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1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:05,171
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:09,422
WATERMAN [ON TV]:
Waterman Cable Access presents Picking on Raccoons.
3
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:13,286
I'm Harv Williams
and as always, my wife, Shelly.
4
00:00:13,296 --> 00:00:16,326
SHELLY: Hello.
We got a raccoon over here,
5
00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:17,533
who looks like he's feeling
6
00:00:17,535 --> 00:00:19,835
pretty high and mighty
this afternoon.
7
00:00:19,837 --> 00:00:21,437
Let's go pick on him.
8
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:22,668
[YELLS]
9
00:00:22,673 --> 00:00:25,573
No one likes you,
you garbage-eating bastard.
10
00:00:25,576 --> 00:00:27,236
SHELLY:
Harv.
11
00:00:28,745 --> 00:00:30,175
[HISSES]
12
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:32,060
[HARV & SHELLY SCREAMING]
13
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:36,667
[HARV MOANS]
14
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:43,207
I'm Harv. I hate raccoons.
15
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,711
[GROWLS]
16
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:47,582
Hmm. What else is on?
17
00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,265
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
18
00:00:51,269 --> 00:00:53,539
♪ And I am proud to be
19
00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:55,917
♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪
20
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:58,313
♪ With my new family
21
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,788
♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪
22
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:02,845
♪ And even a bear
23
00:01:02,847 --> 00:01:05,097
♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪
24
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,829
♪ It's true love we share ♪
25
00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:09,203
♪ And so I found a place
26
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,273
♪ Where everyone will know
27
00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:13,471
♪ My happy mustache face
28
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,574
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
29
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,636
[LAUGHS]
30
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:20,084
[BELL RINGS]
31
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,481
All right, all right.
32
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,482
Now, let's shtetl down, class.
33
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,445
It's time to sign up
34
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:28,553
for the school's annual
participation show,
35
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,716
because certain parents
36
00:01:30,725 --> 00:01:32,415
felt that the word "talent"
37
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,286
set up unreasonable
expectations.
38
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:37,125
Thank you, Gordon.
39
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:40,320
[KIDS MURMURING]
40
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:42,477
Now, don't y'all
be afraid to sign up
41
00:01:42,486 --> 00:01:44,016
just because me and my boys
42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,491
blew everyone off
the stage last year.
43
00:01:46,490 --> 00:01:48,760
[UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
44
00:01:52,629 --> 00:01:54,709
[CAMERAS WHIRRING]
45
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,746
[CHEERING]
46
00:01:57,752 --> 00:02:00,952
Once again,
I am not part of this act.
47
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,855
I had a mild stroke an hour ago.
48
00:02:03,858 --> 00:02:07,028
Why is no one calling 911?
49
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:10,327
Yo, Rallo. What we gonna do
for our act this year?
50
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,730
Don't worry, guys.
I got a plan.
51
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,533
Our act is gonna be
so off the hook,
52
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,104
you gonna remember it
for the rest of your lives.
53
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,804
Or not at all because we're 5.
54
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,466
Y'all won't remember
any of this.
55
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,814
I killed a guy.
And I never miss Glee.
56
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:27,031
Ha, ha. No, they gonna forget
that by naptime.
57
00:02:27,030 --> 00:02:29,430
[♪]
58
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:33,373
And what's with this Gmail?
I just got used to e-mail.
59
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:36,340
Will someone please tell me
why we skipped f-mail?
60
00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:38,870
[ALL LAUGH]
61
00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:40,705
Man,
lunchtime with Cleveland
62
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:43,380
is the single funniest hour
in America.
63
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,680
Check it.
Ten impressions, 30 seconds.
64
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:47,933
He's gonna do it.
Put down your drinks.
65
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,804
[AS BORAT]
My name is Borat. Is nice.
66
00:02:50,805 --> 00:02:52,635
[AS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN]
More cowbell.
67
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,339
[AS BILL COSBY]
Jell-O pudding, you see.
68
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,042
[AS SEAN CONNERY]
Pussy Galore. I must be dreaming.
