All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E03

Ugh, motorcade duty.

So boring.

I honestly would
rather sit around

and listen to you talk about
the right way to make paella.

There's more than one
right way to make paella, Jake.

There are ten right ways.

You got classic Valencian,
modern...

No, wait, stop.
I changed my mind.

I've made a horrible
mistake.

Hey, Rosa, just who
I was looking for.

Quick question, can I have your
friend Katie's phone number?

I want to ask her out.

No, I don't mix
personal and professional.

You're never getting
her number.

Never like, "we're never gonna
have a black President" never?

'Cause that happened.

A real never.

Like if you ever ask me
about this again,

you're never gonna be able
to eat without a straw.

Yeah, okay, well... you

are on the wrong side
of history, my friend.

Katie, huh?

Wow, I can't believe you're
not still pining for Amy.

I mean, I pine for years.

I still think about Mia,

the nurse that helped
my nana pass.

Yes, I know.

You've told me, like,
a hundred times

about the time
your nana collapsed

and accidentally
pulled Mia's pants down.

Best day of my life.

I don't have feelings
for Amy anymore.

So time for me
to get out there

and spread my w...

Legs.

Get out there
and spread my legs?

Well, e-either way.

No, not either way.
Only wings.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Listen up.

There's been an issue
with the motorcade.

The serbian President
is delayed in Washington,

and we can't start
locking down intersections

until he takes off.

Apparently he's on
an important call

with the Albanian President.

Is that bujar nishani
or is it still bamir topi?

Oh, ames, let me check.

Hmm, it just says
no one likes you.

There's a three-hour delay,
minimum.

Captain Holt and I will have
to leave for a meeting

at one police plaza.

You should all stay
prepped and ready.

Dismissed.

Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.

Three-hour delay
with no Holt or Terry?

Do you have any idea
what this means?

Makeovers.
No, Charles.

The Jimmy jab games!

Yeah!

The first Jimmy jabs
were held in 2008,

when the King of Iraq...

President, Iran.
Armen Jimmy jab.

Ahmadinejad.
Came to New York,

and were on call
for nine glorious hours

in case there were protests.

On that day,
a young genius

named Jake Peralta

used the last piece
of his bagel

to create
the first Jimmy jab event.

The monster mouth
bagel toss.

Oh.

And the rest was history.

As soon as Holt
and Terry leave,

we will commence with
Jimmy jab seven,

circus of fools.

Jimmy jabs...

Jimmy jabs.

Jimmy jabs.
Jimmy jabs.

Jimmy jabs!
Jimmy jabs!

Jimmy jabs!

Seems like we're ready
for our meeting

with Deputy Chief Wuntch.

Is that how
you plan on sitting?

Leaning back like
a matinee-goer?

Madeline will
eat you alive.

That's no better.

Hands folded on your lap
like a pervert.

Sir, what are you
so nervous about?

There's a new drug
in the precinct,

and we need updated
narcotics field kits.

All we're asking for
is $1,200.

How could she
say no to that?

Sergeant, as long as
I'm asking for it,

Madeline Wuntch can say no
to anything.

Ugh, may I?

Those are my tissues,
Raymond.

If you were planning
on sneezing,

you should have
brought your own.

Sir, she's a Deputy Chief.

I'm sure she wants
what's best for the community.

She doesn't care
about the community.

She only cares
about defeating me.

This is war, sergeant.

The war on Wuntch.

Oh, good.
You've named it.

So Jimmy jabs, huh?

What do you say we make it
interesting this year?

Aha! We could play
for Katie's number.

No.

Is this why you wanted
to do Jimmy jabs?

No. Yes.
Why? What gave it away?

You said, "aha"
and snapped your fingers.

Ah.

Oh, you wanna go out
with Rosa's friend Katie?

That's great.
She's cool.

I know, but Rosa
has this dumb rule

about not mixing work
with personal stuff.

That's actually
not a bad policy.

I once gave my aunt
a jaywalking ticket,

and things really
deteriorated between us.

Hmm.
But Jake and Katie

would be awesome together.
I know, right?

She's single.
I'm single.

She's pretty.
I'm pretty.

So it's settled.

If I win the Jimmy jabs,
you give me her number.

And if I lose, you don't
have to give it to me.

I already don't have
to give it to you.

All right,
I'll give you $200,

and I'll never ask you
for another phone number again.

Done.

Hello, Gina.

It's daylight, Boyle.
Why are we talking?

This is an emergency.

I've been filming
my fitness routine

with the precinct camera
to help improve my form.

That's where I got
these tree trunks.

But I realized
that I left the tape

in the camera,
and now it's gone.

Who cares?

Who cares?
Who cares?

You probably will.

Oh, Boyle,
I love that you're trying

to step up
your sex game.

But strength is not
your issue.

Stop humming.

And it does not
turn me on

when you bend over
and back up into me.

Did someone check out
the camera this morning?

Yes, Hitchcock.

And if he sees it,
he will tell everyone.

You need to get
that damn tape.

Okay.
We're off.

You'll get word when
the serbian President

is wheels-up.
You got it, sarge.

We'll just be here
till you get back.

Calmly and respectfully
prepping.

All right,
they're gone!

Ceremonial bagel.

Flask.

Flame.

♪ Jimmy jaaaaaabs ♪

♪ Jimmy jaaaah-aaaah ♪

♪ Aaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah ♪

♪ Ooooh ♪

Let the games begin.

Welcome to
the Jimmy jabs.

We play for pride.

We play for the phone numbers
of Rosa's friends.

But most importantly,

we play to watch Amy lose.

Nope. This is my year.
It's my year too.

Please don't align
yourself with me.

Why not?

Neither of you have ever
come close to winning.

You're exactly the same,

just a couple of santiagos.

But the real prize is
the Winchester 3000,

the only chair
in the precinct

with minimal staining,

good lumbar support,

and no broken rolly-wheels.

Over to you, Gina.

Thank you, Jake.

Okay, guys, as usual,

the loser of each event
is eliminated from the games.

The winner gets a bonus
in the final round.

Our first event is...

"The mouthathon."

In front of you
is month-old Chinese food

from the fridge.

Go ahead and eat

as much as you can stomach.

On your mark,

get set, wahlberg!

Ugh!

I can't do this
to my mouth.

She's the love
of my life.

Charles is eliminated.

Ugh, I think this
ball of soup is off.

I'm out!

I can do this.

I wanna win so bad.

Oh, great. Here, quick.
Let me take a picture.

Oh, that's so cute.

You've got a little bit of mold
on the tip of your nose.

I tried.
I tried, but he's unbeatable.

You guys know
this is free, right?

Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch.

You've aged.

Stay seated.
We can do this out here,

since you've already made
yourselves comfortable.

Sergeant Jeffords,
why don't you just lie down?

I can't sit
any straighter than this.

We're here about a new and
very potent form of ecstasy,

which has surfaced
in our precinct.

Street name,
giggle pig.

Hmm, an embarrassing blight
growing right under your nose.

Not unlike
that moustache you had

when we first met.

That moustache
was era-appropriate.

The precinct just needs

updated field kits

to help us combat
the problem.

This paperwork
is a mess.

A semicolon that should
clearly be a full colon?

Was this prepared
by a recent immigrant?

It's just one typo.

It's gibberish.

Request denied.

Wow.
You were right.

All it took
was one mistake.

You think that semicolon
was a mistake?

No, it was
a juicy piece of bait,

and she unhinged her jaw
and swallowed it whole.

So you wanted her
to say no to us?

Rejecting a valid request
for such a petty reason,

that's all the ammunition
I need to go over her head.

I secretly scheduled us
a one-on-one

with Madeline's boss,
chief fisker.

You wanna hear
the funniest thing ever?

I also split and infinitive,
and she didn't notice.

Hey, buddy.

Did you check out the department
video camera by any chance?

Yeah, I was gonna
take it home

and videotape
the top of my head.

I think I might be
thinning up there.

Cool, cool.

So I accidentally
left a tape in there,

and I want it back.

Why?
What's on it?

Nothing.

I just really need it
for no reason.

Well, if you want
that tape back,

I gotta get something
in return.

Are you blackmailing me?

I don't have
any money, Hitchcock.

I'm still paying
my uncle's funeral bills.

I rear-ended the hearse.
It was a mess.

There's one thing I want,
and it's not that big.

I just want you to make me cool
in everyone's eyes.

Not that big?

The Jimmy jabs has claimed
its first victims.

Boyle, you made no impact.

Also, Detective Scully has
withdrawn due to food poisoning,

which I think
we all saw coming.

All right, the second event
is "bulky bulky run run,"

the bomb suit foot race.

Sure hope I don't sprain
my arm during the face,

'cause I'm gonna be
opening up a lot of doors

for Katie
on our date.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be
a gentleman.

What are you doing, Jake?

Trash talking you,

while simultaneously proving

that I will be
respectful of your friend.

It's a tough line to walk.

Gotta loosen up

my flower-buying fingers.

I'm gonna go nuts
on the daisies.

On your mark...

Get set...

Ruffalo!

Go!

I'm doing it, Charles!

I look cool!

Whaaow!

The next event will be
"keep your cover."

Contestants must craft
an undercover persona

and talk to as many
police officers as you can

before being recognized.

Pregnant.
Nice.

Means ya had sex.

Damn right, I did.
And I forgot my birth control.

Yeah!
Yah!

I think the belly will draw
attention away from my face.

Smart. Like one big boob.
Mm-hmm.

Jake will go first,

then Amy, then Rosa.

On your mark,
get set,

Paul gosselaar!

Please let me
have the tape.

No dice.

I don't know how
to make you cool.

I'm not even
that cool myself.

I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
You have cool friends.

Like Jake.

I just wanna be
part of a conversation

where Jake uses my name
and nobody insults me.

Damn it!
You ask too much.

Ahh.

I blew it.

I only got through
two people.

He's kicking so much.
You wanna feel?

No! That's a bad idea!

Oh, my baby!
It's on the side!

Oof. I got to six.

Dumb baby!

People are right...
They ruin everything!

Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I wanna try.

Let me be pregnant.

Whoop!

Adorable.
Right?

I can't believe
I lost again!

I was so psyched up for this.
What happened?

Well... maybe being
so psyched up is what happened.

Like every time
we're doing police work,

you're always super-smart
and you stay calm

and take your time,

but every time we do
dumb games like this,

you get all frantic
and act like a crazy idiot.

My advice... next time
don't act like a crazy idiot.

Thanks. That's surprisingly
insightful.

Yeah, well, motherhood...

Really opens a man's eyes.

I finally feel as if
I'm part of something

bigger than myself.
All right.

Too much?
Yeah.

Peralta.
What the hell?

Where were you?
I got eliminated.

'Scuse me, officer.

Yes, sweetheart.
Sweetheart?

Seriously, Hank?
Is that how you

talk to women
who come in here?

Jimmy jabs.

I didn't even make it
past one person.

You're out?
I'm in the finals?

And all I have to do
to get Katie's number

is beat Amy?
Oh, that's nothing.

Hey! Don't you dare
touch Amy Junior.

That's right.

It's your baby!

Are you sayin'
I knocked you up?

You sure did!
Jake.

Hmm?
Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure thing.
Hold that.

- Sure.
- All right, Jake...

You wanna call off
the bet?

Seriously?
You're gonna back out now

just 'cause you're losing?

What is this,
a riverboat casino

on the river of no rules?

No. I'm giving you
a chance to call off the bet

because it's clear you don't
actually want Katie's number

because you're still
into Amy.

What? That's crazy.
I just spent the whole day

fighting for
another girl's number.

Tsk. You spent the whole day
flirting with Amy.

Yeah, we're joking around
because we're friends

now that I've moved on.

Then prove it.

Beat Amy and don't flirt
with her at all.

Fine. Easy.
But you better tell Katie

to clear her schedule out
thursday for a date,

'cause I am working nights
until then,

and the following weekend,
I am out of town.

Let's do this!

Hey, Jake.
Question for ya.

When I beat you,

which victory dance
should I do?

This one?

Or this one?

Oh, wow, okay.

Both are examples
of victory dances.

No comeback?

After I burned you
with those moves?

You must be
pretty nervous.

Yep.

Hey, Jake.
Hey, Charles.

Who's this with me?

Hitchcock?

Well, we should go now.

Wow!

What a high!

Do you guys feel
this way all the time?

I did what you wanted.
Give me the tape.

Oh, no,
we're not done yet.

Next, I want you
to tell everyone

you think I'm handsome.

Make it seem natural.

You are a monster!

So they're calling
the drug "giggle pig"?

Chief fisker.

Sergeant Jeffords.
Raymond.

Deputy Chief Wuntch.

I didn't realize
you'd be attending.

I can tell.

You have more of a fly-catching
gape than usual.

I've examined his proposal.

There's no proof that giggle
pig is a serious problem.

So we're just
supposed to wait

until it turns
into an epidemic?

You're like the league
of nations in '36...

Just hoping the abyssinian
crisis resolves itself.

That's the lesson you draw
from the fall of addis ababa?

Raymond,
you sound so naive.

And you sound just like
Victor Emmanuel III.

I have no idea
who's winning.

I am.

Captain Holt,
how serious a threat

do you really think
giggle pig poses?

Very serious.
Or it could be nothing.

Or it could be
the new crack.

The new crack?

And you only need
$1,200 to fight it?

Well, in an ideal
situation,

we would attack the problem
with a lot more fire power,

perhaps even a task force.

That makes sense.
Let's make it happen.

That was amazing!

We got a task force!

More importantly,
Wuntch got served.

Oh, my God.

Wuntch sounds like lunch.

Now, this opens up
so many new avenues...

You got your
task force.

I'm surprised.

That's funny, after 20 years,
I'd think you'd be

used to me
slam-dunking in your face.

I'm surprised you didn't see
what was going on in there.

I got you riled up,
you oversold giggle pig,

and now you're running
an expensive task force

in a time of budget cuts.

You better make
some big arrests... and quick,

or you'll be the poster boy
for departmental waste.

Slam dunk... returned.

Not if we make those
arrests.

3-point dunk.

You guys really don't know
enough about basketball

to be doing this.

Join hands, one and all,

for we have reached
the final event

of the Jimmy jabs...

the obstacle course.

Good luck.
You're gonna need it.

Yes. We all need luck.

Thank you
for offering me some.

On your mark,

get Seth...

- Rogen!
- Go, Amy!

Contestants must make it past
the barricade hurdles

then use a bean bag gun
to get a snack.

Ah!

You will eat the snack
in its entirety.

Ah!
Mmm!

Come on...
Close, close, close, close!

Ah!
Ugh!

Next, head down
to the first floor

where you will locate
a pamphlet about bullying.

Then print out
a picture of me

using a laptop from 1982

whoever grabs their printout
first is the winner!

Aah!

Surprise twist!

Aah!

What are you doing, Santiago?

Go!

Aah! You're burning my skin!

No broken rolly wheels!

I did it!
I took my time,

I wasn't a crazy idiot,
and I won!

I finally ♪ wo-on ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yes! Ye...

What's going on here?

Someone answer him
now!

Santiago!

Peralta!

Boyle?
Hitchcock is very handsome.

Why, thank you, Boyle.

No one has anything
to say?

Captain, what you just saw
was the Jimmy jab games.

It's a bunch of dumb contests
we play to kill the time.

Nobody even cares who wins.

I won!

It's stupid, but we like it.

Clean this up. Now.

Boyle, I'm ready to take
this to the next stage.

You're gonna pierce
my ear... wait.

What are you doing
in my locker?

I can't do this.
I can't make you look cool.

Because you're afraid
that Jake and I

are gonna cut you out.

Well, you're not wrong.
I'm gonna find that tape.

You think I'd just leave

something that valuable
lying around?

I got it on me.
Oh!

Gimme that tape!

Ah! Gimme that tape!

Jake! Help me!

Ugh! Ah!
Uhh! Ugh!

The serbian President's plane
is wheels up.

Report to your motorcade
positions immediately.

Let's go!

Hey, you gave it
a good try.

Sorry you lost.

No. It's for the best.

I let Amy win.

Close, close, close, close!

Ah!
Oh!

You're right.
I'm not over her.

Boyle, get out.
I need to talk to Jake.

Okay. Bye!

I warmed up the seat.

Ugh, he did warm up
the seat.

It's like a fire pit.

Look, if you're here
for your $200,

can I interest you in a check
that will definitely bounce?

No. You will pay me in cash.
Ok.

Look, I thought
I was over Amy,

but clearly I'm not,
you know?

I'm as frustrated
as you are.

I'm not frustrated.

But I am not
enjoying this.

It is not like you
to get hung up on a girl.

I don't know what to do.

You call Katie.
That's what you do.

Only way to move on
is to move on

whether you think
you're ready to or not.

Gotta get out there, man.

All right.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Are you okay, sir?

I don't want to sound
dramatic,

but today has been
sub-optimal.

That doesn't leave
this office.

Muntch beat me.

The squad was a disaster.

And in the end, you know
who I'm angriest with?

Yourself?
No. Muntch.

I need this task force
to succeed,

and there's not
a Detective here

who's adult enough
to lead it.

Peralta and Santiago
were cowards,

Diaz was disrespectful,

and I just saw Hitchcock
and Boyle

fighting like children.

Get off...
Get off me!

Hitchcock...
Gimme that tape!

You're squeezing my boobs!

Sir, I know you think
Rosa disrespected you,

but I found her inspiring.

She did what
I should have done...

Stand up and tell you
the truth.

And what truth is that?

First, everyone else

made this Wuntch-lunch
connection instantly.

Second,
Wuntch didn't beat you.

She saddled me
with this task force.

You think she's consumed
with pettiness?

You're no better.

Yes, the task force
is risky,

but it gives us a chance
to do a lot of good

in the community.

Sir, if you ask me,

you're acting like a real
Victor Emmanuel III.

You used that insult
completely incorrectly.

But...

I suppose I have let
Madeline... distract me

from our purpose.

Which is why I think Rosa
should lead the task force.

There's no B.S. with her.

Agreed.

Thank you, sergeant.

And... I know you were lying
about that Wuntch-lunch thing.

That was mine.

How was the motorcade?
Any assassinations?

No. It was boring.

Mmm. Well, thanks for
getting the tape back.

Oh!

Oh, guys! Oh!

I'll see you tonight
at my place?

God, I hate you.
Don't be late.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu