Original subtitles

Hey!

And she was lying in the grass.

Ah, damn it.

And she could head the highway breathing.

And she could see a nearby factory.

She's making sure she's not dreaming.

See the lights of a neighbor's house.

Now she's starting to rise.

Take a minute to--

Billy?

Concentrate.

And she opens up her eyes.

Billy?

Billy?

I need you to move your car, and I need you to pay your rent.

Billy, I need you to--

To get a job, I know.

I'm back there writing very funny stuff,

but no one's paying me.

Yeah, join the club.

Well, what's got you on edge?

I have a pitch at Olympus Pictures.

- Can you believe it? - Impressive.

Yeah.

But I really mean it about the rent stuff.

I can't cut you anymore slack.

I need the money.

You look great.

Good try, won't work.

Move it.

Better put your top up.

It's supposed to rain.

Yeah, right.

You know it never rains in California.

Moving into the universe,

and she's moving this way and that,

not touching the ground at all, and she's up above the yard.

Hey baby, nice lips you got there.

You want something to do with them?

You want to plant one on me just for practice, honey?

You one of those Hooters girls?

Oh, no, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ahh.

Bitch.

No doubt about it.

She isn't sure about what she's done.

No time to think about what to tell

him, no time to think about what she's done, and she was.

Oh, for God's sake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ow.

And she was looking at herself.

And things were looking like a movie.

And she had a pleasant elevation.

Oh, Ms. Langdon, how you doin'?

How you doin', Piv?

I don't think I've ever seen you

with the top up on this car.

I don't think I've ever seen that.

Oh, yeah, well, this rain.

You know what you need to do? You know what's hot?

It's bad weather, it's bad weather.

That's right.

You need to write a script about global warming.

That's what you need to do.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Good to see you.

You too.

Be good.

The world was moving.

She was right there with it, and she was.

And she was.

Hey, hey, hey, and she was.

Your script was good.

It's just not the kind of film we make here.

Oh, because, you know, Steve has

a track record that's pretty--

Steve doesn't run the studio anymore.

What?

Since when?

He was fired last night.

That's awful.

Who's replacing him?

Lev Jordanson.

Lev Jordanson?

Isn't he head of accounting or financing

or something like that?

Your, uh, agent didn't send me your current writing credits.

Uh, would you like to take me through them?

Sure.

Um, OK.

There's "Gina's World."

It was 1987, right?

Right.

Ugh, horrible year.

I started kindergarten and my brother was born.

Rough.

Yeah.

OK, there was "The Countess of Brooklyn,"

of course, nominated for an Oscar, poster in your hallway.

Right, vintage Hollywood.

Love them.

Uh, your agent said you had something to pitch.

Yes, I do.

OK, impress me.

All right.

So, a devout Catholic hit man, being a good soldier,

decides to take the murder rap for his boss.

Sorry, I-- I gotta--

I gotta take this call.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Ginger?

Hi.

Oh, fine, crazy busy.

Listen, I'm out of creamy chamomile.

You think you can put me up a few ounces?

'Cause dry skin's back in town.

OK, great, I'll have a messenger come pick it up.

Thanks, Gin.

You're the best.

Ciao.

My facial consultant.

When the Santa Anas blow in, they so mess up my complexion.

So, yeah.

All right, anyways, so he gets a life sentence.

Now--

Wait, who does?

The innocent hit man--

Catholic?

Devout Catholic?

Right.

So 30 years passes.

He's released from prison.

At this time, he's about 60.

So he decides he's going to turn state's evidence.

The FBI needs a safe house to keep him in until the trial,

so they put this devout Catholic into a Jewish retirement

village.

A Jewish retirement village?

Sounds a little too ethnic for us.

You-- by ethnic--

You don't mean too Jewish, do you?

It's always a tough sell.

And another problem, your hero is too old.

No, Stacy, come on.

You're not saying that your young demographic can't

identify with someone older?

I mean, I'm assuming they all have parents

and grandparents, right?

Well, yeah, but I don't think they want

to see them like carry a movie.

"Bridges of Madison County" did very well,

and "Meet the Fockers" was a huge hit.

And Stacy, each one of those Fockers was over 45.

It's about putting bodies in the seats-- bodies that are

between the ages of 14 and 28--

Young bodies that see the same movies over and over,

and then buy the DVD, and then play the video game,

and buy the soundtrack.

Yeah, well, you know, instead of putting

it in a retirement village, hell,

let's set it in a high school.

Yes, we are always looking for high school projects.

But we like to give those to writers

who are a little more like--

Closer to that age.

Yeah, here's the deal, Stacy--

When we get older, we don't get dumber.

We start out stupid, and then get smarter.

Sorry, your idea is just not our cup of tea.

But thank you so much for coming in.

Oh, you know, Stacy, you wouldn't

know a good idea if it bit you in

that tight little teenaged ass.

I refuse to dignify that with a response.

Yeah, well, that's because dignity

is about as foreign to you as a set of real boobs.

And I'm 24.

Ugh.

Byrdie?

Is that you?

Oh, hey, Steve, yes.

Um, I-- I just dropped my lipstick down here.

Sorry to hear about you.

One of treacheries of running a studio--

Hired to be fired.

Yeah.

How about Andrea?

- Fired too. - Ugh.

But I'm hoping that when I land a new job

that she'll be coming with me.

Yeah.

- How are you doing? - Me?

Oh, well.

I-- I'm-- I'm doing great.

Thank you.

Good.

I always enjoyed reading your scripts.

It's just, uh, I haven't seen anything for a while.

Yeah, well, you know, sometimes

it's tough to get it past the palace guards to the emperor.

Sorry.

Well, maybe I'll be emperor again somewhere else soon.

From your lips to God's ears.

Thank you.

- Um, nice seeing you. - You too.

Good luck, Steve.

Yeah, you too.

Good afternoon, PTA?

Good afternoon, PTA?

Good afternoon, PTA?

Excuse me?

Miss?

Miss?

Byrdie?

I haven't seen you in--

You can't go in there.

Marty's in--

Uh-- Ed, I'll call you right back.

I just had my career judged by a prepubescent cheerleader.

Good bye, Cheryl.

What do you have for me next, Marty?

Pitching a fetus?

I mean, what do these guys do, stick

scripts up these kids' asses the second

they pop out of the womb?

Are you finished?

Yes, according to Ms. Congeniality, I am finished.

So I heard.

She called.

She didn't sound too pleased, either.

Oh.

You know what I had to do to get you this meeting?

Oh, please, what is it now, a mercy meeting?

No.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, this is pathetic.

I actually think that this may be

the best script I have ever written,

and she dismissed it in 10 seconds.

She is an idiot.

OK, Byrdie, but you know what else?

This is the first script you've finished in three years.

You know, you fell out of the loop.

This studio has produced two of my movies.

But things change.

People turn over.

You know, the new ones don't know your work.

I was nominated for an Oscar.

That was 21 years ago.

And the rumors?

What rumors?

Oh, no, no, no.

I am on the wagon.

I am so on the wagon that I am driving the freaking wagon.

You and I both know that this is not about me

calling some bitch a bitch.

This is about age discrimination.

Yeah, well, and you're not the only one, OK?

You know, I'm fighting to keep my job.

Marty, you are a founder of this agency.

Yeah, well, you tell that to those young minnows

out there circling me like sharks.

Well, then what the hell am I supposed to do?

I mean, do I really have to get my face yanked back

like I live in a wind tunnel?

No, no, but you know what?

Next time you talk about your credits,

just-- just lop off everything before 1990.

You know, oh--

Uh-- I need a job, so I will be good.

So I will be a very good little writer.

And I need you to be a good little agent

and just get me some meetings, you know, with people over 12,

if they exist?

Legitimate meetings.

OK.

Bye.

OK, I'll make barely noticeable incisions

under your chin and in the contours of your ear.

OK, you won't really be able to see them?

Oh, no, no, it's right in the contour.

OK.

Like so.

Hmm.

Wait, no, that looks like a slash from ear to ear.

No, no, no, that's just the diagram.

- Don't worry. - All right.

And then once the face is lifted away from the skull--

Wait, excuse me, did you just say face

lifted away from the skull?

Well, yes, well hang on here.

There.

Oh, for God-- What, you just ripped

her face right off of her--

But then the skin is stretched just far enough

to achieve the desired look.

Which is, hey, I've just seen a ghost?

No, no, no.

You'll look startled for the first three weeks,

and then voila, no more wrinkles.

No, relax.

I've done thousands of these.

You'll look fabulous.

Oh, OK.

Um-- I'm just going to use the powder room just for a minute,

OK?

Oh, sure, it's down the hall, first to your right.

Oh, I'm just going to take this with me in case

there's a sprinkler malfunction in the ladies room.

I'm so glad you came, sis.

Me too.

It's one of the few places I can go where I'm not

the oldest person in the room.

Byrdie, uh, nice to see you.

Hey, Gloria.

You look fabulous.

See?

I love it here.

What can I get you to drink?

Uh, let's see, nothing alcoholic.

I'll just get some red wine.

OK, I'll get it.

So, sis, how's work?

Busy?

Peter, this is a party.

We don't need to talk about work.

Speaking of work--

Peter.

I just want to remind you to send

me your invoices and receipts so I

can get a start on your taxes.

You'll have a very easy time on my taxes this year,

because all my invoices piled up will fit right in your pocket.

So not a good year.

Not so much.

Byrdie, you might want to start thinking

about, well, moving on.

You mean dying?

No, of course not.

You know what I mean.

I do know what you mean, Peter, because you're

very serious Peter.

Byrdie, I'm just trying to--

Somebody lied and told me there's

- a party going on in here. - Oh, look who's here?

- Oh wow. - Jason.

- Hey. - Oh, come-- hurry up.

Oh, I'll hurry so you can hug me.

My mom's losing her mind.

- She's going crazy. - Oh.

Still pulling my coat off. You remember Chloe, right?

- Yes, hi. - Look at you.

Hi, dad.

Hello, son.

This is Aunt Byrdie.

Aunt Byrdie, this is Chloe.

Hi, how are you?

Very nice to meet you.

Well-- come on.

Yeah, yeah, no, thanks for pointing out the obvious.

How's work?

It's good.

It's all about 15 units per month.

Mostly high-end, seven series, five series.

Last week I won the sales contest.

Wow, you know, my nephew, a born salesman.

Speaking of which, you really should

let me upgrade you out of that junker into a brand new Beamer.

I guess I could change my image if I was in a new Beamer.

You want a leaser?

I want a loaner.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, speaking of which, you want to see

- my fancy new business cards? - Sure.

You ready for this?

Pretty fancy.

Jason Krueger?

What, the family name is not good enough for you anymore?

Car salesmen always use aliases.

Oh, yes, so you can stay one step ahead of the lynch mob.

It's from my favorite movie when I was a kid,

"Nightmare on Elm Street."

Yeah, I get that.

Lead character was Freddy Krueger.

Freddy?

People love it.

I get it.

I would cut off my left nut to be in your business.

Hm, don't start chopping.

It's a really rough business.

And if everybody could do, don't you think everybody

would be a freaking writer?

Come on, it's all the same.

You're selling cars.

You're selling movies.

It's all about bells and whistles.

Hm, you got me there.

Automobile.

And that's why people are buying these SUVs, because they don't

want to get run off the road.

You know, you've got to think about this.

Up in the power position, looking down

on all the midgets and their outdated midget mobiles,

you know what I mean?

I mean, you listen to music, right?

Yes.

You don't listen to music on cassettes.

You don't watch movies on videotapes.

This is just the next generation in safety--

A zillion airbags surrounded by a cushion of air.

Well, I hadn't thought about it like that.

Ah, what about gas consumption?

Oh, that's a good question.

Let me grab this real quick first.

Krueger here.

Hey, Sal, how are you?

No, no, the sun roof is completely optional.

Really?

Are you kidding me?

Your wife could have quintuplets and there

would still be plenty of room back there for a marching band.

Dinner will be ready in five minutes.

Yeah, coming quick.

All right, buddy.

There is nothing sexier than a tiny woman in a big car.

All right, listen, I'm gonna give you my card.

You're going to stop by the show room.

Absolutely no pressure, just come look at it.

All right, thank you.

Good to see you, Amy.

You too.

You always have your phone ready

while you're making a pitch.

So you were--

Talking to myself.

Splendid.

That twit Stacy Herskowitz told me Steve had been fired.

Yes, but now he might be going over to Monolith.

Hmm, and he's promised to take you with him?

Right.

How did you know that?

Ah, because I've been around forever.

In fact, I am now so old and so unhip,

I'm no longer a productive member of society.

That is so unfair.

Your films are an inspiration to people like me.

Andrea, I wouldn't let anyone in this town hear you say that.

It just pisses me off.

You should be an executive, not morons like Stacy Herskowitz.

I would love to be.

Steven promised to promote me a year ago,

but it never happened.

And now if I'm going to move to Monolith,

I'm sure it's going to be back to square one.

No, no, when you get to Monolith,

you've got to stand up for yourself.

You've got to say, I am mad as hell

and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Someone already said that.

Yeah, well, it won him an Oscar,

even though he was dead by then.

Why didn't you ever have kids?

Oh, because I had my ovaries bronzed.

They hang from my view mirror.

Besides, to do that, you have to have

one of those sperm injectors.

What do they call them?

Men.

Well, what about adopting?

A child?

God, but I could adopt an adult. I could adopt you.

I'd be very generous with you, and I wouldn't have screwed

you up during formative years.

I love your hair.

That is a mercy compliment.

No, I-- it's very pretty.

I am being just a little bit victimy.

Pity party of one.

Pity party of one.

The skin was softer than it should be for a man his age,

and his eyes deep and sad.

He reached for his glass and cradled it in his hand,

sharing his warmth with the sun and releasing the earthy aroma

of his favorite drink.

What?

Get out of here.

So, are there any questions so far?

Nothing.

Well, if anyone does have a question, uh--

Um, I-- I do.

I have a question.

Yes?

How old was Ernest Hemingway when

he wrote "A Farewell to Arms"?

Well, that's not exactly the kind of question

I was expecting.

But yeah, I happen to know that.

He was 30.

How did you know that?

Let me see, uh--

Oh, yes, I have a PhD in English Literature and I teach at Yale.

Whoa, fancy pants.

I'm sorry, you are?

I am Byrdie Langdon.

And you-- you are author Ray McDeere.

Byrdie Langdon the screenwriter?

Yeah.

I know your work.

Yes.

I mean, I've written things.

I mean, I've never written anything like, you know,

"A Farewell to Arms."

I mean, I never wrote anything like that.

I wrote sort of crap--

Well, I mean, it's not crap.

But anyway, I'm really sorry I interrupted.

And now, I'm going to be going.

Where are you going, Byrdie Langdon?

Well, I have a pressing engagement with my Uncle Jack.

Yes, I happen to be well acquainted

with Mr. Daniels myself.

Then I will give him your regards.

And I will be stealing your book.

I'll pay for the book.

Hey Byrdie, it's Marty.

I got you a legitimate meeting.

Call Cheryl for the details.

Looking out the window I see, la, la, la,

la, la, somebody I don't know.

I've been waiting so long to see,

la, la, la, la, la, for this moment to arrive.

Oh, and I'm still here, hey, yeah, I'm still here,

I'm coming loud and clear, yeah, I'm still here.

My films are my children.

26 babies have come from these loins.

Very virile.

And most have gone directly to video.

Oh.

And I'm always looking for new writers.

Well, good.

So when do we get started?

This would be the third in my trilogy of decap films.

Excuse me?

Decapitation.

Have you written any female decap movies?

No, no, I can't say that I have.

Now, male decap movies, that's-- That's where my heart is.

Good afternoon, PTA?

Hold on, please.

Excuse me, Miss?

Miss?

It's that same woman again.

She just blew right past me.

Uh, you can't go in there.

Decap movies, Marty?

Is that what I'm reduced to?

You're not Marty.

What-- where the hell is Marty?

New Guinea, at their film festival.

New Guinea has a film festival?

I didn't even know they had electricity.

Sorry, Byrdie Langdon.

Ah, Richard Fleiss.

So why are you in Marty's office?

Actually this is my office now.

See, we divided up Marty's clients, and I got you.

Well, that's really flattering,

but if you don't mind, I'm going to stick with Marty.

He's been my agent for 15 years.

Yeah, Marty is being phased out.

Phased out?

You mean like last month's computer software?

Stuff happens.

He's had a good run.

So have you.

Oh, I'm phased out too?

It's a natural progression, the circle of life--

Someone dies, someone's born--

"Lion King."

Good one.

I've got-- I've got one too.

You can't just eat the orange and throw out the peel.

You know where that's from?

The Tropicana commercial?

Close it's from a little play called

"Death of a Frickin' Salesman."

Yeah, heard of it.

Never saw it.

Isn't that early Dustin Hoffman?

Richard, if stupidity was pee, you would be a urinal.

Hey, let's not get bitter here, OK?

Age impairment is not a crime.

You still have the rest of your life to enjoy.

Point taken.

Good.

Ah!

What did you do that for?

For everybody over 40.

You know this, uh--

This is tough for me, but I love her so much.

Ever since they removed her brain tumor, I--

I can't talk to her.

I get around her and I'm tongue tied.

I say all the wrong things.

I can't be like you, Mr. Smooth with the ladies.

Call her on the phone.

I'll tell you what to say, and you'll say it.

She'll fall in love with you and never know

it was my words drew her in.

That's great.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because Cyrano de Bergerac already dead.

Yes, the answer is yes. Absolutely.

I'm flattered.

Who-- I mean-- but why me?

Because you're cute, and you're 25,

and you can charm the pants off a nun.

All right, that's true.

But nobody knows me.

How am I going to get my foot in the door?

OK, this is your ticket.

"Father and Son"?

Never heard of it.

Yeah, but have you ever heard of "Kramer vs. Kramer"?

- No. - No?

Why are we eating here?

Isn't this place a little budget?

Because I wanted to be away from people in the business,

plus I'm poor.

OK, "Kramer vs. Kramer" just happens to be one of the best

screenplays ever written.

And I have taken the liberty of changing

only the names of the characters and the title,

thus "Father and Son."

It will no longer be written by Robert Benton.

It will now be written by, God help me, Jason Krueger.

Hey, that's me.

Good.

So the plan is, I send this script on your behalf

to a Ms. Stacy Herskowitz, and this

will be your writing sample.

Wait a minute, so what if this Stacy what's her face

recognizes the story?

She won't.

She has similar tastes in movies to you.

I'm pretty sure that's condescending.

So what if this Stacy lady calls your agent and asks about me?

Believe me, if the studio's interested in you,

Richard Fleiss will have his face so far up your ass

he'll say hello to your lunch.

OK, so what do I do if this Richard Fleiss guy calls me?

No, you don't pick up the phone.

You need to make him squirm for a while.

It'll make you more valuable.

All right, and then what?

And then after they have read you brilliant script,

they will, of course, pass on it, because it's good.

And they don't like things that are good.

But Stacy will call you into her office,

and she will want to hear any of your other swell movie ideas.

OK, yeah, I don't have any.

I know.

I do.

That is the whole point of this conversation.

OK, focus.

- Come on, Casanova. - No, I mean it.

I love it.

So what happens if we sell a script?

And then I write it and you put your name on it.

So what's in it for you?

- Revenge. - Revenge.

And money.

We split it right down the middle, 70-30.

You're only going to take 30%?

You're funny.

OK, so pitch is--

Byrdie Langdon?

Oh, hey, Ray.

That's right.

- How are you? - I'm well.

You?

Yeah, I'm fine, fine.

Uh, this, uh, this is my-- my niece, Molly.

Yeah, oh, his niece.

And this is my-- this is my nephew, Jason.

Your nephew, right.

And how is your uncle?

- My uncle? - Jack.

Oh, that uncle.

Oh, he-- he's great.

He sends his regards.

Molly has been, uh, showing me all the Hollywood hot spots.

I bet she has.

Oh, she-- she has, actually.

Yeah.

Uh, do you mind if we--

- Mind if we join you? - No, of course.

You know, we are just leaving because we

have a script meeting, but, um, but you know,

why don't you take our spot?

It's pretty crowded in here.

Ray, good to see you.

- It's great to see you too. - Thank you.

- Jason? - I just--

OK.

And, uh, nice to meet you.

You're a very lucky little niece.

Yeah.

- We're leaving. - Jason.

All right.

Well, I guess we'll sit here.

OK, so let's start again.

Pitch is 50-year-old fashion designer.

She used to be the hottest game in town.

And she, oh, by the way, still has more talent

in her little pinky than the rest of those hot shots

have in their entire ass.

Anyway, she can't get hired because of her age.

So she plucks this smart, sexy, beautiful black girl

out of the ghetto and she fronts for her designs.

So it's exactly like what's happening to you.

You think, Jason?

Uh huh.

God.

All right, so anyway, write what you know.

That's my motto, write what you know.

It's very clever of you to put it in the fashion industry

instead of Hollywood, because there's no sense in biting

the hand that feeds you.

That hand's been starving me for years, Jason.

So if you were the over-the-hill fashion designer,

I guess that makes me the very young, attractive,

and sexy black ghetto chick.

Holla.

So I have a question for you.

Yes.

Who's the guy back at the cafe?

I don't know, just some guy I don't really even know.

Some guy you don't really know?

- No. - So you didn't know him?

No, I don't.

I mean, like, hey, hey, I know him like that.

I don't know him.

So why were you so quick to get away from him?

I wasn't quick.

- Oh, you were a little quick. - No, I wasn't quick.

- Kind of scurried off. - I wasn't quick to get away.

- We were leaving. - Really?

- Yes. - Why were you blushing?

Come on, he was with his niece.

I know.

She was cute.

- Yeah she was. - Hmm.

- What? - Nothing.

- What? - You love him?

What?

You want to smooch him.

I don't want to smooch him. I don't--

You totally want to smooch him.

I want to slap you.

Hi, uh, Jason Krueger, writer, here to see Stacy Herskowitz.

OK, hold on one second.

Cool.

Test us.

You'll be put in an urn, and head home afterwards

to watch as the world turns.

OK, you're going to want

to take a left here, and then follow

the directions to back here.

All right, cool.

Thank you.

Uh, have a good one, man.

You too.

Is it OK if I sit here?

No, of course, of course.

Make yourself comfortable.

So, Jason, Richard raves about you.

Richard?

Your agent?

Oh, right, my agent.

Of course, yes, yeah, no, he's, uh, he's great, huh?

Oh my gosh, I have so much respect for him.

Who doesn't?

Oh, oh, sorry about that.

It's just been really busy lately.

I usually put it on vibrate, but I just tend to get too excited.

Oh.

I'm sorry about that.

Perhaps that was too much information.

Jason Krueger, where have you been hiding?

"Father and Son" is a terrific piece of writing.

Wow, thank you very much.

I mean, it needs work, of course,

but it just touched my heart.

Well, it's kind of true.

Sadly enough, my mom actually split when I was,

uh, when I was six years old.

Oh, that is so sad.

No wonder your characters are so finely drawn.

Well, I can only write from life experience.

You know, otherwise it just--

It feels dishonest.

Yes.

I wish more writers felt that way.

Unfortunately, "Father and Son" isn't right for us.

The father is too old and the son is too young.

Our key age demographic won't relate.

But if you have anything else you'd like to pitch,

I'm all ears.

Stacy, do you know how many kids our age

come from broken homes?

No, I don't.

Just think about it.

What about your, uh, what about your friends?

What about your colleagues?

I guess quite a lot.

What about you?

The divorce rate among baby boomers is over 50%, Stacy, 50.

We are the children of those baby boomers.

That means that half of us have lived through that misery.

You want to talk about key demographics?

Stacy, you and I are those key demographics.

Hello?

Hey, Byrdie, it's Jason.

What are you doing?

You were supposed to call me after your meeting.

Yeah, I've been a little tied up.

What are you talking about?

Why are you whispering?

Where are you?

I'm in Stacy's apartment.

I don't even want to know why.

I closed the deal.

What do you mean?

You sold the pitch?

No, I didn't have a chance to pitch the new idea.

I sold the script.

What script?

"Father and Son."

Isn't that awesome?

God, no.

No, Jason, this is not awesome.

What are you talking about?

What's wrong?

Why the hell did you do that?

What do you mean? That's what I do.

I sell things.

I thought you'd be happy about this.

Jason, this script is word-for-word "Kramer vs.

Kramer."

You can't sell it.

It's already been sold, and shot, and released.

It's my mom.

And it was a huge hit.

For God's sake, you watched the damn movie you crackhead.

So yeah, I watched it.

I mean, I just-- but it's--

I thought they did remakes.

You know, it's-- it's all they seem to do is remakes.

They are not going to look at this as a remake.

They will call this stealing.

Studios don't look kindly upon stealing.

Are you familiar with the term massive lawsuits?

OK, so what do we do?

We?

What do we-- frick.

Just-- Byrdie?

Byrdie?

Byrdie?

God.

Stacy, Stacy, Stacy, Stacy.

Morning, Stacy.

Richard?

Jason.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Oh, a hug. - Yeah.

Awkward.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, Jason Krueger in the flesh.

All right.

All right, you should return calls, dude.

I was getting a little worried there.

I didn't know if you actually existed.

I exist. Here I am.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, uh-- did we hook up at that industry

Q and A over at UCLA?

Yeah, that was the UCLA, the Q and A.

Yeah, yeah, no, I knew.

I was on the panel.

You came up afterwards, asked me to read your script,

just like everybody else.

But you, killer script, bro.

Wow.

Um, thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, uh, you have a copy for me?

I thought you just said that you read it.

Yeah, no, no, I did.

I-- uh, yeah, of course I read it.

But then, you know, my assistant, you know, lost

it by mistake, threw it out.

Hah, anyway, my phone has been ringing off

the hook because every studio in town wants a piece of your ass.

Just send me in the right direction.

You like the Lakers?

Do I like the Lakers?

I love the Lakers.

When the Lakers lose, I can't sleep.

So I've got tickets tomorrow night, court-side.

- You in? - Am I in?

Are you kidding me?

I'm already there.

Yeah, dude.

- Now we're talking. - Yeah.

Hang on to those for me.

All right.

Hey, listen, I'm negotiating your deal

over at Olympus Pictures.

Let me tell you right now, they try to play hardball,

I'm going to shop your script around town so

fast their heads will explode.

Yeah, listen, about the script,

it's already spoken for.

Say that again?

Olympus can't have it.

I already sold it to another studio.

You're busting on me, right?

No.

- Who? - Who?

That's a-- that's a good question.

Thing is, I can't tell you, because it was was

part of the purchase agreement, kind of like a gag order,

you know?

Damn.

But that's what I wanted to talk

to you about, because I need someone to take the heat for me

with Stacy. So--

Damn.

Unless you don't want to.

I can get other agent to do it if you don't want to.

Hey, hey, stand down, bro.

I'm there for you, OK?

You and me.

OK, all right.

I knew I could count on you.

You want to know why?

Because you're a salesman.

Right, huh?

If you've got something they want and they can't have it,

they'll buy anything else in your bag just

to keep you close.

And do you have anything else?

Dude.

Dude.

Stephanie, the poor black girl from the ghetto,

stands at the podium, accepting the Coty Award for Fashion

Designer of the Year.

We cut to the big finish.

Stephanie's outside of Barbara's door,

handing the trophy over to the rightful owner, the person who

actually designed the winning gown, the person, who because

of age discrimination, had to go underground and have

a younger woman front for her.

Barbara is overcome, unable to speak.

Fade to black.

What do you think?

That was terrific.

I can't even speak.

I swear, Lev, it took my breath away.

It's not often you can make your audience laugh

and cry during the same movie.

Exactly.

And I just love how this dynamic woman

puts one over on the jerks to put her out to pasture.

No surprise, Jason is the next big thing.

I'm going to make this my first official

purchase as studio president.

Really?

Just one change.

Name it, Lev.

50 is little long in the tooth for our lead character.

We need to put her in her early 30s, tops.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Um, yeah, but it's, um, it's about age discrimination.

Hmm.

OK, how about we put her in a wheelchair?

She's a paraplegic.

She's-- she's a 25-year-old paraplegic,

and she's in a wheelchair.

And now you know why she's so brilliant.

Lev.

Jason?

You know, it's-- it's great.

It's great. Are you kidding me?

It's great.

For my script?

A 25-year-old paraplegic?

Yeah.

Well, the morons are running true to form.

I know, but I thought maybe we could compromise.

We can't compromise.

I want my lead character's breasts to be heading south.

Wow.

You want extra pine nuts in your pesto?

I would love extra pine nuts in my pesto.

Do you have anything else for me to pitch to them then?

Huh uh.

Yes, no, I do, just not with them.

Why?

They want to be in business with you.

I don't care.

Screw them.

They're out.

Why?

Because it's fun.

Thank you very much.

So Richard is the bomb, by the way.

Last night we're at the Lakers game, sitting court side.

He introduces me to who?

To Jack.

All right, I'm schmoozing with Jack.

We're hanging out.

We go down to the VIP, a little locker room with the players.

I love this guy.

I love him.

Hmm, I'm glad you hit it off.

Yeah, then you've got to dump his ass.

Sorry, what?

You have to dump his ass.

Why?

Because he screwed me over, and this is payback time.

And I'm-- I'm--

I'm sure he's-- he's very sorry about that, but he's got

court-side Lakers tickets.

Hmm-mm, sorry, I'm having fun.

Wait, who's going to be my agent?

Someone else who also got screwed over.

I must be having a senior moment.

I can't remember meeting you.

Yeah, it was at one of those UCLA seminar things

that they do.

Yeah, well, wherever it was, it doesn't matter now.

You are hot.

Hot.

Without even breaking a sweat

I got you a pitch meeting with the new regime

at Monolith studios.

Monolith?

They're-- they're good.

Listen, Marty, I have a question for you.

How are you with Lakers tickets?

You get court-side seats, don't you, Marty?

Of course.

All right.

In my living room.

It's a joke, right?

That's not-- so you don't-- doesn't matter.

And we cut to big finish.

Stephanie's outside of Barbara's door,

handing the trophy over to the rightful owner, the person who

actually designed the winning gown, the person who because

of age discrimination had to go underground and hire

this younger woman to front for her.

Barbara is overcome, unable to speak.

Fade to black.

What do you think?

That was absolutely beautiful.

Thank you.

It reminds me of "All About Eve," don't you think?

Yeah.

Only your story is better.

I love that the lead character is considered old at 50.

That's a real statement for our times.

It's age discrimination that the baby boomers can relate to,

and that's a big audience.

Yeah, my Aunt B is going through some pretty

frustrating stuff, right?

Hmm?

Nothing.

I was just about to tell you a really uninteresting

story about my family.

It doesn't-- it doesn't matter.

Uh, look.

I have to ask.

It's a formality, and if I didn't, I would get fired.

And, well, I just got hired, so--

Congrats.

Do you have a writing sample that I can read?

Of course.

Thank you.

It's just so refreshing.

I never get to hear stories that are character

driven and adult themed.

I-- I love it.

I love that you love it.

Hi, uh, do you have "All About Eve"?

Oh, yeah, Bette Davis, right?

- Oh. - Yeah.

Good flick.

Yep, it's good.

Do you have it?

Who else was in that?

I don't--

Oh, uh, uh, Anne Baxter.

Anne Baxter.

Yeah, it's in the classics section.

In the back? OK.

- Is that just this way? - Keep going.

- Red-- - --wall?

Red wall, in the back.

Yeah, the red wall.

Ugh.

You hungry, Mae?

I'm starving.

Oh, mmm, cheese.

Byrdie, it's Andrea.

I'm so excited.

You'll never guess.

Steven got the job at Monolith.

He's taken me with him and he's promoted me.

I stood up for myself like you said, and now I'm an executive.

I cannot wait to have you in.

Steven is a big fan.

I owe all of this to you.

You are back in business.

Oh damn.

Call me.

This is Jason.

If you're offering a three picture deal, call my agent.

Otherwise, leave a message.

Jason--

There's a party going on in here.

Oh my.

Oh God, that is the dumbest message

on your answering machine.

It's obnoxious.

Where have you been?

Out trying to sell our movie.

And?

And I had to go through five development girls,

literally, if you know what I mean.

Yeah I-- I really don't want the details.

And sadly enough, no one wants to make

the movie with an older woman.

Oh, there is a God.

I was feeling bad about this.

Except for one, hey Byrdie,

I sold your movie.

You son of a bitch.

You could at least try to act happy.

Who did you sell it to?

This beautiful creature over at Monolith, Andrea.

- Andrea? - Mhm.

Oh my God. Do you have the sample script?

- Where's the sample script? - She insisted on it.

I gave her "Father and Son."

Oh my God, I live in hell.

What are you talking about?

Can you tell me what's going on here?

I thought you'd be happy.

I thought that was your objective, to sell the pitch.

She is not some dumb bimbo like Stacy.

This is Andrea.

She's a smart girl.

She will know this is "Kramer vs. Kramer" by page two.

I've got to call her.

Whoa.

- Give me the phone. - Wait, you know her?

- Give me the phone. - Can you tell me--

- Give me the damn phone. - What do you know about her?

Hold on a second, I'm just asking you questions.

- Give me the-- - I've got a plan.

I've got a plan. I've got a plan.

All right, hold on.

All right, you crank out 10 pages.

I take them over to Andrea.

She falls in love with them, forgets

about the sample script.

We all live happily ever after.

- I am obviously not an idiot. - You're right.

You're smart.

Give me the phone. Get out of here.

Thank you. Bye.

Goodbye.

Thank you so much.

I'll let you know they're going

to need that loaner Beamer back because I quit my job.

You quit your-- you what?

God, you are dumber than I--

So let's do this Byrdie.

I don't have time for this.

I forgot my keys.

Get-- ahh.

Out

Pita toast, two tough--

Get-- you-- get the hell out of here.

Byrdie.

Hello there, Ms. VP of Acquisitions and Development.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

These are beautiful.

Yeah, well, so is this office.

Yes, you might notice the corner suite.

Yeah, very impressive.

Thank you.

I owe all of this to you.

I'm getting you in here right away.

I'm just happy to be here right now, because I just

want to talk about something.

I want to talk to you too.

I've got a meeting with Steve, but quickly,

I just bought my first project.

It's a woman's story from a guy.

Can you believe it?

Uh uh.

Totally unknown, but I've got a feeling about him.

I ponied up, too.

I hope the brass won't mind.

I haven't even had time to read his sample yet,

but he is so in demand that I had to nail him down

before anybody else did.

Y-- of course you did.

Oh, I did.

I just-- I loved his story.

You did?

Yeah, and he was so passionate about it.

And he's also really, really hot.

Hot?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Ah, God, speaking of hot,

is that George Clooney out there?

Are you serious?

Oh, no it's Rosie O'Donnell.

Well, win some, lose some.

I'm going to get out of your hair.

It was great to see you.

And again, congratulations.

Thank you.

When can we have lunch so that we can talk

- about what you wanted to say? - Oh, it was nothing.

I just wanted to say congratulations

and give you these flowers.

Are you sure?

Scout's honor.

Thank you for the flowers.

See ya.

Byrdie, it's Peter.

You're not going to believe this,

but Jason quit his job at BMW to become a screenwriter.

I feel like I got hit by a cement truck.

I need you to talk some sense into the kid.

Call me.

Good morning.

Oh, wow, you look fantastic.

Shut up.

Those 10 pages took a lot out of you, huh?

They must be brilliant.

I got nothing.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I thought that I'd just sit down and hammer out

a bunch of pages and give them to Andrea

and she would love them, and we'd

forget about the sample script, and then everybody

would live happily ever after.

Yeah, that was the plan.

Mmm-hm.

Didn't work.

See?

I was up all night.

I don't have a damn thing.

That's what they call writer's block.

No, it's what you call a morality block.

That's where your conscience won't

help you screw over a friend.

What?

I didn't drink all this.

Do you think I'd be standing here if I drank all those?

I poured them in the sink so that I wouldn't drink them.

At least I recycle.

That's good.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for telling your dad you

quit your job, because that went over really well.

Well, you know what?

My dad is going to be just fine with it when he sees this--

And I quote, "torrid newcomer Jason Krueger

has sold his pitch, 'Bogus, ' to the new

regime at Monolith Studios.

Project was ushered in by Development

Executive Andrea Davis.

What?

Damn good picture.

Cute, semi.

Do you have any idea what this means?

Mmm-hm.

It means I'm the hottest new writer in Hollywood,

and I need those pages, Aunt B.

Stop calling me Aunt B. It makes it sound like

we live in frickin' Mayberry.

In Mayberry?

No, it means that now I have to write this.

Now I am forced to write, and I have

to do it quickly, because it's already been in the trades.

And I'm having a very hard time writing, as I told you.

I spent all night trying to write something,

- and I couldn't write. - It's got to be good.

But who the hell could write in a house

that's all disorganized like this, and confusing,

and messed up, and loud?

It's just loud.

Who could write in a house that is so damn noisy?

Hey Jason, it's me.

Now that I've recovered from my nervous breakdown,

I decided to get out of town and do a little writing.

I'll call you when I've got something.

Hey, hey, hey, one small step for mankind,

to make a run for the door.

Don't need a reason to ask what for.

You've got the secret motion.

Take yourself by the bed.

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me?

I need a cabin for the weekend.

Writer?

Actor?

Suicide?

Yes, no, maybe?

Ah.

I just need a cabin, something isolated and quiet.

OK, we've got "The Shining" or the "Cujo" cabin available.

Stephen King wrote up here?

No.

Shining.

All right.

We begin anew.

OK, interior warehouse, morning--

And interior, old clothing warehouse, morning.

It is morning in the old clothing warehouse.

Shh-- whew.

You think-- you think it's morning?

You said it's morning three times now.

It's frickin' morning.

I'm so hungry.

Ugh.

I'm starving.

Bleh, this isn't going to cut it.

Sweet-- coffee, mustard, ketchup.

Locked?

Oh, for God's Sake Come on.

Jackpot.

Byrdie?

Ray?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

For Christ's sake, what are you doing, Ray?

Stalking me?

Did you follow me from Los Angeles?

No, I didn't.

Well, what the hell are you doing here?

You scared me to death.

I'm sorry, I was-- Uh, I was hungry.

What?

Are you staying here?

Yeah, I am, actually.

I've been here for a while.

They put padlocks on the refrigerator.

All I could find was these crackers.

Well, maybe we can pool our resources.

What is that?

Peanut butter?

Yeah.

Dude.

So this was the, uh, the default menu for midnight

snacks with my kids.

Oh, you have kids?

Yeah, a son and a daughter.

And a niece?

Yeah, my brother's daughter.

- That was really your niece? - Yeah.

She is?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it was fine.

You were-- uh, charming.

Yeah.

And, uh, your nephew?

My lover.

I thought so.

You Hollywood types are all the same.

It's my brother's son.

So, where is Mrs. Hottie Stalker Writer?

My-- my last wife left me six years ago.

Your last wife?

Three marriages, three divorces,

two kids, one broken heart.

Whose?

Mine.

Second wife, mother of my children.

I never could figure out how I could be a full time

writer and a full time mother and a full time wife,

because I had to be suffering day and night for my craft.

You could have been a writer and had a family.

I did.

Yes, and it worked out well for you.

Good point.

I like your book.

No, I hate it.

You don't.

No, I'm so bored of it.

- It's getting great reviews. - I know.

It's probably going to be a bestseller.

It's so depressing.

I write crap. They like it.

I write more crap.

It's like I'm on some kind of endless cycle of crapness.

I'd really like to write something

that I can be proud of.

What are you working on?

I'm working on a screenplay.

Yeah?

Here's the thing--

You're a really nice guy, especially for a stalker.

Thanks.

You're cute and-- And you're funny.

Well, I could change if that's a problem.

But if we went to dinner and we-- we had a really good time,

we might click.

Clicking would be bad, right?

Yes.

No-- it's bad-- yes, because clicking leads to sex.

And sex leads to more sex.

And that leads to really getting to know each other.

We don't know each other after all that sex?

It won't end up well, because let's say you called me

and I didn't call you back.

Even worse than that, let's say you don't call me

and I freak out.

And I come over to your house and I

start rummaging through your trash,

and I put sugar in your gas tank, and--

I-- I-- I-- it just ends up with hard feelings

and restraining orders.

I mean, we don't want that.

No, no, that--

That would be bad.

Right.

So good, I'm glad we-- we agree on that.

Hey, it was good to see you.

Good night.

Did they-- uh--

Did anyone tell you about your cabin?

No.

As the story goes, several women

have checked into that cabin and never checked out.

I like the way you paused between checked into your cabin

and never checked out.

See, I was going for like danger and suspense.

Did I get it?

Yes.

And no.

I've got to get back to work.

OK.

See ya.

Sure.

Good night, Byrdie Langdon.

Time keeps burning.

I was going down, now I'm strong.

Wheels keep turning.

Take me back to where I once belonged.

Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.

In case you live through the night

and sneak out before I see you, I had a great time, and--

Pause for effect-- would love to see you again.

I'm in "Gone with the Wind," and I'll be here until summer.

Ray.

Hmm.

Hey Jason, it's Byrdie.

Meet me at my house at 10:00.

I've got pages for Andrea.

Jason, these pages are incredible.

I'm glad you liked them.

I was, uh, I was really nervous about it, actually.

It's why I brought them personally.

I love that Stephanie the ghetto girl

can talk her way in and out of any situation.

And I love that all the male fashion buyers are hot for her,

and some of the women too.

It's very bold.

Thank you.

There's more where that came from, so--

I can't wait.

In the meantime, welcome to the movie business.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I have to deliver something to one of the sound stages.

Do you want to come with me?

I'd love to.

Good films have always moved me.

I wanted to be part of the process.

I hear you.

It didn't start out that way.

I have a degree in education.

I love teaching kids.

Yeah, no, kids are the bomb.

I mean, kids are, you know, they're our future.

They're going to be running the country,

so they need to be inspired.

When I was a little kid, my grandpa taught

me his theory for happiness.

He called it the big four.

It's made up of money, career, love, and health.

If you've got zero out of four, it's OK, because you've

got no place to go but up.

One out of four, let's hope it's health.

But if you have a consistent two or three out of four,

your life is pretty sweet.

That being said, we know that you have money.

How's your health?

Excellent.

How's your career?

It hasn't been great, but you've got me excited about it

- again. - Thank you.

That's very charming.

That'll count as a half a point.

And how's your love life?

Uh, well, it sucks.

What?

What?

It sucks?

Why did I just tell you that?

Because you trust me.

2.5 out of four, not bad.

Life's pretty sweet.

It's a pretty interesting theory, simplistic.

I find that sometimes simplicity works.

Do you?

I'm a simple guy.

I don't believe that for a second.

Randall, you're going to go to the 50 on this one.

How's my second favorite screenwriter?

God, you scared me to death.

What the hell are you doing here?

Andrea loved the pages, didn't even mention the sample script.

Thank God for that.

So you got more pages for me?

No, not finished yet.

I'll take what you got.

No, it's the end of the day.

I'm tired.

I'll get them to you tomorrow.

What?

I was just going to bring them over to Andrea's place

myself tonight.

My God, that is so thoughtful of you.

But here's the deal.

You know, I love Andrea like she's my own daughter.

OK.

So what we need to do is keep you

and your overworked protrusion out of her zip code.

Wow, my overworked protrusion.

Well, that's interesting, because Andrea invited me.

I bet she did.

But you need to keep this business

until I can get all of this stuff sorted out,

so I don't end up destroying her career and what's left of mine.

Clear?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, that's convincing.

Yes.

Thank you.

Wine?

Yes.

So Andrea liked the pages, huh?

She loved then.

What did she say exactly?

I think the direct quote was Jason, I love them.

I love that she loved them.

I love that you love that she loved them.

I love that you love that I love that she loved them.

Wow, videotapes, huh?

Are you making fun of me?

No, no, I love the 80s.

"All About Eve," I saw that one.

We talked about that one.

Obsession with fame?

Better fasten your seat belt, because we're

in for a bumpy night.

That was Bette Davis.

Yes, I know.

"The English Patient."

The transformational power of love.

"Officer and a Gentleman."

An unlikely love story between two people

from very different worlds, after an initial flirtation

in Windsor.

And then he loses her, and then he wins her

again with tenacity and perseverance

and grand romantic gesture.

I, uh-- tenacity and perseverance, huh?

Do you want to watch it?

Um, yeah, I'd love to.

Do you want some popcorn?

I would, uh, I would love some popcorn.

Do you have, uh, Parmesan cheese?

You put Parmesan cheese on your popcorn?

Yeah, I know.

It's a little weird.

So do I.

What?

I put Parmesan cheese on my popcorn.

You put Parmesan cheese on your popcorn?

I'm not making that up.

Prove it.

Wow.

Well, that could be for pizza.

But it's not.

It's for-- it's for popcorn.

Did my mom call you?

Did my mom call you?

So I get called in to write on staff

for a groundbreaking show about a coroner who solves crime.

Hello?

I wrote 16 episodes of "Quincy" before most of the guys

in that room were born.

There are only seven ideas in the world.

The rest are variations on those seven stories.

Mhm.

Groucho Marx said that.

These young guys today never heard of Groucho Marx.

That's the magic way--

Tell them what they want.

Dinner for two to a deli in the valley.

I'll be right back.

- Hi, Cathy. - Andrea?

Hey.

Who's that cute guy you're with?

Jason Krueger.

He's a writer.

Oh, yeah, I've heard his name mentioned

in our project meetings.

Is he available?

Uh, he's doing a script for us.

Oh, I meant the other available.

Uh, should I tell you this?

Why not?

Last night we watched movies at my place

until the sun came up.

Ow.

Are you OK in there?

Mhm.

And then he goes home, and on no sleep

knocks out a set of remarkable pages.

I mean, where does he get that energy?

Yeah, I wonder.

I think I really like this guy.

I sound like I'm 12, don't I?

Oh, that's the only way to sound.

Oh.

Let's get out of here.

I'll be right there.

I'll ring it up right now.

Yeah, I think I'm down here.

I swear to God, I didn't sleep with her.

Don't screw with me, Jason.

I'm not.

You have made a career out of using women.

Who are you trying to fool?

Oh, that is hilarious.

Because what you're doing to me right now, what's that called?

Huh?

What's this?

She's different, all right?

I enjoy spending time with her.

I have never been this close to the big four.

Oh, the big four again. What is that again?

- Sex, sex-- - Career--

More sex, then kinky sex?

Health, money, maybe love.

Career?

Yes.

Jason, this is my career.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is our career.

Don't even try that, because you will not win.

I am way smarter than you, little boy.

And I am way younger, and you need me.

Not like you need me.

Not now.

Do you want those pages?

Yes.

Then you back off Andrea.

No, no, no, no, don't do this.

Don't make me choose between these two.

I've waited my whole entire life to feel

this way about somebody.

Please.

Who are you trying to kid?

That's probably her.

She's probably calling me right now.

Yeah, or you calling yourself.

Now it's time for you to decide--

Do you want love with Andrea, or do you

want to be a hot shot writer?

Which is it?

Please don't do this.

Make up your mind.

Aunt B, please, don't do this.

You need to decide.

Wrong choice, Casanova.

God.

When time was running out,

I didn't have to hide.

I just kept--

Stephanie goes ti the thing.

Barbara doesn't know.

Come on, how hard can this be?

I told you time was running out.

It wasn't on our side.

Exterior, alcohol rehab facility.

Barbara enters,

carrying a book bag, enter--

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Hi.

What the hell happened?

What do you mean?

I thought that Steve Brooks loved them.

Previous pages, not these.

These I won't show him.

These are terrible.

So you didn't-- You didn't like them.

Jason, I really didn't like them.

That's what terrible means.

What's-- what's wrong with them?

Everything.

I can't believe how different. They are from your other ones.

Right, but in what way?

Writing style, tone, dialogue, character continuity, grammar.

OK, I get it.

I get it.

I was particularly baffled why you suddenly chose to put

Barbara in alcohol rehab.

Obviously not a-- Not a good choice.

My boss really needs a hit.

If I show him these pages, he's going

to pull you off the project--

And maybe me out of my new office.

Jason, you're a really talented writer

who's also very new at this.

You just had a little mishap.

I want you to take a breath and go home and write

the way that I know you can.

Don't let me down.

Byrdie?

Byrdie?

Hey.

Hey.

So, uh, I did something.

I, uh-- I, uh--

I wrote some pages and I gave them to Andrea.

What?

Please tell me you wrote a greeting

card or a haiku or something.

You didn't give her pages pages, did you?

Yeah, I gave her pages pages.

You'll be happy to know they weren't any good.

Well, actually, it doesn't make me happy,

but I'm not shocked.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

So, what about choosing Andrea?

This is me choosing Andrea.

I mean, that's why I'm here.

This isn't about me anymore, and this

isn't about me being a writer.

If we don't get her pages, she's going to lose her job.

We can't let that happen.

Hmm-mm.

So what do we do?

Pages aren't hamburgers.

I can't just flip them out there.

I wish I could.

When I write, I just try to dig down in my soul,

and I try to find something that's true about something.

Because that truth is what makes people cry, or makes people

laugh so hard that they pee their pants.

Sometimes it takes a long time to find that.

So I should come back in like an hour?

Yeah.

Bring me a burger--

With cheese.

I'll just go flip that burger out.

Yeah.

I found it.

I found "Father and Son."

Thank you so much.

I knew that the mailroom must have made a copy.

Thank you.

What the hell?

Let me take a guess what pages you're holding.

They're terrible.

I asked your assistant for them.

Why didn't you show them to me?

He's rewriting them, and I'm sure that they're

going to be a lot better.

And so I just thought that I would show you

the new ones when they came in.

What about this?

Your assistant thought I might want to see Krueger's sample.

And?

She gave it to everyone else, too.

Andrea, I'm sorry.

Uh, do I get to pack up?

If it was up to me, but it's not.

This gentleman will escort you off the lot.

Andrea, you didn't read it, did you?

Not until it was too late.

Thank you for the promotion--

While it lasted.

The truth is, it--

It hurts.

I mean I was really starting to like him, you know?

I really believed that he was talented and passionate,

and I just--

I can't believe that I was stupid enough to let

myself get that vulnerable.

I just lost three out of his big four theory,

and now all I've got left is my health.

Well, you know, sometimes a person

can do things for reasons that sometimes

no one else could understand.

What?

I'm just saying, Andrea, that sometimes the desperate

will take desperate measures.

And we don't understand the ramifications

of what we've done, especially during the time we

were doing it.

Byrdie, what are you talking about?

I just lost my job.

I'm only saying that sometimes,

you need to take a step back.

You need to take a deep breath, and you

need to look at-- at-- at-- Every aspect of something--

Every single little tiny piece of every single element.

Do you want to tell me what the hell's going on?

What?

Oh, boy.

This picture, Byrdie, who is it?

You-- you and who?

You-- you and-- you and who, Byrdie?

How do you know him?

It's my nephew--

Jason, my nephew.

I'm so sorry.

I-- it's why--

I wanted to tell you the truth.

It's why I came to your office with the flowers.

It's not what you think.

OK, it's exactly what you think, but it's not-- hell,

I don't know what you think.

You and your nephew tried to con me?

No, we weren't trying to con you.

We were-- we were trying to con everybody--

Else, the suits, you know.

And-- and-- and it was never supposed to go this far.

I'm so sorry.

Save it.

I trusted you.

You were my safety net in this business.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

Hey, I went to your office.

Don't even.

They said that you were fired?

I prefer let go.

Listen, I am so sorry.

What you are is a liar.

OK, you cost me my job, and what's worse,

you made me look like a fool.

I know.

Go away, Jason, whatever your name is.

I am so not interested in talking to you.

Listen, but I can explain.

All right, I wanted to earlier, but I couldn't.

I never meant for this to happen.

I don't want to hurt you.

Yeah, you're one of the genuine nice guys, right?

Yeah, I am.

I mean, I'm trying to be.

Are you even a writer?

I sell cars.

You sell cars?

Ugh.

Uh.

Byrdie?

Sis?

Byrdie, it's Peter.

Byrdie?

Oh my God.

Byrdie?

Byrdie?

Come on, sis. Byrdie?

What?

Oh.

What-- what--

What-- wh-- what are you doing?

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

I frickin' live here.

Are you all right?

Yes, I am--

What?

Did somebody break in here?

Yes, me.

Oh, Byrdie, I didn't know whether you were dead or alive.

Uh, I was sleeping.

I fell asleep on the floor.

Haven't you ever done that?

I mean, for this you break my frickin' windows out?

You haven't been returning my calls.

Because I've been working.

All right, OK, all right.

I need to talk to you.

I need to pee.

Byrdie, I am serious.

I am serious.

Uh, I'll wait. You go first.

Your turn.

Go.

Have you talked to Jason lately?

No. Why?

- What happened? - I don't know.

That's the problem.

I haven't seen him in days.

I went over to his apartment.

He's not there.

Well, you know, he's--

He-- he's 24.

I mean, maybe he's doing what 24-year-olds do.

He's probably out, you know, acting

all wild and crazy and free, just like we

did when we were his age--

I did when I was his age.

Look, Byrdie, I know he has his own life to lead,

but he's still my kid, and I still worry about him.

OK, here's the deal.

You'll want to sit for this one.

So I'm sure that he's OK.

He's probably just a little lovesick, you know.

He'll recover.

I mean, we've both been there.

I've been there.

How could you involve him in all of this?

I mean, we just got him on his feet.

We just got him into a steady job.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

You can say that again.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

Well, you're Byrdie.

You'll work it out.

Not this time.

I think I've really screwed things up this time.

You've got to be kidding me.

Ninth grade, spring break, you took Dad's credit card,

flew to Mexico, and saw a Stones concert.

Yeah, well, there was a rumor they might break up.

That-- I-- I had no choice.

Third grade Christmas show, you sang

"Silent Night" in Pig Latin.

Yeah, yeah what is your ointpay?

The day you graduated from UCLA, after Mom and Dad

had paid for four years of business school,

you announced that you're going to be a writer.

Well, who are you, the ghost of Christmas past?

I know I screwed up everything in my life.

I don't need you to tell me that.

Hear me out.

You could have cared less what they said.

You see, you just knew what you wanted,

and you just went for it.

Why now do you care what people say?

I mean, they say what, that you're too old to write?

You tell them, how old would you be if you

didn't know how old you were?

That's good. Who said that?

Satchel Paige.

My point is, the Byrdie I know would have

told him to stick it in their--

Ear.

Ass.

I know, sometimes it seems like I'm really on your case.

But the truth is, Byrdie, the truth

is having you as a sister reminds me that I'm connected

to something very special.

You make things happen, Byrdie.

You always have.

Oh, are you talking about me?

I can't write anymore.

Yes, you can.

It's who you are.

Remember your own motto?

Write what you know.

So what do you know?

Write what you know.

Write what you know.

What do I know?

I know I could write a dog book.

All right, ready?

Here we go.

I know a few hundred places.

We used to go together, you and me.

I know solitude.

Go away.

I can't.

Sure you can.

Over and over again.

And maybe I was wrong.

Maybe you can't trust me anymore.

I don't know if you want me.

This is what I know.

We used to sing all night.

Hey, I, uh, brought you some Chinese for dinner.

Over and over again.

Over and over again.

Tenacity and perseverance.

This is what I know.

We used to sing all night, over and over again.

This is what I know.

Easy.

Break it down--

Nobody goes until we get this right.

What's the first shot for tomorrow?

How the hell should I know?

OK, guys, got the cable in there.

Watch that.

- Mike? - Coming through, guys.

Did you check that?

Hey, Byrdie, what are you doing here?

I came to see you.

I'm in a hurry, so why don't you walk me to the car, huh?

That is, of course, unless you let the air out of my tires?

Not yet, but I might have to.

I need you to go to your car and read this script.

All right, sure, you got your number on it?

No, you don't understand.

I need you to go sit in your car and read it right now.

Byrdie, it's the end of the day.

I'm tired.

Hence coffee.

Look, my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner.

My wife will kill me if I'm late.

No, see, your wife will kill you if you're broke.

You need a hit for this studio.

This is your hit, my friend.

What's it about?

About what I know.

It's the Byrdie Langdon story.

It's about a writer who can't get

a job because she's too old.

So she hires her hot-shot nephew to pitch it.

He sells, she writes.

Think Susan Sarandon and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Why me?

Why this studio?

Because Andrea Davis is producing,

and she made me promise that I would let you see it first.

Andrea Davis doesn't work here anymore.

She screwed up.

No, she didn't.

I did.

It was my idea to have my nephew come in here

and pitch my script.

You know what?

That will make a great PR story when you open this movie.

You're awfully confident.

I'm Byrdie Langdon.

I'm full of it.

You're full of something.

That's for sure, Byrdie.

You know, my wife is going to divorce me.

Again with the wife.

Your wife likes green.

Hazelnut?

Look, is-- is it OK if I read it in my office

instead of the car?

Of course.

I'll wait right here.

Yes.

Stop calling me.

Hi, this is Andrea.

I'm not here, so leave me a message

and I'll call you as soon as I can.

Hi Andrea, it's Steven.

I read the Byrdie Langdon script, the new one.

I love it and I want to make it.

She told me you're producing it.

So, uh, call me when you're ready to make a deal.

I hope we can forget about the past and move forward.

Talk to you soon.

Do you want some popcorn with Parmesan?

Are you kidding?

I'd love some popcorn with Parmesan.

OK.

OK.

I'll bring it out.

Time keeps burning.

I was going down, now I'm strong.

Wheels keep turning.

Take me back to where I once belonged.

Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Hmm.

I hope you brought crackers.

No, I didn't bring crackers.

I did bring peanut butter.

Smooth.

Crunchy, actually.

I know where they keep the crackers.

Oh, I've already looked in there.

I bet you didn't look behind this box with the light bulbs.

No, I didn't.

A toast-- here's to the big four theory.

The big four theory--

What's that?

I'm glad you asked.

Is that it?

No, that is the beginning of it.

- I don't know, it's-- - It's the beginning of it.

- Have a cracker. - I know, it's a good beginning.

- I know. - It's a great beginning.

I liked it, but I--

Just eat.

Hey, hey, hey, one small step for mankind,

to make a run for the door.

Don't need a reason to ask what for.

She cracked the secret potion.

Get yourself by the bed.

'Cause everything is in motion, they're

rising up from the dead.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, so simple but you know it's true.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, if you go get it, it'll come to you.

It'll come to you.

Come on.

Do you look in the mirror?