Original subtitles

(Johnny Mathis & Deniece Williams' "Without Us" playing)

♪ I'll bet We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Okay, who wants more cocoa? (all clamor)

Oh, I do. Please. Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll make some more.

Uh, Steven, why don't you give me a hand?

I'll let you lick the spoon.

She's so good to me.

So, Alex, if Mallory hadn't interrupted your interview

you might have gone to Princeton and I never would've met you.

Well, that's... That's fine for you, Ellen, but, uh,

there's some girl at Princeton crying her eyes out right now.

I got a great story to tell you, Ellen,

now that my parents are out the room.

Oh, I like the sound of this.

When I was 16, I had this boyfriend.

And I stupidly went to Alex for advice.

MALLORY: Well, he and my dad were recording

spontaneous family conversations for Jennifer's school project.

So when I walked in, my dad put the tape recorder on

without my knowing it and left the room.

See you later, son.

Alex, do you have a minute? I wanna ask you a question.

I'm all ears.

Well, you're a guy...

Mallory, uh... Heh. I'm not just a guy.

I like to think of myself as a guy and a half.

What's up?

Okay, I was wondering. How important is sex to a guy?

I'd say it has a certain importance.

Well, on a scale of one to ten.

Thirty-five.

That's what I thought.

Uh, why are you asking me this?

I'm just making conversation.

No, no, no, no, no. This is not conversation.

Conversation is, uh, "How are you doing?"

Uh, "Looks like rain."

"Care for a waffle?"

There's something going on here you're not telling me.

Wait a minute, Mallory.

Uh, has Rick asked you

to visit his teepee?

You mean sleep with him?

Yeah. Yeah, has he?

Well, yeah, he has.

Oh.

Well, when you said you wouldn't sleep with him...

I mean, you weren't nice to him...

I mean, you let him down easy, I hope.

I said yes.

I see.

Uh, just a moment.

Are you crazy?

Is this the way I brought you up?

Cut it out, Alex.

Mallory, you're making a big mistake here.

You are 16 years old. That is too young.

Well, have you ever?

Have I ever what?

Had someone visit your teepee?

Me? Heh.

Of course I have.

But I was much older than you.

You're 16.

I was 17.

And a half.

I was 17, eight months and three days,

and it was leap year.

You're babbling, Alex.

Look, Mallory, y-you just can't do this!

It's wrong. You're not ready yet.

Why wasn't it wrong when you did it?

Ah, come on. That's different. I'm a guy.

That is such a double standard, Alex!

If a guy loses his virginity, he's some kind of a hero.

But if a girl does, she's ruined her life?

That's stupid!

Well, it may be stupid, but it's the law of nature.

You can't fight that.

Look, it's your duty as a woman to say no.

You know, if women shirk that responsibility, men, uh...

Men would never get any work done.

Well, Alex, it's obvious

that you can't be objective about this.

Why do you want to do this, Mallory?

Well, I care very much about Rick.

And I'm attracted to him.

I'm curious.

Uh, Mallory, why don't you, uh...?

Why don't you talk to Mom about this?

She lives for this stuff.

I can't do that, Alex.

You know how hard it is to talk to parents about this.

All right.

Okay, well, whatever you decide to do,

don't do it.

Alex, I know in your own warped way

you've tried to help.

I appreciate it.

(sighs)

Why are these kids in such a hurry to grow up?

Well, I didn't go through with it.

I decided I wasn't ready.

I saved her life. How can you say that?

Alex, you have such an antiquated attitude.

Come on, Mallory. Look, you...

Hey, what's all the noise about?

ALL: Nothing.

STEVEN: Look what I found

scratching at the back door. Hi, guys.

Skippy, have a seat. (mumbles)

Oh, all right. What're you guys doing?

Oh, we're uh... We're just, uh,

telling stories, having some fun.

Alex stories.

Oh, can I tell one? Go ahead, Skippy.

Well - my favorite Alex story is the time he rented out the house

while Mr. and Mrs. Keaton were away.

Oh, this is a great one, Ellen.

This is during Leland's Homecoming Game last year.

ALEX: Okay,

the, uh, ad is in the paper.

What's our state of readiness, Skipper?

All systems are go, chief.

The baby's room

is in a state of rental preparedness.

This still feels weird to me,

renting out a room in our own house.

Well, Jen, don't, uh... Don't think of it as renting.

All we're doing is letting strangers

use a room in our home

for money.

You know what I think?

Don't ask the impossible, Mallory.

Alex, I think that Mom and Dad would not approve of this.

Oh, come on, Mallory. You underestimate our parents.

Now, they are thoughtful, generous people.

And I think they'd be thrilled to know

we are using their home t-to shelter weary travelers.

You mean we're gonna tell them?

What are you, crazy?

SKIPPY: Things got out of hand real quick.

I believe the ad said 75 a night?

Right.

Wait a minute, we want that room.

I'll give you 80.

Eighty?

Eighty. I'm sorry, sir,

but that's not the way I do business.

Now, you offend me.

The Driscolls were here first, and they should get the room.

Make it 90.

I'm not as offended anymore.

Do something, Jack. I'm not gonna sleep in the car again.

We slept in the car last year for homecoming.

I still have ashtray marks on my neck.

Ninety-five.

Ninety-six. Ninety-seven.

Ninety-eight. Ninety-eight fifty.

Ninety-nine. Ninety-nine.

Wait a minute. Wait just one minute.

This is a big house.

What are we all bidding on one room for?

I mean, there's lots of rooms in this place.

Look, there's only one room for rent. The others are occupied.

(whimpers)

Little girl, do you have a room? JENNIFER: Yes.

Give you a hundred bucks for it.

You got it.

Well, um, I-I have a room.

(guests clamoring)

ALEX: Everything was under control,

but then Dad called to say he was coming home early.

We had to get everybody out. Our guests had other ideas.

Hope you don't mind. I invited a few people.

Uh, as a matter of fact...

(all cheering, chattering)

MAN: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, what are you doing?

We did it. We captured the other team's mascot.

We got the Crawford Kangaroo.

(all cheer)

Do you believe this? They captured the Crawford Kangaroo.

This is a day we will never forget.

I'm home.

(people cheering, chattering)

(cheering)

Hi, Dad. How was your trip?

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

(cheering, chattering)

What is going on here?

Now, Dad, uh,

don't go jumping to any conclusions.

Whoa! Whoa!

MALLORY: Dad was really furious at us.

STEVEN: M-Mallory, I'd rather not talk about it.

Look, do you, uh,

plan on being mad at us for the rest of your life?

(inhales deeply)

That is my plan.

But, Dad, we're your flesh and blood.

Yeah. Yeah, Dad. Re...

Remember how cute we were when we were babies?

Yeah, well, I'm still a baby, Dad.

Will you read me a book, Daddy?

Yeah, Daddy, read us all a book.

(groans)

Look, come on, Dad. Don't go away.

Look...

(sighs)

you always said

that we should talk about these things.

Alex...

(sighs)

parents are conditioned to accept

a-a-a few, uh, minor problems

when they leave their children alone at home.

Spilled milk on the rug.

A broken dish.

There was a kangaroo...

in my living room.

He was just here for the party, Dad.

Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Dad, if you just give us a chance,

we can explain everything.

Oh, can you?

Can you explain

the valet parking in the driveway?

The flashing vacancy sign

in front of the house?

The billboard on Route 41?

ALEX: Look, Dad,

I just... I-I just lost my head, you know?

When the... When the money started rolling in,

I got out of control.

I could... I could smell it.

I could taste it.

I could hear it calling me at night, saying,

"Alex,

at last we'll be together."

Dad, I-I guess you could just say

that I-I kind of became a...

A moneyholic.

Dad, I need help.

Did I miss anything? No.

Yeah, they're moving in for the kill, now, Mom.

I'm being held responsible for everything

except the sinking of the Titanic.

Where were you on that night, Alex?

Admit it, Alex.

You do have a talent for creating disasters

wherever you go.

That's true, but he means no harm.