69
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,375
[AS MR. T]
I pity the fool.
70
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:02,779
[GROWLS AS CHEWBACCA]
71
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,023
[AS CHRIS GRIFFIN]
Stewie, come smell my butt.
72
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:07,889
[AS SCOOBY-DOO]
Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Heh-heh-heh.
73
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,988
[AS FAT ALBERT]
Hey, hey, hey, I'm Rosie O'Donnell.
74
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,621
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
How many was that?
75
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,026
Nine.
76
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,228
[AS BORAT]
Is nice.
77
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,229
[ALL LAUGHING]
78
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:22,125
Oh, I'm telling you,
this should be a show.
79
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,366
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, I have been described as likable and accessible.
80
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,772
But, you,
you're a natural sidekick.
81
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,975
Correct is what you are, sir.
82
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,377
Woo, woo!
83
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:35,298
Did someone pull
the cool-boss alarm?
84
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,869
Go ahead, Terry. Pull it.
85
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,238
I'm kidding. What'd I miss?
Hey, Mr. Waterman.
86
00:03:40,237 --> 00:03:43,167
Aren't you looking for a show
to replace that raccoon guy?
87
00:03:43,173 --> 00:03:44,743
Put Cleveland on TV.
88
00:03:44,742 --> 00:03:47,442
Aren't you already
on one of the CSIs?
89
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:48,764
No.
Huh.
90
00:03:48,763 --> 00:03:51,263
Well, then, Mr. Fishburne,
91
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:54,065
you've got yourself a show.
92
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,598
My own cable-access show.
Hooray!
93
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,744
[MICROWAVE DINGS]
94
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,408
My burrito's ready. Hooray!
95
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,767
RALLO:
All right, guys. Let's give it a try.
96
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,256
[♪]
97
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,250
[BONES CRACK]
98
00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,473
[SOBBING]
99
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,081
I can't believe it didn't work.
100
00:04:20,077 --> 00:04:22,677
Now we got nothing
for the talent show.
101
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:23,909
Oh, Rallo.
102
00:04:23,914 --> 00:04:25,484
What in the world made you think
103
00:04:25,483 --> 00:04:28,103
you could break a board
with your hand?
104
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,852
I learned it from you, Mom.
105
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:34,574
I learned it from watching you.
106
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:38,435
ANNOUNCER:
Parents who do karatehave children who do karate.
107
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:49,192
And, five, four, three...
108
00:04:49,190 --> 00:04:51,320
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
109
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,694
TIM:
From Stoolbend, it's The Relatively Late Show,
110
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:56,804
starring, uh, Cleveland Brown.
111
00:04:56,797 --> 00:05:00,577
And now, Cleveland is here.
112
00:05:04,603 --> 00:05:06,043
[MUSIC STOPS]
113
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,589
Hi. Wow.
114
00:05:07,591 --> 00:05:10,091
Thanks for tuning into
our very first show.
115
00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:11,963
How's everybody doing?
116
00:05:11,962 --> 00:05:14,902
Boy, it was hot in Stoolbend
today, wasn't it?
117
00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:17,699
You know how hot it was?
TIM: Uh, no, sir.
118
00:05:17,701 --> 00:05:21,371
It was so hot that if Tim's son
Raymond were a potato
119
00:05:21,371 --> 00:05:26,371
and he went outside
he'd be twice baked.
120
00:05:26,376 --> 00:05:29,526
Uh, Tim's son is a stoner.
Not sure if everyone knew that.
121
00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:31,029
[LAUGHS]
122
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,671
Yes. A stoner potato.
123
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,928
[AS WOMAN]
Uh, Dr. Brown,
124
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,396
it's time to interview
the next candidate
125
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,365
for the rocket-scientist
position.
126
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,044
Now, I must remind you
127
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,882
that you've already
had two warnings
128
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:47,007
about sexual harassment,
so this is your last chance.
129
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,214
I'll be good.
130
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,115
What's the candidate's name?
