All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S10E05

PHIL: Okay, honey, doorbell's installed.

- How's it sound?
- DOORBELL: Welcome to hell!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

That is so cute!

Can you come in here
and help me with this web?

Sorry, gotta fly.

I'm gonna do that one again
when there's more people around.

Okay. So, you got to
put that up on the hook

because the trick-or-treaters
are gonna be here any minute.

I'm caught.

Don't pull. It's just gonna get...

- Oh.
- ...worse.

- No, I can, uh...
- N... Stop moving.

I'm gonna get some scissors.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

[BEEP]

Hey, Jerry.

What's wrong?

When?

How?

Oh, thank God you're back.

There's a real spider in here,
and it's getting closer.

That was Jerry, my mom's husband.

- Is everything okay?
- No.

- My mom's dead.
- What?

Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com

I can't believe Nana's gone.

[SCOFFS]
If God really is an old white guy,

he's about to get an earful.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, my God, Claire.

[GASPS] Mitchell.

- Uh...
- Wait, can you...

- I think...
- I don't know how to...

- Help. Please help. Thank you.
- Oh!

[BOTH CRYING]

[SIGHS] All right.

Who are you supposed to be?

Ah, I'm Pr... I'm Prince Harry.

Oh, does that mean Cam is...

Hear ye, hear ye,

presenting
the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan...

No, no, no, no, no.
That was for Pepper's party.

We're not doing that anymore.
Go console your cousins.

- CLAIRE: Oh, hey.
- Oh, sweetie.

- Let me get in there.
- Oh, hang on. Oh...

- All right, get up.
- I had the same issue with this.

- Just...
- Okay, there it is.

- Ohh.
- Oh, sweetie.

- Who needs a drink?
- I do.

Okay, how are we gonna handle this?

You mean because the two most

emotionally complicated people on earth
are facing the loss

of the most complicated relationship
of their lives?

So...not an edible arrangement.

We just have to be there for them.

Whatever they need. I...

It just feels inappropriate

- being dressed like this.
- Yeah.

I should be in something darker
with a cap sleeve.

[SIGHS]

This is so surreal.
I-I can't believe this.

I-I just talked to her
right before she left.

She was so excited about
her trip to Greenland

- with her women's group.
- Mm.

Still no word on what happened?

No. Jerry called.

He said that she had a heart problem

she didn't want to talk about,

but we're still not sure if that's it.

He did promise to reach out
as soon as he has some answers.

Well, we're here to support you
in any way we can.

Yeah. Anything you need,
anything at all, we're on it.

- Soup?
- Tissues?

Try this meditation exercise.

Yeah, no, you guys
are being so sweet. I just...

Yeah, but w-we cope with things

a little less touchy-feely
and a little more...

- Irish. Yes.
- Right. Right.

You know, have some drinks,
tell some funny stories.

Mm. Do you remember the time
Mom was so mad

because "Laverne and Shirley"
moved to California?

[LAUGHTER]

Or, no, remember how she used to always

bring her own ice cubes to restaurants?

Oh, God, yes!

Remember when she got
thrown out of Scientology?

[PHIL AND CAM LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

Our mother is dead, Phil.

I-I thought we were...

Maybe you should just
give us a little space?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure.
- Of course. Yes. Sure.

You know, I don't know how
we all feel about the afterlife,

but I myself would like to imagine Dede

surrounded by loved ones, hearing...

Welcome to hell! [LAUGHS EVILLY]

- I'll disconnect that doorbell.
- CLAIRE: Oh, God.

Hey.

We were out trick-or-treating
with the kids.

- Dad.
- We left Joe with Manny,

and we came as soon as we heard.

- So sorry.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Come here, you two. Get in here.
- Oh, thanks, Dad.

Yeah. I know. You just have to... Yeah.

Look, I know that your mother
and I had our differences,

but she was a good woman.

Yeah.

She, uh...

Yeah, she had great legs.

Oh. Really? That's your tribute?

Of course not. She was very educated,

as she often told me.

She, um...uh...

She... [STAMMERS]

I can't watch this.

It's like watching a fish panic
at the bottom of a boat.

Uh, she... she gave you us,
your wonderful children.

There you go. And for that
I will always be grateful.

Yeah. We have so much
to be grateful for.

- Mm-hmm.
- She was a wonderful mother.

And I'm... I am so glad that
I was able to tell her that

during our last call.
And I didn't know it at the time,

but in a lot of ways,
it was the perfect goodbye.

Huh.

Do we know what happened?

Not yet, no. But you know what?

- I need to be around happy things...
- Yeah.

...cute kids in costumes
trick-or-treating.

I'm gonna go hand out
some Halloween candy.

- I'm good! Good, good!
- I'm... I'm coming with you.

- I'm good.
- We're good.

Nah.

Ah, you make plans,

the universe steps in and says "nope."

- Life is so unfair.
- Damn right.

I just waited in a line around the block

for a hoagie everybody's talking about.

Then my ex-wife drops dead,

and I'm too sad to eat it.

I'll give it another hour.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, Jay.

I don't know why I thought
getting this out would help.

What is that?

Nana had these little
statues of herself made.

They were her Christmas gift
to each of us.

Now I feel better about
my stupid well in Africa.

Hey. Hitting that candy pretty hard.

You didn't even take
the wrapper off the last one.

I'm sad. Shut up.

I heard that if you die on Halloween,

you come back as a zombie.

I can see that.

Nana would be all,

"Braaainnssss!
[SNIFFS]

Nope. Braaainnsss!"

Uch! [SIGHS]

I just remember Nana...

- when we were little, she would...
- [AIR HISSES]

- She would...
- [AIR HISSES]

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you two?!

- [MUFFLED] What?
- Our grandmother just died.

Luke's over here making tasteless jokes,

and you're stuffing your face.
Show some respect!

I am so sorry, what happened
to your grandmother.

She was a wonderful woman.

Thank you, Gloria.

Finally, someone with a normal reaction.

Didn't Nana try to strangle you
three times?

Yeah, but one of those times,

I was able to see again
my favorite abuela

for one second.

So I really should thank Dede.

Anyways, any issues that
your grandmother had with me,

they're behind her.

She's at peace.
She's living in a better place.

What the hell is that?!

Mm. Pretty lifelike, right?
Christmas gift from Nana.

Ah, it's very cute.

But it's amazing how her eyes are...

are following me wherever I go!

I know that this is
going to sound crazy,

but I have always worried
that when Dede died,

she was going to come back and haunt me.

Maybe it's because she whispered
it to me at my wedding.

[SINGSONG VOICE] Happy Halloween.

[SMOOCHES]

[SIGHS]

Cute. You okay?

Yeah, I was just thinking about

this great Halloween with Mom.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

I wasn't really fitting in
in high school,

so Mom took me to go get ice cream

at this place i-in West Hollywood.

And the parade was going on.

And before that,
I had never been to a gay event.

Trick or treat!

Here you go. Happy Halloween.

The thing is,

she didn't force me to talk about it.

She just let it be. You know?

And I-I think that
that was her way of saying

that she was okay with me. [SIGHS]

I remember once Mom told me

that I ate ice cream like a prostitute.

- Ugghh, come on.
- [GROANS]

Wh-Why haven't we heard anything yet

about what happened to her?
This is ridiculous!

I know. It's bad enough we lost our mom.

Now we just have to sit here
expecting the worst.

BOTH: Heyyy.

Uh, heard some raised voices,

- just making...
- Where have you guys been?

Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed,

but we're kind of going through
something today.

Well, you s-said you wanted some space,

- so we were giving you...
- So now you're gonna logic us to death?

Yeah, yeah, 'cause that's
what we need right now.

I am totally confused

- about what we're supposed to do.
- No. I have an idea.

Mitchell was just talking about
a great memory he had

of Dede taking him for ice cream
in West Hollywood.

We could go pick some up...
it would be a perfect tribute.

That's great.

Plus, I don't know why, but there's...

there's something about the way
Claire eats ice cream

that I just... enjoy.

I just wish I could remember
the name of it.

- I'm on it. Anderson Scooper?
- No.

Priscilla Queen of the Desserts?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Sherbert and Ernie?

Mnh-mnh. It was something very specific.

West Hollywood Ice Cream Shop?

- That's it. Let's go.
- This can't be happening.

- Ohh.
- Aw, Jay, it's a hard day.

Tell me.

I put a sandwich in there
with my name on it

10 minutes ago, and now it's missing.

- Who the hell took it?!
- Really? On a day like today,

you can get this worked up
over a sandwich?

Come here.

Yeah. Hey. It's okay.

- Ohh.
- [SNIFFING]

You're smelling us.

I smell guilt and pickles.

- [BANG ON DOOR]
- Aah!

Sorry, fireman habit.

Your mom said you were up here.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- You're the best boyfriend.

That's her, huh?

Yep.

People said she was difficult,

but she was an amazing woman

who didn't conform to anyone's idea

of who she should be.

There are a lot of photos of her
being escorted out of places.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Well, it must feel good to know that...

I mean not good.
Everything must feel bad.

I'm sorry. I'm bad
at this whole death thing.

And I see a lot of it at work.

I mean, nobody ever feeds
the station goldfish.

It's not just hard for you.

My brother can't stop cracking jokes,

my sister's eating
like a bear about to hibernate,

and meanwhile,
I'm just sitting here thinking,

"Wow, you're here one second,
and then poof...

you're not."

I know how sad you must be.

Take off your shirt.

- What?
- Fine.

- I'll run things.
- Wow.

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES] Okay, very funny!

Who did this?!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Santa María, Madre de Dios,
ruega por nosotros pecadores.

Santa María, Madre de Dios,
ruega por nosotros pecadores,

ahora y en la hora... [GASPS] Aah!

Santa María, Madre de Dios,
ruega por nosotros pecadores,

ahora y en la hora
de nuestra muerte. Amen.

Hey, I haven't seen Alex
since she yelled at us.

Is she okay up there?

Now that I think about it,

it did sound like
she was crying a minute ago.

We should check on her.
This is classic Alex.

She's criticizing how
we're processing Nana's death

because she doesn't know what
to do with her own feelings.

Meanwhile, she's taking it
harder than anybody.

- ALEX: Aah! Get out!
- BILL: Oh, that's not good.

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [BOTH GROANING LOUDLY]

Ohh!

Do you remember when, um,

she wouldn't pay for my voice lessons

because she said
she wanted to save the money

in case I ended up with Dad's nose?

You know, we... we could stick
to nice stories today.

Mom was a real person. She was flawed.

She made me wear pants to prom.

She said it would "slow down"

whatever mistake I was about to make.

Well, I guess I never
brought out that side of her.

Or maybe you just let her
get away with everything.

- I... [STAMMERS]
- Trick or treat!

Happy Halloween!

What are you...
What are you supposed to be?

- I was gonna go as a unicorn...
- Uh-huh.

...but then I decided to be pajama girl.

That was two weeks of sewing well spent.

Well, kids don't always appreciate

what moms do for them.

Moms can be controlling.

Well, sometimes moms don't want

their daughters to embarrass themselves.

Embarrass?

Like throwing a surprise
moon goddess party

for their daughter's first period?

It was a celebration of your womanhood!

Every year I say I'm not coming
back to this house.

Okay. Just today... Oh, God.

Just... Just today, could you not harp

on how awful Mom was to you?

She would have done anything for us!

Mitchell, just because Mom is dead
doesn't make her a saint!

- Hey.
- What?

You're scaring the kids.

Ugh. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

You're just a freak that
gets turned on by tragedies.

Oh, my God. Is that why
I'm dating a firefighter?

Oh, I hope I'm more to you
than that, babe.

By the way, there was
a plane crash in Tustin.

You know, there's a deep
psycho-spiritual connection

between sex and death.

Look at Freud. Thanatos, Eros...

locked in an eternal struggle.

How do you know any of those words?

I don't know. Maybe I remembered
something from school somehow.

They say everything you've ever heard

is locked in your brain somewhere.
Another fun fact...

your brain burns 20%
of the calories you consume.