ALEX: At last,

a lone voice cries out in my defense.

Careful, Mom, they'll go after you.

Does that mean you don't have any Alex stories

to tell me, Mrs. Keaton?

No words to the wise?

I didn't say that.

Oh, Mom, you're my last hope.

Well, do you remember the big fight we had

on your 18th birthday?

(groans) ELYSE: Well, Steven was

on a business trip, and so the girls and I

were gonna take Alex out to celebrate.

But he decided he wanted to go with his friends

to some sleazy bar in West Virginia.

The Camelot Inn is a very elegant establishment, Ellen.

Take you there some night for the hog-calling contest.

Well, I didn't want him to go.

The girls and I had been planning this for a long time,

and I didn't think that he should drive 200 miles

just to go to a bar.

But he went anyway.

ALEX: Neil had set up some dates for us,

but in order to impress them

he had to tell a few small lies.

I'd like you girls to meet

a couple of young Air Force cadets under my charge.

This is Lieutenant Litman.

Ladies.

NEIL: And this is Colonel Keaton.

Uh, how're you doing?

(sighs) GIRL: Hi.

This is a big night for Colonel Keaton, girls.

Tomorrow morning at 0500 hours

he flies his first mission into hostile enemy territory.

Really?

Come on, Neil.

Well, he's exaggerating...

a little.

What do you mean?

Well, it's... It's... It's not my first mission.

I-it's... It's my first solo mission.

Yeah, and I'm goin' with him.

(sighs)

What country are you attacking?

Oh, uh, Canada.

We're not at war with Canada.

(chuckles)

Wait, are we?

Are you scared?

Tell me, Buffy, what place is there for fear

in a struggle whose ultimate goal

is nothing less than the survival of liberty?

I don't know.

So... Hee-hee. Are you scared?

Let me tell you a little story about fear, Buf.

Uh, about a year ago, I'm...

I'm up in my F-14, doing a test flight.

I'm about 70,000 feet up. I had that puppy going Mach 2.

All of a sudden, the fan belt goes out on me.

ALEX: And you know something, any other pilot in that situation

might have felt fear, but, uh,

not this guy. No, sir.

MAN: Uh, Alex.

That's Colonel Keaton.

Uh, I'm sorry. Colonel Keaton, I mean.

What is it?

Your mother's here.

I want you to come home with me.

Excuse me...

(clears throat)

but the colonel happens to be my date.

The colonel?

Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.

Tonight is a big night for him.

Tomorrow morning he's invading Canada.

Oh, I see.

May I have a word with you, please, Colonel Keaton.

Your orders have been radically changed.

Uh, Mrs. Keaton, would you please not tell my mom

that you saw me here?

(mouths): What?

Why is his mother here?

Uh, she probably came down to wish him luck

on his mission tomorrow.

GIRLS: Oh.

You had no right to defy me, Alex.

I want you to leave with me right now.

No, Mom, this is crazy.

Look, we can talk about this later, tomorrow morning.

You're invading Canada tomorrow morning.

Mom, I'm not leaving with you.

No way.

You are coming home with me right now, young man,

and that is final!

(sighs)

Uh, Neil, Doug, ladies,

I gotta go.

Have a safe mission.

(rock song playing on jukebox)

Mom...

ELYSE: The real fireworks started when Colonel Keaton and I

got back home.

He's still out there, Mom.

Is he gonna stay in the car all night?

He'll have to come in for breakfast.

Can't we just put a bowl out by the back door?

(Elyse sighs)

Jen, why don't we...

I'm with you. I'm with you.

Mom.

I made a pact with myself

never to speak to you again.

But I've given myself permission to suspend it... briefly,

because, frankly, Mom, the curiosity is killing me.

How on earth can you possibly justify

doing what you did to me tonight?

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Oh, I know.

I know. You're mad because I disobeyed you.

Well, let me tell you something, Mom.

I only disobeyed you because you were wrong.

Without just cause or provocation,

you denied me permission to do something

I have every right in the world to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure, this is your house.

And as long as it's your house,

I gotta live by your rules.

Well, that used to be true. Not anymore, Mom.

I'm an adult now.

I got 18 years under this belt.

And my life is in my own hands.

Have you anything else to say?

I thought not.

All right, Mom. Okay.

I think I've refuted all your arguments.

Until you are ready to apologize to me,

I am done speaking with you.

Oh, I didn't realize you had started speaking with me.

What is that supposed to mean?

The past two days, Alex, you have complained to me,

grunted at me, lectured to me,

and presented me with ultimatums,

but not once, not...

Not once have you even come close to talking with me.

Semantics.

Okay, Mom. All right. Okay.

Okay, I haven't been very chatty lately.

I haven't been a million laughs.

That is not the issue here.

The issue here is my right to live my own life

without having you try and control it.

You have every right to live your own life.

I'm not trying to deny you that.

O-ho, no?

Oh! Oh, no?

Okay, then why did you drive a hundred miles and humiliate me

in front of half the state of West Virginia?

You had a few hours to kill?

No, Alex, I did it because you defied me.

And even more important than that, I did it

because I was hurt and angry and fed up.

About what?

I've tried starting conversations with you,

only to be politely dismissed.

I've asked you to help around the house and been ignored.

You canceled out dinner plans that I had made

without a moment's thought to my concern in the matter.

I do not enjoy being made to feel like an intrusion

and an annoyance in my own son's life.

Okay, look, Mom, I'm...

I'm sorry that I wasn't more sensitive.

Okay, I guess I should've been.

But I'm not used to thinking that way

when it pertains to you.

I mean, I-I-I think of you as my mother, n-not as a person.

You know what I mean.

Surprise, Alex.

I am a real person,

flesh and blood, real feelings.

And maybe in... In one sense, I was wrong

not to let you go out with your friends.

But if you want me to respect your rights as an adult,

then you'd better start respecting mine.

Okay, I didn't respect your rights,

and you didn't respect mine.

So, uh, how do we figure out

who's right and who's wrong, here?

(sighs)

There is no absolute right or wrong.

I-it's my job, as a parent, to... To set boundaries.

And it's your job to negotiate to change them.

When you were 7 years old we got in an argument

because you wanted to walk to school by yourself.

I remember.

I remember, and, uh,

I was right, and you let me go.

Yes, but I followed you.

And I hid behind trees and mailboxes

to make sure you looked both ways

and you crossed on the green.

Did I?

Yes.

In fact, when a...

Another kid tried to cross in the middle of the block,

you made a citizen's arrest.

Yeah, that was little Timmy Dugan.

I let him off with a warning.

It's unbelievable to me, Alex,

that 18 years ago tonight,

I had a baby boy. Heh.

Me, right?

Ever since that night,

you've been trying so hard to grow up,

and I've been trying so hard not to let it happen.

Well, considering, uh,

we have been at cross purposes, uh,

I think we're doin' all right.

ALEX: Mom, um,

I'm sorry that I've been treating you so rotten lately.

Accepted.

I'm sorry I ruined your dinner.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I had to go to bed early anyway.

I'm attacking Canada in the morning.

Good luck.

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

I love you, honey. I... I...

Ah, Mom,

don't start that stuff.

I love you too, Mom.

(giggles)

Well, that was some night. I'll never forget it.

I'm not surprised.

No one in this family ever forgets anything.

Hey, everybody. Andy's just about asleep.

Do you wanna come up and say good night to him?

ELYSE: Oh, yes.

Let's see that boy.

Oh, um, are you two coming along?

No, we'd better not.

Who knows what incriminating stories

Andy might have to tell Ellen.

So after everything you've heard tonight,

do you, uh, still like me?

Or should I take the calculator back?

Alex, do you really think anything your family told me

came as a surprise?

I didn't exactly think it was common knowledge.

From the very beginning, I knew that there was something

different about you.

Different as in, uh, good? Heh.

Different as in...

they've been a wonderful six months.

I love you.

Happy anniversary. Heh.

I love you too.

Happy anniversary, Alex.

Did you really invest your father's money

in the stock market?

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

( upbeat jazz theme playing)