131
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,447
Uh, "Big Boob June."
132
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,393
[♪]
133
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:58,867
Got milk?
134
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,405
[GUS PLAYS RIMSHOT ON POTS]
135
00:06:00,411 --> 00:06:03,631
Ha, ha. Let's hear it
for the NASA sketch.
136
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,234
Hi, who's soft?
Are you soft?
137
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,735
I'm gonna name you
"Scott Bathroom Tissue."
138
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,497
That's adorable.
139
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,056
Lester, what other animals
you have
140
00:06:14,057 --> 00:06:15,757
running around
in your filthy house?
141
00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:18,159
I've got a basement
full of these.
142
00:06:18,161 --> 00:06:19,961
Whoa!
143
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,633
I think he likes me.
144
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,132
TIM:
Oh, hey.
145
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:28,274
I, uh-- I ate Scott Bathroom
Tissue. So, uh--
146
00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:29,271
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
147
00:06:29,272 --> 00:06:30,862
Well, that's our show.
148
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,158
I'd like to thank our guests,
149
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,359
Big Boob June
from the grocery store,
150
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,391
my neighbor Lester
and Luke Wilson.
151
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,296
Thanks, Gus. The government
blew the levees during Katrina.
152
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,099
Stay tuned for Cat Party. Good
night.
153
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,436
[♪]
154
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,790
So, Arch,
you catch my show last night?
155
00:06:49,793 --> 00:06:51,193
Yup. Sucked.
156
00:06:51,194 --> 00:06:53,434
Huh. One man's opinion.
Nope.
157
00:06:53,430 --> 00:06:55,260
Several thousand
people's opinion.
158
00:06:55,265 --> 00:06:56,075
No way.
159
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,953
Yes way. Look on the Internet.
160
00:06:59,284 --> 00:07:00,644
Here's a review.
161
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,337
"Mr. Brown has the charm
162
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,409
"of a graveyard-shift
bus driver
163
00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:07,037
and the comic timing
of a wifebeater."
164
00:07:07,044 --> 00:07:10,064
That's gotta be a typo.
Wait, what's that one?
165
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,963
"When Waterman Cable decided
166
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,795
"to fill
Harv the Raccoon Guy's shoes,
167
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:18,541
little did we know they'd fill
them with feces."
168
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,709
Hey, but you still
got four stars.
169
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:22,837
Oh, out of a thousand.
170
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,413
Weird system.
171
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:28,911
If you'll excuse me, Tim,
I need to go wash my hands.
172
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,896
[CLEVELAND SOBBING]
173
00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:37,570
Everybody hates me.
174
00:07:37,574 --> 00:07:38,814
[WHIMPERING]
175
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,595
[FLY UNZIPS]
176
00:07:45,647 --> 00:07:48,417
[♪]
177
00:07:48,418 --> 00:07:53,098
Wow. That's 178 bad reviews
in a row.
178
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,706
You are one rotten tomato.
179
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,779
Quiet. Hit refresh.
180
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:02,448
What? I do not look like
Mr. Potato Head.
181
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:06,049
Oh, baby, so what if people
didn't like your awful show?
182
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:09,442
You shouldn't care so much about
what people think. I don't.
183
00:08:09,439 --> 00:08:13,409
Because I know one's self-worth
comes from within.
184
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,840
You're right, Donna.
185
00:08:14,844 --> 00:08:17,214
So silly of me to get upset.
186
00:08:17,214 --> 00:08:18,654
I should be more like you
187
00:08:18,649 --> 00:08:20,879
who doesn't care
so much she wears this.
188
00:08:20,884 --> 00:08:22,884
[DONNA YELLS
THEN CLEVELAND GASPS]
189
00:08:24,187 --> 00:08:25,647
Vanity.
190
00:08:25,656 --> 00:08:27,156
Vanity.
191
00:08:27,157 --> 00:08:30,007
Vanity.
192
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,380
Oh, man. I'm in trouble.
I got nothing.
193
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:35,649
You? You'll be fine.
You always land on your feet.
194
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,599
You're like a cat
or a man made entirely of feet.
195
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,772
Well, thanks, Cleveland.
196
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,699
You know, you're gonna
be all right too.
197
00:08:41,705 --> 00:08:43,935
You got a certain limited
appeal.
198
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,910
You mean that?
Yeah.
199
00:08:45,909 --> 00:08:49,679
Rallo, change my expression
to one of determination.
200
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,560
[♪]
201
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:04,211
Now, you see
these charts behind me?
202
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,950
Well, someone left them here
after the insurance conference,
203
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,547
so don't let them distract you,
204
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,828
because we need
to reinvent my show.
205
00:09:11,835 --> 00:09:14,665
Now, I need to be beloved.
206
00:09:14,671 --> 00:09:17,341
Who is the most beloved person
on television?
207
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:18,610
Not you.
Thank you.
208
00:09:18,609 --> 00:09:19,669
Oprah.
209
00:09:19,676 --> 00:09:21,136
Kendra got fused to the couch
210
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:23,244
watching an Oprah marathon once.
211
00:09:23,246 --> 00:09:25,996
Arianna likes that little
dancing fella.
212
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,099
Ellen.
213
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,900
My mom watches
The View in her nightie.
214
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,042
The View's horrible.
Two meanings.
215
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,788
That's it. Oprah.
216
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:35,319
Ellen. The View. Ugh.
217
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,825
If we can figure out
how to appeal to women,
218
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,427
people will love me.
219
00:09:39,429 --> 00:09:41,559
And my show too.
220
00:09:41,565 --> 00:09:45,125
Hmm. Now, what do we know
about women?
221
00:09:45,135 --> 00:09:46,995
They pee
when they sneeze.
222
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,423
Do they?
Yup,
223
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:51,322
according to that sneezing
pee-bag Whoopi Goldberg.
224
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,184
Great.
What else do we know?
225
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,507
They also pee when they--
226
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,783
We gotta think outside
the pee box.
227
00:09:58,782 --> 00:10:00,482
Let's do a little research.
228
00:10:00,483 --> 00:10:01,883
We're gonna go out there
229
00:10:01,885 --> 00:10:06,115
and watch every single chick
talk show we can find.
230
00:10:06,122 --> 00:10:08,372
Cleveland's Tigers, go!
231
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,875
[ALL GROWL]
232
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,877
[♪]
233
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,690
Murray, we need your help.
234
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,559
We got no act
for the talent show.
235
00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:26,018
Don't have an act?
236
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,455
You boys came
to the right place.
237
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:31,632
Back in my day in the Catskills
I was a hitmaker.
238
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:35,231
You ever hear of "Peezy Weezy"?
"You Are So Rare to Me"?
239
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:37,035
"Tovah Made a Sukkah
with Zeidel"?
240
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,037
These are not words
you're using.
241
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:42,139
Look, you want current?
That's easy.
242
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,212
I can write you guys
a hip-hop song. You can?
243
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,132
My nephew Mordechai
owned a studio.
244
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:49,730
Those rapper guys
came through there all the time.
245
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,072
So I know the drill.
246
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,167
Leave it to me
247
00:10:52,169 --> 00:10:53,929
and I'll have all
your little homeboys
248
00:10:53,936 --> 00:10:55,966
cheering your name.
249
00:10:57,306 --> 00:10:58,536
All right, Murray.
250
00:10:58,542 --> 00:11:00,612
I don't know if an old Jew
has ever tried
251
00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:03,010
to glom onto young black
talent before,
252
00:11:03,012 --> 00:11:04,582
but let's give it a whirl.
253
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,551
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]
254
00:11:10,952 --> 00:11:13,472
Kids. Mothers.
255
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:17,043
Shopping. Chocolate. White Wine.
256
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:20,854
Loneliness. Bulimia. Drapes.
257
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,977
I know what women care about.
258
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,483
I am...
259
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,784
Cleveland.
