All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E15

Whatcha got there?

A candle, perfume.
Bra.

Someone's dropping off
a care-package for mom.

Ew. No.

It's the stuff that Sophia
left at my apartment.

Oh, bud.
Oh, bud.

Breakups are the worst.

Man, I just want to
walk up to Sophia,

slap her in the face
and say, "Girl, you messed up."

You need to destroy
that stuff.

You want me to crush
that big box

into a little ball
with my bare hands?

No.

I'm gonna text Sophia
and give her her stuff back.

That way I'll get
to see her again

and hopefully smell
the air around her hair.

That'll make me feel better.
No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you need to
embrace the pain

so you can get through it.

You need catharsis.

Sarge is right.
You need to cathart.

Cathart your brains out.

Cathart all over the place.

That is a great point, guys.

Thank you.

You know who'd
appreciate that a lot

is Sophia, I'm gonna text her.

I'm gonna take
that phone now, Jake.

I'd like to see you try.

Well, you did that very easily.

Look, I understand
that you're trying

to help, but I promise you,
the best thing for me

right now is to text Sophia.

Give me my phone?

Okay.
Thank you.

And... send.

Why hasn't she written back yet?

Uh, this feels terrible.

You two could have stopped this,

but you didn't, you monsters.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

♪ ♪

Hey.

Any idea what this
emergency meeting is about?

Probably about how
all the cell towers

in the city are broken,
and that's why Sophia

hasn't texted me back.

I keep checking my phone
every three seconds, like a loser.

Tread lightly, son.

Jacob...

Have you done
any of the catharting

exercises I gave you?

Well, I don't own a bathtub, so
the first two pages are out.

And it's the middle of winter,

so where would
I dance in a fountain?

Indoor malls, Jake.
Indoor malls.

All right, squad.

Evry year, the Department
of Homeland Security

runs a multi-agency
counter-terrorism drill.

The team from the DOD

had to drop out
at the last minute.

Thanks to our stellar scores

at last year's
tactical village...

Nine-nine!

They want us to fill in.

We are the only
non-federal agency

ever invited to this event.

This is a huge opportunity
and we are going to nail it!

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah!

Charles?
Yeah?

You know what I'm thinking?

Yes, we should
pack grapes for the road.

No.

This drill couldn't
have come at a better time.

I'm gonna throw myself into it

and focus solely
on getting a win,

and not whether or not
Sophia's texted me back.

Which she hasn't,
in case anyone was wondering.

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah!
Nine-nine!

I don't get it.

Santiago, Diaz.

Before you go,
both of you requested

to have this Saturday off,
but I need one of you to work.

Oh, I could take that shift.

Well, last time
you worked a Saturday,

you watched cartoons
the entire time.

Well, that's when they're on.

Work this out
and get back to me.

Sorry.
I can't reschedule.

I have tickets to a TED Talk

on power poses
and getting what you want

by using your body.

Uh-oh.

I hope it doesn't get
too sexual.

"Uh-oh, I hope it
doesn't get too sexual."

Title of your sex tape.

But seriously,
what is taking so long?

Also the title of your sex tape.

Well, I have plans
on Saturday too.

I'm having dinner
with my parents.

So?

You don't even like
your parents.

You call them smiley
morons and hug freaks.

Plans are plans, I'm
a badass, not an anarchist.

I don't buy it.

You know, if you told me
what you were really doing,

I'd consider changing my plans.

But you didn't
so I'm getting Saturday off.

Are you trying to power pose me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm supposed to be
sitting in a chair.

This is why
I need to see the talk!

Captain, is the entire squad
at this dumb field trip?

Yes, they are.

Is there a problem?

Uh, yeah.

You know how I've been
defying all expectations

by going back to school?

I always knew you had it in you.

Can't you just be
blown away by me?

I need someone to take

this personality test
for my Psych class.

I was hoping to wow my professor

with a genuine psycho like Amy,

or Hitchcock, or Charles
would be great.

I'm not a psycho,
but I could take your test.

That would be awesome.

