All language subtitles for Weeds.S01E01.BDRip.x264-ION10

[M1

woman:
So I really think it's important

that we remove all soft drinks
from the vending machines

and replace them
with bottled water

and naturally sweetened fruit juice.

Are you talking about diet soda too?

Because I don't think we should
take away the diet soda.

So many of our girls
are watching their weight...

Our oldest girls are 11.

They shouldn't be dieting.

I think she got a little boty
between the eyes.

Celia: That's just naive.

She probably treated herself,
poor thing.

My husband dropped dead, I'd suck out,
lift up and inject anything that moved.

I know that you've got boys,
so you may not understand.

Understand what?

That our children shouldn't be
guzzling sugar and chemicals?

No, we are in total agreement
about the sugar.

All the "sugary" drinks
should go.

So everyone in favour
of eliminating

the "sugary" drinks from
the vending machines, ladies.

Ladies?

Wonderful. That's done.

Thank you, Nancy botwin,

head of our
healthy children's committee.

Now let's take a break.

She's got the big bag.

Guess he left her
pretty well-fixed, huh?

I heard there was nothing.

They spent all that money
on the new kitchen.

Have you seen it?
It turned out gorgeous.

So give yourselves a round
of applause, everyone.

I wonder how she's getting by.

Nancy, we were all just saying
how much we love your purse.

It's a knockoff,
but you can't even tell.

Let me see that. Raysha
been wanting one of these.

How much you pay?
Seventy-five bucks.

Raysha take one look
at that crooked stitch,

and she know you a cheap trick.
The stitching on this bag is perfect.

Oh, yeah, right there. I see it.
Goddamn it!

Heylia: Yeah. Looking in
the dictionary the other day

saw your picture sitting up in there
right next to "dumb-ass white bitch."

Corn bread.

Oh, that smells good.

I miss carbs.
My friend taleesa tried that no carbs.

She ate bacon and eggs
for a whole month.

I'm talking, like, five dozen eggs
and a whole pig a day.

She lost 11 pounds. Shit works.

My sister does this thing where they
leave a cooler bag full of no-carb food

outside her house every day.
She's lost 17 pounds.

Heylia: We should start
that in this neighbourhood.

Call it the "I'm getting skinny because
some nigga stole my bag of food" diet.

Taleesa's still fat.

Uh-uh. She look good.

Keeyon:
Then why Ronnie dump her ass?

Because he found out she was taking his money for
little Ron and spending it on shit for sheree.

And he all,
"why don't my son got Adidas?"

It's stupid to buy expensive shoes for a
3-year-old. He'll outgrow them in a day.

Conrad:
You calling black people stupid?

And lazy, and they also steal.

But we sings
and dances real good.

White people steal. Enron, worldcom.
They be stealing billions of dollars

flush it through some overseas
bank account,

then sit on the beach
and count they money.

Oh! Somebody been listening
to the good reverend sharpton.

Maybe black people need to start
stealing a little bit bigger.

Maybe fucking so.

Hey, that bag
looks a little small.

You did not just say that.

Bitch, I can eyeball an ounce from
outer space with my glasses cracked.

Give me.

Huh—huh. Mmm.

All acting like you know. Writing
cheques your ass can't cash.

You never question
heylia's eyeballing.

That's the rain man of weed
right there.

I apologise, I'm still new at this.
I stand corrected.

Stand? You on your knees corrected.
Getting all beside herself.

Gonna come up in my house,
tell me about my business?

Girl, you need to recognise.
All right, all right. Fine.

I'm a bitch-ass bitch.

Give me a little respect.

I'm the biggest game
in the private community of agrestic.

Drugs sell themselves, biscuit.
You ain't shit.

You still ain't shit.

How much you got there?

Uh-uh. Take that crap
off my money.

You not giving me a present.
You're paying me for weed.

Excuse me for trying to bring
a little beauty into an ugly world.

Oh, shit. It's 2:30.

Well, where you rushing off to
with your ass on fire?

Dr. Phil ain't on till 4.

Shane's got his grief counsellor.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Wait, I'll walk you out. Damn.

Can you imagine, though?

Boy out jogging with his daddy,
having a good time,

then, boom, daddy drop.

That will fuck a kid up.

Well, you show me
who ain't fucked up.

Shit.

Who wants some corn bread?
Vaneeta: Right here.

Conrad: You all right?
Nancy: I'm fine. I'm just late.

You sure?
Conrad, we do business, not personal.

You know I'm full-service.

Andy didn't tell you that
when he hooked us up?

I believe my brother-in-law's
exact words were:

"Dude, meet the finest jit
with the finest shit."

Jit?

I was just quoting.

I gotta go. All right.

Drive safe.

Know where I live at, right?

I do.Bye.

Man 1:
Shh. I think I hear something.

Man 2: Brush is awful thick
over there, you see anything?

Man 1: He '3 quartering
towards us, but he's obstructed.

I can't get a good shot at the heart...

What happened in the guest room?
Ask Shane.

I'm asking both of you.

I fell through the skylight.
But don't worry, I'm okay.

Turn the show back on.

There's a huge hole in the ceiling.
What the hell were you doing up there?

Lupita told him to get down.
I tell him, missus.

I didn't hear her.
Silas: Come on.

Deaf girl on Dewey street
could hear her.

Shane: She's not
deaf, she just talks weird.

There's something wrong
with her tongue.

What? Who told you that?
She's totally deaf.

If Dennis cling says there's
nothing wrong with her tongue...

Nancy: Hey. Uh—uh.

What do you mean? What?
Did they French-kiss?

Quinn: Hey, Mrs. Botwin.

Nancy:
Hey, Quinn, you want some chilli?

Quinn: No, I'm good.
That's right, Shane.

They French-kissed.
Quinn: Who French-kissed?

Dennis cling and Megan beales.

Oh, they did a whole lot more than...
Quinn!

Hey, how's your shoulder?
I'm totally okay.

Can I have the remote
back now? Please?

You were here when he fell?

Officially, I was at Kim's house
working on a science project.

"Officially."
Shane: Yeah, they were making out.

But nothing naked. Shut up.

I gotta go out for a second.
Where are you going?

It's the neighbourhood watch thing.
I'll be right back.

Wanna fool around? Sure.

Man 1: One time, I shot this black
bear clean between the shoulder blades

with my Browning blr .308.

Man 2: Next time, we go
bowhunting. Guns are for pussies.

Uh-oh.

I told you! You can't miss the bear!

I love this show.

Boo!

Christ. Josh.

You need to relax.

My husband died of a heart
attack, you wanna orphan my kids?

So, what's up?

Josh: My guy went on this yoga retreat
in redlands. He won't be back for a week.

I just was wondering
if you could help me out.

He didn't take care of you
before he left?

Well, they've been playing winged migration
at the plex for the midnight show all week.

Wiped me out. Shit hasn't gone this
fast since the passion of the Christ.

People got stoned for
the passion of the Christ?

That's disturbing.

Not as disturbing
as watching it not stoned.

Religion, my ass,
it's a straight-up snuff film.

Why don't you take the week off?

That just goes so against
my Christian work ethic, miss b.

Come on, help me out.
I'd do it for you.

I don't need you to.

Cash. My guy doesn't do yoga.

Josh. Comeon

I was at the orthodontist
the other week,

and I heard all about
Shane's overbite.

It's gotta be costing you
some serious green.

You gonna play by the rules?

One of your own kind
deal to your own kind

I'm putting the love
in the glove

okay, listen. You stay away
from my customer base,

you don't deal to kids.
Are we clear?

If they're too young to bleed,
they're too young for weed.

No grass on the field,
no grass will they yield.

You're a poet. You know it.

It's getting late,
you want a ride home?

No, I'll be good. It's the suburbs. Safe
to walk the streets at night and all that.

Whoa.

You should take her easy
on the lattes, miss b.

Don't kid yourself.
Caffeine is a serious drug.

Go away now, Josh.

Later, miss b.

[M1

Man: Let's go, team!
Come on, hustle out there!

Foul! Ref, what's the matter
with your whistle?

Well, technically, Nancy,
ref can't call a foul.

Shane was kicked
by his own teammates.

Look at Isabelle go.

How's she doing
with her nutritionist?

Oh, fine. Fine.

She lost three pounds.

In just four months. Good for her.

She has a very slow metabolism.

We're thinking of putting her
on thyroid medication.

Why she couldn't take after my side
of the family, I will never know.

Did you see my kick?

Yeah, I wanna see more
running out there, isabelly.

Yeah, that's what burns the fat.

Your kick was great, Isabelle.
Yes, it was.

Yeah. I'm just gonna go
get a drink.

Water or diet soda only!

You know, I love Dean,
but he has ruined my children.

He has. Quinn has his asthma,

Isabelle has inherited
his unfortunate build.

Breaks my heart. Well, we
all have our crosses to bear.

Man: All right, bring it on in, hurricanes.
Nice effort out there, huh? Let's go.

Oh, look, I think Shane is bleeding.

Ew! Shane just licked
his own blood!

Kids: Ew!

You know, maybe he needs
more iron in his diet.

Here you go.

Okay.

Let the healing begin.
Can we go home now? Please?

It's not even halftime.
I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

No, you've gotta tough it out, little
man. That's what your father would have...

How about this? How about
you relax and have a drink

and sit out this quarter, and you'll
play again in the second half, okay?

Okay?
Fine. Can I have fruit punch?

You can even have fruit punch.

I love you.

You know, from all the books
I have read,

you should really be encouraging
Shane and Silas

to talk about Judah's death.

Or down the road, you're looking at
two very dysfunctional adults

who will have trouble sustaining
healthy relationships.

Celia. What?

I had no idea you read books.
Well...

Hey, Nancy. How's it going?

Douglas, do you know where
your son Josh is right now?

And what he's doing?

Yeah, yeah,
he's over there somewhere.

Yeah, and hejust happens to be...
Doug: Hey, Nancy, I was wondering...

There's some nice stuff in here, Doug.
Doug: Okay, that's great.

It's kind of expensive, but I promise
you, it's worth every penny.

Really?

Well, you haven't let me
down yet, Nance. Thank you.

You're welcome. Catch you later.

I'll see you later, Doug.

Oh, okay. Yeah, later.

He's trying to find something nice
for Dana, her birthday's coming up.

Yeah, well, if he really wanted
to do something nice for his wife,

he'd ship that delinquent son of his off
to military school. Will you look at that?

The little scumbag sells drugs
right on the playground

nobody does anything about it.

That's it, I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, please.
Save your weekend minutes.

The kid will drop whatever he's got by the
time he sees them marching through the sandbox.

There will be nothing
to arrest him for.

Somebody's been watching
law & order.

Just the reruns. I've been finding
Jerry orbach oddly comforting.

You are such a brave widow.
All right, now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna chase that little fucker
out of here.

Oh, did you hear? They found
a 10-year-old with marijuana

in his lunch box yesterday.

A 10-year-old?

Put that on your ankle.
But I wanna play, we're short one!

I guess I could go back in, coach.
What?

Oh, botwin. There's only
a few minutes left in the half,

it really wouldn't make
a difference. And you,

sit there and ice that ankle
so you can play after the break.

You hear me, cowboy?

Now, the hurricanes don't fully
blow unless you are out there.

Shane: Coach, did you
mean to say that to Devon?

Because I think the hurricanes blow
especially hard when I'm out there.

You watch yourself, botwin.

All right, way to go, hurricanes!
Come on, let's see some hustle!

Actually, you should alternate
cold and hot every 20 minutes.

Don't even talk to me, weirdo.
Fine. I was just trying to help.

I don't need your help, lipstick.
Lipstick?

Your fruit-punch lipstick, fruit punch.

It's perfect. Fruit for the fruit.

Or are you just
pretending it's blood?

Because we all know how much you love
the taste of blood. Is that it, vampire?

Okay, I'm confused. Am I weirdo,
lipstick, fruit punch or vampire?

You really need to pick an
insulting nickname and stick to it.

How about orphan boy?

I'm going to kill you! You little freak!

Shane, where...?
Devon: Come here, you!

You are so dead!

Oh, Devon, honey.

You really need to watch
where you're going.

Well, it's never gonna
happen at my house.

My mom's probably got, like,
spy cameras in the light fixtures.

Come on.

You think I'm kidding?

This is a woman who put one of
those stuffed-Teddy-bear nanny cams

in the pantry so she could see
when Isabelle was sneaking food.

I am so dead. I am so dead.

Is he coming?

There's no one
chasing you, Shane.

Oh, man. What, are
you wearing lipstick?

It's not lipstick, it's fruit punch.

I threw a can of soda
at Devon rensler.

Well, that was stupid.
He called me orphan boy.

He's a fuckwad. Did you hit him?

No, just grazed him.
Oh, that's bad.

You can't miss the bear.
What bear?

I missed the bear. The shot was
nowhere near his optimum kill zone.

What are you talking about?
Don't you watch bear hunt?

On the wilderness channel?
Somehow, I've missed it.

It's the best show
in the history of television!

Silas: Every week, these guys with
gun racks and their big old monster trucks

go out and they kill a bear.
That's horrible.

No, it's so awesome!
Right, right.

"Gotta bring enough gun
to get the job done."

And tell her about c.G.S.!

Whoa. Shane.
You're gonna wet yourself.

Shut up. You're just as into it.
C.G.S.?

Carter grizzly sudkin. He's the host.
At the end of each show...

He has the head of the bear
they shot that week.

Right, right. And he leaves you with
these, like, wise parting words, like:

"You can't miss the bear,
or he gonna turn around

and rip you open like a present from
your mama on Christmas morning."

Okay, we are breaking up.
Come on.

Think of the time
this will save us on foreplay.

You just whisper, "shoot me in the
optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go.

I could whisper "linoleum"
and you'd be good to go.

You're finally gonna do it?
Thank god! He's been going crazy.

Shane, shut the fuck up!

Doug.
Jesus, Nance, you weren't kidding.

This stuff is primo.
You wanna climb in?

Unless you wanna go back to buying
ditch weed from your housekeeper's cousin,

I suggest you put away the pipe, hide the open
bag of pot, and get your head out of your ass.

What are you thinking? What?

You're on the goddamn city council.
What if someone like Celia walked by?

She is such a bitch.

Great tits, but a raging bitch.

Her husband's boning the tennis pro.
The Asian girl?

She love him long time.

Doug, she's from anaheim,
not Bangkok.

She can't shoot tennis balls
out of her twat.

Well, last week she stuck the handle of a
racket up Dean's ass when he was ploughing her.

He said it felt unbelievable.
But you know, if you ask me,

any guy who lets anything
up there is at least part fag.

How do you know all this?
He's in the poker game.

And he just shared it with you?

He was losing, drank too much.

Did Judah ever say anything
about our sex life at these games?

No, no. The guys who still
have sex with their wives

usually don't wanna jinx it
by saying something out loud.

He was a great guy, Nance.
We miss him a lot.

Yeah. Me too.

If only he'd lived long enough for me
to stick foreign objects up his ass.

I never even got a finger up there.

Oh, man. You're an amazing lady.

And you're an idiot.

Air out the Van
and keep your smoke private.

You hear me?
Yeah. I'm sorry. Iwasn't thinking.

We cool?
We're cool when you pay me.

Now we're cool.

Hey, hey, I was just getting into that.
It's all about textures this fall.

Give my love to Dana.
Oh, right, right, will do.

Hey. Dana wants you to call her
about taking a class

in vegetable gardening or vegetable
cooking. Something with vegetables.

Vegetable carvings, maybe.

Excuse me, ma'am, have you heard
the good news about Jesus?

You made me a promise,
you little shit.

Hey, take it easy.

I won't sneak up on you any more.
I just heard a 10-year-old got busted.

A 10-year-old. You're a fucking liar.
The kid told me he was 37.

You promised me no kids.
Yeah, but they all want it.

Josh! And they cry if you say no.

I just sold him shake. He's 10.

Look, when you opened shop here, I
was totally cool with you, you know?

And you took away a lot of my
parent business, but I let it go.

It's not okay to sell to little kids.
Let their parents worry about it.

I'm selling to
whoever's buying, okay?

No, you're not!

No, you're not.

No? What are you gonna do,
you gonna tell on me?

My dad's over there
getting baked in the minivan.

He'll just be pissed that
I was holding out on him.

Don't worry.

I will never
sell to Shane, okay?

You're a kid. You're just
a stupid, irresponsible kid.

And you're a hypocrite.

"Keep kids off drugs,"
cries the pot-dealing mom.

But, you know what? Hey, if it gets you
through the night, good for you, Nance.

I'll see you around.

Can we go now? I hate soccer, and
Devon rensler called me orphan boy.

Devon rensler's a fuckwad.
Get in the car.

Yeah. Are you two coming?

Can we have sex in your house?

So you guys really think you're ready?
Yeah.

I've tortured him enough.

I mean, we've been going out
for almost three months already.

A whole three months.

But I trust him.

And I think he loves me.
Shane: Hello?

I think you're right about that,
but you guys are only 15.

Shane: Mom? Mom!

I'm not sure where she is.
Can I take a message?

Okay, bye.
Nancy: Shane? We're up on the roof.

Who called? Quinn's mom.

She's on her way over. Great.

Go warn your brother.
Shane: Silas!

She's gonna make you swear
that Silas and I

are never in a room alone without
the door open and a foot on the floor.

She's such an uptight prude.

No wonder my dad's screwing
Helen chin.

You know about that?

I had my suspicions.
You just confirmed them.

Oh, shit.

Look, Mrs. Botwin,
I think you're really cool.

But Silas and I are ready.

You say that,
but you don't know.

You never know.

When I had sex
with my last boyfriend...

Sex with your last boyfriend?

Yeah.

What? Did you think
we were virgins?

I'm climbing down.

See you in the house.

Oh, check it out.

Mr. Wells has a new boy toy.

He...? What? I didn't know
he had an old one.

Yeah. That guy Raul
from the security patrol,

but they broke up a while ago.
Hand me the binoculars.

Oh! Oh.

No way!

I know that guy.

His dad would so fully freak
if he knew Josh was gay.

This is so funny. Josh?

Yeah. Josh Wilson, Josh?

I think he's a pot dealer
or something.

I know nothing.

If it's girl scouts,
get the mint cookies.

Yes? Just one second.

Josh: The minty ones!

Wait! Who are you?
Josh: Hurry up!

I'll just be a second.
Excuse me?

Your dad may not care
about the dealing,

but from what I hear,
this would really upset him.

Okay. You win.
No kids, ever, I promise.

Your promises aren't worth much.
I swear on my life, okay? Just...

You can't say anything. You don't
know what my dad is really like.

No, I don't.
Wells: What's going on?

You think you know a person.
He said he was 23.

Promise me you're not gonna
say anything, please, miss b.?

I'll think about it.
What does that mean?

Wells: This is my house!
What does that mean?

Nancy: See you around, Josh.

See you in church.

Celia: I know everything.

I read her diary.

You read her diary?
They're going to have sex.

Here. Brought you something.

It has a camera in it.

Just slip it into Silas' room, flip
the switch right under the tail here.

I think Silas would notice
if a big pink bear

suddenly showed up in his room,
and I'm not gonna spy on my kids.

Celia, I trust them.

Please, they're all
liars and sneaks,

and it is ourjob to discover
what they're up to and stop it.

Are you really that naive?

I'm beginning to think
I am extremely naive.

Take the bear.
I'm not gonna take the bear.

Take the bear. No.

Okay, fine, fine.

Just promise me,
mother to mother,

that my daughter and your son
will not have sex under this roof.

I know that it's hard for you to
understand because you have boys,

but I don't want Quinn
turning into some little slut.

Like that deaf girl down on Dewey
street who gave fellatio to Dennis cling.

Promise me! Fine, fine.

Not under my roof.
You have my word as a mother.

Thank you.

Silas: Pizza's here.
Where's my change?

Here.

[M1

oh, look, Silas. Look at that
cute stuffed bear on the table.

We used to have one
just like it in our pantry.

What happened to that bear, mom?
I miss that bear.

You can't miss the bear.

That is the bear from the pantry.

I was just showing it to Nancy.

Why?

Why?

Nancy: I've been
thinking of investing

in one of those make-your-own-bear
franchises at the mall.

Oh, right.
Well, are you gonna keep him?

Because I'd love
to put him in my room.

Give me the bear.
Give me the bear.

He's all yours.

Devon: Of course he's not here
today. He knows he'd get his ass kicked.

[M1

boy: Shit! Silas: I want blood!

Devon:
Leave me alone, all right?

Ha-ha! Devon: Quit it!

Quit it! Quit it!

I think pink's really your colour,
you fuckwad!

Who's "fruit punch" now?

Nice.

Shane goes on a paint
rampage, gets suspended.

The two of you ditch school
to fuck in my guestroom.

I've got everything
under control.

Don't you see? Technically,
we're not under your roof.

See?

Hey.

Oh, shit. Come on. Come in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's all right.

Heylia, break out that pie
you made last night.

The white lady
having a time of it here.

Heylia: Tell her get her skinny
ass in here and get her own damn pie!

Slave days is over!

Oh, Dean!

Goddamn it! Come on!

Helen: Dean!

Doug:
Put it in, Helen! Put it in!

Oh, my god!

Fuck you.

That little cunt.

Fuck off!

I should have had an abortion.