260
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:30,493
Now, please welcome
our first guest,
261
00:11:30,491 --> 00:11:32,821
my pancake-loving stepdaughter,
262
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,326
Roberta Benigni Tubbs.
263
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,478
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
264
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,980
We wanna talk about
what all women wanna talk about.
265
00:11:40,984 --> 00:11:44,294
Your period.
What?
266
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:46,038
Now, do you roll
your own tampons
267
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,539
or do you pay someone
to roll them for you?
268
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,541
Cleveland.
Relax, baby.
269
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:54,984
We all know what goes
on downtown, right, girlfriends?
270
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,401
[ALL CHEERING]
271
00:11:56,399 --> 00:12:00,599
[SNAPS' "THE POWER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
272
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:08,110
Okay, okay. I roll my own.
273
00:12:08,111 --> 00:12:11,081
I roll my own.
274
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:15,268
Okay, now, this was Kendra
just two hours ago,
275
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:18,399
before our makeover experts
got a hold of her.
276
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,965
Kendra, you ready to show
the world the new you?
277
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,905
KENDRA:
I'm scared.
278
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,681
It's okay, honey.
We're all rooting for you.
279
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,309
Lift the giant tarp, fellas.
280
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,496
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
281
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,191
[CHEERING]
282
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,847
You all seem to like it,
283
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,956
but let's see
what her husband says.
284
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,060
Where's Kendra?
I only see a beautiful clown.
285
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:47,274
I'm the beautiful clown.
286
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,347
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
287
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,644
You've been such a wonderful
audience
288
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,870
and because I love you
all so much,
289
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:59,635
you're all getting
something fabulous.
290
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,746
Look under your chairs.
291
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,118
There's nothing here.
Under mine, either.
292
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,978
Where's my free stuff?
293
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,196
Oh, my goodness.
Is there nothing under there?
294
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,306
Hmm.
295
00:13:10,307 --> 00:13:11,707
Maybe that's because,
296
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,978
girlfriend, you need to stop
looking for material things,
297
00:13:14,978 --> 00:13:18,908
and start looking for the gifts
inside yourselves.
298
00:13:18,915 --> 00:13:22,275
ALL [CHANTING]:
Cleveland. Cleveland.
299
00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,385
Cleveland. Cleveland.
300
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:27,198
Cleveland. Cleveland.
301
00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,216
[TEPID CLAPPING]
302
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:32,626
Thank you, Cleveland Brown Jr.,
303
00:13:32,629 --> 00:13:34,109
who insisted on performing,
304
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:38,124
despite being ineligible
for a kindergarten talent show.
305
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:42,648
And now, please welcome
Rallo Tubbs, Bernard Bernard,
306
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:46,416
and Theodore Parker Jr. III.
307
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:49,086
Now, remember,
trust the words I wrote for you.
308
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:54,065
I'll be right here chatting up
that foxy teacher of yours.
309
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,827
[GROWLS]
310
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,366
[HIP-HOP BEAT
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
311
00:13:57,371 --> 00:13:58,941
Now I'm gonna tell
you how it is.
312
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,308
Us kids today?
313
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:03,237
I tell you, we seem to think
money grows on trees.
314
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,543
But it doesn't.
315
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,684
It grows out of hard work
and sound investment.
316
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:10,981
We're about to drop some
knowledge on y'all.
317
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,504
[RAPPING]
♪ Dollars, greens, Scrilla, beans ♪
318
00:14:13,503 --> 00:14:15,923
[RAPPING]
♪ Paper, G's, Susan B's ♪
319
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:18,312
[RAPPING]
♪ Interest rates too good To pass up ♪
320
00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,937
♪ Don't be a putz
Gotta bank that cash up ♪
321
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,264
♪ Kids these days take the dough
And show it ♪
322
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:26,103
♪ Don't know how to grow it
Get allowance and blow it ♪
323
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,169
♪ Rims for my Big Wheel
♪ Custom kicks
324
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,327
♪ No, I'd rather have a pension
When I'm 66 ♪
325
00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:32,166
♪ I wanna kiddie pool
Full of shorties ♪
326
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:33,462
♪ Juice boxes on ice
327
00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:35,887
♪ Not when I'm saving
To attend Brandeis ♪
328
00:14:35,892 --> 00:14:38,432
♪ Don't need an Xbox
Put it all in tech stocks ♪
329
00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:41,258
♪ Now I got fresh bucks
Popping up like chicken pox ♪
330
00:14:41,264 --> 00:14:43,484
♪ Cheddar, bones
Grizzles, scones ♪
331
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:46,023
BOTH:
♪ Paper, ducats, Fillin' buckets ♪
332
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,549
♪ Look here, steer clear
Of financial smash-up ♪
333
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,745
♪ Don't be a yutz ♪
334
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,356
ALL:
♪ Just bank that cash up
335
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,338
♪ Bank your cash up
336
00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:56,413
♪ If you're advertising saving
I can be your pitchman ♪
337
00:14:56,412 --> 00:14:58,682
♪ Bank your cash up
338
00:14:58,681 --> 00:15:01,221
♪ Stash my scrill away
So someday I'll be a rich man ♪
339
00:15:01,217 --> 00:15:03,877
[PLAYING RIFF
FROM "IF I WAS A RICH MAN"]
340
00:15:03,886 --> 00:15:06,196
♪ Roth IRA
♪ 401(k)
341
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:08,765
♪ Finances fatter than Gabourey
Sidibe ♪
342
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,235
♪ FDIC
♪ Long-term CD
343
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,784
♪ Visit the museum
On a day that it's free ♪
344
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,650
♪ First Friday of the month,
Y'all ♪
345
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,698
♪ It's Bernard ♪
♪ Theodore
346
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:18,920
♪ And Rallo T
347
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,348
ALL:
♪ Spitting fiscal Responsibility ♪
348
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,944
♪ Word is savings bond
349
00:15:23,940 --> 00:15:25,220
Hoes.
350
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:27,234
[FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKERS]
351
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:28,427
[ALL BOOING]
352
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,958
Nerds.
You suck.
353
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:33,062
You're lame.
354
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:37,666
Maybe it's not cool to rap
about fiscal responsibility.
355
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:40,541
Murray, they hated us.
They're booing us.
356
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,670
What? I turned
my hearing aid off
357
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,705
so I wouldn't have
to hear all that booing.
358
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,791
Pick me up.
359
00:15:46,796 --> 00:15:48,656
You made us look like idiots.
360
00:15:48,664 --> 00:15:53,184
Never speak to me again.
361
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:56,846
Never reek of pee again?
362
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:59,416
I can't make
that promise, Rallo.
363
00:16:01,509 --> 00:16:03,729
[♪]
364
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:08,830
Aw, man.
365
00:16:08,832 --> 00:16:10,502
I don't know if I can take
a whole recess
366
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,771
of getting our humps busted.
367
00:16:11,769 --> 00:16:13,339
Stupid Murray.
368
00:16:13,337 --> 00:16:14,537
You were right, Theodore.
369
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:17,368
We should've gone
with your uncle, T-Pain.
370
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:19,375
[ALL SIGH]
371
00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:25,430
Losers.
372
00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:27,122
My parents were supposed
to give me
373
00:16:27,118 --> 00:16:28,548
a bike for my birthday,
374
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:32,092
but after they heard your song
they gave me a savings bond.
375
00:16:32,089 --> 00:16:34,159
Your rap was stupid.
376
00:16:34,158 --> 00:16:36,828
Ha, ha. Yeah, we know.
We did it on purpose.
377
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:40,897
We're a joke band like
Spinal Tap or Aerosmith.
378
00:16:42,332 --> 00:16:45,172
Man, we are universally loafed.
379
00:16:45,169 --> 00:16:48,799
Loathed, fool. Damn.
380
00:16:48,806 --> 00:16:51,286
[♪]
381
00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:53,692
Okay, girls,
we've had our morning cry
382
00:16:53,694 --> 00:16:55,294
and now it's on to business.
383
00:16:55,296 --> 00:16:57,696
We're on top
and we need to stay on top.
384
00:16:57,698 --> 00:16:59,398
So let's talk ideas.
385
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,870
What do you
have to va-say-say?
386
00:17:01,869 --> 00:17:04,639
What if, uh,
we reunite, uh,
387
00:17:04,638 --> 00:17:06,838
women with their
first gynecologist?
388
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,880
Tim, I want you to stop
thinking down here,
389
00:17:09,877 --> 00:17:12,607
and start thinking up here.
390
00:17:12,613 --> 00:17:14,753
Cleveland, can I talk to you
for a second?
391
00:17:14,749 --> 00:17:16,549
This is why we need
a production office.
392
00:17:16,551 --> 00:17:17,731
What?
393
00:17:17,735 --> 00:17:20,415
I need some help.
I'm at rock bottom.
394
00:17:20,421 --> 00:17:23,861
Your mom's got a rocking bottom.
Ha-ha-ha. Write that down.
395
00:17:23,858 --> 00:17:25,588
"Men who say
inappropriate things
396
00:17:25,593 --> 00:17:26,793
in front of their children."
397
00:17:26,794 --> 00:17:28,664
Come on, man. I need your help.
398
00:17:28,662 --> 00:17:30,102
We got laughed out of school
399
00:17:30,097 --> 00:17:32,827
because we did a song about
fiscal responsibility.
400
00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:36,173
The only ones who liked it
were the teachers and moms.
401
00:17:36,169 --> 00:17:38,269
Wait a minute.
That's our audience.
402
00:17:38,272 --> 00:17:39,912
We've got our next show.
403
00:17:39,907 --> 00:17:43,007
Rallo, you boys
are gonna be on TV.
404
00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:45,710
What? We'll be the laughing
stock of Stoolbend.
405
00:17:45,712 --> 00:17:48,052
We're not doing it.
Oh, you're doing it,
406
00:17:48,048 --> 00:17:51,418
or I'll sign you up
for the summer reading program.
407
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:52,618
You wouldn't.
408
00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:55,899
Oh, the friends
you'll make, Rallo.
409
00:17:55,906 --> 00:17:57,616
The friends you'll make.
410
00:17:57,625 --> 00:18:00,435
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY
AND THUNDER CRASHING]
411
00:18:02,295 --> 00:18:04,005
Thank you, Junior.
412
00:18:04,014 --> 00:18:06,904
Uh-oh. Here come the polizia.
413
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:09,841
[MIMICS POLICE SIREN]
414
00:18:09,837 --> 00:18:11,247
Okay.
415
00:18:11,255 --> 00:18:13,505
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]
416
00:18:13,508 --> 00:18:14,738
Hey, girls.
417
00:18:14,742 --> 00:18:16,682
We got a great show
for you today.
418
00:18:16,677 --> 00:18:18,537
My stepson Rallo
and his friends,
419
00:18:18,545 --> 00:18:22,815
are gonna sing us a little song
about responsible investing.
420
00:18:22,817 --> 00:18:24,577
[ALL CHEERING]
421
00:18:26,085 --> 00:18:28,395
MURRAY: Not so fast.
Murray?
422
00:18:28,405 --> 00:18:32,315
If there's one thing I learned
in all my days in show business,
423
00:18:32,326 --> 00:18:35,386
it's when to admit you're wrong.
424
00:18:35,396 --> 00:18:37,296
You're wrong.
You're all wrong.
425
00:18:37,298 --> 00:18:39,428
That is a hit song.
426
00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:44,003
But, just in case I'm wrong,
I wrote you a new one anyway.
427
00:18:45,422 --> 00:18:47,192
[HIP-HOP BEAT
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
428
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:48,840
[ALL CHEERING]
429
00:18:48,842 --> 00:18:50,632
Yeah.
430
00:18:50,628 --> 00:18:52,788
[RAPPING]
♪ We used to rap About saving a buck ♪
431
00:18:52,796 --> 00:18:54,956
♪ But now all we care
About is [BLEEP] ♪
432
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:56,565
♪ We're gonna [BLEEP]
In the [BLEEP] ♪
433
00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:58,527
♪ With a ladder in a [BLEEP]
434
00:18:58,535 --> 00:19:00,335
♪ Piscataway, New Jersey
♪ Uh-huh
435
00:19:00,337 --> 00:19:02,907
♪ Tuchus [BLEEP]
On my sock garters [BLEEP] ♪
436
00:19:02,907 --> 00:19:04,687
♪ Crack your skull
♪ Crack your skull
437
00:19:04,691 --> 00:19:06,991
♪ Used to rap about saving
Like a bunch of [BLEEP] ♪
438
00:19:06,994 --> 00:19:09,334
♪ That [BLEEP]
We're about getting [BLEEP] ♪
439
00:19:09,330 --> 00:19:11,630
♪ Get it, get it
Get that [BLEEP] ♪
440
00:19:11,631 --> 00:19:14,171
♪ Kill it, kill it
Kill that [BLEEP] ♪
441
00:19:14,168 --> 00:19:15,978
♪ First Friday of the month,
Y'all ♪
442
00:19:15,986 --> 00:19:18,066
[FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKERS]
443
00:19:23,259 --> 00:19:24,859
You realize you're
canceled, right?
444
00:19:24,861 --> 00:19:25,861
Yep.
445
00:19:25,862 --> 00:19:27,662
Then give me a show.
Huh?
446
00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:29,395
What can you do?
447
00:19:29,399 --> 00:19:31,399
[PLAYING "THREE BLIND MICE"]
448
00:19:39,241 --> 00:19:41,081
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
449
00:19:41,078 --> 00:19:44,178
That was awesome.
I can't believe you swore on TV.
450
00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,681
You inspired me to go out
and kill some shit,
451
00:19:46,683 --> 00:19:48,283
whatever that is.
452
00:19:48,285 --> 00:19:50,245
Seeing you guys
turn things around
453
00:19:50,254 --> 00:19:52,424
like that inspired me
to walk again.
454
00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:54,523
[GRUNTING]
455
00:19:54,524 --> 00:19:57,194
Ha-ha-ha, just kidding.
I'm paralyzed.
456
00:19:57,194 --> 00:19:59,294
You got kind
of a dark sense of humor.
457
00:19:59,296 --> 00:20:00,826
Hey, Murray.
458
00:20:00,831 --> 00:20:04,481
Good to see everything's
back to normal.
459
00:20:04,484 --> 00:20:06,724
Thanks again, my old man friend.
460
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,390
Hey, how'd you come up with
that stuff, anyway?
461
00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:11,990
Filth is easy.
Anyone can write that stuff.
462
00:20:11,992 --> 00:20:15,532
Besides, you never heard
"Peezy Weezy."
463
00:20:15,529 --> 00:20:18,509
♪ Peezy Weezy, your tits
I wanna squeezy ♪
464
00:20:18,515 --> 00:20:21,845
♪ As we fuck
In the pale moonlight ♪
465
00:20:21,852 --> 00:20:25,152
♪ Oh, Peezy Weezy
I'm gonna ask you, pleasey ♪
466
00:20:25,155 --> 00:20:29,155
♪ Won't you tickle
My butthole tonight? ♪
467
00:20:29,159 --> 00:20:34,659
♪ My Peezy Weezy
468
00:20:34,664 --> 00:20:37,304
Look, it was a different time.
469
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:40,970
The war. We didn't know
how long we were gonna live.
470
00:20:40,971 --> 00:20:42,911
So who wants an ice milk?
471
00:20:42,907 --> 00:20:44,167
KIDS:
I do.
472
00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:46,144
[♪]
473
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:57,702
[♪]
474
00:21:28,735 --> 00:21:31,695
[English - US - Line 21]
475
00:21:31,745 --> 00:21:36,295
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