All language subtitles for Byline Dinner at Noon

I was conceived in a strange bedroom.

My birthday, like my brother's,
is in May.

And though three years separate us,
we were both born on the same date.

Counting back the months,

I realise we must both
have been conceived

during the old August bank holiday

in a boarding house bedroom in
Morecambe or Flamborough or Filey.

Oilcloth on the floor,

jug and basin on the wash-hand stand,
a bathroom on the next landing.

Nowhere like this, anyway.

Still, I might be expected to feel
at home in rented accommodation.

But for years, nowhere filled me
with the same unease as did a hotel.

A town of teashops,
a nice run out from Leeds,

Harrogate, where hotels abound
and always have.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Crown Hotel. Good morning,
how may I help you?

I'll put you through.

Once visitors came to take the waters.

Now it's a leisure break
or a conference.

A mecca for the businessman.

Nowadays I like hotels,
at any rate, in small doses.

They're a setting where you
see people trying to behave,

which is always more interesting
than them just behaving.

When people are on their best behaviour,
they aren't always at their best.

But I wasn't always so relaxed.

For years, hotels and restaurants
were, for me, theatres of humiliation.

And the business of eating in public
every bit as fraught with risk and shame

as taking one's clothes off.

What it was,

when we were little,
my parents didn't have much money

and when we went into cafes,
the drill was for my mum and dad

to order a pot of tea for two
and maybe a token cake.

And my brother and me'd be given
sips of tea from their cup.

While under the table
my mother unwrapped

a parcel of bread and butter
that she'd brought from home.

And she smuggled pieces
to my brother and me,

which we had to eat
while the waitress wasn't looking.

The fear of discovery, exposure,
and ignominious expulsion

stayed with me well into my twenties.

And memories of that
and similar embarrassments

come back whenever I stay in a hotel.

Not that this is an intimidating
establishment at all.

It's comfortable and straightforward

and caters for what the marketing men
call ''a good social mix''.

I hope that's what the film's about.

Not class, which I don't like,

but classes, types, which I do.

And a hotel like this
is a good place to see them.

Behaviour's a bit muted
but that's part of the setting.

The foyers of American hotels are like
station concourses or airport lounges.

They're really part of the street.

So you don't expect people to behave
in any particular way.

Here, with the sofas and the fire,

we still visibly relate it
to the hall of the country house,

and people try to behave accordingly.

For some, of course,
this isn't too big a jump.

WOMAN: We're such a pair.
Reading Country Life in York.

So boring. Is yours boring?

-(LAUGHING) No, mine's riveting.
-Mine's thoroughly dull.

Yeah, that's what they're for.

WOMAN: Ah, look at that fox.
Isn't it gorgeous?

MAN: Hmm.

That's why those country houses
round here are going for lots,

because people moving out of London

sell their three-bedroom flat
in Notting Hill

and buy a huge country mansion.

WOMAN: No, I don't think
it's only the prices that are different.

Listen, that's not a bad one, either.
The Thirsty Farmer.

-The what?
-Thirsty Farmer.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Rattling Jack.

Well, that'll be a good one.
That's sure to be all right.

BENNETT: I've never been able to
get worked up

about class and its distinctions.

-You sugared it, did you?
-I've sugared it, yes.

But then, I've never felt
the conventional three-tier account

of social divisions
has much to do with the case.

What class are these?

My parents would have called them
''a grand couple''.

-Is it sweet enough for you?
-Hmm?

Sweet enough for you?

Yes, it never worries me.

My mother's scheme of things

admitted of much finer distinctions
than were allowed by the sociologists.

She'd talk about people being
better class, well-off,

nicely spoken, refined, educated,

genuine, ordinary,

and the ultimate condemnation, common.

Wonder if I could trust you?

-What? To pick one?
-No.

-What?
-Very Special Lady.

Oh, well. Well, I am at the moment,
aren't I?

(CHUCKLES)

Don't know how long
you'll keep me that way but...

Oh, we'll have a bit of fun
while we're here.

Your pencil's upside down.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

CLERK: Can I book you
a paper for the morning

or a morning call?

Um, The Daily Telegraph and
don't bother with the morning call.

We get up at half-ish five, normally.

-(CHUCKLING)
-Oh, dear. Sorry.

605 is round the corridor
to your right.

Shall I take the bags for you
or are you...?

No, no, we're being...

Right. Right through there,
thank you. Right, this way.

BENNETT: I always carry my bags myself.
Avoids the tip.

It's not the money.

Like catching the barman's eye,
it's a skill I've never mastered.

But then, my parents graduated
from boarding houses to hotels

when I was in my teens,
when at my most thin-skinned.

405, this way.

-Which way? This way?
-Down here.

Hope the weather's good for you.

-Here we are, then.
-Well, it hasn't really been...

PORTER: It's been lovely for the last

-couple of days.
-That's right.

Arriving at the hotel, like leaving it,
was fraught with anxiety,

as there was always
the question of the tip.

Dad would probably
have his shilling ready

before he'd even signed the register.

And when the porter
had shown them up to their room,

would give it to him, but
as often as not misjudging the moment,

not waiting till his final departure

but slipping it to him
while he was still demonstrating

what facilities the room had to offer.

The commodious wardrobe,
the luxurious bathroom...

So that the tip came
as an unwelcome interruption.

And you've got, uh,
you've got Geoffrey Smith coming?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Once the potentially dangerous procedure
of arrival had been got through,

the luggage fetched up,
the porter endowed with his shilling

and the door finally closed,

my parents' apprehension
gave way to huge relief.

It was as if they had bluffed their way
into the enemy camp.

And relief gave way to giggles as they
explored the delights of the place.

(IMITATING HIS MOTHER) ''Come look in
here, Dad. It's a spanking place.

''There's umpteen towels.''

Every family has a secret.

And the secret is that
it's not like other families.

In a new refinement of gentility,

the maids these days plait the ends
of the toilet roll.

It's a good job they didn't do this
when I was a child

or I'd have imagined this was
standard practice throughout the land,

our family's toilet roll unique in its
ragged and inconsequent termination.

This was long before the days
of trouser presses and hair dryers,

and even kettles in the rooms came in
just too late for my parents.

That would have been
the ultimate, though.

With the kettle and the wherewithal
to make some tea,

they could have fetched some stuff
in from outside,

been free of the terrors
of the dining room

and never needed to stir
out of the room at all.

Can you just register, please?
It's just the lower bit there.

MAN: (LAUGHING) Next destination.

WOMAN: And she's got lovely legs,
beautiful legs, and a lovely face.

And hips like that.

It just shows you, you know.
It's just like everybody before...

BENNETT: So, what's on the agenda
for today, then?

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)

Although these are amateurs,

fashion shows seem brisker
than they once were.

Gone, the languid elegance
of Barbara Golan,

not even a name to Janet and Tina,
cavorting on the catwalk.

-That was fun dancing.
-Keep the shoulders up.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I thought I was doing
that shoulder thing when we...

WOMAN 1 : Are you gonna do
your shoulder thing and turn?

WOMAN 2: Yeah. All right...
WOMAN 1 : So that...

WOMAN 2: I forgot about that.
WOMAN 1 : If you can swap sides.

MAN: York has this lovely sewage problem
that we all know so much about.

In fact, Tracy's...

Tracy's got more to spend
on sewage than you have, mate.

Well, they wouldn't have delivered any
toilet rolls or serviettes, would they?

BENNETT: What is new in hotels
are the meetings.

In the Grosvenor Room, the manageresses
of some roadside eateries

are being grilled by Andy,
the local representative.

MAN: ...rush through it a bit quick,
but, um...

Tracy has sewage problems,

which Andy will want to talk her through
before reporting back to District,

where he will be grilled in his turn.
Another meeting.

Okay, because the budgets are out,

but they're not out in computer form
at the moment.

So, in order to help you...

Steer clear of Rainton North,
seems to be the message.

Discerning diners go to Thirsk.

MAN: Doesn't need an awful lot
doing to it,

so consequently it's paying the money
for other restaurants to benefit.

(WOMEN TALKING AT ONCE)

Yeah, yeah. But then eventually
there'll come a time when Tracy

needs special maintenance,
probably on drainage.

MAN: In which case, she doesn't pay
for the drainage, you see.

It comes back
through special maintenance...

MALE DOCTOR: Of these volunteers,

at least one half, and it can be more,
if you can do this,

are going to be what we call starters.

That is, they have not been using
hormonal contraceptives

in the previous two months.

BENNETT: In the Melbourne Room,
the doctors wrestle with birth control.

And the topic is not confined
to the Melbourne Room, either.

In the lobby begins a muted saga
from the same department.

WOMAN: I tell her,
''Look me up in the phone book, '"

she wouldn't tell me where it was.

And I said, ''You just pass
this message on to him,

''and tell him that I've a bit of
experience 'cause I've gone through it.''

I said, ''But you can't leave
a woman like this,

''she's haemorrhaging, by herself.''

just along to the left side,
you're on the first floor.

Thank you very much.

He says, ''you've got a very
good friend, Mrs Burningham.''

I thought that was nice, wasn't it?

And he said, ''I'm glad she did.''
He was going to leave about Monday.

Anyway, he's coming now
so he's made a fuss.

And you see, the receptionist,
you don't listen to these receptionists.

I mean, they... You know, so...
Always so... I don't know.

The coffee's not very hot.

(CHUCKLES)

My parents liked
this side of hotel life.

And they would have liked
this kind of hotel.

Weddings, dinner dances,
functions galore.

Not that there'd ever be anything in
which they'd dream of participating.

Only there'd be more to see.
More types, more going off.

They'd station themselves on a sofa
and watch what went on.

Other people leading their lives.

And envying the accomplishment
with which they led them.

Without realising, my mother
would make up stories about people.

''You see that woman over there?

''I think she's the owner of the hotel.

''And that fellow with her
must be her nephew.''

And when the woman came in next day
by herself, she'd say,

''Oh, I see the owner's here.

''She must have quarrelled
with her nephew.''

Forgetting it was all invention
in the first place.

CLERK: It's Room 6.
MAN: Thank you.

CLERK: Enjoy your stay?
MAN: Yes, yes, very much.

CLERK: Thank you very much.

Even if I have been at work all day.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

MAN: The responsibility for
private sector housing,

grants, health and safety,
noise and air pollution control,

and caravan sites.

Quite an impressive list.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Mr Mayor, Mr President,
thank you for those kind words,

and friends.

Today, I feel very proud
to stand before you all

as Chairman of the General Council

of the Institution of
Environmental Health Officers.

To have that honour this year
is the highlight, so far,

of my professional career.

And today, for me,
is perhaps the ultimate memory

that I shall hold
for the remainder of my life.

For today, Mr Mayor,
there is that ultimate recognition

from the two organisations
that I hold dear.

The Institution
and Harrogate Borough Council,

both of which have had
such an important influence

on my personal and professional life.

BENNETT: While in the Montpellier Room,

the apotheosis of a sanitary inspector
reaches its tail end,

some chic little five-year-olds
head for another function

in the Bronte Room.

-Five already.
-Five already! When are you six?

There must be Bronte Rooms
all over Yorkshire,

venues for discos
and parades of beachwear,

demonstrations of
fire-fighting equipment

and new lines in toiletries,

all brought under the grim umbrella

of those three ailing and
unconvivial sisters.

Today, it's jelly and a conjurer.

WOMAN: That's fine.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

More treats, an outing.

The old people slowly trek
towards the Grosvenor Room.

-Follow... Follow the leader.
-I'm following.

MAN: By the right, quick, march.

(MAN HUMMING)

WOMAN: What a jolly party.
We're out for tea!

WOMAN 1 : We've been here, though,
once before, haven't we, Ann?

ANN: I didn't come.
WOMAN 1 : I can't tell what it is.

WOMAN 2: Here you are.

MAN 1 : Thank you, love.
I haven't a plate.

WOMAN 3: Oh, would you like me
to put jam on your scone for you?

WOMAN :4 Yes, you have no plate.
WOMAN 5: Put that jam on for you.

WOMAN 3: Do you want me
to put the jam on for you?

-Have this one.
-WOMAN 2: No, it's all right.

BENNETT: One more tea
in a lifetime of teas.

They'll have had teas all over
in their time.

Teas in Hitchens in Leeds
and Brown Muffs in Bradford.

Teas in Betty's,
in Marshall and Snelgrove.

Teas when they were courting,
teas after they got married, tea now.

WOMAN 6: They'll never come back.

MAN 1 : Well, they're trying their best
to do so.

MAN 2: No, thanks.
MAN 1 : That's what it is.

I like ladies like Mrs Baker
and Miss Wood,

and don't think of them as old people.

Just as Paris is geared
to 35-year-old career women,

so is the North to women like these.

In London,
they'd be displaced and fearful.

Here, accomplished pianists
and stylish ballroom dancers,

they still help rule the roost.

WOMAN 3: Yes, you don't think...

MAN 3: Well, we're supposed to be
having another meal at 5:30.

(WOMAN EXCLAIMING)

MAN 3: I thought we were just
having a drink of tea now.

WOMAN 7: They're sainted, aren't they?

I don't normally eat this sort of thing.
What's that?

It's chocolate.

just chocolate.
I'll have a wee chocolate.

(CHUCKLES) No, thank you,
that's quite enough.

That's a record for me, anyway.

I love anything chocolatey. Thank you.

WOMAN 2: It's like having
something like that

in all the songs, you know.
And you think they're old songs.

But that's what I remember
about Harrogate,

I used to come in my youth
to Harrogate, to the Majestic,

and the... What do you call
the one that's closed now?

Cra... Grand.

-WOMAN 2: The Grand Hotel.
-And dance there a lot. It was lovely.

MAN: God! That reminds me I did a...

I did a sword dance in the Albert Hall,
in a wee kilt,

when I was 1 2 years of age, as a scout.

A Caledonian, you know,
a sword dance that crossed swords.

My God. You can do that when you're 1 2
but you daren't do it when you're 1 4.

It's a funny thing,
this puberty business

when you think of it, isn't it?

('50s ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

BENNETT: Puberty long since behind them,

the nicely-off members
of the Boston Spa Tennis Club

have said farewell to embarrassment

and are whooping it up
at their annual disco.

Never having been able to dance,

watching it generally fills me
with envy and melancholy.

But all this does is to convince me of
the ultimate charms of a Zimmer frame.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

CLERK: Reception, can I help you?

Yes, you can have both English
and Continental in your room.

If you just put the card that's on
your bed, if you put it on the door,

then the night porter picks it up
in the night for you

and you'll have your breakfast
Saturday morning. All right?

BENNETT: The pound is twitching
this morning, the radio says.

But it doesn't seem to be upsetting
the business appetite.

Breakfast as a meal
never occurred in our house.

And with our motto of ''Let's pretend
we're like everyone else';

this was another fact we concealed
from the outside world.

We imagined that every family except us

sat down together to a cooked breakfast,

an assumption a hotel seems to confirm.

It lives on as a myth
in television commercials,

but I can't think anybody's taken in.

Still, it's the business of hotels
to be one step behind the times.

Hotels, like colonies, keeping up
a way of life that is already outmoded.

Beverly goes hoover, hoover
outside the day's first meeting,

this time a meeting about
how to hold meetings.

The discipline of the meeting
is very important.

And I'm sure that most of you
have had an enormous amount

of experience when thinking of
some of the meetings that you've had

and the lack of discipline that's caused
a considerable waste of time.

The person has got to have the ability
to be able to present himself.

He's got to be competent
to present the company.

Okay, any more questions?

BENNETT: Meanwhile, the lobby swarms
with amateur gardeners

off to the Harrogate Flower Show.

Hobbies were another thing
our family never managed.

Dad played the violin

and Mum went through
a lampshade making phase

but nothing ever got them in its teeth.

Not like these nice, gentle people.
They are fanatics.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

''In the context of ground cover,
dare one mention the humble myosotis?'"

And off go the gardeners
to the flower show. Lucky them.

LECTURER: Of course, the people who get
the work may well be the same people

who supervise the doing of the work.

But no truants among the businessmen,

who have another lesson before playtime.

An owner who starts his own company
may well clear his dining room table

in the evening, and do this part.
And, to a great extent, this as well.

In all sorts of ways,
companies operate in different means.

As we get bigger,
of course we have establishments,

we have departments,
we may even have office blocks

for the people who are doing that.

Oddly touching, I find,
these middle-aged schoolboys.

Still wanting to learn,
still convinced they can do it better.

Wives left at home,
whom they'll go up and phone later,

to tell them how well
their group did in the test.

...by making a profit.

When, in fact, what we ought
to be doing is dead simple,

just keep taking pound notes from people
and keep them smiling as you do it.

It's as simple as that.

-How are you, sir?
-Pleased to meet you, Mr Mayor.

-Hello, Madam Mayor. How are you?
-Fine.

Good.

-The drinks are here, is it?
-Yes, indeed.

BENNETT: The Flower Show Committee
are having drinks in the Bronte Bar,

flowers flushing out of a lot of what my
mother would call ''the better class''.

-Oh, yes.
-You really are showing how to do things

That is right.
And they're awful conditions.

And the winds come
straight off Ilkley Moor.

All I'll say is
a lot of things grow jolly well.

I usually come on the thing.
We think it's rather a nice day to come.

That's what I've been saying,
let's walk, today.

-Did you?
-Yes, I did.

Oh, I'm so glad. Because we could
do the valley gardens which are lovely,

and then have a pinewood walk,
and then come to our 70 acres.

-Have a cup of tea or something?
-Yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

No, I liked Australia
better than New Zealand.

Simply because
New Zealand's more like Europe.

Of course it is. Yes, yes, yes.

-Did you go?
-Yes, we went.

BENNETT: My parents never went to,
still less, gave a cocktail party.

They education they always
regretted not having

would have had cocktails
on the syllabus.

And small talk.
And the ability to converse.

And the necessary accomplishment
of saying things one doesn't mean.

-WOMAN: We're so lucky with the weather.
-I know.

I mean, yesterday we thought, ''Oh, gosh,
we're in for an absolute soaking.''

I know. Pouring at home
when we came up Sunday.

MAN: Thought January was
pretty good, didn't you?

When you think of the famous time

when the snow came
and the roof crashed in.

(LAUGHING) That was awful, wasn't it?

I say equally good, back or front.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Hello, Esther.
-Hello, Ed. How are you?

ED: Very well, thanks.

Do you know the Mayor and Mayoress?

-No, we haven't been introduced yet.
-Yes, we have.

The real solvent of class distinction
is a proper measure of self-esteem.

A kind of unselfconsciousness.

Some people are at ease with themselves
so the world is at ease with them.

My parents thought this kind of ease
was produced by education.

''Your dad and me can't mix,
we've not been educated.''

They didn't see that what
disqualified them was temperament.

just as, though educated up to the hilt,
it disqualifies me.

What keeps us in our place
is embarrassment.

WOMAN: Mind you,
it's getting to the stage

where it takes a bit more
out of you every year.

WOMAN 2: That's right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BENNETT: Not that there's much
embarrassment in the ballroom,

where the road hauliers' wives
are also having a do.

Less refined, these ladies,

some of them, dare one say,
a little common.

But jollier by a long chalk.

What do they talk about?

Youth? Trysts in long-gone
transport caffs?

Marriages that began in lay-bys?
Or even in a long tailback on the M6?

How, at 1 7, and soaked to the skin,

one stood for hours
at the Wakefield turnoff

when suddenly Mr Right,
ferrying a load of Minced Morsels

from Rochdale to Penzance,

slowed his juggernaut
to a halt beside her?

And now they've got a fleet of six
and a son at catering college.

And she's having her lunch in Harrogate.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

WOMAN: I think you've got
a little devil!

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BENNETT: The mayor of Harrogate

has collared the Bronte Room
this lunchtime

to entertain his fellow mayors.

The party includes a French delegation
from Harrogate's twin town, Luchon.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

The French mayor has been twinned
with the wife of the President

of the North of England
Horticultural Society.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What are you using it for?
What are you using it for?

What are you using it for?
What are you using the gallows for?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

That's right. Yes, yes.

(ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

That's their greeting to you
in the morning, is it?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I'm so glad. I'm really glad you came.

BENNETT: Oh.

Charlotte and Emily.
Nothing has changed.

A Mr Heathcliff is calling you
from a Howarth call box

and wishes you to pay for the call.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-Oh, I say.
-Yeah, I heard about that.

BENNETT: Mr and Mrs MC Dakin
request the pleasure of your company

on the occasion of the marriage
of their daughter, Susan Margaret,

with Dr Robert Frederick Logan

at St John the Divine Parish Church,
Menston,

on Saturday the 23rd of April, 1 988,
at 4 p.m.

And afterwards,
at The Crown Hotel, Harrogate.

How are you?

(ALL CHATTERING)

BENNETT: The slippers are a bit of
tradition invented by the hotel.

''Do you want the slippers and champagne?

''People seem to like them.
It's a little touch that we do.

''Makes it a bit...classier. '"

They go in the dishwasher now,
the slippers.

Difficult to get a tea towel
into the toes.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN: There's no queue there.
We're enjoying it.

-Yours is round the corner.
-Round the corner here?

MAN: Yes, it's on the right.

CLERK: What type of
an accommodation do you require?

Twin bedded room? And is it
for anything special at all or...?

Oh, that's lovely. I can offer you...

We actually do an extra special occasion
as a leisure break weekend

for that weekend, which is...

Bye.

BENNETT: The end of a leisure break
for one couple.

But for some, it was once all leisure.

-See you.
-Bye.

MAN: I never see a hotel like this

but I see my father walking about,

smoking a cigar,
with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

WOMAN: (CHUCKLING) Oh, yes?

MAN: The ruination of our home.
WOMAN: Yes, yes.

-Some memories never die, do they?
-MAN: No.

WOMAN 2: Do you want two or... ?
WOMAN 3: Only one.

-Do you want any jam on this?
-I don't want any.

No.

-Eat it, don't leave it.
-Well, I can't eat it all alone.

-I'll eat...
-Oh, you mustn't leave it.

I can't eat any more.
I'll have this piece.

MAN: Is it possible
to have scones and butter and jam

and a pot of tea and toast?

-Is that possible?
-WAITRESS: Yes.

MAN: Thank you, very much.
Scones and butter and jam

and some nice toast.

WAITRESS: White or brown bread?

WOMAN: This used to be all in one.
Before they put the bar there.

And in this hotel,
I've seen this altered quite a lot.

I was in here one morning having coffee
and there was Lord Hailsham in,

and he came across and
shook hands with me.

When we were at home we always had
our dinner at lunchtime.

And for my parents, anything that came
after that was never more than a snack.

So that when I was at university
and they came to see me,

we'd go into the hotel dining room
at night

and the waiter would present the menu.

And my mum would say the dread words,
''Do you do a poached egg on toast?''

Then we'd slink from the dining room,

the only family in England
not to have its dinner at night.

Yeah, I'll have a smaller piece,
just very tiny.

-Very tiny.
-Yes.

There you are.

And I wouldn't...
Mind you, just very small.

''Would you like the wine list?''
the waiter would ask.

''Not really,'' Dad would say.

One had to be quick in order to stop
Mum explaining about his duodenal ulcer.

Mind you, what wine was there
that would go with spaghetti on toast?

''Which is really all we want
at this time in the evening.''

That's fine, thank you.

-Potatoes?
-Yes, please.

-I'm a growing lad, you know.
-Yes.

As I grew older and came
to delight in these eccentricities

and cease to be embarrassed by them,

my parents still struggled to fulfil

what they imagined
were my aspirations for them.

''We've found an alcoholic drink
that we like,'' my mother said.

''It's called bitter lemon.''

Of course, by this time my aspirations
for them had changed anyway.

Now I wanted them to stay the same
as they'd been when I was a child.

It didn't matter any more.

You know what Judy's like.

He just put the water down
and me and Judy just went...to you...

(LAUGHING)

MAN: It's about time we actually
got into a real...

You know, I noticed that
in the staff room.

WOMAN: I can't wait,
I can't wait for tomorrow.

I got into the swing
of doing speeches now.

(LAUGHS) But I'm not quite
as good as you, though.

When you... When you have to follow you,
it's a bit hard.

BENNETT: These are TVrental reps.
And reluctant though I am to admit it,

I can see that with their conferences
and camaraderie and their leisurewear,

it's business people like these
who are banishing class from hotels

and elsewhere.

The snobbish bit of me regrets this.
But it's a small regret.

If you want a poached egg,
you can have a poached egg.

And there's no nonsense about ties
or even jeans.

This is what they put on
after a day at the office,

so this is what they put on here.

They're at home in hotels,
they're at home everywhere.

I envy them.

My main role is I'm an innovator,

so I have innovated in the areas
which I work.

And my intention is to be
the first in the field

to make it very profitable

and to enlarge the turnover by
at least twice over the next two years.

What I want to do is understand
whether the people in the roles

that I have are doing the job

that they're supposed to be doing
professionally.

And if it's not, to gauge the cost
that I would incur

to change those for people
who are very professional.

BENNETT: I suppose one of the purposes
of coming to this hotel in Harrogate

was an evangelical one.

I wanted to find people who were
as awkward as I used to be

in these surroundings
and show them it didn't matter.

Only I didn't find them,
and besides, quite sensibly,

everybody seems to know
it doesn't matter.

I wanted to revive or relocate
some of the embarrassments

and awkwardnesses I felt
when I was younger. I didn't.

I'm older, the world has changed,

and maybe it's the businessmen
who've changed it.

Class isn't what it was,
or nowadays, perhaps,

people's embarrassments
are differently located.

WOMAN: Perhaps go up to
the Prince of Wales at Southport.

I could just get across the road
and sit on the seat

-and look at the shops, you know.
-Yes.

I thought that to be rather nice,

-what do you think?
-Yes, yes. It would be nice.

That's the most revolting smell.
Can't you smell it?

-I can now.
-Ooh, it's horrible.

And today lunch, where you going?

Today for lunch, I'm going home.

-MAN: Usual Sunday lunch?
-No.

-MAN: No?
-I've got a lovely piece of steak.

MAN: Ah, good.

Ever so common, with chips and peas.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you, very much. Thank you, bye.

And that was going to be it.

I came back to London after the filming
had finished by train.

And as it was the weekend
I paid the f3 supplement

and went first class.

I was sitting there when
the ticket collector came round.

He looked at my ticket.

''Oh, you don't belong in here,'' he said.
''These are proper first class people.

''The f3 supplement are further down.

''Come on, out.''

WOMAN 1 : Eat it, don't leave it.
WOMAN 2: Well, I can't eat it all alone.

-I'll eat it...
-Oh, you mustn't leave it.

MAN: Eventually there'll come a time
when Tracy needs special maintenance,

probably on drainage.

WOMAN: Would you like me to put
jam on your scone for you?

MAN: That is, they have not been
using hormonal contraceptives...

OLD MAN: Rattling Jack.

WOMAN: Well, that'll be a good one.

WOMAN 1 : That's what I've been saying,
let's walk, today.

WOMAN 2: Did you? Oh, I'm so glad.
WOMAN 1 : Yes, I did.

MAN: Today, I feel very proud
to stand before you...

OLD MAN: It's a funny thing,
this puberty business,

when you think of it, isn't it?

MAN: Just keep taking
pound notes from people

and keep them smiling as you do it.

WOMAN: I used to come in my youth...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

CLERK: Crown Hotel. Good morning,
how may I help you?