I do need to warn you
that the results

can be... a little unflattering.

It's okay, I'm no stranger
to unflattering test results.

Your blood pressure's normal.

Normal?
Take it again.

I'm not afraid
to have my flaws exposed.

But just to be clear,
though, it is possible

to get a result
that shows no flaws?

I guess.
Good.

Good.
Can't wait to begin.

Sophia text you?

No, it's just a lightly
racist email forward

from my Grandma.

But it doesn't matter.

It's time to cathart.
Check it out.

Windbreaker city.

ATF, Marshals,
ICE, FBI, Homeland Security.

Welcome to the big leagues,
Boyle.

Oh, say that again.

I want to record it
and use it as my ringtone.

Eh.

Hey, there.

Jake Peralta, NYPD.
Pleasure to meet a colleague.

Colleague?
Dude, read the jacket.

Homeland.
We're not on the same level.

Wow.
That was incredibly rude.

No, no, no, no.

I've always admired people

who decided what
they wanted to be

when they were six years old
and never waivered.

Bus drivers, ice cream men.

Princesses.

So when exactly did you decide
you wanted to be a butt?

Was it college?
Law school.

Just wanted to let you know
that I went to law school.

At Butt University?

What are you doing?

I'm standing up for us.

Don't worry about it,
that guy doesn't matter.

All right.
Everybody, take their seats.

My name is Agent Kendrick,
Homeland Security.

And I am in charge here.

Sarge, I was wrong.
He totally matters.

This year's scenario.

Terrorists have stormed
the Capital Trust

bank building and have
taken hostages.

Noice!

Oh, cool trick.

I don't have a ton of free
time to practice high-fiving.

You just made fun
of us for that.

For practicing, that's
the first time we ever tried it.

Here are your assignments.

ATF, you will be our terrorists.

Ooh, that's a rough draw.

Homeland Security, you are
Command Control.

Marshals, Strike Team Alpha.

And NYPD?

Helicopter snipers,
helicopter snipers.

Says here you will be
our hostages.

What?

So you just want us
to lie on the ground

and do nothing, like a bunch
of losers?

Yes, precisely.

No.
Jackpot.

Can you leave me
some wiggle room

so I can check
my phone periodically?

Why? Waiting for your mom
to text?

No, actually, I'm waiting
for a girl who broke up

with me to text.

That's way worse.
Yeah, it's bad.

This sucks.

I just got dumped by a mega-fox

and no one's letting me
shoot a big gun about it.

All right, you know what?
Screw this.

I'm not gonna just sit
here like a loser.

Boyle, free me,
then I'll free you.

We're fighting back.

No, Jake.

We are behaving so we can
be invited again next year.

Sarge, with all due respect,
I am going to completely ignore

everything you just said.

Okay, Charles.

Our hands are tied so we're
gonna have to use our mouth.

Smart.

Wet the tape down with my saliva

until you could slip right out.

No, bite it.
Obviously, bite it.

I don't like it.
Something stinks.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I refuse to mask
my natural musk

with a bunch of chemicals.

Uh, I was talking to Rosa
about her "dinner"

with her "parents."

I am having dinner
with my parents.

Okay, liar.

What restaurant
are you going to?

I don't know,
some Italian place.

Oh, Italian?
Makes sense, Pinocchio.

He's a liar too, and Italian.

I over explained it.

Okay, last question.

What body of water
do you most identify with?

A, lake, B, river, C, ocean.

Oh, they can't be serious.
Of course I choose ocean.

I hate the ocean.

That's where that stuck-up
bitch Rose let Leo die.

There was plenty of room
on that door.

Okay, the computer
is tabulating.

Ohh.

You got category I9 C3 G6.

I9 C3 G6.
Is that as good as it sounds?

You have a robust sense of self

and are well suited
to leadership positions.

Characteristics... strength,
determination, tenacity.

Yes, I suppose that's accurate.

They do call me Tenacious Ray
down at the country club.

Because for the past 10 years,

I've been suing them
for discrimination.

I'm very pleased
with this assessment.

You should be.

I took the test too
and I also got an I9 C3 G6.

What?

We got the same score?

It's just crazy
how accurate this thing is.

Yes.
Crazy.

All right, Sarge.
Now to cut you loose.

No, I'm staying tied up.

I don't care how much
of a jerk Kendrick is.

I want it to be clear
I had no part in this.

No offense, but you are
a huge waste of muscles.

Okay, Boyle.

There's two guards
outside this door.

We need their guns.
You know what to do.

Beat 'em up?

Pretend to be sick
and lure them in here.

Right.
The Charles.

Here we go.

Help!

I need help.
I'm sick.

Is this part of the drill?
What's wrong?

I have Seasonal
Affective Disorder.

What?

It's a serious condition
that affects millions

of Americans.

What the hell?

We're fighting back,
you terrorist crap sack.

Also, thank you
for including us in this event.

You got a partner
outside, right?

Call him in here.

I need help!

Ow.

Shh.
You're dead.

See you later, losers.

Again, opportunity
of a lifetime.

Just a real positive experience.

All right,
we need to distract them.

Do you have anything
I can throw?

I have a dog tag.

Oh, that is bad ass, Boyle.

No... it's an actual tag
for a dog.

Yep.
Molly.

She was my poodle growing up.

Never forget your first.

Your first what?

Dog.

That is never
what people mean by that.

When you get to hell,
say hi to Molly.

What?
Why is Molly in hell?

Cause it sounds cooler
than heaven.

Hiyah!
Both: Aah!

Door kick.
What's up, dude?

Is it lunch time?
Is the drill over?

We're freeing you guys.

Jake, can you hear me?
Is it lunch time?

No, it's not lunch time.
It's 10:30 in the morning.

No wonder I was starving.

Look, we came here to win

and they're not even
giving us a chance.

I think it's fair to say

that no one in the history
of America

has been discriminated
against more.

Buddy. Yeah, that's my B.
Adrenaline talking.

So you guys in?
I don't know.

I don't want to get in trouble.

Oh, wow.
You sound like a real Terry.

Why don't you just
take your shirt off

and make your pecs
bounce around?

Again, the adrenaline.
Don't sue me.

Look, you two are still
arguing about

who gets Saturday off, right?

Highest body count wins.
Done.

I'm gonna vape you
like my e-cig.

Okay, you basically just lost.

Nine-nine, we are
hostages no longer.

You know, I really meant
to rip off the whole thing,

but I say we go with it!

Come with me, hos!

2-1, Diaz.

4-2, Santiago.

Jake, this is great.

I shot a guy in the face.
He is so mad at me.

Nice.

All right, this hallway
is clear.

I think we killed them all.

It's a regular paint bath.

Like bubble bath.
No, like blood bath.

All right, meet in the basement.
Here we go!

Hyah!

Okay, me and Boyle
took down six.

Rosa and Amy got 14.

Hitchcock and Scully?

Were killed immediately.

Yeah, we're dead.

We also disarmed
and captured all these guys,

so is that all the terrorists?

Not quite.

Drop your weapons, everybody.

Drop them right now.
It's over.

You lost.

Drop them now or...

You're dead, crap sack.

All right, Sarge!

You decided to be cool.

I'm always cool.

I also couldn't spend
another second

listening to those ATF
wads bitch and moan.

Leave it to the NYPD
to screw up being hostages.

I thought cops loved to sit
around on their fat asses

all day and do nothing.

That's it.

Whoa!

My ass is not fat!

Kinda sounds like it was just
about your weight issues.

I'm not gonna lie,
that did strike a chord.

But I also didn't like the stuff
they were saying about us.

Look, I'm proud to be a cop.

This drill is over.
Let's get the hell outta here.

Drinks on me!
Nine-nine!

All: Yeah!
Oh, my God, it worked.

Let's go.

And nothing from Sophia.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Um, we're not quite
finished yet.

I know I, for one,
am not done kicking bootay.

Dude, there's no more
terrorists.

No, but there's more
catharting to do.

We can make everyone
regret ever taping us

to chairs in the first place.

Sarge?

It seems unnecessary
to piss everyone off.

I heard one of the Marshals
call you jiggly Jeffords.

What?
Give me another clip.

Now we're talking.
You two are tied, right?

Both: Yeah.

Settle that score.
Jake, what do you say?

Want to go after the Marshals?

And this butt from Homeland?

Get yourself a real win?

I don't know, Boyle.
I mean, they're the good guys.

And that would make us...
the bad guys.

Noice.

So you're in?
Oh, I'm in.

I'm in all the way to hell.

And when I get there,
I'm gonna see your dog, Molly.

Let's go, squad.

That was really unnecessary.

Jake, come outside.
I've got Kendrick here.

Peralta, what are you doing?

You're NYPD, you're supposed
to be hostages.

Supposed to be.

But we rose up
and took down the terrorists.

That's right.
We're the bad guys now.

Is this some sort
of game to you?

Does this sound like a game?

I am a terrorist leader.
My name is Francis Gruber.

My brother, Hans,
died at Nakatomi Tower

at the hands of John McClane.

Also, I'm related to Jeremy
Irons from the third one.

Okay, so it is a game.

Well, I'm not playing.
Drill's over.

Drill's over, boys.
Yeah, that sounds right.

We're not on the same level.

And apparently, you're at
the level that can't handle us.

You trying to goad me, Peralta?

'Cause I'm in charge here
and I don't have

to engage with mall cops.

But I will.

Say it, don't spray it.

I'm in.
What are your demands?

A guarantee that this
drill doesn't end

until one of us is dead.

Also, one large pizza
with fennel sausage.

Brick oven,
otherwise it's sog city.

And Scully needs some Gas-o-nex.

Extra strength.

Chewable!

Okay, so a fight to the death,
pizza and Gas-o-nex.

Chewable!

You have 30 minutes
to meet our demands.

After that, we paint ball
a hostage every 15 minutes.

Got yourself a deal, Gruber.

Get us those demands.
We'll be waiting.

We're not waiting one second.

Those demands were a ruse.

They were?
I really need that Gas-o-nex.

I think there was some
dairy in the cheesecake

that I ate for breakfast.

We're not gonna hang around
like sitting ducks.

We're gonna take
the fight to them.

Like some waddling ducks!

If the waddling was
super fast and cool.

Like some boss-ass penguins.

Yes!

I'm so glad you're back
on our side, Sarge.

Okay, let's destroy
some good guys.

Gina, I was outside on business
and I purchased

a box of assorted sweet treats.

I give you the first pick.

Don't mind if I do.

Curious.

On your personality test,
you said your favorite shape

was a square.

And yet now, when you're given

a choice between round cookies

and square blondies,
you opt for the cookie.

You opt for the circle.

Yes, but it's not about shapes.

I'm choosing a cookie
over a Blondie.

I'm whimsical,
but I'm not a lunatic.

For butter, eggs, flour,
sugar, baking soda,

chocolate, salt, vanilla.

The basic building blocks
are identical.

The only salient difference...
their shape.

You're trying to get me
bumped out of I9 C3 G6.

You don't like that the test
put us in the same category.

That is so rude.

Do you know how many
basic bitches

would kill to have
the same personality as me?

Gina, you know I appreciate
you but you have to admit,

we're not exactly cut
from the same cloth.

Apparently not.

I, of course, am an exotic silk,

whereas you, sir,
are snake skin.

So you can keep your box
of deception and leave me alone.

It's a box of shapes
and it contains only...

the truth.

Fennel sausage.
Jake, they did it!

Balcony's over there.

How many are out there?

Six Marshals.
We're pinned down.

Great, it's over
and we're still tied, 8-8.

What the hell?

9-8.
Saturday's mine.

You said body count,
you didn't say whose body.

Boom!

Power pose.

Ahh!

They got me.
I'm dead too.

Kendrick?
Come out!

It's just you and me.

Okay, okay.
I'm outta ammo.

Be cool.