- [BEEP]
- My burrito!

Another one?

Oh, my God.

I think your brain is finally working

because, for the first time ever,

you're not starving yourself.

That is a credible hypothesis.

Huh. Eating, are we?

You didn't happen
to grab an Italian hero

out of the fridge, did you?

Nope, but that sounds delicious.

I'd go to town
on an Italian hero right now.

That's funny,
'cause Alex just finished...

I will rip your tongue out.

- [HORN HONKING]
- Oh, my gosh.

What was I thinking
coming to West Hollywood

on Halloween night?

- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- Hey.

Give the horn a rest.
The parade's going by.

- You're gonna be sitting here a while.
- Sorry, Officer.

I don't get down
to this part of town that often.

That's... That's not a real cop, right?

Uh... mm, no.

You know, I'm impressed
you're still wearing that dress.

Oh, well, I'm wearing two pair of Spanx

and was on a diuretic for 48 hours.
As we say where I'm from,

you don't teach your dog
to play the banjo

and then skip the talent show.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, man.

This ice cream is gonna melt.

Well, grab a spoon.

- Somebody should enjoy it.
- Yeah.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[LID CLATTERS]

You know, we've been so focused
on Mitchell and Claire,

I haven't had a chance to really...

Yeah. I know.

First time I met her,
she threatened to murder me

- if I ever made her son unhappy.
- [LAUGHS]

Went into pretty graphic detail...

described how she'd get rid of
my body and everything.

- [LAUGHS]
- I was like, "Wow,

this woman will never trust me."

- That's so her.
- [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

Then one time, she overheard me talking

about drinking dandelion wine
with my... with my grandma.

She went over to the kitchen cabinet

and pulled out a bottle.

Apparently, she had an aunt
that taught her how to make it.

And we sat there at the kitchen table

drinking and swapping stories

- about growing up in the boondocks.
- Mm.

The wine made me go blind
for a bit, but...

- [CHUCKLES]
- ...I'll never forget her voice,

slurring in the darkness,

telling me she understood
why Mitchell loved me. [CHUCKLES]

I remember dropping Haley off at school

for the first time.

Her staring at me with those giant eyes,

her lips quivering,
crying for me to stay.

And I, uh... [BREATHES DEEPLY]

I told her everything
is gonna be all right,

and then I stagger back
to my car and I start crying.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, gosh.

And you know who was there
waiting for me?

Well, if it's not Dede,

it's kind of a touching
but pointless story.

It was Dede.

She knew it was gonna be
a hard day for me.

I can't believe she's gone.

I'm gonna miss her.

Me too.

- To Dede.
- To Dede.

[CHUCKLES]

[WATER STOPS]

[DOOR CREAKS]
[GASPS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[GASPS] Aah!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Okay, you want to talk? Let's talk.

I know that you never liked me.

And I was always nice.

Okay, fine, one time,

I did use your toothbrush on Stella.

But mostly I admired you for raising

such wonderful children
and for helping make Jay

the amazing man
that I fell in love with.

I guess I never thanked you
for all of that.

So, if you can hear me now,

thank you.

And can you please tell Rosa Garcia

to stop haunting me, too?

And Marta Blanco,

Marisol Gutierrez, and Cecila Matos?

Gracias.

[DOOR OPENS]

Look, I'm sorry.

I think I've been trying
to make Mom into the bad guy.

It's not gonna make it any easier.

That's not it. I...
I just feel so guilty.

Why?

Because sometimes,

I was as mean to Mom as she was to me.

Oh. She was just hard on you

because sh-she believed in you so much.

Why do you always have to defend her?

Because I loved her! I...

[CHUCKLES]

I can't believe I'm saying that
in the past tense.

I... I'm sorry that I had
a better relationship with her.

And I'm... I'm sorry that
it bothered you, okay?

You have a better relationship with Dad,

and I know he loves me just as much.

Mmm...

Yeah, and when Dad dies,

he's gonna leave knowing
how much I loved him.

I'm not sure Mom knew that.

Of course she did.

