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 671 00:44:15,197 --> 00:44:17,617 It's been bothering me for a long time. 672 00:44:19,076 --> 00:44:20,116 Made you look. 673 00:44:20,410 --> 00:44:23,814 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 674 00:44:23,914 --> 00:44:24,982 What is it really? 675 00:44:25,082 --> 00:44:27,443 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 676 00:44:27,543 --> 00:44:29,133 Mitch? The Rickster? 677 00:44:29,795 --> 00:44:31,305 Is it Basil Fawlty? 678 00:44:31,630 --> 00:44:33,130 Joke away. 679 00:44:33,590 --> 00:44:36,470 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 680 00:44:36,969 --> 00:44:38,203 We'll see about that. 681 00:44:38,303 --> 00:44:39,643 I suppose we will. 682 00:44:40,973 --> 00:44:42,499 He's all yours. 683 00:44:42,599 --> 00:44:43,809 Come on. 684 00:44:44,309 --> 00:44:47,439 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 685 00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:53,844 This is how it's going to work. 686 00:44:53,944 --> 00:44:56,954 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 687 00:44:57,573 --> 00:45:00,083 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 688 00:45:01,827 --> 00:45:06,657 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 689 00:45:10,961 --> 00:45:13,801 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 690 00:45:15,632 --> 00:45:18,342 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 691 00:45:21,013 --> 00:45:23,353 until you finally mutate. 692 00:45:24,975 --> 00:45:26,185 Or die. 693 00:45:33,025 --> 00:45:34,593 You mean like a bucket list? 694 00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:36,929 Like a fuck-it list. 695 00:45:37,029 --> 00:45:39,699 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 696 00:45:40,282 --> 00:45:42,101 Pass it to me right after. 697 00:45:42,201 --> 00:45:48,161 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 698 00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:52,338 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 699 00:45:52,836 --> 00:45:55,706 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 700 00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:59,126 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 701 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:07,225 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 702 00:46:10,646 --> 00:46:12,686 Vanessa. 703 00:46:16,193 --> 00:46:18,512 I wanna see Vanessa. 704 00:46:18,612 --> 00:46:19,972 You're lovely. 705 00:46:20,072 --> 00:46:23,434 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 706 00:46:23,534 --> 00:46:24,601 We were just joking. 707 00:46:24,701 --> 00:46:27,001 No, no. It's okay. 708 00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,750 I encourage distractions. 709 00:46:30,499 --> 00:46:32,818 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 710 00:46:32,918 --> 00:46:34,748 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 711 00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:38,031 How tough can he be... 712 00:46:38,131 --> 00:46:41,051 with a name like Francis? 713 00:46:41,635 --> 00:46:42,765 Francis? 714 00:46:43,053 --> 00:46:44,473 That's his legal name. 715 00:46:45,097 --> 00:46:48,557 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 716 00:46:50,602 --> 00:46:54,192 F-R-A-N-C-I... 717 00:46:54,690 --> 00:46:56,020 Oops! 718 00:46:57,818 --> 00:47:00,698 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 719 00:47:02,614 --> 00:47:04,975 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 720 00:47:05,075 --> 00:47:06,435 You are so relentlessly annoying. 721 00:47:06,535 --> 00:47:07,519 Thanks. 722 00:47:07,619 --> 00:47:08,812 Never heard that before. 723 00:47:08,912 --> 00:47:12,107 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 724 00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:14,207 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 725 00:47:16,003 --> 00:47:17,696 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 726 00:47:17,796 --> 00:47:20,991 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 727 00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:24,051 is that you can't really step it up from there. 728 00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,020 Is that what you think? 729 00:47:34,313 --> 00:47:36,823 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 730 00:47:37,649 --> 00:47:38,939 nothing will. 731 00:47:39,359 --> 00:47:42,304 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 732 00:47:42,404 --> 00:47:45,034 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 733 00:47:45,324 --> 00:47:48,494 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 734 00:47:49,161 --> 00:47:50,291 then we'll turn up the O2. 735 00:47:51,330 --> 00:47:52,689 If your heart rate slows... 736 00:47:52,789 --> 00:47:55,442 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 737 00:47:55,542 --> 00:47:56,922 we'll turn it back down. 738 00:47:57,544 --> 00:48:01,214 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 739 00:48:01,590 --> 00:48:03,826 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 740 00:48:03,926 --> 00:48:06,336 You know the funniest part of this? 741 00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:09,465 You still think we're making you a superhero. 742 00:48:10,307 --> 00:48:13,767 You. A dishonorable discharge. 743 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:16,560 Hip-deep in hookers. 744 00:48:17,272 --> 00:48:18,902 You're nothing. 745 00:48:19,858 --> 00:48:21,318 Little secret, Wade. 746 00:48:22,152 --> 00:48:26,242 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 747 00:48:27,324 --> 00:48:31,084 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 748 00:48:31,870 --> 00:48:33,250 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 749 00:48:34,081 --> 00:48:37,541 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 750 00:48:39,711 --> 00:48:42,551 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 751 00:48:43,048 --> 00:48:45,508 What the fuck is wrong with you? 752 00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:53,542 You're never going home after this. 753 00:48:53,642 --> 00:48:55,852 Now there's a brave face. 754 00:48:56,895 --> 00:48:58,435 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 755 00:49:00,774 --> 00:49:04,694 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 756 00:49:06,613 --> 00:49:07,993 Enjoy your weekend. 757 00:49:08,365 --> 00:49:10,017 "Weekend"? Back up. 758 00:49:10,117 --> 00:49:11,327 Weekend? 759 00:49:53,035 --> 00:49:55,062 Did I say this was a love story? 760 00:49:55,162 --> 00:49:57,622 No, it's a horror movie. 761 00:50:14,097 --> 00:50:16,208 Fucking hell. 762 00:50:16,308 --> 00:50:19,503 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 763 00:50:19,603 --> 00:50:21,630 What have you done to me? 764 00:50:21,730 --> 00:50:25,050 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 765 00:50:25,150 --> 00:50:27,280 You sadistic fuck! 766 00:50:27,986 --> 00:50:29,486 I've cured you, Wade. 767 00:50:30,322 --> 00:50:31,952 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 768 00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:35,835 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 769 00:50:37,079 --> 00:50:39,659 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 770 00:50:40,958 --> 00:50:41,998 I could cure them... 771 00:50:45,587 --> 00:50:47,257 but where's the fun in that? 772 00:50:49,591 --> 00:50:52,141 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 773 00:50:53,929 --> 00:50:55,889 Not because I need to. 774 00:50:59,852 --> 00:51:01,562 Because I want to. 775 00:51:16,034 --> 00:51:17,186 Oh, well. 776 00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:18,496 Go ahead. 777 00:51:21,707 --> 00:51:23,537 You smell like shit. 778 00:51:26,837 --> 00:51:27,877 Motherfucker. 779 00:51:28,797 --> 00:51:30,717 It's all right, it's all right. 780 00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:33,550 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 781 00:51:33,802 --> 00:51:36,182 You take off. Go on. 782 00:51:36,972 --> 00:51:38,312 Off you go. 783 00:51:49,318 --> 00:51:50,898 Quick question. 784 00:51:53,197 --> 00:51:55,237 What's my name? 785 00:52:00,996 --> 00:52:02,326 Didn't think so. 786 00:52:04,208 --> 00:52:06,918 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 787 00:54:03,368 --> 00:54:04,770 You don't want to kill me. 788 00:54:04,870 --> 00:54:07,120 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 789 00:55:03,846 --> 00:55:05,426 What's my name? 790 00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,773 Wade. 791 00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:23,170 I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer... 792 00:56:24,676 --> 00:56:27,346 I got the cure to el everything. 793 00:56:31,016 --> 00:56:33,210 But there was only one thing... 794 00:56:33,310 --> 00:56:34,940 that really mattered. 795 00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:05,433 Come on, let's go. 796 00:57:10,764 --> 00:57:13,524 Oh, that must hurt. 797 00:57:14,518 --> 00:57:15,978 Thank you so much. 798 00:57:27,906 --> 00:57:30,100 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 799 00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:31,560 Look at his face. 800 00:57:31,660 --> 00:57:33,979 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 801 00:57:34,079 --> 00:57:35,147 Honey, don't stare. 802 00:57:35,247 --> 00:57:36,407 Freak. 803 00:57:56,768 --> 00:58:00,108 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 804 00:58:00,397 --> 00:58:02,883 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 805 00:58:02,983 --> 00:58:04,259 Bullshit! 806 00:58:04,359 --> 00:58:07,554 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 807 00:58:07,654 --> 00:58:10,204 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 808 00:58:11,992 --> 00:58:12,952 Do you like what you see? 809 00:58:13,202 --> 00:58:14,372 No. 810 00:58:14,870 --> 00:58:18,830 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 811 00:58:19,249 --> 00:58:19,983 Yeah. 812 00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:22,111 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 813 00:58:22,211 --> 00:58:24,071 There was something wrong with the relationship... 814 00:58:24,171 --> 00:58:27,741 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 815 00:58:27,841 --> 00:58:30,369 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 816 00:58:30,469 --> 00:58:33,122 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 817 00:58:33,222 --> 00:58:35,082 And he's gone. Poof! 818 00:58:35,182 --> 00:58:36,834 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 819 00:58:36,934 --> 00:58:39,920 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 820 00:58:40,020 --> 00:58:41,213 Damn straight. 821 00:58:41,313 --> 00:58:43,132 - Find Francis. - Star in horror films. 822 00:58:43,232 --> 00:58:44,133 What? 823 00:58:44,233 --> 00:58:46,385 Star in your own horror films. 824 00:58:46,485 --> 00:58:50,325 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 825 00:58:51,156 --> 00:58:52,850 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 826 00:58:52,950 --> 00:58:55,561 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 827 00:58:55,661 --> 00:58:57,980 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 828 00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,690 and fuck the brain hole. 829 00:58:59,790 --> 00:59:02,860 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 830 00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,112 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 831 00:59:05,212 --> 00:59:05,863 Yeah. 832 00:59:05,963 --> 00:59:07,781 That's good. You should keep it that way. 833 00:59:07,881 --> 00:59:09,491 What, like, wear a mask? 834 00:59:09,591 --> 00:59:12,551 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 835 00:59:13,303 --> 00:59:14,246 I am sorry... 836 00:59:14,346 --> 00:59:16,915 you are haunting. 837 00:59:17,015 --> 00:59:18,876 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 838 00:59:18,976 --> 00:59:20,294 Like a testicle with teeth. 839 00:59:20,394 --> 00:59:22,087 You will die alone. 840 00:59:22,187 --> 00:59:23,807 I mean, if you could die. 841 00:59:24,439 --> 00:59:26,341 Ideally, for others' sake. 842 00:59:26,441 --> 00:59:27,691 That'll do. 843 00:59:27,985 --> 00:59:29,720 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 844 00:59:29,820 --> 00:59:31,700 like Wade the Wisecracker... 845 00:59:32,114 --> 00:59:35,244 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 846 00:59:36,118 --> 00:59:37,118 Shit. 847 00:59:37,703 --> 00:59:38,793 What? 848 00:59:39,621 --> 00:59:41,565 I put all my money on you and now... 849 00:59:41,665 --> 00:59:43,192 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 850 00:59:43,292 --> 00:59:44,172 Dead pool. 851 00:59:48,172 --> 00:59:50,472 Captain Deadpool. 852 00:59:52,342 --> 00:59:53,410 No, just... 853 00:59:53,510 --> 00:59:55,204 - Just Deadpool, yeah. - Just Deadpool. 854 00:59:55,304 --> 00:59:57,264 To you, Mr. Pool. 855 00:59:57,556 --> 01:00:00,056 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 856 01:00:14,656 --> 01:00:16,736 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 857 01:00:17,826 --> 01:00:18,826 Where's Francis? 858 01:00:33,091 --> 01:00:34,761 Where's Francis? 859 01:00:42,935 --> 01:00:44,855 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 860 01:00:46,188 --> 01:00:49,108 Or wear red. Dumbass. 861 01:01:07,835 --> 01:01:09,295 Don't make me ask twice. 862 01:01:10,671 --> 01:01:11,989 Where... 863 01:01:12,089 --> 01:01:14,219 is Francis? 864 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:16,452 He made me ask twice. 865 01:01:16,552 --> 01:01:18,552 Is the mask muffling my voice? 866 01:01:23,350 --> 01:01:24,810 Where's Francis? 867 01:01:27,437 --> 01:01:29,267 Where the fuck is Francis? 868 01:01:37,948 --> 01:01:41,268 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 869 01:01:41,368 --> 01:01:42,578 Where's Francis? 870 01:01:43,996 --> 01:01:45,116 No! Please! 871 01:01:45,747 --> 01:01:49,207 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 872 01:01:49,751 --> 01:01:52,381 You little spider monkey! 873 01:01:55,465 --> 01:01:58,925 Where... is... Francis? 874 01:02:00,095 --> 01:02:01,288 This is confusing. 875 01:02:01,388 --> 01:02:04,291 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 876 01:02:04,391 --> 01:02:06,691 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 877 01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:08,980 Where is Francis? 878 01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:13,824 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 879 01:02:14,443 --> 01:02:16,073 In five minutes! 880 01:02:26,205 --> 01:02:27,965 Don't hesitate to call me. 881 01:02:43,597 --> 01:02:45,767 Nice to see you, Jared. 882 01:02:46,934 --> 01:02:49,734 I'll take the footlong... fully loaded. 883 01:03:05,327 --> 01:03:06,895 41 confirmed kills. 884 01:03:06,995 --> 01:03:09,405 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 885 01:03:10,165 --> 01:03:11,455 Mr. Wilson? 886 01:03:13,252 --> 01:03:15,422 You're looking very alive. 887 01:03:16,255 --> 01:03:17,305 Only on the outside. 888 01:03:17,965 --> 01:03:20,826 - This is not going to end well for me, is it? - This is not gonna end well for you, no. 889 01:03:20,926 --> 01:03:22,035 Where's your boss? 890 01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:23,755 I can tell you exactly... 891 01:03:25,472 --> 01:03:27,352 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 892 01:03:27,933 --> 01:03:30,169 You might wanna look away for this. 893 01:03:30,269 --> 01:03:31,519 Now this little piggy went to... 894 01:03:33,647 --> 01:03:35,937 Thank you, Agent Smith. 895 01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,278 Taxi! 896 01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:44,280 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 897 01:03:46,285 --> 01:03:47,665 And we all know how this turned out. 898 01:03:50,622 --> 01:03:52,832 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 899 01:04:00,799 --> 01:04:02,629 There. All caught up. 900 01:04:10,559 --> 01:04:12,479 We're here. 901 01:04:13,395 --> 01:04:16,475 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 902 01:04:22,738 --> 01:04:24,818 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 903 01:04:26,992 --> 01:04:29,478 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 904 01:04:29,578 --> 01:04:34,668 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 905 01:04:35,334 --> 01:04:39,844 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 906 01:04:40,672 --> 01:04:44,932 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 907 01:04:45,344 --> 01:04:46,894 God, I miss cocaine. 908 01:04:47,513 --> 01:04:48,223 Her. 909 01:04:49,348 --> 01:04:51,928 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 910 01:04:52,184 --> 01:04:54,734 That's like 16 walls. 911 01:04:55,270 --> 01:05:00,634 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 912 01:05:00,734 --> 01:05:02,404 And I think she's in love with me. 913 01:05:02,861 --> 01:05:06,241 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 914 01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:17,250 Al? 915 01:05:19,670 --> 01:05:20,920 Morning, sleepyhead. 916 01:05:22,548 --> 01:05:24,658 It smells like old lady pants in here. 917 01:05:24,758 --> 01:05:26,660 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 918 01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:28,350 But you're no lady. 919 01:05:29,513 --> 01:05:31,183 So comfy. 920 01:05:31,932 --> 01:05:34,918 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 921 01:05:35,018 --> 01:05:36,462 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 922 01:05:36,562 --> 01:05:37,522 Yes, I know. 923 01:05:38,063 --> 01:05:40,674 Downside of being blind... 924 01:05:40,774 --> 01:05:42,944 I hear everything in this duplex. 925 01:05:45,279 --> 01:05:46,472 Sit on a stick. 926 01:05:46,572 --> 01:05:47,514 Bactin? 927 01:05:47,614 --> 01:05:51,704 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 928 01:05:52,911 --> 01:05:56,690 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 929 01:05:56,790 --> 01:05:59,693 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 930 01:05:59,793 --> 01:06:01,673 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 931 01:06:02,337 --> 01:06:04,907 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 932 01:06:05,007 --> 01:06:08,507 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 933 01:06:09,636 --> 01:06:11,926 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 934 01:06:12,264 --> 01:06:13,082 Screw, please. 935 01:06:13,182 --> 01:06:14,500 Here? Now? Just kidding. 936 01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:15,751 I know it's been decades. 937 01:06:15,851 --> 01:06:16,981 You'd be surprised. 938 01:06:17,686 --> 01:06:18,766 Pretty grossed out. 939 01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,192 Ta... Da. 940 01:06:28,989 --> 01:06:32,119 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 941 01:06:32,534 --> 01:06:35,104 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 942 01:06:35,204 --> 01:06:36,271 "Must be good with hands." 943 01:06:36,371 --> 01:06:38,565 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 944 01:06:38,665 --> 01:06:40,535 Why such a douche this morning? 945 01:06:41,293 --> 01:06:42,361 Let's recap. 946 01:06:42,461 --> 01:06:44,738 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 947 01:06:44,838 --> 01:06:46,458 slipped through my arms today... 948 01:06:48,133 --> 01:06:49,343 Arm. 949 01:06:49,801 --> 01:06:52,871 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 950 01:06:52,971 --> 01:06:55,207 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 951 01:06:55,307 --> 01:06:59,057 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 952 01:07:00,979 --> 01:07:02,519 # driveby. 953 01:07:19,998 --> 01:07:21,998 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 954 01:07:24,336 --> 01:07:26,206 Fucking Wade Wilson. 955 01:07:27,172 --> 01:07:29,512 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 956 01:07:30,175 --> 01:07:31,715 I only wish I healed the same. 957 01:07:35,681 --> 01:07:38,417 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 958 01:07:38,517 --> 01:07:39,767 On our terms. 959 01:07:40,185 --> 01:07:41,935 Right. And when he heals? 960 01:07:42,938 --> 01:07:44,006 He can't. 961 01:07:44,106 --> 01:07:46,633 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 962 01:07:46,733 --> 01:07:50,703 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 963 01:07:52,114 --> 01:07:53,534 I like a challenge. 964 01:07:54,867 --> 01:07:56,977 But he's bad for business. 965 01:07:57,077 --> 01:07:58,787 Now let's go find him. 966 01:08:03,250 --> 01:08:04,610 Tylenol PM? 967 01:08:04,710 --> 01:08:07,210 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 968 01:08:07,629 --> 01:08:09,990 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 969 01:08:10,090 --> 01:08:14,050 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 970 01:08:16,889 --> 01:08:18,969 But I appreciate the gesture. 971 01:08:19,892 --> 01:08:24,296 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 972 01:08:24,396 --> 01:08:26,146 About the size of a KFC spork. 973 01:08:28,317 --> 01:08:30,469 I get why you're so pissy... 974 01:08:30,569 --> 01:08:33,514 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 975 01:08:33,614 --> 01:08:34,973 and tell her how you feel. 976 01:08:35,073 --> 01:08:38,393 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 977 01:08:38,493 --> 01:08:40,145 If you could see me, you'd understand. 978 01:08:40,245 --> 01:08:41,313 Looks aren't everything. 979 01:08:41,413 --> 01:08:42,481 Looks are everything. 980 01:08:42,581 --> 01:08:44,650 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 981 01:08:44,750 --> 01:08:46,750 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 982 01:08:47,169 --> 01:08:50,364 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 983 01:08:50,464 --> 01:08:51,824 Love is blind, Wade. 984 01:08:51,924 --> 01:08:52,594 No. 985 01:08:53,926 --> 01:08:55,176 You're blind. 986 01:08:55,844 --> 01:08:58,705 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 987 01:08:58,805 --> 01:09:00,833 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 988 01:09:00,933 --> 01:09:02,933 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 989 01:09:03,852 --> 01:09:06,522 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 990 01:09:07,189 --> 01:09:09,609 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 991 01:09:10,943 --> 01:09:13,653 Go, go, go. 992 01:09:14,196 --> 01:09:17,099 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 993 01:09:17,199 --> 01:09:18,725 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 994 01:09:18,825 --> 01:09:20,686 The doctor says, "Five." 995 01:09:20,786 --> 01:09:22,354 The guy says, "Five what?" 996 01:09:22,454 --> 01:09:26,334 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 997 01:09:33,507 --> 01:09:35,047 Can I help you ladies? 998 01:09:37,636 --> 01:09:38,796 I do hope so. 999 01:09:43,016 --> 01:09:47,146 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1000 01:09:47,688 --> 01:09:48,688 Name of Wade Wilson. 1001 01:09:50,232 --> 01:09:51,300 Sorry. 1002 01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:52,980 I don't know the name. 1003 01:10:00,325 --> 01:10:02,655 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1004 01:10:06,373 --> 01:10:08,233 I've seen this girl. 1005 01:10:08,333 --> 01:10:10,843 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1006 01:10:15,591 --> 01:10:17,341 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1007 01:10:17,926 --> 01:10:20,506 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1008 01:10:21,930 --> 01:10:23,624 Easy, Angel. 1009 01:10:23,724 --> 01:10:25,104 Put the little man down. 1010 01:10:26,685 --> 01:10:28,435 We have everything we need now. 1011 01:10:28,854 --> 01:10:29,904 You sure? 1012 01:10:30,606 --> 01:10:33,634 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1013 01:10:33,734 --> 01:10:36,404 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1014 01:10:40,073 --> 01:10:41,783 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1015 01:10:46,788 --> 01:10:51,078 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1016 01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:53,630 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1017 01:10:54,129 --> 01:10:56,949 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1018 01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:59,118 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1019 01:10:59,218 --> 01:11:00,953 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1020 01:11:01,053 --> 01:11:02,053 Fuck me! 1021 01:11:02,387 --> 01:11:04,307 Maybe not start with that. 1022 01:11:10,229 --> 01:11:13,465 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1023 01:11:13,565 --> 01:11:15,725 give it up for Chastity! 1024 01:11:19,571 --> 01:11:21,849 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1025 01:11:21,949 --> 01:11:24,017 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1026 01:11:24,117 --> 01:11:25,561 How do you know she's in here? 1027 01:11:25,661 --> 01:11:28,791 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1028 01:11:53,772 --> 01:11:57,282 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1029 01:11:58,110 --> 01:12:00,280 Especially from this angle. 1030 01:12:23,802 --> 01:12:27,812 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1031 01:12:30,851 --> 01:12:33,521 You weak motherfucker! 1032 01:12:34,313 --> 01:12:35,313 Come on! 1033 01:12:36,523 --> 01:12:39,823 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1034 01:12:43,989 --> 01:12:45,319 Here we go. 1035 01:12:47,910 --> 01:12:49,490 Maximum effort. 1036 01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:54,170 Vanessa. 1037 01:12:56,668 --> 01:13:00,838 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1038 01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:29,280 I knew it was you. 1039 01:13:31,119 --> 01:13:33,039 The weird, curvy edges. 1040 01:13:34,623 --> 01:13:36,463 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1041 01:13:46,552 --> 01:13:48,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1042 01:13:57,396 --> 01:13:58,936 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1043 01:13:59,898 --> 01:14:02,438 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1044 01:14:30,470 --> 01:14:32,164 Motherfucker! 1045 01:14:32,264 --> 01:14:34,541 - Wait, wait. Let's... Just... - Cock juggling... 1046 01:14:34,641 --> 01:14:36,502 - We can talk about what we're gonna... - Jiminy! Fuck face! 1047 01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:37,836 Okay, or you can hit that. 1048 01:14:37,936 --> 01:14:39,713 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fuck! Fuck! 1049 01:14:39,813 --> 01:14:42,483 - No, no. All right. Hey! - Fuck! Fuck! 1050 01:14:42,941 --> 01:14:43,981 - Fuck! - Hey. 1051 01:14:45,027 --> 01:14:47,054 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1052 01:14:47,154 --> 01:14:48,430 Okay. I think that’s a good start. 1053 01:14:48,530 --> 01:14:50,557 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1054 01:14:50,657 --> 01:14:51,600 Wait. 1055 01:14:51,700 --> 01:14:53,143 - Find it! Find it. - What? 1056 01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:54,663 - I'm gonna get angry. - Okay. All right. 1057 01:14:55,078 --> 01:14:56,814 All right. Okay. All right. 1058 01:14:56,914 --> 01:14:58,190 Here. This is Vanessa. 1059 01:14:58,290 --> 01:15:00,275 - What? - No, wait. It's Francis. 1060 01:15:00,375 --> 01:15:01,995 He wants you to come to him. 1061 01:15:02,294 --> 01:15:04,464 - What is that? - That's the shit emoji. 1062 01:15:04,838 --> 01:15:06,907 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1063 01:15:07,007 --> 01:15:09,337 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1064 01:15:10,052 --> 01:15:11,203 I need guns. 1065 01:15:11,303 --> 01:15:12,413 Okay, which ones? 1066 01:15:12,513 --> 01:15:13,580 I need all the guns! 1067 01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:14,890 All right. Okay. 1068 01:15:35,577 --> 01:15:37,037 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1069 01:15:37,996 --> 01:15:40,036 We all know what I can do with 12. 1070 01:15:40,457 --> 01:15:42,609 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1071 01:15:42,709 --> 01:15:43,789 We're downrange. 1072 01:15:45,254 --> 01:15:48,804 I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest. 1073 01:15:49,967 --> 01:15:52,745 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje. 1074 01:15:52,845 --> 01:15:54,788 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1075 01:15:54,888 --> 01:15:57,624 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1076 01:15:57,724 --> 01:15:59,484 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1077 01:15:59,852 --> 01:16:01,352 Up, up, up. 1078 01:16:02,771 --> 01:16:03,839 Down, down, down. 1079 01:16:03,939 --> 01:16:04,649 Fuck you. 1080 01:16:06,775 --> 01:16:09,485 .45 cal. I like it. 1081 01:16:11,655 --> 01:16:12,915 Wade... 1082 01:16:14,116 --> 01:16:16,826 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1083 01:16:21,373 --> 01:16:22,543 Listen, Al... 1084 01:16:23,625 --> 01:16:28,795 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1085 01:16:29,715 --> 01:16:34,787 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1086 01:16:34,887 --> 01:16:37,677 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1087 01:16:43,187 --> 01:16:44,477 You wanna get fucked up? 1088 01:16:54,573 --> 01:16:56,073 Put her down over here. 1089 01:17:06,293 --> 01:17:07,503 Go on then. 1090 01:17:09,922 --> 01:17:12,512 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1091 01:17:12,966 --> 01:17:16,245 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1092 01:17:16,345 --> 01:17:19,540 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1093 01:17:19,640 --> 01:17:21,125 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1094 01:17:21,225 --> 01:17:24,837 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1095 01:17:24,937 --> 01:17:26,213 Like a cockroach... 1096 01:17:26,313 --> 01:17:27,613 but uglier. 1097 01:17:28,649 --> 01:17:32,109 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1098 01:17:33,195 --> 01:17:35,075 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1099 01:17:43,997 --> 01:17:45,497 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1100 01:17:46,124 --> 01:17:47,964 Fuck, you're old. 1101 01:17:49,628 --> 01:17:52,030 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1102 01:17:52,130 --> 01:17:53,449 Go get Silver Balls. 1103 01:17:53,549 --> 01:17:55,743 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1104 01:17:55,843 --> 01:17:58,353 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1105 01:17:58,804 --> 01:18:02,144 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1106 01:18:02,724 --> 01:18:04,585 He's got my girl. 1107 01:18:04,685 --> 01:18:06,065 You're gonna help me get her back. 1108 01:18:06,478 --> 01:18:08,255 Wade? Is that you? 1109 01:18:08,355 --> 01:18:12,775 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1110 01:18:15,487 --> 01:18:16,597 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1111 01:18:16,697 --> 01:18:18,724 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1112 01:18:18,824 --> 01:18:22,124 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1113 01:18:25,664 --> 01:18:27,065 And that is why, in my opinion... 1114 01:18:27,165 --> 01:18:30,375 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1115 01:18:30,878 --> 01:18:32,613 Who brought this twinkly man? 1116 01:18:32,713 --> 01:18:34,740 Twinkly, but deadly. 1117 01:18:34,840 --> 01:18:38,890 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1118 01:18:39,469 --> 01:18:43,415 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1119 01:18:43,515 --> 01:18:44,750 It's not boy band. 1120 01:18:44,850 --> 01:18:45,890 Sure it's not. 1121 01:18:47,227 --> 01:18:48,897 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1122 01:18:49,688 --> 01:18:52,091 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1123 01:18:52,191 --> 01:18:55,821 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1124 01:18:56,486 --> 01:18:58,196 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1125 01:19:04,077 --> 01:19:05,077 Dopinder? 1126 01:19:07,039 --> 01:19:08,039 What was that? 1127 01:19:10,083 --> 01:19:15,713 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1128 01:19:16,381 --> 01:19:17,616 Ban who? 1129 01:19:17,716 --> 01:19:20,452 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1130 01:19:20,552 --> 01:19:22,162 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1131 01:19:22,262 --> 01:19:26,062 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1132 01:19:27,392 --> 01:19:29,002 I did not tell him to do that. 1133 01:19:29,102 --> 01:19:31,755 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1134 01:19:31,855 --> 01:19:35,008 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1135 01:19:35,108 --> 01:19:36,176 I'm so proud of you. 1136 01:19:36,276 --> 01:19:38,512 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1137 01:19:38,612 --> 01:19:39,471 Kill him. 1138 01:19:39,571 --> 01:19:41,640 And then, win Gita back... 1139 01:19:41,740 --> 01:19:44,476 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1140 01:19:44,576 --> 01:19:45,906 Kidnap her. 1141 01:19:47,454 --> 01:19:48,624 He's super dead. 1142 01:19:54,086 --> 01:19:55,654 I presume a crisp high five? 1143 01:19:55,754 --> 01:19:57,094 For you? 10. 1144 01:19:58,590 --> 01:20:01,326 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1145 01:20:01,426 --> 01:20:03,296 You know what to do. 1146 01:20:04,263 --> 01:20:06,893 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1147 01:20:08,100 --> 01:20:10,100 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1148 01:20:11,603 --> 01:20:13,172 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1149 01:20:13,272 --> 01:20:16,175 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1150 01:20:16,275 --> 01:20:20,387 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1151 01:20:20,487 --> 01:20:24,657 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1152 01:20:37,629 --> 01:20:38,906 Hey. 1153 01:20:39,006 --> 01:20:40,296 Where's your duffle bag? 1154 01:20:59,151 --> 01:21:00,571 Bandhu? 1155 01:21:02,112 --> 01:21:04,181 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1156 01:21:04,281 --> 01:21:05,557 God damn it! 1157 01:21:05,657 --> 01:21:10,829 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way with two swords and maximum effort. 1158 01:21:11,830 --> 01:21:12,830 Cue the music. 1159 01:21:29,014 --> 01:21:31,474 Wade Wilson! 1160 01:21:32,017 --> 01:21:33,637 What's my name? 1161 01:21:34,269 --> 01:21:35,849 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1162 01:21:38,190 --> 01:21:39,216 Go get some. 1163 01:21:39,316 --> 01:21:40,426 Superhero landing. 1164 01:21:40,526 --> 01:21:42,526 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1165 01:21:47,157 --> 01:21:48,317 Superhero landing! 1166 01:21:48,867 --> 01:21:49,947 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1167 01:21:50,285 --> 01:21:51,695 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1168 01:21:52,204 --> 01:21:55,441 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1169 01:21:55,541 --> 01:21:56,692 That's why I brought him. 1170 01:21:56,792 --> 01:22:00,002 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1171 01:22:07,219 --> 01:22:10,309 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1172 01:22:11,849 --> 01:22:13,959 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1173 01:22:14,059 --> 01:22:15,586 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1174 01:22:15,686 --> 01:22:17,016 There you go. Hashtag it. 1175 01:22:18,397 --> 01:22:20,227 Go get her, tiger. 1176 01:22:26,905 --> 01:22:30,655 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1177 01:22:31,368 --> 01:22:32,908 All right, then. Fire! 1178 01:22:44,673 --> 01:22:46,241 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1179 01:22:46,341 --> 01:22:47,326 Language, please. 1180 01:22:47,426 --> 01:22:48,586 Suck a cock. 1181 01:23:14,620 --> 01:23:16,290 Look away, child. 1182 01:23:17,039 --> 01:23:18,369 Look away! 1183 01:23:25,714 --> 01:23:26,990 Wait! 1184 01:23:27,090 --> 01:23:28,200 Wait! 1185 01:23:28,300 --> 01:23:29,243 Cease fire! 1186 01:23:29,343 --> 01:23:30,619 Cease fire! 1187 01:23:30,719 --> 01:23:32,179 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1188 01:23:33,555 --> 01:23:37,209 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1189 01:23:37,309 --> 01:23:41,296 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1190 01:23:41,396 --> 01:23:44,341 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1191 01:23:44,441 --> 01:23:47,901 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1192 01:23:49,947 --> 01:23:51,181 Fine. 1193 01:23:51,281 --> 01:23:52,201 Commando! 1194 01:25:04,396 --> 01:25:05,306 Teabag! 1195 01:25:09,902 --> 01:25:10,862 Bob? 1196 01:25:11,945 --> 01:25:12,846 Wade? 1197 01:25:12,946 --> 01:25:14,181 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1198 01:25:14,281 --> 01:25:16,571 - Jacksonville. Fridays. - Since TGI Fridays. 1199 01:25:17,367 --> 01:25:19,077 Well, what the hell! 1200 01:25:19,661 --> 01:25:21,161 God, come here, you. 1201 01:25:23,332 --> 01:25:25,292 How are the kids? Good? 1202 01:25:25,834 --> 01:25:27,694 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1203 01:25:27,794 --> 01:25:30,594 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1204 01:25:37,304 --> 01:25:40,582 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1205 01:25:40,682 --> 01:25:41,732 That is so sweet. 1206 01:25:43,185 --> 01:25:44,105 Thanks. 1207 01:25:56,365 --> 01:25:59,955 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1208 01:26:00,327 --> 01:26:01,697 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1209 01:26:03,330 --> 01:26:04,120 Fire! 1210 01:26:11,713 --> 01:26:13,173 Hey! 1211 01:26:13,507 --> 01:26:14,467 Climb on! 1212 01:26:51,503 --> 01:26:53,053 Motherfucking... 1213 01:27:04,433 --> 01:27:06,893 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1214 01:27:09,688 --> 01:27:10,858 You were right, beautiful. 1215 01:27:11,732 --> 01:27:13,442 Red really is my color. 1216 01:27:14,359 --> 01:27:15,260 Wade? 1217 01:27:15,360 --> 01:27:16,240 Don't worry, baby... 1218 01:27:16,695 --> 01:27:18,695 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1219 01:27:19,198 --> 01:27:21,350 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1220 01:27:21,450 --> 01:27:23,310 Oh, you never left. 1221 01:27:23,410 --> 01:27:25,479 But you did, asshole! 1222 01:27:25,579 --> 01:27:27,039 Deep breath, darling. 1223 01:27:28,582 --> 01:27:29,712 Oh, wait. 1224 01:27:30,834 --> 01:27:32,384 Wrong choice of words. 1225 01:27:34,588 --> 01:27:37,408 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1226 01:27:37,508 --> 01:27:38,588 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1227 01:27:40,010 --> 01:27:42,050 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1228 01:27:42,554 --> 01:27:45,457 When I'm finished... parts will have to grow back you. 1229 01:27:45,557 --> 01:27:46,677 Good one. 1230 01:27:47,601 --> 01:27:49,461 Yep, that was a good one. 1231 01:27:49,561 --> 01:27:50,521 Let's dance. 1232 01:27:51,897 --> 01:27:54,270 And by dance, I mean... let's try to kill each other. 1233 01:28:48,954 --> 01:28:51,164 Fine. Fists. 1234 01:28:51,456 --> 01:28:53,286 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1235 01:30:15,207 --> 01:30:17,287 Asshole! 1236 01:31:13,640 --> 01:31:14,640 Hang in there, baby! 1237 01:31:15,142 --> 01:31:17,102 - Wade! - I gotcha! 1238 01:31:20,522 --> 01:31:22,482 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1239 01:31:33,118 --> 01:31:34,238 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1240 01:31:40,209 --> 01:31:42,709 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1241 01:31:58,727 --> 01:31:59,807 Damn it! 1242 01:32:00,729 --> 01:32:03,609 Maximum effort! 1243 01:32:45,941 --> 01:32:46,941 Thanks. 1244 01:32:51,864 --> 01:32:53,534 Just take it slow. 1245 01:33:03,959 --> 01:33:06,589 Oh, my God! That was so... 1246 01:33:37,618 --> 01:33:39,198 There are no words! 1247 01:33:40,245 --> 01:33:43,865 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1248 01:33:44,625 --> 01:33:45,635 What? 1249 01:33:48,170 --> 01:33:50,880 You stupid fucking idiot. 1250 01:33:51,423 --> 01:33:55,973 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1251 01:33:57,888 --> 01:33:58,808 What? 1252 01:33:59,264 --> 01:34:00,354 You heard me. 1253 01:34:02,142 --> 01:34:03,252 No. 1254 01:34:03,352 --> 01:34:04,602 No! 1255 01:34:11,777 --> 01:34:14,777 So, you mean to say... 1256 01:34:15,572 --> 01:34:19,832 after all this, you can't fix me? 1257 01:34:20,410 --> 01:34:22,479 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1258 01:34:22,579 --> 01:34:27,669 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1259 01:34:31,505 --> 01:34:33,345 Any last words? 1260 01:34:35,217 --> 01:34:36,297 What's my name? 1261 01:34:37,427 --> 01:34:38,662 Who fucking cares? 1262 01:34:38,762 --> 01:34:39,552 Wade! 1263 01:34:41,181 --> 01:34:43,561 Four or five moments. 1264 01:34:44,142 --> 01:34:45,085 I'm sorry? 1265 01:34:45,185 --> 01:34:47,555 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1266 01:34:48,272 --> 01:34:49,152 To? 1267 01:34:50,315 --> 01:34:51,645 Be a hero. 1268 01:34:53,652 --> 01:34:56,346 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1269 01:34:56,446 --> 01:35:00,026 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1270 01:35:00,826 --> 01:35:02,561 Not true. 1271 01:35:02,661 --> 01:35:07,831 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1272 01:35:08,208 --> 01:35:10,652 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1273 01:35:10,752 --> 01:35:14,922 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1274 01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:18,336 spare an enemy. 1275 01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:20,140 In these moments... 1276 01:35:20,929 --> 01:35:23,809 everything else falls away. 1277 01:35:24,516 --> 01:35:27,056 The way the world sees us. 1278 01:35:27,436 --> 01:35:28,436 The way we... 1279 01:35:32,691 --> 01:35:33,691 Why? 1280 01:35:34,943 --> 01:35:36,929 You were droning on. 1281 01:35:37,029 --> 01:35:40,015 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1282 01:35:40,115 --> 01:35:42,905 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1283 01:35:43,160 --> 01:35:45,790 If wearing superhero tights... 1284 01:35:46,246 --> 01:35:47,648 means sparing psychopaths... 1285 01:35:47,748 --> 01:35:49,858 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1286 01:35:49,958 --> 01:35:52,361 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1287 01:35:52,461 --> 01:35:53,570 Just promise... 1288 01:35:53,670 --> 01:35:57,366 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1289 01:35:57,466 --> 01:35:59,034 Oh, shit. 1290 01:35:59,134 --> 01:36:05,040 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1291 01:36:05,140 --> 01:36:06,417 and tell her... 1292 01:36:06,517 --> 01:36:08,544 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1293 01:36:08,644 --> 01:36:11,904 Well, you better figure it out. 1294 01:36:13,357 --> 01:36:14,591 I can't even tell you... 1295 01:36:14,691 --> 01:36:15,781 I deserved that. That, too. 1296 01:36:16,527 --> 01:36:18,220 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1297 01:36:18,320 --> 01:36:20,110 Start talking! 1298 01:36:22,157 --> 01:36:23,737 I'm sorry. 1299 01:36:23,992 --> 01:36:25,452 I'm so sorry. 1300 01:36:26,286 --> 01:36:28,826 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1301 01:36:30,332 --> 01:36:32,359 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1302 01:36:32,459 --> 01:36:34,486 It's been rough couple of years. 1303 01:36:34,586 --> 01:36:35,246 Rough? 1304 01:36:43,053 --> 01:36:44,893 I live in a crackhouse. 1305 01:36:46,139 --> 01:36:47,469 With a family of 12. 1306 01:36:49,226 --> 01:36:50,711 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1307 01:36:50,811 --> 01:36:53,797 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1308 01:36:53,897 --> 01:36:59,737 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1309 01:37:07,870 --> 01:37:10,040 So, you live in a house. 1310 01:37:18,881 --> 01:37:21,841 I should have come and found you sooner. 1311 01:37:23,302 --> 01:37:27,262 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1312 01:37:31,643 --> 01:37:32,853 You mean this mask? 1313 01:37:52,998 --> 01:37:54,578 And this one. 1314 01:37:56,043 --> 01:37:57,843 In case the other fell off. 1315 01:38:00,797 --> 01:38:03,033 All right. Yeah, just... 1316 01:38:03,133 --> 01:38:04,785 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1317 01:38:04,885 --> 01:38:07,037 Owdie 5,000. 1318 01:38:07,137 --> 01:38:08,097 Wait, wait, wait... 1319 01:38:10,057 --> 01:38:11,307 Are you sure? 1320 01:38:13,185 --> 01:38:14,195 I'm sure. 1321 01:38:24,696 --> 01:38:25,566 Wow. 1322 01:38:26,949 --> 01:38:28,069 Yeah. 1323 01:38:34,998 --> 01:38:36,328 Hey... 1324 01:38:38,585 --> 01:38:42,799 After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks... 1325 01:38:44,216 --> 01:38:46,176 it's a face... 1326 01:38:50,639 --> 01:38:52,269 I'd be happy to sit on. 1327 01:38:59,731 --> 01:39:03,385 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1328 01:39:03,485 --> 01:39:04,275 No. 1329 01:39:04,820 --> 01:39:06,722 Super-penis. 1330 01:39:06,822 --> 01:39:08,702 Come on, Wade. Language. 1331 01:39:08,949 --> 01:39:10,329 Young one is present. 1332 01:39:11,410 --> 01:39:13,228 What are you still doing? 1333 01:39:13,328 --> 01:39:15,981 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1334 01:39:16,081 --> 01:39:18,817 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1335 01:39:18,917 --> 01:39:20,611 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1336 01:39:20,711 --> 01:39:22,613 And you, chicken noodle... 1337 01:39:22,713 --> 01:39:24,448 nothing compares to you. 1338 01:39:24,548 --> 01:39:26,575 Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1339 01:39:26,675 --> 01:39:29,385 That's all right. You're cool. 1340 01:39:31,305 --> 01:39:32,956 What in the ass? 1341 01:39:33,056 --> 01:39:36,096 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1342 01:39:36,518 --> 01:39:39,630 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1343 01:39:39,730 --> 01:39:42,800 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1344 01:39:42,900 --> 01:39:45,110 coming together to form one super robot. 1345 01:39:45,986 --> 01:39:47,137 There's a stupid. 1346 01:39:47,237 --> 01:39:48,277 Yeah. 1347 01:39:51,742 --> 01:39:56,122 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1348 01:39:59,875 --> 01:40:01,005 Come here. 1349 01:40:10,886 --> 01:40:13,846 Wham! As promised. 1350 01:40:26,902 --> 01:40:28,011 See? 1351 01:40:28,111 --> 01:40:31,640 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1352 01:40:31,740 --> 01:40:34,620 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1353 01:40:35,118 --> 01:40:38,564 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1354 01:40:38,664 --> 01:40:40,190 There we go, that looks nice. 1355 01:40:40,290 --> 01:40:42,609 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1356 01:40:42,709 --> 01:40:46,029 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1357 01:40:46,129 --> 01:40:49,908 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1358 01:40:50,008 --> 01:40:55,888 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1359 01:47:05,843 --> 01:47:07,393 You're still here? 1360 01:47:10,013 --> 01:47:13,063 It's over. Go home. 1361 01:47:14,726 --> 01:47:19,056 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1362 01:47:20,107 --> 01:47:23,093 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1363 01:47:23,193 --> 01:47:25,804 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1364 01:47:25,904 --> 01:47:27,534 Go. Go. 1365 01:47:33,787 --> 01:47:36,273 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1366 01:47:36,373 --> 01:47:39,526 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1367 01:47:39,626 --> 01:47:41,987 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1368 01:47:42,087 --> 01:47:44,323 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1369 01:47:44,423 --> 01:47:47,659 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1370 01:47:47,759 --> 01:47:50,204 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1371 01:47:50,304 --> 01:47:51,663 Anyway, big secret. 1372 01:47:51,763 --> 01:47:56,273 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1373 01:47:57,227 --> 01:47:58,312 Go. 99319