All language subtitles for Deadpool.2016.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-RARBG

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,850 Kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,348 Yeah, little help. 3 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:10,146 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 4 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,979 Excuse me. 5 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:15,888 Dopinder. 6 00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:17,988 Pool. Dead. 7 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,618 Nice. 8 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:22,853 Smells good, no? 9 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,833 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 10 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,379 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 11 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,496 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 12 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,784 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 13 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,854 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 14 00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:45,854 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 15 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,586 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 16 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:52,466 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 17 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,356 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 18 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,360 So you gotta hold onto love... 19 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,099 tight! 20 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:03,102 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 21 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,394 - Got it? - Yeah. 22 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:08,004 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 23 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,818 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 24 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,821 - Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. - Okay, enough. 25 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,782 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 26 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,592 It's bad. 27 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,787 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 28 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,789 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 29 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,333 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 30 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,962 I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and... 31 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:32,402 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 32 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,301 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 33 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,741 This shit... 34 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:39,949 Boo! 35 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,974 They won't disappoint. 36 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,371 They'd better not. 37 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,832 And what about next month's shipment? 38 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,625 There won't be one. 39 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,265 You're not the only one with a war to win. 40 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,898 That won't do. 41 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,736 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 42 00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:25,784 We'd appreciate your patience. 43 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,287 Okay. 44 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,288 We'll deliver in full the following month. 45 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:36,844 Pleasure doing business with you. 46 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,509 Fucking mutant. 47 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,046 Ah, shit! 48 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,516 I forgot my ammo bag. 49 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,106 - Shall we turn back? - No, no time. 50 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,052 Fuck it. I got this. 51 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,430 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 52 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,240 Right here! 53 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,061 That's $27.50. 54 00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:10,813 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 55 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,333 Ruins the lines of my suit. 56 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,250 But, how about a crisp high five? 57 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:16,402 Okay. 58 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:17,752 Merry Christmas. 59 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,087 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 60 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:30,541 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 61 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:32,584 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 62 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,379 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 63 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:37,840 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 64 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,092 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 65 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,652 You're a shotgun - bang! 66 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,682 Oh, hello. I know, right? 67 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:50,436 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 68 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:54,116 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 69 00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:59,862 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 70 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:04,116 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 71 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:06,886 Bad guys to kill. 72 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,557 Maximum effort. 73 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:24,399 Cock shot. 74 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,292 Rich Corinthian leather. 75 00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,078 I'm looking for Francis! 76 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:39,915 Have you seen this man? 77 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,182 Yanky, yanky! 78 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:26,169 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 79 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,028 Shit. 80 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,665 Did I leave the stove on? 81 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,514 Now, breaking news. 82 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,434 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 83 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:16,717 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 84 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,626 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 85 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,755 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 86 00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,275 - a red suit. - A red suit. 87 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,133 Deadpool. 88 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,943 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 89 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,264 Colossus, wait up. 90 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,684 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 91 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,936 but he'd rather act like a child. 92 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,481 A heavily-armed child. 93 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,276 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 94 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,206 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 95 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,363 The house that blows up every few years? 96 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,448 Please. 97 00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,878 House blowing up builds character. 98 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,203 You ate breakfast, yes? 99 00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,553 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 100 00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:01,710 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 101 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,150 Deadpool may try to break yours. 102 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,951 Get out of the way! 103 00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:32,967 Hey! 104 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,444 Wait! 105 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,840 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 106 00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:49,860 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 107 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,111 This guy's got the right idea. 108 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,784 He wore the brown pants. 109 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,850 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 110 00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,560 so you're gonna have to share! 111 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,450 Let's count them down. 112 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:21,926 Shit. 113 00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,687 Motherfucker! 114 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,110 10! Shit! 115 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:30,693 Nine. Fuck. 116 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:31,779 Eight. 117 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,319 Shit-fuck! 118 00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,324 Bad Deadpool. 119 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,953 Seven. Good Deadpool. 120 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,734 Someone's not counting. Six. 121 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:34,547 Four. 122 00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,922 Gotcha. 123 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,926 Right up Main Street. 124 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:46,083 Three, two! 125 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,063 Stupid! Worth it. 126 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,379 I'm touching myself tonight. 127 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,304 Francis! 128 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,915 Francis... 129 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,121 What the shit-biscuit! 130 00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:25,931 Where you at, Francis? 131 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,897 You're not Francis. 132 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,369 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 133 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,990 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 134 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,890 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 135 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:08,466 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 136 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,959 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 137 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,295 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 138 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,381 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 139 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,841 And to tell it right... 140 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:22,741 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 141 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:28,727 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 142 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:32,564 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 143 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,794 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 144 00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,288 Then who placed the call? 145 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,170 I did! 146 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,917 Pineapple and olive? 147 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,328 Sweet and salty. 148 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,498 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 149 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:50,518 Is it burnt crust? 150 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,139 God, I hope not. 151 00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:54,586 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 152 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,922 I told Howie, I told him that... 153 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,926 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 154 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,106 Thanks. 155 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,658 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 156 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:09,017 Jeremy, is it? 157 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,537 Wade. Wade Wilson. 158 00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:14,606 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 159 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,166 I'm not here for him. 160 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,132 I'm here for you. 161 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,613 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 162 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,633 Not out of the woods yet. 163 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:26,535 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 164 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,537 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 165 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,873 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 166 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,708 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 167 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:35,058 I will shoot your fucking cat! 168 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,314 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 169 00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,397 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 170 00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,638 Anyhoo, tell me something... 171 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,434 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 172 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,811 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 173 00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:54,480 Getting that right? Orflosky? 174 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:56,870 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 175 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,318 Because she knows you. 176 00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:03,822 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 177 00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,784 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 178 00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,184 I got a soft spot. 179 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,720 - But I'm a... - A stalker. 180 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:12,748 Threats hurt, Jer. 181 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,251 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 182 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,505 So keep away from Meghan. 183 00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:20,464 Cool? 184 00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,757 Yes, sir. 185 00:16:21,857 --> 00:16:22,607 Then we're done. 186 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,177 Wait. We are? 187 00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:26,947 Yeah. We're totally done. 188 00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:29,014 You should’ve seen your face. 189 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,414 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 190 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:31,779 Soft spot, remember? 191 00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:35,312 You even look in her general direction again... 192 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:39,122 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 193 00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:42,456 That came out wrong. 194 00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:44,799 Or did it? 195 00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:58,981 Meghan? 196 00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:03,647 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 197 00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,323 No friggin' way. 198 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,776 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 199 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:17,312 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 200 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,231 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 201 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,001 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 202 00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:23,958 Hey, wait! 203 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,697 You're my hero. 204 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:29,297 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 205 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,466 Nope. Never will be. 206 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,346 Fuck you, Wade. 207 00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:39,181 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 208 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,234 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 209 00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:44,611 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 210 00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:47,259 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 211 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,012 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 212 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:53,098 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 213 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,028 Buck! Liefeld... 214 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,327 Hey, Wade! 215 00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:59,332 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 216 00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:01,122 I'd love a Blow Job. 217 00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,608 Oh, God, me too. 218 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,708 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 219 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,363 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 220 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,240 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 221 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,283 Orlovsky. 222 00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:12,284 Yeah, her. 223 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,644 You sure? 224 00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,288 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 225 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,248 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 226 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,209 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 227 00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:21,627 Just a little light stalking. 228 00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,128 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 229 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,089 I was traveling to exotic places... 230 00:18:25,189 --> 00:18:29,189 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 231 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,531 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 232 00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:34,223 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 233 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,808 That's classified. 234 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:38,143 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 235 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:40,479 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 236 00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:41,814 whipped cream. 237 00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:44,004 I give you a Blow Job. 238 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,818 Why do you make me make that? 239 00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,653 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 240 00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:51,156 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 241 00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,492 Remind me what good will come of this? 242 00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,577 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 243 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,217 Boothe! 244 00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,163 - Easy, man. - Hold up! Hold up! 245 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,263 What you want? 246 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,390 - Cheers. To your health. - Fuck you. 247 00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:07,005 Come here, you fat fuck! 248 00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:08,565 That's a new stool. 249 00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,895 Stay the fuck down. 250 00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,184 Whoa! Took his ass out! 251 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,145 All right, move. Move, move, move. 252 00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,295 Buck, go rest. 253 00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:24,912 Boothe got hit then went down. 254 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,380 Yeah, he's still breathing. 255 00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,534 Nobody wins today. 256 00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,202 Nice try, Wade. 257 00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,873 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 258 00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,933 Yeah, Wade, about that... 259 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,233 No. 260 00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:46,483 You did not bet on me to die. 261 00:19:48,856 --> 00:19:52,896 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 262 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,554 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 263 00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:57,848 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 264 00:19:57,948 --> 00:20:00,726 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 265 00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,060 I never win anything. 266 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,228 Whatever. 267 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,908 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 268 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,252 Domestic, nothing imported. 269 00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:17,177 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 270 00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:20,469 Tight. 271 00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:24,099 - Vanessa. - Wade. 272 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,603 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 273 00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,228 I'd hit that. 274 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,322 Buck, you best apologize before... 275 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,802 Yeah, that. 276 00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,512 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 277 00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,430 - I'm sorry. - Breathe through the nose. 278 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,641 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 279 00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,991 Let go. Okay. Hey... 280 00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,187 - Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. - I'm working on it. 281 00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:47,247 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 282 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 283 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:52,843 Merchandise? 284 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:55,739 So you... 285 00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,199 bump fuzzies for money? 286 00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:57,991 Yep. 287 00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,284 Rough childhood? 288 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,369 Rougher than yours. 289 00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,049 Daddy left before I was born. 290 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,219 Daddy left before I was conceived. 291 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,772 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 292 00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:08,419 Where else do you put one out? 293 00:21:08,519 --> 00:21:09,753 I was molested. 294 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,505 Me too. Uncle. 295 00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,905 Uncles. They took turns. 296 00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,760 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 297 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,178 which also happens to be my... 298 00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:21,108 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 299 00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:23,239 You had a dishwasher. 300 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:24,810 I didn't even know sleep. 301 00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:28,160 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 302 00:21:32,209 --> 00:21:33,459 Who would do such a thing? 303 00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:38,588 Hopefully you, later tonight? 304 00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:46,346 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 305 00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,209 a Yogurtland rewards card? 306 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,939 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 307 00:21:53,397 --> 00:21:55,147 And a low-fat dessert. 308 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:04,445 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 309 00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,914 It's time to put balls in holes. 310 00:22:08,954 --> 00:22:10,464 You said whatever I want. 311 00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:12,170 I get it. 312 00:22:12,583 --> 00:22:14,068 You love skee ball. 313 00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,403 Apparently more than you love vagina. 314 00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,963 That's a tough call. 315 00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:21,075 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 316 00:22:21,175 --> 00:22:25,015 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 317 00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:26,139 Balls in holes. 318 00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,256 Balls in holes. 319 00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:29,875 Prepare to lose tragically. 320 00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:31,043 Bring it, big man. 321 00:22:31,143 --> 00:22:32,143 Okay. 322 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:42,863 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 323 00:22:43,322 --> 00:22:45,822 Okay. Here we go. 324 00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,852 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 325 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,729 And I will take the pencil eraser. 326 00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:52,189 Okay. 327 00:22:52,289 --> 00:22:55,025 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 328 00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:58,457 And you can erase stuff... written in pencil. 329 00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:00,197 M'lady? 330 00:23:00,297 --> 00:23:03,513 Well, I hate to break it to you... but your 48 minutes are up. 331 00:23:04,009 --> 00:23:06,745 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 332 00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:11,345 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 333 00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,753 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 334 00:23:14,853 --> 00:23:15,754 Deal. 335 00:23:15,854 --> 00:23:18,154 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 336 00:23:19,233 --> 00:23:20,033 Cuddle? 337 00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:25,863 How long can you keep this up? 338 00:23:26,323 --> 00:23:27,163 All year? 339 00:23:37,835 --> 00:23:39,715 Happy Valentine's Day. 340 00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:48,912 Happy Chinese New Year. 341 00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,352 Year of the Dog. 342 00:23:55,561 --> 00:23:56,731 Relax. 343 00:23:57,312 --> 00:23:59,402 And Happy International Women's Day. 344 00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,069 No. No. No. 345 00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:10,578 Happy Lent. 346 00:24:15,831 --> 00:24:17,065 - Wade? - Sorry. 347 00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:18,495 Happy Halloween. 348 00:24:18,876 --> 00:24:19,746 Happy Halloween. 349 00:24:29,511 --> 00:24:31,221 Happy Thanksgiving. 350 00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:34,433 I love you. 351 00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:40,255 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 352 00:24:40,355 --> 00:24:44,858 and your right leg is Christmas... can I visit you between the holidays? 353 00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:48,608 That sweater is terrible. 354 00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:51,266 But red looks good on you. 355 00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:52,434 Red's your color. 356 00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:54,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 357 00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:56,355 Listen, I've been thinking... 358 00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:59,793 - Really? - ...about why we're so good together. 359 00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:01,289 Why's that? 360 00:25:03,295 --> 00:25:05,805 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 361 00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:10,930 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 362 00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:13,723 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 363 00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:15,603 Right. 364 00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,315 Wade... 365 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,504 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 366 00:25:20,604 --> 00:25:23,114 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 367 00:25:25,234 --> 00:25:26,284 Will you... 368 00:25:27,486 --> 00:25:29,396 - stick it in my... - Marry me? 369 00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:33,407 Jinx? 370 00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:36,395 Where were you hiding that? 371 00:25:36,495 --> 00:25:37,505 Nowhere. 372 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:40,190 They say one month's salary. So... 373 00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:41,233 You mean? 374 00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:42,401 I do. 375 00:25:42,501 --> 00:25:43,501 That's my line. 376 00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:48,469 I love you, Wade Wilson. 377 00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:50,576 You're supposed to... So that's a... 378 00:25:50,676 --> 00:25:51,506 Yes! 379 00:25:52,928 --> 00:25:54,008 Yes! 380 00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:57,599 I feel just like a little girl. 381 00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:05,215 What if I just held on and never let go? 382 00:26:05,315 --> 00:26:07,855 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 383 00:26:08,861 --> 00:26:10,361 Star Wars jokes. 384 00:26:10,821 --> 00:26:12,031 Empire. 385 00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:16,700 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 386 00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,039 Hey. 387 00:26:23,125 --> 00:26:24,135 Perfect. 388 00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:29,740 - Let's see. - All right, wee break. 389 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,130 Shake it, yeah. 390 00:26:37,389 --> 00:26:38,519 Here's the thing. 391 00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:40,793 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 392 00:26:40,893 --> 00:26:44,403 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 393 00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:48,065 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 394 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:53,722 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 395 00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:54,572 What the... 396 00:26:55,699 --> 00:26:56,829 Oh, my God. Wade? 397 00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,373 You're clowning. 398 00:27:04,875 --> 00:27:06,255 You're not clowning? 399 00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:07,668 I sense clowns. 400 00:27:08,086 --> 00:27:11,532 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 401 00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:16,182 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 402 00:27:20,724 --> 00:27:21,854 So what do we do? 403 00:27:22,476 --> 00:27:24,686 Surely there is something we can do. 404 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:28,424 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 405 00:27:28,524 --> 00:27:31,009 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 406 00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:35,359 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 407 00:27:35,656 --> 00:27:39,196 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 408 00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:42,248 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 409 00:27:42,621 --> 00:27:43,397 Or the last. 410 00:27:43,497 --> 00:27:44,940 Mr. Wilson... 411 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,460 Mr. Wilson? 412 00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:49,165 Take your time to process this. 413 00:27:50,212 --> 00:27:52,132 It's important not to do anything rash. 414 00:28:03,684 --> 00:28:08,944 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 415 00:28:34,423 --> 00:28:38,744 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 416 00:28:38,844 --> 00:28:42,314 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 417 00:28:43,974 --> 00:28:45,644 His form looks good. 418 00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,559 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 419 00:28:52,149 --> 00:28:54,426 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 420 00:28:54,526 --> 00:28:56,776 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 421 00:28:57,821 --> 00:28:59,281 Giving him the business. 422 00:28:59,865 --> 00:29:00,785 Incoming! 423 00:29:01,909 --> 00:29:05,659 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 424 00:29:11,001 --> 00:29:14,671 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 425 00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:17,215 Ringing any bells? No? 426 00:29:22,179 --> 00:29:23,429 How about now? 427 00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,604 Wade fucking Wilson. 428 00:29:32,105 --> 00:29:33,340 Well, hello, gorgeous. 429 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,385 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 430 00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:39,596 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 431 00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:41,682 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 432 00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:44,782 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 433 00:29:45,118 --> 00:29:46,687 I'm actually quite jealous. 434 00:29:46,787 --> 00:29:49,037 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 435 00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:55,254 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 436 00:29:57,673 --> 00:29:58,423 Dad? 437 00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:06,472 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 438 00:30:07,516 --> 00:30:09,476 Well, maybe not the most. 439 00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:13,731 This is my most prized possession. 440 00:30:14,398 --> 00:30:15,299 Wham? 441 00:30:15,399 --> 00:30:17,229 No, no, no. Wham! 442 00:30:17,818 --> 00:30:21,238 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 443 00:30:22,281 --> 00:30:25,142 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 444 00:30:25,242 --> 00:30:26,769 Think of it like spring cleaning. 445 00:30:26,869 --> 00:30:28,103 Only if spring was death. 446 00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:32,173 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 447 00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:34,668 Sounds like you do. 448 00:30:35,502 --> 00:30:39,406 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 449 00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,296 Drink. 450 00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:43,410 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 451 00:30:43,510 --> 00:30:44,640 All things I can live without. 452 00:30:46,972 --> 00:30:48,916 You belong here at home. 453 00:30:49,016 --> 00:30:52,636 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 454 00:30:53,979 --> 00:30:57,439 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 455 00:30:59,109 --> 00:31:05,369 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 456 00:31:06,116 --> 00:31:10,656 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 457 00:31:12,039 --> 00:31:13,669 I want you to remember me. 458 00:31:15,209 --> 00:31:16,985 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 459 00:31:17,085 --> 00:31:18,875 Well, I wanna remember us. 460 00:31:19,338 --> 00:31:20,948 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 461 00:31:21,048 --> 00:31:24,159 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 462 00:31:24,259 --> 00:31:25,679 Wham! 463 00:31:29,056 --> 00:31:32,056 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 464 00:31:34,645 --> 00:31:36,025 We can fight this. 465 00:31:39,191 --> 00:31:41,361 Besides, I just realized something. 466 00:31:42,194 --> 00:31:47,324 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 467 00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,745 I love you. 468 00:32:04,424 --> 00:32:05,554 Wade. 469 00:32:07,761 --> 00:32:08,912 Weas. 470 00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:11,498 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 471 00:32:11,598 --> 00:32:13,667 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 472 00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:15,377 How about three shots of Patrón? 473 00:32:15,477 --> 00:32:19,173 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 474 00:32:19,273 --> 00:32:20,591 Excellent for the immune system. 475 00:32:20,691 --> 00:32:22,718 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 476 00:32:22,818 --> 00:32:23,927 Here, check it out. 477 00:32:24,027 --> 00:32:27,431 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 478 00:32:27,531 --> 00:32:29,281 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 479 00:32:29,741 --> 00:32:32,644 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 480 00:32:32,744 --> 00:32:35,504 You got China and Central Mexico. 481 00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:38,150 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 482 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:39,290 No. 483 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,612 El Cáncer. 484 00:32:41,712 --> 00:32:43,552 I could have guessed that. 485 00:32:43,922 --> 00:32:45,407 Look how happy you look here. 486 00:32:45,507 --> 00:32:49,507 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 487 00:32:50,012 --> 00:32:51,914 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 488 00:32:52,014 --> 00:32:54,666 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 489 00:32:54,766 --> 00:32:56,346 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 490 00:32:59,146 --> 00:33:01,757 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 491 00:33:01,857 --> 00:33:04,676 Real Grim Reaper type. 492 00:33:04,776 --> 00:33:06,736 I don't know. Might further the plot. 493 00:33:10,741 --> 00:33:11,767 Boothe. 494 00:33:11,867 --> 00:33:12,947 Wade. 495 00:33:18,332 --> 00:33:19,252 Mr. Wilson. 496 00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:20,859 How can I help you? 497 00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:23,612 Besides luring children into a panel van. 498 00:33:23,712 --> 00:33:27,324 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 499 00:33:27,424 --> 00:33:28,492 Stalker alert. 500 00:33:28,592 --> 00:33:30,762 It's my job. Recruitment. 501 00:33:31,512 --> 00:33:33,932 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 502 00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:37,292 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 503 00:33:37,392 --> 00:33:39,732 41 confirmed kills. 504 00:33:40,270 --> 00:33:41,630 One every seven weeks. 505 00:33:41,730 --> 00:33:43,610 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 506 00:33:44,775 --> 00:33:46,035 It's to wash the taste out. 507 00:33:46,318 --> 00:33:49,471 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 508 00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:53,600 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 509 00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,240 People change. What do you want? 510 00:33:55,619 --> 00:33:58,659 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 511 00:34:00,624 --> 00:34:04,294 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 512 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:09,010 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 513 00:34:12,678 --> 00:34:16,707 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 514 00:34:16,807 --> 00:34:18,375 More Shake Weight-y. 515 00:34:18,475 --> 00:34:21,420 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 516 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,630 We won't just make you better. 517 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,690 We will make you better than better. 518 00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:28,994 A superhero. 519 00:34:29,319 --> 00:34:34,319 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 520 00:34:34,783 --> 00:34:37,413 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 521 00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:42,670 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 522 00:34:47,671 --> 00:34:48,881 His drink's on him. 523 00:34:54,553 --> 00:34:56,303 What did he say? 524 00:35:18,952 --> 00:35:20,542 Hey, what's going on? 525 00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:23,038 Hey. Sorry. 526 00:35:24,499 --> 00:35:26,499 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 527 00:35:27,377 --> 00:35:30,547 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 528 00:35:38,263 --> 00:35:42,483 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 529 00:35:43,477 --> 00:35:46,647 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 530 00:36:01,036 --> 00:36:04,656 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 531 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,920 but what it does to the people you love. 532 00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:10,863 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 533 00:36:10,963 --> 00:36:13,513 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 534 00:36:17,678 --> 00:36:19,928 Isn't that what superheroes do? 535 00:36:32,276 --> 00:36:36,316 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 536 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,143 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 537 00:36:41,243 --> 00:36:42,561 Local dry cleaning discounts. 538 00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:46,648 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 539 00:36:46,748 --> 00:36:49,860 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 540 00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:51,612 You know, I can hear you. 541 00:36:51,712 --> 00:36:54,823 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 542 00:36:54,923 --> 00:36:56,633 Stay right here. 543 00:36:57,009 --> 00:36:59,089 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 544 00:36:59,386 --> 00:37:02,956 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 545 00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:05,209 You will both be coming with us. 546 00:37:05,309 --> 00:37:09,171 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 547 00:37:09,271 --> 00:37:11,111 And you are? 548 00:37:12,733 --> 00:37:14,510 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 549 00:37:14,610 --> 00:37:18,013 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 550 00:37:18,113 --> 00:37:19,863 That's the coolest name ever! 551 00:37:21,408 --> 00:37:23,977 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 552 00:37:24,077 --> 00:37:25,521 No. Trainee. 553 00:37:25,621 --> 00:37:27,022 Let me guess. 554 00:37:27,122 --> 00:37:29,566 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 555 00:37:29,666 --> 00:37:30,734 What does that make you? 556 00:37:30,834 --> 00:37:33,195 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 557 00:37:33,295 --> 00:37:34,555 Can we trade names? 558 00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:36,156 Can we go? 559 00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:38,575 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 560 00:37:38,675 --> 00:37:40,828 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 561 00:37:40,928 --> 00:37:43,080 I'm all about long sullen silences... 562 00:37:43,180 --> 00:37:46,640 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 563 00:37:47,059 --> 00:37:50,379 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 564 00:37:50,479 --> 00:37:53,019 or mean comment? Go on. 565 00:37:54,274 --> 00:37:55,574 You got me in a box here. 566 00:37:56,610 --> 00:37:58,512 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 567 00:37:58,612 --> 00:38:00,013 Please, come quietly. 568 00:38:00,113 --> 00:38:02,349 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 569 00:38:02,449 --> 00:38:03,392 That's not nice. 570 00:38:03,492 --> 00:38:04,992 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 571 00:38:05,327 --> 00:38:09,690 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 572 00:38:09,790 --> 00:38:12,330 He's pure evil. 573 00:38:12,709 --> 00:38:15,999 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 574 00:38:21,301 --> 00:38:23,537 That guy was already up there when I got here. 575 00:38:23,637 --> 00:38:26,749 Wade, you are better than this. 576 00:38:26,849 --> 00:38:30,294 - Join us. Use your powers for good. - Heads up. 577 00:38:30,394 --> 00:38:31,754 Be a superhero. 578 00:38:31,854 --> 00:38:32,713 Listen! 579 00:38:32,813 --> 00:38:35,153 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 580 00:38:35,524 --> 00:38:38,552 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 581 00:38:38,652 --> 00:38:43,474 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 582 00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:45,334 on that day... 583 00:38:45,576 --> 00:38:47,561 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 584 00:38:47,661 --> 00:38:50,105 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 585 00:38:50,205 --> 00:38:52,900 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 586 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,193 - Wade... - Hey. 587 00:38:54,293 --> 00:38:55,444 Zip it, Sinéad! 588 00:38:55,544 --> 00:38:56,612 Hey, douche-pool! 589 00:38:56,712 --> 00:38:57,922 And I hope you're watching... 590 00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:04,426 Quite unfortunate. 591 00:39:07,806 --> 00:39:10,056 That does it! 592 00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:15,808 Canada! 593 00:39:17,107 --> 00:39:18,175 That's not good. 594 00:39:18,275 --> 00:39:19,301 Wade, please. 595 00:39:19,401 --> 00:39:20,401 Cock shot! 596 00:39:22,487 --> 00:39:23,972 Your poor wife. 597 00:39:24,072 --> 00:39:25,872 You really should stop. 598 00:39:29,453 --> 00:39:31,833 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 599 00:39:36,502 --> 00:39:38,654 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 600 00:39:38,754 --> 00:39:39,924 This is embarrassing. 601 00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:42,472 Please, stay down. 602 00:39:43,592 --> 00:39:45,953 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 603 00:39:46,053 --> 00:39:47,454 Do you have off switch? 604 00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,290 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 605 00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:51,270 Enough! 606 00:40:01,026 --> 00:40:02,896 Let us go talk to the Professor. 607 00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:05,139 McAvoy or Stewart? 608 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,449 These timelines are so confusing. 609 00:40:08,784 --> 00:40:11,395 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 610 00:40:11,495 --> 00:40:13,045 You will recover, Wade. 611 00:40:13,330 --> 00:40:14,960 You always do. 612 00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:22,881 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 613 00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:27,745 Oh, my God. 614 00:40:27,845 --> 00:40:28,895 Nasty. 615 00:40:32,015 --> 00:40:34,095 There's the money shot, baby. 616 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,520 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 617 00:40:47,447 --> 00:40:49,867 Rock, meet bottom. 618 00:40:50,367 --> 00:40:53,367 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 619 00:40:53,620 --> 00:40:57,816 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 620 00:40:57,916 --> 00:41:01,111 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 621 00:41:01,211 --> 00:41:04,261 This? Well, this was mine. 622 00:41:04,798 --> 00:41:06,258 Mr. Wilson. 623 00:41:07,634 --> 00:41:12,122 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 624 00:41:12,222 --> 00:41:13,932 You finally hit "fuck it." 625 00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,100 Just promise you'll do right by me. 626 00:41:17,769 --> 00:41:19,713 So I can do right by someone else. 627 00:41:19,813 --> 00:41:20,983 Of course. 628 00:41:21,732 --> 00:41:23,482 And please don't make the super-suit green. 629 00:41:24,776 --> 00:41:26,276 Or animated. 630 00:41:32,784 --> 00:41:35,834 Move it! Keep moving. 631 00:41:46,465 --> 00:41:48,595 This place seems sanitary. 632 00:41:49,343 --> 00:41:51,593 My first request is warmer hands. 633 00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:55,427 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 634 00:41:56,975 --> 00:41:58,845 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 635 00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,016 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 636 00:42:05,317 --> 00:42:06,527 Easy. 637 00:42:08,529 --> 00:42:10,819 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 638 00:42:11,615 --> 00:42:12,995 I'm calling wang. 639 00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:18,120 What's up with the matches? 640 00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:21,122 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 641 00:42:22,668 --> 00:42:23,958 Patience, Angel. 642 00:42:24,878 --> 00:42:26,572 All in good time. 643 00:42:26,672 --> 00:42:28,592 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 644 00:42:30,175 --> 00:42:31,368 We have another talker. 645 00:42:31,468 --> 00:42:33,245 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 646 00:42:33,345 --> 00:42:35,505 Shut the fuck up. 647 00:42:38,851 --> 00:42:40,811 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 648 00:42:41,770 --> 00:42:43,860 I manage this workshop. 649 00:42:44,940 --> 00:42:48,177 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 650 00:42:48,277 --> 00:42:51,847 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 651 00:42:51,947 --> 00:42:54,183 But I've grown blunt. 652 00:42:54,283 --> 00:42:56,852 This workshop is not a government-led program. 653 00:42:56,952 --> 00:43:00,564 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 654 00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:04,004 into men of extraordinary abilities. 655 00:43:05,627 --> 00:43:08,877 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 656 00:43:09,798 --> 00:43:10,628 Wrong. 657 00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:15,390 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 658 00:43:15,637 --> 00:43:19,557 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 659 00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:28,322 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 660 00:43:29,067 --> 00:43:30,487 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 661 00:43:31,653 --> 00:43:34,203 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 662 00:43:34,740 --> 00:43:37,240 The treatment affects everyone differently. 663 00:43:37,576 --> 00:43:40,406 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 664 00:43:40,746 --> 00:43:44,746 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 665 00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:48,210 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 666 00:43:49,922 --> 00:43:53,762 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 667 00:44:02,267 --> 00:44:05,057 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 668 00:44:05,354 --> 00:44:07,114 You have something in your teeth. 669 00:44:08,023 --> 00:44:10,175 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 670 00:44:10,275 --> 00:44:13,185 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 671 00:44:15,197 --> 00:44:17,617 It's been bothering me for a long time. 672 00:44:19,076 --> 00:44:20,116 Made you look. 673 00:44:20,410 --> 00:44:23,814 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 674 00:44:23,914 --> 00:44:24,982 What is it really? 675 00:44:25,082 --> 00:44:27,443 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 676 00:44:27,543 --> 00:44:29,133 Mitch? The Rickster? 677 00:44:29,795 --> 00:44:31,305 Is it Basil Fawlty? 678 00:44:31,630 --> 00:44:33,130 Joke away. 679 00:44:33,590 --> 00:44:36,470 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 680 00:44:36,969 --> 00:44:38,203 We'll see about that. 681 00:44:38,303 --> 00:44:39,643 I suppose we will. 682 00:44:40,973 --> 00:44:42,499 He's all yours. 683 00:44:42,599 --> 00:44:43,809 Come on. 684 00:44:44,309 --> 00:44:47,439 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 685 00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:53,844 This is how it's going to work. 686 00:44:53,944 --> 00:44:56,954 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 687 00:44:57,573 --> 00:45:00,083 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 688 00:45:01,827 --> 00:45:06,657 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 689 00:45:10,961 --> 00:45:13,801 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 690 00:45:15,632 --> 00:45:18,342 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 691 00:45:21,013 --> 00:45:23,353 until you finally mutate. 692 00:45:24,975 --> 00:45:26,185 Or die. 693 00:45:33,025 --> 00:45:34,593 You mean like a bucket list? 694 00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:36,929 Like a fuck-it list. 695 00:45:37,029 --> 00:45:39,699 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 696 00:45:40,282 --> 00:45:42,101 Pass it to me right after. 697 00:45:42,201 --> 00:45:48,161 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 698 00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:52,338 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 699 00:45:52,836 --> 00:45:55,706 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 700 00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:59,126 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 701 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:07,225 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 702 00:46:10,646 --> 00:46:12,686 Vanessa. 703 00:46:16,193 --> 00:46:18,512 I wanna see Vanessa. 704 00:46:18,612 --> 00:46:19,972 You're lovely. 705 00:46:20,072 --> 00:46:23,434 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 706 00:46:23,534 --> 00:46:24,601 We were just joking. 707 00:46:24,701 --> 00:46:27,001 No, no. It's okay. 708 00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,750 I encourage distractions. 709 00:46:30,499 --> 00:46:32,818 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 710 00:46:32,918 --> 00:46:34,748 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 711 00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:38,031 How tough can he be... 712 00:46:38,131 --> 00:46:41,051 with a name like Francis? 713 00:46:41,635 --> 00:46:42,765 Francis? 714 00:46:43,053 --> 00:46:44,473 That's his legal name. 715 00:46:45,097 --> 00:46:48,557 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 716 00:46:50,602 --> 00:46:54,192 F-R-A-N-C-I... 717 00:46:54,690 --> 00:46:56,020 Oops! 718 00:46:57,818 --> 00:47:00,698 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 719 00:47:02,614 --> 00:47:04,975 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 720 00:47:05,075 --> 00:47:06,435 You are so relentlessly annoying. 721 00:47:06,535 --> 00:47:07,519 Thanks. 722 00:47:07,619 --> 00:47:08,812 Never heard that before. 723 00:47:08,912 --> 00:47:12,107 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 724 00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:14,207 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 725 00:47:16,003 --> 00:47:17,696 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 726 00:47:17,796 --> 00:47:20,991 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 727 00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:24,051 is that you can't really step it up from there. 728 00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,020 Is that what you think? 729 00:47:34,313 --> 00:47:36,823 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 730 00:47:37,649 --> 00:47:38,939 nothing will. 731 00:47:39,359 --> 00:47:42,304 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 732 00:47:42,404 --> 00:47:45,034 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 733 00:47:45,324 --> 00:47:48,494 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 734 00:47:49,161 --> 00:47:50,291 then we'll turn up the O2. 735 00:47:51,330 --> 00:47:52,689 If your heart rate slows... 736 00:47:52,789 --> 00:47:55,442 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 737 00:47:55,542 --> 00:47:56,922 we'll turn it back down. 738 00:47:57,544 --> 00:48:01,214 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 739 00:48:01,590 --> 00:48:03,826 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 740 00:48:03,926 --> 00:48:06,336 You know the funniest part of this? 741 00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:09,465 You still think we're making you a superhero. 742 00:48:10,307 --> 00:48:13,767 You. A dishonorable discharge. 743 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:16,560 Hip-deep in hookers. 744 00:48:17,272 --> 00:48:18,902 You're nothing. 745 00:48:19,858 --> 00:48:21,318 Little secret, Wade. 746 00:48:22,152 --> 00:48:26,242 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 747 00:48:27,324 --> 00:48:31,084 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 748 00:48:31,870 --> 00:48:33,250 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 749 00:48:34,081 --> 00:48:37,541 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 750 00:48:39,711 --> 00:48:42,551 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 751 00:48:43,048 --> 00:48:45,508 What the fuck is wrong with you? 752 00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:53,542 You're never going home after this. 753 00:48:53,642 --> 00:48:55,852 Now there's a brave face. 754 00:48:56,895 --> 00:48:58,435 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 755 00:49:00,774 --> 00:49:04,694 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 756 00:49:06,613 --> 00:49:07,993 Enjoy your weekend. 757 00:49:08,365 --> 00:49:10,017 "Weekend"? Back up. 758 00:49:10,117 --> 00:49:11,327 Weekend? 759 00:49:53,035 --> 00:49:55,062 Did I say this was a love story? 760 00:49:55,162 --> 00:49:57,622 No, it's a horror movie. 761 00:50:14,097 --> 00:50:16,208 Fucking hell. 762 00:50:16,308 --> 00:50:19,503 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 763 00:50:19,603 --> 00:50:21,630 What have you done to me? 764 00:50:21,730 --> 00:50:25,050 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 765 00:50:25,150 --> 00:50:27,280 You sadistic fuck! 766 00:50:27,986 --> 00:50:29,486 I've cured you, Wade. 767 00:50:30,322 --> 00:50:31,952 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 768 00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:35,835 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 769 00:50:37,079 --> 00:50:39,659 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 770 00:50:40,958 --> 00:50:41,998 I could cure them... 771 00:50:45,587 --> 00:50:47,257 but where's the fun in that? 772 00:50:49,591 --> 00:50:52,141 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 773 00:50:53,929 --> 00:50:55,889 Not because I need to. 774 00:50:59,852 --> 00:51:01,562 Because I want to. 775 00:51:16,034 --> 00:51:17,186 Oh, well. 776 00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:18,496 Go ahead. 777 00:51:21,707 --> 00:51:23,537 You smell like shit. 778 00:51:26,837 --> 00:51:27,877 Motherfucker. 779 00:51:28,797 --> 00:51:30,717 It's all right, it's all right. 780 00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:33,550 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 781 00:51:33,802 --> 00:51:36,182 You take off. Go on. 782 00:51:36,972 --> 00:51:38,312 Off you go. 783 00:51:49,318 --> 00:51:50,898 Quick question. 784 00:51:53,197 --> 00:51:55,237 What's my name? 785 00:52:00,996 --> 00:52:02,326 Didn't think so. 786 00:52:04,208 --> 00:52:06,918 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 787 00:54:03,368 --> 00:54:04,770 You don't want to kill me. 788 00:54:04,870 --> 00:54:07,120 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 789 00:55:03,846 --> 00:55:05,426 What's my name? 790 00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,773 Wade. 791 00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:23,170 I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer... 792 00:56:24,676 --> 00:56:27,346 I got the cure to el everything. 793 00:56:31,016 --> 00:56:33,210 But there was only one thing... 794 00:56:33,310 --> 00:56:34,940 that really mattered. 795 00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:05,433 Come on, let's go. 796 00:57:10,764 --> 00:57:13,524 Oh, that must hurt. 797 00:57:14,518 --> 00:57:15,978 Thank you so much. 798 00:57:27,906 --> 00:57:30,100 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 799 00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:31,560 Look at his face. 800 00:57:31,660 --> 00:57:33,979 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 801 00:57:34,079 --> 00:57:35,147 Honey, don't stare. 802 00:57:35,247 --> 00:57:36,407 Freak. 803 00:57:56,768 --> 00:58:00,108 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 804 00:58:00,397 --> 00:58:02,883 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 805 00:58:02,983 --> 00:58:04,259 Bullshit! 806 00:58:04,359 --> 00:58:07,554 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 807 00:58:07,654 --> 00:58:10,204 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 808 00:58:11,992 --> 00:58:12,952 Do you like what you see? 809 00:58:13,202 --> 00:58:14,372 No. 810 00:58:14,870 --> 00:58:18,830 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 811 00:58:19,249 --> 00:58:19,983 Yeah. 812 00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:22,111 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 813 00:58:22,211 --> 00:58:24,071 There was something wrong with the relationship... 814 00:58:24,171 --> 00:58:27,741 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 815 00:58:27,841 --> 00:58:30,369 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 816 00:58:30,469 --> 00:58:33,122 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 817 00:58:33,222 --> 00:58:35,082 And he's gone. Poof! 818 00:58:35,182 --> 00:58:36,834 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 819 00:58:36,934 --> 00:58:39,920 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 820 00:58:40,020 --> 00:58:41,213 Damn straight. 821 00:58:41,313 --> 00:58:43,132 - Find Francis. - Star in horror films. 822 00:58:43,232 --> 00:58:44,133 What? 823 00:58:44,233 --> 00:58:46,385 Star in your own horror films. 824 00:58:46,485 --> 00:58:50,325 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 825 00:58:51,156 --> 00:58:52,850 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 826 00:58:52,950 --> 00:58:55,561 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 827 00:58:55,661 --> 00:58:57,980 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 828 00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,690 and fuck the brain hole. 829 00:58:59,790 --> 00:59:02,860 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 830 00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,112 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 831 00:59:05,212 --> 00:59:05,863 Yeah. 832 00:59:05,963 --> 00:59:07,781 That's good. You should keep it that way. 833 00:59:07,881 --> 00:59:09,491 What, like, wear a mask? 834 00:59:09,591 --> 00:59:12,551 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 835 00:59:13,303 --> 00:59:14,246 I am sorry... 836 00:59:14,346 --> 00:59:16,915 you are haunting. 837 00:59:17,015 --> 00:59:18,876 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 838 00:59:18,976 --> 00:59:20,294 Like a testicle with teeth. 839 00:59:20,394 --> 00:59:22,087 You will die alone. 840 00:59:22,187 --> 00:59:23,807 I mean, if you could die. 841 00:59:24,439 --> 00:59:26,341 Ideally, for others' sake. 842 00:59:26,441 --> 00:59:27,691 That'll do. 843 00:59:27,985 --> 00:59:29,720 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 844 00:59:29,820 --> 00:59:31,700 like Wade the Wisecracker... 845 00:59:32,114 --> 00:59:35,244 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 846 00:59:36,118 --> 00:59:37,118 Shit. 847 00:59:37,703 --> 00:59:38,793 What? 848 00:59:39,621 --> 00:59:41,565 I put all my money on you and now... 849 00:59:41,665 --> 00:59:43,192 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 850 00:59:43,292 --> 00:59:44,172 Dead pool. 851 00:59:48,172 --> 00:59:50,472 Captain Deadpool. 852 00:59:52,342 --> 00:59:53,410 No, just... 853 00:59:53,510 --> 00:59:55,204 - Just Deadpool, yeah. - Just Deadpool. 854 00:59:55,304 --> 00:59:57,264 To you, Mr. Pool. 855 00:59:57,556 --> 01:00:00,056 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 856 01:00:14,656 --> 01:00:16,736 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 857 01:00:17,826 --> 01:00:18,826 Where's Francis? 858 01:00:33,091 --> 01:00:34,761 Where's Francis? 859 01:00:42,935 --> 01:00:44,855 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 860 01:00:46,188 --> 01:00:49,108 Or wear red. Dumbass. 861 01:01:07,835 --> 01:01:09,295 Don't make me ask twice. 862 01:01:10,671 --> 01:01:11,989 Where... 863 01:01:12,089 --> 01:01:14,219 is Francis? 864 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:16,452 He made me ask twice. 865 01:01:16,552 --> 01:01:18,552 Is the mask muffling my voice? 866 01:01:23,350 --> 01:01:24,810 Where's Francis? 867 01:01:27,437 --> 01:01:29,267 Where the fuck is Francis? 868 01:01:37,948 --> 01:01:41,268 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 869 01:01:41,368 --> 01:01:42,578 Where's Francis? 870 01:01:43,996 --> 01:01:45,116 No! Please! 871 01:01:45,747 --> 01:01:49,207 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 872 01:01:49,751 --> 01:01:52,381 You little spider monkey! 873 01:01:55,465 --> 01:01:58,925 Where... is... Francis? 874 01:02:00,095 --> 01:02:01,288 This is confusing. 875 01:02:01,388 --> 01:02:04,291 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 876 01:02:04,391 --> 01:02:06,691 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 877 01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:08,980 Where is Francis? 878 01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:13,824 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 879 01:02:14,443 --> 01:02:16,073 In five minutes! 880 01:02:26,205 --> 01:02:27,965 Don't hesitate to call me. 881 01:02:43,597 --> 01:02:45,767 Nice to see you, Jared. 882 01:02:46,934 --> 01:02:49,734 I'll take the footlong... fully loaded. 883 01:03:05,327 --> 01:03:06,895 41 confirmed kills. 884 01:03:06,995 --> 01:03:09,405 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 885 01:03:10,165 --> 01:03:11,455 Mr. Wilson? 886 01:03:13,252 --> 01:03:15,422 You're looking very alive. 887 01:03:16,255 --> 01:03:17,305 Only on the outside. 888 01:03:17,965 --> 01:03:20,826 - This is not going to end well for me, is it? - This is not gonna end well for you, no. 889 01:03:20,926 --> 01:03:22,035 Where's your boss? 890 01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:23,755 I can tell you exactly... 891 01:03:25,472 --> 01:03:27,352 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 892 01:03:27,933 --> 01:03:30,169 You might wanna look away for this. 893 01:03:30,269 --> 01:03:31,519 Now this little piggy went to... 894 01:03:33,647 --> 01:03:35,937 Thank you, Agent Smith. 895 01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,278 Taxi! 896 01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:44,280 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 897 01:03:46,285 --> 01:03:47,665 And we all know how this turned out. 898 01:03:50,622 --> 01:03:52,832 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 899 01:04:00,799 --> 01:04:02,629 There. All caught up. 900 01:04:10,559 --> 01:04:12,479 We're here. 901 01:04:13,395 --> 01:04:16,475 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 902 01:04:22,738 --> 01:04:24,818 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 903 01:04:26,992 --> 01:04:29,478 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 904 01:04:29,578 --> 01:04:34,668 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 905 01:04:35,334 --> 01:04:39,844 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 906 01:04:40,672 --> 01:04:44,932 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 907 01:04:45,344 --> 01:04:46,894 God, I miss cocaine. 908 01:04:47,513 --> 01:04:48,223 Her. 909 01:04:49,348 --> 01:04:51,928 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 910 01:04:52,184 --> 01:04:54,734 That's like 16 walls. 911 01:04:55,270 --> 01:05:00,634 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 912 01:05:00,734 --> 01:05:02,404 And I think she's in love with me. 913 01:05:02,861 --> 01:05:06,241 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 914 01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:17,250 Al? 915 01:05:19,670 --> 01:05:20,920 Morning, sleepyhead. 916 01:05:22,548 --> 01:05:24,658 It smells like old lady pants in here. 917 01:05:24,758 --> 01:05:26,660 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 918 01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:28,350 But you're no lady. 919 01:05:29,513 --> 01:05:31,183 So comfy. 920 01:05:31,932 --> 01:05:34,918 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 921 01:05:35,018 --> 01:05:36,462 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 922 01:05:36,562 --> 01:05:37,522 Yes, I know. 923 01:05:38,063 --> 01:05:40,674 Downside of being blind... 924 01:05:40,774 --> 01:05:42,944 I hear everything in this duplex. 925 01:05:45,279 --> 01:05:46,472 Sit on a stick. 926 01:05:46,572 --> 01:05:47,514 Bactin? 927 01:05:47,614 --> 01:05:51,704 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 928 01:05:52,911 --> 01:05:56,690 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 929 01:05:56,790 --> 01:05:59,693 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 930 01:05:59,793 --> 01:06:01,673 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 931 01:06:02,337 --> 01:06:04,907 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 932 01:06:05,007 --> 01:06:08,507 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 933 01:06:09,636 --> 01:06:11,926 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 934 01:06:12,264 --> 01:06:13,082 Screw, please. 935 01:06:13,182 --> 01:06:14,500 Here? Now? Just kidding. 936 01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:15,751 I know it's been decades. 937 01:06:15,851 --> 01:06:16,981 You'd be surprised. 938 01:06:17,686 --> 01:06:18,766 Pretty grossed out. 939 01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,192 Ta... Da. 940 01:06:28,989 --> 01:06:32,119 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 941 01:06:32,534 --> 01:06:35,104 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 942 01:06:35,204 --> 01:06:36,271 "Must be good with hands." 943 01:06:36,371 --> 01:06:38,565 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 944 01:06:38,665 --> 01:06:40,535 Why such a douche this morning? 945 01:06:41,293 --> 01:06:42,361 Let's recap. 946 01:06:42,461 --> 01:06:44,738 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 947 01:06:44,838 --> 01:06:46,458 slipped through my arms today... 948 01:06:48,133 --> 01:06:49,343 Arm. 949 01:06:49,801 --> 01:06:52,871 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 950 01:06:52,971 --> 01:06:55,207 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 951 01:06:55,307 --> 01:06:59,057 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 952 01:07:00,979 --> 01:07:02,519 # driveby. 953 01:07:19,998 --> 01:07:21,998 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 954 01:07:24,336 --> 01:07:26,206 Fucking Wade Wilson. 955 01:07:27,172 --> 01:07:29,512 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 956 01:07:30,175 --> 01:07:31,715 I only wish I healed the same. 957 01:07:35,681 --> 01:07:38,417 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 958 01:07:38,517 --> 01:07:39,767 On our terms. 959 01:07:40,185 --> 01:07:41,935 Right. And when he heals? 960 01:07:42,938 --> 01:07:44,006 He can't. 961 01:07:44,106 --> 01:07:46,633 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 962 01:07:46,733 --> 01:07:50,703 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 963 01:07:52,114 --> 01:07:53,534 I like a challenge. 964 01:07:54,867 --> 01:07:56,977 But he's bad for business. 965 01:07:57,077 --> 01:07:58,787 Now let's go find him. 966 01:08:03,250 --> 01:08:04,610 Tylenol PM? 967 01:08:04,710 --> 01:08:07,210 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 968 01:08:07,629 --> 01:08:09,990 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 969 01:08:10,090 --> 01:08:14,050 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 970 01:08:16,889 --> 01:08:18,969 But I appreciate the gesture. 971 01:08:19,892 --> 01:08:24,296 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 972 01:08:24,396 --> 01:08:26,146 About the size of a KFC spork. 973 01:08:28,317 --> 01:08:30,469 I get why you're so pissy... 974 01:08:30,569 --> 01:08:33,514 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 975 01:08:33,614 --> 01:08:34,973 and tell her how you feel. 976 01:08:35,073 --> 01:08:38,393 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 977 01:08:38,493 --> 01:08:40,145 If you could see me, you'd understand. 978 01:08:40,245 --> 01:08:41,313 Looks aren't everything. 979 01:08:41,413 --> 01:08:42,481 Looks are everything. 980 01:08:42,581 --> 01:08:44,650 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 981 01:08:44,750 --> 01:08:46,750 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 982 01:08:47,169 --> 01:08:50,364 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 983 01:08:50,464 --> 01:08:51,824 Love is blind, Wade. 984 01:08:51,924 --> 01:08:52,594 No. 985 01:08:53,926 --> 01:08:55,176 You're blind. 986 01:08:55,844 --> 01:08:58,705 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 987 01:08:58,805 --> 01:09:00,833 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 988 01:09:00,933 --> 01:09:02,933 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 989 01:09:03,852 --> 01:09:06,522 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 990 01:09:07,189 --> 01:09:09,609 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 991 01:09:10,943 --> 01:09:13,653 Go, go, go. 992 01:09:14,196 --> 01:09:17,099 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 993 01:09:17,199 --> 01:09:18,725 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 994 01:09:18,825 --> 01:09:20,686 The doctor says, "Five." 995 01:09:20,786 --> 01:09:22,354 The guy says, "Five what?" 996 01:09:22,454 --> 01:09:26,334 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 997 01:09:33,507 --> 01:09:35,047 Can I help you ladies? 998 01:09:37,636 --> 01:09:38,796 I do hope so. 999 01:09:43,016 --> 01:09:47,146 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1000 01:09:47,688 --> 01:09:48,688 Name of Wade Wilson. 1001 01:09:50,232 --> 01:09:51,300 Sorry. 1002 01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:52,980 I don't know the name. 1003 01:10:00,325 --> 01:10:02,655 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1004 01:10:06,373 --> 01:10:08,233 I've seen this girl. 1005 01:10:08,333 --> 01:10:10,843 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1006 01:10:15,591 --> 01:10:17,341 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1007 01:10:17,926 --> 01:10:20,506 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1008 01:10:21,930 --> 01:10:23,624 Easy, Angel. 1009 01:10:23,724 --> 01:10:25,104 Put the little man down. 1010 01:10:26,685 --> 01:10:28,435 We have everything we need now. 1011 01:10:28,854 --> 01:10:29,904 You sure? 1012 01:10:30,606 --> 01:10:33,634 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1013 01:10:33,734 --> 01:10:36,404 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1014 01:10:40,073 --> 01:10:41,783 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1015 01:10:46,788 --> 01:10:51,078 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1016 01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:53,630 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1017 01:10:54,129 --> 01:10:56,949 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1018 01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:59,118 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1019 01:10:59,218 --> 01:11:00,953 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1020 01:11:01,053 --> 01:11:02,053 Fuck me! 1021 01:11:02,387 --> 01:11:04,307 Maybe not start with that. 1022 01:11:10,229 --> 01:11:13,465 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1023 01:11:13,565 --> 01:11:15,725 give it up for Chastity! 1024 01:11:19,571 --> 01:11:21,849 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1025 01:11:21,949 --> 01:11:24,017 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1026 01:11:24,117 --> 01:11:25,561 How do you know she's in here? 1027 01:11:25,661 --> 01:11:28,791 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1028 01:11:53,772 --> 01:11:57,282 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1029 01:11:58,110 --> 01:12:00,280 Especially from this angle. 1030 01:12:23,802 --> 01:12:27,812 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1031 01:12:30,851 --> 01:12:33,521 You weak motherfucker! 1032 01:12:34,313 --> 01:12:35,313 Come on! 1033 01:12:36,523 --> 01:12:39,823 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1034 01:12:43,989 --> 01:12:45,319 Here we go. 1035 01:12:47,910 --> 01:12:49,490 Maximum effort. 1036 01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:54,170 Vanessa. 1037 01:12:56,668 --> 01:13:00,838 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1038 01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:29,280 I knew it was you. 1039 01:13:31,119 --> 01:13:33,039 The weird, curvy edges. 1040 01:13:34,623 --> 01:13:36,463 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1041 01:13:46,552 --> 01:13:48,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1042 01:13:57,396 --> 01:13:58,936 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1043 01:13:59,898 --> 01:14:02,438 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1044 01:14:30,470 --> 01:14:32,164 Motherfucker! 1045 01:14:32,264 --> 01:14:34,541 - Wait, wait. Let's... Just... - Cock juggling... 1046 01:14:34,641 --> 01:14:36,502 - We can talk about what we're gonna... - Jiminy! Fuck face! 1047 01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:37,836 Okay, or you can hit that. 1048 01:14:37,936 --> 01:14:39,713 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fuck! Fuck! 1049 01:14:39,813 --> 01:14:42,483 - No, no. All right. Hey! - Fuck! Fuck! 1050 01:14:42,941 --> 01:14:43,981 - Fuck! - Hey. 1051 01:14:45,027 --> 01:14:47,054 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1052 01:14:47,154 --> 01:14:48,430 Okay. I think that’s a good start. 1053 01:14:48,530 --> 01:14:50,557 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1054 01:14:50,657 --> 01:14:51,600 Wait. 1055 01:14:51,700 --> 01:14:53,143 - Find it! Find it. - What? 1056 01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:54,663 - I'm gonna get angry. - Okay. All right. 1057 01:14:55,078 --> 01:14:56,814 All right. Okay. All right. 1058 01:14:56,914 --> 01:14:58,190 Here. This is Vanessa. 1059 01:14:58,290 --> 01:15:00,275 - What? - No, wait. It's Francis. 1060 01:15:00,375 --> 01:15:01,995 He wants you to come to him. 1061 01:15:02,294 --> 01:15:04,464 - What is that? - That's the shit emoji. 1062 01:15:04,838 --> 01:15:06,907 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1063 01:15:07,007 --> 01:15:09,337 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1064 01:15:10,052 --> 01:15:11,203 I need guns. 1065 01:15:11,303 --> 01:15:12,413 Okay, which ones? 1066 01:15:12,513 --> 01:15:13,580 I need all the guns! 1067 01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:14,890 All right. Okay. 1068 01:15:35,577 --> 01:15:37,037 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1069 01:15:37,996 --> 01:15:40,036 We all know what I can do with 12. 1070 01:15:40,457 --> 01:15:42,609 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1071 01:15:42,709 --> 01:15:43,789 We're downrange. 1072 01:15:45,254 --> 01:15:48,804 I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest. 1073 01:15:49,967 --> 01:15:52,745 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje. 1074 01:15:52,845 --> 01:15:54,788 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1075 01:15:54,888 --> 01:15:57,624 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1076 01:15:57,724 --> 01:15:59,484 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1077 01:15:59,852 --> 01:16:01,352 Up, up, up. 1078 01:16:02,771 --> 01:16:03,839 Down, down, down. 1079 01:16:03,939 --> 01:16:04,649 Fuck you. 1080 01:16:06,775 --> 01:16:09,485 .45 cal. I like it. 1081 01:16:11,655 --> 01:16:12,915 Wade... 1082 01:16:14,116 --> 01:16:16,826 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1083 01:16:21,373 --> 01:16:22,543 Listen, Al... 1084 01:16:23,625 --> 01:16:28,795 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1085 01:16:29,715 --> 01:16:34,787 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1086 01:16:34,887 --> 01:16:37,677 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1087 01:16:43,187 --> 01:16:44,477 You wanna get fucked up? 1088 01:16:54,573 --> 01:16:56,073 Put her down over here. 1089 01:17:06,293 --> 01:17:07,503 Go on then. 1090 01:17:09,922 --> 01:17:12,512 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1091 01:17:12,966 --> 01:17:16,245 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1092 01:17:16,345 --> 01:17:19,540 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1093 01:17:19,640 --> 01:17:21,125 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1094 01:17:21,225 --> 01:17:24,837 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1095 01:17:24,937 --> 01:17:26,213 Like a cockroach... 1096 01:17:26,313 --> 01:17:27,613 but uglier. 1097 01:17:28,649 --> 01:17:32,109 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1098 01:17:33,195 --> 01:17:35,075 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1099 01:17:43,997 --> 01:17:45,497 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1100 01:17:46,124 --> 01:17:47,964 Fuck, you're old. 1101 01:17:49,628 --> 01:17:52,030 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1102 01:17:52,130 --> 01:17:53,449 Go get Silver Balls. 1103 01:17:53,549 --> 01:17:55,743 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1104 01:17:55,843 --> 01:17:58,353 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1105 01:17:58,804 --> 01:18:02,144 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1106 01:18:02,724 --> 01:18:04,585 He's got my girl. 1107 01:18:04,685 --> 01:18:06,065 You're gonna help me get her back. 1108 01:18:06,478 --> 01:18:08,255 Wade? Is that you? 1109 01:18:08,355 --> 01:18:12,775 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1110 01:18:15,487 --> 01:18:16,597 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1111 01:18:16,697 --> 01:18:18,724 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1112 01:18:18,824 --> 01:18:22,124 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1113 01:18:25,664 --> 01:18:27,065 And that is why, in my opinion... 1114 01:18:27,165 --> 01:18:30,375 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1115 01:18:30,878 --> 01:18:32,613 Who brought this twinkly man? 1116 01:18:32,713 --> 01:18:34,740 Twinkly, but deadly. 1117 01:18:34,840 --> 01:18:38,890 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1118 01:18:39,469 --> 01:18:43,415 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1119 01:18:43,515 --> 01:18:44,750 It's not boy band. 1120 01:18:44,850 --> 01:18:45,890 Sure it's not. 1121 01:18:47,227 --> 01:18:48,897 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1122 01:18:49,688 --> 01:18:52,091 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1123 01:18:52,191 --> 01:18:55,821 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1124 01:18:56,486 --> 01:18:58,196 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1125 01:19:04,077 --> 01:19:05,077 Dopinder? 1126 01:19:07,039 --> 01:19:08,039 What was that? 1127 01:19:10,083 --> 01:19:15,713 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1128 01:19:16,381 --> 01:19:17,616 Ban who? 1129 01:19:17,716 --> 01:19:20,452 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1130 01:19:20,552 --> 01:19:22,162 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1131 01:19:22,262 --> 01:19:26,062 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1132 01:19:27,392 --> 01:19:29,002 I did not tell him to do that. 1133 01:19:29,102 --> 01:19:31,755 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1134 01:19:31,855 --> 01:19:35,008 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1135 01:19:35,108 --> 01:19:36,176 I'm so proud of you. 1136 01:19:36,276 --> 01:19:38,512 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1137 01:19:38,612 --> 01:19:39,471 Kill him. 1138 01:19:39,571 --> 01:19:41,640 And then, win Gita back... 1139 01:19:41,740 --> 01:19:44,476 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1140 01:19:44,576 --> 01:19:45,906 Kidnap her. 1141 01:19:47,454 --> 01:19:48,624 He's super dead. 1142 01:19:54,086 --> 01:19:55,654 I presume a crisp high five? 1143 01:19:55,754 --> 01:19:57,094 For you? 10. 1144 01:19:58,590 --> 01:20:01,326 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1145 01:20:01,426 --> 01:20:03,296 You know what to do. 1146 01:20:04,263 --> 01:20:06,893 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1147 01:20:08,100 --> 01:20:10,100 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1148 01:20:11,603 --> 01:20:13,172 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1149 01:20:13,272 --> 01:20:16,175 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1150 01:20:16,275 --> 01:20:20,387 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1151 01:20:20,487 --> 01:20:24,657 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1152 01:20:37,629 --> 01:20:38,906 Hey. 1153 01:20:39,006 --> 01:20:40,296 Where's your duffle bag? 1154 01:20:59,151 --> 01:21:00,571 Bandhu? 1155 01:21:02,112 --> 01:21:04,181 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1156 01:21:04,281 --> 01:21:05,557 God damn it! 1157 01:21:05,657 --> 01:21:10,829 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way with two swords and maximum effort. 1158 01:21:11,830 --> 01:21:12,830 Cue the music. 1159 01:21:29,014 --> 01:21:31,474 Wade Wilson! 1160 01:21:32,017 --> 01:21:33,637 What's my name? 1161 01:21:34,269 --> 01:21:35,849 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1162 01:21:38,190 --> 01:21:39,216 Go get some. 1163 01:21:39,316 --> 01:21:40,426 Superhero landing. 1164 01:21:40,526 --> 01:21:42,526 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1165 01:21:47,157 --> 01:21:48,317 Superhero landing! 1166 01:21:48,867 --> 01:21:49,947 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1167 01:21:50,285 --> 01:21:51,695 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1168 01:21:52,204 --> 01:21:55,441 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1169 01:21:55,541 --> 01:21:56,692 That's why I brought him. 1170 01:21:56,792 --> 01:22:00,002 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1171 01:22:07,219 --> 01:22:10,309 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1172 01:22:11,849 --> 01:22:13,959 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1173 01:22:14,059 --> 01:22:15,586 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1174 01:22:15,686 --> 01:22:17,016 There you go. Hashtag it. 1175 01:22:18,397 --> 01:22:20,227 Go get her, tiger. 1176 01:22:26,905 --> 01:22:30,655 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1177 01:22:31,368 --> 01:22:32,908 All right, then. Fire! 1178 01:22:44,673 --> 01:22:46,241 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1179 01:22:46,341 --> 01:22:47,326 Language, please. 1180 01:22:47,426 --> 01:22:48,586 Suck a cock. 1181 01:23:14,620 --> 01:23:16,290 Look away, child. 1182 01:23:17,039 --> 01:23:18,369 Look away! 1183 01:23:25,714 --> 01:23:26,990 Wait! 1184 01:23:27,090 --> 01:23:28,200 Wait! 1185 01:23:28,300 --> 01:23:29,243 Cease fire! 1186 01:23:29,343 --> 01:23:30,619 Cease fire! 1187 01:23:30,719 --> 01:23:32,179 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1188 01:23:33,555 --> 01:23:37,209 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1189 01:23:37,309 --> 01:23:41,296 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1190 01:23:41,396 --> 01:23:44,341 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1191 01:23:44,441 --> 01:23:47,901 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1192 01:23:49,947 --> 01:23:51,181 Fine. 1193 01:23:51,281 --> 01:23:52,201 Commando! 1194 01:25:04,396 --> 01:25:05,306 Teabag! 1195 01:25:09,902 --> 01:25:10,862 Bob? 1196 01:25:11,945 --> 01:25:12,846 Wade? 1197 01:25:12,946 --> 01:25:14,181 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1198 01:25:14,281 --> 01:25:16,571 - Jacksonville. Fridays. - Since TGI Fridays. 1199 01:25:17,367 --> 01:25:19,077 Well, what the hell! 1200 01:25:19,661 --> 01:25:21,161 God, come here, you. 1201 01:25:23,332 --> 01:25:25,292 How are the kids? Good? 1202 01:25:25,834 --> 01:25:27,694 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1203 01:25:27,794 --> 01:25:30,594 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1204 01:25:37,304 --> 01:25:40,582 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1205 01:25:40,682 --> 01:25:41,732 That is so sweet. 1206 01:25:43,185 --> 01:25:44,105 Thanks. 1207 01:25:56,365 --> 01:25:59,955 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1208 01:26:00,327 --> 01:26:01,697 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1209 01:26:03,330 --> 01:26:04,120 Fire! 1210 01:26:11,713 --> 01:26:13,173 Hey! 1211 01:26:13,507 --> 01:26:14,467 Climb on! 1212 01:26:51,503 --> 01:26:53,053 Motherfucking... 1213 01:27:04,433 --> 01:27:06,893 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1214 01:27:09,688 --> 01:27:10,858 You were right, beautiful. 1215 01:27:11,732 --> 01:27:13,442 Red really is my color. 1216 01:27:14,359 --> 01:27:15,260 Wade? 1217 01:27:15,360 --> 01:27:16,240 Don't worry, baby... 1218 01:27:16,695 --> 01:27:18,695 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1219 01:27:19,198 --> 01:27:21,350 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1220 01:27:21,450 --> 01:27:23,310 Oh, you never left. 1221 01:27:23,410 --> 01:27:25,479 But you did, asshole! 1222 01:27:25,579 --> 01:27:27,039 Deep breath, darling. 1223 01:27:28,582 --> 01:27:29,712 Oh, wait. 1224 01:27:30,834 --> 01:27:32,384 Wrong choice of words. 1225 01:27:34,588 --> 01:27:37,408 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1226 01:27:37,508 --> 01:27:38,588 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1227 01:27:40,010 --> 01:27:42,050 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1228 01:27:42,554 --> 01:27:45,457 When I'm finished... parts will have to grow back you. 1229 01:27:45,557 --> 01:27:46,677 Good one. 1230 01:27:47,601 --> 01:27:49,461 Yep, that was a good one. 1231 01:27:49,561 --> 01:27:50,521 Let's dance. 1232 01:27:51,897 --> 01:27:54,270 And by dance, I mean... let's try to kill each other. 1233 01:28:48,954 --> 01:28:51,164 Fine. Fists. 1234 01:28:51,456 --> 01:28:53,286 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1235 01:30:15,207 --> 01:30:17,287 Asshole! 1236 01:31:13,640 --> 01:31:14,640 Hang in there, baby! 1237 01:31:15,142 --> 01:31:17,102 - Wade! - I gotcha! 1238 01:31:20,522 --> 01:31:22,482 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1239 01:31:33,118 --> 01:31:34,238 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1240 01:31:40,209 --> 01:31:42,709 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1241 01:31:58,727 --> 01:31:59,807 Damn it! 1242 01:32:00,729 --> 01:32:03,609 Maximum effort! 1243 01:32:45,941 --> 01:32:46,941 Thanks. 1244 01:32:51,864 --> 01:32:53,534 Just take it slow. 1245 01:33:03,959 --> 01:33:06,589 Oh, my God! That was so... 1246 01:33:37,618 --> 01:33:39,198 There are no words! 1247 01:33:40,245 --> 01:33:43,865 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1248 01:33:44,625 --> 01:33:45,635 What? 1249 01:33:48,170 --> 01:33:50,880 You stupid fucking idiot. 1250 01:33:51,423 --> 01:33:55,973 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1251 01:33:57,888 --> 01:33:58,808 What? 1252 01:33:59,264 --> 01:34:00,354 You heard me. 1253 01:34:02,142 --> 01:34:03,252 No. 1254 01:34:03,352 --> 01:34:04,602 No! 1255 01:34:11,777 --> 01:34:14,777 So, you mean to say... 1256 01:34:15,572 --> 01:34:19,832 after all this, you can't fix me? 1257 01:34:20,410 --> 01:34:22,479 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1258 01:34:22,579 --> 01:34:27,669 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1259 01:34:31,505 --> 01:34:33,345 Any last words? 1260 01:34:35,217 --> 01:34:36,297 What's my name? 1261 01:34:37,427 --> 01:34:38,662 Who fucking cares? 1262 01:34:38,762 --> 01:34:39,552 Wade! 1263 01:34:41,181 --> 01:34:43,561 Four or five moments. 1264 01:34:44,142 --> 01:34:45,085 I'm sorry? 1265 01:34:45,185 --> 01:34:47,555 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1266 01:34:48,272 --> 01:34:49,152 To? 1267 01:34:50,315 --> 01:34:51,645 Be a hero. 1268 01:34:53,652 --> 01:34:56,346 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1269 01:34:56,446 --> 01:35:00,026 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1270 01:35:00,826 --> 01:35:02,561 Not true. 1271 01:35:02,661 --> 01:35:07,831 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1272 01:35:08,208 --> 01:35:10,652 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1273 01:35:10,752 --> 01:35:14,922 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1274 01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:18,336 spare an enemy. 1275 01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:20,140 In these moments... 1276 01:35:20,929 --> 01:35:23,809 everything else falls away. 1277 01:35:24,516 --> 01:35:27,056 The way the world sees us. 1278 01:35:27,436 --> 01:35:28,436 The way we... 1279 01:35:32,691 --> 01:35:33,691 Why? 1280 01:35:34,943 --> 01:35:36,929 You were droning on. 1281 01:35:37,029 --> 01:35:40,015 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1282 01:35:40,115 --> 01:35:42,905 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1283 01:35:43,160 --> 01:35:45,790 If wearing superhero tights... 1284 01:35:46,246 --> 01:35:47,648 means sparing psychopaths... 1285 01:35:47,748 --> 01:35:49,858 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1286 01:35:49,958 --> 01:35:52,361 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1287 01:35:52,461 --> 01:35:53,570 Just promise... 1288 01:35:53,670 --> 01:35:57,366 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1289 01:35:57,466 --> 01:35:59,034 Oh, shit. 1290 01:35:59,134 --> 01:36:05,040 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1291 01:36:05,140 --> 01:36:06,417 and tell her... 1292 01:36:06,517 --> 01:36:08,544 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1293 01:36:08,644 --> 01:36:11,904 Well, you better figure it out. 1294 01:36:13,357 --> 01:36:14,591 I can't even tell you... 1295 01:36:14,691 --> 01:36:15,781 I deserved that. That, too. 1296 01:36:16,527 --> 01:36:18,220 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1297 01:36:18,320 --> 01:36:20,110 Start talking! 1298 01:36:22,157 --> 01:36:23,737 I'm sorry. 1299 01:36:23,992 --> 01:36:25,452 I'm so sorry. 1300 01:36:26,286 --> 01:36:28,826 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1301 01:36:30,332 --> 01:36:32,359 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1302 01:36:32,459 --> 01:36:34,486 It's been rough couple of years. 1303 01:36:34,586 --> 01:36:35,246 Rough? 1304 01:36:43,053 --> 01:36:44,893 I live in a crackhouse. 1305 01:36:46,139 --> 01:36:47,469 With a family of 12. 1306 01:36:49,226 --> 01:36:50,711 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1307 01:36:50,811 --> 01:36:53,797 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1308 01:36:53,897 --> 01:36:59,737 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1309 01:37:07,870 --> 01:37:10,040 So, you live in a house. 1310 01:37:18,881 --> 01:37:21,841 I should have come and found you sooner. 1311 01:37:23,302 --> 01:37:27,262 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1312 01:37:31,643 --> 01:37:32,853 You mean this mask? 1313 01:37:52,998 --> 01:37:54,578 And this one. 1314 01:37:56,043 --> 01:37:57,843 In case the other fell off. 1315 01:38:00,797 --> 01:38:03,033 All right. Yeah, just... 1316 01:38:03,133 --> 01:38:04,785 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1317 01:38:04,885 --> 01:38:07,037 Owdie 5,000. 1318 01:38:07,137 --> 01:38:08,097 Wait, wait, wait... 1319 01:38:10,057 --> 01:38:11,307 Are you sure? 1320 01:38:13,185 --> 01:38:14,195 I'm sure. 1321 01:38:24,696 --> 01:38:25,566 Wow. 1322 01:38:26,949 --> 01:38:28,069 Yeah. 1323 01:38:34,998 --> 01:38:36,328 Hey... 1324 01:38:38,585 --> 01:38:42,799 After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks... 1325 01:38:44,216 --> 01:38:46,176 it's a face... 1326 01:38:50,639 --> 01:38:52,269 I'd be happy to sit on. 1327 01:38:59,731 --> 01:39:03,385 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1328 01:39:03,485 --> 01:39:04,275 No. 1329 01:39:04,820 --> 01:39:06,722 Super-penis. 1330 01:39:06,822 --> 01:39:08,702 Come on, Wade. Language. 1331 01:39:08,949 --> 01:39:10,329 Young one is present. 1332 01:39:11,410 --> 01:39:13,228 What are you still doing? 1333 01:39:13,328 --> 01:39:15,981 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1334 01:39:16,081 --> 01:39:18,817 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1335 01:39:18,917 --> 01:39:20,611 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1336 01:39:20,711 --> 01:39:22,613 And you, chicken noodle... 1337 01:39:22,713 --> 01:39:24,448 nothing compares to you. 1338 01:39:24,548 --> 01:39:26,575 Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1339 01:39:26,675 --> 01:39:29,385 That's all right. You're cool. 1340 01:39:31,305 --> 01:39:32,956 What in the ass? 1341 01:39:33,056 --> 01:39:36,096 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1342 01:39:36,518 --> 01:39:39,630 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1343 01:39:39,730 --> 01:39:42,800 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1344 01:39:42,900 --> 01:39:45,110 coming together to form one super robot. 1345 01:39:45,986 --> 01:39:47,137 There's a stupid. 1346 01:39:47,237 --> 01:39:48,277 Yeah. 1347 01:39:51,742 --> 01:39:56,122 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1348 01:39:59,875 --> 01:40:01,005 Come here. 1349 01:40:10,886 --> 01:40:13,846 Wham! As promised. 1350 01:40:26,902 --> 01:40:28,011 See? 1351 01:40:28,111 --> 01:40:31,640 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1352 01:40:31,740 --> 01:40:34,620 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1353 01:40:35,118 --> 01:40:38,564 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1354 01:40:38,664 --> 01:40:40,190 There we go, that looks nice. 1355 01:40:40,290 --> 01:40:42,609 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1356 01:40:42,709 --> 01:40:46,029 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1357 01:40:46,129 --> 01:40:49,908 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1358 01:40:50,008 --> 01:40:55,888 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1359 01:47:05,843 --> 01:47:07,393 You're still here? 1360 01:47:10,013 --> 01:47:13,063 It's over. Go home. 1361 01:47:14,726 --> 01:47:19,056 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1362 01:47:20,107 --> 01:47:23,093 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1363 01:47:23,193 --> 01:47:25,804 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1364 01:47:25,904 --> 01:47:27,534 Go. Go. 1365 01:47:33,787 --> 01:47:36,273 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1366 01:47:36,373 --> 01:47:39,526 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1367 01:47:39,626 --> 01:47:41,987 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1368 01:47:42,087 --> 01:47:44,323 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1369 01:47:44,423 --> 01:47:47,659 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1370 01:47:47,759 --> 01:47:50,204 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1371 01:47:50,304 --> 01:47:51,663 Anyway, big secret. 1372 01:47:51,763 --> 01:47:56,273 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1373 01:47:57,227 --> 01:47:58,312 Go. 99319

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.