Really?

Because unlike you,
the last time I talked to her,

we got in a huge fight.

Mm-hmm.

You get to remember telling her
you loved her and laughing,

and I get to remember
getting in some stupid argument

about a Facebook post.

The one where she said
putting eucalyptus oils

on the soles of your feet
is a natural birth control?

Yes. Yes.

That's the one. And you have

a 12-year-old daughter
who reads those posts...

you might want to tell her
that's not science.

Okay, okay, remember
that last amazing conversation

- I had with Mom?
- Oh, for God's sakes.

I'm sorry, but there's no other
way to describe it, okay?

She told me about your fight, and she...

she told me how upset she was.

She... She said she was gonna
call you to apologize.

Oh, my God.

She left me a voicemail
a couple days ago,

but I was saving it till the next time

I had to yell at somebody at work.

[SNIFFLES] Okay.

[BEEP]

DEDE: Hey, honey. It's Mom.

I just want to apologize.

I should not have lost my temper.

Shaman Phoenix Feather's
family-planning advice

may not be for everyone,

and you just want to
keep your daughters safe.

I get it.

- [SIGHS]
- I have a daughter of my own,

and I know how much she means to me.

Anyway, I'm sorry.
I love you, and I always will.

[VOICE BREAKING] I love you, too, Mom.

[SNIFFLES]

Also, I saw your new photo
on social media.

Are you part of some protest

where you're not allowed
to wash your hair?

Or are you just trying to be...

- [BEEP]
- I'm gonna listen to that later.

- [CELLPHONE THUDS]
- Huh.

- Weird hearing her voice.
- Oh, Daddy. [SNIFFLES]

You already know this,
but I want to say it again.

- We both love you so much.
- [SMOOCHES]

Yeah. And I know we've...
we've had our ups and downs,

but I've loved being your son.

- Hmm.
- Are you...

buttering me up
'cause you ate my sandwich?

- Oh!
- What is wrong with you?

Seriously. What is this
obsession with a sandwich?

I waited in line!

- [SCOFFS]
- I was thinking about it for months!

You know who would get this?

Dede. That woman
appreciated a good sandwich.

And she made the best ones, you know,

when we were first married.

In that little house in the valley.

And we didn't have any money,

but she would go miles out of her way

to get the bread with the crunchy crust

from that French bakery.

It was hard on the outside,
soft and warm on the inside,

and she'd say,
"That's just like you, Jay."

[CHUCKLES]

She was nice to me back then.

[CHUCKLES] CLAIRE: Yeah.

[SIGHS] It's funny,

I happened to drive past there
a while ago.

That bakery's not there anymore.

And damn if I wasn't
depressed for a week.

You know, I didn't realize...

[VOICE BREAKING]
...how much it meant to me

till it was gone, you know?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. [SNIFFLES]
- Yeah. [SNIFFLES]

Look at that beautiful family moment.

Yeah, look right at it.

I asked myself,
"What would Nana want today?"

She'd want me to mess with Gloria.

Also, I ate Grandpa's sandwich.

Oh, God. Jerry forwarded me an e-mail

from Mom's women's group.

I-I-I can't even read it.

- You do it. I...
- Oh, okay.

Um..."Our sincere condolences
on the loss of your loved one, Dede."

- What happened to Mom?
- Oh, let's see.

"On the third night,
Dede wandered away from the group

and encountered a pack
of starving timberwolves."

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God, Mom.

"As you know, Dede long believed

she could comunicate with animals,

so using a mix of howls and barks
she convinced them

to seek food elsewhere."
Huh, guess that wasn't that. Let's see.

"Later she ignored that thin ice sign
and plunged..."

Hang on, saved by one of the wolves.

Uh... [MUMBLES] "She deeply

offended a tribe of inuits by
interrupting a secret dagger...

She briefly swallowed..."
Uh... Here it is!

"On the trip's final morning,
Dede was found in her room.

She had apparently passed
peacefully in her sleep

as a smile graced her face

and her hands clutched 10 pages
of sugestions for the hotel staff."

- That is so Mom.
- Easy.

Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com