Well, well, well.
Hello, agent.

You don't actually
have to shoot me.

We can just say that you won.

But I want to shoot you.

No way this is brick oven.

They were playing us, Jake!

Right, you're having a moment.

So.
Any last words?

Just don't shoot me in the face.

I got a date tonight.
I don't want it to puff up.

I'm already 10 pounds heavier
than the picture she saw.

Okay.

Just to clarify,
those are your last words?

Because I'm about to shoot you.

Ow!
What?

No!

Gun taped to the back.

All these Die Hard
references gave me the idea.

I got John McClane-d.

That is so much worse
than any paint ball.

Interesting tactic, detectives.

Show up at your first
inter-agency drill

and mess the whole thing up.

Less of a tactic and more
of a series of incredible events.

And what was the most
incredible event...

when I shot you in front of
all your friends?

I have other friends.
Who?

I knew it was
a dumb idea to invite

the NYPD to a federal drill.

Seriously, man?

You took all our guns, taped us
to a bunch of chairs,

called us fat, and we still took
almost all of you out.

Next year, we're winning
this thing.

Oh, you're not coming next year.

But maybe I'll see you
at the Pentagon Christmas party.

Oh, right.

You guys aren't invited
to those.

Kid Rock was there.
Those are my last words, bro.

Man.
He is just a really bad dude.

Jake, I'm sorry you didn't
get your win.

Are you kidding?

This was a total win.

I haven't checked
my phone in forever.

Now that I've said that,

I do kinda want to
check it, though.

I'm gonna just do it.

No text.

But I'm probably 20 percent
less devastated

than I would have been
this morning.

And that's thanks to you guys.

I catharted.

You catharted hard.

Gina, I've been thinking
long and hard

about what happened yesterday.

Oh, pray tell.

But remember, I'm not at your level
so do speak down to me.

I owe you an apology.

The test was wrong to classify
us both as I9 C3 G6's.

That's a terrible apology
from content to tone.

I meant I don't deserve
to be an I9 C3 G6.

I should be an I9 C3 G4
or an I8 C5 G3,

or even an I7 C7 G8 or I2 C1 G3.

Is this a Rain Man impression?

No.

Those are all personality types
not well-suited to leadership.

Just as I have not been.

A good leader should never
diminish those around him.

It was devastating.
Gina.

You're tenacious, you're strong.

You're a great leader.

And most importantly,
any basic bitch

would be lucky to be like you.

Apology accepted.

Can I have a huge raise?
No.

But I am expanding
your responsibilities

to match your great promise.

You are now in charge
of all scheduling decisions

and budget tracking.

No!
You can do it, trust me.

From one I9 C3 G6 to another.

It's crazy how much
he flirts with me.

Hey, so I told Captain Holt
I'd work on Saturday.

Wait, why?
You one fair and square.

I mean, I murdered you.

That was pretty shady.

Also, it was crazy assertive
and I feel like

maybe I don't actually need
power pose training.

You don't.

Mostly because nobody
needs power pose training.

The dinner with my parents
on Saturday

is to introduce them to Marcus.

What?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't know stuff
was getting that serious.

Yeah. It's very embarrassing
having feelings.

Anyway, thank you.
You're welcome.

Rosa's in love!

Power pose.

Dropping this off
for Sophia Perez.

Oh, no, you don't have
to call her.

I'll just leave it
here with you.

Okay.
Jake?

Hey.
Hi, uh.

Sorry I didn't text you back.

Thanks for bringing my things.

Well, I need to move on

and having this stuff
around makes that difficult, so.

Including this
multi-surface cleaner?

Well, I only bought
that to impress you.

And it worked, so...

All right, well,
I should probably...

get back to arresting bad guys.

Yeah, I should, uh, get back
to proving they're not so bad.

Jake and Sophia.
Enemies for life.

Like McClane and Gruber.

Both: You're the Gruber.

You're the Gruber.

I'll see you in court, Jake.

Okay. Bye.

Tell me if she turns back
for one last look.

She turning?

Did she turn?
Did she turn?

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu