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1
00:00:00,578 --> 00:00:02,679
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,997 --> 00:00:06,199
So, I'm confused.
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,335
Is Edward the gay vampire
or the gay werewolf?
4
00:00:09,336 --> 00:00:10,470
The vampire.
5
00:00:10,471 --> 00:00:13,906
And he's not gay,
he's... androgynous.
6
00:00:13,907 --> 00:00:18,144
So he can write
with both hands, big deal.
7
00:00:18,145 --> 00:00:20,246
No, I mean...
8
00:00:20,247 --> 00:00:21,347
Never mind.
9
00:00:21,348 --> 00:00:24,000
I'll tell you
what's a great movie...
10
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:25,818
Jackass 2.
(turns off TV)
11
00:00:25,819 --> 00:00:27,970
Now, I know what
you're thinking: sequels suck.
12
00:00:27,971 --> 00:00:29,055
But not that one.
13
00:00:29,056 --> 00:00:30,456
There's this one part
where this guy
14
00:00:30,457 --> 00:00:32,258
puts on a diver's helmet
with a hose attached,
15
00:00:32,259 --> 00:00:35,761
and this fat guy farts into
the tube until he pukes.
16
00:00:36,930 --> 00:00:39,799
The guy in the diver's helmet,
not the fat guy.
17
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,834
Sounds puerile.
18
00:00:41,835 --> 00:00:45,004
Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile.
19
00:00:45,005 --> 00:00:47,073
Unless puerile isn't good.
20
00:00:47,074 --> 00:00:49,542
In which case,
it's totally un-puerile.
21
00:00:50,577 --> 00:00:52,812
Anti-puerile?
22
00:00:52,813 --> 00:00:55,014
Maybe we shouldn't talk.
23
00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,451
CHARLIE:
Hello!
24
00:00:58,452 --> 00:01:00,152
(door closes) Oh, crap.
25
00:01:00,153 --> 00:01:01,387
Is that your dad?
26
00:01:01,388 --> 00:01:02,421
No, worse.
27
00:01:02,422 --> 00:01:03,856
My drunken uncle.
28
00:01:04,992 --> 00:01:08,794
I just pray he remembered
to pull up his zipper.
29
00:01:09,663 --> 00:01:11,380
There's my main man.
30
00:01:11,381 --> 00:01:14,634
Jake-o-roonie,
Jake-o-reenie,
31
00:01:14,635 --> 00:01:16,552
Jake the snake!
32
00:01:18,055 --> 00:01:19,639
Who are you?
33
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:20,973
Megan.
34
00:01:20,974 --> 00:01:23,476
Meg-a-roonie,
Meg-a-reenie,
35
00:01:23,477 --> 00:01:26,345
Megan the snagan.
36
00:01:26,346 --> 00:01:28,564
Zipper, Uncle Charlie.
37
00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:30,750
Oop, good catch.
38
00:01:32,686 --> 00:01:34,220
Thought you had a date tonight.
39
00:01:34,221 --> 00:01:37,123
Not a date, a date experience.
40
00:01:37,124 --> 00:01:38,524
What's the difference?
41
00:01:38,525 --> 00:01:40,393
About $1,500.
42
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,100
So, Megan,
43
00:01:48,101 --> 00:01:49,135
what's your deal?
44
00:01:49,136 --> 00:01:50,970
Trying to teach
your parents a lesson?
45
00:01:50,971 --> 00:01:53,172
I'm in Jake's homeroom.
46
00:01:53,173 --> 00:01:54,941
Got it.
Yeah, I was pretty sure
47
00:01:54,942 --> 00:01:57,543
you didn't meet him
in honors math class.
48
00:01:57,544 --> 00:02:01,213
Boy, I remember being your age.
49
00:02:01,214 --> 00:02:03,316
Going out with Beth Anderson.
50
00:02:03,317 --> 00:02:05,117
She was head cheerleader.
51
00:02:05,118 --> 00:02:07,687
I was crazy about her,
but she dumped me
52
00:02:07,688 --> 00:02:10,590
and left me with nothing
but a broken heart.
53
00:02:10,591 --> 00:02:12,024
And the clap.
54
00:02:12,025 --> 00:02:14,527
The what?
55
00:02:14,528 --> 00:02:18,097
Wow, you kids today have
no idea what that is, do you?
56
00:02:18,098 --> 00:02:19,398
I know it sounds cute.
57
00:02:19,399 --> 00:02:21,250
The clap!
58
00:02:21,251 --> 00:02:24,236
But it burns like hell.
59
00:02:24,237 --> 00:02:26,839
I think I'd better get home.
60
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,007
Wait, don't go.
61
00:02:28,008 --> 00:02:29,742
He'll be passed out
in ten minutes.
62
00:02:29,743 --> 00:02:32,211
I'll see you in homeroom.
63
00:02:32,212 --> 00:02:34,080
Come on, Megan.
64
00:02:34,081 --> 00:02:35,481
Thanks a lot!
65
00:02:35,482 --> 00:02:37,850
You're welcome!
66
00:02:37,851 --> 00:02:40,319
I'm really gonna
get you back for this.
67
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,821
Okey-dokey.
68
00:02:41,822 --> 00:02:43,122
Megan, hold up!
69
00:02:43,123 --> 00:02:46,158
Oh, Beth Anderson.
70
00:02:46,159 --> 00:02:48,761
Every time it hurts when I pee,
71
00:02:48,762 --> 00:02:50,896
I think of you.
72
00:02:50,897 --> 00:02:53,799
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
73
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,836
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Ooh. ♪
74
00:02:57,487 --> 00:02:59,738
♪ Men. ♪
75
00:03:08,305 --> 00:03:10,706
Charlie.
76
00:03:10,707 --> 00:03:11,925
(groggily):
What?
77
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:13,458
Sign this.
78
00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:17,595
I'm not signing anything
till I see a lawyer.
79
00:03:17,596 --> 00:03:18,730
Wake up!
80
00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:20,098
What?
81
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,766
Birthday card for Mom.
82
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:22,884
Sign it.
83
00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:24,703
No, thanks.
84
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:27,005
Come back with a
"do not resuscitate" form
85
00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:28,306
and we'll talk.
86
00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:29,691
Come on, Charlie.
87
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,694
What did we get her?
88
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,178
You mean, "What did I get her?"
89
00:03:34,179 --> 00:03:36,981
No, I mean, what did I pay for?
90
00:03:36,982 --> 00:03:39,217
We went 50-50
on engraved stationery.
91
00:03:39,218 --> 00:03:40,852
50-50?
92
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:42,487
Okay, 100-zero.
93
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:45,123
But I will pay you back.
94
00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:46,991
Right.
95
00:03:46,992 --> 00:03:48,910
I assume you don't want
to go with me and Jake
96
00:03:48,911 --> 00:03:50,862
to give her her present
and wish her a happy birthday.
97
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:54,249
And I assume
you're never gonna pay me back.
98
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,251
We are a well-oiled machine.
99
00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,105
"Mom, you know how I feel.
100
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:02,006
Charlie."
101
00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:06,428
Straight from the heart.
102
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:10,415
♪ Men. ♪
103
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,150
This just blows.
104
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:13,818
Come on.
(doorbell rings)
105
00:04:13,819 --> 00:04:17,122
Seeing you is going to make
your grandmother very happy.
106
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:19,624
EVELYN (over speaker):
What do you two want?
107
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:21,409
Hi, Mom!
108
00:04:21,410 --> 00:04:22,894
Happy birthday!
109
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:25,697
(muttering):
Happy birthday.
110
00:04:25,698 --> 00:04:28,199
We brought you a gift.
111
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,401
EVELYN: Doesn't give you license
to show up unannounced,
112
00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:31,619
but all right.
113
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:34,372
(lock buzzes)
114
00:04:34,373 --> 00:04:36,441
She just better
keep me in the will.
115
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,443
EVELYN:
I can hear you, Jake.
116
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,378
Love you, Grandma.
117
00:04:40,379 --> 00:04:42,881
♪ Men. ♪
118
00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:48,987
Just so you know,
119
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,389
I like this even
less than you do.
120
00:04:51,390 --> 00:04:52,957
That's hard to believe.
121
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:54,225
ALAN:
I got to tell you,
122
00:04:54,226 --> 00:04:56,361
Mom, you are looking
younger every year.
123
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:57,762
Uh-huh.
124
00:04:57,763 --> 00:05:00,732
I hope you lie to your parents
better than that.
125
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:01,900
I do.
126
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,785
I don't.
127
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:06,871
So, uh, do you
like your present?
128
00:05:06,872 --> 00:05:09,908
It's stationery
with a big "E" on it.
129
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:11,476
It stands for "Evelyn."
130
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,978
Very good, darling.
131
00:05:13,979 --> 00:05:16,748
Uncle Charlie said
the "E" was for "evil."
132
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:20,117
So, any... any big
birthday plans?
133
00:05:20,118 --> 00:05:21,519
Like what?
134
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,720
I don't know.
Hot date?
135
00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,422
As a matter of fact,
I did have a date.
136
00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:26,357
What happened?
He cancelled.
137
00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:28,626
Whoa, you got dumped
on your birthday?
138
00:05:28,627 --> 00:05:30,528
That is so puerile.
139
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,833
Or is it?
140
00:05:36,302 --> 00:05:38,336
What is wrong with him?
141
00:05:38,337 --> 00:05:40,688
Nothing organic.
We've had him checked.
142
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:44,526
So, is there birthday cake?
143
00:05:44,527 --> 00:05:48,246
Oh, Jake,
what is to become of you?
144
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,515
Thank God my life
is mostly behind me.
145
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,318
I'd hate to be your age,
preparing to make my way
146
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,386
in a world that's coming
apart at the seams,
147
00:05:55,387 --> 00:05:57,755
while having no
discernible job skills
148
00:05:57,756 --> 00:05:59,657
or charisma whatsoever.
149
00:05:59,658 --> 00:06:04,362
So is that a yea
or nay on the cake?
150
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,433
♪ Men. ♪
151
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:11,803
Bye, Mom!
Happy birthday!
152
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,354
Whoa, that was grim.
153
00:06:13,355 --> 00:06:16,908
Yeah, who has
a birthday party without cake?
154
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:19,978
Your uncle really dodged
a bullet, didn't he?
155
00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:22,981
Yeah, he did.
156
00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:25,233
Hey, Dad...
157
00:06:25,234 --> 00:06:26,784
maybe we shouldn't
leave Grandma alone.
158
00:06:26,785 --> 00:06:28,186
She seemed kind of depressed.
159
00:06:28,187 --> 00:06:29,487
Oh, uh, don't worry.
160
00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:33,224
She doesn't commit suicide.
She inspires it.
161
00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:35,126
I was just thinking
maybe it'd be nice
162
00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:37,996
to have her to Uncle Charlie's
for a real birthday dinner.
163
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:42,166
You know, Jake, it's moments
like this that make me proud.
164
00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:44,202
You've got a big heart.
165
00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:46,387
Okay, we'll bring her back
to Uncle Charlie's.
166
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:53,177
♪ Men. ♪
167
00:06:54,063 --> 00:06:55,613
Hey.
Hey.
168
00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:57,015
How was your time in hell?
169
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:59,317
So good he brought
a little back with him.
170
00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:02,186
Hey. Hey, Mom.
171
00:07:02,187 --> 00:07:03,688
Happy birthday.
172
00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:04,989
I-I...
173
00:07:04,990 --> 00:07:07,425
would have come over, but...
174
00:07:07,426 --> 00:07:09,777
Oh, come on,
do I really need a reason?
175
00:07:09,778 --> 00:07:11,946
That's all right.
I don't expect much from you.
176
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:14,032
And you never disappoint me.
177
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,451
Now, if you'll excuse me,
178
00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:18,419
I'm going to drown my
sorrows in alcohol.
179
00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:19,704
If you're not
committed to alcohol,
180
00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:21,572
there's a whole big ocean
out there.
181
00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:23,741
What the hell are you doing?
182
00:07:23,742 --> 00:07:25,426
Oh, I just thought
it would be nice
183
00:07:25,427 --> 00:07:26,878
if we had a little
birthday dinner for her.
184
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:29,180
You thought it would be nice
to bring Mom to my house?
185
00:07:29,181 --> 00:07:30,815
Actually, it was Jake's idea.
186
00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:35,053
Of course. Jake.
187
00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:39,257
And where is... the boy?
188
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,426
It's Sunday. I dropped
him off at his Mom's.
189
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,728
(phone rings)
190
00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:49,100
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
How's it going?
191
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:52,070
You rat bastard.
192
00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:54,205
Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
193
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:57,075
Bye.
194
00:07:58,010 --> 00:07:59,627
What did he mean,
"payback's a bitch"?
195
00:07:59,628 --> 00:08:00,812
EVELYN:
Damn it, Charlie,
196
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:02,981
how am I supposed
to make a martini
197
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,482
without green olives?
198
00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:05,583
He misspoke.
199
00:08:05,584 --> 00:08:09,003
He meant,
"the bitch is payback."
200
00:08:09,004 --> 00:08:10,655
♪ Men. ♪
201
00:08:12,108 --> 00:08:13,843
♪ Men. ♪
202
00:08:15,358 --> 00:08:18,193
(sighs)
203
00:08:18,194 --> 00:08:19,003
So this is it?
204
00:08:19,011 --> 00:08:20,645
We're just going to sit here
watching television
205
00:08:20,646 --> 00:08:21,980
till dinnertime?
206
00:08:21,981 --> 00:08:25,016
I'm hoping to do it
till bedtime.
207
00:08:25,017 --> 00:08:27,018
We can't talk?
208
00:08:27,019 --> 00:08:28,620
What would you like
to talk about?
209
00:08:28,621 --> 00:08:29,954
Don't encourage her, Alan.
210
00:08:29,955 --> 00:08:32,156
Well, what comes
immediately to mind
211
00:08:32,157 --> 00:08:33,858
is the futility of love,
212
00:08:33,859 --> 00:08:35,593
the disappointment of family,
213
00:08:35,594 --> 00:08:38,162
and the inevitability of death.
214
00:08:38,163 --> 00:08:40,682
I'd be right with you
if "inevitable" meant "now."
215
00:08:40,683 --> 00:08:43,000
Well, I am sorry,
216
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:45,336
but I cannot go along
with you two gloomy Guses.
217
00:08:45,337 --> 00:08:47,739
I look at life,
and I see the cup as half full.
218
00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:49,641
But the cup
belongs to your brother,
219
00:08:49,642 --> 00:08:51,943
and what it's
half full of is tears.
220
00:08:51,944 --> 00:08:54,512
(laughs) Good one, Mom.
221
00:08:54,513 --> 00:08:56,698
You're no one to talk.
222
00:08:56,699 --> 00:08:58,883
He at least aspires
to normalcy,
223
00:08:58,884 --> 00:09:01,886
tries to have meaningful
relationships with women.
224
00:09:01,887 --> 00:09:04,389
You go out with a girl
and break up with her
225
00:09:04,390 --> 00:09:06,824
before her hoo-ha
can develop a 5:00 shadow.
226
00:09:09,828 --> 00:09:12,029
Well, uh, in his defense, Mom,
227
00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,966
he's usually paying
by the hour.
228
00:09:14,967 --> 00:09:16,868
Very smart, Alan.
229
00:09:16,869 --> 00:09:20,204
Bite the syphilitic hand
that feeds you.
230
00:09:22,574 --> 00:09:25,310
Well, if neither of you
is going to refill my drink,
231
00:09:25,311 --> 00:09:27,078
I'll do it myself.
232
00:09:27,079 --> 00:09:28,879
Help yourself, Mom.
233
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,567
I keep the vodka
in a bleach bottle.
234
00:09:35,688 --> 00:09:39,123
I can't take this anymore.
I got to get out of here.
235
00:09:39,124 --> 00:09:40,692
You're gonna leave
me alone with her?
236
00:09:40,693 --> 00:09:41,926
Hey, hey, I was alone with her
237
00:09:41,927 --> 00:09:44,061
for two years before you
were born. You owe me.
238
00:09:46,031 --> 00:09:48,166
Why don't we both
make a break for it?
239
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:50,702
Okay. Great.
240
00:09:50,703 --> 00:09:52,136
On three.
241
00:09:53,939 --> 00:09:55,807
One...
242
00:09:55,808 --> 00:09:58,976
Two...
243
00:10:02,815 --> 00:10:06,317
You're supposed to say
"go" after "three."
244
00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:09,854
Before we pick up the olives,
can we stop at a pharmacy?
245
00:10:09,855 --> 00:10:12,056
Sure.
246
00:10:15,561 --> 00:10:17,862
Isn't anybody gonna ask why?
247
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:24,035
Fine. Uh, why?
248
00:10:24,036 --> 00:10:26,137
Don't ask if you don't care.
249
00:10:28,574 --> 00:10:30,274
It's a woman problem.
250
00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:32,377
'Nough said.
251
00:10:32,378 --> 00:10:34,579
As you get older,
certain parts of your body
252
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,982
don't lubricate properly.
253
00:10:37,983 --> 00:10:42,286
Please, God, tell me you have
to pick up some Visine.
254
00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:45,256
I'm not talking
about my eyes, Charlie.
255
00:10:45,257 --> 00:10:47,925
(groaning) (groaning)
256
00:10:47,926 --> 00:10:51,396
Oh, sure, one can masturbate
to keep things flowing,
257
00:10:51,397 --> 00:10:53,965
but it's not the same
as actual intercourse.
258
00:11:07,346 --> 00:11:09,447
What's his problem?
259
00:11:09,448 --> 00:11:11,416
Just give him a minute.
260
00:11:11,417 --> 00:11:13,451
♪ Men. ♪
261
00:11:13,452 --> 00:11:15,453
That was very rude
262
00:11:15,454 --> 00:11:18,289
leaving us sitting there
on the side of the road.
263
00:11:18,290 --> 00:11:21,459
Would you rather
I threw up in the car?
264
00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:22,860
Hey, Charlie.
265
00:11:22,861 --> 00:11:23,995
Oh, hey, Russell.
266
00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,763
This is my mother Evelyn
and my brother Alan.
267
00:11:25,764 --> 00:11:26,964
Hi.
Hey.
268
00:11:26,965 --> 00:11:28,533
Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
269
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:31,002
Can I interest you folks
in a codeine Popsicle?
270
00:11:31,003 --> 00:11:33,070
It's my own invention.
271
00:11:33,071 --> 00:11:34,338
I think we're good, Russell.
272
00:11:34,339 --> 00:11:36,674
You suck on one of these,
you'll be great.
273
00:11:36,675 --> 00:11:39,877
I call it
"Springtime on a Stick."
274
00:11:39,878 --> 00:11:41,879
Yeah, listen,
275
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,481
my mom needs some, um...
276
00:11:43,482 --> 00:11:45,583
RUSSELL:
Mm-hmm?
277
00:11:45,584 --> 00:11:47,785
Mom?
278
00:11:48,987 --> 00:11:51,155
Birth control pills.
279
00:11:52,524 --> 00:11:54,692
Do you have a prescription?
280
00:11:54,693 --> 00:11:56,661
Kidding. We're all friends here.
Oh. (laughs)
281
00:11:56,662 --> 00:11:59,063
Come on back,
and I'll show you our selection.
282
00:11:59,064 --> 00:12:01,232
Oh, aren't you a doll?
283
00:12:01,233 --> 00:12:03,701
And I'm anatomically correct.
284
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:06,437
Oh, good to know.
285
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:09,974
Why did she ask for
birth control pills?
286
00:12:09,975 --> 00:12:11,709
Gee, Alan, I don't know.
287
00:12:11,710 --> 00:12:14,879
Maybe she didn't want to lead
with her dry hoo-ha.
288
00:12:17,733 --> 00:12:19,283
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
289
00:12:19,284 --> 00:12:20,785
Yes, but this time,
let's be clear.
290
00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:22,753
Do we run on "go"
or just "three"?
291
00:12:22,754 --> 00:12:24,322
Oh, no, no.
There's no running.
292
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:25,857
Let's set her up with Russell.
293
00:12:25,858 --> 00:12:28,626
Oh, gee, I'm not so sure
that's a good match.
294
00:12:28,627 --> 00:12:30,328
When the hell did
this become eHarmony?
295
00:12:30,329 --> 00:12:32,763
We just need to get her
out of our hair.
296
00:12:32,764 --> 00:12:34,248
Oh, right, right.
297
00:12:34,249 --> 00:12:35,433
Follow my lead.
298
00:12:35,434 --> 00:12:36,584
Thanks, Russell.
299
00:12:36,585 --> 00:12:38,202
These'll be just fine.
Hmm.
300
00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:39,537
What do I owe you?
301
00:12:39,538 --> 00:12:41,071
Oh, it's on the house.
302
00:12:41,072 --> 00:12:42,306
Any mom of Charlie's
303
00:12:42,307 --> 00:12:44,775
is a potential
lifelong customer of mine.
304
00:12:44,776 --> 00:12:46,377
Aren't you sweet!
305
00:12:46,378 --> 00:12:49,447
Or it could just be
Mr. Popsicle talking.
306
00:12:49,448 --> 00:12:50,882
Hey, listen, Russell, um,
307
00:12:50,883 --> 00:12:53,017
we're having a little birthday
dinner for Mom tonight,
308
00:12:53,018 --> 00:12:55,853
so if you're not doing anything,
maybe you'd like to join us.
309
00:12:55,854 --> 00:12:57,221
Oh, what a wonderful idea.
310
00:12:57,222 --> 00:12:58,389
I'd love to.
311
00:12:58,390 --> 00:12:59,624
What can I bring...
312
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:00,858
Xanax, Ritalin?
313
00:13:00,859 --> 00:13:02,260
What are you serving?
314
00:13:02,261 --> 00:13:04,495
Chinese takeout.
315
00:13:04,496 --> 00:13:06,814
Then, perhaps something
from the opiate family.
316
00:13:06,815 --> 00:13:08,065
(Evelyn laughs)
317
00:13:08,066 --> 00:13:09,667
Bring whatever you want.
318
00:13:09,668 --> 00:13:11,068
Done and done.
319
00:13:11,069 --> 00:13:13,538
And I will see you later,
birthday girl.
320
00:13:13,539 --> 00:13:17,475
Well, I'll see you later,
anatomically correct boy.
321
00:13:18,343 --> 00:13:20,011
So, around 7:00?
322
00:13:20,012 --> 00:13:22,146
With bells on.
Thanks for the invite.
323
00:13:22,147 --> 00:13:23,681
You're welcome.
324
00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:27,468
You poor, clueless bastard.
325
00:13:27,469 --> 00:13:30,120
♪ Men. ♪
326
00:13:30,121 --> 00:13:33,123
I don't know why I didn't
think of this years ago.
327
00:13:33,124 --> 00:13:34,592
Russell's perfect for Mom.
328
00:13:34,593 --> 00:13:36,994
They've both been
divorced multiple times,
329
00:13:36,995 --> 00:13:39,497
they're both trying desperately
to hang onto their youth,
330
00:13:39,498 --> 00:13:43,134
plus, they're both big
fans of class A narcotics.
331
00:13:43,135 --> 00:13:45,369
Does Russell have kids?
332
00:13:45,370 --> 00:13:48,272
Uh, none that he admits to.
333
00:13:48,273 --> 00:13:50,775
BOTH:
Just like Mom.
334
00:13:50,776 --> 00:13:52,810
EVELYN:
Well, boys,
335
00:13:52,811 --> 00:13:54,996
what do you think?
336
00:13:54,997 --> 00:13:57,331
Wow, you look terrific.
337
00:13:57,332 --> 00:13:58,783
It's not too much, is it?
338
00:13:58,784 --> 00:14:01,285
No, no, no, the bright colors
are good for Russell.
339
00:14:01,286 --> 00:14:02,887
It keeps him from nodding off.
340
00:14:02,888 --> 00:14:06,123
I just want you both to know
how grateful I am for everything
341
00:14:06,124 --> 00:14:08,559
you've done to make this
a special birthday for me.
342
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:09,677
Well, you're-you're
welcome, Mom.
343
00:14:09,678 --> 00:14:11,262
Just want to make you happy.
344
00:14:11,263 --> 00:14:13,714
Thank you, but if you really
wanted to make me happy,
345
00:14:13,715 --> 00:14:15,366
you would have made
different life choices.
346
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:16,634
(doorbell rings)
347
00:14:16,635 --> 00:14:18,552
Oh, that's him.
348
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:21,022
Hang on.
349
00:14:21,023 --> 00:14:23,808
All right, open the door.
350
00:14:30,582 --> 00:14:31,899
Russell?
351
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,284
Russell!
352
00:14:33,285 --> 00:14:34,652
Oh, hi, Charlie.
353
00:14:34,653 --> 00:14:36,220
This is Jill.
354
00:14:36,221 --> 00:14:38,222
Oh, hi, Jill.
Come on in.
355
00:14:38,223 --> 00:14:39,657
Thanks.
356
00:14:39,658 --> 00:14:41,692
What's with the date?
357
00:14:41,693 --> 00:14:44,128
Well, you said bring
whatever I want.
358
00:14:44,129 --> 00:14:45,563
I want her.
359
00:14:46,732 --> 00:14:48,532
I'll be right back.
360
00:14:48,533 --> 00:14:50,835
Where are you going?
To put on panties.
361
00:14:52,888 --> 00:14:54,905
♪ Men. ♪
362
00:14:54,906 --> 00:14:57,541
So, uh, what do you do
for a living, Jill?
363
00:14:57,542 --> 00:15:00,544
Well, I'm an actress,
but you know how it is.
364
00:15:00,545 --> 00:15:03,214
Once you turn 30, parts dry up.
365
00:15:03,215 --> 00:15:05,216
You think your parts
are drying up now,
366
00:15:05,217 --> 00:15:07,585
wait'll you turn 50.
367
00:15:07,586 --> 00:15:09,053
Ah, don't worry, sweetie.
368
00:15:09,054 --> 00:15:11,722
By the time you're 50,
I'll be dead.
369
00:15:14,926 --> 00:15:17,294
So, how long have
you two been dating?
370
00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:18,829
We're not dating.
371
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,131
We have an arrangement.
372
00:15:20,132 --> 00:15:21,399
Arrangement?
373
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,900
I let him climb on top of me
374
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:25,302
a couple of times a month,
and he pays my rent.
375
00:15:30,409 --> 00:15:34,145
Four glorious months
and counting.
376
00:15:34,146 --> 00:15:36,246
Hey, Russell,
you mind helping me
377
00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:37,748
make another batch
of margaritas?
378
00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:39,600
Oh, it'd be my pleasure.
379
00:15:39,601 --> 00:15:42,520
You know what's good
on the rim of a margarita?
380
00:15:42,521 --> 00:15:43,754
Salt?
381
00:15:43,755 --> 00:15:45,956
Pharmaceutical cocaine.
382
00:15:45,957 --> 00:15:48,592
It's actually good
around the rim of anything.
383
00:15:50,429 --> 00:15:52,029
Okay, I'm only
gonna ask this once.
384
00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:54,265
What did you think I
meant when I invited you
385
00:15:54,266 --> 00:15:56,067
to a birthday dinner
for my single mother?
386
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:57,601
I don't know.
387
00:15:57,602 --> 00:15:59,136
When you came into the store,
388
00:15:59,137 --> 00:16:02,206
I was higher
than Mel Gibson on Passover.
389
00:16:04,443 --> 00:16:06,444
I cannot believe you
actually walked in here
390
00:16:06,445 --> 00:16:08,512
with a smokin'
hot 30-year-old.
391
00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:10,281
What's so hard to believe?
392
00:16:10,282 --> 00:16:13,584
She's an out-of-work actress,
and I have money and drugs.
393
00:16:17,155 --> 00:16:19,623
I guess this isn't exactly
the birthday party
394
00:16:19,624 --> 00:16:21,292
you were hoping for.
395
00:16:21,293 --> 00:16:24,695
No, no, what every woman dreams
of is her sons fixing her up
396
00:16:24,696 --> 00:16:28,532
with a man who arrives with
a young, hot... arrangement.
397
00:16:30,969 --> 00:16:33,437
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
398
00:16:33,438 --> 00:16:36,407
when he touches me,
I want to vomit.
399
00:16:36,408 --> 00:16:39,577
It actually does, thank you.
400
00:16:39,578 --> 00:16:42,046
You know, it's, uh...
it's funny you should say that.
401
00:16:42,047 --> 00:16:45,015
Um, my first wife Judith, uh,
towards the end of our marriage,
402
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:47,952
uh, used to make this face
like, uh, like she was gagging.
403
00:16:47,953 --> 00:16:49,120
Sort of a...
404
00:16:49,121 --> 00:16:51,355
No one cares, Alan.
405
00:16:53,358 --> 00:16:55,559
Now, Jill, listen to me.
406
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,696
You still have time to
make changes in your life.
407
00:16:58,697 --> 00:17:03,367
You don't want to end up old
and used-up and alone like me.
408
00:17:03,368 --> 00:17:04,635
I'm always here for you, Mom.
409
00:17:04,636 --> 00:17:06,370
(sighs)
410
00:17:07,339 --> 00:17:08,722
Like I said, make changes.
411
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:11,442
CHARLIE:
Okay.
412
00:17:11,443 --> 00:17:13,944
Another margarita
for the birthday chiquita.
413
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,147
Oh, hit me.
414
00:17:17,215 --> 00:17:20,818
Um, Evelyn, I believe
I owe you an apology.
415
00:17:20,819 --> 00:17:22,453
(Russell sighs)
416
00:17:22,454 --> 00:17:23,988
When Charlie invited me
to dinner,
417
00:17:23,989 --> 00:17:26,423
I had no idea
that he was thinking
418
00:17:26,424 --> 00:17:29,860
that you and I were
a potential couple.
419
00:17:29,861 --> 00:17:32,096
I mean, you're
420
00:17:32,097 --> 00:17:33,597
a handsome woman...
421
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:38,669
...but my tastes run more to
422
00:17:38,670 --> 00:17:40,938
baby veal.
423
00:17:41,773 --> 00:17:43,774
I understand.
424
00:17:43,775 --> 00:17:46,410
She's veal, and I'm jerky.
425
00:17:46,411 --> 00:17:49,013
Good, so you get it.
426
00:17:51,049 --> 00:17:52,817
Excuse me.
427
00:17:52,818 --> 00:17:54,735
(clears throat)
428
00:17:54,736 --> 00:17:58,255
Wow. That could
have been awkward.
429
00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:01,926
One of us should
probably go talk to her.
430
00:18:06,431 --> 00:18:08,582
I'll go talk to her.
431
00:18:12,838 --> 00:18:15,539
I can't believe
I'm hitting that.
432
00:18:16,842 --> 00:18:19,944
I can't believe
I'm not hitting you.
433
00:18:21,913 --> 00:18:23,914
♪ Men. ♪
434
00:18:23,915 --> 00:18:28,419
Wait, wait... you're opening
a drug rehab facility in Malibu?
435
00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:29,553
(laughs)
436
00:18:29,554 --> 00:18:33,724
No, not-not rehab, prehab.
437
00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:36,994
What the hell is that?
Prehab?
438
00:18:36,995 --> 00:18:39,096
All right, think about it.
439
00:18:39,097 --> 00:18:41,866
Rich celebrities
will spend $50,000 a month
440
00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:44,535
to go some place nice
where they won't do drugs.
441
00:18:44,536 --> 00:18:46,804
Imagine how much
they would spend
442
00:18:46,805 --> 00:18:49,173
to go to a snazzy place
on the beach
443
00:18:49,174 --> 00:18:51,442
to do them.
444
00:18:53,678 --> 00:18:55,713
What about the legal issues?
445
00:18:55,714 --> 00:18:57,848
What are you, a cop?
446
00:18:57,849 --> 00:18:59,183
No.
447
00:18:59,184 --> 00:19:01,518
Then shut up.
448
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:02,753
Hey, is it me,
449
00:19:02,754 --> 00:19:05,723
or have Mom and Jill been
gone for quite a while?
450
00:19:05,724 --> 00:19:08,259
Time is a very
subjective thing, Charlie,
451
00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:12,129
especially when you're abusing
powerful anti-psychotics.
452
00:19:17,035 --> 00:19:19,570
One of us should probably
go check and see
453
00:19:19,571 --> 00:19:21,772
if everything's okay.
454
00:19:25,844 --> 00:19:29,647
One of us should probably
answer that phone first.
455
00:19:30,448 --> 00:19:32,683
♪ Men. ♪
456
00:19:35,754 --> 00:19:37,955
Mom?
457
00:19:38,890 --> 00:19:41,041
(water running)
458
00:19:44,629 --> 00:19:46,297
EVELYN (laughing):
Oh, that tickles.
459
00:19:46,298 --> 00:19:48,432
JILL (laughing):
You started it.
460
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:49,967
Happy birthday.
461
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:51,535
EVELYN:
Oh, Jill.
462
00:19:51,536 --> 00:19:53,203
JILL:
Oh, Evelyn.
463
00:19:53,204 --> 00:19:55,839
(women laughing)
464
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,041
On three?
465
00:19:57,042 --> 00:19:58,726
You wait till three.
466
00:19:59,527 --> 00:20:01,712
♪ Men. ♪
467
00:20:04,068 --> 00:20:05,769
♪ Men. ♪
468
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,237
(TV plays in the background)
469
00:20:07,238 --> 00:20:10,423
I can't believe Mom ran off
with this idiot's girlfriend.
470
00:20:10,424 --> 00:20:13,243
I can't believe
this idiot's still here.
471
00:20:14,712 --> 00:20:17,013
It's not that I can't hear you.
472
00:20:17,014 --> 00:20:19,983
It's that I'm busy
talking to Jim Morrison.
473
00:20:20,818 --> 00:20:23,420
Incredible.
474
00:20:23,421 --> 00:20:25,622
Excuse me a minute, Jim.
475
00:20:25,623 --> 00:20:27,557
I don't want
to spook you fellas,
476
00:20:27,558 --> 00:20:29,459
but I took a handful of Viagra
477
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:33,229
in anticipation
of a different kind of evening.
478
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:35,749
Three.
Three.
479
00:20:44,508 --> 00:20:45,842
What are you looking at?
480
00:20:45,843 --> 00:20:48,911
Sync for www.addicted.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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